Responding to roommate listings in NYC
August 12, 2022 6:57 AM Subscribe
I recently moved to NYC and am looking for permanent housing. I've sent several inquiries in response to roommate wanted ads but have not gotten a single response. I know the NYC housing market is absolutely f'ed right now, but since I'm not even getting initial responses, I'm wondering if the problem lies in my inquiry.
Here's the initial version of my inquiry email. I kept it straightforward, just including relevant details:
Hi!
I saw your listing on [site (mainly The Listings Project, sometimes Craigslist)] and was interested in renting the space.
I'm a [mid-twenties] engineer who uses she/her pronouns. I like reading, exploring different neighborhoods, and going to museums and shows.
As for my routine, I work 10-6 on weekdays, some days from home. I typically cook a couple of times a week. I tend to split my weekends 50/50 between staying at home and going out. When at home I stick to quiet activities (reading or drawing or watching movies on my laptop with headphones). I am sometimes out late but I make sure to be quiet when returning.
Other information that you might like to know: I am fully vaccinated, and don't smoke, or do drugs. I should note that I am [religion], but that doesn't really affect how I am as a roommate. I [have eating restrictions] but I don't mind [those foods] in the home, for example. I tend to match the preference of my roommates; I'm down to hang out both at home and outside, but I'm also perfectly content living separate lives. Being clean is important to me, and I make sure to keep any clutter to my bedroom.
If you're interested, I'd like to know how best you'd like to proceed.
Thanks,
[My first name]
When that didn't get any responses, I tried a different version, with more of my own personality added:
Hi!
I saw your listing on [site] and was interested in renting the space.
My name is [name], and I'm a [mid-twenties] software engineer who recently relocated to the city from Seattle for a new job. (I'm still on the hunt for a coffee shop that's on par with my favorite Seattle spot, but otherwise no regrets so far, despite the heat.) I think I'm a responsible but chill person. It seems a little presumptuous to say that definitively.
I'm someone who enjoys drawing (though very badly), experimenting with different cuisines (lately, I've been trying to learn to cook Korean), and going to museums (my favorite in the city so far is the Merchant's House Museum). Though I'm on the quieter, bookish side I get along with people of all types. I enjoy hearing about the crazy thing that happened at that party even if I don't party myself.
I work from 10-6 on weekdays, some days from home. I'm a pretty low-key roommate. I stick to quieter activities at home (though I don't expect you to do the same) and would have guests over rarely if at all (I prefer to hang out in the city). I'm down to spend time together but also don't mind living separate lives. I've tended to match the preferences of my roommates in this respect in the past. [If I were to describe an ideal, though, it'd be an occasional conversation when we're both at home and no-pressure invitations to tag along to whatever we're doing every once in a while, if it's something that we might both enjoy.](I only included this bracketed section if the listing mentioned that they'd ideally like to hang out occasionally.)
I'd describe myself as laidback with certain specific boundaries. I think spills and messes should be cleaned immediately or at worst within a few hours to avoid pests and mold, and I think there's a difference between clutter that makes a home feel lived-in (books on a coffee table) and clutter that does not (bulky items on the floor that make it difficult to navigate). I also am non-smoking and value a non-smoking living space. That being said, I totally get that there are chaotic days, days where you've unexpectedly been struck by creative inspiration, or simply days where you've run out of spoons. These boundaries are more about determining general day-to-day compatibility and expectations. I certainly don't want anyone I live with to feel policed in their own home!
I personally try to clean my space once weekly, though I am admittedly more on top of things in certain aspects (the bathroom) than others (mopping bedroom floors). I don't expect you to match the same cadence if you clean less often, and I'm happy to accommodate if it's important to you that I clean more often.
[Section on covid awareness if the listing emphasized it, targeted towards the listing. I am vaccinated and wear masks indoors, but sometimes attend concerts and shows that do not have mask-only policies.]
As for the more practical details- I make more than 40x the rent and can pay a security deposit. I don't own any pets.
