Do you prefer to live with roommates or alone?
September 11, 2022 9:05 PM Subscribe
I’m financially stable enough to live alone, but I’m wondering what I would be giving up if I were to choose to live alone. I live with a roommate now but I find myself getting antsy and wanting more space.
I LOVED living alone. I struggle a lot with caring a great deal how people perceive me, and living alone for the first time in my life was immensely beneficial for me to figure out who I really was without the influence (intentional or not) of anyone else around. I also took a certain amount of pride in having my living space exactly how I wanted it, without having to compromise for the sake of anyone else. Even when I’m cohabitating with a romantic partner I sometimes find myself wanting my own space so I can really be as weird as I want to be, lol.
As a young woman living alone I did have to be a bit more careful, or least more intentional, about personal safety - things like making sure the doors were locked at night, letting a friend know if I was going out with a new person so they could check in with me later that evening, and so on. Overall, I would definitely give it a try if you can swing it financially - you can always find another roommate situation later on if you find you prefer communal living!
posted by btfreek at 10:12 PM on September 11, 2022 [19 favorites]
As a young woman living alone I did have to be a bit more careful, or least more intentional, about personal safety - things like making sure the doors were locked at night, letting a friend know if I was going out with a new person so they could check in with me later that evening, and so on. Overall, I would definitely give it a try if you can swing it financially - you can always find another roommate situation later on if you find you prefer communal living!
posted by btfreek at 10:12 PM on September 11, 2022 [19 favorites]
100% depends on the roommate. I’ve lived with my best friend for years and through multiple locations (and states!) and part of the reason is that we are compatible in ways that roommates typically are not. Both of us could financially handle living alone but we don’t.
However, a while back I started bugging him that we should buy a house because we needed the space. We found a house after a lot of looking that allowed us to have bedrooms on different floors and rooms for each of us to have a separate workspace. We still squabble about kitchen stuff and chores and all but it’s amazing to have the room for all our books and different collections and tools.
If we hadn’t gambled on this house I’m not sure we would still be living together. I’m sure that if I did live alone these days I would be hopelessly lonely most of the time because I like cat-style being in the same space but not interacting much socializing, and my roommate does too, but if I lived alone I would have to make effort to just go be alongside people.
However, if you’ve never lived alone and you don’t have a ride-or-die bestie, giving it a try can be very illuminating. In the brief period I lived alone I figured out a lot of things about my priorities and preferences. I did get very anxious about possible disaster scenarios though, and if I need to live alone again I will make a huge effort to befriend my neighbors.
posted by Mizu at 10:18 PM on September 11, 2022 [9 favorites]
However, a while back I started bugging him that we should buy a house because we needed the space. We found a house after a lot of looking that allowed us to have bedrooms on different floors and rooms for each of us to have a separate workspace. We still squabble about kitchen stuff and chores and all but it’s amazing to have the room for all our books and different collections and tools.
If we hadn’t gambled on this house I’m not sure we would still be living together. I’m sure that if I did live alone these days I would be hopelessly lonely most of the time because I like cat-style being in the same space but not interacting much socializing, and my roommate does too, but if I lived alone I would have to make effort to just go be alongside people.
However, if you’ve never lived alone and you don’t have a ride-or-die bestie, giving it a try can be very illuminating. In the brief period I lived alone I figured out a lot of things about my priorities and preferences. I did get very anxious about possible disaster scenarios though, and if I need to live alone again I will make a huge effort to befriend my neighbors.
posted by Mizu at 10:18 PM on September 11, 2022 [9 favorites]
It depends on your own personality and preferences. Living alone can be wonderful if you enjoy solitude and don't get lonely easily.
I loved living alone. It was wonderful to be able to focus on my own thoughts for an extended period of time without interruption.
Also, I personally find it incredibly soothing to wake up alone on a Saturday morning and make myself a pleasant little breakfast without having to accommodate, interact with, or answer to another person in any way.
I echo what others have said about living alone helping me both learn about myself and become more of myself.
posted by aquamvidam at 12:02 AM on September 12, 2022 [9 favorites]
I loved living alone. It was wonderful to be able to focus on my own thoughts for an extended period of time without interruption.
