Help with strategies for helping my son with anger and stress.
December 22, 2022 3:23 AM Subscribe
Though he is doing fine in school and socially, I think that this is holding him back a bit.
My son is 9 and doing fine in school and socially, but I can't help feeling that there are some issues here. I am not looking to medicate him. But there are definitely some patterns that are worrying me, especially because they will make things difficult down the line. He tends to get very stressed and sometimes angry about certain things, and it sometimes has practical consequences. Here are some examples.
1) He had to write something and paste some photos in a book for his class (each kid does this one weekend). The last kid had just written text on one side, but not put any photos on the other side. I suggested leaving room for that, or not pasting in his text until the other kids mom responded to my question about whether she planned to paste in photos. He got very stressed about this, and insisted on pasting in his text the night before, and that they weren't supposed to leave blank pages, so there was no chance for the other kid. In general, he gets very stressed about the possibility of doing something wrong at school, gets very upset with a bad grade, etc.
2) Sometimes when I ask him to do something (one of a few normal, most-day things) he says no, after a lot of back and forth, I end up saying, ok but remember, no treat/video/tv unless you do this. And he is so angry at this point that he says, fine, no treat/video/tv. The same pattern occurs often, even when it is so clearly against his interests. Like, he'll say he doesn't want something (us putting him to bed, listening to a story on the phone before bad) that he obviously does want, and then when he calms down (and it's too late) he will say that he does in fact want that.
3) In general, with schoolwork (and he doesn't have much to do at home, not every day), he tends to rush through things and get upset at being corrected, or at having to fix things. I try to get him to go more slowly, read the instructions, etc., but sometimes these interventions seem to stress him out more.
4) He gets very upset when he feels that he has been treated unfairly, or when a friend isn't nice. I can understand that, of course. But it's not a good thing to be so upset that you can't talk to people about it.
He is in general very active and energetic, and when he is in a good mood (which is often, he is not like this every day) very social and playful and talkative, though a bit shy with new kids. Concentration is ok for a boy this age, and when it's something he's interested in, he is capable of learning all about a new topic and memorizing all sorts of information. He reads on his own about half an hour each day. Anyway, I just feel like there's this added emotional edge that makes things more difficult and stressful for him.
I know this is probably not specific enough, but I'm not really sure what is relevant to add.
My son is 9 and doing fine in school and socially, but I can't help feeling that there are some issues here. I am not looking to medicate him. But there are definitely some patterns that are worrying me, especially because they will make things difficult down the line. He tends to get very stressed and sometimes angry about certain things, and it sometimes has practical consequences. Here are some examples.
1) He had to write something and paste some photos in a book for his class (each kid does this one weekend). The last kid had just written text on one side, but not put any photos on the other side. I suggested leaving room for that, or not pasting in his text until the other kids mom responded to my question about whether she planned to paste in photos. He got very stressed about this, and insisted on pasting in his text the night before, and that they weren't supposed to leave blank pages, so there was no chance for the other kid. In general, he gets very stressed about the possibility of doing something wrong at school, gets very upset with a bad grade, etc.
2) Sometimes when I ask him to do something (one of a few normal, most-day things) he says no, after a lot of back and forth, I end up saying, ok but remember, no treat/video/tv unless you do this. And he is so angry at this point that he says, fine, no treat/video/tv. The same pattern occurs often, even when it is so clearly against his interests. Like, he'll say he doesn't want something (us putting him to bed, listening to a story on the phone before bad) that he obviously does want, and then when he calms down (and it's too late) he will say that he does in fact want that.
3) In general, with schoolwork (and he doesn't have much to do at home, not every day), he tends to rush through things and get upset at being corrected, or at having to fix things. I try to get him to go more slowly, read the instructions, etc., but sometimes these interventions seem to stress him out more.
4) He gets very upset when he feels that he has been treated unfairly, or when a friend isn't nice. I can understand that, of course. But it's not a good thing to be so upset that you can't talk to people about it.
He is in general very active and energetic, and when he is in a good mood (which is often, he is not like this every day) very social and playful and talkative, though a bit shy with new kids. Concentration is ok for a boy this age, and when it's something he's interested in, he is capable of learning all about a new topic and memorizing all sorts of information. He reads on his own about half an hour each day. Anyway, I just feel like there's this added emotional edge that makes things more difficult and stressful for him.
I know this is probably not specific enough, but I'm not really sure what is relevant to add.
Has he been screened for autism/ADHD? I would recommend it based on what you've written. It's worth reading up on ADHD if you haven't - it presents very differently to how many people expect it to. The stereotype of children running in circles and scribbling over walls is not always accurate.
