What’s your fatal flaw?
December 15, 2022 2:13 PM Subscribe
What’s your fatal flaw, how have you embraced (or changed?) it and how as it influenced and shaped the outcome of your life?
Currently watching game of thrones season 4 (yes totally behind the zeitgeist, NO SPOILERS).
I read a review of S4E8 describing Prince Oberyn’s fatal flaw as his unwillingness to let good enough rest; his insistence on not only vengeance but a confession is his complete undoing. And I began to reflect on other character’s flaws. I’m now far enough in the series to see story arcs play out as a direct result of their personality / choices / values (Sansa/lack of proactive manipulation, Robb/tactical decisions, Tyrion/intelligence and pride).
Being in my 40s I started to wonder about MY fatal flaw and I think it’s my lack of competitiveness. For either fear, laziness or just disinclination, I am not competitive when it counts. I would be way more successful at work if I just could muster some drive to slightly edge out others in my performance (in a healthy competition way). I can be incredibly strategic and plan communication well but when it comes to competing with others I just won’t. I’ll compete with myself but I don’t want to push YOU out to win. I’d be a terrible athlete. And yet knowing this about me I wouldn’t really change it if I could…
So, what’s your fatal flaw? I don’t mean what you hate about yourself or want to change or my life would be better “if only.” But what value / personality trait has influenced the course of your life and what do you think of it?
(Alternative: recommend well written biographies that explore this)
(This might also explain why I love mad men and Episode 1-6 of Star Wars so could also recommend a character show with fatal flaws)
Currently watching game of thrones season 4 (yes totally behind the zeitgeist, NO SPOILERS).
I read a review of S4E8 describing Prince Oberyn’s fatal flaw as his unwillingness to let good enough rest; his insistence on not only vengeance but a confession is his complete undoing. And I began to reflect on other character’s flaws. I’m now far enough in the series to see story arcs play out as a direct result of their personality / choices / values (Sansa/lack of proactive manipulation, Robb/tactical decisions, Tyrion/intelligence and pride).
Being in my 40s I started to wonder about MY fatal flaw and I think it’s my lack of competitiveness. For either fear, laziness or just disinclination, I am not competitive when it counts. I would be way more successful at work if I just could muster some drive to slightly edge out others in my performance (in a healthy competition way). I can be incredibly strategic and plan communication well but when it comes to competing with others I just won’t. I’ll compete with myself but I don’t want to push YOU out to win. I’d be a terrible athlete. And yet knowing this about me I wouldn’t really change it if I could…
So, what’s your fatal flaw? I don’t mean what you hate about yourself or want to change or my life would be better “if only.” But what value / personality trait has influenced the course of your life and what do you think of it?
(Alternative: recommend well written biographies that explore this)
(This might also explain why I love mad men and Episode 1-6 of Star Wars so could also recommend a character show with fatal flaws)
Overthinking has been my life's blessing and curse. When I was younger, it drove my vices and motivations for thrill-seeking and escape from my own head. At the same time, the anxiety and rumination of it all was why I missed opportunities, left parties early and bailed on events. But also why I stayed up late, overworking to get things right (perfectionism) and make sure other people were taken care of (people-pleasing to my own great detriment). However, that attunement to thought and detail set me on a career course that took me pretty far in many different directions. It's also what motivated me to pursue a PhD in a very nerdy, thinky field.
I eventually tamed and embraced overthinking. I finally settled on a career I just love — one that very much involves deep thinking, reframing and capitalising upon these decades of struggle. So I would say overthinking is still very much influencing the direction of my life.
Something that once drove me to insomnia, rumination spirals and so much anxiety has now become a strength of sorts and it compels me to be creative and resourceful with all this mental energy.
Perhaps it's more accurate to say it's like a curse, then a blessing.
posted by iamkimiam at 3:21 PM on December 15, 2022 [2 favorites]
I eventually tamed and embraced overthinking. I finally settled on a career I just love — one that very much involves deep thinking, reframing and capitalising upon these decades of struggle. So I would say overthinking is still very much influencing the direction of my life.
Something that once drove me to insomnia, rumination spirals and so much anxiety has now become a strength of sorts and it compels me to be creative and resourceful with all this mental energy.
