What is it like to go from people pleaser to assertive?
September 26, 2022 6:05 AM Subscribe
I’m working on becoming more assertive and am looking to hear experiences from people who made the change from people pleaser to assertive. How do people react when someone that is usually a pushover starts to become assertive? Is a normal level of assertiveness seen as aggressive when it comes from somebody that’s known for being a pushover? Would love to hear your experiences!
It's a noticeable transition, but a very worthwhile one. Some folks will absolutely respond poorly to people asserting their boundaries, especially when it's someone they're used to walking all over. That's a good sign that that relationship needs renegotiation. But it's also a tricky thing to learn to do! I have several friends who have gotten much better at asserting boundaries over the years, and generally when they're pretty new at it, they tend to approach boundary-setting like it's going to start a huge argument - mostly because in their lives, and especially their childhoods, it would. So they can come off as aggressive, and that can be startling and a little offputting. But you can't *un*learn the assumption that asserting yourself = starting a fight until you have some experience proving it won't, so try to extend some patience, both to yourself and the people you interact with.
posted by restless_nomad at 6:14 AM on September 26, 2022 [21 favorites]
posted by restless_nomad at 6:14 AM on September 26, 2022 [21 favorites]
In my experience some people overshoot, which is all part of the learning process.
Anyways, it's important to understand the difference between assertiveness and good boundaries.
A good boundary is where you can control the outcome. For example, a friend is pushy about going out to brunch and often leaves you with the cheque. You say "sorry, I'm not available on that day." Then you don't go. That's not exactly assertive, but it establishes your boundary. Another example is that someone always launches into sexist diatribes around you. You can say "I don't like it when you do that, and if you do that I'm going to have to head out." Then you do head out.
Assertiveness is a level up from that in a way. Assertiveness would be with the first friend - 'Look, I don't like brunch and I don't like feeling like you're not paying your fair share. Reciprocity is important to me in a friendship." Note that here you are not actually trying to control an outcome. But you are asserting your feelings and beliefs in a grounded way.
In the second case it would be more like "I actually believe women are underpaid for their skills. That's an important understanding that I have about the world. I need you to respect my views."
Assertiveness also really depends on context. For example, in the workplace assertiveness can be about confidently stating your thoughts, and not taking on tasks that are being badly distributed. In a relationship, assertiveness can be about stating your desires and goals with the expectation that sharing them will result in your partner working towards them with you. In friendships, assertiveness can be stating your needs and desires and having that reciprocal relationship. It's more about having your voice and using it to state what you are really feeling and thinking (without being in a state of overwhelm/anger) with an expectation that you are fine to do so.
I went from a household where a lot of my needs and desires were only valued when they were in line with the dominant parent's. In my marriage, for a while I was very soft and then I went through kind of an angry/ragey stge. It took a while to reach a place where I can generally state my needs and desires and goals, and then listen to the response, and then move forward positively - I don't always "get my way" or whatever but I feel that it's a part of the conversation that is important. Sometimes people confuse assertiveness with results. Being more assertive is about being more true to yourself, but it does not mean it always works out that others respond the way you want.
Hope that helps.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:28 AM on September 26, 2022 [21 favorites]
Anyways, it's important to understand the difference between assertiveness and good boundaries.
A good boundary is where you can control the outcome. For example, a friend is pushy about going out to brunch and often leaves you with the cheque. You say "sorry, I'm not available on that day." Then you don't go. That's not exactly assertive, but it establishes your boundary. Another example is that someone always launches into sexist diatribes around you. You can say "I don't like it when you do that, and if you do that I'm going to have to head out." Then you do head out.
Assertiveness is a level up from that in a way. Assertiveness would be with the first friend - 'Look, I don't like brunch and I don't like feeling like you're not paying your fair share. Reciprocity is important to me in a friendship." Note that here you are not actually trying to control an outcome. But you are asserting your feelings and beliefs in a grounded way.
In the second case it would be more like "I actually believe women are underpaid for their skills. That's an important understanding that I have about the world. I need you to respect my views."
