What's the best way to handle finances in my new marriage?
October 17, 2022 2:11 AM Subscribe
My husband and I just got married. We are in our 40s and live in the US. He has three kids from a previous marriage. One kid just started college and the other two will be starting pretty soon. I have no kids and this is my first marriage. We are not planning to have kids of our own. How can we handle our finances to minimize the resentment I feel regarding the college tuition costs?
Three kids in college at the same time is $$$$ and I am already feeling pretty resentful at having to help pay for these kids' tuition, especially since I have a bit of lingering doubt about whether I ever wanted my own kids. I have mostly made peace with that feeling, but having to pay for three kids who aren't my own to attend college really leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.
After they were divorced but before any of the kids had applied to college, my husband and his ex agreed upon an amount they would spend per kid for college and they agreed that they would split the costs 50/50. The oldest kid applied to, got into, and started attending a school that costs more than the amount they agreed upon. (I don't really understand how this happened after their agreement.) My husband has said he will talk to his ex about future expenses (either the younger two kids go to cheaper schools or his ex foots more than half the bill) but this conversation has not happened yet (messages aren't returned, etc).
Meanwhile, my husband does not seem to fully grasp my resentment/frustration over this issue. He has said that he alone is paying the tuition, not me. But my feeling is that if he is contributing less to our life together (housing, utilities, food, entertainment, etc) because he has less to spend after tuition is paid, then effectively I am paying for these kids' tuition too.
I realize as I'm writing this that yes, therapy would be helpful here. My question is about finance splitting, though. I don't want to have to think about my husband's payment arrangements with his ex and I would like to minimize my resentment over this issue. In addition to therapy, what is the best arrangement for our finances?
My suggestion to him was that we maintain individual bank accounts as well as a joint account and agree on an amount that each of us will contribute to the joint account each month, then use the joint account to pay our joint bills. I realize that the amount he can contribute monthly may be lower than it would be otherwise because of college expenses, so the core issue will still remain. But I feel like at least having a monthly amount we each stick to will minimize my visibility into how much he is paying for college. If the kids go to pricey schools, he will have less to spend on other things for himself or less to put into savings, etc, but it won't be quite so "in my face" if that makes sense.
Does this seem reasonable? Any other ideas I may not have thought of? Thank you!
Three kids in college at the same time is $$$$ and I am already feeling pretty resentful at having to help pay for these kids' tuition, especially since I have a bit of lingering doubt about whether I ever wanted my own kids. I have mostly made peace with that feeling, but having to pay for three kids who aren't my own to attend college really leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.
After they were divorced but before any of the kids had applied to college, my husband and his ex agreed upon an amount they would spend per kid for college and they agreed that they would split the costs 50/50. The oldest kid applied to, got into, and started attending a school that costs more than the amount they agreed upon. (I don't really understand how this happened after their agreement.) My husband has said he will talk to his ex about future expenses (either the younger two kids go to cheaper schools or his ex foots more than half the bill) but this conversation has not happened yet (messages aren't returned, etc).
Meanwhile, my husband does not seem to fully grasp my resentment/frustration over this issue. He has said that he alone is paying the tuition, not me. But my feeling is that if he is contributing less to our life together (housing, utilities, food, entertainment, etc) because he has less to spend after tuition is paid, then effectively I am paying for these kids' tuition too.
I realize as I'm writing this that yes, therapy would be helpful here. My question is about finance splitting, though. I don't want to have to think about my husband's payment arrangements with his ex and I would like to minimize my resentment over this issue. In addition to therapy, what is the best arrangement for our finances?
My suggestion to him was that we maintain individual bank accounts as well as a joint account and agree on an amount that each of us will contribute to the joint account each month, then use the joint account to pay our joint bills. I realize that the amount he can contribute monthly may be lower than it would be otherwise because of college expenses, so the core issue will still remain. But I feel like at least having a monthly amount we each stick to will minimize my visibility into how much he is paying for college. If the kids go to pricey schools, he will have less to spend on other things for himself or less to put into savings, etc, but it won't be quite so "in my face" if that makes sense.
Does this seem reasonable? Any other ideas I may not have thought of? Thank you!
One way you could approach this is that you could both live within his means. So for housing, you pay 50/50, but look for a place that is within his budget that still allows him to meet the tuition and other expenses.
The solution to this isn’t that he pays less than you and you cover more expenses because he can’t afford it, that just means the burden is placed on you to cover him. You both just live more frugally and you personally will probably have more savings as a result (assuming you have seperate accounts and you save from living somewhere cheaper.) You may choose to later use that for something for both of you, but that’s your decision, you shouldn’t be forced to use your money to cover his financial or family expenses in the meantime.
If he then gets upset that you want to downgrade your lifestyle instead of covering him, it’s probably time to seek counselling but at least have a nice calm conversation first. You’re not unreasonable to want to find a solution to this and you don’t want your marriage to get off to a bad start.
posted by Jubey at 2:50 AM on October 17, 2022 [16 favorites]
The solution to this isn’t that he pays less than you and you cover more expenses because he can’t afford it, that just means the burden is placed on you to cover him. You both just live more frugally and you personally will probably have more savings as a result (assuming you have seperate accounts and you save from living somewhere cheaper.) You may choose to later use that for something for both of you, but that’s your decision, you shouldn’t be forced to use your money to cover his financial or family expenses in the meantime.
If he then gets upset that you want to downgrade your lifestyle instead of covering him, it’s probably time to seek counselling but at least have a nice calm conversation first. You’re not unreasonable to want to find a solution to this and you don’t want your marriage to get off to a bad start.
posted by Jubey at 2:50 AM on October 17, 2022 [16 favorites]
The joint account alongside individual accounts is how we work things. My impression is that that's the most common arrangement for married people.
I know couples that just have individual accounts and arrange things like "I pay for A,B,C and you pay for X,Y,Z".
I don't know personally know any couple that just have one joint account and no personal accounts. For mature people who are used to independence that sounds like a recipe for disaster.
posted by TheophileEscargot at 2:53 AM on October 17, 2022 [8 favorites]
I know couples that just have individual accounts and arrange things like "I pay for A,B,C and you pay for X,Y,Z".
I don't know personally know any couple that just have one joint account and no personal accounts. For mature people who are used to independence that sounds like a recipe for disaster.
posted by TheophileEscargot at 2:53 AM on October 17, 2022 [8 favorites]
I think the joint account you each contribute to is the best solution here. I agree that living within his means is also a really good way to go.
I think you will need to give up some of the score keeping here. If your calculation is “he makes X and the kids take too much of it and it should all be ours,” well that is a bitter pill. If you can make your calculation “his after-kid income is his income which makes our joint assets Y,” then it’s just like you fell in love with someone who makes less money, or who ran into other issues, is all. So yes, I endorse your solution.
Because my husband and I married young and neither of us had any assets, we’ve always had joint accounts. But we’ve each had times in our marriage that our choices have meant less mutual money. The key to those times for us has always been to embrace it - enjoy the rice and beans, picnic at the beach lifestyle instead of wishing we were still spending Friday night downtown in great restaurants. Calculating the lack of restaurants against one person’s ledger definitely would foster resentment.
posted by warriorqueen at 3:48 AM on October 17, 2022 [26 favorites]
I think you will need to give up some of the score keeping here. If your calculation is “he makes X and the kids take too much of it and it should all be ours,” well that is a bitter pill. If you can make your calculation “his after-kid income is his income which makes our joint assets Y,” then it’s just like you fell in love with someone who makes less money, or who ran into other issues, is all. So yes, I endorse your solution.
Because my husband and I married young and neither of us had any assets, we’ve always had joint accounts. But we’ve each had times in our marriage that our choices have meant less mutual money. The key to those times for us has always been to embrace it - enjoy the rice and beans, picnic at the beach lifestyle instead of wishing we were still spending Friday night downtown in great restaurants. Calculating the lack of restaurants against one person’s ledger definitely would foster resentment.
posted by warriorqueen at 3:48 AM on October 17, 2022 [26 favorites]
Slight tangent to the question at hand but there are wider themes around supporting family (children, siblings, parents...) that go beyond college tuition. If you've not talked about that kind of stuff perhaps start.
What if one of them drops out of college and wants to move in with you to reduce costs while they figure out their next move? What if one of them finds themselves a single parent needing financial support? Or one of them gets laid off or sick or...
Once they are all adults, it becomes irrelevant what the ex does/doesn't do. He has to figure out what he is willing/able to do and you have to figure out if you're ok with the implications for your joint life. With three, one or more will be in need of support at some point and even if they don't need support he may feel he wants to help them out financially if he's able to. And unless you have numerous other people who you may want to support this will always be 'one sided' to a degree. So yes, therapy.
posted by koahiatamadl at 3:48 AM on October 17, 2022 [20 favorites]
What if one of them drops out of college and wants to move in with you to reduce costs while they figure out their next move? What if one of them finds themselves a single parent needing financial support? Or one of them gets laid off or sick or...
Once they are all adults, it becomes irrelevant what the ex does/doesn't do. He has to figure out what he is willing/able to do and you have to figure out if you're ok with the implications for your joint life. With three, one or more will be in need of support at some point and even if they don't need support he may feel he wants to help them out financially if he's able to. And unless you have numerous other people who you may want to support this will always be 'one sided' to a degree. So yes, therapy.
posted by koahiatamadl at 3:48 AM on October 17, 2022 [20 favorites]
I'd guess what happened with the eldest is that he got into a 'better' school than expected; but without financial aid. And they didn't want to tell him he couldn't go, or would have to borrow the costs above the agreed upon amount. Fairly commonplace, and perhaps reasonable depending on the particulars.
