Long term effects of child abuse incident (CSA trigger warning)

November 11, 2022 10:21 PM

When I (male) was 5 or 6, my older teen cousin, also male, was babysitting me and my sister (who was 3 or 4). [continues...]

He took us each into the bathroom, separately, and showed his penis to us and asked if we knew what it was. No touching. No penetration etc. But he said to not tell my parents. I don't remember any 'threat' along with that though. And I don't remember being scared, feeling threatened or anything.... I just thought it was strange/bizarre/ 'older people stuff'

I've always dismissed the incident because 'nothing really happened' and I 'feel' like I wasn't traumatized. (my parents found out through my sister and had a 'sit down' with the cousin. But no police/charges etc.)

But now, I'm wondering what kind of psychological effects something like that would have on someone. I've always been prone to depression (sometimes severe) and struggled with alcohol as an adult. (I'm now 52 and been sober for 8 years) but I'm wondering if there could be some kind of connection.

I'm meeting w/ my therapist (alcohol) next week - but just wanted some kind of input/resources (?) before broaching the subject etc. thank you

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (8 answers total)

While there are legal rules for SA , there is no mental rule for what is an assault. an experience that you remember and makes you feel weird after 40+ years seems like maybe worthwhile discussing with your therapist, regardless of their focus, as they can refer you if needed. I am sorry you are feeling this way and I hope this makes you feel better.
posted by holyrood at 11:02 PM on November 11, 2022 [1 favorite]

I'm not really going to be able to give you a definitive answer, because there is no definitive answer. It wouldn't be strange or unusual if it had impacted you over the years. There are no rules for this. There is no 'bad enough' before you are allowed to be affected. You were a child. What happened shouldn't have happened.

If you trust your therapist then speak to them about it. Maybe working through it will help.
posted by Laura_J at 4:28 AM on November 12, 2022 [4 favorites]

I think sometimes the emotional state of the participants in an incident, especially if you are too young to understand context, can have a huge impact even if “nothing happened”. If the cousin’s tone was overly sexualized, coupled with the edict that it was so bad that you can’t tell your parents, you can feel like something ‘dirty’ was done TO you, which can definitely lead to shame. Ditto your parents response, depending on their tone as well. It’s the same for people (frequently women) who are approached by overly lecherous people: it makes you feel like you want to take a very long shower, even if ‘nothing happened.’ You have been seen as a Thing to be used, and not a person, and that can leave a mark.

I have a male friend who had a similar experience, and he struggled with it for years — for him, he was left with the shame-thoughts of, “what about me made me look like I was an easy target?”

It is definitely worth exploring. Shame has a powerful influence on behavior, and being “used” for someone else’s sexual gratification (and yes, being forced to be the ‘see-er’ of someone else exposing themselves without your consent) is being used for someone else’s sexual gratification. Even other people walking around feeling like something bad was done “to” you, even if for you it was a neutral event, can leave an icky residue.

And congratulations on your sobriety. :)
posted by Silvery Fish at 4:34 AM on November 12, 2022 [6 favorites]

There's no rule that says being subjected to that kind of experience, especially an isolated one, has to have negative mental effects. It can, but it's okay and equally nomal for it to have no discernible effect.

There's no way to tell before digging in deeper with your therapist.
posted by Omnomnom at 6:24 AM on November 12, 2022 [1 favorite]

To clarify and to keep from derailing: The person who exposed himself was the teenage babysitter.

To answer: It could have a huge effect, it could have no effect, it could have any effect in between those. Trauma is generally defined as a situation that overwhelms someone's ability to cope, but one's ability to cope is so dependent on both internal and external factors that there's no objective way of saying "This is true for all people."

I think it's great to talk to your therapist about it.
posted by lapis at 8:18 AM on November 12, 2022

IAAT/IANYT I think this is worth talking to your therapist about. It’s entirely possible to experience something unsafe, even traumatic as a small child and not have noticeable lasting effects. However, it’s also possible there’s some useful nugget you’ll find as you explore this incident in therapy—whether that’s a way this has impacted you, or a richer understanding of the question you’re asking (“Why am I the way I am?”) and what types of answers you’re hoping to find.
posted by theotherdurassister at 12:13 PM on November 12, 2022

One thing I heard that made sense to me was that trauma is not about what happened, it is about how we make sense of it. So two children might have a similar experience to yours and one child might just think that it was an odd thing that their cousin did while another child feel guilt and shame for looking a penis reinforced by the thought that they need to keep it secret because bad thing would happen if they told. So, it is entirely possible that it really didn't have much impact on you. Or there could be subtle impacts that you didn't realize until you were able to ask new questions.

I also think that people can have life-long struggles with depression and alcohol while having had perfectly normal childhoods - there doesn't have to be a specific clear trauma. It might be there was a mismatch between you and your parents that made their "normal" parenting style a bad fit for your "normal" needs. Or that might be (and often is) a genetic predisposition to depression and addiction that stacked the deck against you and letting you struggling even though externally everything seemed "normal".

I have no idea which, if any of these thoughts, might fit your actual experience. Your lived experience trumps a stranger's theories about you every day. So, keep asking the questions but open to the many different kinds of answers that are out there.
posted by metahawk at 1:53 PM on November 12, 2022 [2 favorites]

What happened to you absolutely was abuse and what you experienced -- and are likely still experiencing now as mild PTSD -- is trauma, which absolutely could have had a negative effect on your life in some way. It's possible that your therapist has been expecting a disclosure like this; at the very least, I doubt they'll be surprised and I hope they react with care and concern.

EMDR could be a very helpful treatment option: a few sessions could be lifechanging! Even if your therapist doesn't offer it, they surely can recommend someone who does if you two think it might be a good fit. I'm sending you lots of love and support. Congratulations on being sober for eight years and getting support for the depression. You deserve to be happy and healthy, and I wish you luck on your journey!
posted by smorgasbord at 7:27 PM on November 12, 2022 [2 favorites]