Assertiveness also really depends on context. For example, in the workplace assertiveness can be about confidently stating your thoughts, and not taking on tasks that are being badly distributed. In a relationship, assertiveness can be about stating your desires and goals with the expectation that sharing them will result in your partner working towards them with you. In friendships, assertiveness can be stating your needs and desires and having that reciprocal relationship. It's more about having your voice and using it to state what you are really feeling and thinking (without being in a state of overwhelm/anger) with an expectation that you are fine to do so.
I went from a household where a lot of my needs and desires were only valued when they were in line with the dominant parent's. In my marriage, for a while I was very soft and then I went through kind of an angry/ragey stge. It took a while to reach a place where I can generally state my needs and desires and goals, and then listen to the response, and then move forward positively - I don't always "get my way" or whatever but I feel that it's a part of the conversation that is important. Sometimes people confuse assertiveness with results. Being more assertive is about being more true to yourself, but it does not mean it always works out that others respond the way you want.
Hope that helps.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:28 AM on September 26, 2022 [21 favorites]
Yes, people acted shocked. I heard I was "selfish" many times. (I wasn't selfish at all) I lost a few friends who were essentially using me and not giving back to me. The truth is, asserting boundaries can be lonely, but the friends you are left with are even more trustworthy.
posted by stockpuppet at 6:30 AM on September 26, 2022 [10 favorites]
posted by stockpuppet at 6:30 AM on September 26, 2022 [10 favorites]
How do people react when someone that is usually a pushover starts to become assertive? Is a normal level of assertiveness seen as aggressive when it comes from somebody that’s known for being a pushover?
There's no need for you to disclose, and there is a lot that is general or common to everyone, but answers to this are going to vary a lot depending on how the gender of the person being assertive is perceived. This is unfortunately a far more complex issue for women. Things that a man might do and be perceived as "confident and assertive" can be turned into "what a b****" or worse when it is a woman doing them.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:57 AM on September 26, 2022 [2 favorites]
There's no need for you to disclose, and there is a lot that is general or common to everyone, but answers to this are going to vary a lot depending on how the gender of the person being assertive is perceived. This is unfortunately a far more complex issue for women. Things that a man might do and be perceived as "confident and assertive" can be turned into "what a b****" or worse when it is a woman doing them.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:57 AM on September 26, 2022 [2 favorites]
While you are right that people who WANT your boundaries nice and permeable will read any defense of them as aggression, I think it's important to remember that assertive doesn't need to mean actually being aggressive in most cases. There's a whole zone in there where you just kindly say you can't do something, or only have X resources to offer, or are only able to help in XYZ ways, and say you're sorry you can't do more and MEAN IT but stand behind it rather than cave and commit to something you don't want to or do not have the resources to do.
A very useful phrase I learned: boundaries are a gift. People-pleasing or mushy boundaries are often frustrating to other people who are just trying to get stuff done. Saying you can come on Saturday when actually you don't really have the time or resources to be fully present is not necessarily what normal askers want from you - tell them it'll have to be the following weekend if that's the truth. Say you can do X but not Y so they know they need to find someone to do Y NOW rather than later. If I'm trying to schedule lunch with you and you refuse to state any preferences, you're putting all the decision-making burden on me instead of sharing the work with me; it ultimately feels like you're not really interested and our relationship isn't collaborative.
When it comes to defending your values or disagreeing with people, you still need to pick and choose your moments sometimes. You may want to arm yourself with a couple of practiced phrases so you have something to use when you are startled - "I'm not sure I share that opinion" or "That's not where I stand on that" or "I can't be your ally in that" - you can still leave room to clarify if you've misunderstood, you don't have to go straight to punching them in the face though you can reserve the right to do so eventually.
The people I know who are really good at this, in both work and life, don't treat it like defending oneself from a bunch of evil bad guys determined to do them harm. They operate from a place of a) not wanting to over-promise and under-deliver, or be someone who frequently flakes/bails/pushes deadlines/phones it in b) but also draw a STOP line on the floor for people who are trying to take advantage or (and I think these are both more innocent in intent but worse to deal with sometimes) people who themselves are not very good at putting boundaries on what they will ask for from someone else.