I don't think literally papering over the problem is going to solve it; I would not recommend intentionally blinding yourself to how household income is being disposed of. Not healthy in any respect (financially or for the relationship).
I'd get clear on whether this is mostly just going to impact your lifestyle for the next four to six years (depending on how old the youngest is); or whether it's going to undermine your lifestyle permanently and perhaps your security in retirement.
The joint account alongside individual accounts is how we work things. My impression is that that's the most common arrangement for married people.
All joint accounts are as or more common across everyone, perhaps it's different for people re-marrying or marrying later in life. Having separate accounts for community income can be abused too.
posted by snuffleupagus at 5:06 AM on October 17, 2022 [3 favorites]
I don't think literally papering over the problem is going to solve it; I would not recommend intentionally blinding yourself to how household income is being disposed of. Not healthy in any respect (financially or for the relationship).
I'd get clear on whether this is mostly just going to impact your lifestyle for the next four to six years (depending on how old the youngest is); or whether it's going to undermine your lifestyle permanently and perhaps your security in retirement.
The joint account alongside individual accounts is how we work things. My impression is that that's the most common arrangement for married people.
All joint accounts are as or more common across everyone, perhaps it's different for people re-marrying or marrying later in life. Having separate accounts for community income can be abused too.
posted by snuffleupagus at 5:06 AM on October 17, 2022 [3 favorites]
You say you 'feel' like he is paying less than his share of the household expenses. Is he? Or is it that as a couple you will have less disposable income?
There are many good suggestions above if it is the former. If it's the latter, however, I think you need to understand that marriage does not come with a guarantee that each person is going to earn the same amount or more indefinitely. Or that they will have no unexpected expenses. Would you feel equally resentful if he was helping to pay for expensive medical care for his parent? Or if he became disabled and couldn't work? These are real, and not very uncommon, situations in peoples' lives.
You clearly knew he had children and was planning to pay for their education, so it's odd to me that such a huge allocation of income wasn't discussed or considered previously. I think you should absolutely seek couples counseling and address this issue, because I guarantee this is not the only big challenge you will face in marriage, and it's better to start building the skills now to manage those with grace.
posted by ananci at 5:17 AM on October 17, 2022 [38 favorites]
There are many good suggestions above if it is the former. If it's the latter, however, I think you need to understand that marriage does not come with a guarantee that each person is going to earn the same amount or more indefinitely. Or that they will have no unexpected expenses. Would you feel equally resentful if he was helping to pay for expensive medical care for his parent? Or if he became disabled and couldn't work? These are real, and not very uncommon, situations in peoples' lives.
You clearly knew he had children and was planning to pay for their education, so it's odd to me that such a huge allocation of income wasn't discussed or considered previously. I think you should absolutely seek couples counseling and address this issue, because I guarantee this is not the only big challenge you will face in marriage, and it's better to start building the skills now to manage those with grace.
posted by ananci at 5:17 AM on October 17, 2022 [38 favorites]
Do not start out your marriage with resentment over his children getting more than you. They pre-exist you in his life and nothing good can come of thinking of them as competition. You are not the one who gets to make any decisions about the kids' schooling choices, so the money after whatever school they and their parents decide they go to is what it is. This is really more analogous to "Spouse has a medical condition (or some other unavoidable cost that has nothing to do with you) and now because of medical bills we have less disposable income" than "We would have had XXX but kid took it."
posted by ojocaliente at 5:25 AM on October 17, 2022 [70 favorites]
posted by ojocaliente at 5:25 AM on October 17, 2022 [70 favorites]
What you describe is basically how we handle things here.
My partner and I agreed on what a budget for shared expenses looks like, that amount lands in the joint account each month from each of us, and the rest goes into our personal accounts to manage as we see fit.
posted by Medieval Maven at 5:35 AM on October 17, 2022 [1 favorite]
My partner and I agreed on what a budget for shared expenses looks like, that amount lands in the joint account each month from each of us, and the rest goes into our personal accounts to manage as we see fit.
posted by Medieval Maven at 5:35 AM on October 17, 2022 [1 favorite]
I'd say you are being unreasonable. The premise of your resentment - that "my feeling is that if he is contributing less to our life together (housing, utilities, food, entertainment, etc) because he has less to spend after tuition is paid, then effectively I am paying for these kids' tuition too." places you in direct financial competition with the nearly adult children of your husband, the children he raised for many years before you entered his life. Yes, without the existence of those children, you would have more money. Those people exist, though.
Your awareness of the cost of each child's school cost is most revealing here - its a zero sum game for you, even though young people are in a horrible bind right now: schools are far too expensive, but somewhat obligatory for career success, and we saddle them with debt before they even start. Its kind and right of your husband and his ex-wife to support their children, even if that cost is higher than expected.
Lots of folks above have good suggestions about financial arrangements to distance yourself from watching the college bills get paid, but I think you'd be most helped by reconsidering your husband's obligation to his children.
posted by RajahKing at 5:48 AM on October 17, 2022 [41 favorites]
Your awareness of the cost of each child's school cost is most revealing here - its a zero sum game for you, even though young people are in a horrible bind right now: schools are far too expensive, but somewhat obligatory for career success, and we saddle them with debt before they even start. Its kind and right of your husband and his ex-wife to support their children, even if that cost is higher than expected.
Lots of folks above have good suggestions about financial arrangements to distance yourself from watching the college bills get paid, but I think you'd be most helped by reconsidering your husband's obligation to his children.
posted by RajahKing at 5:48 AM on October 17, 2022 [41 favorites]
Also imagine if he agreed to the scenario you think is reasonable from the kids' point of view. "I can't go to the college I got into, even though it's the best choice for me and my parents agreed to it, because my dad's new wife objects to the tuition impacting her lifestyle." If you want a good relationship with your new step kids, don't go there.
posted by ojocaliente at 5:56 AM on October 17, 2022 [60 favorites]
posted by ojocaliente at 5:56 AM on October 17, 2022 [60 favorites]
In the early years, my spouse and I split the expenses based on what each of us were making. In the beginning, it was 100% me because he moved from Europe to be with me and had no work. Other times, it was 70% him. As someone else said, I would consider whatever income your spouse has after the college support to be his income.
I understand your feelings of resentment but hey, they are just feelings. You know, feelings change. Counselling sounds good. What sounds absolutely mandatory as well is meeting with a fee-only planner to figure out a strategy in terms of expected income, the future college income commitments, etc. mostly for him but also for you two as a couple.
There are many reasons why I eventually left my spouse. Okay, four. One of them was money. We never developed a shared understanding about money. I grew up poor; he did not. Certain financial things that made me feel safe made him feel caged.
It doesn't actually matter what the two of you decide as long as you decide on something that you can both agree to AND that any unresolved issues involving the other kids get resolved sooner than later so those kids know what to expect.
My husband has said he will talk to his ex about future expenses (either the younger two kids go to cheaper schools or his ex foots more than half the bill) but this conversation has not happened yet (messages aren't returned, etc).
Years ago I read about a family that could not afford to pay full tuition for all of their children, so a portion of the financial support was not a gift to the college student but a loan. Each of the children paid back that loan into a pool of money that was then given to the next child, who also received part of the funds as a loan that was then repaid for the next kid.
Honestly, I have no idea exactly how it would work and besides, it is not your job to sort out the college financing issue. But it is absolutely his job and the job of his ex so apparently you get to leave them to that. Meanwhile, as others have expressed, if you loved this guy and he had a bad kidney and needed a transplant, you would presumably roll with it. That is kind of the deal (exceptions for poly, anarchic, whatever non-traditional relationships, yadda yadda) with standard-issue marriage. If conflicting money styles is an issue, that is absolutely worth tackling ASAP because ignoring it will not make it any better. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 6:42 AM on October 17, 2022 [4 favorites]
I understand your feelings of resentment but hey, they are just feelings. You know, feelings change. Counselling sounds good. What sounds absolutely mandatory as well is meeting with a fee-only planner to figure out a strategy in terms of expected income, the future college income commitments, etc. mostly for him but also for you two as a couple.
There are many reasons why I eventually left my spouse. Okay, four. One of them was money. We never developed a shared understanding about money. I grew up poor; he did not. Certain financial things that made me feel safe made him feel caged.
It doesn't actually matter what the two of you decide as long as you decide on something that you can both agree to AND that any unresolved issues involving the other kids get resolved sooner than later so those kids know what to expect.
My husband has said he will talk to his ex about future expenses (either the younger two kids go to cheaper schools or his ex foots more than half the bill) but this conversation has not happened yet (messages aren't returned, etc).
Years ago I read about a family that could not afford to pay full tuition for all of their children, so a portion of the financial support was not a gift to the college student but a loan. Each of the children paid back that loan into a pool of money that was then given to the next child, who also received part of the funds as a loan that was then repaid for the next kid.
Honestly, I have no idea exactly how it would work and besides, it is not your job to sort out the college financing issue. But it is absolutely his job and the job of his ex so apparently you get to leave them to that. Meanwhile, as others have expressed, if you loved this guy and he had a bad kidney and needed a transplant, you would presumably roll with it. That is kind of the deal (exceptions for poly, anarchic, whatever non-traditional relationships, yadda yadda) with standard-issue marriage. If conflicting money styles is an issue, that is absolutely worth tackling ASAP because ignoring it will not make it any better. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 6:42 AM on October 17, 2022 [4 favorites]
Given your ages, marital experiences, and different views about children, I'm surprised this conversation didn't come up explicitly before you got married. Did you talk about how to handle financial child responsibilities before getting married? As you're discovering, it's difficult to have those conversations and negotiate the details while you're living them. And kids' needs are constantly moving targets. Or, from your description it sounds like maybe you had some conversation before marriage, and your current situation runs counter to what you understood. It sounds like you were at least familiar with the parenting agreement around college, but it's not clear whether you and your husband prior to marriage directly addressed your shared finances re: college and "what if's".