Also, I personally find it incredibly soothing to wake up alone on a Saturday morning and make myself a pleasant little breakfast without having to accommodate, interact with, or answer to another person in any way.
I echo what others have said about living alone helping me both learn about myself and become more of myself.
posted by aquamvidam at 12:02 AM on September 12, 2022 [9 favorites]
I've lived alone most of my life and I love it, aside from the cost. I love coming home to a quiet, empty house and not seeing another person until I choose to.
posted by Chrysalis at 1:07 AM on September 12, 2022 [7 favorites]
posted by Chrysalis at 1:07 AM on September 12, 2022 [7 favorites]
Yeah, mostly living alone. There was growing up at home, and university with the associated other people in the space. A bit off and on that way. That first summer I spent alone working graveyard shifts flipped a switch and lured me into really liking being alone and being up and awake during the darkness of night when all is quiet and nobody is around. The few other times during my 20's when I had roommates tended to be large space and the same way, easy enough to be in and out and get things done without disturbing roommates and mostly just having a few hours here and there where we're all up and awake and socializing and such but still very much different schedules.
I have a feeling that even if I had a SO, we might have separate rooms or at least beds in a quiet room because I'm likely to do things like take a shower or start cooking or do dishes or laundry at 3am or something and be zonked out asleep at noon. I'm pretty quiet, and enjoy the silence. But it would have to be the right sort of living arrangements to have a roommate versus living alone. Could work, depends on the roommate(s).
posted by zengargoyle at 2:09 AM on September 12, 2022
I have a feeling that even if I had a SO, we might have separate rooms or at least beds in a quiet room because I'm likely to do things like take a shower or start cooking or do dishes or laundry at 3am or something and be zonked out asleep at noon. I'm pretty quiet, and enjoy the silence. But it would have to be the right sort of living arrangements to have a roommate versus living alone. Could work, depends on the roommate(s).
posted by zengargoyle at 2:09 AM on September 12, 2022
I've lived alone most of my life and I love it, aside from the cost. I love coming home to a quiet, empty house and not seeing another person until I choose to.
This very much.
Having said that, I am not tidy by nature. Living alone has sometimes resulted in things getting quite untidy, not least because a) living alone you generally create less dirt to stay on top of because there is only one person using things i.e. can clean less frequently, b) there is nobody who'd mind if stuff gets piled somewhere unless you yourself mind.
So if you know this about yourself, or learn about yourself through trying to live alone, think about little routines you can implement to stay on top of things.
posted by koahiatamadl at 2:33 AM on September 12, 2022 [4 favorites]
This very much.
Having said that, I am not tidy by nature. Living alone has sometimes resulted in things getting quite untidy, not least because a) living alone you generally create less dirt to stay on top of because there is only one person using things i.e. can clean less frequently, b) there is nobody who'd mind if stuff gets piled somewhere unless you yourself mind.
So if you know this about yourself, or learn about yourself through trying to live alone, think about little routines you can implement to stay on top of things.
posted by koahiatamadl at 2:33 AM on September 12, 2022 [4 favorites]
Living alone is fantastic. Living with lovers has some benefits, but I'd give anything to avoid ever living with platonic roommates again. The constant awareness of someone else's presence is a burden you don't really notice until it's gone. But it's such a relief when it's gone! (My experience might not be typical, as an introverted, not entirely neurotypical only child.)
posted by eotvos at 2:38 AM on September 12, 2022 [9 favorites]
posted by eotvos at 2:38 AM on September 12, 2022 [9 favorites]
I’ve lived alone, with platonic roommates, and with a partner. Roommates is the one I’d never do again - for me personally, that situation has zero upsides over living alone other than saving money. When I went from roommates to living alone I didn’t feel that I had given anything up at all.
But it’s down to individual likes and dislikes, and for you to be asking, I’m guessing there’s something you’ve liked about roommates. Maybe think about what that is and what you can do to replicate it?
posted by Stacey at 4:02 AM on September 12, 2022
But it’s down to individual likes and dislikes, and for you to be asking, I’m guessing there’s something you’ve liked about roommates. Maybe think about what that is and what you can do to replicate it?
posted by Stacey at 4:02 AM on September 12, 2022
It strongly, strongly depends on the roommate and your unique personality, and your unique history.
