Being anonymous online. Is that important to you?
August 21, 2022 10:41 PM Subscribe
I'm in a constant back and forth with myself about how much I should protect myself online by hiding my identity.
I'm not asking so much about about protecting myself from trackers and big companies harvesting my data. I'm asking about protecting myself from other people.
I tend to be quite open about who I am offline (my profile here on Metafilter has my real name and links to my other online places)
I talk here about quite private things like my mental health, gender identity and autism, and so on.
I do have a tendency to do this in offline life as well, while I'm immensely private, if a stranger, or anyone, really, asks me about myself I'll just tell them the truth. It's like I don't notice the unspoken rules that others follow about these things?
So my question is, if you are serious about separating your offline and online identities, is that a habit of general principle, or for specific reasons, for example, it might threaten your job?
Or is it more about being able to be a different person online, than offline?
I am trying to gauge whether I'm just being toi naive and trusting in the way I share things about myself online.
I tend to be quite open about who I am offline (my profile here on Metafilter has my real name and links to my other online places)
I talk here about quite private things like my mental health, gender identity and autism, and so on.
I do have a tendency to do this in offline life as well, while I'm immensely private, if a stranger, or anyone, really, asks me about myself I'll just tell them the truth. It's like I don't notice the unspoken rules that others follow about these things?
So my question is, if you are serious about separating your offline and online identities, is that a habit of general principle, or for specific reasons, for example, it might threaten your job?
Or is it more about being able to be a different person online, than offline?
I am trying to gauge whether I'm just being toi naive and trusting in the way I share things about myself online.
I suspect that a lot of this is generational and that Gen-X people in particular have a keener sense of IRL vs. online identity and the very idea that there's separation and that there's value in consistent pseudonymity (because there is a lot of value in consistent pseudonymity.)
There is no online presence with any degree of continuity that cannot be doxxed if you attract the attention of a single obsessive hater or the hive of nolifers who live to doxx people. Most people don't have to deal with that. But there is a distinction between protecting oneself from people knowing your deep feelings about things and having people emailing your boss, ordering 16 pizzas to your house, leaving voicemails, etc.
If you have done IRL things with other MeFites then you kind of carry the sense of "am I my MeFi persona?" with you into all of that, but unless you have fabricated a completely artificial MeFi persona then yeah, you are what you are, don't sweat it.
Everything that exposes yourself carries a risk profile. I suspect most people wing it. Some people for whom the risk is obviously greater do not wing it and instead identify the specific risks and their likely sources.
posted by holgate at 11:23 PM on August 21, 2022 [5 favorites]
There is no online presence with any degree of continuity that cannot be doxxed if you attract the attention of a single obsessive hater or the hive of nolifers who live to doxx people. Most people don't have to deal with that. But there is a distinction between protecting oneself from people knowing your deep feelings about things and having people emailing your boss, ordering 16 pizzas to your house, leaving voicemails, etc.
If you have done IRL things with other MeFites then you kind of carry the sense of "am I my MeFi persona?" with you into all of that, but unless you have fabricated a completely artificial MeFi persona then yeah, you are what you are, don't sweat it.
Everything that exposes yourself carries a risk profile. I suspect most people wing it. Some people for whom the risk is obviously greater do not wing it and instead identify the specific risks and their likely sources.
posted by holgate at 11:23 PM on August 21, 2022 [5 favorites]
I agree with underclocked that what you're sharing online is the exact opposite of "I'm immensely private." Look at my bio versus your bio for an example: even though I'm quite vague, you can explore my posting history and figure so, so much out. I choose not to post my name or birthday or exact location here so I feel freer expressing myself fully -- heaven forbid I should ever become famous or infamous, I shudder to think of someone going through my posting history -- it's also like whatever, you know? I'll go for a few layers of privacy but I'm not on complete lockdown. I keep it separate from any other social media but I've also met fellow MeFites IRL (so awesome!) and have shared my address and more via holiday card exchanges and the like. I feel positive about it all.
That said, I think it's totally fine if you want to share all you do here in posts as well as identifying information in your bio. It's all very personal but nothing seems offensive or bad. That's cool! I like reading your posts and comments and feel positively towards you. I'm sure most others do, too. There's a new VICE documentary on how thieves will follow influencer social media posts to rob them but, again, that's not really an issue for us. Stalkers and creeps? Sadly those are but hopefully less of an issue here; I feel Metafilter is well-monitored but once it's out, it's out. I am sure mods would happily take down a post or two where we feel we overshared but we can't and shouldn't erase our entire identity or posting history. I was part of a different message board with a very different name growing up and I'm so, so glad that's no longer active. Nothing was bad per se but I want to believe I'm (even) better now ha.
I actually disagree with holgate, who does make great points however, that older internet users are more guarded than younger ones. I totally agree with the concept and value of "consistent pseudonymity," yes! But I teach Gen Z kids who were raised by Gen X parents plus the occasional Baby Boomer or Millennial, and I think they're actually the most aware if still impulsive at times and sadly the most at risk. They're making mistakes but they're also getting some really good parenting and guidance on all of this that most of us didn't have. I'm an X-ennial so I'm a little bit of everything and learning a lot from older and younger generations. We all can help each other, right?