I can understand both sides of your position. I don't agree that you are "paying for their college" but I do think you are underwriting a lifestyle that your husband is no longer contributing to in the way you expected or were led to believe, depending on what conversations you actually had. On one hand there is a parenting agreement in place which you as a "third party" should be able to depend on (for the most part - things do change tho), and which allowed you to make some assumptions about finances. Overrunning a parenting agreement for college costs would make me nervous that the parenting agreement would be overrun for other things as well. And it shows that your husband isn't comfortable sticking to that agreement for some reason or another. Is he conflict averse, guilty about the divorce, uncomfortable with financial equality with his ex, eager to show he is a provider, just wants the best for his kids, etc.? Is he now paying more than his ex, or have they overrun the agreement but both are contributing evenly? It sounds like his ex has a tendency or strategy to ignore messages that may lead to difficult conversations. At some point (I say this as someone with a very unresponsive ex and shared kids) the parent seeking change needs to make preemptive decisions and act on them based on what they think best, and let the other parent speak up if there's a problem. Life with kids doesn't wait on an ex who won't communicate.
That said, I also agree with ojocaliente that you shouldn't be the throttle on your stepkids' potential and it's possible you come out of this looking like the bad guy. However, I think it's reasonable for committed adults to disagree about finances and work toward a solution without one of them getting painted as the bad guy. This could happen even in the original family structure. So if your husband agreed about your finances going in, and now acts counter to that agreement, and if you come to a new agreement but then he communicates to the kids (directly or implicitly) that you are the reason they have fewer resources for college, that would be...extremely disturbing.
I like the solutions upthread about living within his means. That makes sense and admits a financial reality while also keeping the kids' lives central. It also means you might have more savings. And, it has an end point. You can target a time when you both agree that college costs are receding and you can shift your lifestyle if you want to. This approach also still ensures you are partners. You could also try different financial approaches. Maybe for three years you do one thing, then revisit and change if you want. The suggestions for individual personal accounts plus a shared account also make sense.
There are financial therapists who probably deal with this very situation regularly, and who might have more practical suggestions that could be implemented sooner, rather than unpacking the feelings but not getting to practical options to try. I have found as a woman that addressing financial issues with a male partner in "regular" couples counseling unfortunately reinforced stereotypes (one of us needed to be "softer," the other "more generous") without acknowledging any of the systemic realities bearing down on women in terms of earning power over time, expectations about time out of the workforce, and the myth that women are naturally better at being the primary parent. You're a little less in that position not having kids of your own, but you are being expected here to use some of your finances to support two other people (your husband and his ex) because they are not sticking to their own financial agreement.
posted by KneeHiSocks at 7:04 AM on October 17, 2022 [4 favorites]
I can understand both sides of your position. I don't agree that you are "paying for their college" but I do think you are underwriting a lifestyle that your husband is no longer contributing to in the way you expected or were led to believe, depending on what conversations you actually had. On one hand there is a parenting agreement in place which you as a "third party" should be able to depend on (for the most part - things do change tho), and which allowed you to make some assumptions about finances. Overrunning a parenting agreement for college costs would make me nervous that the parenting agreement would be overrun for other things as well. And it shows that your husband isn't comfortable sticking to that agreement for some reason or another. Is he conflict averse, guilty about the divorce, uncomfortable with financial equality with his ex, eager to show he is a provider, just wants the best for his kids, etc.? Is he now paying more than his ex, or have they overrun the agreement but both are contributing evenly? It sounds like his ex has a tendency or strategy to ignore messages that may lead to difficult conversations. At some point (I say this as someone with a very unresponsive ex and shared kids) the parent seeking change needs to make preemptive decisions and act on them based on what they think best, and let the other parent speak up if there's a problem. Life with kids doesn't wait on an ex who won't communicate.
That said, I also agree with ojocaliente that you shouldn't be the throttle on your stepkids' potential and it's possible you come out of this looking like the bad guy. However, I think it's reasonable for committed adults to disagree about finances and work toward a solution without one of them getting painted as the bad guy. This could happen even in the original family structure. So if your husband agreed about your finances going in, and now acts counter to that agreement, and if you come to a new agreement but then he communicates to the kids (directly or implicitly) that you are the reason they have fewer resources for college, that would be...extremely disturbing.
I like the solutions upthread about living within his means. That makes sense and admits a financial reality while also keeping the kids' lives central. It also means you might have more savings. And, it has an end point. You can target a time when you both agree that college costs are receding and you can shift your lifestyle if you want to. This approach also still ensures you are partners. You could also try different financial approaches. Maybe for three years you do one thing, then revisit and change if you want. The suggestions for individual personal accounts plus a shared account also make sense.
There are financial therapists who probably deal with this very situation regularly, and who might have more practical suggestions that could be implemented sooner, rather than unpacking the feelings but not getting to practical options to try. I have found as a woman that addressing financial issues with a male partner in "regular" couples counseling unfortunately reinforced stereotypes (one of us needed to be "softer," the other "more generous") without acknowledging any of the systemic realities bearing down on women in terms of earning power over time, expectations about time out of the workforce, and the myth that women are naturally better at being the primary parent. You're a little less in that position not having kids of your own, but you are being expected here to use some of your finances to support two other people (your husband and his ex) because they are not sticking to their own financial agreement.
posted by KneeHiSocks at 7:04 AM on October 17, 2022 [4 favorites]
In the vein of counseling, if your spouse does not want to go to therapy or you guys cannot do couples' therapy in addition to individual therapy, the book Eight Dates. It covers a broad range of topics and gives you and your spouse the opportunity to learn about each others' feelings and needs around those topics, including MONEY.
posted by Medieval Maven at 7:05 AM on October 17, 2022
posted by Medieval Maven at 7:05 AM on October 17, 2022
The notion that he’ll pay less than half for the next kids or they’ll go to cheaper schools suggests you think you have a claim on your husband’s income above his kids. Do you all have wills? These are things to be discussed right away.
Your life will be a lot more pleasant if you have a good relationship with your step kids. Read the stepparenting books, go to therapy, etc.
posted by bluedaisy at 7:17 AM on October 17, 2022 [7 favorites]
Your life will be a lot more pleasant if you have a good relationship with your step kids. Read the stepparenting books, go to therapy, etc.
posted by bluedaisy at 7:17 AM on October 17, 2022 [7 favorites]
I feel there's a bit of an unfair pile-on happening here. This is not the same as someone getting sick or losing their job, and OP is not objecting to their partner paying for the kids' college in general. It's the fact that the agreed-upon amount has changed without discussion.
I am a divorced parent with 2 kids in college. Deciding which college to go to is a very deliberate exercise; it doesn't just happen like "whoopsy daisy, I accidentally accepted the more expensive choice, what dooo!". My kids and I went over their college options together, taking into account all sources of income, and collectively made decisions about what we could afford. If they had wanted something above and beyond that agreement, it would have been another discussion and possibly something they'd have to fund themselves. And if I were married, I would most certainly have brought my partner into the conversation to discuss the impacts to our shared life. OP's partner has a responsibility to them as well as to their kids, especially as they are newly married.
OP, I think you need your partner to acknowledge that what's happening with the kids affects your shared life and plans. My guess is that simple acknowledgement would go a long way. Could you start with asking for that, and then discuss next steps? Couples counselling would probably be very helpful.
Also, unless you both earn the same amount, your contributions to a shared account should be proportionate to your relative incomes, not 50/50.
posted by yawper at 7:24 AM on October 17, 2022 [14 favorites]
I am a divorced parent with 2 kids in college. Deciding which college to go to is a very deliberate exercise; it doesn't just happen like "whoopsy daisy, I accidentally accepted the more expensive choice, what dooo!". My kids and I went over their college options together, taking into account all sources of income, and collectively made decisions about what we could afford. If they had wanted something above and beyond that agreement, it would have been another discussion and possibly something they'd have to fund themselves. And if I were married, I would most certainly have brought my partner into the conversation to discuss the impacts to our shared life. OP's partner has a responsibility to them as well as to their kids, especially as they are newly married.
OP, I think you need your partner to acknowledge that what's happening with the kids affects your shared life and plans. My guess is that simple acknowledgement would go a long way. Could you start with asking for that, and then discuss next steps? Couples counselling would probably be very helpful.
Also, unless you both earn the same amount, your contributions to a shared account should be proportionate to your relative incomes, not 50/50.
posted by yawper at 7:24 AM on October 17, 2022 [14 favorites]
This is the first of many large financial questions that will come up between you and your husband. The joint account idea you mentioned is a sensible step to deal with your immediate solution, if your husband agrees to it. But it might not fit your husband's conception of how marital finances work. And even if it works for the immediate problem, there are still problems that will come up down the road.
For example, if you plan to stay married the rest of your lives, you will be in retirement together. How will you manage your retirement finances? The joint account idea doesn't address that. What if you save a lot for retirement, but your husband isn't able to save because he is paying for his children's college education? Will you order filet mignon while he orders rice and beans? Will you go on vacations without him, because he can't afford to go with you?
What if there are medical expenses, now or in retirement?
You will get through all of these situations more easily if you do the work now on a financial framework for your marriage. Are you all in, where all income goes into one pot, and large expenses requirement mutual agreement? Or are the joint funds strictly limited, and most income is kept by one or the other of you? If the latter, is the expectation that you will split up later in life, take your savings, and go your separate ways? Or is the expectation that you will each maintain roughly equal savings rates?