Let me know if you're interested and, if so, what would be the next steps to proceed. I'm looking forward to hearing from you!
Thanks,
[My first name]
In both cases, I also added details where relevant to target the specific listing and make it clear that I'd read it in full.
If I were to revise my inquiry again I'd remove the paragraph that starts with "I'd describe myself as laidback...". I added it in response to a specific listing that kept emphasizing the desire for a "chill, laidback" roommate, and I wanted to make sure that wasn't code for "will tolerate basically anything". But I think the tone comes across as too demanding for an initial inquiry email, and boundaries can be discussed later on in the process.
(Incidentally, if you're wondering why the hobbies changed from response 1 to response 2: all five hobbies are things I actually do, but "exploring the city" seems to be a cliche, and as I'm a very bad cook and artist I tend to avoid mentioning them as hobbies without including qualifiers, as people otherwise have a tendency to ask if you can show them things you've made.)
Is there anything else that stands out as a red flag that might explain why I'm not getting responses?
Here's the initial version of my inquiry email. I kept it straightforward, just including relevant details:
Hi!
I saw your listing on [site (mainly The Listings Project, sometimes Craigslist)] and was interested in renting the space.
I'm a [mid-twenties] engineer who uses she/her pronouns. I like reading, exploring different neighborhoods, and going to museums and shows.
As for my routine, I work 10-6 on weekdays, some days from home. I typically cook a couple of times a week. I tend to split my weekends 50/50 between staying at home and going out. When at home I stick to quiet activities (reading or drawing or watching movies on my laptop with headphones). I am sometimes out late but I make sure to be quiet when returning.
Other information that you might like to know: I am fully vaccinated, and don't smoke, or do drugs. I should note that I am [religion], but that doesn't really affect how I am as a roommate. I [have eating restrictions] but I don't mind [those foods] in the home, for example. I tend to match the preference of my roommates; I'm down to hang out both at home and outside, but I'm also perfectly content living separate lives. Being clean is important to me, and I make sure to keep any clutter to my bedroom.
If you're interested, I'd like to know how best you'd like to proceed.
Thanks,
[My first name]
When that didn't get any responses, I tried a different version, with more of my own personality added:
Hi!
I saw your listing on [site] and was interested in renting the space.
My name is [name], and I'm a [mid-twenties] software engineer who recently relocated to the city from Seattle for a new job. (I'm still on the hunt for a coffee shop that's on par with my favorite Seattle spot, but otherwise no regrets so far, despite the heat.) I think I'm a responsible but chill person. It seems a little presumptuous to say that definitively.
I'm someone who enjoys drawing (though very badly), experimenting with different cuisines (lately, I've been trying to learn to cook Korean), and going to museums (my favorite in the city so far is the Merchant's House Museum). Though I'm on the quieter, bookish side I get along with people of all types. I enjoy hearing about the crazy thing that happened at that party even if I don't party myself.
I work from 10-6 on weekdays, some days from home. I'm a pretty low-key roommate. I stick to quieter activities at home (though I don't expect you to do the same) and would have guests over rarely if at all (I prefer to hang out in the city). I'm down to spend time together but also don't mind living separate lives. I've tended to match the preferences of my roommates in this respect in the past. [If I were to describe an ideal, though, it'd be an occasional conversation when we're both at home and no-pressure invitations to tag along to whatever we're doing every once in a while, if it's something that we might both enjoy.](I only included this bracketed section if the listing mentioned that they'd ideally like to hang out occasionally.)
I'd describe myself as laidback with certain specific boundaries. I think spills and messes should be cleaned immediately or at worst within a few hours to avoid pests and mold, and I think there's a difference between clutter that makes a home feel lived-in (books on a coffee table) and clutter that does not (bulky items on the floor that make it difficult to navigate). I also am non-smoking and value a non-smoking living space. That being said, I totally get that there are chaotic days, days where you've unexpectedly been struck by creative inspiration, or simply days where you've run out of spoons. These boundaries are more about determining general day-to-day compatibility and expectations. I certainly don't want anyone I live with to feel policed in their own home!