My roommate and I get along FANTASTICALLY. However, the pandemic shoved us into each others' pockets at an unusually high close-up-and-personal level, and then we each had health issues that the other had to help with and that pushed us into further close-up experiences. And we both kind of deal with "excess of close-up-and-personal" by craving solitude. So - if you'd asked me this question back in December of 2019, I'd have said "yeah, roommates can be great," but now I'm saying "roommates can be great but I wanna try living alone". (Fortunately if he moved out I would be able to take this place over, which also helps.)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:10 AM on September 12, 2022 [3 favorites]
My roommate and I get along FANTASTICALLY. However, the pandemic shoved us into each others' pockets at an unusually high close-up-and-personal level, and then we each had health issues that the other had to help with and that pushed us into further close-up experiences. And we both kind of deal with "excess of close-up-and-personal" by craving solitude. So - if you'd asked me this question back in December of 2019, I'd have said "yeah, roommates can be great," but now I'm saying "roommates can be great but I wanna try living alone". (Fortunately if he moved out I would be able to take this place over, which also helps.)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:10 AM on September 12, 2022 [3 favorites]
I prefer living with a housemate for social reasons but the key thing for me is that we live on different floors so that when we're feeling social we can hang out with each other but also have a separate zone to be in while we're in the mood to be alone. For me it's not just a socal thing though, I travel a lot and having someone around when I'm gone for extended periods of time is a good thing.
posted by Candleman at 4:32 AM on September 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Candleman at 4:32 AM on September 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
Roommate, assuming they're canine.
posted by dobbs at 4:47 AM on September 12, 2022 [13 favorites]
posted by dobbs at 4:47 AM on September 12, 2022 [13 favorites]
I love living alone, but it's also true that I have an easier time staying away from depression and not falling way behind on cleanliness and neatness and maintenance and so on when I live around people.
posted by trig at 4:55 AM on September 12, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by trig at 4:55 AM on September 12, 2022 [6 favorites]
The bad part of living alone is that I can do exactly what I want, any time I want.
Wait did I say bad part
posted by phunniemee at 5:42 AM on September 12, 2022 [7 favorites]
Wait did I say bad part
posted by phunniemee at 5:42 AM on September 12, 2022 [7 favorites]
I’m wondering what I would be giving up if I were to choose to live alone.
Somebody else's filthy dishes balanced in a huge precarious pile next to the kitchen sink, with the occasional visible maggot working the bottom layers.
Somebody else's stubble stuck to the inside of the bathroom handbasin with somebody else's toothpaste spit.
Somebody else's damp and reeking gym shoes abandoned on the living room couch.
The cold, creeping, clammy touch of somebody else's spilt bong water soaking up into your underpants from the cushions of the living room chair.
Somebody else's toenails scattered randomly across the hallway floor.
Multiple generations of somebody else's skidmarks decorating the inside of the toilet bowl, along with somebody else's rotting urine puddle seeping out from underneath it.
Somebody else's pile of unwashed clothes concealing somebody else's half-eaten plate of salmon lasagne that went missing three weeks ago.
Shivering in the dark after somebody else failed to pay the electricity bill as promised a month ago.
The reek of somebody else's unwashed bedding and overflowing ashtrays seeping out from behind their bedroom door at ever-increasing strength.
Or, possibly, the presence of somebody else who has hitherto been willing to do whatever it took to prevent any of the above from escalating past intolerable proportions.
posted by flabdablet at 5:43 AM on September 12, 2022 [9 favorites]
Somebody else's filthy dishes balanced in a huge precarious pile next to the kitchen sink, with the occasional visible maggot working the bottom layers.
Somebody else's stubble stuck to the inside of the bathroom handbasin with somebody else's toothpaste spit.
Somebody else's damp and reeking gym shoes abandoned on the living room couch.
The cold, creeping, clammy touch of somebody else's spilt bong water soaking up into your underpants from the cushions of the living room chair.
Somebody else's toenails scattered randomly across the hallway floor.