Emotional dysregulation and anxiety, perfectionism, talkative, strong sense of justice, ability to hyperfocus on subjects of interest, struggles with prioritization/rushing tasks - the things you describe are all facets of ADHD. Many children with ADHD (myself included back in the day) are voracious readers.
posted by mani at 5:29 AM on December 22, 2022 [12 favorites]
Emotional dysregulation and anxiety, perfectionism, talkative, strong sense of justice, ability to hyperfocus on subjects of interest, struggles with prioritization/rushing tasks - the things you describe are all facets of ADHD. Many children with ADHD (myself included back in the day) are voracious readers.
posted by mani at 5:29 AM on December 22, 2022 [12 favorites]
Any of these behaviors to excess, sure, any of those diagnoses could apply but also I will say this also just sounds a lot like being 9. Give it patience and time.
posted by Wretch729 at 5:40 AM on December 22, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by Wretch729 at 5:40 AM on December 22, 2022 [3 favorites]
We are working a lot of stuff out in our own family right now and I am NOT an expert but my boys are 6 and 7 and I am doing a lot of therapy right now due to issues and my kids are also in therapy and are higher need…some things to think about (1) you want to model (in my case learn) how to occupy space and not invade the space of others (2) our society is not comfortable with anger, but anger is normal and (my boys anyway) have an up and down of energy and anger that comes and goes and the goal is to let it out, maybe not even reduce it. I’m not sure about your presumption that being so upset about a conflict that he can’t talk about it is a “bad” thing… he might need time, a different way to get the feelings out, he might need to talk to someone else, draw a picture etc. But you can model how to think about feelings and express feelings… (3) your child is a 100 percent person already and it’s good to start talking to them and negotiating boundaries (ie is he always asking for and wanting your help at that time he is getting frustrated?) I got the impression from your question that he might be feeling meddled with when you are trying to help guide him. Maybe on some of this stuff start seeing yourself as a co-traveller.
posted by catspajammies at 5:44 AM on December 22, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by catspajammies at 5:44 AM on December 22, 2022 [3 favorites]
Not to minimize your concerns, but there are issues everywhere.
Veteran teacher here, and what you're describing is completely normal behavior for a post-pandemic child.
The most basic way to frame this is that kids are now very, very different than kids before the pandemic, and the school system is nowhere near figuring out where they are and what they need. To some extent, all kids are living with some level of trauma, and what you're seeing is exactly what we see in schools.
Kids are all in different places developmentally, there's an extraordinarily high level of anxiety, and the very best advice I am giving all parents is to relax and just love your child. Recognize that they are in a system that is not built to support their needs right now (and this is true of ALL schools; we all just returned to "normal" without ever considering how deeply affected kids were by leaving school) and that they are struggling.
Try to think of your child as any kid with a reasonable level of anxiety. Try to reduce their anxiety, get them to play, get them to have friends. The other pieces will follow.
You could consider testing but as a person who does this testing for a living I can guarantee you that literally every.single.child I've tested post-pandemic now has a qualifying disability, and that's simply because the scoring rubrics are based on pre-pandemic numbers, and because the pandemic really did a number on kids they pretty much all qualify now.
Your kid sounds like they lived through a really traumatic event, and it is going to take some time for them to feel less anxious.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 5:45 AM on December 22, 2022 [19 favorites]
Veteran teacher here, and what you're describing is completely normal behavior for a post-pandemic child.
The most basic way to frame this is that kids are now very, very different than kids before the pandemic, and the school system is nowhere near figuring out where they are and what they need. To some extent, all kids are living with some level of trauma, and what you're seeing is exactly what we see in schools.
Kids are all in different places developmentally, there's an extraordinarily high level of anxiety, and the very best advice I am giving all parents is to relax and just love your child. Recognize that they are in a system that is not built to support their needs right now (and this is true of ALL schools; we all just returned to "normal" without ever considering how deeply affected kids were by leaving school) and that they are struggling.
Try to think of your child as any kid with a reasonable level of anxiety. Try to reduce their anxiety, get them to play, get them to have friends. The other pieces will follow.
You could consider testing but as a person who does this testing for a living I can guarantee you that literally every.single.child I've tested post-pandemic now has a qualifying disability, and that's simply because the scoring rubrics are based on pre-pandemic numbers, and because the pandemic really did a number on kids they pretty much all qualify now.
Your kid sounds like they lived through a really traumatic event, and it is going to take some time for them to feel less anxious.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 5:45 AM on December 22, 2022 [19 favorites]
He sounds like my friend's son who was recently diagnosed with ADHD *and* autism.
Both ADHD and autism make it hard to regulate emotions.
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 6:22 AM on December 22, 2022 [1 favorite]
Both ADHD and autism make it hard to regulate emotions.
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 6:22 AM on December 22, 2022 [1 favorite]
As parents we naturally want our kids to get the smoothest ride through life that they can. But life is just bumpy, and people (especially young ones) are messy as fuck, and it's often easy to forget that just because we can see so clearly what needs to be done to miss and/or minimize bruising from the next big rock in the ski run, there is almost never any feasible way for the kid we're trying to raise to make use of that knowledge until it's far too late.