I personally try to clean my space once weekly, though I am admittedly more on top of things in certain aspects (the bathroom) than others (mopping bedroom floors). I don't expect you to match the same cadence if you clean less often, and I'm happy to accommodate if it's important to you that I clean more often.
[Section on covid awareness if the listing emphasized it, targeted towards the listing. I am vaccinated and wear masks indoors, but sometimes attend concerts and shows that do not have mask-only policies.]
As for the more practical details- I make more than 40x the rent and can pay a security deposit. I don't own any pets.
Let me know if you're interested and, if so, what would be the next steps to proceed. I'm looking forward to hearing from you!
Thanks,
[My first name]
In both cases, I also added details where relevant to target the specific listing and make it clear that I'd read it in full.
If I were to revise my inquiry again I'd remove the paragraph that starts with "I'd describe myself as laidback...". I added it in response to a specific listing that kept emphasizing the desire for a "chill, laidback" roommate, and I wanted to make sure that wasn't code for "will tolerate basically anything". But I think the tone comes across as too demanding for an initial inquiry email, and boundaries can be discussed later on in the process.
(Incidentally, if you're wondering why the hobbies changed from response 1 to response 2: all five hobbies are things I actually do, but "exploring the city" seems to be a cliche, and as I'm a very bad cook and artist I tend to avoid mentioning them as hobbies without including qualifiers, as people otherwise have a tendency to ask if you can show them things you've made.)
Is there anything else that stands out as a red flag that might explain why I'm not getting responses?
I lived in New York for a really long time and looked for roommates. To be perfectly honest, if I got either of these emails, I probably would have ignored them, too. Way too long, way too much detail. I don't care where you moved from. I don't care what religion you are. I don't care that you're "laidback with certain specific boundaries"--in fact that reads as code for "I am actually very picky but don't want to appear so."
Condense it to one paragraph. Age, employment, etc. The time to showcase your personality is when you're in the apartment looking at the room.
posted by rhymedirective at 7:09 AM on August 12, 2022 [41 favorites]
Condense it to one paragraph. Age, employment, etc. The time to showcase your personality is when you're in the apartment looking at the room.
posted by rhymedirective at 7:09 AM on August 12, 2022 [41 favorites]
Hey there -
I've been the one placing ads for roommates in the past, and nothing really stands out about either one as being a bad thing.
However, the issue may simply be timing. We're mid-month now, and the people looking for roommates likely already met with several people and have either extended offers or are making up their minds about the people they met - so they're not going to pay attention to a new request.
Also, if you're responding to an ad that's been up for even a couple days, you're coming in behind about 65 other people - every time I've put up a "roommate wanted" ad, I've gotten about 20 emails just within the first couple hours. Even when the real estate market isn't totally crazy, it really is a seller's market when it comes to roommates.
So your ad sounds fine, I'd just work on timing a bit:
1. Check Craigslist about twice a day at least, and only send ads to the new posts that were just posted that day.
2. Be flexible about your move-in date. You may have missed the window for a move-in date of September 1st already, but September 15 may work.
3. But don't give up - a guy I know from work was in a similar struggle recently but found a place literally the last minute, because a guy unexpectedly had to kick a roommate out 3 days before the end of the month and posted an ad for an "ASAP" situation, and the guy from work saw it about a half hour after the ad went up. That was a definite "the timing worked out just right" situation, but with as many people as you have in New York there's more possibility for that happening.
So I think this is more about timing than anything else.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:11 AM on August 12, 2022 [3 favorites]
I've been the one placing ads for roommates in the past, and nothing really stands out about either one as being a bad thing.
However, the issue may simply be timing. We're mid-month now, and the people looking for roommates likely already met with several people and have either extended offers or are making up their minds about the people they met - so they're not going to pay attention to a new request.
Also, if you're responding to an ad that's been up for even a couple days, you're coming in behind about 65 other people - every time I've put up a "roommate wanted" ad, I've gotten about 20 emails just within the first couple hours. Even when the real estate market isn't totally crazy, it really is a seller's market when it comes to roommates.
