Handling a traumatic revelation about my childhood
December 24, 2022 2:13 AM Subscribe
Trigger warning for childhood SA and past incest. Details inside. Please skip this if it's triggering. Apologies for the heavy question during the holidays.
I have a good trauma therapist and will be bringing this up to them next week. I have a decent support system.
My brother and I are both adults. My brother is two years older than me. I never ever suspected child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) from him (though I experienced other forms of emotional abuse from other people, like parents and teachers, but never him. Or so I believed). We have (had?) a great, healthy relationship, and have always had appropriate boundaries. Or so I believed.
(TW: somewhat graphic details about the abuse. Please skip if this is triggering)
Last week he confessed, and sincerely apologized, for dry-humping/grinding on me for his own sexual gratification while I was asleep (during vacations, sleepovers; same-bed situations basically) between the ages of about 11-14. It happened numerous times. Always over clothes; no penetration. He never acted inappropriately towards me otherwise, and I always felt very safe with him so that is why this is a total shock. He decided to tell me because he was worried about how deeply it might've affected me and wanted to offer a genuine apology & monetary support for therapy.
I have no memory of this happening—probably since I was asleep and am a heavy sleeper and I maybe/probably dissociated this, too. He said he had fallen into online incel circles around that age & the lack of sex-ed didn't help, so he didn't really see me as a person in those moments, just as a sexual object in reach, even though he loved me and cared about my well-being otherwise (though he fully recognizes that abuse is not love and that he was dehumanizing and objectifying me, and is incredibly sorry for what he did. He does not think like that anymore, and is constantly vigilant and unlearning those thought patterns.)
Our parents were abusive. Neglectful and emotionally/psychologically abusive. Sex and bodies were completely taboo and unmentionable. We never got sex-ed; never got taught about boundaries or consent in general. We were left to fend for ourselves. Our household was pretty broken, and so was school. No one taught us anything. No one helped us. So the context in which this happened was pretty messed up already, and explains the lack of supervision or support from my parents.
He's in therapy, working on deconstructing all the trauma and misogyny that lead him to abuse me and he feels incredibly, genuinely remoresful. He's going to pay for my therapy. He's willing to leave my life if I want him to. To tell our parents if I want to (I don't; not at this point in my life, they would just hurt us.) He is now incredibly cautious with consent in every area of his life, and I've noticed that for years, even before this revelation. He has changed & is safe to be around, and I'm not just saying that as a trauma response. I mean it. We also live in different countries and usually only see each other in person once or twice a year.
So... I love & feel safe with the person my brother is now, today, as an adult. I cannot remember the abuse, though I do believe him that it happened. I'm grief-stricken and horrified over losing what I thought was the one good, safe part of my childhood. I don't want to cut him off—though I know I can change my mind about that at any time & he's never pressured me into staying in touch—and I feel like a bad victim for still caring about him, his wellbeing, our familial relationship & for wanting good ties with him. It's a mess and I'm just really, really sad and shocked.
Any resources that deal with incestuous, murky COCSA would be helpful (I am EU-based; just in case there's hotline suggestions). Ideas, techniques or kind words to deal with the emotional fallout of this would be good if you have the emotional bandwith, no worries if not. Reassurance (or a reality-check) that I'm not terrible or broken for still wanting him in my life long-term would be useful, too, though again I know I have the right to change my mind at any point. This is all so rough. Apologies for the heavy question during the holiday season, and it's totally okay if this is above Mefi's paygrade or comfort level. Thank you very much.
A throwaway email you can contact instead, since I know this is a sensitive topic: anon3156@outlook.com
I have a good trauma therapist and will be bringing this up to them next week. I have a decent support system.
My brother and I are both adults. My brother is two years older than me. I never ever suspected child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) from him (though I experienced other forms of emotional abuse from other people, like parents and teachers, but never him. Or so I believed). We have (had?) a great, healthy relationship, and have always had appropriate boundaries. Or so I believed.