There are financial counselors who can help you with these questions. In some ways, you can count it a blessing that the children's college costs are forcing you to face this issue now. Take it as an opportunity to work together and build your financial arrangement intentionally and with mutual understanding and agreement.
posted by Winnie the Proust at 7:30 AM on October 17, 2022 [2 favorites]
For example, if you plan to stay married the rest of your lives, you will be in retirement together. How will you manage your retirement finances? The joint account idea doesn't address that. What if you save a lot for retirement, but your husband isn't able to save because he is paying for his children's college education? Will you order filet mignon while he orders rice and beans? Will you go on vacations without him, because he can't afford to go with you?
What if there are medical expenses, now or in retirement?
You will get through all of these situations more easily if you do the work now on a financial framework for your marriage. Are you all in, where all income goes into one pot, and large expenses requirement mutual agreement? Or are the joint funds strictly limited, and most income is kept by one or the other of you? If the latter, is the expectation that you will split up later in life, take your savings, and go your separate ways? Or is the expectation that you will each maintain roughly equal savings rates?
There are financial counselors who can help you with these questions. In some ways, you can count it a blessing that the children's college costs are forcing you to face this issue now. Take it as an opportunity to work together and build your financial arrangement intentionally and with mutual understanding and agreement.
posted by Winnie the Proust at 7:30 AM on October 17, 2022 [2 favorites]
I'm getting the impression that you don't currently have a good sense of what percentage of your joint expenses each of you is covering. This strikes me as odd for people who got together at your stage of life. Have you both sat down and had a clear conversation about budgets etc. that includes specific numbers? If not, you really need to, both to address this issue and many others that will arise over time.
posted by metasarah at 7:32 AM on October 17, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by metasarah at 7:32 AM on October 17, 2022 [2 favorites]
In addition to therapy, what is the best arrangement for our finances?
You can create all the accounts you want, but they'll mean nothing if you don't both cultivate the habit of talking through your finances regularly and in detail, because the odds that a scenario that affects one partner's spending power will occur again are almost 100%. I too am a little puzzled how these discussions were never had prior to marriage, but here you are now. No time like the present to start. Preparing to talk to a planner would be a good way to get going.
You're standing at a crossroads right now, though. Torch your relationship with your stepkids, even if it feels justified to you, and it will not be good for your quality of life in the long run. You have no kids of your own. These kids are in your life now. They can end up filling that important role as you get older, or you can end up in some PE-run hellhole of a nursing home with nobody visiting.
posted by praemunire at 7:34 AM on October 17, 2022 [2 favorites]
You can create all the accounts you want, but they'll mean nothing if you don't both cultivate the habit of talking through your finances regularly and in detail, because the odds that a scenario that affects one partner's spending power will occur again are almost 100%. I too am a little puzzled how these discussions were never had prior to marriage, but here you are now. No time like the present to start. Preparing to talk to a planner would be a good way to get going.
You're standing at a crossroads right now, though. Torch your relationship with your stepkids, even if it feels justified to you, and it will not be good for your quality of life in the long run. You have no kids of your own. These kids are in your life now. They can end up filling that important role as you get older, or you can end up in some PE-run hellhole of a nursing home with nobody visiting.
posted by praemunire at 7:34 AM on October 17, 2022 [2 favorites]
whether it's going to undermine your lifestyle permanently and perhaps your security in retirement
I just wanted to add that I didn't think of it this way. Presumably the OP had housing expenses before marrying, and unless they moved into a house to house his children (very possible! If so this could be a big issue) or there are expensive vehicle/insurance payments around, it's hard for me to see how their original lifestyle is going to end up worse, given that expenses are now shared, unless he uses a ton of hot water - like two people are more expensive than one, but if both are working and he's covering his costs, the OP's lifestyle from pre-marriage shouldn't have changed that much. I might be missing something.
But for me, that's one reason I think it's about mindset and making sure the OP's goals are still met, not about the final figures.
And agreed that it is upsetting if financial agreements with exes and children change...again I guess I'm just sharing, OP, that in my marriage, we're all-in together, so if one partner has a financial problem (lay-off, weird family issue), we still hack at it together. So your husband has to not just present it as fact but as a problem and ask you how you want to address it together in order for this to be a partnership. Maybe that is a big part of the issue emotionally? And yeah, if he's not willing to treat your finances as joint in that way I think it's better that he contribute a fixed amount.
posted by warriorqueen at 8:39 AM on October 17, 2022 [2 favorites]
I just wanted to add that I didn't think of it this way. Presumably the OP had housing expenses before marrying, and unless they moved into a house to house his children (very possible! If so this could be a big issue) or there are expensive vehicle/insurance payments around, it's hard for me to see how their original lifestyle is going to end up worse, given that expenses are now shared, unless he uses a ton of hot water - like two people are more expensive than one, but if both are working and he's covering his costs, the OP's lifestyle from pre-marriage shouldn't have changed that much. I might be missing something.
But for me, that's one reason I think it's about mindset and making sure the OP's goals are still met, not about the final figures.
And agreed that it is upsetting if financial agreements with exes and children change...again I guess I'm just sharing, OP, that in my marriage, we're all-in together, so if one partner has a financial problem (lay-off, weird family issue), we still hack at it together. So your husband has to not just present it as fact but as a problem and ask you how you want to address it together in order for this to be a partnership. Maybe that is a big part of the issue emotionally? And yeah, if he's not willing to treat your finances as joint in that way I think it's better that he contribute a fixed amount.
posted by warriorqueen at 8:39 AM on October 17, 2022 [2 favorites]
So your husband has to not just present it as fact but as a problem and ask you how you want to address it together in order for this to be a partnership.
I think this states it well. There are a number of possible solutions here (e.g., completely separate accounts, separate accounts plus joint account, etc.) but the only way you can get to a good solution that works for both of you is through communication (and likely, some trial and error -- a solution that sounds great on paper may end up not working well for you).
Personally, I am in a relationship where we do not have separate accounts (other than 401k's that are individual) because we married at a time when our assets and obligation were similar. If I was ever to remarry, I would almost certainly opt to keep finances at least somewhat separate just because we would be older, possibly have different obligations and needs, and so on.
posted by Dip Flash at 9:28 AM on October 17, 2022
I think this states it well. There are a number of possible solutions here (e.g., completely separate accounts, separate accounts plus joint account, etc.) but the only way you can get to a good solution that works for both of you is through communication (and likely, some trial and error -- a solution that sounds great on paper may end up not working well for you).
Personally, I am in a relationship where we do not have separate accounts (other than 401k's that are individual) because we married at a time when our assets and obligation were similar. If I was ever to remarry, I would almost certainly opt to keep finances at least somewhat separate just because we would be older, possibly have different obligations and needs, and so on.
posted by Dip Flash at 9:28 AM on October 17, 2022
I am in a very similar situation to yours, the three kids are just a little bit older (the youngest is the only one in college now).
Marriage is all about teamwork, and my husband and I both treat it that way. We sit down once a month and review the finances for the month. We then split the expenses based on the relative proportion of our income and true it up. We also discuss all extra expenses - support for his family, support for mine etc. once every few months.
Our approach with his kids has been that he (and I, if the context requires) are happy to support after discussion. The two oldest, for example, in their junior and senior year they sent spreadsheets of apartments they were looking at, and he (after discussing it with me) agreed to set a amount of support for that. For the youngest, when they were looking at schools, we told them that they would need to discuss the decision with us so that we could all agree on the best course of action. Unfortunately they chose not do so, and picked an extremely expensive private school just together with their mother. We told them we would only pay the same amount of tuition as was paid for the state school, and have held that boundary.
Because they other key point to a healthy marriage when one partner has kids from a prior marriage is boundaries. These are also good for the children - because the lesson that they can just do whatever they want and someone else will foot the bill is extremely maladaptive. How well will that sort of behavior go over with a future boss or future spouse of their own?
The essence to this is to treat the second marriage a little bit like the first. If this had been a child that the two of you had together, and the two of you wouldn’t have agreed to support a course of action because of lack of communication, bad behavior or lack of finances, the second marriage pair should be free to make the exact same decisions. “I’m sorry, we can’t afford this.” “I’m sorry, you didn’t include us in this decision, so we won’t be simply writing a check for it.”
Because, pro-tip, the child that is making decisions without one bio-parent and just expecting that excluded parent and (their spouse) to foot the bill is highly unlikely to visit that step-parent in any sort of retirement home. Talk about drawing for an inside straight! You are better off putting the money that would have gone to the amount of tuition above and beyond the original agreed amount into a retirement fund if you are concerned about how your retirement will go! And further, why is it always about his family? Many posts above talk about him getting sick or his mother getting sick, and how that comes first. What if the second wife gets sick? What if her mom gets sick and needs to move in? Do those issues come second to the children’s unagreed-to-above-and-beyond private school tuition?
For thoughts on this, I highly recommend the book Stepmonster.
posted by susiswimmer at 9:37 AM on October 17, 2022 [6 favorites]
Marriage is all about teamwork, and my husband and I both treat it that way. We sit down once a month and review the finances for the month. We then split the expenses based on the relative proportion of our income and true it up. We also discuss all extra expenses - support for his family, support for mine etc. once every few months.
Our approach with his kids has been that he (and I, if the context requires) are happy to support after discussion. The two oldest, for example, in their junior and senior year they sent spreadsheets of apartments they were looking at, and he (after discussing it with me) agreed to set a amount of support for that. For the youngest, when they were looking at schools, we told them that they would need to discuss the decision with us so that we could all agree on the best course of action. Unfortunately they chose not do so, and picked an extremely expensive private school just together with their mother. We told them we would only pay the same amount of tuition as was paid for the state school, and have held that boundary.