Perhaps it's more accurate to say it's like a curse, then a blessing.
posted by iamkimiam at 3:21 PM on December 15, 2022 [2 favorites]
Agreed with the above; I've grown to embrace my flaws, and the fact that I'm still alive by definition means that whatever flaws I do have have not proven fatal. Every once in a while I wonder what my life would be like if I were more ambitious or if I tidied my desk or something, but I always come back to realize that's not *me*. I'm too old to care about what other people think I should do, and I have enough self-control that if something I'm doing really clashes with my own conception of myself, I change. So no fatal flaws.
Fatal flaws exist in fiction because fiction requires tension. Stories about characters with flaws are written specifically to emphasize plots that interact with that particular trait. I'm not familiar with Game of Thrones, but it's easy for me to think of situations in which the character trait of Oberyn's that you're describing could actually be a positive. Or situations in which the flaw you described in yourself could be a positive, for that matter. It's only a fatal flaw because George RR Martin/the show's writers wrote about a specific situation in which vindictiveness would cause problems for the character. Had he written, say, The Sun Also Rises, maybe that's still a character flaw, but it probably doesn't affect the story the way it does in GoT. In a Hemingway story like that, it seems like unnecessary detail. So yeah, my point is that "fatal" flaws are a product of the situation, and unless you find yourself in a situation where your lack of competitiveness is what will define you (maybe like a Squid Game?), it's unlikely to really be a "fatal" flaw.
posted by kevinbelt at 3:28 PM on December 15, 2022
Fatal flaws exist in fiction because fiction requires tension. Stories about characters with flaws are written specifically to emphasize plots that interact with that particular trait. I'm not familiar with Game of Thrones, but it's easy for me to think of situations in which the character trait of Oberyn's that you're describing could actually be a positive. Or situations in which the flaw you described in yourself could be a positive, for that matter. It's only a fatal flaw because George RR Martin/the show's writers wrote about a specific situation in which vindictiveness would cause problems for the character. Had he written, say, The Sun Also Rises, maybe that's still a character flaw, but it probably doesn't affect the story the way it does in GoT. In a Hemingway story like that, it seems like unnecessary detail. So yeah, my point is that "fatal" flaws are a product of the situation, and unless you find yourself in a situation where your lack of competitiveness is what will define you (maybe like a Squid Game?), it's unlikely to really be a "fatal" flaw.
posted by kevinbelt at 3:28 PM on December 15, 2022
Best answer: Avoidance of conflict/lack of assertiveness
It’s been a hindrance in both my family life and my professional development.
It has also helped me develop my skill with diplomacy. That is, my ability to advocate for what I think is right without creating conflict or the appearance of personal animus or ambition.
To trade in stereotypes, I’m Upper Midwestern to the core and have lived here all my life. A strongly “guess-not-ask” culture. Navigating touchy situations without rocking the boat can be a real asset here.
It can also lead to being trampled on. And an appearance of weakness among those who like to “tell it like it is.” Whether at the dinner table or on the strategic planning committee.
Someone outside my personal sphere - a therapist - correctly pointed out this a boundary issue. I can be highly deferential to others’ boundaries as I perceive them, while being unable to enforce my own.
That has helped IMMENSELY.
So: get someone who can help you identify, understand, and then deal with yours. Someone who’s a professional who will listen to your story and give you actionable feedback.
posted by Caxton1476 at 3:29 PM on December 15, 2022 [5 favorites]
It’s been a hindrance in both my family life and my professional development.
It has also helped me develop my skill with diplomacy. That is, my ability to advocate for what I think is right without creating conflict or the appearance of personal animus or ambition.
To trade in stereotypes, I’m Upper Midwestern to the core and have lived here all my life. A strongly “guess-not-ask” culture. Navigating touchy situations without rocking the boat can be a real asset here.
It can also lead to being trampled on. And an appearance of weakness among those who like to “tell it like it is.” Whether at the dinner table or on the strategic planning committee.
Someone outside my personal sphere - a therapist - correctly pointed out this a boundary issue. I can be highly deferential to others’ boundaries as I perceive them, while being unable to enforce my own.
That has helped IMMENSELY.
So: get someone who can help you identify, understand, and then deal with yours. Someone who’s a professional who will listen to your story and give you actionable feedback.
posted by Caxton1476 at 3:29 PM on December 15, 2022 [5 favorites]
But what value / personality trait has influenced the course of your life and what do you think of it?
