I’m not your secretary, buzz off! University edition

December 15, 2022 7:27 AM

I am studying a degree programme via distance and a fellow classmate keeps bugging me for information. From simple things like who to email to ask queries to “Can I see your essay?” before the submission. I feel so used.

This person is studying a full time in person degree and doing this degree on the side. They are always complaining about how dull the online degree is and how their focus is the in person one. We had decided to work in a group for one of the courses but they always have excuses (relationship issues, in person MA deadlines) and their work is always a half-hearted last minute effort.

I haven’t said anything cause I’m conflict averse but I cannot take this anymore. I’m tired of being this person’s secretary, sounding board, and “group” work partner. I don’t mind interacting with this person but I CANNOT work with them.

How do I politely disengage? I know I can start by not responding to texts through the day - but I feel like I’m stuck with them for the group projects. We don’t have to work in a group so I can work on my own but this person has taken it for granted that I’ll be there for all future assignments. How do I politely communicate I cannot do this? They are likely to get quite annoyed, I feel controlled by them.

I know how silly this sounds but I hate annoying people and don’t know how to be firm.

PS: We are in Western Europe. The person in question is a foreign student and has openly said they are doing two degrees at the same time to impress future employers.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (30 answers total)

"Our group isn't working for me anymore, I will be completing assignments on my own from this point forward. If you have any future questions regarding assignments, please ask the instructor."

Do not respond to any further communication. You don't owe this person any additional explanation, assistance, or empathy. As you said, you are not required to work in groups. So just. . . don't work in a group with this person.

Who cares if they are annoyed? That is a them problem, not a you problem. Do not respond, explain, or back down. Boundaries (in school, work, and your personal life) are important life skills.
posted by ananci at 7:32 AM on December 15, 2022 [40 favorites]

You don’t owe this person anything. I’m sorry that your kindness has been exploited: generally when we feel used, we are being used so it’s good you’re listening to your gut. I was a foreign student in two countries, including spending three years in Germany. Yes it’s hard and yes having help is important BUT I never mooched off people like this person. There are so many exchanges out there for language and tutoring help, professors and tutors have office hours, and more. They can look up published papers in your discipline online and use those as a guide. Etc. Etc.

I second ananci’s recommendation. You can also say even less: “I’m going to work by myself on all future projects so I’m leaving the group chat. Thanks to everyone for the collaboration and good luck!” Likely others are also feeler used by this person and will appreciate your taking the first step. You can always start a new, smaller group chat later. The holidays are a perfect time to take a step back and not feel guilty!
posted by smorgasbord at 7:40 AM on December 15, 2022 [7 favorites]

If it's not just the two of you in the group, and you want to stay with the group, say, "I'm too busy to help you out like this." Maybe prefaced by, "I'm going to tell you this one time," or, "I'm just going to tell you this one time." If they are too dense to accept this, proceed to ignore them. They will take advantage of you as long as they can.
posted by BibiRose at 7:41 AM on December 15, 2022 [3 favorites]

My college student child just dealt with a person like this. It ended with that person secretly copying my kid's work -- literally word for word -- landing both of them in an honor court proceeding that could've resulted in suspension or expulsion from the college. The upshot was that my kid was cleared and the other student got an F in the class, but the entire thing was massively stressful. Leave the chat, stop working with this guy, remove yourself before it gets worse than it already is.
posted by BlahLaLa at 7:50 AM on December 15, 2022 [29 favorites]

They have broken the social contract. I hereby give you permission to lie and say "I don't know" when this person asks you a question and you do know the answer but don't want to tell them.
posted by brainwane at 8:14 AM on December 15, 2022 [13 favorites]

"Hey, my schedule has gotten a lot more busy so I'm going to need to work on my own from now on, and just a heads-up that I probably won't have time anymore to respond to questions. Sorry about that and good luck!"