As for the in-person stuff, I think more examples would help. I am a super honest person too but I am also very cautious about what I share and with whom. We can be both super honest and have strong boundaries but it definitely takes practice and even some coaching.
Finally, I am quite well-liked in person but I don't feel very well-liked on Metafilter. It doesn't matter but you asked about presentation and reception so I'll say it. I am super nerdy but nerdy in a way that is very appealing in mainstream society but less so in online forums that can veer towards snobby or elitist. Actually I think most people here are quite friendly but we don't have to build or maintain relationships so a certain amount of rudeness or bluntless is acceptable, and those voices can be very loud even if monitoring is excellent. I sometimes think "Omg there is no way everyone is living this holier-than-thou lifestyle 24/7 that they are espousing online." There's no accountability and sometimes not much self-reflection. It comes with the territory but I've tried hard to be compassionate and kind here even when a zinger gets more likes. I'm sure there are many people who feel the opposite and find the online realm to be much kinder and more comfortable. I understand your concerns about self-presentation: I used to worry that my online persona wasn't a true reflection of my full personality and now I just don't care anymore. But that's the same for my IRL life, and it's been freeing. I credit a lot of therapy and work on myself there. I think however you feel is totally OK, and it's ok if it changes with time!
posted by smorgasbord at 11:49 PM on August 21, 2022 [7 favorites]
That said, I think it's totally fine if you want to share all you do here in posts as well as identifying information in your bio. It's all very personal but nothing seems offensive or bad. That's cool! I like reading your posts and comments and feel positively towards you. I'm sure most others do, too. There's a new VICE documentary on how thieves will follow influencer social media posts to rob them but, again, that's not really an issue for us. Stalkers and creeps? Sadly those are but hopefully less of an issue here; I feel Metafilter is well-monitored but once it's out, it's out. I am sure mods would happily take down a post or two where we feel we overshared but we can't and shouldn't erase our entire identity or posting history. I was part of a different message board with a very different name growing up and I'm so, so glad that's no longer active. Nothing was bad per se but I want to believe I'm (even) better now ha.
I actually disagree with holgate, who does make great points however, that older internet users are more guarded than younger ones. I totally agree with the concept and value of "consistent pseudonymity," yes! But I teach Gen Z kids who were raised by Gen X parents plus the occasional Baby Boomer or Millennial, and I think they're actually the most aware if still impulsive at times and sadly the most at risk. They're making mistakes but they're also getting some really good parenting and guidance on all of this that most of us didn't have. I'm an X-ennial so I'm a little bit of everything and learning a lot from older and younger generations. We all can help each other, right?
As for the in-person stuff, I think more examples would help. I am a super honest person too but I am also very cautious about what I share and with whom. We can be both super honest and have strong boundaries but it definitely takes practice and even some coaching.
Finally, I am quite well-liked in person but I don't feel very well-liked on Metafilter. It doesn't matter but you asked about presentation and reception so I'll say it. I am super nerdy but nerdy in a way that is very appealing in mainstream society but less so in online forums that can veer towards snobby or elitist. Actually I think most people here are quite friendly but we don't have to build or maintain relationships so a certain amount of rudeness or bluntless is acceptable, and those voices can be very loud even if monitoring is excellent. I sometimes think "Omg there is no way everyone is living this holier-than-thou lifestyle 24/7 that they are espousing online." There's no accountability and sometimes not much self-reflection. It comes with the territory but I've tried hard to be compassionate and kind here even when a zinger gets more likes. I'm sure there are many people who feel the opposite and find the online realm to be much kinder and more comfortable. I understand your concerns about self-presentation: I used to worry that my online persona wasn't a true reflection of my full personality and now I just don't care anymore. But that's the same for my IRL life, and it's been freeing. I credit a lot of therapy and work on myself there. I think however you feel is totally OK, and it's ok if it changes with time!
posted by smorgasbord at 11:49 PM on August 21, 2022 [7 favorites]
Response by poster: Since age has come up several times... I'm 50.
I'm South African so the usual generation labels don't really apply? We've had quite a different experience over here with how things play out over the generations 🙂
posted by Zumbador at 11:53 PM on August 21, 2022 [1 favorite]
I'm South African so the usual generation labels don't really apply? We've had quite a different experience over here with how things play out over the generations 🙂
posted by Zumbador at 11:53 PM on August 21, 2022 [1 favorite]
Since age has come up several times... I'm 50.
I know!! I'm glad you shared but, believe me, we all immediately looked at your profile after you posted about personal information. Not because we're nosy but because we want to cross-check what you defined as being very private versus very personal.
FWIW I'd say most 20-40something single women on dating apps in the US are like one-woman CIAs. We can find everything about everyone! Heck, my mom was born before the Baby Boom and she can, too.
I appreciate your bringing up your cultural background, too, because different countries do have different internet cultures!
posted by smorgasbord at 11:57 PM on August 21, 2022 [3 favorites]
I know!! I'm glad you shared but, believe me, we all immediately looked at your profile after you posted about personal information. Not because we're nosy but because we want to cross-check what you defined as being very private versus very personal.
