Coming back after a near miss
September 4, 2022 12:02 AM Subscribe
A few months ago I had an accident and injured myself while engaging in a somewhat risky physical sport. I’ve made a nearly full recovery physically, but lately I’ve been a little freaked out about how easily that accident could have been life-altering, or even life-ending. How do I deal with these feelings in a healthy way?
The injury was spine-related and left me with pain and limited mobility for months, and it’s only recently that I’ve been able to really get back to “normal”. During the more immediate parts of my recovery, I think I was occupied enough just getting through the day, but as the physical effects recede, I keep flashing back to the moments right before it happened, and how I could have avoided it - or how it could have been much, much, worse.
The “accident” was 99.9% due to mistakes I made as an overconfident not-quite-beginner. I haven’t returned to the sport and I’m not quite sure I want to - even looking at my equipment for it makes me a little uncomfortable. The feeling has started creeping into other hobbies I have as well; riding my bike down a gentle descent had my heart racing and left me shaky afterwards. How do I strike a balance between taking appropriate precautions and still enjoying physical activities, knowing that there is at least a little risk inherent in everything I might do?
The injury was spine-related and left me with pain and limited mobility for months, and it’s only recently that I’ve been able to really get back to “normal”. During the more immediate parts of my recovery, I think I was occupied enough just getting through the day, but as the physical effects recede, I keep flashing back to the moments right before it happened, and how I could have avoided it - or how it could have been much, much, worse.
The “accident” was 99.9% due to mistakes I made as an overconfident not-quite-beginner. I haven’t returned to the sport and I’m not quite sure I want to - even looking at my equipment for it makes me a little uncomfortable. The feeling has started creeping into other hobbies I have as well; riding my bike down a gentle descent had my heart racing and left me shaky afterwards. How do I strike a balance between taking appropriate precautions and still enjoying physical activities, knowing that there is at least a little risk inherent in everything I might do?
Therapy, the sooner the better.
posted by bluedaisy at 2:13 AM on September 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by bluedaisy at 2:13 AM on September 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
Recently on the myotherapy table I've started re-experiencing fully detailed flashbacks to various past incidents where I've inflicted overwhelming pain on myself via accidental blunt force trauma.
These flashbacks take my whole awareness completely out of the present moment and put it right back inside the traumatic experiences (for example, that time I smashed my thigh onto the top of a steel roadside railing or the fall that snapped my radius and ulna as a seven-year-old).
The nature of the flashbacks is fully consistent with recounts I've read of those associated with PTSD, so I'm pretty convinced that the same underlying recall mechanisms are involved. But unlike with PTSD, mine have never been spontaneous nor intrusive; it took deliberate and focused investigation of the places where my musculature has been hiding their physical consequences to dig them out.
Having gained that access I've been taking the opportunity to recall and re-store the experiences as ordinary memories rather than the unedited, indiscriminate emergency drafts that they currently seem to be. As that work proceeds, I find that I'm hurting less in ways I'd forgotten were actually possible.
The conclusion I've drawn from all this is that treatments designed to help with PTSD can be really useful even in cases where the response to a traumatic stressor hasn't brought on anything even vaguely resembling disorder, and that anybody who has experienced sudden damage might well benefit from these kinds of treatment regardless of where they've ended up on the gradient from apparently fine to totally overwhelmed. Trauma has consequences and there's no need to deny ourselves opportunities for effective treatment of those for no better reason than being unable to self-justify a PTSD diagnosis.
as the physical effects recede, I keep flashing back to the moments right before it happened, and how I could have avoided it - or how it could have been much, much, worse
I recommend, when you judge you're ready, that you find a safe way to flash back to the exact moment right as it happened, so that instead of what the incident has left you with remaining a fear-triggering mystery encysted inside a wall of protective tension, you can fully integrate it as just another part of your history. And I strongly recommend finding a trauma-informed therapist, working in a modality that specifically suits you, to help with that.
posted by flabdablet at 4:49 AM on September 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
These flashbacks take my whole awareness completely out of the present moment and put it right back inside the traumatic experiences (for example, that time I smashed my thigh onto the top of a steel roadside railing or the fall that snapped my radius and ulna as a seven-year-old).
The nature of the flashbacks is fully consistent with recounts I've read of those associated with PTSD, so I'm pretty convinced that the same underlying recall mechanisms are involved. But unlike with PTSD, mine have never been spontaneous nor intrusive; it took deliberate and focused investigation of the places where my musculature has been hiding their physical consequences to dig them out.
Having gained that access I've been taking the opportunity to recall and re-store the experiences as ordinary memories rather than the unedited, indiscriminate emergency drafts that they currently seem to be. As that work proceeds, I find that I'm hurting less in ways I'd forgotten were actually possible.
