I thought winning at therapy would feel better than this
December 5, 2022 9:54 PM Subscribe
At my session last week, the therapist I'd been working with (and working well with, or so I thought) for the past year told me I should seek a new therapist. We're having some sort of "close down" session on Thursday. What should I expect, do, or ask for that could make it worth doing? Bonus question: how do I keep myself safe with my next therapist while still having productive sessions?
Since starting with her last January, I've felt this therapist was a good fit l, and I've appreciated the internal family systems framework she's introduced me to. While I have acknowledged that lately I've felt the things we were practicing were mostly helping at a surface level, the fact that they're helping at all has been fairly novel to me, and I assumed we were going to try generalizing these practices so I could use them more consistently outside our sessions ... But instead she told me I need different help so she's discontinuing services. She informed me that I need DBT rather than the IFS she practices, has offered to help me look for a new therapist, and also offered a session this week, for closedown purposes, I guess. If you were in this situation, what would you want out of this last session? Here are my thoughts:
1. I don't entirely understand why she's jettisoning me so abruptly but I feel like this is information that my eventual new therapist should have. Is it worth drilling into this with her? Can I ask her to pass notes along to my next therapist?
2. Is it worth sharing how angry and betrayed and gross I'm feeling about all of this? I know it's not malicious and she's doing what she's decided is best - but in our sessions, this therapist made frequent reference to the therapeutic relationship having natural cycles of "rupture and repair," AND she often described this relationship as a "microcosm" of my relationships outside our sessions. Within that context, finding out that my taking a chance and sharing what was going on inside me really did result in her not wanting anything else to do with me (haha, you know, kind of my most primal fear and what I always assumed anybody would do if they really knew me) ... You all, I'm trying my best to keep it together but this is really doing a number on me. I've been struggling all week with fears of being every bit as toxic and insufferable as I've always suspected I must be. Part of me feels like I should speak to this when we get together, but I absolutely am not capable of hearing any mealy-mouthed denials from someone who has pretty much shattered my trust in them. But still, I feel wrongly treated and wonder if it would feel good to calmly speak up for myself ... Is there any reason to do so?
3. I cry in therapy more often than I'd like, but I no longer feel safe around this person and I do not want to be vulnerable around her again. All I want is to get whatever is worth getting out of this last session. How do I come to this session with a safely detached but not unkind persona?
Part of me thinks I should just cancel, but I did find her helpful for so long and I truly don't understand what happened. I suspect it will be easier to stop perseverating on this mess if I at least hear what she has to say. I have no qualms about slamming on the breaks if I feel the session is more about making her feel better about kicking me out than about helping me move forward ... But I do think I want to go.
Looking beyond this last session, I'm also having a hard time envisioning how therapy is supposed to work for me after this. I've had SO many therapists over the years, 2 of whom I left when they no longer helped me and others who changed due to fairly neutral life circumstances (moving, etc ) - but I've never had one who encouraged me to trust her and then ripped the rug out from under me. Beyond just the sheer soul numbing thought of having to drag out all my shitty traumas and gross issues for yet another stranger - which is bad enough as is, but at least I'm used to it - how do I let myself be vulnerable enough for therapy to be useful when I now have proof that I really can drive away paid mental health professionals if I'm honest about what I'm thinking and feeling?
(And honestly, I didn't think I was THAT fucked up, though I do struggle with the repercussions of growing up with an alcoholic, PTSD-suffering dad, and I've been dealing with ongoing issues that have come up now that I'm almost 100% out as non-binary. I would have thought that I was fairly run of the mill in therapist terms, though)
Finally ... Is it even worth going through this whole damned song and dance again? My therapist thinks I should be doing DBT; when I skim articles on what DBT is all about all I can muster is a big fat shrug. Has anybody reading this had good luck with it after years of other therapies falling flat?
I know this is rambling and thank you for reading whatever of it you did; my brain is kind of all over the place and I'm trying to pull on all the resources I can to figure out how to take care of myself. In the end, I just want to move forward after an experience that's hitting me harder than I would have expected. Thank you for any insight or experiences you can share.
