Looking for support for a family member who's affected by cancer

October 11, 2022 6:15 AM

I have a 41-year-old cousin with Stage 4 stomach cancer. At this point, it's pretty much considered terminal -- chemo will keep him alive for awhile, but it will be hard, and in the next few years, he will probably die. He's scared, but doing pretty well with it, all things considered. His mom (my aunt), on the other hand, is not coping well. I'm looking for any suggestions for how she might find some help.

A few pertinent details -- the family lives in West Texas, about 3 hours west of Ft. Worth/Dallas, where it's hard to find any support services that aren't faith-based. (My family members aren't religious.) My cousin and his family (wife and teenage daughter) live in the same town as my aunt and uncle. They're close as a family -- lots of love there, and very regular contact.

My aunt has been helped tremendously by therapy the past few years for her own unrelated reasons, so of course, she's seeing her therapist at least weekly. But knowing that her son is likely going to die well before she does is completely tearing her up. Which is...normal, I know. But she is thus far unable to function -- get dressed, leave the house, stop crying, etc. She wants to be there for her family and feels guilty that she's such a mess, which just makes it worse.

I think that hearing the stories of others who are currently or have been in similar situations might be helpful to her. I'm especially looking for support groups/communities that would be available to her. Finding one locally is unlikely, but if you know of any online support communities that could be a good fit, I'd appreciate it.

Or, if you have another idea that might help her, I'm open to any other thoughts. Books? Great articles you've read?

Thanks in advance for your thoughtful responses.

posted by nosila to Human Relations (9 answers total)

Could be the right time to ask Dr for prescription help temporarily to be able to think without the extreme lows. Then articles or other information may be more available to her at a more stable emotional state For me it is hard to take in help when can't stop crying. Grief is strong.
posted by RoadScholar at 6:32 AM on October 11, 2022 [1 favorite]

Best answer: For support groups, I would start with https://www.cancersupportcommunity.org/ . I attended a Friends & Family support group via my local affiliate. Their groups were totally online at that time due to covid, but they continue to offer zoom support groups because its more convenient for many people (especially those with caregiving responsibilities.) If there isn't a local group that's secular, they may be able to recommend a nationwide online group.
posted by juliapangolin at 6:39 AM on October 11, 2022

Response by poster: A clarification in response to RoadScholar - the initial diagnosis was a few months ago, my cousin has been through his initial very intense chemotherapy and recently had his post-chemo labs/visit, which indicated that his tumors didn't shrink in response to the chemo. So my aunt's current debilitation is in response to the very new knowledge that this cancer is terminal.

RoadScholar, your point that she's not going to be able to process help right now is totally correct, thank you. I guess I'm thinking of the slightly longer-term situation, where she's going to have to live with this grief day in, day out.
posted by nosila at 6:42 AM on October 11, 2022

Your cousin's hospital should have family programs available through their Patient Education/Resource Center. They are usually well versed in the need to help both patients and families.
posted by machine at 7:30 AM on October 11, 2022 [1 favorite]

Best answer: This is a heartbreaking situation. I watched my mother go through it.

This isn't helpful now, but after your cousin passes, I'd suggest looking into Compassionate Friends. It's an organization for supporting parents who lose children of any age. My mother was never a joiner, but getting their newsletters (pre-internet) made her feel less alone.

Now that I think of it, you could always try calling them now. They might have suggestions.
posted by FencingGal at 7:41 AM on October 11, 2022

Best answer: I found wonderful support through "Gilda's Club Seattle", which has since changed to "Cancer Pathways". A positive outcome of covid, is that they have added many online support groups. They are 100% free, non-religious, no agenda. When I was there 20 years ago, the mantra was "come as you are".
I wish your cousin and aunt peace. This is hard.
posted by jennstra at 8:36 AM on October 11, 2022 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I'm very sorry, this is an awful situation. When she is ready, she may want to try an online support group through Cancercare.
In terms of help with daily functioning, perhaps she should speak with her pcp and therapist about if a referral for depression medication might be appropriate?
posted by fies at 8:42 AM on October 11, 2022

Response by poster: One other clarification based on machine's answer: my cousin's hospital is MD Anderson in Houston, about a 5-hr drive from their hometown, so resources outside his medical appointments are pretty hard to access.

Thanks everyone for your answers so far. They're very helpful.
posted by nosila at 11:37 AM on October 11, 2022

Read Die Wise by Stephen Jenkinson
posted by Roach at 2:24 PM on October 11, 2022