FWIW I'd say most 20-40something single women on dating apps in the US are like one-woman CIAs. We can find everything about everyone! Heck, my mom was born before the Baby Boom and she can, too.
I appreciate your bringing up your cultural background, too, because different countries do have different internet cultures!
posted by smorgasbord at 11:57 PM on August 21, 2022 [3 favorites]
Not to turn this into chat-filter, but as a data point I didn't look at your profile Zumbador because it didn't occur to me to do so. Your question seemed clear enough that it could be answered without needing any examples but smorgasbord is right that most people who read this question will go straight to it.
That's a good example of what I mean when I say "you are not private"; you've put data about yourself out there and you've created a post on here pointing people to it and encouraging them to read it. Your definition of "private" and mine are worlds apart but again, absolutely no judgement from me, if you're happy and comfortable then don't let anyone tell you not to do it.
posted by underclocked at 12:09 AM on August 22, 2022 [1 favorite]
That's a good example of what I mean when I say "you are not private"; you've put data about yourself out there and you've created a post on here pointing people to it and encouraging them to read it. Your definition of "private" and mine are worlds apart but again, absolutely no judgement from me, if you're happy and comfortable then don't let anyone tell you not to do it.
posted by underclocked at 12:09 AM on August 22, 2022 [1 favorite]
I feel like it's instinctual for me to tend towards privacy on the internet.
On the plus side, this has saved me a lot of headaches. That instinct is what warned me away from the barrage of invitations to join this new service called "Facebook" that all my university friends had just joined, and wouldn't I be happy there too? Never being on Facebook might not have improved my social life, but I feel like I dodged a huge bullet there.
On the minus side, this instinct means I don't share much of myself online, and as a result don't get as much "value" (for whatever definition) out of the possibilities of the internet. I think you're quite brave to share so much of yourself and I admire that!
The one time I used my real name on an interet forum I felt somehow exposed and vulnerable in a way that doesn't sit right with my personality. I prefer to share my feelings and vulnerabilities in more intimate personal spaces with my AFK people: even here, pseudonimity is not enough.
Sometimes I think that instinct is a general principle, but I think that principle is based on the more concrete desire to keep a strict separation between worlds: I wouldn't want a casual work acquaintaince to be able to learn a lot about me from a real name public-facing Twitter account scroll-through, for example. I wouldn't be worried that what they would find would lead to losing a job, more that it would feel like an intrusion into a space they shouldn't have access to. Pseudo/anonimity also means that there are no online entaglements when friendships and relationships eventually wither and die, as they sometimes do.
Personally I think it's all about managing personal risk and what you feel is comfortable for you. There are lots of people who share loads online about their lives, with their legal names attached, and who suffer no ill effects. But I would imagine that they have their own layers of pseudo/anonimity too... and maybe that's where the fun begins?
posted by Ten Cold Hot Dogs at 12:23 AM on August 22, 2022 [2 favorites]
On the plus side, this has saved me a lot of headaches. That instinct is what warned me away from the barrage of invitations to join this new service called "Facebook" that all my university friends had just joined, and wouldn't I be happy there too? Never being on Facebook might not have improved my social life, but I feel like I dodged a huge bullet there.
On the minus side, this instinct means I don't share much of myself online, and as a result don't get as much "value" (for whatever definition) out of the possibilities of the internet. I think you're quite brave to share so much of yourself and I admire that!
The one time I used my real name on an interet forum I felt somehow exposed and vulnerable in a way that doesn't sit right with my personality. I prefer to share my feelings and vulnerabilities in more intimate personal spaces with my AFK people: even here, pseudonimity is not enough.
Sometimes I think that instinct is a general principle, but I think that principle is based on the more concrete desire to keep a strict separation between worlds: I wouldn't want a casual work acquaintaince to be able to learn a lot about me from a real name public-facing Twitter account scroll-through, for example. I wouldn't be worried that what they would find would lead to losing a job, more that it would feel like an intrusion into a space they shouldn't have access to. Pseudo/anonimity also means that there are no online entaglements when friendships and relationships eventually wither and die, as they sometimes do.
Personally I think it's all about managing personal risk and what you feel is comfortable for you. There are lots of people who share loads online about their lives, with their legal names attached, and who suffer no ill effects. But I would imagine that they have their own layers of pseudo/anonimity too... and maybe that's where the fun begins?
posted by Ten Cold Hot Dogs at 12:23 AM on August 22, 2022 [2 favorites]
Well it depends what private means? There's stalking vectors—"who are you" and "where are you in space"— could a bad seed get to your home, work, wallet, reputation or loved ones? Then there's "I only talk about this with the internet and my therapist" which may feel exposing, but won't reveal your identity. You can be open about one but not the other.
There are different kinds of honesty. Is it the whole truth, nothing but? Or is it the sparkly self you want people to see, true but thin?
I'm autistic too, and I sometimes respond to neuronormative questions very frankly even though I know the asker wants a pat and tidy answer that lets us save face and feel each other out slowly. Some days speaking your truth is for you. It's necessary even if it leaves you vulnerable. Two different kinds of survival.