Furthermore, right after kiddo has hit one of life's rocks and gone over sideways is pretty much the worst possible time to offer sage advice on how not to hit rocks. Just like for any other human being, it takes time to process post-bump distress and while they're doing that work they just don't have the spoons to deal with my opinions on the matter as well.
Sometimes it's not about the nail. Further, sometimes the single biggest thing is wishing that the intolerably self-confident and obliviously hypocritical adult presence would just fuck off for a while so that the post-bump shame and its associated clanging and klaxons inside kiddo's mind get time to settle down.
Parenting is intense work and perfect parenting is simply not attainable. Our kids are not in fact ours; they're theirs. Their priorities are not our priorities, and nor should they be. The world around them is changing faster than it ever has in all of human history, they're adapting to that rate of change as best they can, and it seems to me that the single most valuable thing we can do for them in 2022 is try super hard not to be one of those huge and abrasive lumps that they keep coming to grief on.
Kids need to have the freedom to fuck things up, because as people that is really the only way any of us ever learns how not to. As parents, as autonomous adults, we're so used to having that freedom that we chronically forget that we actually do. We also chronically underestimate the extent to which kids can see exactly how much of that freedom we have, and how much of it we reflexively and habitually deny them, and we chronically underestimate just what a purely enraging experience that kind of confinement is for a human being.
Sometimes when I ask him to do something (one of a few normal, most-day things) he says no, after a lot of back and forth, I end up saying, ok but remember, no treat/video/tv unless you do this. And he is so angry at this point that he says, fine, no treat/video/tv. The same pattern occurs often, even when it is so clearly against his interests.
Of all the things I've fucked up as a parent, I think the hardest one to learn how not to has been the one where I completely fail to engage my own emotional regulation skills until the current conversation with kiddo has already degenerated into a counterproductive contest of wills. I've come to see the existence of every such contest as failure on my part. The adult in the room is always me, and it's on me to act like it.
Gatekeeping access to resources in order to foster compliance is exhausting and debilitating for everybody involved. Punishment and deprivation-based training works every bit as poorly with kids as it does with puppies.
Parenting is the ultimate long game. I want to be a solid resource for my kids, not a barrier, so that when they've fucked up and don't know what to do it's me they come to first instead of compounding their troubles with terrible non-solutions from equally clueless peers. I don't want them learning to look over their shoulder their whole lives in case somebody is about to catch them out. I want them to be able to recognize their own fuckups (without me pointing them out!) and learn from them, and to accept other people's fuckups as the free gifts that they truly can be.
So these days, I'm better at sorting out my own anger and stress when shit's not getting done, better at judging kiddo's current state of mind and therefore spotting opportunities for productive discussion, better at recognizing the differences between ephemeral and longstanding difficulties, better at approaching longstanding difficulties from a position of collaborative problem solving, better at working out just how few red lines actually need to exist and where I need to put them, and better at modelling effectiveness in ways that kids will notice and copy. And I've found that not only does that essential mindset create way less work for all concerned, it works way better too.
If it turns out that I've taught the kids in my orbit only one thing, I would like it to be this: that the right thing is the right thing not because it gains praise or avoids blame, but because it works better.
Sorry that got a bit rambly. I hope there's something in it that you can apply during your nine year old's present struggles.
posted by flabdablet at 6:40 AM on December 22, 2022 [14 favorites]
Furthermore, right after kiddo has hit one of life's rocks and gone over sideways is pretty much the worst possible time to offer sage advice on how not to hit rocks. Just like for any other human being, it takes time to process post-bump distress and while they're doing that work they just don't have the spoons to deal with my opinions on the matter as well.
Sometimes it's not about the nail. Further, sometimes the single biggest thing is wishing that the intolerably self-confident and obliviously hypocritical adult presence would just fuck off for a while so that the post-bump shame and its associated clanging and klaxons inside kiddo's mind get time to settle down.
Parenting is intense work and perfect parenting is simply not attainable. Our kids are not in fact ours; they're theirs. Their priorities are not our priorities, and nor should they be. The world around them is changing faster than it ever has in all of human history, they're adapting to that rate of change as best they can, and it seems to me that the single most valuable thing we can do for them in 2022 is try super hard not to be one of those huge and abrasive lumps that they keep coming to grief on.
Kids need to have the freedom to fuck things up, because as people that is really the only way any of us ever learns how not to. As parents, as autonomous adults, we're so used to having that freedom that we chronically forget that we actually do. We also chronically underestimate the extent to which kids can see exactly how much of that freedom we have, and how much of it we reflexively and habitually deny them, and we chronically underestimate just what a purely enraging experience that kind of confinement is for a human being.
Sometimes when I ask him to do something (one of a few normal, most-day things) he says no, after a lot of back and forth, I end up saying, ok but remember, no treat/video/tv unless you do this. And he is so angry at this point that he says, fine, no treat/video/tv. The same pattern occurs often, even when it is so clearly against his interests.