(And then don't respond.)
posted by trig at 8:23 AM on December 15, 2022 [30 favorites]

Agreed with Trig's answer, which feels kinder and less conflict-y than some of the others. I would just firm it up a bit --

"Hey, my schedule has gotten a lot more busy so I need to work on my own from now on. Just a heads-up that I don't have time any more to respond to questions. Sorry about that and good luck!"
posted by matrixclown at 8:41 AM on December 15, 2022 [12 favorites]

Just lie and actively be useless to this leech. Feel free to ghost his chats too.
posted by cendawanita at 8:41 AM on December 15, 2022 [6 favorites]

Lots of varied suggestions here, so I will only add that—depending on your institution’s definition of academic misconduct—this may already be at a dangerous point for you. In the U.S., some institutions would consider letting someone see your essay as a significant infraction. You may wish to take a look at your local Code of Conduct, Honor Code, or equivalent document.
posted by cupcakeninja at 8:45 AM on December 15, 2022 [6 favorites]

How about: "Re-evaluating my schedule and time and I'm not able to work as a group any more and won't be able to respond to questions, maybe our instructor has some ideas? I want to give you a heads up regarding requests to look at my essay: This is a violation of our school ethics code. If I were you I would avoid asking anyone for this - it may put your future in danger here."

This is a kindness to this person even if it sounds harsh, and also sort of implies you are not a good person to go to for help anymore - even if you never report them, this suggests that you could.
posted by latkes at 8:53 AM on December 15, 2022 [5 favorites]

I had this with a then-friend (it was one of a few reasons I started drifting away). What helped was holding on to how annoyed I was, so I didn't care as much about them being annoyed when they didn't get what they wanted.

I also started to re-direct to where the answers should be, so if they asked when something was due, I'd say I'm not sure, but it's in the syllabus. That should be even easier to pass off now that everything is online.

More challenging than it used to be, when asked to look at assignments, I conveniently never had them on me. Before I got to my actual breaking point and was still willing to help, I'd ask them if they were confused about a specific problem and help them work through it. But by the end I'd just say nope, not got it on me.

I guess the modern on-line equivalent could be "On my phone, don't have it handy" if you don't want to say no explicitly.

For group work, I agree with Trig's response is the most politic.

Just for the record, I do think you'd be just fine being forthright and telling this person you are not interested in group work with them as you can tell this isn't their priority, so you are being short changed. But since that is stress inducing to you I'd stick with the vague statements and a slow fade to ghosting.
posted by ghost phoneme at 9:09 AM on December 15, 2022 [5 favorites]

Agreeing with trig and matrixclown. It is time to state your desire to disengage before this becomes more problematic, and I would do it in writing just to ensure you have an established paper trail should you need it (heaven forefend that you do, but preparation for that is good sense).

If your institution's rules merit it, advance to latke's suggestion.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 9:17 AM on December 15, 2022 [1 favorite]

Yes, I agree with trig/matrixclown's script as something that is polite yet firm, and also agree with latke's point that it's hard for me to imagine any professor being cool with students sharing their essays (I'm a professor). I would just add, that it is the instructor's job to field annoying questions from students - we are paid for this, you are not - you can and should tell this person if they have questions, the instructor should be their point person.
posted by coffeecat at 10:00 AM on December 15, 2022 [4 favorites]

If there is some requirement for you to work together in a group, then definitely talk with whoever made that requirement to explain the situation.

If there is no requirement, which is what it sounds like, please, for your own sake, disengage. "I'm afraid that isn't possible, and I need to step back from group work." No need to make excuses for yourself or give this person anything to latch onto or argue with you about. Their own studies are their own responsibility, ultimately. They may be upset with you, but you both can't control that and shouldn't care because they are not behaving like a good friend.
posted by Aleyn at 11:17 AM on December 15, 2022 [2 favorites]

for the projects: "I don't think group projects are for me, I'm going to be doing the assignments on my own from now on."

for the requests to share: "we're not supposed to share our work. It's actually in the ethics code." If they argue: "I don't think so, I'm not comfortable with that."

for the queries, just don't answer. Feel free to erase the message from your phone when it comes in so it's not staring at you every time you pick up your phone; once it's gone you can't answer it.

This is all excellent practice for being an adult in the world, by the way.
posted by fingersandtoes at 11:18 AM on December 15, 2022 [5 favorites]

"My situation has changed and I can't be in your group anymore. Good luck with the project!"
"What do you mean? Why?"
"Oh, it's super tedious--workload and family responsibilities... you know how it goes!"
"But don't you think you could make this work? You said you would!"
"I thought it would work, but it won't. I'm sorry you're disappointed."
"But..."
[Ignore/let them have the last word, or just say "I need to focus on my work now. Good luck with the project!"]