Multiple generations of somebody else's skidmarks decorating the inside of the toilet bowl, along with somebody else's rotting urine puddle seeping out from underneath it.
Somebody else's pile of unwashed clothes concealing somebody else's half-eaten plate of salmon lasagne that went missing three weeks ago.
Shivering in the dark after somebody else failed to pay the electricity bill as promised a month ago.
The reek of somebody else's unwashed bedding and overflowing ashtrays seeping out from behind their bedroom door at ever-increasing strength.
Or, possibly, the presence of somebody else who has hitherto been willing to do whatever it took to prevent any of the above from escalating past intolerable proportions.
posted by flabdablet at 5:43 AM on September 12, 2022 [9 favorites]
Almost forgot: somebody else's whole raw chicken, which for the last month has been slowly dripping through the shelf bars right at the back of the fridge.
posted by flabdablet at 5:50 AM on September 12, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by flabdablet at 5:50 AM on September 12, 2022 [3 favorites]
If you live by yourself, you will sometimes be alone when you'd rather not be alone.
If you live with a roommate, you will sometimes not be alone when you'd rather be alone.
Which worst-case scenario sounds better?
For me, that was all the clarity I needed when deciding whether to pay extra for the privilege of not having roommates. It is sometimes a bummer for me personally to be alone involuntarily, but it is often excruciating to not be able to easily be alone when I want to be. Your mileage may vary. But basically, no living situation will be perfect so the question is which failure mode sounds better to you.
posted by babelfish at 6:34 AM on September 12, 2022 [10 favorites]
If you live with a roommate, you will sometimes not be alone when you'd rather be alone.
Which worst-case scenario sounds better?
For me, that was all the clarity I needed when deciding whether to pay extra for the privilege of not having roommates. It is sometimes a bummer for me personally to be alone involuntarily, but it is often excruciating to not be able to easily be alone when I want to be. Your mileage may vary. But basically, no living situation will be perfect so the question is which failure mode sounds better to you.
posted by babelfish at 6:34 AM on September 12, 2022 [10 favorites]
My only experiences with roommates was from basically neutral to slightly negative. I've never had the amazing roommate connection that Mizu describes, but also was lucky enough to never have a nightmare situation. So just based on my own experience, I'd generally opt for alone over roommate, but without super strong feelings in the matter.
I think my actual perfect situation would be to combine the best parts of alone and roommates by having a small apartment with my own bathroom and kitchen, but in a communal setting. Basically, like having roommates but without the kitchen sharing and negotiation. (This is just theoretical to me, I've never actually tried living in this kind of setting.)
I've also read quite a few articles lately about people who, later in life, set up platonic roommate/house-sharing kinds of situations rather than attempting to find and cohabit with a sexual partner. I can see that looking increasingly appealing over the years, especially if you had the resources to set things up in a comfortable way.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:05 AM on September 12, 2022
I think my actual perfect situation would be to combine the best parts of alone and roommates by having a small apartment with my own bathroom and kitchen, but in a communal setting. Basically, like having roommates but without the kitchen sharing and negotiation. (This is just theoretical to me, I've never actually tried living in this kind of setting.)
I've also read quite a few articles lately about people who, later in life, set up platonic roommate/house-sharing kinds of situations rather than attempting to find and cohabit with a sexual partner. I can see that looking increasingly appealing over the years, especially if you had the resources to set things up in a comfortable way.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:05 AM on September 12, 2022
I've lived alone for the last 20 years after 10 with roommates... and no way would I go back. I need my space, the ability to be as messy or loud as I want, or have quiet. Having 4-legged companions is a necessity for me though. They don't care if I leave dishes in the sink, forget to take out the trash or have mold growing on leftovers in the fridge.
However, I may have stumbled across the best situation - awesome neighbours. People you get along with, will probably see a lot and hang out with assuming they also want to see you, people you trust to watch the house when you're gone, but you can still have your space and pile of gross dishes.
posted by cgg at 7:15 AM on September 12, 2022 [5 favorites]
However, I may have stumbled across the best situation - awesome neighbours. People you get along with, will probably see a lot and hang out with assuming they also want to see you, people you trust to watch the house when you're gone, but you can still have your space and pile of gross dishes.
posted by cgg at 7:15 AM on September 12, 2022 [5 favorites]
The only actively pleasant roommate experience I have ever had is when I lived with my ride or die for a couple of years. Oh, I guess technically my mother was also an actively pleasant roommate as I lived with her for a year and a half as an adult.