I keep my identities fairly separate. I've been harassed before, I've worked jobs I don't want on my resume, I have friend circles that don't vibe. My life is better with compartments. The whole of my story isn't for strangers! If I want you to connect the dots, I'll hand you the pen.
posted by lloquat at 12:51 AM on August 22, 2022 [13 favorites]
There are different kinds of honesty. Is it the whole truth, nothing but? Or is it the sparkly self you want people to see, true but thin?
I'm autistic too, and I sometimes respond to neuronormative questions very frankly even though I know the asker wants a pat and tidy answer that lets us save face and feel each other out slowly. Some days speaking your truth is for you. It's necessary even if it leaves you vulnerable. Two different kinds of survival.
I keep my identities fairly separate. I've been harassed before, I've worked jobs I don't want on my resume, I have friend circles that don't vibe. My life is better with compartments. The whole of my story isn't for strangers! If I want you to connect the dots, I'll hand you the pen.
posted by lloquat at 12:51 AM on August 22, 2022 [13 favorites]
lloquat, I just wanted to say you shared great wisdom and wrote it all so beautifully.
"The whole of my story isn't for strangers! If I want you to connect the dots, I'll hand you the pen."
Yes, yes, YES!!
posted by smorgasbord at 12:54 AM on August 22, 2022 [3 favorites]
"The whole of my story isn't for strangers! If I want you to connect the dots, I'll hand you the pen."
Yes, yes, YES!!
posted by smorgasbord at 12:54 AM on August 22, 2022 [3 favorites]
I'm of two minds on this issue and actually my close friends think the dichotomy is funny. I'm quite open with my opinions online and say a lot more than many people, but quite private with certain personal details that most people don't consider all that personal, and in that realm I say a lot less than many people. I think there's strength in openness - my career didn't take off until I started writing about my opinions on the internet. I talk pretty openly about what I think, attached to my real name. But at the same time I'm very private about where I live, who my family is, my intersectional identity (I only give broad strokes) and other details. I've also been stalked twice by strangers in dangerous ways, and have been doxxed a few times for my opinions. I'm squirrely enough about being "known" that I've even abandoned a few MeFi handles and even though this one doesn't have that much identifying info, I was just thinking recently that I might abandon it soon. I guess to me what would feel weird is that I can click your user name and know a lot about you, but if you click mine you know much less about me - does that feel weird to you? Even if you're an open book in person, you are actually making a judgement call to answer each question in the moment, in a relationship with whoever asked it and whoever's in the room, whereas here, you're giving that info to many many people in a semi-permanent format.
I guess overall I would ask, what's the benefit of being SO open, and what could be the risks? (being doxxed sucks)
posted by nouvelle-personne at 2:02 AM on August 22, 2022 [1 favorite]
I guess overall I would ask, what's the benefit of being SO open, and what could be the risks? (being doxxed sucks)
posted by nouvelle-personne at 2:02 AM on August 22, 2022 [1 favorite]
I have a globally unique name. I have exactly zero plausible deniability of anything attached publicly to my real name. This probably colours my attitude towards internet anonymity.
My anonymity on Metafilter allows me to talk about my current and previous jobs, and my family, without worrying that anyone I'm talking about will see what I've said and feel upset. I mean, I hope I haven't said anything here that would upset them, but by keeping the account anonymous, I don't have to think about it.
In real life I'm generally very open; I'm not good at context-switching, and if someone asks me a question it's very likely I'll give them an honest answer, even if it's information I'd rather they didn't have. But volunteering information is a bit different. I don't say anything on here that I'd be uncomfortable telling my closest friend about, for the very good reason that he has an account and knows my username; but I do say things that I probably wouldn't proactively share with my colleagues.
I used to be on Twitter under my real name, but I realised a while back that actually I'd rather not be identifiably female in that particular ecosystem, so switched to an anonymous and non-gendered username and took my pronouns off my bio. I don't tweet or retweet anything especially controversial (although it wouldn't be hard to work out how I feel about Brexit or the current government) and I don't get into arguments, so that's probably overcautious of me, but I wouldn't handle nastiness well.
And then there's Facebook, where I'm identifiably me, all of my friends are people I actually know, and I post almost nothing but photos of things I found interesting, pretty or amusing... and I lock the privacy down as far as I can. There would be no harm whatsoever in my account being completely public, but somehow that just feels uncomfortable.
posted by ManyLeggedCreature at 2:30 AM on August 22, 2022 [6 favorites]
My anonymity on Metafilter allows me to talk about my current and previous jobs, and my family, without worrying that anyone I'm talking about will see what I've said and feel upset. I mean, I hope I haven't said anything here that would upset them, but by keeping the account anonymous, I don't have to think about it.
In real life I'm generally very open; I'm not good at context-switching, and if someone asks me a question it's very likely I'll give them an honest answer, even if it's information I'd rather they didn't have. But volunteering information is a bit different. I don't say anything on here that I'd be uncomfortable telling my closest friend about, for the very good reason that he has an account and knows my username; but I do say things that I probably wouldn't proactively share with my colleagues.