(TW: somewhat graphic details about the abuse. Please skip if this is triggering)
Last week he confessed, and sincerely apologized, for dry-humping/grinding on me for his own sexual gratification while I was asleep (during vacations, sleepovers; same-bed situations basically) between the ages of about 11-14. It happened numerous times. Always over clothes; no penetration. He never acted inappropriately towards me otherwise, and I always felt very safe with him so that is why this is a total shock. He decided to tell me because he was worried about how deeply it might've affected me and wanted to offer a genuine apology & monetary support for therapy.
I have no memory of this happening—probably since I was asleep and am a heavy sleeper and I maybe/probably dissociated this, too. He said he had fallen into online incel circles around that age & the lack of sex-ed didn't help, so he didn't really see me as a person in those moments, just as a sexual object in reach, even though he loved me and cared about my well-being otherwise (though he fully recognizes that abuse is not love and that he was dehumanizing and objectifying me, and is incredibly sorry for what he did. He does not think like that anymore, and is constantly vigilant and unlearning those thought patterns.)
Our parents were abusive. Neglectful and emotionally/psychologically abusive. Sex and bodies were completely taboo and unmentionable. We never got sex-ed; never got taught about boundaries or consent in general. We were left to fend for ourselves. Our household was pretty broken, and so was school. No one taught us anything. No one helped us. So the context in which this happened was pretty messed up already, and explains the lack of supervision or support from my parents.
He's in therapy, working on deconstructing all the trauma and misogyny that lead him to abuse me and he feels incredibly, genuinely remoresful. He's going to pay for my therapy. He's willing to leave my life if I want him to. To tell our parents if I want to (I don't; not at this point in my life, they would just hurt us.) He is now incredibly cautious with consent in every area of his life, and I've noticed that for years, even before this revelation. He has changed & is safe to be around, and I'm not just saying that as a trauma response. I mean it. We also live in different countries and usually only see each other in person once or twice a year.
So... I love & feel safe with the person my brother is now, today, as an adult. I cannot remember the abuse, though I do believe him that it happened. I'm grief-stricken and horrified over losing what I thought was the one good, safe part of my childhood. I don't want to cut him off—though I know I can change my mind about that at any time & he's never pressured me into staying in touch—and I feel like a bad victim for still caring about him, his wellbeing, our familial relationship & for wanting good ties with him. It's a mess and I'm just really, really sad and shocked.
Any resources that deal with incestuous, murky COCSA would be helpful (I am EU-based; just in case there's hotline suggestions). Ideas, techniques or kind words to deal with the emotional fallout of this would be good if you have the emotional bandwith, no worries if not. Reassurance (or a reality-check) that I'm not terrible or broken for still wanting him in my life long-term would be useful, too, though again I know I have the right to change my mind at any point. This is all so rough. Apologies for the heavy question during the holiday season, and it's totally okay if this is above Mefi's paygrade or comfort level. Thank you very much.
A throwaway email you can contact instead, since I know this is a sensitive topic: anon3156@outlook.com
Hey OP, I am sorry that I have no experience or resources that would be helpful. From this perspective of limited knowledge I can at least try to validate your feelings.
You are feeling difficult, complex, conflicted things. This is to be expected. You deserve the time and the space to sort through these without feeling pressure to come to any particular conclusion.
From your description of the situation, it makes complete sense that you would still feel compassion towards your brother and have a desire to keep him in your life. (Without necessarily saying you should or shouldn’t do that; only that it is understandable that you would have that desire, amidst many other feelings). I hope you can let go of any fears of being judged for this; you don’t deserve it, and you have enough on your plate right now.
I also hope you can let go of the fear that you are a “bad victim”. This is your life and your situation. How you feel about it and how you heal from it are your business. Please do not worry about what people outside of your situation might think.
Sending my deepest compassion. You seem like a thoughtful and mature person who has already done tremendous work to move past the difficulties of your upbringing. I’m sorry that you now have to wrestle with this. I hope you receive many other messages of support, and that they are helpful.
posted by Probabilitics at 3:55 AM on December 24, 2022 [3 favorites]
You are feeling difficult, complex, conflicted things. This is to be expected. You deserve the time and the space to sort through these without feeling pressure to come to any particular conclusion.
From your description of the situation, it makes complete sense that you would still feel compassion towards your brother and have a desire to keep him in your life. (Without necessarily saying you should or shouldn’t do that; only that it is understandable that you would have that desire, amidst many other feelings). I hope you can let go of any fears of being judged for this; you don’t deserve it, and you have enough on your plate right now.