I've been living alone for the past 4 years and it's much preferable to a random roommate. I value a quiet and orderly living space.
posted by rhymedirective at 7:58 AM on September 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
I've been living alone for the past 4 years and it's much preferable to a random roommate. I value a quiet and orderly living space.
posted by rhymedirective at 7:58 AM on September 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
The only time in my life that I have lived alone was the 18 months after my husband died. I can't know how much of my experience was due to grief, but I found that my executive dysfunction and tendency to spiral into anxiety was far worse while living alone.
There are times I want to BE alone, which was true while I was married. I like having a room that my roommate never comes into, it used to bug me when my husband would follow me into every room when I just wanted to sit and read by myself. But I want that comfort of knowing that even if my roommate is away at the moment, the aloneness is temporary.
Relevant background: I have a very small set of people I have cohabited with, I had my family for 24 years, my husband for 18, and now my non-romantic roommate who I actually met at the same time as my husband. I have never cohabited with someone without some pre-existing level of trust and friendship.
posted by buildmyworld at 8:17 AM on September 12, 2022
There are times I want to BE alone, which was true while I was married. I like having a room that my roommate never comes into, it used to bug me when my husband would follow me into every room when I just wanted to sit and read by myself. But I want that comfort of knowing that even if my roommate is away at the moment, the aloneness is temporary.
Relevant background: I have a very small set of people I have cohabited with, I had my family for 24 years, my husband for 18, and now my non-romantic roommate who I actually met at the same time as my husband. I have never cohabited with someone without some pre-existing level of trust and friendship.
posted by buildmyworld at 8:17 AM on September 12, 2022
I think my ideal would be my own kitchen, bathroom, and quiet bedroom, but a shared living space. Company can be nice but as other commenters have mentioned, I hate other people's dirty dishes, other people's splattered oil on the stove, other people using stuff up and not replacing it or letting me know, and other people's bathroom detritus.
posted by needs more cowbell at 8:43 AM on September 12, 2022
posted by needs more cowbell at 8:43 AM on September 12, 2022
I have always preferred to live on my own (with the exception of my current long term partner). I've had roommates who were friends, acquaintances and strangers. My best roommate was a stranger and was basically ideal (quite, mature, respectful, and only there about half the time). But as soon as financially feasible, I sought out my own place. I need that feeling of total privacy to recharge and be comfortable. I love having control of everything in my space to suit my preferences. I do realize that might have been challenging in a situation of complete isolation like the pandemic, but in "normal" times it was 100% what I needed.
posted by kimdog at 9:04 AM on September 12, 2022
posted by kimdog at 9:04 AM on September 12, 2022
I think sometimes folks think about living situations as a clear dichotomy: cramped, small apartment with roommates around all the time or nice, big living space solo or with a partner where you invest in having nice things. But if you’re financially able to swing living solo, you have more options for your living space where it’s size or decorating it the way that lets you feel like home.
One of my best roommate situations involved some two lovely people who travelled enough or were with nearby family enough that I averaged a week/month with the place to myself to recharge, which was a great ratio for me. We were living in a duplex where I took the primary bedroom which had its own bathroom + the room was up half a flight of stairs which made it more private and separated from the other two bedrooms a bit. The living room was quite large and accommodated a couple of desks / project tables in addition to couches and a TV. Admittedly, one of the keys to our cohabitating bliss was putting some of our savings from living together into paying cleaners to come by once a month so we didn’t fight over cleaning the bathrooms and kitchen.
I think it was a better situation for me than living solo, but searching for that would be very hard and I probably would end up living alone (or with furry friends) if I did a similar search today.
posted by A Blue Moon at 9:54 AM on September 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
One of my best roommate situations involved some two lovely people who travelled enough or were with nearby family enough that I averaged a week/month with the place to myself to recharge, which was a great ratio for me. We were living in a duplex where I took the primary bedroom which had its own bathroom + the room was up half a flight of stairs which made it more private and separated from the other two bedrooms a bit. The living room was quite large and accommodated a couple of desks / project tables in addition to couches and a TV. Admittedly, one of the keys to our cohabitating bliss was putting some of our savings from living together into paying cleaners to come by once a month so we didn’t fight over cleaning the bathrooms and kitchen.