I used to be on Twitter under my real name, but I realised a while back that actually I'd rather not be identifiably female in that particular ecosystem, so switched to an anonymous and non-gendered username and took my pronouns off my bio. I don't tweet or retweet anything especially controversial (although it wouldn't be hard to work out how I feel about Brexit or the current government) and I don't get into arguments, so that's probably overcautious of me, but I wouldn't handle nastiness well.
And then there's Facebook, where I'm identifiably me, all of my friends are people I actually know, and I post almost nothing but photos of things I found interesting, pretty or amusing... and I lock the privacy down as far as I can. There would be no harm whatsoever in my account being completely public, but somehow that just feels uncomfortable.
posted by ManyLeggedCreature at 2:30 AM on August 22, 2022 [6 favorites]
I'm pretty open with my opinions and some parts of my life, but i'm also raised with the spectre of the state's security apparatus and being online since the 90s, so it just means not making it too easy to draw connections. What this means for me is having different pseuds everywhere, though it is true, the age of social media made it extremely tempting to link all my identities around. But I am trying to go back to segregating my identities (as much as possible), or at least not make it too easy.
But really that's just trying to be a little safe in terms of the facts of myself as a person who is subject to the law. So I may actually lie about those facts or obfuscate them. But in terms of my opinions and viewpoints, that's pretty truthful (which of course is the one that would really get me if people in charge are invested in finding out).
posted by cendawanita at 2:44 AM on August 22, 2022 [1 favorite]
But really that's just trying to be a little safe in terms of the facts of myself as a person who is subject to the law. So I may actually lie about those facts or obfuscate them. But in terms of my opinions and viewpoints, that's pretty truthful (which of course is the one that would really get me if people in charge are invested in finding out).
posted by cendawanita at 2:44 AM on August 22, 2022 [1 favorite]
I think that there are two different kinds of privacy and exposure.
I've talked about some slightly intimate stuff online - some medical issues, a spat with my brother, a couple bits of sexual info, how I felt when my apartment got broken into, stuff like that. But I keep the info you would use to find me in real life as locked down as I can. So if you wanted to actually find me to have a discussion about my case of ovarian torsion in real life, you wouldn't be able to without extreme difficulty.
In a way it's kind of like the confessional booth in Catholic churches - you go into the booth and the priest is there behind the screen, and you tell him your secrets - but you're behind a screen and you're one of a dozen or so people he's seen that day, and he has only your voice to go on, so he knows stuff ABOUT you but doesn't know which of the 12 billion people on the planet to attach that stuff to.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:04 AM on August 22, 2022 [3 favorites]
I've talked about some slightly intimate stuff online - some medical issues, a spat with my brother, a couple bits of sexual info, how I felt when my apartment got broken into, stuff like that. But I keep the info you would use to find me in real life as locked down as I can. So if you wanted to actually find me to have a discussion about my case of ovarian torsion in real life, you wouldn't be able to without extreme difficulty.
In a way it's kind of like the confessional booth in Catholic churches - you go into the booth and the priest is there behind the screen, and you tell him your secrets - but you're behind a screen and you're one of a dozen or so people he's seen that day, and he has only your voice to go on, so he knows stuff ABOUT you but doesn't know which of the 12 billion people on the planet to attach that stuff to.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:04 AM on August 22, 2022 [3 favorites]
I have an extremely minimal profile here and say mostly whatever I want. On Facebook, I use my real name, and try to operate under the assumption that all my worst enemies are reading every post and comment. I see value in both; they offer me very different things and call for different approaches, simple as that, for me :)
posted by SaltySalticid at 5:07 AM on August 22, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by SaltySalticid at 5:07 AM on August 22, 2022 [3 favorites]
I try to make it more challenging to go from my real name to my pseudonyms than from my pseudonyms to my real name. That way a cursory search on me is pretty anodyne.
I do that somewhat with a view towards the fact that I never know what kind of work I want to do next and some kinds of work are more tolerant than others. And a lot with a view towards people like family that I don't want to get into everything with.
I used to go to more lengths to keep things separate. I had a pseudonymous non-neurotypical very journal-like blog for about 8-9 years that was pretty well-trafficked and I did some interviews for some research and documentary projects due to connections there. Eventually it had enough details in it that it would have been recognizable to my real life connections.
Once my oldest son hit toddler playgroups and I started talking to real-life, local moms, I realized that people's tolerance has serious limits when it comes to whose house they let their kids play at - and fair enough!! So at that point I took it down and locked a lot of my pseudonymous accounts down. I have mixed feelings now that I'm getting to a point that I wouldn't mind that platform, so to speak.
I've also worked online professionally and been mildly doxxed - gotten hate mail at my home address. Things are both worse and better now. At that time I didn't have the vocabulary doxxed. I am not high enough profile in general but for sure it's something to think through.
Over time I've eased off on trying to sweep up all the breadcrumbs, especially as my kids have gotten older. Basically, I kind of feel like...if people are going to go after me, there's certainly things for them to find. But my life now, while not bulletproof -- I do work in an industry without a lot of wriggle room for certain things -- is more holistic, so I'm a bit out of fucks to give that way. Sometimes when I think about next career steps I get antsy about it, but at this point it would just be a matter of changing a couple of profiles.