The conclusion I've drawn from all this is that treatments designed to help with PTSD can be really useful even in cases where the response to a traumatic stressor hasn't brought on anything even vaguely resembling disorder, and that anybody who has experienced sudden damage might well benefit from these kinds of treatment regardless of where they've ended up on the gradient from apparently fine to totally overwhelmed. Trauma has consequences and there's no need to deny ourselves opportunities for effective treatment of those for no better reason than being unable to self-justify a PTSD diagnosis.
as the physical effects recede, I keep flashing back to the moments right before it happened, and how I could have avoided it - or how it could have been much, much, worse
I recommend, when you judge you're ready, that you find a safe way to flash back to the exact moment right as it happened, so that instead of what the incident has left you with remaining a fear-triggering mystery encysted inside a wall of protective tension, you can fully integrate it as just another part of your history. And I strongly recommend finding a trauma-informed therapist, working in a modality that specifically suits you, to help with that.
posted by flabdablet at 4:49 AM on September 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
It might help to read about gymnasts who get “the twisties” like Simone Biles had at the most recent Olympics. Not being a gymnast myself I read it as a kind of performance-anxiety severe enough to affect proprioception.
another thing to consider is that maybe the sport truly isn’t worth the risk to you - and that’s not a moral failing or form of weakness. I personally know 3 (!) people with permanent devastating spinal cord injuries due to sports accidents, and 5 who while doing leisure activities had major accidents causing multiple broken bones, permanently reduced function to important body parts like a dominant hand, or a very severe concussion.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 11:41 AM on September 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
another thing to consider is that maybe the sport truly isn’t worth the risk to you - and that’s not a moral failing or form of weakness. I personally know 3 (!) people with permanent devastating spinal cord injuries due to sports accidents, and 5 who while doing leisure activities had major accidents causing multiple broken bones, permanently reduced function to important body parts like a dominant hand, or a very severe concussion.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 11:41 AM on September 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
Meant to add to the above-
Of course lots of people do sports and don’t mess up their bodies, but if you’re accident prone or you just get a bad feeling about your luck, it’s TOTALLY OK to just quit the sport.
Our society pushes this idea of “fall down try again” or “quitters” being “weak” but honestly all the people I know who had these life-altering injuries had anxiety before the big moment, gaslit themselves that it was fine, and pushed through- with serious consequences. So if your body is saying “stop”, it’s ok to listen to it!
You could try again, or you could also just sell your gear and try something new that doesn’t have the same set of risks. If your body truly knows that recreational exercise isn’t just a stepping stone towards the end goal of doing that sport again, the panic moments might actually recede.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 11:49 AM on September 4, 2022 [4 favorites]
Of course lots of people do sports and don’t mess up their bodies, but if you’re accident prone or you just get a bad feeling about your luck, it’s TOTALLY OK to just quit the sport.
Our society pushes this idea of “fall down try again” or “quitters” being “weak” but honestly all the people I know who had these life-altering injuries had anxiety before the big moment, gaslit themselves that it was fine, and pushed through- with serious consequences. So if your body is saying “stop”, it’s ok to listen to it!
You could try again, or you could also just sell your gear and try something new that doesn’t have the same set of risks. If your body truly knows that recreational exercise isn’t just a stepping stone towards the end goal of doing that sport again, the panic moments might actually recede.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 11:49 AM on September 4, 2022 [4 favorites]
I think this, in particular, sounds like PTSD, and there is therapy that can help you get back to doing the things you want to be able to do again (like ride a bike). And also it's ok if you "gave up skiing after a near death experience" (or whatever your sport was). We need to integrate the things that happened to us into our memories and narratives so we can move forward; and also, our experiences might change us. Hopefully for the wiser.
Oh, you should also make sure you are handling your reintroduction of athletic activity in a way that will build your own confidence and not overdo it. you may well still be legitimately more wobbly or more fragile than you are used to being.
posted by Lady Li at 1:54 AM on September 5, 2022
Oh, you should also make sure you are handling your reintroduction of athletic activity in a way that will build your own confidence and not overdo it. you may well still be legitimately more wobbly or more fragile than you are used to being.
posted by Lady Li at 1:54 AM on September 5, 2022
In the climbing community, these are starting to be recognized as "traumatic stress injuries". Treatment can help ensure that the trauma doesn't start limiting more and more activities over time, which can be a common pattern. Some treatment steps are found in the linked page. Best of luck as you begin to tend to your mental and emotional recovery.
posted by Ausamor at 11:56 AM on September 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by Ausamor at 11:56 AM on September 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
While this is on a much smaller scale, and also not the root cause of most of my own PTSD, I've repeatedly injured the same ankle over the years (sometimes badly, sometimes not), to the point where I now have occasional flashbacks about past injuries and intrusive thoughts about it happening again, and the way it manifests is pretty much identical to the way I experience PTSD from childhood & relational trauma. Given the seriousness of your original injury and your current processing response, if I were in your situation I wouldn't hesitate to seek out professional support for what you're experiencing now.
posted by terretu at 1:39 AM on September 4, 2022 [5 favorites]