I find that when you are operating in that zone, one of the primary things you feel is confidence in your decisions. Obviously not every decision is going to be perfect, and sometimes there is no perfect - there's just several options that all have different consequences and you're choosing the ones you are best prepared to deal with. Being more assertive does not delete social/work/family politics, it doesn't mean you can "win" every situation because sometimes there's no real win to be had, and it also doesn't control other people's feelings or responses. Being assertive does not mean other people don't get mad at you, it just means letting it happen and not changing your position. (But it also shouldn't mean EVERYONE gets mad at you! Those people are one thing, and then there's other people who are just like great, a decision, I love it, task taken care of.)
And I think an important mindset for finding that zone is coming to understand that other people have their own anxieties, priorities, trauma, personality, experiences, and communication styles and that is FINE, they are ALLOWED, but that doesn't mean you must ease their distress. Let them be upset. Let them go up the management chain and management can force you to modify your project plan to accommodate this other thing someone wants, if they're that willing to fight for it. (You will eventually learn when that's going to happen and you can pre-capitulate when you know politically you must, but still offer some resistance first.) It's also not people-pleasing to offer compromises that are reasonable to you: no, I can't do your social thing on this short notice (which you know, and you should stop asking, is not a thing you absolutely have to say out loud) but let's get together next month, how's the 12th?
posted by Lyn Never at 7:52 AM on September 26, 2022 [17 favorites]
A very useful phrase I learned: boundaries are a gift. People-pleasing or mushy boundaries are often frustrating to other people who are just trying to get stuff done. Saying you can come on Saturday when actually you don't really have the time or resources to be fully present is not necessarily what normal askers want from you - tell them it'll have to be the following weekend if that's the truth. Say you can do X but not Y so they know they need to find someone to do Y NOW rather than later. If I'm trying to schedule lunch with you and you refuse to state any preferences, you're putting all the decision-making burden on me instead of sharing the work with me; it ultimately feels like you're not really interested and our relationship isn't collaborative.
When it comes to defending your values or disagreeing with people, you still need to pick and choose your moments sometimes. You may want to arm yourself with a couple of practiced phrases so you have something to use when you are startled - "I'm not sure I share that opinion" or "That's not where I stand on that" or "I can't be your ally in that" - you can still leave room to clarify if you've misunderstood, you don't have to go straight to punching them in the face though you can reserve the right to do so eventually.
The people I know who are really good at this, in both work and life, don't treat it like defending oneself from a bunch of evil bad guys determined to do them harm. They operate from a place of a) not wanting to over-promise and under-deliver, or be someone who frequently flakes/bails/pushes deadlines/phones it in b) but also draw a STOP line on the floor for people who are trying to take advantage or (and I think these are both more innocent in intent but worse to deal with sometimes) people who themselves are not very good at putting boundaries on what they will ask for from someone else.
I find that when you are operating in that zone, one of the primary things you feel is confidence in your decisions. Obviously not every decision is going to be perfect, and sometimes there is no perfect - there's just several options that all have different consequences and you're choosing the ones you are best prepared to deal with. Being more assertive does not delete social/work/family politics, it doesn't mean you can "win" every situation because sometimes there's no real win to be had, and it also doesn't control other people's feelings or responses. Being assertive does not mean other people don't get mad at you, it just means letting it happen and not changing your position. (But it also shouldn't mean EVERYONE gets mad at you! Those people are one thing, and then there's other people who are just like great, a decision, I love it, task taken care of.)
And I think an important mindset for finding that zone is coming to understand that other people have their own anxieties, priorities, trauma, personality, experiences, and communication styles and that is FINE, they are ALLOWED, but that doesn't mean you must ease their distress. Let them be upset. Let them go up the management chain and management can force you to modify your project plan to accommodate this other thing someone wants, if they're that willing to fight for it. (You will eventually learn when that's going to happen and you can pre-capitulate when you know politically you must, but still offer some resistance first.) It's also not people-pleasing to offer compromises that are reasonable to you: no, I can't do your social thing on this short notice (which you know, and you should stop asking, is not a thing you absolutely have to say out loud) but let's get together next month, how's the 12th?
posted by Lyn Never at 7:52 AM on September 26, 2022 [17 favorites]
Perennial favorite Captain Awkward has a lot of material on this - search the “boundaries” tag.
posted by matildaben at 8:47 AM on September 26, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by matildaben at 8:47 AM on September 26, 2022 [1 favorite]
My experience has been largely internal/personal. For so much of my life I had so many people telling me I was too nice, too permissive, too much of a people pleaser, etc.