I also hope you can let go of the fear that you are a “bad victim”. This is your life and your situation. How you feel about it and how you heal from it are your business. Please do not worry about what people outside of your situation might think.
Sending my deepest compassion. You seem like a thoughtful and mature person who has already done tremendous work to move past the difficulties of your upbringing. I’m sorry that you now have to wrestle with this. I hope you receive many other messages of support, and that they are helpful.
posted by Probabilitics at 3:55 AM on December 24, 2022 [3 favorites]
I think a good first step is bringing this up with your trauma therapist (maybe even sending them what you’ve written here), and let them help you figure out how you feel about it. (As opposed to how you think you should feel about it.)
posted by ocherdraco at 5:53 AM on December 24, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by ocherdraco at 5:53 AM on December 24, 2022 [2 favorites]
There is no such thing as a bad victim ❤️
And you do not have to change your relationship with yourself or your brother because of this new information. This is permission to set down the parts of this that you *want* to set down. You don’t have to carry any of this. There are things in my past that other people have strong feelings and opinions about that made me have a lot of identity confusion and unsureness about if I was being “bad” for not having strong feelings about it beyond some feelings of confusion and need to process. I wasn’t being bad to not feel like I needed to incorporate that stuff into my self identity! And I wish someone had told me that was an option. I still would have needed to do some processing, but I wouldn’t have been putting pressure on myself by feeling like I was a bad person for not being more upset about it. However YOU want to carry this is 100% fine. And if what feels true to yourself is “this didn’t impact me, but I have deep compassion for my brother who *was* really broken by this” that is absolutely fine.
posted by Bottlecap at 5:58 AM on December 24, 2022 [9 favorites]
And you do not have to change your relationship with yourself or your brother because of this new information. This is permission to set down the parts of this that you *want* to set down. You don’t have to carry any of this. There are things in my past that other people have strong feelings and opinions about that made me have a lot of identity confusion and unsureness about if I was being “bad” for not having strong feelings about it beyond some feelings of confusion and need to process. I wasn’t being bad to not feel like I needed to incorporate that stuff into my self identity! And I wish someone had told me that was an option. I still would have needed to do some processing, but I wouldn’t have been putting pressure on myself by feeling like I was a bad person for not being more upset about it. However YOU want to carry this is 100% fine. And if what feels true to yourself is “this didn’t impact me, but I have deep compassion for my brother who *was* really broken by this” that is absolutely fine.
posted by Bottlecap at 5:58 AM on December 24, 2022 [9 favorites]
Very briefly: Give yourself time and space, especially time and space away from your brother. You're going to need more of both than you think you do.
And I would suggest that you not let your brother pay for your therapy. Reading that part of your post pinged a little warning bell somewhere in my brain.
posted by cubeb at 6:07 AM on December 24, 2022 [2 favorites]
And I would suggest that you not let your brother pay for your therapy. Reading that part of your post pinged a little warning bell somewhere in my brain.
posted by cubeb at 6:07 AM on December 24, 2022 [2 favorites]
It may help you to know that while this isn’t good behaviour it’s actually kind of normal for kids and siblings to do this kind of stuff - often awake and consensually but also while one or both are asleep or partway there. Kids often don’t really understand fully what they’re doing, especially when they grow up with big body and sex discussion taboos and it can be horrifying as an adult to be like “oh Jesus I/we did WHAT?”
It *can* be traumatic but it isn’t always. I’m sorry this happened to you and I’m glad you have a support system and that your brother is giving you space to react and figure things out.
posted by congen at 7:15 AM on December 24, 2022 [8 favorites]
It *can* be traumatic but it isn’t always. I’m sorry this happened to you and I’m glad you have a support system and that your brother is giving you space to react and figure things out.
posted by congen at 7:15 AM on December 24, 2022 [8 favorites]
It really seems like both your heart and your mind are engaged right now, and the conflict between the two makes sense to me. As everyone above says, whatever you're feeling is okay, but you're definitely not a bad victim. In this case, you're being a very good sister. You're being compassionate and thoughtful and you don't seem at all eager to act vengefully or rashly.