So your ad sounds fine, I'd just work on timing a bit:
1. Check Craigslist about twice a day at least, and only send ads to the new posts that were just posted that day.
2. Be flexible about your move-in date. You may have missed the window for a move-in date of September 1st already, but September 15 may work.
3. But don't give up - a guy I know from work was in a similar struggle recently but found a place literally the last minute, because a guy unexpectedly had to kick a roommate out 3 days before the end of the month and posted an ad for an "ASAP" situation, and the guy from work saw it about a half hour after the ad went up. That was a definite "the timing worked out just right" situation, but with as many people as you have in New York there's more possibility for that happening.
So I think this is more about timing than anything else.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:11 AM on August 12, 2022 [3 favorites]
Oh, and I agree with maybe going a little shorter. You're not saying anything that specifically sounds like a dealbreaker, but you're saying a lot in general, and you may wanna save some of that for the "so who are you and what's your scene" conversation when you're checking the place out.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:12 AM on August 12, 2022
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:12 AM on August 12, 2022
I've had no problems subletting with roommate ads. I use Facebook groups (look for ghostlight housing), and I'm very aggressive and respond to everything. Usually I have something with a day or two, but I'm ready to move, if not literally pay them and exchange keys:
"Are you still looking for a roommate? I can meet today or whenever is convenient and I can pickup keys and I can pay first months rent. Thanks!"
posted by geoff. at 7:25 AM on August 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
"Are you still looking for a roommate? I can meet today or whenever is convenient and I can pickup keys and I can pay first months rent. Thanks!"
posted by geoff. at 7:25 AM on August 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
The person receiving this is going to be reading hundreds of these, so make your pitch in 100 words or less.
Below that you can put a section called “Things to know if you’re interested” and put the rest.
Your pitch is that you have steady employment, will be diligent about roommate duties, and you’re a nice person.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:27 AM on August 12, 2022 [2 favorites]
Below that you can put a section called “Things to know if you’re interested” and put the rest.
Your pitch is that you have steady employment, will be diligent about roommate duties, and you’re a nice person.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:27 AM on August 12, 2022 [2 favorites]
Most people are unlikely to spend more than 10-15 seconds reading any email, much less one of dozens in response to a roommate ad. Keep it concise.
posted by Wretch729 at 7:30 AM on August 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Wretch729 at 7:30 AM on August 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
I don't mean any offense here, but I will be blunt: if I got your message back in my apartment sharing days I'd straight up throw it in the No pile, because my immediate reaction would be "this is a possibly intense and oversharing person who might lack the self awareness to just get to the point - no thank you." You might not be like this at all, it might just be the type of writer that you are - it seems like you're really trying to just get everything about yourself on paper, when the reality is people just want to know that you're normal and pleasant and employed. They'll gauge your personality - which I'm sure is lovely! - when they interview you in person.
Agree with everyone on shortening it, probably by about 75%. You don't need this stuff about "creative spoons" or "wanting to hear about the party", your ideal conversational dynamics or invites to "tag along" - do yourself a favor and take all this stuff out. All you need is an intro, your employment situation/hours/amount you plan on being home, a sentence on your hobbies and interests, and maybe a word on how you've had a lot of positive experiences living with roommates in the past and understand the dynamic and boundaries and desire to keep a clean space.
posted by windbox at 7:45 AM on August 12, 2022 [27 favorites]
Agree with everyone on shortening it, probably by about 75%. You don't need this stuff about "creative spoons" or "wanting to hear about the party", your ideal conversational dynamics or invites to "tag along" - do yourself a favor and take all this stuff out. All you need is an intro, your employment situation/hours/amount you plan on being home, a sentence on your hobbies and interests, and maybe a word on how you've had a lot of positive experiences living with roommates in the past and understand the dynamic and boundaries and desire to keep a clean space.
posted by windbox at 7:45 AM on August 12, 2022 [27 favorites]
Completely agree that the message should be much shorter. A couple of lines with the basics: employment, smoking and/drug use status, pet status etc. If I were looking for a roommate, I would also want to know the person's gender.
posted by fies at 7:48 AM on August 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by fies at 7:48 AM on August 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
When I lived in NYC, I was in a 6br brownstone, and so often had a room opening up - I read through many such emails. Had I received your email, I'd ignore it, in part for reasons people are saying. There is way too much info here - for example, if your religion doesn't impact how you are as a roommate, there is zero reason to bring it up.