Since starting with her last January, I've felt this therapist was a good fit l, and I've appreciated the internal family systems framework she's introduced me to. While I have acknowledged that lately I've felt the things we were practicing were mostly helping at a surface level, the fact that they're helping at all has been fairly novel to me, and I assumed we were going to try generalizing these practices so I could use them more consistently outside our sessions ... But instead she told me I need different help so she's discontinuing services. She informed me that I need DBT rather than the IFS she practices, has offered to help me look for a new therapist, and also offered a session this week, for closedown purposes, I guess. If you were in this situation, what would you want out of this last session? Here are my thoughts:
1. I don't entirely understand why she's jettisoning me so abruptly but I feel like this is information that my eventual new therapist should have. Is it worth drilling into this with her? Can I ask her to pass notes along to my next therapist?
2. Is it worth sharing how angry and betrayed and gross I'm feeling about all of this? I know it's not malicious and she's doing what she's decided is best - but in our sessions, this therapist made frequent reference to the therapeutic relationship having natural cycles of "rupture and repair," AND she often described this relationship as a "microcosm" of my relationships outside our sessions. Within that context, finding out that my taking a chance and sharing what was going on inside me really did result in her not wanting anything else to do with me (haha, you know, kind of my most primal fear and what I always assumed anybody would do if they really knew me) ... You all, I'm trying my best to keep it together but this is really doing a number on me. I've been struggling all week with fears of being every bit as toxic and insufferable as I've always suspected I must be. Part of me feels like I should speak to this when we get together, but I absolutely am not capable of hearing any mealy-mouthed denials from someone who has pretty much shattered my trust in them. But still, I feel wrongly treated and wonder if it would feel good to calmly speak up for myself ... Is there any reason to do so?
3. I cry in therapy more often than I'd like, but I no longer feel safe around this person and I do not want to be vulnerable around her again. All I want is to get whatever is worth getting out of this last session. How do I come to this session with a safely detached but not unkind persona?
Part of me thinks I should just cancel, but I did find her helpful for so long and I truly don't understand what happened. I suspect it will be easier to stop perseverating on this mess if I at least hear what she has to say. I have no qualms about slamming on the breaks if I feel the session is more about making her feel better about kicking me out than about helping me move forward ... But I do think I want to go.
Looking beyond this last session, I'm also having a hard time envisioning how therapy is supposed to work for me after this. I've had SO many therapists over the years, 2 of whom I left when they no longer helped me and others who changed due to fairly neutral life circumstances (moving, etc ) - but I've never had one who encouraged me to trust her and then ripped the rug out from under me. Beyond just the sheer soul numbing thought of having to drag out all my shitty traumas and gross issues for yet another stranger - which is bad enough as is, but at least I'm used to it - how do I let myself be vulnerable enough for therapy to be useful when I now have proof that I really can drive away paid mental health professionals if I'm honest about what I'm thinking and feeling?
(And honestly, I didn't think I was THAT fucked up, though I do struggle with the repercussions of growing up with an alcoholic, PTSD-suffering dad, and I've been dealing with ongoing issues that have come up now that I'm almost 100% out as non-binary. I would have thought that I was fairly run of the mill in therapist terms, though)
Finally ... Is it even worth going through this whole damned song and dance again? My therapist thinks I should be doing DBT; when I skim articles on what DBT is all about all I can muster is a big fat shrug. Has anybody reading this had good luck with it after years of other therapies falling flat?
I know this is rambling and thank you for reading whatever of it you did; my brain is kind of all over the place and I'm trying to pull on all the resources I can to figure out how to take care of myself. In the end, I just want to move forward after an experience that's hitting me harder than I would have expected. Thank you for any insight or experiences you can share.
It seems like you're taking this as a rejection, that you've "driven away" this person. This seems very likely to be a cognitive distortion to me. It looks like the only information you have is that this person is saying that they think you will get more benefit somewhere else. You're reading a whole lot more into it. It seems worth exploring that in a closing session, so you can understand what they recommend and why. If you feel you can, it seems that raising your feelings about it may be productive and something that the therapist should be prepared to handle.
posted by lookoutbelow at 10:19 PM on December 5, 2022 [8 favorites]
posted by lookoutbelow at 10:19 PM on December 5, 2022 [8 favorites]
Over a decade ago, I took DBT in a group therapy setting for about 2 years. To this day, I still use skills learned from that group. It's one of my favorite types of therapy. When reading your post, I can see where some of the DBT skills could help with different aspects of your post. If you choose to try DBT, I hope you find it helpful.
Consider that the reason she might no longer be able to see you might not be related to what you shared. Consider that she might not be able to share the reason.
For your last session, I can see the value in expressing how you're feeling, especially if doing so makes you feel like you're advocating for yourself. Be gentle to yourself if you find yourself crying.