TLdr; I think you need to consider the real-life impacts and how you will feel about them and then make a decision.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:50 AM on August 22, 2022 [4 favorites]
I do that somewhat with a view towards the fact that I never know what kind of work I want to do next and some kinds of work are more tolerant than others. And a lot with a view towards people like family that I don't want to get into everything with.
I used to go to more lengths to keep things separate. I had a pseudonymous non-neurotypical very journal-like blog for about 8-9 years that was pretty well-trafficked and I did some interviews for some research and documentary projects due to connections there. Eventually it had enough details in it that it would have been recognizable to my real life connections.
Once my oldest son hit toddler playgroups and I started talking to real-life, local moms, I realized that people's tolerance has serious limits when it comes to whose house they let their kids play at - and fair enough!! So at that point I took it down and locked a lot of my pseudonymous accounts down. I have mixed feelings now that I'm getting to a point that I wouldn't mind that platform, so to speak.
I've also worked online professionally and been mildly doxxed - gotten hate mail at my home address. Things are both worse and better now. At that time I didn't have the vocabulary doxxed. I am not high enough profile in general but for sure it's something to think through.
Over time I've eased off on trying to sweep up all the breadcrumbs, especially as my kids have gotten older. Basically, I kind of feel like...if people are going to go after me, there's certainly things for them to find. But my life now, while not bulletproof -- I do work in an industry without a lot of wriggle room for certain things -- is more holistic, so I'm a bit out of fucks to give that way. Sometimes when I think about next career steps I get antsy about it, but at this point it would just be a matter of changing a couple of profiles.
TLdr; I think you need to consider the real-life impacts and how you will feel about them and then make a decision.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:50 AM on August 22, 2022 [4 favorites]
I'm fairly serious about separating real-name from accounts here and elsewhere, although I'm sure I've said enough identifiable info over my years here that someone could dox me if they really wanted to waste their time doing so.
I'm not really worried about being doxxed, stalked etc based on stuff I write here (I do worry about it more on reddit, so I am more cautious about sharing things there). I don't use the same name on other online communities, to reduce those concerns.
My main concern is the other direction, someone I know in real life - family, friends, colleagues - coming across my posts and identifying me, then knowing much more about me than I want them to. Either someone recognizing a description of their actions in a potentially-hurtful way, or a distant friend or work colleague learning things I don't discuss with people I don't trust, like my unusual childhood or mental health (especially neurodivergence stuff, which only a handful of trusted people know about). I share enough here that it's still possible to identify me from a few combinations of unusual details, but hopefully not easy.
I certainly will never post a photo or my real name here for that reason (but I'm not suggesting that anyone who does is wrong to do so).
(I thought this question was interesting since I often share your perspective on things, but in this area we're quite different!)
posted by randomnity at 6:46 AM on August 22, 2022 [8 favorites]
I'm not really worried about being doxxed, stalked etc based on stuff I write here (I do worry about it more on reddit, so I am more cautious about sharing things there). I don't use the same name on other online communities, to reduce those concerns.
My main concern is the other direction, someone I know in real life - family, friends, colleagues - coming across my posts and identifying me, then knowing much more about me than I want them to. Either someone recognizing a description of their actions in a potentially-hurtful way, or a distant friend or work colleague learning things I don't discuss with people I don't trust, like my unusual childhood or mental health (especially neurodivergence stuff, which only a handful of trusted people know about). I share enough here that it's still possible to identify me from a few combinations of unusual details, but hopefully not easy.
I certainly will never post a photo or my real name here for that reason (but I'm not suggesting that anyone who does is wrong to do so).
(I thought this question was interesting since I often share your perspective on things, but in this area we're quite different!)
posted by randomnity at 6:46 AM on August 22, 2022 [8 favorites]
I'm probably shifting to being less exposed on the web, but I need a website, blog and twitter for business and business networking. So even less exposure publicly is relative. But I'm regularly on other platforms re especially the UK situation, and in NZ we have a frightening movement growing (looks like mainly US resourced), so again some level of caution is warranted if participating in society, and trying to keep bad actors from joining the dots.
The way the UK is going (along with a ton of countries I know little about) I think a lot of us will have to develop alter-identities (and all that involves) so we can help in whatever ways we can.
posted by unearthed at 7:11 AM on August 22, 2022
The way the UK is going (along with a ton of countries I know little about) I think a lot of us will have to develop alter-identities (and all that involves) so we can help in whatever ways we can.
posted by unearthed at 7:11 AM on August 22, 2022
I think about this a lot. I try not to be findable by searching my wallet name, but I’m definitely recognizable by what I say, and sometimes suspect I have been recognized by people I know in meatspace (to use a term that will definitely date me). Once or twice I have had to ask mods to delete things which contained an amount of self-disclosure for which the risk-benefit tradeoff changed significantly long after posting. This didn’t feel great, but I was glad they were willing. Is any of this openness wise? I don’t know, but I get something out of being honest here in ways that would be taboo in other spaces I inhabit. My time on Metafilter has overlapped with some extremely hard and sometimes very lonely life events, and I’ve been grateful for the outlet.