So first I realized I would often make a big show of enforcing my boundaries. Until I realized I was just doing THAT to earn praise. Hilarious, right?
Over time it took lots of discomfort and practice to actually put my own needs and desires into the mix of "things I will fight for". This to me doesn't feel like becoming a different person. Instead it makes me realize that I am simply adding myself to the list of people i aim to please, and prioritizing myself in the stack. Maybe it's a mental hack, but it helped me change my behavior.
I still struggle with this, but it is my default now. I still feel like I am kind of... doing something wrong when I stick up for myself or simply think of my own needs.
Most interestingly, I spent so much time trying to stop being a people pleaser to please others (lol) that once I got good at it, I was surprised to find that there were a lot of people around me who expected me to put them first and those people were my kryptonite.
So I guess my only advice to you is: it's not a door you walk through. It's a practice that you will be good and bad at at times. The biggest help is self awareness and self compassion.
posted by pazazygeek at 9:16 AM on September 26, 2022 [4 favorites]
So first I realized I would often make a big show of enforcing my boundaries. Until I realized I was just doing THAT to earn praise. Hilarious, right?
Over time it took lots of discomfort and practice to actually put my own needs and desires into the mix of "things I will fight for". This to me doesn't feel like becoming a different person. Instead it makes me realize that I am simply adding myself to the list of people i aim to please, and prioritizing myself in the stack. Maybe it's a mental hack, but it helped me change my behavior.
I still struggle with this, but it is my default now. I still feel like I am kind of... doing something wrong when I stick up for myself or simply think of my own needs.
Most interestingly, I spent so much time trying to stop being a people pleaser to please others (lol) that once I got good at it, I was surprised to find that there were a lot of people around me who expected me to put them first and those people were my kryptonite.
So I guess my only advice to you is: it's not a door you walk through. It's a practice that you will be good and bad at at times. The biggest help is self awareness and self compassion.
posted by pazazygeek at 9:16 AM on September 26, 2022 [4 favorites]
This is a normal adult skill I have struggled with too. High fives for tackling it head-on. I agree with other commenters that when you have found the right balance, you won't feel you are being aggressive, you will feel matter-of-fact, like, argue with the weather if you must, but it's still gonna rain.
I don't know if this is super relevant, but I will say it anyway in case it is helpful. I sought therapy for several months specifically because this skill deficit was getting in the way of a challenge I needed to tackle, and in the end I surmounted that challenge. But a little bit disappointingly, in other unrelated situations I still find myself struggling with this sometimes, at least when emotions are running high. It is as though my growth was somewhat uneven and domain-specific. The difference I guess is that now that I have a big success under my belt, I have some tools I can return to and rehearse without paying for the privilege.
Another thing I would add is that I make it a habit to collect women who, in my mind, do this well. (I specify women because I agree with Dip Flash that you can't escape the effect of minority status on how this plays out, and that's my seat in the kyriarchy.) Time spent with people who accumulate grievance instead of defending their territory plainly -- that time tends to encourage my worst instincts. On the other hand, time spent watching the people I admire, the ones who take up the amount of space in the world to which they are entitled, and no more than that -- that time is an investment that encourages me to grow in the right direction.
posted by eirias at 9:28 AM on September 26, 2022 [6 favorites]
I don't know if this is super relevant, but I will say it anyway in case it is helpful. I sought therapy for several months specifically because this skill deficit was getting in the way of a challenge I needed to tackle, and in the end I surmounted that challenge. But a little bit disappointingly, in other unrelated situations I still find myself struggling with this sometimes, at least when emotions are running high. It is as though my growth was somewhat uneven and domain-specific. The difference I guess is that now that I have a big success under my belt, I have some tools I can return to and rehearse without paying for the privilege.