It's tough losing a therapist you connect with for any reason, and this loss seems particularly challenging. I hope you can find the energy and motivation to continue trying.
posted by skunk pig at 10:32 PM on December 5, 2022 [6 favorites]
Consider that the reason she might no longer be able to see you might not be related to what you shared. Consider that she might not be able to share the reason.
For your last session, I can see the value in expressing how you're feeling, especially if doing so makes you feel like you're advocating for yourself. Be gentle to yourself if you find yourself crying.
It's tough losing a therapist you connect with for any reason, and this loss seems particularly challenging. I hope you can find the energy and motivation to continue trying.
posted by skunk pig at 10:32 PM on December 5, 2022 [6 favorites]
One thing you can do in this final session is to ask for a fuller explanation of WHY she is recommending DBT. What's the difference between IFS and DBT that makes her think DBT will be better for you? If that answer makes sense, then maybe it will feel like she really is trying to do what is best for you, like the litigator referring you to a tax lawyer.
At the same time, I think being able to speak up calmly for yourself can be a very powerful experience. Ideally, if she is a good therapist, she will hear you, respect your position and be able to share her own side of it in a way that will help you better understand what happened between you. But, even if she doesn't respond well, you might eel proud of yourself for speaking your truth.
Finally, I think when you are in therapy you get to be your real, messy self. If you are showing up and trying to get something out of it (which you must be, since you are actually getting something out of it) then you are doing your job as a client. Everything else is about the therapist (their skills and personality) and the way that fits with what you need. If it doesn't fit, it's not a fundamental flaw in you but something in the mutual chemistry, the way that your stuff is fitting with her, as a person and/or as a therapist that make her think you would be better with someone else.
posted by metahawk at 10:50 PM on December 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
At the same time, I think being able to speak up calmly for yourself can be a very powerful experience. Ideally, if she is a good therapist, she will hear you, respect your position and be able to share her own side of it in a way that will help you better understand what happened between you. But, even if she doesn't respond well, you might eel proud of yourself for speaking your truth.
Finally, I think when you are in therapy you get to be your real, messy self. If you are showing up and trying to get something out of it (which you must be, since you are actually getting something out of it) then you are doing your job as a client. Everything else is about the therapist (their skills and personality) and the way that fits with what you need. If it doesn't fit, it's not a fundamental flaw in you but something in the mutual chemistry, the way that your stuff is fitting with her, as a person and/or as a therapist that make her think you would be better with someone else.
posted by metahawk at 10:50 PM on December 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
I'm sorry DingoMutt, this sounds tough. I agree that you should share your thoughts/feelings with your therapist at the last session. Maybe even share a version of what you wrote here, or at the very least, let your therapist know that you are experiencing this as a form of betrayal/rejection and that it's making you worry about being able to open up and trust other therapists in the future. I believe it is possible that your therapist made this decision with your best interest at heart, but it sounds like you did not get the explanation/conversation you were owed (and, frankly, I don't love that your therapist made this decision for you, rather suddenly and out of the blue, it seems). You absolutely deserve to have a clarifying conversation so that you can better understand her reasoning and so that you can "close out" your time with her with an opportunity to celebrate the work you've put in and the progress you've made, and not with this crummy feeling you have now. All that being said, I will also put in a positive plug for DBT. There's a heavy focus on mindfulness, which I have found particularly helpful as someone who struggles a lot with over-thinking & over-analyzing. I hope the next chapter of your therapy journey is a positive one.
posted by sleepingwithcats at 11:29 PM on December 5, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by sleepingwithcats at 11:29 PM on December 5, 2022 [5 favorites]
So I have a background of having been emotionally abused by a narcissistic therapist, and having grown up with a narcissistic abusive father who was also a psychologist, so take that into account.
I know from experience that some therapists are in the profession because they feel insecure and small themselves and they enjoy working with vulnerable people because it is how they feel safe and in control. The so-called therapeutic relationship is a delusion that they themselves concoct, while actually enacting a textbook abuser/victim relationship with you. This can feel really powerful as the victim because of the intensity and familiarity of the feeling, and it can seem like it must be good because it's a therapist, and youre supposed to trust therapists, right?
I can't say for sure what's going on here, but your description has got my 'oh hell no' hackles up. I honestly don't think she has any business pushing her ideas of 'rupture and repair' at you and seriously, what are you supposed to do with that except feel bad? She's the one in power here, so if there is rupture and repair going on then it's because she's putting it there, not you. Argh. If the therapeutic relationship is a microcosm of other relationships in your life which are dysfunctional the she should bloody well fix it and have a functional relationship with you. Right now it is 100% her that is doing the rupturing, this is not coming from you -- was it ever?