I think it was a better situation for me than living solo, but searching for that would be very hard and I probably would end up living alone (or with furry friends) if I did a similar search today.
posted by A Blue Moon at 9:54 AM on September 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
I've lived with three different partners, 4 different roommates, and family. Betweenwhiles I have also spent a total of about 4-5 years living alone. (What can I say, I'm old and my life is a disaster.)
I like living alone so much that despite being in an extremely happy and satisfying relationship for a couple years now, I have no intention of cohabitating again. I love my partner dearly and enjoy spending time with him but I was so tremendously burned by my last cohabitation circumstances that I still, even three years later, find myself reflexively panicking when I put the "wrong" mug in the dishwasher or invite my mother over for a visit without asking permission (before I remember--asking who? Ain't nobody here but me).
Now, this is all a little unfair because I cannot imagine a world in which my current partner would give a shit about either of those things--he is a pretty lax housekeeper who'd be happy to let me dictate the cleaning parameters, and he is even more fond of hosting than I am. And obviously, if some dire circumstances mean that one or the other of us cannot possibly afford to live alone, I would be willing to reconsider. But so long as it is economically feasible I'd much rather keep my own little sanctuary, where everything is just as I prefer it.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:13 AM on September 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
I like living alone so much that despite being in an extremely happy and satisfying relationship for a couple years now, I have no intention of cohabitating again. I love my partner dearly and enjoy spending time with him but I was so tremendously burned by my last cohabitation circumstances that I still, even three years later, find myself reflexively panicking when I put the "wrong" mug in the dishwasher or invite my mother over for a visit without asking permission (before I remember--asking who? Ain't nobody here but me).
Now, this is all a little unfair because I cannot imagine a world in which my current partner would give a shit about either of those things--he is a pretty lax housekeeper who'd be happy to let me dictate the cleaning parameters, and he is even more fond of hosting than I am. And obviously, if some dire circumstances mean that one or the other of us cannot possibly afford to live alone, I would be willing to reconsider. But so long as it is economically feasible I'd much rather keep my own little sanctuary, where everything is just as I prefer it.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:13 AM on September 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
I lived with roommates through college and my early twenties, then with my husband for 15 years, and now have lived alone for nearly four years.
Living alone is really, really great. It's so peaceful. The only time I ever crave a live-in companion is usually right after work when I often wish I had someone with whom to debrief the day, share in the cooking and eating of dinner, and maybe watch a little TV or go for a walk, but that's truly it. It is more than balanced out by the freedom to decorate the way I want, control the thermostat the way I want, engage a cleaning or lawn service if I see fit, sleep when and where and how I need to, never interact with anyone else's messes, and so on. I can be kinda territorial and have always hated other people sowing chaos or disorder in "my" space (usually just by virtue of being there lol) so this just suits me way better.
I have a new partner now and we often talk about how the only way we think we could live "together" is if we got a duplex where we each had our own side and could just visit the other person's space as desired.
posted by anderjen at 11:10 AM on September 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
Living alone is really, really great. It's so peaceful. The only time I ever crave a live-in companion is usually right after work when I often wish I had someone with whom to debrief the day, share in the cooking and eating of dinner, and maybe watch a little TV or go for a walk, but that's truly it. It is more than balanced out by the freedom to decorate the way I want, control the thermostat the way I want, engage a cleaning or lawn service if I see fit, sleep when and where and how I need to, never interact with anyone else's messes, and so on. I can be kinda territorial and have always hated other people sowing chaos or disorder in "my" space (usually just by virtue of being there lol) so this just suits me way better.