Of all the things I've fucked up as a parent, I think the hardest one to learn how not to has been the one where I completely fail to engage my own emotional regulation skills until the current conversation with kiddo has already degenerated into a counterproductive contest of wills. I've come to see the existence of every such contest as failure on my part. The adult in the room is always me, and it's on me to act like it.
Gatekeeping access to resources in order to foster compliance is exhausting and debilitating for everybody involved. Punishment and deprivation-based training works every bit as poorly with kids as it does with puppies.
Parenting is the ultimate long game. I want to be a solid resource for my kids, not a barrier, so that when they've fucked up and don't know what to do it's me they come to first instead of compounding their troubles with terrible non-solutions from equally clueless peers. I don't want them learning to look over their shoulder their whole lives in case somebody is about to catch them out. I want them to be able to recognize their own fuckups (without me pointing them out!) and learn from them, and to accept other people's fuckups as the free gifts that they truly can be.
So these days, I'm better at sorting out my own anger and stress when shit's not getting done, better at judging kiddo's current state of mind and therefore spotting opportunities for productive discussion, better at recognizing the differences between ephemeral and longstanding difficulties, better at approaching longstanding difficulties from a position of collaborative problem solving, better at working out just how few red lines actually need to exist and where I need to put them, and better at modelling effectiveness in ways that kids will notice and copy. And I've found that not only does that essential mindset create way less work for all concerned, it works way better too.
If it turns out that I've taught the kids in my orbit only one thing, I would like it to be this: that the right thing is the right thing not because it gains praise or avoids blame, but because it works better.
Sorry that got a bit rambly. I hope there's something in it that you can apply during your nine year old's present struggles.
posted by flabdablet at 6:40 AM on December 22, 2022 [14 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks to all, there's definitely a lot here to learn from. Just to add and respond to some of the suggestions:
- I don't think the pandemic where I am was particularly stressful for him, since schools were not closed for long, and we had a 'bubble' with his best friend when they were, plus mom and dad had flexible jobs and we could do a lot of stuff and meet people outside even at the worst times. He's been back in normal school for a year and half at least, and before that it was a bit on and off.
- His behavior is not particularly abnormal, and I've seen a lot of his classmates go way more overboard emotionally or be way more out of control here and there. But it seems to me also systematic enough that it's worth seeing if there's something we can do better or some way to help him. I straight up asked his teachers if we should be talking to a doctor or therapist or what not, and they all said no. So my sense is (without ruling out something more serious) I want to just start with things we can do at home (and I appreciate some of the advice so far on that).
- I don't think there is any particular traumatic event. He's always been a bit this way, and he's actually gotten better overall, though it comes and goes a bit, perhaps with the stress of school (which is more stressful than it should be where I live).
posted by melamakarona at 7:31 AM on December 22, 2022
- I don't think the pandemic where I am was particularly stressful for him, since schools were not closed for long, and we had a 'bubble' with his best friend when they were, plus mom and dad had flexible jobs and we could do a lot of stuff and meet people outside even at the worst times. He's been back in normal school for a year and half at least, and before that it was a bit on and off.
- His behavior is not particularly abnormal, and I've seen a lot of his classmates go way more overboard emotionally or be way more out of control here and there. But it seems to me also systematic enough that it's worth seeing if there's something we can do better or some way to help him. I straight up asked his teachers if we should be talking to a doctor or therapist or what not, and they all said no. So my sense is (without ruling out something more serious) I want to just start with things we can do at home (and I appreciate some of the advice so far on that).
- I don't think there is any particular traumatic event. He's always been a bit this way, and he's actually gotten better overall, though it comes and goes a bit, perhaps with the stress of school (which is more stressful than it should be where I live).
posted by melamakarona at 7:31 AM on December 22, 2022
Parent of an 8 year old and teacher here. One idea might be to talk this through with him at a time when he is in a calm and warm state of mind. And working together to brainstorm strategies that HE thinks might work with you adding your own ideas. I would be sure to phrase this in a loving and problem solving way-- "I've noticed that when you are frustrated or angry it can be really hard for you to X, Y, Z and I'd love for us to work together to come up with a plan for how to handle it. Think of this as Right-Now-You doing this as a present to Future-You." The frequently recommended book 'How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk' has lots of great ideas along these lines and is a quick and easy read.