I guess what I want to say is that it seems like you and her have conflicting narratives about what this relationship is and has been, and it could be really instructive to challenge her to reconcile these and see what she says. Does she accept that your narrative is valid, though different from hers, and can she explain why they are different, i.e. because of the different information and experience you both have? Or does she refuse to even consider the validity of your narrative, twist things around and talk about how bad you feel and imply that your personal issues really make things hard for you and blah blah blah, in other words does she steamroll you completely and gaslight you while doing it.
posted by PercussivePaul at 12:14 AM on December 6, 2022 [3 favorites]
I know from experience that some therapists are in the profession because they feel insecure and small themselves and they enjoy working with vulnerable people because it is how they feel safe and in control. The so-called therapeutic relationship is a delusion that they themselves concoct, while actually enacting a textbook abuser/victim relationship with you. This can feel really powerful as the victim because of the intensity and familiarity of the feeling, and it can seem like it must be good because it's a therapist, and youre supposed to trust therapists, right?
I can't say for sure what's going on here, but your description has got my 'oh hell no' hackles up. I honestly don't think she has any business pushing her ideas of 'rupture and repair' at you and seriously, what are you supposed to do with that except feel bad? She's the one in power here, so if there is rupture and repair going on then it's because she's putting it there, not you. Argh. If the therapeutic relationship is a microcosm of other relationships in your life which are dysfunctional the she should bloody well fix it and have a functional relationship with you. Right now it is 100% her that is doing the rupturing, this is not coming from you -- was it ever?
I guess what I want to say is that it seems like you and her have conflicting narratives about what this relationship is and has been, and it could be really instructive to challenge her to reconcile these and see what she says. Does she accept that your narrative is valid, though different from hers, and can she explain why they are different, i.e. because of the different information and experience you both have? Or does she refuse to even consider the validity of your narrative, twist things around and talk about how bad you feel and imply that your personal issues really make things hard for you and blah blah blah, in other words does she steamroll you completely and gaslight you while doing it.
posted by PercussivePaul at 12:14 AM on December 6, 2022 [3 favorites]
(((hugs))) I think she's doing this from a place of concern for your best interest.
I don't have a strong grasp of the differences in style of therapy, but if I understand right, IFS is possibly a little more focused toward talking through and understanding what brought you to the place in your life you are, while DBT is focused on teaching you and helping you practice skills that will enable you to move forward from that place.
Since you've had such a strong emotional reaction to the change in circumstances with your therapist - and you seem to have instinctively regressed to self-blame and loathing in reaction to your therapist's desire to guide you to someone who can help you more effectively - it's possible your therapist is correct in that a different approach would be most helpful at this particular moment in your life.
Please, please try to be open to it. Allow your therapist to help you find someone to move forward with who works with a different style of therapy - and try it out. I've seen DBT be pretty effective for friends and family members (and myself) who have reacted in a very similar way to somewhat similar circumstances.
Don't be angry that you let this therapist in. It wasn't a failure, because this time accomplished something. It allowed your therapist to get to know you and your circumstances well enough to be able to guide you toward a better path for YOU. Unfortunately, that isn't them - and honestly, a therapist that kept as THEIR patient, even if it wasn't in your best interest, would not be a good therapist.
If you were seeing a medical doctor regularly for a year for scrapes and bruises, and they realized that what you REALLY needed was glasses so you could see and not keep tripping over things... wouldn't you want the doctor to send you to the optometrist? I mean, they could just keep treating you - and making money off you - instead of pointing out the underlying issue... but that wouldn't be very ethical, now, would it?
posted by stormyteal at 12:53 AM on December 6, 2022 [9 favorites]
I don't have a strong grasp of the differences in style of therapy, but if I understand right, IFS is possibly a little more focused toward talking through and understanding what brought you to the place in your life you are, while DBT is focused on teaching you and helping you practice skills that will enable you to move forward from that place.
Since you've had such a strong emotional reaction to the change in circumstances with your therapist - and you seem to have instinctively regressed to self-blame and loathing in reaction to your therapist's desire to guide you to someone who can help you more effectively - it's possible your therapist is correct in that a different approach would be most helpful at this particular moment in your life.