Right now, they're being annoying and rude. You're feeling annoyed with them, and offended by their rudeness. What's wrong with letting them share the burden of the discomfort they have caused?
posted by theotherdurassister at 11:36 AM on December 15, 2022 [1 favorite]

One thing that helps when conflict feels really hard is to think about your inner child, or in this case your inner student. Your inner student is a kind, gentle person who is working very hard to accomplish an important goal. Your inner student is too shy or gentle to speak up, and now they are being taken advantage of and dragged down! Someone needs to stand up and defend them! That person is you!
posted by Ausamor at 12:04 PM on December 15, 2022 [7 favorites]

For a few years, I lived in a place with tons of touts, where I was hit up all the time by folks wanting to sell me things. Imagine being addressed specifically and asked for something every few feet on a walk in the neighborhood. I learned to feel comfortable saying no to the touts, and not just ignoring them uncomfortably, through lots of practice, to the extent that it's made it easier for me to say to other people in other situations in life. It's been a great skill to develop, and it only happened through practice. So, I think you need some practice saying no, even when no is a totally fine answer (you're not refusing to provide life saving aid to someone who in an emergency, you know?)

Since it's difficult for you to assert totally reasonable boundaries, I want to suggest you consider this a good challenge for yourself. Also take note of how you feel leading up to it and how you feel afterwards. My guess is that the current situation + anticipation of conflict are both much worse than how it will actually feel to say something to them. I say that in part because a good friend of mine has told me her anticipatory anxiety is always much worse than the actual interaction she's been stressed about.

I like this suggestion from anaci:
"Our group isn't working for me anymore, I will be completing assignments on my own from this point forward. If you have any future questions regarding assignments, please ask the instructor."

Do not respond to any further communication. You don't owe this person any additional explanation, assistance, or empathy. As you said, you are not required to work in groups. So just. . . don't work in a group with this person.

It might also be helpful to think through worst case scenarios. What's your fear about what will happen? They'll tell you you are a jerk? Well, you aren't. They are taking advantage of your inability to say not. They are being a jerk. I think they'll move on to someone else. But what's truly the worst case scenario? They'll say something bad about you to a classmate? Anyone who interacts with either of you will figure out the situation quickly.

If you draw a boundary, they might pester you once or twice more, as a test. And just be strong and ignore.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:06 PM on December 15, 2022 [4 favorites]

If for whatever reason you don't want to tell him upfront that you're going to stop working with him, you could just start saying no, or ignoring him when he asks you something or for a favor. For some kinds of nudges this works better than direct conflict because it gives them less of an emotional response to feed off of.
posted by lunasol at 12:25 PM on December 15, 2022

"hey everyone/person I'm going to super focused for a bit - later" and if they press politely decline with the dreaded "personal reasons" or "adult stuff" or "just awfully stressful stuff, did you catch the football?". Granting myself permission to focus on my own needs remains a challenge, so it's just good to practice it. It's not a lie in the least that this person is the personal reason, or that they aren't adult stuff, and you can maintain the polite company by simply not mentioning that they are causing the stress. Short and to the point.
posted by zenon at 12:57 PM on December 15, 2022 [1 favorite]

I had a colleague years ago who was seemingly afraid of their own shadow and would ask me to vet everything they did, even the most mundane stuff. I finally put them off of that by answering every question with, "Well, what do you think you ought to do?"
posted by AJaffe at 1:11 PM on December 15, 2022

In response to annoying texts: ignore for a LONG time, you are not on call! And if/when you respond, be useless. “I don’t know” “Sounds hard, good luck!” “I haven’t gotten to that part, sorry.” “The professor would be able to tell you that.”

On the next project they assume is a group project: “oh, I’m going to do this one on my own, sorry!” “I’m going to finish out the program solo.”

In response to “can I see your essay?”: “Actually we aren’t supposed to share work like that,” “I’m not comfortable with that since I put so much work into it.”

This person is in the wrong—not only are they walking all over you and using you and being lazy, they are pretty much cheating. So I know it’s awkward, but don’t feel bad. I guarantee you you are not hurting their feelings.
posted by kapers at 2:08 PM on December 15, 2022 [5 favorites]

Deflect & Delay. You don't have to make a declaration that you're breaking up. can I see your essay? Wait at least half a day, then a short response saying NSo sorry, but No, I'm not comfortable sharing it.
Next request, make the declaration that you have gotten busier and are not able to respond to requests promptly.
who to email to ask queries Wait a day or more, then send the link to the syllabus.
I would encourage you to be a bit more forthright about group projects. Let's do X together. Sorry, I know you're super-busy, and I need a partner who is able to contribute more. Learning to call someone out honestly and fairly on their bullshit is a life skill that you need. You don't have to e confrontational or adversarial, even though this person is treating you badly, you just have to have boundaries and stick to them. You can act very friendly while you say No, Thank You.
posted by theora55 at 2:47 PM on December 15, 2022 [3 favorites]

Being direct here is one way of handling it and I’m not against it but it opens you up to him getting angry and you having to deal with his feelings etc. And that’s a drag.