I have a new partner now and we often talk about how the only way we think we could live "together" is if we got a duplex where we each had our own side and could just visit the other person's space as desired.
posted by anderjen at 11:10 AM on September 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I wfh as well. I wonder if that makes a difference
posted by sheepishchiffon at 11:58 AM on September 12, 2022
posted by sheepishchiffon at 11:58 AM on September 12, 2022
FWIW I also work from home and have done for over a decade. I worked from home while cohabitating with a partner who left for an office every day, and that was more or less all right, except that again, my "quiet focus time" ended on HIS schedule, not mine. Working from home with someone else around all the time would drive me bananapants.
If you are a person who needs dedicated daily socializing, then WFH and living alone would mean you would have to very much prioritize creating that opportunity, either through a class or dating or becoming a regular at some place after work.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 1:29 PM on September 12, 2022
If you are a person who needs dedicated daily socializing, then WFH and living alone would mean you would have to very much prioritize creating that opportunity, either through a class or dating or becoming a regular at some place after work.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 1:29 PM on September 12, 2022
I have lived:
1. With a terrible roommate who hated me in the same room (college) - awful and soulcrushing.
2. With semi-decent roommates in a suite in which I had my own bedroom (college and house-sharing after college) - much, much preferable but still kind of annoying. Good for social life, but the more people, the more disagreements and more turn-taking of common areas. But as long as I had my own room to hide in and the people I was with were somewhat tolerable, this was okay for a longish period of time. I think the key is the equality factor - you're not in someone else's place, you're all in a co-op situation.
3. In my boyfriend's apartment - nice at first, bad after a few months because it was "his" place and I had no housing security or equality. Also, I did more housework.
4. In my own apartment - glorious for the most part. I decorated my way, took care of myself, and had people "around" - downsides: felt MUCH less safe as a single young woman living alone in an apartment, with several episodes that lead me to believe this was not an unfounded fear. (would not suggest living on the ground floor).
5. In a medium sized house with my ex husband but we were DINKS and both worked out of the home (CRUCIAL) - Really nice. Felt secure, equal. We were in love. It was honestly probably the happiest time of my life.
6. In a small house with my ex husband during covid but I was unemployed and he worked from home and we had a baby - bad verging on awful. Seriously intolerable.
7. In a large house by myself, post divorce - wonderful at first, now can be lonely. Houses are a lot of work to maintain by oneself and most people assume I have a husband to help. Feels much safer than an apartment, though.
I almost forgot:
8. With my parents - As a teenager, as an adult, anytime really - horrible. Would not recommend ever for pretty much any reason.
posted by stockpuppet at 1:34 PM on September 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
1. With a terrible roommate who hated me in the same room (college) - awful and soulcrushing.
2. With semi-decent roommates in a suite in which I had my own bedroom (college and house-sharing after college) - much, much preferable but still kind of annoying. Good for social life, but the more people, the more disagreements and more turn-taking of common areas. But as long as I had my own room to hide in and the people I was with were somewhat tolerable, this was okay for a longish period of time. I think the key is the equality factor - you're not in someone else's place, you're all in a co-op situation.
3. In my boyfriend's apartment - nice at first, bad after a few months because it was "his" place and I had no housing security or equality. Also, I did more housework.
4. In my own apartment - glorious for the most part. I decorated my way, took care of myself, and had people "around" - downsides: felt MUCH less safe as a single young woman living alone in an apartment, with several episodes that lead me to believe this was not an unfounded fear. (would not suggest living on the ground floor).
5. In a medium sized house with my ex husband but we were DINKS and both worked out of the home (CRUCIAL) - Really nice. Felt secure, equal. We were in love. It was honestly probably the happiest time of my life.
6. In a small house with my ex husband during covid but I was unemployed and he worked from home and we had a baby - bad verging on awful. Seriously intolerable.
7. In a large house by myself, post divorce - wonderful at first, now can be lonely. Houses are a lot of work to maintain by oneself and most people assume I have a husband to help. Feels much safer than an apartment, though.
I almost forgot:
8. With my parents - As a teenager, as an adult, anytime really - horrible. Would not recommend ever for pretty much any reason.
posted by stockpuppet at 1:34 PM on September 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
I've lived alone, lived with school "friends", lived with strangers, lived with a complete narcissist, lived with a boyfriend, lived with a husband (briefly, thank god).