Please, please try to be open to it. Allow your therapist to help you find someone to move forward with who works with a different style of therapy - and try it out. I've seen DBT be pretty effective for friends and family members (and myself) who have reacted in a very similar way to somewhat similar circumstances.
Don't be angry that you let this therapist in. It wasn't a failure, because this time accomplished something. It allowed your therapist to get to know you and your circumstances well enough to be able to guide you toward a better path for YOU. Unfortunately, that isn't them - and honestly, a therapist that kept as THEIR patient, even if it wasn't in your best interest, would not be a good therapist.
If you were seeing a medical doctor regularly for a year for scrapes and bruises, and they realized that what you REALLY needed was glasses so you could see and not keep tripping over things... wouldn't you want the doctor to send you to the optometrist? I mean, they could just keep treating you - and making money off you - instead of pointing out the underlying issue... but that wouldn't be very ethical, now, would it?
posted by stormyteal at 12:53 AM on December 6, 2022 [9 favorites]
I completely understand why this is upsetting. Others above have given you good advice pertaining to how to reframe/cope with that.
I'm here to say that DBT was miraculous for me. I too did DBT in a group setting two years ago - nearly three now that I think of it - and I still use the tools and skills I learned there to this day. After years of talk therapy with diminishing returns, DBT completely changed my life.
I am now back in talk therapy, but my therapist is trained in DBT and we touch upon how to use to DBT skills to deal with distress tolerance, etc, in the course of our sessions.
Again, I am so sorry that your current therapist has made you feel this way, but regardless of the outcome of your final session with her, please be open to DBT when you try it. I too thought it was sort of "meh" when I read about it but once I started working on learning the practice, it was truly transformative.
I wish you luck and I'm rooting for you. Hugs (if you want them). :)
posted by nayantara at 6:01 AM on December 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
I'm here to say that DBT was miraculous for me. I too did DBT in a group setting two years ago - nearly three now that I think of it - and I still use the tools and skills I learned there to this day. After years of talk therapy with diminishing returns, DBT completely changed my life.
I am now back in talk therapy, but my therapist is trained in DBT and we touch upon how to use to DBT skills to deal with distress tolerance, etc, in the course of our sessions.
Again, I am so sorry that your current therapist has made you feel this way, but regardless of the outcome of your final session with her, please be open to DBT when you try it. I too thought it was sort of "meh" when I read about it but once I started working on learning the practice, it was truly transformative.
I wish you luck and I'm rooting for you. Hugs (if you want them). :)
posted by nayantara at 6:01 AM on December 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
You are allowed to get angry at your therapist, to bring all those gross angry feelings to therapy, to share your sense of hurt and betrayal with your therapist, and to ask her why she's making this choice now. If my therapist did this to me, I would LOSE my SHIT.
And that's why my therapist is right for me. I trust her enough to share my feelings and know that she can handle them.
I am not a therapist, I have just been in a ton of therapy and read a lotttt about different therapy modalities and here is my guess about what's going on:
To heal trauma, you have to get close enough to another person to form a bond of trust. But trauma makes getting close to other people really painful and hard. DBT isn't a sexy therapy; it's not getting down into the muckiest aspect of your psyche and interpreting your dreams and re-evaluating your relationship with your mother. It's a practical technique for, essentially, turning down the volume on the pain of interpersonal relationships; to make your day-to-day less of a roller coaster - with the goal of being able to form the kind of bond with a therapist that will allow you to truly heal your trauma through a modality like IFS.
I know it's hard, but I think your therapist is giving you good advice from a place of professional responsibility and care. Which doesn't mean you can't be mad and upset and hurt and fearful! Of course you can. But if you trusted this therapist before, take a leap and trust her now - it's like a lily pad. You opened up enough to her that she is telling you where you need to go next.
It's a journey and you are heading in the right direction. I've been on it. It's hard and painful but it's worth it. Good luck.
posted by Merricat Blackwood at 6:44 AM on December 6, 2022 [3 favorites]
And that's why my therapist is right for me. I trust her enough to share my feelings and know that she can handle them.
I am not a therapist, I have just been in a ton of therapy and read a lotttt about different therapy modalities and here is my guess about what's going on:
To heal trauma, you have to get close enough to another person to form a bond of trust. But trauma makes getting close to other people really painful and hard. DBT isn't a sexy therapy; it's not getting down into the muckiest aspect of your psyche and interpreting your dreams and re-evaluating your relationship with your mother. It's a practical technique for, essentially, turning down the volume on the pain of interpersonal relationships; to make your day-to-day less of a roller coaster - with the goal of being able to form the kind of bond with a therapist that will allow you to truly heal your trauma through a modality like IFS.