I prefer being by myself to being in the company of others in basically every situation. I have people in my life who I like and I have friends in my life who I love spending time with. I'm even pretty outgoing! But ultimately I just prefer to enjoy things alone.
I don't think that's really a "fatal" flaw, at least I don't think it's had a noticeable negative impact on my life. (On the contrary, I've become much happier and less stressed out embracing this truth about my personality.) But it's certainly beyond a doubt influenced the course of my life more than any other thing. I am completely free. My time is my own. My interests are my own. My successes and failures are my own. No one has to approve of my choices but me.
As a negative it sets me apart as a distinct outlier, which other people may find weird, but that's fine because I don't need them to like me anyway.
"Don't you get lonely? Aren't you bored?" people will often ask. By myself? No, never, not as far back as I can remember. The only times I ever feel bored or lonely are when I'm with other people. That's the kind of thing that sounds awful to say, but it's true, and I don't really know what else to do about that.
posted by phunniemee at 3:42 PM on December 15, 2022 [8 favorites]
I prefer being by myself to being in the company of others in basically every situation. I have people in my life who I like and I have friends in my life who I love spending time with. I'm even pretty outgoing! But ultimately I just prefer to enjoy things alone.
I don't think that's really a "fatal" flaw, at least I don't think it's had a noticeable negative impact on my life. (On the contrary, I've become much happier and less stressed out embracing this truth about my personality.) But it's certainly beyond a doubt influenced the course of my life more than any other thing. I am completely free. My time is my own. My interests are my own. My successes and failures are my own. No one has to approve of my choices but me.
As a negative it sets me apart as a distinct outlier, which other people may find weird, but that's fine because I don't need them to like me anyway.
"Don't you get lonely? Aren't you bored?" people will often ask. By myself? No, never, not as far back as I can remember. The only times I ever feel bored or lonely are when I'm with other people. That's the kind of thing that sounds awful to say, but it's true, and I don't really know what else to do about that.
posted by phunniemee at 3:42 PM on December 15, 2022 [8 favorites]
Best answer: there are times "it's not all about you" is a reminder I needed
- taking things way too personally
- forgetting to leave a bit more space for the other person
I get along with people and people seem to get along with me, but I have rarely regretted those moments when I can "catch myself" and be a bit more objective? this is something I perceive as a problem primarily during times of conflict, I think I'd have better responses sometimes if I did not take things personally and tried to see what was happening and think of how I'd like things to resolve, instead of just engaging
posted by elkevelvet at 3:43 PM on December 15, 2022 [1 favorite]
- taking things way too personally
- forgetting to leave a bit more space for the other person
I get along with people and people seem to get along with me, but I have rarely regretted those moments when I can "catch myself" and be a bit more objective? this is something I perceive as a problem primarily during times of conflict, I think I'd have better responses sometimes if I did not take things personally and tried to see what was happening and think of how I'd like things to resolve, instead of just engaging
posted by elkevelvet at 3:43 PM on December 15, 2022 [1 favorite]
Someone was telling me the other day that there's research about people doing best at work when they focus on making the most of their more positive qualities rather than trying to "fix" whatever's seen as more negative. Not really answering your question but I just wanted to mention that.
posted by pinochiette at 4:14 PM on December 15, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by pinochiette at 4:14 PM on December 15, 2022 [2 favorites]
It's mostly woo, but I've found, for fiction characters anyway, that doing the Myers-Briggs thing and then looking for 'flaws weakness INTJ' or whatever can be helpful.
posted by The otter lady at 4:15 PM on December 15, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by The otter lady at 4:15 PM on December 15, 2022 [1 favorite]
Best answer: My tendency is to give people the benefit of the doubt, sometimes to the point of naivety. It's not that I'm particularly trusting so much as I believe people usually mean well and aren't conniving.
This has gotten me into trouble (nothing major, thankfully) and has made other people misread some situations with me. I know this could cause more problems for myself but I'd also rather be this way than not. I at least have good friends around me that are happy to point out when I'm doing this.