That said, your mistake isn't that it's too long (even if, for most people, it is) but that your approach is one-size-fits-all. Rather, and I know this means more work for you, but you want your reply to match the housing ad. If a housing ad says "Looking for someone to fill room ASAP" and that's it, you should send a one-line reply "Interested in seeing room, available [time]" If the housing ad provides paragraph-long bios of every housemate and talks a lot about the importance of "fit" then a long and personal reply is warranted, though again, match the sort of bios they reply. If a housing ad mentions everyone's sleep schedule, that's a sign that this is important to them, and so you should include your sleep schedule, etc.
In short, your reply needs to match the tone/length of the housing ad in order to be successful.
posted by coffeecat at 8:26 AM on August 12, 2022 [11 favorites]
That said, your mistake isn't that it's too long (even if, for most people, it is) but that your approach is one-size-fits-all. Rather, and I know this means more work for you, but you want your reply to match the housing ad. If a housing ad says "Looking for someone to fill room ASAP" and that's it, you should send a one-line reply "Interested in seeing room, available [time]" If the housing ad provides paragraph-long bios of every housemate and talks a lot about the importance of "fit" then a long and personal reply is warranted, though again, match the sort of bios they reply. If a housing ad mentions everyone's sleep schedule, that's a sign that this is important to them, and so you should include your sleep schedule, etc.
In short, your reply needs to match the tone/length of the housing ad in order to be successful.
posted by coffeecat at 8:26 AM on August 12, 2022 [11 favorites]
I agree with most everyone else that even the first one is a bit too long and over-sharey. I would cut out the personal stuff about your religion, activities you enjoy, etc. The second one is much too long, but I do like the addition of "I make more than 40x the rent and can pay a security deposit. I don't own any pets."
I would end with a firmer pitch. Say that you are available X days and Y times, and ask to meet to see the apartment. Give your phone number if you are responsive more quickly there than on email.
posted by Flock of Cynthiabirds at 8:29 AM on August 12, 2022
I would end with a firmer pitch. Say that you are available X days and Y times, and ask to meet to see the apartment. Give your phone number if you are responsive more quickly there than on email.
posted by Flock of Cynthiabirds at 8:29 AM on August 12, 2022
Yeah agreeing that this is all too much for first round. All you need is: pronouns (if they specified in their ad looking for someone who uses she/her), nonsmoker, employed at however many times the rent, WFH some days, no pets.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:32 AM on August 12, 2022
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:32 AM on August 12, 2022
Your goal with your email isn't to convince them to rent a room to you. Your goal is to convince them to email you back. The friendly tone is great. The length is way too long.
posted by bluedaisy at 8:32 AM on August 12, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by bluedaisy at 8:32 AM on August 12, 2022 [2 favorites]
Oh, and:
I added it in response to a specific listing that kept emphasizing the desire for a "chill, laidback" roommate, and I wanted to make sure that wasn't code for "will tolerate basically anything".
This is the sort of thing you need to suss out in-person, not in your response. Requests for a "chill, laidback roommate" often (but not always) is code for "needs to be cool with either drugs, mess, noise, etc." which will be obvious when you go to look at the room and meet your prospective housemates.
posted by coffeecat at 8:36 AM on August 12, 2022 [2 favorites]
I added it in response to a specific listing that kept emphasizing the desire for a "chill, laidback" roommate, and I wanted to make sure that wasn't code for "will tolerate basically anything".