Another thing I would add is that I make it a habit to collect women who, in my mind, do this well. (I specify women because I agree with Dip Flash that you can't escape the effect of minority status on how this plays out, and that's my seat in the kyriarchy.) Time spent with people who accumulate grievance instead of defending their territory plainly -- that time tends to encourage my worst instincts. On the other hand, time spent watching the people I admire, the ones who take up the amount of space in the world to which they are entitled, and no more than that -- that time is an investment that encourages me to grow in the right direction.
posted by eirias at 9:28 AM on September 26, 2022 [6 favorites]
I would have a look at the Assertiveness Workbook by Randy J. Patterson. It really helped me understand the benefits of being assertive and the difference between passive aggression/aggression and actual assertiveness.
It’s a workbook, so there are a lot of activities and scripts.
posted by VirginiaPlain at 10:59 AM on September 26, 2022
It’s a workbook, so there are a lot of activities and scripts.
posted by VirginiaPlain at 10:59 AM on September 26, 2022
Response by poster: To clarify, I am male, so I am privileged in that way. I think that advice meant for women could be good for me - I was kind of brought up to always put other people first and always be ‘good’ kind of thing, which I have heard is something that many women identify with.
posted by iamsuper at 11:03 AM on September 26, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by iamsuper at 11:03 AM on September 26, 2022 [1 favorite]
I would try to recognize that boundaries are a silent thing YOU do, not something you tell others to do.
Say your boss tries to change your schedule all the time.
Not-ideal boundary setting: "Boss, I will work Saturday but I will need more notice when you change my schedule."
This isn't great, because you're telling the other person what to do, which you actually can't control, so it tends to just lead to bad feelings and conflict and the other person feeling scolded.
Better boundary setting: "I'm so sorry I'm not available on Saturday! (then suggest another extra time - one that works perfectly for you) Would it be helpful if I came in on Sunday or stayed late on Monday?"
This enforces your boundary of not working on your day off, and also makes you seem like a team player by offering other help but only in ways that DO work for you. Plus, your boss doesn't feel scolded, and sees that you're willing to help even if that one request wasn't a fit.
Say your parents start telling you that your stance on vaxxing your child is wrong.
Not-ideal boundary setting: "Don't talk to me about this because (reasons)." Or just fuming silently.
Better boundary setting: "Dad, I've made the decision that feels right for my family and it's not up for debate. If you keep bringing it up I'll end the conversation. I love visiting you so I hope not to leave abruptly, but I can't keep litigating this decision, it's been made."
Next time parent brings up vaxxing, you immediately say, in a pleasant tone, "Welp, Dad, it's been so great seeing you. We'll be heading out now, see you next time."
This is a strong message that if they talk about vaxxing, you will exit. It's not really telling them what they need to do- it's saying what YOU will do, which you have 100% control over.
I did this with my mom- I let her know that if she brought up a certain topic, I would exit the convo. It took about 3 times of me saying "Ah, I'm not willing to discuss this, I'll talk to you later, Stay well!" and then immediately hanging up the phone as she started to protest. Then she got the message and stopped bringing it up.
With people who are close to you like a partner or parent, you can tell them in advance what your new action will be ("We're not comfortable around you when you drink, so if you're drunk or start to drink, we'll leave immediately").
If it's a coworker or acquaintance, you don't have to tell them unless you want to - just do your thing. They may eventually notice the pattern and change their behaviour, or they may not.
If it's a boss I suggest NOT telling them your new boundary, because it will probably feel insubordinate. Just stick to your own preferred actions in a respectful, upbeat tone, offering other solutions that actually work for you, to show you're a team player.
Remember: You cannot control others. But you CAN control yourself. So your boundaries are about you choosing to only do things that fit within your own boundaries. A boundary is for YOU. It outlines what YOU will do, not what others will do. Boundaries are not a tool to control others - boundaries are a tool to clarify your own priorities and control yourself!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 11:43 AM on September 26, 2022 [11 favorites]
Say your boss tries to change your schedule all the time.