Of all of those things - living alone was vastly better. It has much to recommend it, like not having to share the remote, not having to compromise when ordering out, nobody to care if you leave the dishes for tomorrow (or the next day), nobody to complain if you hang out in the living room in your underwear.
But now - for the past 15 years(ish) - I live with friends who are like family, who I genuinely enjoy spending most evenings with and cooking with and sharing space and chores and life with. And that is orders of magnitude better than living alone. Sharing the remote with these people is not such a bad compromise (they mostly want to watch what I want to watch anyway), they each do a third of the chores that I don't like to do, and when I hang out in the living room in my underwear they ... okay, I still don't do that, but if I did, I bet they'd find it hilarious.
Which is a long-winded way of saying it's better to live alone, until you find the right people to live with. And then, living with them is better.
posted by invincible summer at 4:21 PM on September 12, 2022 [5 favorites]
Of all of those things - living alone was vastly better. It has much to recommend it, like not having to share the remote, not having to compromise when ordering out, nobody to care if you leave the dishes for tomorrow (or the next day), nobody to complain if you hang out in the living room in your underwear.
But now - for the past 15 years(ish) - I live with friends who are like family, who I genuinely enjoy spending most evenings with and cooking with and sharing space and chores and life with. And that is orders of magnitude better than living alone. Sharing the remote with these people is not such a bad compromise (they mostly want to watch what I want to watch anyway), they each do a third of the chores that I don't like to do, and when I hang out in the living room in my underwear they ... okay, I still don't do that, but if I did, I bet they'd find it hilarious.
Which is a long-winded way of saying it's better to live alone, until you find the right people to live with. And then, living with them is better.
posted by invincible summer at 4:21 PM on September 12, 2022 [5 favorites]
After living with others my whole life (family, roommates, ex partner) I have found living alone to be so restful! I never have to worry that I am in someone else’s way and when I come home everything is where I left it. I also get to decide all on my own if I want to have guests or whatever. I didn’t realize how much I had a constant low-level sense that my presence was impinging on other people until it wasn’t.
Caveat: I go to the office. If I worked from home and saw no one else ever, I’d feel feral pretty quick.
posted by Argyle Road at 8:10 PM on September 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
Caveat: I go to the office. If I worked from home and saw no one else ever, I’d feel feral pretty quick.
posted by Argyle Road at 8:10 PM on September 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
I'm an introvert and used to think that living alone would be wonderful, but when I tried it for a year in college it went so badly that I haven't done it since (and it's been nearly 20 years).
It was like what buildmyworld said upthread, my executive function became so bad and my anxiety spiraled and my social anxiety combined with all of that to turn me into an anxious dysfunctional hermit. I suppose I was lucky after that to have had a series of average-to-good roommates - certainly none of them were remotely worse than living alone was for me. Now I live with my spouse and kids and it's lovely.
posted by omnie at 9:33 PM on September 12, 2022
It was like what buildmyworld said upthread, my executive function became so bad and my anxiety spiraled and my social anxiety combined with all of that to turn me into an anxious dysfunctional hermit. I suppose I was lucky after that to have had a series of average-to-good roommates - certainly none of them were remotely worse than living alone was for me. Now I live with my spouse and kids and it's lovely.
posted by omnie at 9:33 PM on September 12, 2022
Maybe if you don’t dream about living alone all the time, you are not built for it. I’m married and have to take some separate vacations because otherwise I would die.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 5:19 PM on September 13, 2022
posted by Lesser Shrew at 5:19 PM on September 13, 2022
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I think what different people want out of their living situation varies, but for me, I really like the dynamic we have with our current roommate. that said, finding that dynamic is more luck than anything, so often the default is simply to live alone, unless I'm very very sure (we had a roommate before this one that was a bit of a dud, though honestly even that was fine...no major drama, but they definitely detracted from our space whereas the current roommate really adds to it)
one options, depending on your financial situation and where you live, is to live alone but get a 2 bedroom (not really practical in a lot of cities, but it depends). if you find you don't like it, you can find a roommate.
no matter what you choose, if you live alone and end up not liking it, it's good to remember that you can always live with a roommate again in the future!
posted by wooh at 9:13 PM on September 11, 2022 [4 favorites]