posted by jeszac at 8:06 AM on December 22, 2022
posted by jeszac at 8:06 AM on December 22, 2022
My 13 year old is like this and in his case it is anxiety and not ADHD or autism. I’ll just give one piece of advice as it relates to your #1, as this is something that is immediately under your control: don’t amplify his anxiety with your own perfectionism. In your first example, there was no need to follow-up with the other mom to check whether they were going to add pictures. I think your son’s first impulse to just do the assignment as the teacher described was right. Getting a message from you that, no, he/you need to do a bunch of extra steps and make sure everything is exactly right before proceeding likely exacerbated his perfectionism rather than allayed it. Stepping back, letting him make these kinds of decisions for himself, even if you know it means failure, is better for him in the long run and is how he will develop the skills to cope with failure. This was something I struggled with myself and it has been beneficial to examine the ways in which I was contributing negatively to my kid’s perfectionism.
posted by scantee at 8:08 AM on December 22, 2022 [24 favorites]
posted by scantee at 8:08 AM on December 22, 2022 [24 favorites]
Agreeing with scantee, this sounds to me a lot like a normal kid who is going from a little kid (5-8) to a big kid (pre-teen) and doesn't need a parent's help and intervention as much as he used to. I think it's very likely his frustration is more at the fact that is is growing up and becoming more independent and you are resisting this a bit.
1) I agree with him. The other family had a week to add their photos? Yeah, I would have made the same decision he made, but either way it was HIS decision to make. It is HIS homework.
2) Don't go back and forth with him on the daily activities. Set the boundary and let him choose the consequence if he wants. That's his choice and it is how he will learn.
3) Let him make mistakes on his homework, don't offer input on his homework unless he asks for help or guidance.
4) Isn't hurt and anger a very normal response for anyone who is has been hurt by a friend? Maybe it feels more intense because he is new to the bigger more complex feelings like 'betrayal.' Let him navigate his feelings without pushing him. Guide if he asks, but mostly listen and sympathize.
Regarding rejecting the bedtime stories, etc. I see a couple possible components to that is 1) bed time stories are a "little kid" thing and he may be feeling like he shouldn't need / want it. 2) he's just overwhelmed with being told what to do (in school, at home) that he just wants to have some control / say no to something, even if it is something he does want.
The hard part as a parent is we do know what they want, and what is best for them, but we have to let them figure it out on their own.
Essentially, he is growing up, give him room to grow (and make mistakes). He'll be less stressed if he knows it's ok to make mistakes and not be perfect in his actions all the time.
posted by CleverClover at 9:52 AM on December 22, 2022 [7 favorites]
1) I agree with him. The other family had a week to add their photos? Yeah, I would have made the same decision he made, but either way it was HIS decision to make. It is HIS homework.
2) Don't go back and forth with him on the daily activities. Set the boundary and let him choose the consequence if he wants. That's his choice and it is how he will learn.
3) Let him make mistakes on his homework, don't offer input on his homework unless he asks for help or guidance.
4) Isn't hurt and anger a very normal response for anyone who is has been hurt by a friend? Maybe it feels more intense because he is new to the bigger more complex feelings like 'betrayal.' Let him navigate his feelings without pushing him. Guide if he asks, but mostly listen and sympathize.
Regarding rejecting the bedtime stories, etc. I see a couple possible components to that is 1) bed time stories are a "little kid" thing and he may be feeling like he shouldn't need / want it. 2) he's just overwhelmed with being told what to do (in school, at home) that he just wants to have some control / say no to something, even if it is something he does want.
The hard part as a parent is we do know what they want, and what is best for them, but we have to let them figure it out on their own.
Essentially, he is growing up, give him room to grow (and make mistakes). He'll be less stressed if he knows it's ok to make mistakes and not be perfect in his actions all the time.
posted by CleverClover at 9:52 AM on December 22, 2022 [7 favorites]
My child (now 11) is and has been very similar in temperament: resistant to being told to do things he doesn't want to do, very sensitive to criticism and stress, prone to extreme emotional outbursts. I'm not sure how much progress we've really made; he's become much better in the last year, so it might be maturity level (that's the good news).
One resource that helped a little was the book The Explosive Child which did give some useful strategies and insights, mostly along the lines of minimizing back-and-forth arguments when my child is REALLY emotional and can't respond rationally, plus having calm reflective discussions with the child about strategies for avoiding these explosions.
posted by daisystomper at 11:26 AM on December 22, 2022 [2 favorites]
One resource that helped a little was the book The Explosive Child which did give some useful strategies and insights, mostly along the lines of minimizing back-and-forth arguments when my child is REALLY emotional and can't respond rationally, plus having calm reflective discussions with the child about strategies for avoiding these explosions.
posted by daisystomper at 11:26 AM on December 22, 2022 [2 favorites]
You might find it helpful to reflect on how your own parenting type may impact the situation.
I think it's worth trying getting input from your kiddo when he is calm about different concerns. Try to make it a collaborative effort about what he sees, and how you can help him help himself (instead of imposing your will from above). For instance, maybe discuss what a good after school routine would look like. Perhaps he's too overwhelmed from school to immediately start on homework, so maybe he needs to get home, get a snack, and play with things that don't require electricity for a bit before starting homework. Or maybe he will identify that transitions away from screens are hard and the two of you can collaborate on solutions. Or maybe there's a signal he can give you that says he's at his limit, and you will try to minimize requests.