(I am fairly empathetic and intuitive so I can read social interactions pretty well but I think some of it is that I think everyone is like me.)
posted by edencosmic at 4:38 PM on December 15, 2022
This has gotten me into trouble (nothing major, thankfully) and has made other people misread some situations with me. I know this could cause more problems for myself but I'd also rather be this way than not. I at least have good friends around me that are happy to point out when I'm doing this.
(I am fairly empathetic and intuitive so I can read social interactions pretty well but I think some of it is that I think everyone is like me.)
posted by edencosmic at 4:38 PM on December 15, 2022
Agree with others who say that there's not really any such thing as a "fatal flaw". On TV and in movies, in books and in stories, it's easy to craft a character as a compilation of a set of attributes, one of which is a 2 on a scale of 10 when everything else in the attribute set is a 9 or a 10. Real human beings? We don't really work that way. We're all a mess, we're all perfect, we're all flawed, we're all competent...and often all at the same time. And often that'll change in a week, and often in ways we don't ever foresee (or even recognize!).
As to your perception that you could be more "competitive", I would ask this as pushback: has that lack of competitiveness actively harmed your life in any way? Has it prevented you from living the way you want to live, for the most part? If the answer to either of those is "no", I would argue that what you see as a "flaw" is just a thing you recognize in yourself, not an actual "flaw" or a defect.
I mean, not everyone is competitive in the way you describe yourself as not being, and just because you're not as "competitive" as you think you could be in some optimized version of yourself doesn't mean it's a flaw. It's just part of who you are.
posted by pdb at 8:59 PM on December 15, 2022
As to your perception that you could be more "competitive", I would ask this as pushback: has that lack of competitiveness actively harmed your life in any way? Has it prevented you from living the way you want to live, for the most part? If the answer to either of those is "no", I would argue that what you see as a "flaw" is just a thing you recognize in yourself, not an actual "flaw" or a defect.
I mean, not everyone is competitive in the way you describe yourself as not being, and just because you're not as "competitive" as you think you could be in some optimized version of yourself doesn't mean it's a flaw. It's just part of who you are.
posted by pdb at 8:59 PM on December 15, 2022
I tend to put myself in situations where I'm an outsider. This isn't very comfortable but it means that I've had broader experiences than I would otherwise have had, because I am also risk averse. So for example, I have travelled to places and spent time with people who are quite different from me. In my job, I have an unusual background for my profession and this helps me have a different perspective on it. I am valued by others for my ability to look with fresh eyes at something they are accustomed to.
posted by plonkee at 9:28 PM on December 15, 2022
posted by plonkee at 9:28 PM on December 15, 2022
I don't think the pushback you are getting on this is all that necessary. Yes, it's in literature/film etc that characters really have "fatal flaws" that entirely shape their character arc. But many of us have features have that have had a "much larger than one might think" impact on the way our professional or personal lives have gone, without those things necessarily being flaws per se.
Your own example is something that you wouldn't change about yourself. It's a feature, not a bug, but that doesn't really destroy the premise of your (very interesting) question.
posted by plonkee at 9:29 PM on December 15, 2022 [1 favorite]
Your own example is something that you wouldn't change about yourself. It's a feature, not a bug, but that doesn't really destroy the premise of your (very interesting) question.
posted by plonkee at 9:29 PM on December 15, 2022 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I like to get big groups of people involved in big creative projects. It offers lots of people the opportunity to try something new and take a reasonable risk. But the scale becomes overwhelming and people burn out. For example, I wanted to play West African-style dance music, so I built a band with 14 members and collected a bunch of songs and wrote horn charts and booked gigs, etc. It was fun but also a little weird. Now I’m a high school drama director and we do big ambitious invented plays — we’re devising our own Alice in Wonderland out of workshops and improvisation, a student is directing, etc.
It’s something I do over and over. I keep inflating the balloon until it pops and hurts a lot of people’s ears. I can’t do anything small — it’s all-encompassing or nothing.
It’s just who I am and what I do. The work involved in changing this trait is too great and probably wouldn’t work anyway.
posted by argybarg at 9:43 PM on December 15, 2022 [1 favorite]
It’s something I do over and over. I keep inflating the balloon until it pops and hurts a lot of people’s ears. I can’t do anything small — it’s all-encompassing or nothing.