I know it's hard, but I think your therapist is giving you good advice from a place of professional responsibility and care. Which doesn't mean you can't be mad and upset and hurt and fearful! Of course you can. But if you trusted this therapist before, take a leap and trust her now - it's like a lily pad. You opened up enough to her that she is telling you where you need to go next.
It's a journey and you are heading in the right direction. I've been on it. It's hard and painful but it's worth it. Good luck.
posted by Merricat Blackwood at 6:44 AM on December 6, 2022 [3 favorites]
The abruptness of this feels to me like there may be some confidential stuff happening behind the scenes that the therapist has judged will interfere with her ability to ethically provide services to you. Like she discovered you're dating her ex, or you're the child of another client's boss and that client is focusing on the boss in session, or your flavor of trauma has activated her flavor of trauma and she's realized she can't handle it appropriately in session. Or maybe she's shutting down her practice but doesn't want to make that public yet.
In any event, it doesn't sound like it's about you having been too much or done anything wrong. There's just weird shit that sometimes happens that therapists may have to respond to in seemingly weird ways because of confidentiality laws. It's not great for clients but there's sometimes no great way to proceed in general.
I'd use the session to get referrals or at the very least suggestions for what to look for. And yes, therapists can give notes/summaries to each other so you might want to ask about how to get a release of information form from her when you're established with the new therapist.
I'm sorry. This sounds very hard and entirely not your fault.
posted by lapis at 7:01 AM on December 6, 2022 [10 favorites]
In any event, it doesn't sound like it's about you having been too much or done anything wrong. There's just weird shit that sometimes happens that therapists may have to respond to in seemingly weird ways because of confidentiality laws. It's not great for clients but there's sometimes no great way to proceed in general.
I'd use the session to get referrals or at the very least suggestions for what to look for. And yes, therapists can give notes/summaries to each other so you might want to ask about how to get a release of information form from her when you're established with the new therapist.
I'm sorry. This sounds very hard and entirely not your fault.
posted by lapis at 7:01 AM on December 6, 2022 [10 favorites]
Oh, I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this, DingoMutt! You are clearly such a cool and thoughtful person based on your posts. While we all are different in different contexts, I’m like “huh, this seems off!” to your therapist’s abrupt ending. I agree that there may indeed be a better therapy match for you out there but I’m disturbed by how sudden this was and how she seems to think she knows best — but then also won’t be there for you. I think she’s projecting her own shit on you but can’t take ownership. I’ve had that before and it sucked but ultimately I found a great therapist so it all worked out. There are some amazing therapists out there and some crappy ones too. She may be amazing for some but I don’t like what she did here. Clearly she is unable to help people properly process trauma and that’s her shortcoming, not yours. I mean, it’s not her shortcoming for struggling but it’s her shortcoming for making you feel like you are the problem. It’s like she’s the parent who seems nice sometimes but suddenly changed the script when you weren’t reacting in a way she liked. You deserve better!! Again, it’s fine for her to end the therapy relationship for any reason but I just don’t like how she did it.
The bad news is that this is traumatic. I wouldn’t feel safe either, and I would skip that final session. I did when I went through this over a decade ago. I hope you have some in-person friends to lean on right now and that eventually you can find a good therapist who’s a great match. DBT can be amazing but it’s not the only modality that could help!! It was very vindicating when my good therapist let me know that the previous one had been unprofessional and weird. My gut was correct. I am projecting a lot onto your situation but I’m saying what I needed to hear and what I believe may also be true for you. I’m sorry and good luck!
posted by smorgasbord at 7:07 AM on December 6, 2022
The bad news is that this is traumatic. I wouldn’t feel safe either, and I would skip that final session. I did when I went through this over a decade ago. I hope you have some in-person friends to lean on right now and that eventually you can find a good therapist who’s a great match. DBT can be amazing but it’s not the only modality that could help!! It was very vindicating when my good therapist let me know that the previous one had been unprofessional and weird. My gut was correct. I am projecting a lot onto your situation but I’m saying what I needed to hear and what I believe may also be true for you. I’m sorry and good luck!
posted by smorgasbord at 7:07 AM on December 6, 2022
Also, I recommend dipping into the Psychology in Seattle podcast archive that explores therapist behavior. Dr. Kirk Honda is a family therapist, professor of counseling, and pop culture YouTuber. He is kind and caring; his deep dives into the good and bad, including my reflecting on his own personal and professional growth, may offer you some extra reassurance at this confusing time.