Do also consider that there may be parent-child interactions at play, so consider exposing him to people and activities where these skills and values can be reinforced from not the parent(s). For instance, growth mindset and/or self regulation can be reinforced through sports, extracurricular activities (e.g. martial arts, yoga) and relevant books. A tutor / academic coach can help with homework and/or teach study skills (since sometimes schools assume that students magically learn these skills).
Of course there is room for parent(s) to model these behaviors/ expectations. You want your kid's brain to grow as much as possible so that means trying his best, and working through failure. (Possible activity: decorating cookies... they don't have to be decorated perfectly to be delicious).
Something to watch out for is that twice exceptional children can often compensate ... until they can't. Strategies for students with ADHD, anxiety, autism, etc. may also work for your son.
It's also probably checking if the teacher has any concerns / advice. If your kid seems to be on track, then maybe worry less about homework, which hasn't been shown to provide academic benefits before high school anyways.
posted by oceano at 12:08 PM on December 22, 2022 [1 favorite]
I think it's worth trying getting input from your kiddo when he is calm about different concerns. Try to make it a collaborative effort about what he sees, and how you can help him help himself (instead of imposing your will from above). For instance, maybe discuss what a good after school routine would look like. Perhaps he's too overwhelmed from school to immediately start on homework, so maybe he needs to get home, get a snack, and play with things that don't require electricity for a bit before starting homework. Or maybe he will identify that transitions away from screens are hard and the two of you can collaborate on solutions. Or maybe there's a signal he can give you that says he's at his limit, and you will try to minimize requests.
Do also consider that there may be parent-child interactions at play, so consider exposing him to people and activities where these skills and values can be reinforced from not the parent(s). For instance, growth mindset and/or self regulation can be reinforced through sports, extracurricular activities (e.g. martial arts, yoga) and relevant books. A tutor / academic coach can help with homework and/or teach study skills (since sometimes schools assume that students magically learn these skills).
Of course there is room for parent(s) to model these behaviors/ expectations. You want your kid's brain to grow as much as possible so that means trying his best, and working through failure. (Possible activity: decorating cookies... they don't have to be decorated perfectly to be delicious).
Something to watch out for is that twice exceptional children can often compensate ... until they can't. Strategies for students with ADHD, anxiety, autism, etc. may also work for your son.
It's also probably checking if the teacher has any concerns / advice. If your kid seems to be on track, then maybe worry less about homework, which hasn't been shown to provide academic benefits before high school anyways.
posted by oceano at 12:08 PM on December 22, 2022 [1 favorite]
If your child is doing fine academically and socially, teachers don't think he needs an evaluation, and you're seeing similar behaviors or worse with his peers, then
(1) He's 9. Let him do his own homework.
(2) He's 9. He should grow out of it, most people do, and for the ones who don't, contrariness followed by regret isn't something that can be medicated away.
(3) He's 9. Let him do his own homework. It's possible that he finds "help" stressful because he's getting the message that his work isn't good enough and he's not good enough.
(4) He's 9. Children that age tend to get outraged over what they see as unfairness, and it's usually a good idea to wait until the yelling or sulking is over to have an in-depth discussion. Time to process and silence to speak.
I'm sure he's been told that making mistakes is okay and that mistakes are how we learn, but has he seen that in practice?
Let him do his own homework, and if he does it wrong, he can get that feedback from a teacher. I'm not advocating a completely hands off approach--I think it's a good idea to keep in touch with teachers so that homework keeps making it from the kitchen table to the teacher's desk.
posted by betweenthebars at 4:26 PM on December 22, 2022 [12 favorites]
(1) He's 9. Let him do his own homework.
(2) He's 9. He should grow out of it, most people do, and for the ones who don't, contrariness followed by regret isn't something that can be medicated away.
(3) He's 9. Let him do his own homework. It's possible that he finds "help" stressful because he's getting the message that his work isn't good enough and he's not good enough.
(4) He's 9. Children that age tend to get outraged over what they see as unfairness, and it's usually a good idea to wait until the yelling or sulking is over to have an in-depth discussion. Time to process and silence to speak.
I'm sure he's been told that making mistakes is okay and that mistakes are how we learn, but has he seen that in practice?
Let him do his own homework, and if he does it wrong, he can get that feedback from a teacher. I'm not advocating a completely hands off approach--I think it's a good idea to keep in touch with teachers so that homework keeps making it from the kitchen table to the teacher's desk.
posted by betweenthebars at 4:26 PM on December 22, 2022 [12 favorites]
Sometimes we parents see our kids walking down a path that looks smooth and fine to them. Because we are taller, we see the broken pavement ahead, and we don't want them to trip. So we warn them about the pavement. The pavement is broken up ahead! Take the path veering to the right! It's smoother!