This is the sort of thing you need to suss out in-person, not in your response. Requests for a "chill, laidback roommate" often (but not always) is code for "needs to be cool with either drugs, mess, noise, etc." which will be obvious when you go to look at the room and meet your prospective housemates.
posted by coffeecat at 8:36 AM on August 12, 2022 [2 favorites]
FWIW I've had to search for roommates a few times the last year or two and while your emails are maybe a bit long, you'd go in my "respond" pile because you seem like a real person who has thought out the relevant roommate details. I'm not in NYC and maybe it would be different if I had tons of other likely-looking responses, but honestly half of the responses I'd get off CL were one liners where the person gave me nothing to tell me if they might be A) A good fit as a roommate or B) An actual human being/non-bot.
I'd maybe shorten it a little bit and hold off on a few details but otherwise not strip it down too much, personally.
I also had a lot more luck finding roommate candidates this time around off of Facebook roommate groups so you could try that if you've got FB. Good luck!
posted by knownfossils at 8:43 AM on August 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
I'd maybe shorten it a little bit and hold off on a few details but otherwise not strip it down too much, personally.
I also had a lot more luck finding roommate candidates this time around off of Facebook roommate groups so you could try that if you've got FB. Good luck!
posted by knownfossils at 8:43 AM on August 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
When I used the Listings Project, I had around a 50% response rate. The email I sent was about three sentences long: name, job and hours, fairly clean, nonsmoker, phone number and availability.
Anything else, they can find out through talking to me.
I don’t think it’s only that your emails are too long. When I was apartment hunting last summer, almost everyone I met with wanted a roommate who worked outside the home. Many of them were WFH themselves and didn’t want someone on zoom in the next room. I ended up renting on my own, which was a wild process, for some apartments you have to be the first one to see it and apply as you walk out the door, but if you have the money, you may want to think about renting and then subletting a room to someone.
posted by betweenthebars at 8:49 AM on August 12, 2022 [2 favorites]
Anything else, they can find out through talking to me.
I don’t think it’s only that your emails are too long. When I was apartment hunting last summer, almost everyone I met with wanted a roommate who worked outside the home. Many of them were WFH themselves and didn’t want someone on zoom in the next room. I ended up renting on my own, which was a wild process, for some apartments you have to be the first one to see it and apply as you walk out the door, but if you have the money, you may want to think about renting and then subletting a room to someone.
posted by betweenthebars at 8:49 AM on August 12, 2022 [2 favorites]
Agree with everyone else’s comments about sharing less and being concise.
What’s missing to add (in short clear terms) are the practicals. Eg Financials, will they cohabit my space well, readiness to contact/move.
Eg
I have a salary job (x sector) and have a good credit score (xxx), can show proof of income with first/last ready. I work during the day, am quiet, clean, and have friends over but rarely.
Ready to move (period). Here’s my number can we connect to see the place whenever’s best for you (or give your avail windows).
posted by artificialard at 11:45 AM on August 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
What’s missing to add (in short clear terms) are the practicals. Eg Financials, will they cohabit my space well, readiness to contact/move.
Eg
I have a salary job (x sector) and have a good credit score (xxx), can show proof of income with first/last ready. I work during the day, am quiet, clean, and have friends over but rarely.
Ready to move (period). Here’s my number can we connect to see the place whenever’s best for you (or give your avail windows).
posted by artificialard at 11:45 AM on August 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
I’ve been on the other side of this process many times in New York, and I think your first email would have gone in my “meet this person” pile but with misgivings, because you sound nice but possibly WAY TOO INTENSE for me. I think your attempts to explain precisely how chill you are wind up giving the exact opposite impression.