posted by smorgasbord at 7:12 AM on December 6, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by smorgasbord at 7:12 AM on December 6, 2022 [2 favorites]
Can I ask her to pass notes along to my next therapist?
you can (you can also ask her to give them to you) but I would give serious thought to not doing that right away. I think it would be better to let a new therapist form their own unbiased opinion of you first, and wait until you feel certain that they are trustworthy and that you will want to work with them for a while. if for any reason there was difficulty with a new therapist, I think it would be worse if you had to worry and wonder about whether they were misunderstanding you based on the other therapist's ideas.
posted by queenofbithynia at 8:27 AM on December 6, 2022 [2 favorites]
you can (you can also ask her to give them to you) but I would give serious thought to not doing that right away. I think it would be better to let a new therapist form their own unbiased opinion of you first, and wait until you feel certain that they are trustworthy and that you will want to work with them for a while. if for any reason there was difficulty with a new therapist, I think it would be worse if you had to worry and wonder about whether they were misunderstanding you based on the other therapist's ideas.
posted by queenofbithynia at 8:27 AM on December 6, 2022 [2 favorites]
OMG this sounds incredibly rough.
I would definitely go to the final session. Time is limited so sharing that you're shocked and hurt is totally valid and do it if you would find that helpful. But I would also want some information from her. I would say something like,
"I am totally shocked by this. Can you give me specifics about why you're not comfortable working together any more and why you are recommending DBT in particular?"
Consider taking some notes as she explains, personally I would find this all incredibly hard to process and absorb.
Possibly there are personal reasons for this on her part, possibly she's being irresponsible, possibly she is wrong, but there's also a likelihood that there is some important information in there for you to know so worth asking and listening imho and sorting out what's what of of that later.
No need to make a decision now on your long term therapy plans.. it's OK to just let this sink in for a while. But maybe specifically set up other types of support for yourself over the next few weeks: dates with trusted friends, a massage or a trip to a hot tub, a couple days off work...
posted by latkes at 8:33 AM on December 6, 2022 [4 favorites]
I would definitely go to the final session. Time is limited so sharing that you're shocked and hurt is totally valid and do it if you would find that helpful. But I would also want some information from her. I would say something like,
"I am totally shocked by this. Can you give me specifics about why you're not comfortable working together any more and why you are recommending DBT in particular?"
Consider taking some notes as she explains, personally I would find this all incredibly hard to process and absorb.
Possibly there are personal reasons for this on her part, possibly she's being irresponsible, possibly she is wrong, but there's also a likelihood that there is some important information in there for you to know so worth asking and listening imho and sorting out what's what of of that later.
No need to make a decision now on your long term therapy plans.. it's OK to just let this sink in for a while. But maybe specifically set up other types of support for yourself over the next few weeks: dates with trusted friends, a massage or a trip to a hot tub, a couple days off work...
posted by latkes at 8:33 AM on December 6, 2022 [4 favorites]
As a therapist myself I have to say it is not cool or best practice for a therapist to give you a week's notice that you are being terminated and not give you a clear reason why (it happens a lot for various reasons, and sometimes is unavoidable, but that doesn't seem to be the case here). No, that doesn't sound ethical, and you're not having "cognitive distortions" because you're upset. It's upsetting and jarring!
It may be beneficial to share your disappointment with your therapist and your lack of clarity about why you are being terminated. That's certainly within your right as a client! It's possible they have a reason that they explained poorly. It's possible they have a reason that there's such little notice. But they should be making sure you are clear.
posted by bearette at 1:20 PM on December 6, 2022 [11 favorites]
It may be beneficial to share your disappointment with your therapist and your lack of clarity about why you are being terminated. That's certainly within your right as a client! It's possible they have a reason that they explained poorly. It's possible they have a reason that there's such little notice. But they should be making sure you are clear.
posted by bearette at 1:20 PM on December 6, 2022 [11 favorites]
I would also just like to second all the commenters validating your feelings of being upset. I've only been seeing my therapist for 3-4 months and she gives me multiple weeks of warning when she's going to miss a week because of a vacation. I can't imagine being given a week's warning that we're terminating forever, especially after working together for a year. It would trigger all the same feelings of hurt and betrayal in me that it did in you. I think your feelings are all understandable and expected and I hope your therapist can give you some sort of explanation that can at least provide context or understanding. I'm sorry you're going through this.
posted by Nickel at 7:00 AM on December 7, 2022
posted by Nickel at 7:00 AM on December 7, 2022
Surprised to see so many folks above who don't seem to think the therapist screwed up here. A week's notice to end a year-long relationship, presented as a fait accompli with no discussion?
