Friend died by suicide, I haven't coped with last time, too much to do
September 12, 2022 5:05 AM Subscribe
Another member of my community died by suicide last week, and I never processed another loss of a friend from 5 years ago. All three of us were marginalized in the same identities. I am looking for resources to self-care as I finish out my grad degree, as I navigate a tumultuous next three months.
First off, I am not suicidal and have no thoughts or plans of killing myself, so do not worry about that.
1) Please send me your best resources for grieving suicide. This person was not an especially close friend, but she was a one-time mentee of mine and a fun friend I had in undergrad and we were in the same community organizing spaces. I also am realizing I haven't spent the last 5 years even knowing how to mourn the suicide of a truly close friend of mine and I'm suddenly very overwhelmed. I have contacted the 988 Hotline to ask for support and doing coping mechanisms.
2) I have a thesis paper I need to write to finish my grad thesis, and I have ADHD/autism/C-PTSD related to work issues. Please send me your best friendly resources for helping an exhausted, traumatized grad student.
3) I have to start job hunting because I graduate in December. I potentially have some buffer time and my student health insurance is until March, but I honestly am feeling so drained.
4) One of my student jobs has a disastrous new boss that is literally causing harm to my colleague, so I'm really stressed from providing support there.
5) I'm terribly worried about my resilience coping with the next three months of the quarter -- I genuinely have a really bad fear that wildfire season is going to come back and disrupt our quarter again, and I also have general trauma from grad school.
I do have a therapist and a psychiatrist, I am getting my meds adjusted recently. I also have pretty bad migraines with aura, but I've been buying headache hats.
I've mostly been coping pretty well with seeking out community, watching endless amounts of fun videos, and trying to get out, but I'm honestly feeling the edge right now.
First off, I am not suicidal and have no thoughts or plans of killing myself, so do not worry about that.
1) Please send me your best resources for grieving suicide. This person was not an especially close friend, but she was a one-time mentee of mine and a fun friend I had in undergrad and we were in the same community organizing spaces. I also am realizing I haven't spent the last 5 years even knowing how to mourn the suicide of a truly close friend of mine and I'm suddenly very overwhelmed. I have contacted the 988 Hotline to ask for support and doing coping mechanisms.
2) I have a thesis paper I need to write to finish my grad thesis, and I have ADHD/autism/C-PTSD related to work issues. Please send me your best friendly resources for helping an exhausted, traumatized grad student.
3) I have to start job hunting because I graduate in December. I potentially have some buffer time and my student health insurance is until March, but I honestly am feeling so drained.
4) One of my student jobs has a disastrous new boss that is literally causing harm to my colleague, so I'm really stressed from providing support there.
5) I'm terribly worried about my resilience coping with the next three months of the quarter -- I genuinely have a really bad fear that wildfire season is going to come back and disrupt our quarter again, and I also have general trauma from grad school.
I do have a therapist and a psychiatrist, I am getting my meds adjusted recently. I also have pretty bad migraines with aura, but I've been buying headache hats.
I've mostly been coping pretty well with seeking out community, watching endless amounts of fun videos, and trying to get out, but I'm honestly feeling the edge right now.
Best answer: I am so so sorry to hear this. I’ve had a few things happen recently that made me aware I am still grieving a specific loss. It is so very hard.
My top tip is be prepared for the folks who say “let me know if I can do anything to help.” Almost all are extremely serious about the offer and not remembering how hard it is to assign tasks or request help.
So having a a list of what you need is clutch here.
This list could include:
Folding laundry
Dropping off or arranging delivery of a meal
Changing your bed sheets
Body doubling while you annotate your bibliography/write a chapter intro/format a section of thesis
Give a big long hug
Take the trash and recycling from the kitchen to the outside bins
Come over and drink hot tea with me while I cry
Now, when people ask in these situations I now pull two things from my list and ask if one is better for the asker. If their “let me know if you need anything” was NOT sincere, they might get the hint not to offer again. And odds are pretty good something gets crossed off the list.
posted by bilabial at 6:01 AM on September 12, 2022 [14 favorites]
My top tip is be prepared for the folks who say “let me know if I can do anything to help.” Almost all are extremely serious about the offer and not remembering how hard it is to assign tasks or request help.
So having a a list of what you need is clutch here.
This list could include:
Folding laundry
Dropping off or arranging delivery of a meal
Changing your bed sheets
Body doubling while you annotate your bibliography/write a chapter intro/format a section of thesis
Give a big long hug
Take the trash and recycling from the kitchen to the outside bins
Come over and drink hot tea with me while I cry
Now, when people ask in these situations I now pull two things from my list and ask if one is better for the asker. If their “let me know if you need anything” was NOT sincere, they might get the hint not to offer again. And odds are pretty good something gets crossed off the list.
posted by bilabial at 6:01 AM on September 12, 2022 [14 favorites]
Best answer: First, I'm so sorry for your loss and the pain you're in. It's completely terrible and not fair.
It's not suicide specific, but I've found a lot understanding in the book It's Ok That You're Not Ok. It doesn't sugar coat the pain and does a really good job of acknowledging that you are pain. It's especially good at reinforcing that grief is personal, so how you grieve may not be similar to the others or what society expects, and that's ok.