Because they other key point to a healthy marriage when one partner has kids from a prior marriage is boundaries. These are also good for the children - because the lesson that they can just do whatever they want and someone else will foot the bill is extremely maladaptive. How well will that sort of behavior go over with a future boss or future spouse of their own?
The essence to this is to treat the second marriage a little bit like the first. If this had been a child that the two of you had together, and the two of you wouldn’t have agreed to support a course of action because of lack of communication, bad behavior or lack of finances, the second marriage pair should be free to make the exact same decisions. “I’m sorry, we can’t afford this.” “I’m sorry, you didn’t include us in this decision, so we won’t be simply writing a check for it.”
Because, pro-tip, the child that is making decisions without one bio-parent and just expecting that excluded parent and (their spouse) to foot the bill is highly unlikely to visit that step-parent in any sort of retirement home. Talk about drawing for an inside straight! You are better off putting the money that would have gone to the amount of tuition above and beyond the original agreed amount into a retirement fund if you are concerned about how your retirement will go! And further, why is it always about his family? Many posts above talk about him getting sick or his mother getting sick, and how that comes first. What if the second wife gets sick? What if her mom gets sick and needs to move in? Do those issues come second to the children’s unagreed-to-above-and-beyond private school tuition?
For thoughts on this, I highly recommend the book Stepmonster.
posted by susiswimmer at 9:37 AM on October 17, 2022 [6 favorites]
I am in a very similar situation. I had two kids from a prior marriage, my wife had none. To add to the back story, my wife's ex husband burned her on the financial side by spending everything that she made. From day one, my wife and I agreed to maintain separate bank accounts, and have for the 10 years that we have been together. My oldest opted not to go to college. My youngest entered school this fall and I am also now paying 100% for her college. (My ex is house poor and effectively broke, so I didn't push too hard to get her to pay for anything. Schadenfreude can be expensive at times but in this case it is so worth it.)
Kids complicate things. Even if your husband and his ex are on perfect terms with each other and a model for co-parenting, there will be questions about the allocation of resources, both time and financial. From the early parts of my relationship with my wife, there was always the discussion about how to not just allocate funds, but probably more importantly, time. We even had to create a shared calendar to track stuff well in advance to avoid any surprises and avoid the inevitable conflicts of one agreeing to something without the other knowing about it. We tracked days the kids would not be in school, what the after hour activities were and when, when they would be at their mother's place vs not, which vacations we were going on alone vs which ones they were being brought along on. It did not leave much room for spontaneity, but it helped avoid the bigger issue of resentment to have everything mapped out in front of us.
In my opinion, that should have triggered a serious sit down between the husband, the kid, and their mother. I had a similar one with my daughter 8 months ago. She got into the state school and a nice west coast liberal arts school that she had been looking at for years that cost 2.5x as much. The talk went like this " I can afford $x/yr. You can go to StateU and walk away in 4 years with $0 in loans. Or you can go to that other place and you will be looking at $X/yr in loans. The choice is yours." She picked the state university and seems to be very happy with her decision right now. I should note that I discussed everything with my wife before we had the discussion with my daughter.
As for what to do now, I'd personally start with a serious sit down when the kids are not there with a full accounting of what is coming it, where it is all going, who is covering what from their account, and who is transferring how much to the other person to cover whatever you both agree are shared costs. I'd personally still keep accounts separate because that forces the other person to be accountable and not "borrow" from the shared pot.
If that does not work out then the next step would be to pull in a counselor to discuss the sticking points and try to map out a path forward. Hopefully it will not need to go a step further.
posted by SegFaultCoreDump at 9:56 AM on October 17, 2022 [5 favorites]
Kids complicate things. Even if your husband and his ex are on perfect terms with each other and a model for co-parenting, there will be questions about the allocation of resources, both time and financial. From the early parts of my relationship with my wife, there was always the discussion about how to not just allocate funds, but probably more importantly, time. We even had to create a shared calendar to track stuff well in advance to avoid any surprises and avoid the inevitable conflicts of one agreeing to something without the other knowing about it. We tracked days the kids would not be in school, what the after hour activities were and when, when they would be at their mother's place vs not, which vacations we were going on alone vs which ones they were being brought along on. It did not leave much room for spontaneity, but it helped avoid the bigger issue of resentment to have everything mapped out in front of us.
The oldest kid applied to, got into, and started attending a school that costs more than the amount they agreed upon.
In my opinion, that should have triggered a serious sit down between the husband, the kid, and their mother. I had a similar one with my daughter 8 months ago. She got into the state school and a nice west coast liberal arts school that she had been looking at for years that cost 2.5x as much. The talk went like this " I can afford $x/yr. You can go to StateU and walk away in 4 years with $0 in loans. Or you can go to that other place and you will be looking at $X/yr in loans. The choice is yours." She picked the state university and seems to be very happy with her decision right now. I should note that I discussed everything with my wife before we had the discussion with my daughter.
As for what to do now, I'd personally start with a serious sit down when the kids are not there with a full accounting of what is coming it, where it is all going, who is covering what from their account, and who is transferring how much to the other person to cover whatever you both agree are shared costs. I'd personally still keep accounts separate because that forces the other person to be accountable and not "borrow" from the shared pot.
If that does not work out then the next step would be to pull in a counselor to discuss the sticking points and try to map out a path forward. Hopefully it will not need to go a step further.
posted by SegFaultCoreDump at 9:56 AM on October 17, 2022 [5 favorites]
As has been said above, I think it might be very helpful for you and your husband to get a clear picture of your actual expenditures, as well as who is currently contributing what. From your language, it sounds like you have a sense that you're contributing more, but no hard data. In the first year of our marriage, we created a large spreadsheet with all of our incoming and outgoing funds. We tracked things monthly, and very granularly: on the spreadsheet, each month we included our mortgage, property taxes, car insurance, home insurance, each utility separately (gas, electric, water/sewer, cell phone), loan repayment (each loan individually), medical bills, credit card payments (each catalogued individually), etc. This was extremely helpful because it gave a clear sense of our monthly financial obligations, as well as our typical monthly expenditure (in other words, our hard costs each month, as well as how much we spent beyond that). We could have gone further and broken down the credit card payments into categories of spending (groceries, dining out, books, coffee, travel, etc.), if we had needed to. We didn't, but it might be helpful for you; obviously you would also track tuition paid as a category. We tracked this for a year, and created monthly and annual figures: the annual averages were more useful since some of the payments occurred only once or twice a year (taxes, insurance, etc.). We used this actual expenditure data to come up with a realistic savings goal. We also tracked assets/equity: we had a row (or column, can't remember the layout exactly) adding the monthly payment towards mortgage principal each month to our previously estimated equity in our house, a row/column for retirement savings amounts, other savings, tax refunds, etc. You could also have rows/columns tracking income (individually, probably), as well as all the financial outflow tracking described above.
I think this might be helpful for you because it would give you a really clear image of what your financial outflow and inflows are, and how much you are each contributing to each. You will also gain an understanding of the split between your hard costs (mortgage, utilities, tax, etc.), versus your current discretionary spending. You'll also find out how much you each are contributing to retirement savings, which presumably might undergird some of the concern in your question. I think there are different ways to proceed once you make this spreadsheet (and I agree, at least to some extent, with comments above about your husband's preexisting obligations to his children), but I think any correct path here will start with an accurate understanding of what's actually going on.
posted by ClaireBear at 10:59 AM on October 17, 2022 [2 favorites]
I think this might be helpful for you because it would give you a really clear image of what your financial outflow and inflows are, and how much you are each contributing to each. You will also gain an understanding of the split between your hard costs (mortgage, utilities, tax, etc.), versus your current discretionary spending. You'll also find out how much you each are contributing to retirement savings, which presumably might undergird some of the concern in your question. I think there are different ways to proceed once you make this spreadsheet (and I agree, at least to some extent, with comments above about your husband's preexisting obligations to his children), but I think any correct path here will start with an accurate understanding of what's actually going on.
posted by ClaireBear at 10:59 AM on October 17, 2022 [2 favorites]
What if her mom gets sick and needs to move in?
? One would, of course, expect the husband (and, with family income not unlimited, therefore probably also any dependent children) to make sacrifices to support his mother-in-law in that case, as well, rather than complain about the unanticipated diminution of his standard of living. Balancing family support needs is always difficult, but it's not a question of the gender of the parent, or which one is "step."
posted by praemunire at 11:26 AM on October 17, 2022 [4 favorites]
? One would, of course, expect the husband (and, with family income not unlimited, therefore probably also any dependent children) to make sacrifices to support his mother-in-law in that case, as well, rather than complain about the unanticipated diminution of his standard of living. Balancing family support needs is always difficult, but it's not a question of the gender of the parent, or which one is "step."
posted by praemunire at 11:26 AM on October 17, 2022 [4 favorites]
Also, unless you both earn the same amount, your contributions to a shared account should be proportionate to your relative incomes, not 50/50.
In a community property state arrangements like this are contra the presumption that all income earned during the marriage is community property unless derived from pre-existing separate property assets/enterprises. (Simplifying; talk to a lawyer if it matters.)
posted by snuffleupagus at 12:09 PM on October 17, 2022
In a community property state arrangements like this are contra the presumption that all income earned during the marriage is community property unless derived from pre-existing separate property assets/enterprises. (Simplifying; talk to a lawyer if it matters.)
posted by snuffleupagus at 12:09 PM on October 17, 2022
If you can afford a session with a financial planner who has no emotional investment or personal stakes, that might give you both a better perspective and help you put your long- and short-term plans in place.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 12:46 PM on October 17, 2022
posted by The Underpants Monster at 12:46 PM on October 17, 2022
After they were divorced but before any of the kids had applied to college, my husband and his ex agreed upon an amount they would spend per kid for college and they agreed that they would split the costs 50/50. The oldest kid applied to, got into, and started attending a school that costs more than the amount they agreed upon. (I don't really understand how this happened after their agreement.)