But those darn kids, those don't always believe us. So they keep on the road with the broken pavement ahead.
And that's when we really have to make a choice as parents: is it more important to get the kid off the road before he hits the broken pavement and maybe trips, or is it more important for the kid to experience the broken pavement and trip or maybe not trip, but to learn about broken pavement, and then to learn maybe how to avoid it next time -- or maybe to learn that our worries for them don't always come true?
There are absolutely times when we need to get them off the road with the broken pavement -- when there's a real physical danger, like if they're messing around with something dangerous or about to walk in front of traffic. But, the examples you mentioned aren't really those times.
I think you need to give your kid some space to walk down the road even though you can see the broken pavement.
Examples 1, 2, and 3 are all times when you are telling him to do something differently than what he wants to do. I think, gently, you need to practice letting him chart his own course a bit more. Could you try asking questions rather than making suggestions or telling him what to do? In example one, with the book with photos, he was experiencing some stress between his understanding of the rules of what you were telling him (based on your understanding of the rules). That does sounds difficult! Parent says one thing, teacher says another. This is a case where it can be a lot better to give him some space to do the assignment as he understands it, or ask him if he wants help.
In example 2, you are telling him to do something and then bickering a bit, and it's a big control battle, and you pull out the "No tv til you make your bed" line or whatever, and then he says fine. He's trying to hold onto whatever control he can because at that moment, he doesn't want to do the chore. He's learning some emotional regulation when he goes back and realizes he really wants the tv so he should make his bed. I'd encourage you to find a way to step back and perhaps give him some more control and more choices. Instead of, "Make your bed," maybe something like, "Here are two chores you can do: make your bed or clean the sink. After you do one, you can watch tv." Give him a choice and some autonomy so he can flex some independence.
In example 3, he has his way of doing his homework, and you don't like that, so you are trying to tell him to be more like you and do it slowly, and then he gets stressed. This is a case where you might need to spend some time reflecting on why you think your way is better and how he will learn to do it differently. If he rushes of his own volition and doesn't do well on that assignment, he experiences natural consequences. He needs to stumble and sometimes fail in order to change. We try to protect our kids from these bumps, but then the next set of bumps is even more complicated, and they'll never learn it on their own.
So I'm thinking that you are anxious about his possible failures and challenges, and then you end up making him anxious by trying to tell him to do things that create anxiety for him. This doesn't really work.
What you are doing sounds to me like it could be a form of intensive parenting. Can you read this article in the Atlantic? It's incredibly insightful. If you can't read it, DM me and I'll get you an unpaywalled version. Intensive parenting is very much the dominant parenting style in the US right now, and this article argues that the solution is "good enough parenting":
“Good enough” does not mean mediocre or apathetic (the not-good-enough parent is real), but requires acknowledging the point beyond which attempts at further optimization cause more harm than good. Given reasonable conditions and plenty of love, there are many ways in which kids can have happy childhoods and emerge as healthy, conscientious, successful adults. The developmental psychologist and philosopher Alison Gopnik likens this approach to gardening. Where intensive parents are carpenters, hammering children into a particular shape one stroke at a time, gardening parents pour their labor into creating preconditions of “love, safety, and stability” for their kids to grow in potentially unpredictable ways.
So how do we move away from the cult of intensive parenting? Very carefully and intentionally. We have to start thinking of parenting not as a set of instructions but as several dials. Research suggests that certain dials, such as “display love,” “validate feelings,” and “set aside some regular quality time,” should absolutely be turned up to 10. Others, such as “solve your child’s (nonserious) problem for them,” should be pretty low. And many, such as “provide educational support” and “offer enrichment activities,” should be somewhere in the center. Your exact dial settings will depend on your values and your family situation, of course. All 10s and all ones are almost always a bad idea.
It's not bad to worry about our kids, or want better for them. But it's also not clear that our worry and efforts to optimize actually achieve those goals. With great respect, I think this is a lot about you and and maybe your anxieties and less about your kid and how he's doing. Good luck working through all this much. Parenting is quite a ride.
posted by bluedaisy at 5:17 PM on December 22, 2022 [5 favorites]
But those darn kids, those don't always believe us. So they keep on the road with the broken pavement ahead.
And that's when we really have to make a choice as parents: is it more important to get the kid off the road before he hits the broken pavement and maybe trips, or is it more important for the kid to experience the broken pavement and trip or maybe not trip, but to learn about broken pavement, and then to learn maybe how to avoid it next time -- or maybe to learn that our worries for them don't always come true?
There are absolutely times when we need to get them off the road with the broken pavement -- when there's a real physical danger, like if they're messing around with something dangerous or about to walk in front of traffic. But, the examples you mentioned aren't really those times.
I think you need to give your kid some space to walk down the road even though you can see the broken pavement.