It’s just who I am and what I do. The work involved in changing this trait is too great and probably wouldn’t work anyway.
posted by argybarg at 9:43 PM on December 15, 2022 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I think my “flaw” vocab choice was poor since I don’t mean it as necessarily a flaw; trait would have been a better word. (And I don’t see mine as a flaw to be corrected, that is to say I don’t want to put my effort into changing it but I can see how things would have played out quite differently for me if that trait was different. ) So ya please continue with the cool and illuminating stories of strong traits and life flows. It’s expanding my perspective a lot! Thanks!!
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:50 PM on December 15, 2022
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:50 PM on December 15, 2022
My ambition genes were shot off in the war. I had/have a 3 year-older brother who was/is conventionally smart and successful and so I "gave up" on that tosh and adopted a rather ironic / cynical / skeptical persona. This lack of belief meant that my career in science was littered with unfinished projects and, especially, unwritten papers. Rather than actually nailing my colours to the project's mast and getting the work through the review process, I'd flit off to the next shiny idea and start on that . . . until I'd solved that problem to my own satisfaction [but not enough to the satisfaction of editors, referees, the boss]. Then about halfway through my career, I was talking to the guy who occupied the office next door and was usually the smartest person in the room [FRS, h-index=80+ etc.] and suggested that, although I'd be crap as a principal investigator, I'd make an excellent post-doc = first lieutenant so long as I had The Boss to take the ultimate responsibility. I spent the second half of my career in second-rate [but not 5th rate] places and was quite happy and fulfilled having found my level. It's been satisfying to be the infra-structure guy, helping others forward, rather than the centre-forward winning all those medals.
There's a very nice short story The Verger by Somerset Maugham which hinges on a fatal flaw winning someone a fortune.
posted by BobTheScientist at 5:53 AM on December 16, 2022 [3 favorites]
There's a very nice short story The Verger by Somerset Maugham which hinges on a fatal flaw winning someone a fortune.
posted by BobTheScientist at 5:53 AM on December 16, 2022 [3 favorites]
My disdain for learning new things, and being in anxiety-producing situations.
I missed out on the opportunity to make some nice money by turning down an offer to assistant-stage manage an opera company; big anxiety there.
I didn’t pursue higher learning past an Associates Degree because writing papers, ugh.
I’ve never volunteered with my Neighborhood Association because I would have to deal with people, ohlordgetmeoutofhere.
My innate hatred of bosses and being bossed has held me back from “advancement.”
(I’d do the same all over again, though.)
In my defense, I did learn to ice skate in my late ‘50s, so I can put myself out there occasionally.
posted by BostonTerrier at 7:51 AM on December 16, 2022
I missed out on the opportunity to make some nice money by turning down an offer to assistant-stage manage an opera company; big anxiety there.
I didn’t pursue higher learning past an Associates Degree because writing papers, ugh.
I’ve never volunteered with my Neighborhood Association because I would have to deal with people, ohlordgetmeoutofhere.
My innate hatred of bosses and being bossed has held me back from “advancement.”
(I’d do the same all over again, though.)
In my defense, I did learn to ice skate in my late ‘50s, so I can put myself out there occasionally.
posted by BostonTerrier at 7:51 AM on December 16, 2022
Conflict aversion for sure.
If you haven't watched Breaking Bad and Better Call Saul, you should.
posted by Ragged Richard at 9:34 AM on December 16, 2022 [1 favorite]
If you haven't watched Breaking Bad and Better Call Saul, you should.
posted by Ragged Richard at 9:34 AM on December 16, 2022 [1 favorite]
I have almost certainly missed out on some great friendships because I have way, way less patience with introverts and the socially anxious than I should. Not as in getting angry or frustrated; I just have a tendency to move on quickly when I don’t get an immediate response and not circle back. That’s on me.
Realistically my actual fatal flaw will probably be a genetic predisposition towards cancer.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 1:47 PM on December 16, 2022
Realistically my actual fatal flaw will probably be a genetic predisposition towards cancer.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 1:47 PM on December 16, 2022
This thread is closed to new comments.
I totally agree that stories are best when a character has a fatal flaw. However, I'm a real person, not a fictional character, and that's where grace or self-compassion comes in. This isn't a very pithy answer but I think it's one school of thought!
posted by smorgasbord at 2:38 PM on December 15, 2022 [6 favorites]