Outward grief expression

October 19, 2022 1:14 PM

I want to convey, intelligibly, in an instant, with my appearance, that I am in profound grief, in a way that does not culturally appropriate or offend in other ways. All ideas welcome. Society parses me as female, fat, and ugly. This is an emergency that is interfering with my daily life, so quick solutions encouraged.
posted by The Last Sockpuppet to Clothing, Beauty, & Fashion (17 answers total)

I think if I saw someone with a black hat and a black veil, I might not be 100% certain they were in mourning, but I would definitely refrain from asking too many questions or attempting to cheer them up.
posted by restless_nomad at 1:19 PM on October 19, 2022 [12 favorites]

A black armband. I don't know that there's a way to demonstrate the "profound" part, but black armbands have been a way to outwardly demonstrate mourning for a very long time, and grief is certainly a symptom of being in mourning.

Not that I go around trying to be shitty to people on purpose, but I would definitely give extra space and consideration to a person with a black armband clearly on display.
posted by phunniemee at 1:19 PM on October 19, 2022 [29 favorites]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way.

My hunch is that simply dressing in all black might be a place to start - it's considered a sign of mourning (at least it usually is), and even if your grief isn't because of a death, it may be enough of a sign to get people to tread a bit more carefully, at least.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:19 PM on October 19, 2022 [3 favorites]

I still very very occasionally encounter people who are wearing a black armband, which used to be more common as a symbol of mourning in the West. But it partly depends upon what your desired outcome is, because anything visible will likely prompt questions. Good if you would like people to mark and acknowledge your grief with you, but not as effective if you are hoping to have people give you more space.
posted by notquitemaryann at 1:20 PM on October 19, 2022

A black ribbon is also a general symbol of mourning or grief.

posted by sleepingwithcats at 1:30 PM on October 19, 2022 [10 favorites]

Not sure it's what you're looking for, but when I was in extreme grief four years ago, I shaved my head. It felt utterly necessary, and the process of doing it, living with it, and then slowly regrowing my hair was immeasurably worthwhile.

I also got a tattoo -- my first, at age 50+.

In both cases, when people asked me about it I explicitly said, "It's because I'm grieving."
posted by BlahLaLa at 1:37 PM on October 19, 2022 [16 favorites]

Yes, I would say a black ribbon, an armband, or an "I'm grieving" button like one of these, this, or even personalized with a photo like this if you're moved to share that information.

I'm sorry for your loss.
posted by cocoagirl at 1:39 PM on October 19, 2022 [4 favorites]

I am but one datapoint, but I wouldn't recognize a black armband as linked to grieving - unless I looked closely (which I likely wouldn't) I might assume it was a phone holder or something medical. I would assume a black veil meant you were on your way to or from a funeral. But a button that says "I'm grieving" is likely simpler. Sorry for your loss.
posted by coffeecat at 2:08 PM on October 19, 2022 [5 favorites]

I feel a black wreath on your door would be more recognized than a black armband these days. A black ribbon that sleepingwithcats linked to is more current but a button, edged in black with the person's name or "in memory of my [relation]" with [birth year]-2022 will convey immediacy.
posted by TWinbrook8 at 3:27 PM on October 19, 2022 [1 favorite]

Big sunglasses? That seems to be a common weapon against paparazzi.
posted by danceswithlight at 4:48 PM on October 19, 2022

Assuming you are of European descent a black veil is traditional.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 4:55 PM on October 19, 2022

A button or tee shirt with the person's face, name, and dates of birth and death on it. If I see tattoos, a shaved head, or black clothing I'm just going to think you're a goth and interact with you. And if you're wearing a button that says "I'm grieving" expect someone to ask what you're grieving for.

If you are grieving for something, instead of someone, you may have to wear a mourning veil to cut off interaction.
posted by kingdead at 5:19 PM on October 19, 2022 [1 favorite]

A black veil says on my way to the Bauhaus reunion.

Unfortunately, there aren’t good ways to communicate a mourning period in contemporary society. I've seen In Memoriam buttons or clothing, but that can invite questions you may not feel like discussing. I’m sorry for your loss and hope you can find the right solution.
posted by betweenthebars at 5:22 PM on October 19, 2022 [7 favorites]

Note to everyone that the OP hasn't necessarily said that they are in grief because of a death; I only suggested to adopt one of those symbols AS IF this were the case, since people are more likely to respect that without question.

OP, if you really ARE grieving because of a death, I am sorry for your loss; if you are grieving for something else, I'm still sorry you're feeling this way.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:43 PM on October 19, 2022 [4 favorites]

I’m sorry that I don’t have any good ideas, but I wanted to point out that Halloween is coming up soon (if you are in a place where it is celebrated). Be mindful that whatever you choose isn’t interpreted as connected to the holiday.
posted by Comet Bug at 7:47 PM on October 19, 2022 [2 favorites]

Society parses me as female, fat, and ugly.

First of all, please try to be nicer to yourself. You have never been and never will be what Society thinks you are.

You don’t mention a location but in the US I would agree with dark sunglasses for letting people know you’re sad and don’t necessarily want to talk about it.

Putting up the message that you don’t want to talk about it leads people to not talk to you and I 100% get wanting that for so many reasons. Been there, done that. But later you may get super sad and pissed off that none of your friends supported you when you were sad. I’m 52 now and I’d rather throw a bunch of thoughts into my universe - even at people I might offend - and connect with the people who respond.

If you offend someone, the only way you know that for sure is if they tell you. Full stop. Don’t spend a second worrying that you offended a stranger if they don’t say it directly.

MeMail if you’d like. ❤️
posted by bendy at 12:34 AM on October 20, 2022 [4 favorites]

In some traditions, one cuts one's garment. Take a nice black blouse/ top, cut it with scissors, about 1 inch, at the neckline. Wear all black. A black ribbon with a pendant of some sort - their birthstone, a locket, an engraved heart or other meaningful symbol, or put this on a pin you can wear. Tinted glasses, if you'll be indoors and need to see.

I'm sorry for your loss.
posted by theora55 at 7:12 AM on October 20, 2022