Taking a big step back. I think there are a few ways this could have happened: perhaps they made this agreement in the absence of real knowledge about the cost of higher ed (you can look up the cost of tuition but not factor in how much it costs to live in the dorm, eat food, etc, while you're in school), or perhaps they thought the kids would attend a different institution or program. So that original agreement might have been naive. My ex-husband and I had conversations about all this, but until we were closer to making it happen, it was all abstract.
It also could be that it didn't seem like a huge deal because the important part of the agreement was that they'd split it 50/50, and since neither was married (right?), they were thinking of their finances as solo people.
It's also possible that your husband will always do this, give his kids more, because he's a generous guy/pushover/choose the positive or negative framing and interpretation of your choice. He might be conflict avoidant. I suspect that because it sounds like he told you he'd talk to his kids' mom, and he hasn't. So I am wondering if this is a situation with two strong women with strong opinions, and he's not really owning what he wants, or saying no to either of you. Does that ring true at all?
My original response was as someone with a tough relationship with my stepmom, and I want better for you, because that tough relationship hasn't served either of us, and it's definitely been bad for my dad. Going into this in a combative role, where you've put the kids on one side, in conflict with you, and with your husband in the middle, is a really unfortunate framing. You are seeing this as winning versus losing. What happens if you're on your husband's and stepkids' side, trying to help everyone get what they need? Including you?
I think some issues that might be helpful for you to tackle in therapy include if you've fully accepted that you married a man with kids, a man who will have responsibilities to them for his whole life. Adult kids aren't just a responsibility; they also can be a source of great joy. There will likely be grandkids, and he might be really excited about those grandkids (I sure hope so!) and want to give to them, in time or money, generously, too. My sister has a great relationship with my stepmom, and I see how it has made both their lives' better.
I also wonder if some of this is some old hurt or jealousy about his former marriage. I say that not as an accusation, but because that's a totally reasonable feeling.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:31 PM on October 17, 2022 [10 favorites]
Taking a big step back. I think there are a few ways this could have happened: perhaps they made this agreement in the absence of real knowledge about the cost of higher ed (you can look up the cost of tuition but not factor in how much it costs to live in the dorm, eat food, etc, while you're in school), or perhaps they thought the kids would attend a different institution or program. So that original agreement might have been naive. My ex-husband and I had conversations about all this, but until we were closer to making it happen, it was all abstract.
It also could be that it didn't seem like a huge deal because the important part of the agreement was that they'd split it 50/50, and since neither was married (right?), they were thinking of their finances as solo people.
It's also possible that your husband will always do this, give his kids more, because he's a generous guy/pushover/choose the positive or negative framing and interpretation of your choice. He might be conflict avoidant. I suspect that because it sounds like he told you he'd talk to his kids' mom, and he hasn't. So I am wondering if this is a situation with two strong women with strong opinions, and he's not really owning what he wants, or saying no to either of you. Does that ring true at all?
My original response was as someone with a tough relationship with my stepmom, and I want better for you, because that tough relationship hasn't served either of us, and it's definitely been bad for my dad. Going into this in a combative role, where you've put the kids on one side, in conflict with you, and with your husband in the middle, is a really unfortunate framing. You are seeing this as winning versus losing. What happens if you're on your husband's and stepkids' side, trying to help everyone get what they need? Including you?
I think some issues that might be helpful for you to tackle in therapy include if you've fully accepted that you married a man with kids, a man who will have responsibilities to them for his whole life. Adult kids aren't just a responsibility; they also can be a source of great joy. There will likely be grandkids, and he might be really excited about those grandkids (I sure hope so!) and want to give to them, in time or money, generously, too. My sister has a great relationship with my stepmom, and I see how it has made both their lives' better.
I also wonder if some of this is some old hurt or jealousy about his former marriage. I say that not as an accusation, but because that's a totally reasonable feeling.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:31 PM on October 17, 2022 [10 favorites]
(I don't really understand how this happened after their agreement.)
probably it happened because the teenager involved was not a signatory to any part of their financial agreements and did not therefore feel bound to abide by them. if they were even aware of them. though presumably their father fulfilled his parental obligation to advise them during the applications process and fully informed them of the limits on their forthcoming financial support. it is not immediately clear to an outsider why, if they are unwilling or unable to take out loans, their mother should be the one to pay all the extra costs.
To your practical question, of course you should have one joint account for joint bills and individual accounts for your individual spending. almost all married couples should. If your husband is paying a fair share of the household bills and if none of your income is going to his children and if you knew he had college-bound children before you voluntarily married him, I do not understand any rationale for your resentment. college students are giant holes you throw money into, and when they know their parents have funds, they act accordingly. this is known. his failure to proactively set up joint and individual accounts with you is the only alarming aspect of this - it should have been his own suggestion, since the independence of your finances is the only reason he's right.
posted by queenofbithynia at 2:48 PM on October 17, 2022 [2 favorites]
probably it happened because the teenager involved was not a signatory to any part of their financial agreements and did not therefore feel bound to abide by them. if they were even aware of them. though presumably their father fulfilled his parental obligation to advise them during the applications process and fully informed them of the limits on their forthcoming financial support. it is not immediately clear to an outsider why, if they are unwilling or unable to take out loans, their mother should be the one to pay all the extra costs.
To your practical question, of course you should have one joint account for joint bills and individual accounts for your individual spending. almost all married couples should. If your husband is paying a fair share of the household bills and if none of your income is going to his children and if you knew he had college-bound children before you voluntarily married him, I do not understand any rationale for your resentment. college students are giant holes you throw money into, and when they know their parents have funds, they act accordingly. this is known. his failure to proactively set up joint and individual accounts with you is the only alarming aspect of this - it should have been his own suggestion, since the independence of your finances is the only reason he's right.
posted by queenofbithynia at 2:48 PM on October 17, 2022 [2 favorites]
Maybe another way of framing this is that spending the money now on solid (& or prestigious) educations for his kids will at least theoretically improve their job prospects and reduce the chance that they'll be financial drains on him in the future. Putting that "return on investment" take aside- as faults go, a man being generous to his kids is a sign of good character- it's not like he's spending money on an expensive, selfish hobby, a status symbol that only he wants/appreciates, etc. He's helping someone he loves achieve their goals. Can you see how someone like that would also make a good partner?
posted by Larry David Syndrome at 3:19 PM on October 17, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by Larry David Syndrome at 3:19 PM on October 17, 2022 [2 favorites]
The kids can take out student loans to cover the difference, if any.
Thinking of them as "these kids" may not be helpful in the long run. Kids are expensive and choosing not to have any but marrying someone with them is a difficult position to be in. But you "married" "these kids" too, legally you are their step-parent.
Draw whatever line you must financially, but preferably because they are adults and need to be responsible for their education and finances and not totally rely on their parents. Rather than, because your spouse is obligated to pay for them and you'd rather keep that money. That will breed resentment because if he had to choose between his kids and you, that's not a crossroads I'd want to be on.
Also, this has to be a united front that you both agree to. It cannot turn into, I can't get the education I want because my step-mom hates me and thinks I don't deserve a good education. It has to be, my dad (and step-mom) think that I need to be financially responsible and reasonable in my choices and can contribute x so if I need x+y and mom can't do y but can do half of y, then I need a job/loans/less credits per semester, whatever the case may be. If they can't afford living in dorms, get a crappy apartment with roommates.
Like, the fact that your spouse can help with education costs at all is a great gift. Don't let this become an us vs. them thing. Raising responsible children that are financial prudent will help them in the long run.
posted by VyanSelei at 3:41 PM on October 17, 2022 [2 favorites]
Thinking of them as "these kids" may not be helpful in the long run. Kids are expensive and choosing not to have any but marrying someone with them is a difficult position to be in. But you "married" "these kids" too, legally you are their step-parent.
Draw whatever line you must financially, but preferably because they are adults and need to be responsible for their education and finances and not totally rely on their parents. Rather than, because your spouse is obligated to pay for them and you'd rather keep that money. That will breed resentment because if he had to choose between his kids and you, that's not a crossroads I'd want to be on.
Also, this has to be a united front that you both agree to. It cannot turn into, I can't get the education I want because my step-mom hates me and thinks I don't deserve a good education. It has to be, my dad (and step-mom) think that I need to be financially responsible and reasonable in my choices and can contribute x so if I need x+y and mom can't do y but can do half of y, then I need a job/loans/less credits per semester, whatever the case may be. If they can't afford living in dorms, get a crappy apartment with roommates.
Like, the fact that your spouse can help with education costs at all is a great gift. Don't let this become an us vs. them thing. Raising responsible children that are financial prudent will help them in the long run.
posted by VyanSelei at 3:41 PM on October 17, 2022 [2 favorites]
probably it happened because the teenager involved was not a signatory to any part of their financial agreements and did not therefore feel bound to abide by them.
The teenager isn't the one abiding or not abiding by the agreement; it's the teenager's parents.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 3:51 PM on October 17, 2022 [1 favorite]
The teenager isn't the one abiding or not abiding by the agreement; it's the teenager's parents.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 3:51 PM on October 17, 2022 [1 favorite]
Just a quick thought experiment.
What if, contrary to all societal expectations, the OP is actually the primary breadwinner? Does that change in assumptions change anyone’s answers?