I’d be a little bit sneaky and make HIM want to drop YOU! How? Well, you turn the tables on him. When he asks to read you essay, say, oh thank god you got in contact with me, I haven’t even started yet. So glad you’re happy to share, can you send your essay over?!
Watch him panic because not only can he not use you, he’s now expected to contribute.

Then follow up constantly with questions about how busy you are and does he have this and does he have that and you know he’ll be happy to help because you always helped him… trust me, all you will see is this guy’s dust and he’ll be blocking you in his phone once he realises he can’t use you so fast it’s not funny.

Nothing like a taste of their own medicine…

PS Just realised you didn’t specify gender, I’ve used ‘him’ as a catch all phrase so apologies.
posted by Jubey at 5:40 PM on December 15, 2022 [4 favorites]

You owe this guy nothing. Absolutely nothing. If you never responded to a single message or text from him ever again you would be perfectly within your rights.
posted by showbiz_liz at 5:54 PM on December 15, 2022 [2 favorites]

I don’t like how many times “sorry” is coming up in people’s boilerplate responses, along with justifications about how busy you are and how stressful your life is, etc. Stop it, all of it.

No is a complete sentence.

“No.”

If they insist on knowing why:

“I have work of my own.”
posted by argybarg at 9:52 PM on December 15, 2022 [8 favorites]

I would suggest being very direct and also letting you professor know about it, if they seem like a reasonable person. There could be legal reporting requirements, depending on where you are, so ask them about it in the abstract first to make sure you can do that without escalation. There might be options like changing sections or the prof just having a serious conversation with the person and telling them to knock it off. The latter is uncomfortable, but it could also be very useful for other people in the future. (It sounds like there's no possibility of physical danger. Sometimes being impolite is the best answer.)

Ghosting the guy is also entirely reasonable. Sympathy and best wishes.
posted by eotvos at 12:13 AM on December 16, 2022

You would be taking the moral high road by sending a text now letting him know that your plans have changed... e.g. "hey, I'm sorry but some things have come up on my end. Life is too hectic right now to be a good collaborator. I will be working individually on assignments moving forward."*

*Alternatively, you could choose not sugarcoat the situation in your notification. And say, "Hey, these group dynamics aren't working out for me. I've decided to work on my own from now on." However, someone who feels entitled to your time may not respond well to your honesty.

The less moral high road is to ghost him. I concur with others who agree that this approach is reasonable and justifiable. It just doesn't follow the golden rule.

That being said, just because ghosting him doesn't follow the golden rule, does not negate the fact that his initial actions are unreasonable. You don't owe him anything. He is not entitled to your time and efforts. The fact that he willingly choose to enroll in two degree programs at the same time is not your problem.

I think it will be helpful here that you are doing an online degree, so you won't have to interact with him extensively (if at all) in person. If he responds poorly, you will have evidence. And it will be harder for him to figure out that at some point you may choose to find other collaborators.
posted by oceano at 1:33 AM on December 16, 2022

The golden rule does not apply to people who are brazenly using you and abusing your goodwill and timidity for their own selfish purposes.
posted by showbiz_liz at 5:55 AM on December 16, 2022 [4 favorites]

I'm not completely sure what kind of vibes this person is giving you. It may not be time to read The Gift of Fear just yet, and they might not see it as that personal a relationship but I would err on the side of not giving out personal information or using personal excuses. I think any little tidbit may seem to them like an excuse to try and keep pushing. (You've got a lot going on? Oh, why don't you tell me about it?) Once someone has broken the social contract, as alluded to above, they will keep pushing. I think the answer should be no, no, no and then ignore. This is based on my own experience with college classmates who would quickly move on once they really took on board that they would not get to borrow my textbooks or my notes or what have you.
posted by BibiRose at 8:03 AM on December 16, 2022 [1 favorite]