I worry about Twitter too, where I do exist under another, less cloaked pseud. I used to use my wallet name there, until a well meaning coworker, without asking first, added my handle to a list of “coworkers you should follow” before a big networking event. Thanks, friend, now a hundred people with whom I am on polite nodding terms only have been invited to notice that I follow a bunch of accounts related to a highly stigmatizing medical condition! Had to button. The pseud I then adopted used to be a normal/open account, but then my situation changed further, to one where I had to ask myself “if I mouth off about the demise of Roe am I going to be creating trouble for other people?” So now I’m private, which makes the service significantly less useful. The chief trouble with privacy is that needs change and cats are resistant at being rebagged, some more so than others, but in the meantime you gotta live. I dunno. I’ll probably regret all of this some day, but hey, none of this life is permanent anyway.
posted by eirias at 8:05 AM on August 22, 2022 [3 favorites]
I worry about Twitter too, where I do exist under another, less cloaked pseud. I used to use my wallet name there, until a well meaning coworker, without asking first, added my handle to a list of “coworkers you should follow” before a big networking event. Thanks, friend, now a hundred people with whom I am on polite nodding terms only have been invited to notice that I follow a bunch of accounts related to a highly stigmatizing medical condition! Had to button. The pseud I then adopted used to be a normal/open account, but then my situation changed further, to one where I had to ask myself “if I mouth off about the demise of Roe am I going to be creating trouble for other people?” So now I’m private, which makes the service significantly less useful. The chief trouble with privacy is that needs change and cats are resistant at being rebagged, some more so than others, but in the meantime you gotta live. I dunno. I’ll probably regret all of this some day, but hey, none of this life is permanent anyway.
posted by eirias at 8:05 AM on August 22, 2022 [3 favorites]
My work requires that some elements of my real identity are online. In addition, most of my social media is either work-adjacent, or real life-adjacent so uses my real name. In common with most people in my profession I am careful about what I share in public. In particular, while my general political stance can be guessed from other things I like or people I follow, I am studiously neutral on almost all issues and avoid anything party political.
I have had my pseudonym for many years, and used to blog about personal finance under it. It is also me. Like warriorqueen I try to make it very difficult to go from my IRL name to my online pseudonym. This allows me relative freedom on metafilter, which is the only place I currently use it. I have never told anyone IRL my pseudonym, although my husband knows that I have one. The desire to keep it to myself is one of the reasons that I hate people reading my laptop screen. On metafilter, I am more open about my political views, but not very open. I am more open about my life, but not very open. If someone guessed that this was my pseudonym it would be pretty easy for them to establish that I was the only person it was likely to be.
posted by plonkee at 8:53 AM on August 22, 2022 [2 favorites]
I have had my pseudonym for many years, and used to blog about personal finance under it. It is also me. Like warriorqueen I try to make it very difficult to go from my IRL name to my online pseudonym. This allows me relative freedom on metafilter, which is the only place I currently use it. I have never told anyone IRL my pseudonym, although my husband knows that I have one. The desire to keep it to myself is one of the reasons that I hate people reading my laptop screen. On metafilter, I am more open about my political views, but not very open. I am more open about my life, but not very open. If someone guessed that this was my pseudonym it would be pretty easy for them to establish that I was the only person it was likely to be.
posted by plonkee at 8:53 AM on August 22, 2022 [2 favorites]
I gave up the idea of online and off-line lives about 35 years ago. It’s all one thing.
In my life I’ll share just about anything with anyone who asks, and what is private is private. Same everywhere.
The internet is handy in that when I do have some question I want to ask that I don’t want traced back to me I can set up an anonymous way to do it. Even then I don’t take any serious precautions — the truth is that nobody is interested enough in me to bother tracking me down.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:13 AM on August 22, 2022 [2 favorites]
In my life I’ll share just about anything with anyone who asks, and what is private is private. Same everywhere.
The internet is handy in that when I do have some question I want to ask that I don’t want traced back to me I can set up an anonymous way to do it. Even then I don’t take any serious precautions — the truth is that nobody is interested enough in me to bother tracking me down.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:13 AM on August 22, 2022 [2 favorites]
My attitude has shifted slowly over the years. 20+ years ago, online and IRL felt quite different and it didn't feel like things I posted online would ever be seen by "normal" people. Which amazes me now. After a couple of awkward occasions where "normal" people did see something I blithely posted but shouldn't have, and a couple of people said "er, could you remove that slightly embarrassing photo of me you uploaded in 1998?" I shifted my perception, and continued to do so.
But I still posted online, on my blog, under my real, almost unique, name a lot. There are places, like here, where I will use a pseudonym and might, or might not, link it to my "real" self. I'm definitely always second-guessing what I say.
I blog every week about what I've been up to, and sometimes how I've been feeling, but I'm always conscious that anyone could read it and so it's definitely not the entire truth. It's like I have an internal PR department censoring what I say - I don't mind being self-deprecating and a bit open if I feel down, but I keep a lot back, and am cautious about what I say about friends and family.