As you mention, you may feel all kinds of different ways about your brother as time goes by, and maybe the next few days aren't when any lasting decisions will be made, but now or later you are allowed to let this go. If you decide that your brother, as the person he is now, is a loving and valuable part of your life, you are not obligated to feel traumatized or victimized by his childhood actions. Victims are absolutely allowed to forgive and forgiveness is not a sacrifice of power or control, it's a choice about how to use our control.
It sounds like you and your brother have come out of a crappy childhood with a special and genuine relationship. Valuing that, especially if you lack that closeness with other family members, is not irrational or a sign of weakness.
You shouldn't forgive your brother because some internet strangers told you to, but I think you're awesome for thinking about this in the way that you are. You're being very compassionate and it sounds like your brother is working to deserve that compassion.
Best of luck, and happy holidays.
posted by chudmonkey at 7:34 AM on December 24, 2022 [3 favorites]
As you mention, you may feel all kinds of different ways about your brother as time goes by, and maybe the next few days aren't when any lasting decisions will be made, but now or later you are allowed to let this go. If you decide that your brother, as the person he is now, is a loving and valuable part of your life, you are not obligated to feel traumatized or victimized by his childhood actions. Victims are absolutely allowed to forgive and forgiveness is not a sacrifice of power or control, it's a choice about how to use our control.
It sounds like you and your brother have come out of a crappy childhood with a special and genuine relationship. Valuing that, especially if you lack that closeness with other family members, is not irrational or a sign of weakness.
You shouldn't forgive your brother because some internet strangers told you to, but I think you're awesome for thinking about this in the way that you are. You're being very compassionate and it sounds like your brother is working to deserve that compassion.
Best of luck, and happy holidays.
posted by chudmonkey at 7:34 AM on December 24, 2022 [3 favorites]
Don’t decide anything right now. From experience: you may surprise yourself and wake up in a month in a screaming rage or deep sadness; or you may always feel as you do now. Go slow and put yourself first—not him, not anyone here, not your family, not your, or anyone else’s, ideas about what you “should” be feeling.
Take time and space. A lot of both.
The best resource is a good therapist, and don’t be afraid to shop around if you feel at all judged.
posted by kapers at 1:01 PM on December 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
Take time and space. A lot of both.
The best resource is a good therapist, and don’t be afraid to shop around if you feel at all judged.
posted by kapers at 1:01 PM on December 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
PS you’re still a good sister, compassionate person, awesome, etc etc even if in the course of processing this you find yourself feeling less magnanimous than you do now. You JUST found out.
This post is mostly about him but I encourage you to center yourself. I also agree that you shouldn’t let him pay for your therapy unless that’s the only way you can afford it.
posted by kapers at 1:09 PM on December 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
This post is mostly about him but I encourage you to center yourself. I also agree that you shouldn’t let him pay for your therapy unless that’s the only way you can afford it.
posted by kapers at 1:09 PM on December 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
You don’t have to do anything about this at all. This doesn’t have to become an issue. It’s perfectly okay to say “I appreciate your honesty, but you were a kid and we were both dealing with a dysfunctional family. I’m glad you’ve grown past that and there’s no reason we can’t continue as before.”
I feel like a bad victim for still caring about him, his wellbeing, our familial relationship & for wanting good ties with him. Please feel free to ignore any thoughts that tell you you are doing victimhood wrong if you love and value someone who acted inappropriately toward when you were both children. If there’s any such thing as a bad victim, it’s someone who sabotages their present happiness because of past traumas. (Or, in this case, non-traumas because you weren’t even aware.)
None of the things that usually make COCSA particularly traumatic are present in the case: no force, no coercion, no bodily penetration or touching beneath clothing. Yes, it is a form of sexual assault, absolutely. But on the continuum of COCSA scenarios, this is very far toward the minor end of the spectrum. I am saying all this not to invalidate your feelings, but to support them. It seems like you want to know that it’s okay for you to keep caring about and maintaining a relationship with your brother, and yes, it absolutely is. Only you can say how big a problem his actions were, and if your impulse is “not really that big, considering that you were a child, you’re already in therapy and have good boundaries now,” please do that.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 3:41 AM on December 24, 2022 [35 favorites]