Not-ideal boundary setting: "Boss, I will work Saturday but I will need more notice when you change my schedule."
This isn't great, because you're telling the other person what to do, which you actually can't control, so it tends to just lead to bad feelings and conflict and the other person feeling scolded.
Better boundary setting: "I'm so sorry I'm not available on Saturday! (then suggest another extra time - one that works perfectly for you) Would it be helpful if I came in on Sunday or stayed late on Monday?"
This enforces your boundary of not working on your day off, and also makes you seem like a team player by offering other help but only in ways that DO work for you. Plus, your boss doesn't feel scolded, and sees that you're willing to help even if that one request wasn't a fit.
Say your parents start telling you that your stance on vaxxing your child is wrong.
Not-ideal boundary setting: "Don't talk to me about this because (reasons)." Or just fuming silently.
Better boundary setting: "Dad, I've made the decision that feels right for my family and it's not up for debate. If you keep bringing it up I'll end the conversation. I love visiting you so I hope not to leave abruptly, but I can't keep litigating this decision, it's been made."
Next time parent brings up vaxxing, you immediately say, in a pleasant tone, "Welp, Dad, it's been so great seeing you. We'll be heading out now, see you next time."
This is a strong message that if they talk about vaxxing, you will exit. It's not really telling them what they need to do- it's saying what YOU will do, which you have 100% control over.
I did this with my mom- I let her know that if she brought up a certain topic, I would exit the convo. It took about 3 times of me saying "Ah, I'm not willing to discuss this, I'll talk to you later, Stay well!" and then immediately hanging up the phone as she started to protest. Then she got the message and stopped bringing it up.
With people who are close to you like a partner or parent, you can tell them in advance what your new action will be ("We're not comfortable around you when you drink, so if you're drunk or start to drink, we'll leave immediately").
If it's a coworker or acquaintance, you don't have to tell them unless you want to - just do your thing. They may eventually notice the pattern and change their behaviour, or they may not.
If it's a boss I suggest NOT telling them your new boundary, because it will probably feel insubordinate. Just stick to your own preferred actions in a respectful, upbeat tone, offering other solutions that actually work for you, to show you're a team player.
Remember: You cannot control others. But you CAN control yourself. So your boundaries are about you choosing to only do things that fit within your own boundaries. A boundary is for YOU. It outlines what YOU will do, not what others will do. Boundaries are not a tool to control others - boundaries are a tool to clarify your own priorities and control yourself!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 11:43 AM on September 26, 2022 [11 favorites]
Over the years, I have counseled many, many people around this specific issue. When you start asserting yourself more, you can expect the people who are accustomed to pushover-you will up the ante by acting shocked, ratcheting up the sob story, or demanding that you act in a way that is consistent with their prior experience of you. You will be tempted to fall back into being a pushover, which is exactly what they are (usually subconsciously) trying to evoke. If you stand firm and don't revert to pushover mode, some (but probably very few) of those people will adapt to the new you. Most will up the ante even more the next time, at which point a few more will get the message and adapt. Eventually, the people who care about you will all get the message and adapt to assertive-you, while the ones who were only interested in taking advantage of you will move on to more fertile fields.
From your side, it will feel like you are overdoing the assertiveness and coming across as pushy and aggressive, especially at the start. This is perfectly normal, because being assertive is outside your comfort zone which is, by definition, uncomfortable. But just as other people will adapt over time, you too will grow more comfortable with the new you, to the point where it eventually feels totally natural.
posted by DrGail at 12:06 PM on September 26, 2022 [2 favorites]
From your side, it will feel like you are overdoing the assertiveness and coming across as pushy and aggressive, especially at the start. This is perfectly normal, because being assertive is outside your comfort zone which is, by definition, uncomfortable. But just as other people will adapt over time, you too will grow more comfortable with the new you, to the point where it eventually feels totally natural.
posted by DrGail at 12:06 PM on September 26, 2022 [2 favorites]
This is something I am also working on and learning about right now.