Because then she isn’t diverting the resources away from how much husband can provide to the kids, or “throttling” their potential. Instead, she is trying to figure out how much say she gets to have in how her earnings increase the standard of living (and potential) of his kids. This can be an especially daunting calculus if the step-mom actually takes their role as a step-parent seriously and therefore wants to contribute, but also wants to encourage communication, responsibility and living within one’s means/abiding by agreements.
If this is the case, the separate accounts plus one joint account plus monthly detailed tracking is an excellent idea, because it gives OP and her spouse time to figure out how to communicate about finances and what their particular answer to this particularly difficult problem is.
And if this is OP’s situation, then this internet stranger gives her official internet permission to say “not without talking to your father (and I) about it first.”
posted by susiswimmer at 6:54 PM on October 17, 2022 [1 favorite]
What if, contrary to all societal expectations, the OP is actually the primary breadwinner? Does that change in assumptions change anyone’s answers?
Because then she isn’t diverting the resources away from how much husband can provide to the kids, or “throttling” their potential. Instead, she is trying to figure out how much say she gets to have in how her earnings increase the standard of living (and potential) of his kids. This can be an especially daunting calculus if the step-mom actually takes their role as a step-parent seriously and therefore wants to contribute, but also wants to encourage communication, responsibility and living within one’s means/abiding by agreements.
If this is the case, the separate accounts plus one joint account plus monthly detailed tracking is an excellent idea, because it gives OP and her spouse time to figure out how to communicate about finances and what their particular answer to this particularly difficult problem is.
And if this is OP’s situation, then this internet stranger gives her official internet permission to say “not without talking to your father (and I) about it first.”
posted by susiswimmer at 6:54 PM on October 17, 2022 [1 favorite]
Your post made me feel so sad, and so grateful for my own stepmother. Let me offer you a tale.
I was in college, and had a younger sibling who was about to apply to college, when my father remarried. I didn’t know my new stepmother well when they married — after all, I didn’t live at home.
It’s now been close to twenty years, and I have a very close relationship with my stepmom. Obviously she’s not my mom, but she played the role of a close aunt for many years, and as I’ve gotten older, we’ve really just become good friends. We text and chat on the phone regularly, we go out to dinner together, we get each other actually thoughtful holiday gifts. I don’t expect she and my father will split up, but if they did I hope we’d still be friends.
I cannot overstate how much better my life is — and I strongly suspect hers and my father’s are, as well — because she and I have a good relationship. I was a kid when they got married — a 19-year-old is a kid in a lot of ways that count! — and she really worked to cultivate strong relationships with me and my siblings, and to keep our relationship with our dad strong as well.
So your story sort of breaks my heart! I would have been devastated to think of my stepmom thinking of us this way, even early on: having to pay for three kids who aren't my own to attend college really leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. I mean! They are yours, now! Or they can be, if that’s something you want. Maybe you don’t, but that’ll be your loss.
If, instead of finding common interests and inviting us to family occasions and always making us feel included in her and my dad’s life, my stepmother had complained about my dad paying half my college tuition and told my younger sibling they had to attend a cheaper school because she wanted more of my dad’s money…well! I do not think our relationship would’ve turned out the way it has.
People in this thread are being incredibly generous to you. The vibe here is pretty wicked stepmother and I feel like you know that? Please do not try to compete with your husband's children for resources.
In fairness: I am assuming that on the spectrum of “we can’t pay our utility bills or buy enough food to eat” to “we can’t fly first class to Paris”, your situation falls closer to the latter end of the spectrum. If your financial situation genuinely can’t support helping your kids with college tuition, that’s fine and actually what most people’s lives are like! But if it’s just that you’re being asked to sacrifice some luxuries ( / that you’re having to pay more than your “share” for those luxuries) then you maybe shouldn’t have married a dude with kids. You did, though, so I think mostly-separate bank accounts, as described many times above, are probably your best option.
And then try to be nice to your stepkids, maybe you will like them. I mean, you like their dad.
posted by robot inside a grid at 7:48 PM on October 17, 2022 [22 favorites]
I was in college, and had a younger sibling who was about to apply to college, when my father remarried. I didn’t know my new stepmother well when they married — after all, I didn’t live at home.
It’s now been close to twenty years, and I have a very close relationship with my stepmom. Obviously she’s not my mom, but she played the role of a close aunt for many years, and as I’ve gotten older, we’ve really just become good friends. We text and chat on the phone regularly, we go out to dinner together, we get each other actually thoughtful holiday gifts. I don’t expect she and my father will split up, but if they did I hope we’d still be friends.
I cannot overstate how much better my life is — and I strongly suspect hers and my father’s are, as well — because she and I have a good relationship. I was a kid when they got married — a 19-year-old is a kid in a lot of ways that count! — and she really worked to cultivate strong relationships with me and my siblings, and to keep our relationship with our dad strong as well.
So your story sort of breaks my heart! I would have been devastated to think of my stepmom thinking of us this way, even early on: having to pay for three kids who aren't my own to attend college really leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. I mean! They are yours, now! Or they can be, if that’s something you want. Maybe you don’t, but that’ll be your loss.
If, instead of finding common interests and inviting us to family occasions and always making us feel included in her and my dad’s life, my stepmother had complained about my dad paying half my college tuition and told my younger sibling they had to attend a cheaper school because she wanted more of my dad’s money…well! I do not think our relationship would’ve turned out the way it has.
People in this thread are being incredibly generous to you. The vibe here is pretty wicked stepmother and I feel like you know that? Please do not try to compete with your husband's children for resources.
In fairness: I am assuming that on the spectrum of “we can’t pay our utility bills or buy enough food to eat” to “we can’t fly first class to Paris”, your situation falls closer to the latter end of the spectrum. If your financial situation genuinely can’t support helping your kids with college tuition, that’s fine and actually what most people’s lives are like! But if it’s just that you’re being asked to sacrifice some luxuries ( / that you’re having to pay more than your “share” for those luxuries) then you maybe shouldn’t have married a dude with kids. You did, though, so I think mostly-separate bank accounts, as described many times above, are probably your best option.
And then try to be nice to your stepkids, maybe you will like them. I mean, you like their dad.
posted by robot inside a grid at 7:48 PM on October 17, 2022 [22 favorites]
Regarding your feelings-- The need based financial aid system in the U.S. considers the income of step parents when determining eligibility for need based financial aid. This is not your step children's fault (nor your husband's). Plus colleges tend to assume that parents can pay the costs from 1/3 of savings, 1/3 of current income, and 1/3 of loans, which is frankly not realistic for many families these days.
Therefore I must ask, are you better off unmarried? (I'm guessing not... since you knew this stage was coming).
The good news about having 3 kids in college at once is that you are effectively ripping off the bandaid with regards to the cost of college. Every year higher education gets more expensive.
I nth the suggestion to meet with a financial advisor. I think you will feel better knowing there is a solid long term plan re saving for retirement.
Overall, I concur that "his," "her" and "joint" financial accounts are the way to go. However, I think you need to understand the college costs your husband is responsible for (and how he plans to pay for them) even if you don't think about it everyday. For instance, if part of the plan includes parent loans, then this debt may directly affect you. If any of the plan includes current income than a potential loss of his income also impacts you.
posted by oceano at 10:50 PM on October 17, 2022
Therefore I must ask, are you better off unmarried? (I'm guessing not... since you knew this stage was coming).
The good news about having 3 kids in college at once is that you are effectively ripping off the bandaid with regards to the cost of college. Every year higher education gets more expensive.
I nth the suggestion to meet with a financial advisor. I think you will feel better knowing there is a solid long term plan re saving for retirement.
Overall, I concur that "his," "her" and "joint" financial accounts are the way to go. However, I think you need to understand the college costs your husband is responsible for (and how he plans to pay for them) even if you don't think about it everyday. For instance, if part of the plan includes parent loans, then this debt may directly affect you. If any of the plan includes current income than a potential loss of his income also impacts you.
posted by oceano at 10:50 PM on October 17, 2022
The need based financial aid system in the U.S. considers the income of step parents when determining eligibility for need based financial aid.
This is not entirely correct. The FAFSA only requires one household to report. This is the household (parent and step-parent, if applicable) that had majority custody or, if neither household has majority custody, the household that provided majority support. This may not be OP’s household. See the FAFSA instructions on this point.
posted by susiswimmer at 5:10 AM on October 18, 2022
This is not entirely correct. The FAFSA only requires one household to report. This is the household (parent and step-parent, if applicable) that had majority custody or, if neither household has majority custody, the household that provided majority support. This may not be OP’s household. See the FAFSA instructions on this point.
posted by susiswimmer at 5:10 AM on October 18, 2022
Side note for those who have not gone through the financial aid game in a while: The "primary household only" rule is only institutions that only look at the FAFSA to determine the expected family contribution. These are usually your lower cost public institutions.
Private colleges and universities typically require a CSS Profile application for financial aid. This system "optionally" takes into account income and assets from both households for kids with divorced parents, not just the primary one. It should come as a surprise to no one that almost all institutions that require the CSS Profile also elect to take into account both households. Thus all step parents assets are included in any calculations made with the CSS Profile.
The determination of which is the "primary household" for the purposes of the FAFASA is easy to game. This permits the more affluent parent to shield their income from consideration from the excepted family contribution metric. The CSS Profile puts a blunt stop to this.
posted by SegFaultCoreDump at 6:08 AM on October 18, 2022 [2 favorites]
Private colleges and universities typically require a CSS Profile application for financial aid. This system "optionally" takes into account income and assets from both households for kids with divorced parents, not just the primary one. It should come as a surprise to no one that almost all institutions that require the CSS Profile also elect to take into account both households. Thus all step parents assets are included in any calculations made with the CSS Profile.