That's really yucky, even if a new form of therapy is indicated.
posted by mediareport at 6:18 AM on December 8, 2022 [1 favorite]
That's really yucky, even if a new form of therapy is indicated.
posted by mediareport at 6:18 AM on December 8, 2022 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Hi everyone, I just wanted to jump back in and express my gratitude to you all. Thank you for your kindness and insight into an experience I was really struggling to handle. I'd half-convinced myself that I was just being overdramatic and wallowing, or else just so poor at dealing with emotions that I really was broken forever.
So here's my update: after reading your responses and talking about it more with my wife, I decided to go to the session today after all. I was pretty frank about how I was feeling and what I would and would not accept, and I expressed a version of what I'd written above, focusing in particular on that rupture/repair and 'microcosm of outside relationships' framing in light of the abrupt dismissal. And she listened, and she apologized in a way that felt authentic - she acknowledged that she had done me harm, without retreating into any "I'm sorry you feel that way" or self-justification bullshit. She then sought permission to share some of her reasoning and observations about how our sessions had been going (I said okay, and that I reserved the right to shut it down if I wasn't buying it), and that actually did help me understand better why she felt we'd gotten to a point where continuing could do more harm than good. At one point she said she actually did want to have a few more closedown sessions but hadn't expressed that very well before. Prior to this session I would have said hell no, take a damn hike; when she brought it up mid-session I said I'd consider it; by the end of the session I was willing to do at least one more. I'm also far more open to the idea of DBT, and will be pursuing a few possible referrals she made on that front.
I'm condensing significantly here - I had a lot of questions and pushed back on the things that didn't sit right with me - but ultimately I'm glad that I gave myself the chance to go to this session, speak my feelings, and get a better understanding of just what the hell happened. As someone who has had way too many abrupt endings and rugs pulled out from under me, it felt good to open up a way to a more complete and organic kind of ending. And it was support from you all, along with my wife and others in my circle, that gave me the wherewithal to show up - not just for the session, but for myself in that session. So, thank you all again - if you're ever wondering whether or not the words you're throwing out into the internet ever really make a difference, I can assure you that they have for me.
posted by DingoMutt at 8:31 PM on December 8, 2022 [13 favorites]
So here's my update: after reading your responses and talking about it more with my wife, I decided to go to the session today after all. I was pretty frank about how I was feeling and what I would and would not accept, and I expressed a version of what I'd written above, focusing in particular on that rupture/repair and 'microcosm of outside relationships' framing in light of the abrupt dismissal. And she listened, and she apologized in a way that felt authentic - she acknowledged that she had done me harm, without retreating into any "I'm sorry you feel that way" or self-justification bullshit. She then sought permission to share some of her reasoning and observations about how our sessions had been going (I said okay, and that I reserved the right to shut it down if I wasn't buying it), and that actually did help me understand better why she felt we'd gotten to a point where continuing could do more harm than good. At one point she said she actually did want to have a few more closedown sessions but hadn't expressed that very well before. Prior to this session I would have said hell no, take a damn hike; when she brought it up mid-session I said I'd consider it; by the end of the session I was willing to do at least one more. I'm also far more open to the idea of DBT, and will be pursuing a few possible referrals she made on that front.
I'm condensing significantly here - I had a lot of questions and pushed back on the things that didn't sit right with me - but ultimately I'm glad that I gave myself the chance to go to this session, speak my feelings, and get a better understanding of just what the hell happened. As someone who has had way too many abrupt endings and rugs pulled out from under me, it felt good to open up a way to a more complete and organic kind of ending. And it was support from you all, along with my wife and others in my circle, that gave me the wherewithal to show up - not just for the session, but for myself in that session. So, thank you all again - if you're ever wondering whether or not the words you're throwing out into the internet ever really make a difference, I can assure you that they have for me.
posted by DingoMutt at 8:31 PM on December 8, 2022 [13 favorites]
That's so fantastic, DingoMutt. I'm so glad you did what you did.
posted by lapis at 8:49 PM on December 8, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by lapis at 8:49 PM on December 8, 2022 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by praemunire at 10:00 PM on December 5, 2022 [18 favorites]