I'm also much more aware than I was 20 years ago that being as open as I am online comes from a position of great privilege.
posted by fabius at 9:37 AM on August 22, 2022 [6 favorites]
But I still posted online, on my blog, under my real, almost unique, name a lot. There are places, like here, where I will use a pseudonym and might, or might not, link it to my "real" self. I'm definitely always second-guessing what I say.
I blog every week about what I've been up to, and sometimes how I've been feeling, but I'm always conscious that anyone could read it and so it's definitely not the entire truth. It's like I have an internal PR department censoring what I say - I don't mind being self-deprecating and a bit open if I feel down, but I keep a lot back, and am cautious about what I say about friends and family.
I'm also much more aware than I was 20 years ago that being as open as I am online comes from a position of great privilege.
posted by fabius at 9:37 AM on August 22, 2022 [6 favorites]
I stay anonymous as a matter of general principle, for completely non-personal reasons:
1. There are people who do have a good reason to be anonymous. If everyone except that person is anonymous, it becomes less inviting to those people.
2. It is really easy to lie online and pretend to be completely open and public, and difficult for others to tell the difference. Therefore, an account that has a real-sounding name and picture should not be trusted any more than any other account.
3. The internet never forgets. While you as a person have flowing and changing opinions, the internet surfaces everything as immediate and must be addressed right now. Some of us were online during our formulative/foolish years but the Internet Hate Machine is not nuanced. (I have an unofficial policy of deleting and re-creating my accounts whenever the time is right) The fact that you are 50 years old ties into this - you were an adult before you went online.
posted by meowzilla at 1:14 PM on August 22, 2022 [4 favorites]
1. There are people who do have a good reason to be anonymous. If everyone except that person is anonymous, it becomes less inviting to those people.
2. It is really easy to lie online and pretend to be completely open and public, and difficult for others to tell the difference. Therefore, an account that has a real-sounding name and picture should not be trusted any more than any other account.
3. The internet never forgets. While you as a person have flowing and changing opinions, the internet surfaces everything as immediate and must be addressed right now. Some of us were online during our formulative/foolish years but the Internet Hate Machine is not nuanced. (I have an unofficial policy of deleting and re-creating my accounts whenever the time is right) The fact that you are 50 years old ties into this - you were an adult before you went online.
posted by meowzilla at 1:14 PM on August 22, 2022 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I am of many minds about this. But one thing I have learned is that anything I *own* and am public about can’t be used against me. Can’t blackmail me or shame me about being disabled because so what? Everyone knows! So I do consciously check in with myself about whether or not I really own a fact about myself before I feel like it’s for public consumption. If I feel like it’s something that could be wielded against me, I don’t share - online or off. I also put it on a stack of things I am working on owning so that I can be open about it. There are some things that I don’t think can ever be safely owned - for instance information that would allow someone to steal my identity. So I’ll never share my credit card number or mothers maiden name or whatever. I also try to be very conscientious about what is MINE to share vs someone else’s. I think that keeps me from oversharing more than anything else.
FWIW - I do think I understand what you mean about being a very private person who is comfortable sharing lots of things if asked or if you want to. Someone prying is very different than choosing on your own. And there are very very very many people in my life who feel they know me intimately well who know absolutely nothing of consequence about me.
posted by Bottlecap at 5:55 PM on August 22, 2022 [4 favorites]
FWIW - I do think I understand what you mean about being a very private person who is comfortable sharing lots of things if asked or if you want to. Someone prying is very different than choosing on your own. And there are very very very many people in my life who feel they know me intimately well who know absolutely nothing of consequence about me.
posted by Bottlecap at 5:55 PM on August 22, 2022 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Hope this is not too threadsitting but bottlecap, your comments about what is mine to own really clarified things for me.
I feel like it's my responsibility to be open about certain subjects. Hopefully that will help someone else who is like me, and sees that I don't consider it shameful to share those things about myself openly.
This is possible for me because I have a lot of privilege, that's certainly true.
posted by Zumbador at 9:39 PM on August 22, 2022 [2 favorites]
I feel like it's my responsibility to be open about certain subjects. Hopefully that will help someone else who is like me, and sees that I don't consider it shameful to share those things about myself openly.
This is possible for me because I have a lot of privilege, that's certainly true.
posted by Zumbador at 9:39 PM on August 22, 2022 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Autistic people often struggle with social norms and are prone to giving an honest answer to a question, no matter who asks it. In my experience what you say you do is not uncommon for a auty. Is it "naive and trusting"? Yes, a bit, that's something that can go hand in hand with being autistic, especially when you're younger and have less experience. The idea that other people might think differently can be hard to realise and remember, so you assume everyone has good intentions like you do. Except some of them don't and you only learn that through (often quite bitter) experience.
I need to keep my online and offline identities separate because of my work, but I also do so out of choice. Once it's out there, it's out there, and you can't uncork the bottle. I have nothing to hide but I do not relish the idea of being public because it makes me feel vulnerable. I don't judge you for being different, just shudder a little bit at the thought of being so open, but that speaks to my psychology, not yours.
posted by underclocked at 11:15 PM on August 21, 2022 [5 favorites]