Examples 1, 2, and 3 are all times when you are telling him to do something differently than what he wants to do. I think, gently, you need to practice letting him chart his own course a bit more. Could you try asking questions rather than making suggestions or telling him what to do? In example one, with the book with photos, he was experiencing some stress between his understanding of the rules of what you were telling him (based on your understanding of the rules). That does sounds difficult! Parent says one thing, teacher says another. This is a case where it can be a lot better to give him some space to do the assignment as he understands it, or ask him if he wants help.
In example 2, you are telling him to do something and then bickering a bit, and it's a big control battle, and you pull out the "No tv til you make your bed" line or whatever, and then he says fine. He's trying to hold onto whatever control he can because at that moment, he doesn't want to do the chore. He's learning some emotional regulation when he goes back and realizes he really wants the tv so he should make his bed. I'd encourage you to find a way to step back and perhaps give him some more control and more choices. Instead of, "Make your bed," maybe something like, "Here are two chores you can do: make your bed or clean the sink. After you do one, you can watch tv." Give him a choice and some autonomy so he can flex some independence.
In example 3, he has his way of doing his homework, and you don't like that, so you are trying to tell him to be more like you and do it slowly, and then he gets stressed. This is a case where you might need to spend some time reflecting on why you think your way is better and how he will learn to do it differently. If he rushes of his own volition and doesn't do well on that assignment, he experiences natural consequences. He needs to stumble and sometimes fail in order to change. We try to protect our kids from these bumps, but then the next set of bumps is even more complicated, and they'll never learn it on their own.
So I'm thinking that you are anxious about his possible failures and challenges, and then you end up making him anxious by trying to tell him to do things that create anxiety for him. This doesn't really work.
What you are doing sounds to me like it could be a form of intensive parenting. Can you read this article in the Atlantic? It's incredibly insightful. If you can't read it, DM me and I'll get you an unpaywalled version. Intensive parenting is very much the dominant parenting style in the US right now, and this article argues that the solution is "good enough parenting":
“Good enough” does not mean mediocre or apathetic (the not-good-enough parent is real), but requires acknowledging the point beyond which attempts at further optimization cause more harm than good. Given reasonable conditions and plenty of love, there are many ways in which kids can have happy childhoods and emerge as healthy, conscientious, successful adults. The developmental psychologist and philosopher Alison Gopnik likens this approach to gardening. Where intensive parents are carpenters, hammering children into a particular shape one stroke at a time, gardening parents pour their labor into creating preconditions of “love, safety, and stability” for their kids to grow in potentially unpredictable ways.
So how do we move away from the cult of intensive parenting? Very carefully and intentionally. We have to start thinking of parenting not as a set of instructions but as several dials. Research suggests that certain dials, such as “display love,” “validate feelings,” and “set aside some regular quality time,” should absolutely be turned up to 10. Others, such as “solve your child’s (nonserious) problem for them,” should be pretty low. And many, such as “provide educational support” and “offer enrichment activities,” should be somewhere in the center. Your exact dial settings will depend on your values and your family situation, of course. All 10s and all ones are almost always a bad idea.
It's not bad to worry about our kids, or want better for them. But it's also not clear that our worry and efforts to optimize actually achieve those goals. With great respect, I think this is a lot about you and and maybe your anxieties and less about your kid and how he's doing. Good luck working through all this much. Parenting is quite a ride.
posted by bluedaisy at 5:17 PM on December 22, 2022 [5 favorites]
Since you asked for strategies, i would second the recommendation for How to Talk So Kids Will listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk. It is much more practical than the title suggests - it is not just about talking but also how to win your kids cooperation.
posted by metahawk at 7:48 PM on December 22, 2022
posted by metahawk at 7:48 PM on December 22, 2022
I'm not a parenting expert but the whole dynamic you describe is so familiar from my own brain, and the way it feels when I'm getting "stuck" and locked up in an argument and need to give the topic some room to breathe. When he says he doesn't want a story, do you argue with him right away, or do you release the tension - drop the rope - and say "ok, let me know if you change your mind"? You'll know better than I do what dropping the rope looks like for you and him, but sometimes - more often than I would have believed, even with adults - taking the competition away lets you be an ally and a source of comfort again. Maybe he doesn't want (or have time for) a story but after he's processed his feelings a bit he will want a hug - because you still love him and he still loves you, and you find ways to show that.
And as he gets older, you'll see him in a struggle like this with someone else or with his own mind, and you can teach him how to tell when to back away and reset his approach too. Knots are easier to untangle if you aren't pulling on them too hard.
posted by Lady Li at 12:10 AM on December 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
And as he gets older, you'll see him in a struggle like this with someone else or with his own mind, and you can teach him how to tell when to back away and reset his approach too. Knots are easier to untangle if you aren't pulling on them too hard.
posted by Lady Li at 12:10 AM on December 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
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posted by missjenny at 4:40 AM on December 22, 2022 [4 favorites]