However, I also want to point out that the already-fucked housing market here is currently ULTRA fucked for a variety of reasons (which Gothamist has covered extensively if you’re curious), and so no matter how perfect your email is, this is totally a numbers game.
posted by showbiz_liz at 3:34 PM on August 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
However, I also want to point out that the already-fucked housing market here is currently ULTRA fucked for a variety of reasons (which Gothamist has covered extensively if you’re curious), and so no matter how perfect your email is, this is totally a numbers game.
posted by showbiz_liz at 3:34 PM on August 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
this will be a very unpopular response around these parts, I suspect, but my philosophy with housemate search was always that respondents who I could call or who called me were default at the top of the pile, because I never felt like I could really get a sense of a person based on a text based exchange, and also.. well, I'm not someone who is great at keeping up email back and forth for long, and .. last also - also because it's really time consuming to meet people in person and show the space, so in the interest of efficiency i wanted to get a sense of them before i had to corral myself and the other housemates into a particular time. so.. maybe include a way to talk synchronously ? doesn't have to be via phone, could be something like "i'd love to voice or video zoom or facetime or whatsapp briefly if you have a moment, we could use my zoom even"
just one weirdo's two cents.. i suppose you could try it on some "throwaway" listings maybe in a neighborhood you're not even all that into and see if it gets you a bite on the line, and then feel more confident that it might help?
posted by elgee at 4:04 PM on August 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
just one weirdo's two cents.. i suppose you could try it on some "throwaway" listings maybe in a neighborhood you're not even all that into and see if it gets you a bite on the line, and then feel more confident that it might help?
posted by elgee at 4:04 PM on August 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
Mod note: From the OP:
Thanks for the help everyone! Much shorter, message received. The listings I responded to had fairly detailed descriptions of habits and desires so I assumed that was also what was desired in a response, but I definitely can see how I overdid it.posted by travelingthyme (staff) at 10:51 PM on August 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
One follow-up question: The religion in question is Islam. Does that change the advice regarding including it? My purpose was to ward off Islamophobes right from the start (I've had bad experiences in the past), but I don't want to also ward off non-Islamophobes who just think it's oversharing. I'm specifically curious if those who would generally think of sharing a religion as oversharing would see Islam as an exception.
I would still lean towards leave it off, if that’s truly the only reason you’re including it. Reason being, I would be concerned that your “doesn’t really affect how I am as a roommate” meant “but when I say ‘doesn’t really” I mean “kinda does.’” To use a related example, I’ve lived with several vegetarians, and in some cases they were sincere that they didn’t care about what I did and in other cases it became a slow creep of me being made to feel uncomfortable keeping meat around, pamphlets being left around conspicuously, etc. So now I am automatically wary of anyone who goes out of their way to mention dietary or other lifestyle restrictions that I don’t share and then insists that it isn’t a big deal, because if it wasn’t a big deal, why did you make a point to mention it?
Having said all this: I completely get that this is in service of protecting yourself from assholes, which you of course should do however seems most effective to you!
posted by showbiz_liz at 8:25 AM on August 13, 2022
Having said all this: I completely get that this is in service of protecting yourself from assholes, which you of course should do however seems most effective to you!
posted by showbiz_liz at 8:25 AM on August 13, 2022
I would include that you are Muslim to avoid potentially wasting your time with anyone who is discriminatory. It doesn't matter how Islam does/does not affect your life to a bigot.
Years ago my friends were looking for a roommate and dozens of people enthusiastically responded to their ad, only to lose interest in the place when they arrived and met two black women. They updated their ad that they were two black women and received far fewer responses, but they stopped having their time wasted and found a good mate.
posted by fies at 11:19 AM on August 13, 2022 [1 favorite]
Years ago my friends were looking for a roommate and dozens of people enthusiastically responded to their ad, only to lose interest in the place when they arrived and met two black women. They updated their ad that they were two black women and received far fewer responses, but they stopped having their time wasted and found a good mate.
posted by fies at 11:19 AM on August 13, 2022 [1 favorite]
What cleaning will you do, what won't you do? I had a great roommate because I said I hated to vacuum, but would clean the bathroom.
posted by theora55 at 11:13 AM on August 17, 2022
posted by theora55 at 11:13 AM on August 17, 2022
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But also...it's just a numbers game, and the market is wild right now.
posted by praemunire at 7:07 AM on August 12, 2022 [14 favorites]