The determination of which is the "primary household" for the purposes of the FAFASA is easy to game. This permits the more affluent parent to shield their income from consideration from the excepted family contribution metric. The CSS Profile puts a blunt stop to this.
posted by SegFaultCoreDump at 6:08 AM on October 18, 2022 [2 favorites]
I would have a joint account that pays all your joint bills (however you define those) and then each contribute to it in proportion to your (after tax) incomes.
On the resentment thing, if your husband has not been willing or able to say no to the additional cost for the first child, then you can probably expect the same thing to happen for the second and third children as well. There are all sorts of reasons why college costs end up higher than previously agreed. Some of those reasons are benign and some less so. It's probably easier to anticipate additional cost and be pleasantly surprised than the other way round. I woiul start having conversations now about whether he wants to contribute to grad school, weddings and houses for the kids.
posted by plonkee at 7:47 AM on October 18, 2022 [2 favorites]
On the resentment thing, if your husband has not been willing or able to say no to the additional cost for the first child, then you can probably expect the same thing to happen for the second and third children as well. There are all sorts of reasons why college costs end up higher than previously agreed. Some of those reasons are benign and some less so. It's probably easier to anticipate additional cost and be pleasantly surprised than the other way round. I woiul start having conversations now about whether he wants to contribute to grad school, weddings and houses for the kids.
posted by plonkee at 7:47 AM on October 18, 2022 [2 favorites]
Although, speaking as a younger kid who wishes she had a nickel for every time she was told, "Sorry, we spent it all on your older sibling," it could go the other way. And that doesn't go very far toward fostering happy familial feelings.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:40 AM on October 18, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:40 AM on October 18, 2022 [1 favorite]
OP, I've been thinking about your post since I read it yesterday. First of all, I don't think you are a wicked stepmother for having concerns about the college costs. It's a major expense, no way around that. What's unsaid in your post is how big of a financial impact this is actually having on your life. I think a lot of the responders to this thread are assuming that this is impacting the number of getaway vacations you take, when it's just as likely the jump in college costs could be impacting things like the grocery budget and necessary car repairs. We don't know how carefully you do or don't budget.
What is coming across is your use of the word "resentment." While you admit to some ambivalence around parenting children in a general way, I wonder if your resentment is actually misplaced annoyance/anger at yourself and your partner for being naive about the costs associated with teens and young adults. I'd like to share some of my personal experience here. My mother and stepfather met when I was a young teen but waited to marry until I turned 18. They emphasized that he wasn't my parent and I shouldn't treat him as "dad." (His kids were older and already into their professional careers, he was "done" being a parental figure.) They didn't really consider how their marriage would impact me and my ability to receive financial aid for college. They just kinda engaged in some magical thinking that he was not really my father, he had no financial obligation, it wasn't his responsibility to parent me in any way. On most levels I kinda agree ... yeah, he wasn't my dad ... yeah in theory I had a dad but he was a deadbeat who didn't call and didn't pay child support for me ... but man, I can't say it made me feel good. So when I first applied for college during my senior year of high school before they married, I qualified for a generous amount of need-based financial aid at the public universities. (I also applied to privates and was accepted, but I gave up on the idea when a financial aid officer for one school gave me an unduly hard time about my deadbeat dad not contributing to the process for applying for aid. At 17 years old it was painful for me to tell a stranger that my dad wouldn't even return my phone calls, only to be told that surely he was still my dad and cared about my future.) I'm going to cut a long story short and just say that my mom and stepdad's marriage torpedoed my ability to receive any financial aid. No grants no loans no work study. They had merged finances, and like you, my stepdad didn't want to be on the hook in any way for helping me through college. As a result it took me 10 years to finish my undergraduate degree with many stops and starts. It wasn't that he was a mean person. He was actually very, very, very fond of me. But he and my mom were so busy disavowing responsibility that they didn't educate themselves on financial matters.
So OP, don't be like my parents and stick your head in the sand. Educate yourself on the financial matters. If you and your spouse don't have a handle on your shared expenses (before the tuition comes into play) and joint financial goals, get that squared away. Recognize that for most families who help their kids with college expenses, these years are often the most expensive, even though the active child-rearing days might feel like they are over. You should also recognize that your spouse and his ex have just shown their kids that private college is definitely on the table as a choice. You can't bank on the younger kids going somewhere cheaper to make up for the fact that the eldest's college is more expensive. Private college financial aid offices are definitely going to be looking at the collective assets/income of both households. Also, the 50/50 deal that your husband and his ex agreed to long ago ... it's possible that they made that agreement with some faulty assumptions. A lot of parents make college financial plans based on their experience from 20 years prior, not the reality of today. Don't assume malice on the part of the ex or the kids. Don't forget that it's not a bad thing that the kids are college-bound young people. Figure out where your own boundaries are. Get some independent financial advice from a fee-only planner whom you can reveal your entire financial picture to. I hope this helps.
posted by stowaway at 1:42 PM on October 18, 2022 [7 favorites]
What is coming across is your use of the word "resentment." While you admit to some ambivalence around parenting children in a general way, I wonder if your resentment is actually misplaced annoyance/anger at yourself and your partner for being naive about the costs associated with teens and young adults. I'd like to share some of my personal experience here. My mother and stepfather met when I was a young teen but waited to marry until I turned 18. They emphasized that he wasn't my parent and I shouldn't treat him as "dad." (His kids were older and already into their professional careers, he was "done" being a parental figure.) They didn't really consider how their marriage would impact me and my ability to receive financial aid for college. They just kinda engaged in some magical thinking that he was not really my father, he had no financial obligation, it wasn't his responsibility to parent me in any way. On most levels I kinda agree ... yeah, he wasn't my dad ... yeah in theory I had a dad but he was a deadbeat who didn't call and didn't pay child support for me ... but man, I can't say it made me feel good. So when I first applied for college during my senior year of high school before they married, I qualified for a generous amount of need-based financial aid at the public universities. (I also applied to privates and was accepted, but I gave up on the idea when a financial aid officer for one school gave me an unduly hard time about my deadbeat dad not contributing to the process for applying for aid. At 17 years old it was painful for me to tell a stranger that my dad wouldn't even return my phone calls, only to be told that surely he was still my dad and cared about my future.) I'm going to cut a long story short and just say that my mom and stepdad's marriage torpedoed my ability to receive any financial aid. No grants no loans no work study. They had merged finances, and like you, my stepdad didn't want to be on the hook in any way for helping me through college. As a result it took me 10 years to finish my undergraduate degree with many stops and starts. It wasn't that he was a mean person. He was actually very, very, very fond of me. But he and my mom were so busy disavowing responsibility that they didn't educate themselves on financial matters.
So OP, don't be like my parents and stick your head in the sand. Educate yourself on the financial matters. If you and your spouse don't have a handle on your shared expenses (before the tuition comes into play) and joint financial goals, get that squared away. Recognize that for most families who help their kids with college expenses, these years are often the most expensive, even though the active child-rearing days might feel like they are over. You should also recognize that your spouse and his ex have just shown their kids that private college is definitely on the table as a choice. You can't bank on the younger kids going somewhere cheaper to make up for the fact that the eldest's college is more expensive. Private college financial aid offices are definitely going to be looking at the collective assets/income of both households. Also, the 50/50 deal that your husband and his ex agreed to long ago ... it's possible that they made that agreement with some faulty assumptions. A lot of parents make college financial plans based on their experience from 20 years prior, not the reality of today. Don't assume malice on the part of the ex or the kids. Don't forget that it's not a bad thing that the kids are college-bound young people. Figure out where your own boundaries are. Get some independent financial advice from a fee-only planner whom you can reveal your entire financial picture to. I hope this helps.
posted by stowaway at 1:42 PM on October 18, 2022 [7 favorites]
The agreement on future college costs was almost certainly a floor, not a ceiling. They would have agreed on a minimum, not a maximum.
Anyway - I’d advise that the stepmother in this scenario simply determine what she can afford and wants to pay as 50% of joing household expenses and go from there. As long as her spouse can pay his 50%, what he does with the rest of his money is his business. She really has no basis to say it can’t go to his children for whatever purpose.
posted by haptic_avenger at 5:24 PM on October 18, 2022
Anyway - I’d advise that the stepmother in this scenario simply determine what she can afford and wants to pay as 50% of joing household expenses and go from there. As long as her spouse can pay his 50%, what he does with the rest of his money is his business. She really has no basis to say it can’t go to his children for whatever purpose.
posted by haptic_avenger at 5:24 PM on October 18, 2022
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I think that the absolute amount of money is less of an issue. More important is what the money means i.e. is your husband giving this marriage his 100% or not. You don't want to be in a tit for tat situation, where you are adding up what you are giving to this marriage and what your husband is. Perhaps a better way to mentally reframe this situation is to ask yourself: if your husband was diagnosed with a condition that left him unable to work full time, or a sickly parent in need of financial support, or some other financial obligations, would you still 'cover' for him, would you feel resentful doing so, what show of commitment does he have to do in order for you to feel less resentful?
The answer may be joint accounts, in which you contribute equally, and he has to get a second job/ side hustle because of his financial obligations. Or it could be that you contribute more to the joint account, but he has less personal spending money. Or it could be some other answer that you both come up with together. If your husband allows his kids to go to pricey schools even if he can't afford it, than you have to discuss what implications his financial and emotional decision means for your marriage.
Also I would probably add that while they are not your kids, when you married your husband, you also married knowing that there would be financial obligations attached, or indeed, could arise anyime after, in sickness and in health and all that. The reverse is also true. What matters more is that both of you come to the marriage all in and be able to discuss/ work around and empathise as appropriate.
posted by moiraine at 2:33 AM on October 17, 2022 [8 favorites]