Be well. It's good that you're seeking resources to help you cope with the immense pain you're in.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:03 AM on September 12, 2022 [4 favorites]
It's not suicide specific, but I've found a lot understanding in the book It's Ok That You're Not Ok. It doesn't sugar coat the pain and does a really good job of acknowledging that you are pain. It's especially good at reinforcing that grief is personal, so how you grieve may not be similar to the others or what society expects, and that's ok.
Be well. It's good that you're seeking resources to help you cope with the immense pain you're in.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:03 AM on September 12, 2022 [4 favorites]
Best answer: These are my go-to recommendations, the first in particular for your situation:
I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye: Surviving, Coping and Healing After the Sudden Death of a Loved One by Brook Noel
It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand
by Megan Devine
Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations For Working Through Grief
by Martha Whitmore Hickman
posted by Lyn Never at 8:01 AM on September 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye: Surviving, Coping and Healing After the Sudden Death of a Loved One by Brook Noel
It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand
by Megan Devine
Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations For Working Through Grief
by Martha Whitmore Hickman
posted by Lyn Never at 8:01 AM on September 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Peeking in to clarify --advice like from bilabial is also welcome, so broad definition of resources and support as you interpret it, I just welcome any advice or suggestions, thank you so much.
posted by yueliang at 8:13 AM on September 12, 2022
posted by yueliang at 8:13 AM on September 12, 2022
Best answer: If you have a psychiatrist, you have a potentially disabling medical condition. This condition is flaring up and you’re finding it hard to work. The language you might be looking for is accommodations in the workplace/school environment to help.
There are occupational therapists that specialize in mental health. Your school may have disability resources. It might be time to seek those out. Maybe there’s a way to lengthen your education time and stay on health insurance.
In my experience with suicide loss it gets worse before it gets better. You need time.
I’m sorry
posted by shock muppet at 9:20 AM on September 12, 2022 [2 favorites]
There are occupational therapists that specialize in mental health. Your school may have disability resources. It might be time to seek those out. Maybe there’s a way to lengthen your education time and stay on health insurance.
In my experience with suicide loss it gets worse before it gets better. You need time.
I’m sorry
posted by shock muppet at 9:20 AM on September 12, 2022 [2 favorites]
Best answer: This is not suicide specific, but I found it very helpful.
The ball and the box.
One thing that I remind myself is that sometimes the now smaller ball gets thrown around the box at great speed, making it sting especially.
posted by bilabial at 11:51 AM on September 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
The ball and the box.
One thing that I remind myself is that sometimes the now smaller ball gets thrown around the box at great speed, making it sting especially.
posted by bilabial at 11:51 AM on September 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
Best answer: So sorry for your loss. That all sounds really tough. Regarding these two questions:
> 2) I have a thesis paper I need to write to finish my grad thesis, and I have ADHD/autism/C-PTSD related to work issues. Please send me your best friendly resources for helping an exhausted, traumatized grad student.
> 3) I have to start job hunting because I graduate in December. I potentially have some buffer time and my student health insurance is until March, but I honestly am feeling so drained.
+1 the answer from someone who suggested "body doubling." Grad school is hard, it's not something you can do alone. Both of these things might be easier if you co-worked with a friend. (i.e. casual "we're both on laptops" time at the coffee shop)
As for the grief, I wonder if you might make time to have a ritual to honor the memory of your friend who passed recently, and the one who passed away 5 years ago. You could have a wake, or a candle-lighting ceremony, or perhaps name/donate something in their honor. I find that honoring someone's memory with the things that were important to them in life can be cathartic, it may help them live on in a way.
posted by icosahedron at 12:30 PM on September 12, 2022
> 2) I have a thesis paper I need to write to finish my grad thesis, and I have ADHD/autism/C-PTSD related to work issues. Please send me your best friendly resources for helping an exhausted, traumatized grad student.
> 3) I have to start job hunting because I graduate in December. I potentially have some buffer time and my student health insurance is until March, but I honestly am feeling so drained.
+1 the answer from someone who suggested "body doubling." Grad school is hard, it's not something you can do alone. Both of these things might be easier if you co-worked with a friend. (i.e. casual "we're both on laptops" time at the coffee shop)
As for the grief, I wonder if you might make time to have a ritual to honor the memory of your friend who passed recently, and the one who passed away 5 years ago. You could have a wake, or a candle-lighting ceremony, or perhaps name/donate something in their honor. I find that honoring someone's memory with the things that were important to them in life can be cathartic, it may help them live on in a way.
posted by icosahedron at 12:30 PM on September 12, 2022
Best answer: This guide really helped me understand my grief.
I find acting out grief helps me move through it. Like I find a private place and play the saddest song on loop I know, something that reminds me of my friend. Then I let myself cry, rock, gutteral scream, destroy things, whimper, etc as big as I can. Whatever moves me. But like I'm a very bad stage actor.