One insight I'll offer is that with people you're close to (like partners or very close friends), it might be helpful to mention to them that you've noticed that people pleasing is a habit for you, and that you're working on breaking that pattern. That way when you start acting differently it won't be a total surprise to them, and they might be better equipped to understand what's happening and why, and even to help support you as you practice this new way of being in the world. I've talked a lot with my partner about how people pleasing manifests for me (especially in the context of our relationship), and how and why I'm trying to handle things differently, and it's been very helpful.
If you're interested in outside resources, I really recommend the instagram account @fittingrightin, which focuses on how to stop people pleasing, how to recognize and value your own needs, and how to set healthy boundaries. Klara, who runs the account, also has a blog and a newsletter if instagram isn't your preferred format. I really recommend checking out her stuff. It definitely helped me recognize some of my own patterns, and it was comforting to see that others have similar struggles.
All the best to you on your journey!
posted by peperomia at 7:30 PM on September 26, 2022 [1 favorite]
One insight I'll offer is that with people you're close to (like partners or very close friends), it might be helpful to mention to them that you've noticed that people pleasing is a habit for you, and that you're working on breaking that pattern. That way when you start acting differently it won't be a total surprise to them, and they might be better equipped to understand what's happening and why, and even to help support you as you practice this new way of being in the world. I've talked a lot with my partner about how people pleasing manifests for me (especially in the context of our relationship), and how and why I'm trying to handle things differently, and it's been very helpful.
If you're interested in outside resources, I really recommend the instagram account @fittingrightin, which focuses on how to stop people pleasing, how to recognize and value your own needs, and how to set healthy boundaries. Klara, who runs the account, also has a blog and a newsletter if instagram isn't your preferred format. I really recommend checking out her stuff. It definitely helped me recognize some of my own patterns, and it was comforting to see that others have similar struggles.
All the best to you on your journey!
posted by peperomia at 7:30 PM on September 26, 2022 [1 favorite]
Personally? I've gone through this transition over the last few years. 44F, raised in the midwest where expectations are that women will be polite and accommodating. If someone asks you to do something, you have to, unless you have a good excuse (my mom: "my friend Edna called to go for coffee in the morning, and I don't want to, but I didn't have a reason to say no.") I'm in Florida now and the rules are different. You can't blindly say yes to requests, or god forbid, offer to help someone who hasn't even asked, if you don't want people to bleed you dry. It was really hard for a long time to change my ways, and I'm kind of sad and bitter that I can't be the "sure I'll help you!" gal I was when I moved here. Back in Illinois it would be horribly rude to interrupt someone's sentence but here with certain people you simply have to interrupt if you ever want to say anything. I eventually decided I wasn't going to accept bad behavior and was going to stand up for myself with a "you can't treat me that way anymore" attitude. And....I lost every single friend I ever had in the process. So maybe don't take my advice? But I have no regrets. Now that I finally have the clarity of all the bullshit I'd been putting up with for so long, I'm better off without all those people, even if it means being alone. At least I respect myself now.
posted by storminator7 at 10:25 PM on September 26, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by storminator7 at 10:25 PM on September 26, 2022 [2 favorites]
I just thought of recommending the Harriet Lerner books, especially The Dance of Intimacy & The Dance of Connection for how people respond sometimes.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:07 AM on September 27, 2022
posted by warriorqueen at 7:07 AM on September 27, 2022
I also found that in general going from people pleaser to assertive went over rather well. Sorta like if I actually do say something, people listen because I wouldn't have said it if it wasn't important.
posted by zengargoyle at 5:41 PM on September 28, 2022
posted by zengargoyle at 5:41 PM on September 28, 2022
One other thought is that people who have their own good boundaries tend to respect them in others. So lots of people will actually be impressed with your new vibe.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 11:39 AM on September 29, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by nouvelle-personne at 11:39 AM on September 29, 2022 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
People who benefited from your having had bad or unclear boundaries may be disappointed or pushback. However, most people in your life will adjust and accept them. Those who really love and care about you, like a close friend or kind colleague, will be so happy for you.
posted by smorgasbord at 6:08 AM on September 26, 2022 [8 favorites]