I really like rituals and tokens. What about setting aside an hour each week to grieve your two friends and think of fond memories? You could write them letters, or eat favorite food in their honor, or have a special object you take out that's only theirs. Once I even carried around a handsome little stone in my pocket that reminded me of someone, it gave me comfort to touch it throughout the day.
posted by lloquat at 2:33 PM on September 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
I find acting out grief helps me move through it. Like I find a private place and play the saddest song on loop I know, something that reminds me of my friend. Then I let myself cry, rock, gutteral scream, destroy things, whimper, etc as big as I can. Whatever moves me. But like I'm a very bad stage actor.
I really like rituals and tokens. What about setting aside an hour each week to grieve your two friends and think of fond memories? You could write them letters, or eat favorite food in their honor, or have a special object you take out that's only theirs. Once I even carried around a handsome little stone in my pocket that reminded me of someone, it gave me comfort to touch it throughout the day.
posted by lloquat at 2:33 PM on September 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Can anyone act as a writing coach? to sit with you in person or online and help you organize thoughts, arrange paragraphs, etc.
I have found this factual article about suicide to be extremely helpful in my decision to just never do this, and to remember that pain is temporary. It could be too raw for you, but it is one of the most important things I've ever read. How Not to Commit Suicide, Art Kleiner.
posted by theora55 at 11:15 PM on September 12, 2022
I have found this factual article about suicide to be extremely helpful in my decision to just never do this, and to remember that pain is temporary. It could be too raw for you, but it is one of the most important things I've ever read. How Not to Commit Suicide, Art Kleiner.
posted by theora55 at 11:15 PM on September 12, 2022
Best answer: This is a lot to deal with, and it’s no wonder you’re on edge and probably feeling overwhelmed. There’s great advice above but perhaps wanted to point out a couple more things:
You probably have considered this, but can another colleague support the person who is having a hard time at one of your jobs? Can you hire an undergrad to help you out with a few things (dunno if that’s against the rules)?
It sounds like you have community, and 988 might have directed you to some local support groups for those who lost someone to suicide, but if not, maybe check those out. I’m a little hesitant to suggest because it’s yet another thing to do when you already have a lot on your plate — but perhaps having some more in-person support can help.
posted by sincerely yours at 12:11 AM on September 13, 2022
You probably have considered this, but can another colleague support the person who is having a hard time at one of your jobs? Can you hire an undergrad to help you out with a few things (dunno if that’s against the rules)?
It sounds like you have community, and 988 might have directed you to some local support groups for those who lost someone to suicide, but if not, maybe check those out. I’m a little hesitant to suggest because it’s yet another thing to do when you already have a lot on your plate — but perhaps having some more in-person support can help.
posted by sincerely yours at 12:11 AM on September 13, 2022
Response by poster: Updates: Feeling so much better today, thanks to y'all for responding and being so kind to share your advice and thoughts, they are so helpful and it helps me build my self-care/safety plan a lot better. I managed to sleep, eat, and be on the phone with old and new friends all day yesterday, and also met with my psychiatrist and added an extra therapy session this week, and am working with on campus supports, along with notifying my committee.
I also talked to the local hotline -- they told me that unfortunately the local support group is not currently running, but offered to connect me to some virtual supports, and we talked for an hour so I was able to get some specific supports from the hotline and in my area. My friend's issues with the boss got resolved because they got the appropriate supports from outside advocates so the pressure is all off there. I also did some self-care and started moving forward to taking care of bureaucratic stuff I needed to get done for school and job hunting and doing small steps, so that helped a lot.
Today, I feel a lot better and more relaxed, and I'm going to do a lot of self-care and some small amounts of work, and probably go play a video game or draw while listening to ASMR and lighting a scented candle, and I'm going to go through the resources and advice y'all provided slowly so I don't overwhelm myself. I really like the rituals and list ones a lot.
The support group services that were sent to me from 988 were these links, for anyone else interested:
ASFP - Find a Support Group
The Dinner Party
Beyond Blue - After a Suicide Loss
posted by yueliang at 12:19 PM on September 13, 2022 [3 favorites]
I also talked to the local hotline -- they told me that unfortunately the local support group is not currently running, but offered to connect me to some virtual supports, and we talked for an hour so I was able to get some specific supports from the hotline and in my area. My friend's issues with the boss got resolved because they got the appropriate supports from outside advocates so the pressure is all off there. I also did some self-care and started moving forward to taking care of bureaucratic stuff I needed to get done for school and job hunting and doing small steps, so that helped a lot.
Today, I feel a lot better and more relaxed, and I'm going to do a lot of self-care and some small amounts of work, and probably go play a video game or draw while listening to ASMR and lighting a scented candle, and I'm going to go through the resources and advice y'all provided slowly so I don't overwhelm myself. I really like the rituals and list ones a lot.
The support group services that were sent to me from 988 were these links, for anyone else interested:
ASFP - Find a Support Group
The Dinner Party
Beyond Blue - After a Suicide Loss
posted by yueliang at 12:19 PM on September 13, 2022 [3 favorites]
Thanks for following up and I'm glad you're feeling better.
posted by theora55 at 10:41 AM on September 14, 2022
posted by theora55 at 10:41 AM on September 14, 2022
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posted by yueliang at 5:07 AM on September 12, 2022 [1 favorite]