Traveling woes
July 31, 2022 8:45 AM Subscribe
How do I manage a tricky situation involving post-concussive syndrome and a vacation with my husband's family?
Hi y'all,
I'll try to keep this as concise as I can. Back in May, I got a concussion when the metal shower curtain rod literally just fell on my head. While I never lost consciousness or had to be hospitalized, it has been a very very slooow recovery, with lots of setbacks. I've gradually gotten over my constant dizziness, but I'm still plagued by constant headaches and low energy. I'm being treated by a neurologist and the trend is up, but I'm still not really able to do a lot of my favorite things, like watch lots of TV or take long walks in the sunshine (luckily it's 99 degrees here, so no one's doing that much). I'm still slowly easing back into my job, having to take lots of screen breaks, wearing glasses, sitting in the dark, and getting pretty drained. I do have lots of tools to help manage symptoms and I am trying to stay confident that they will continue to get better over time.
My husband has been an amazing, reliable, steadfast partner through what has been a really challenging situation. I am already prone to anxiety and depression (I have a therapist and am being treated for all these things). This coming weekend marks his annual family beach weekend vacation. This is a sacred occasion - literally no one has missed this weekend in 35 years, unless they are dead. (!) It is very important to my husband. He really wants me to come on this trip.
I do not think I am up to things like airports, airplanes (we are the only relatives who are not within driving distance), crowded family meals, and long beach days. These things, which would normally be restorative and soul-healing, do not sound fun at all. (And let's not even mention Covid anxiety .......)
I am really trying to save my spoons for my job and getting back to a baseline level of functioning. Even big loud grocery stores are still pretty challenging. But when I say this, he is extremely disappointed and upset. I think my in-laws and the family may also be pretty peeved - again, I'd be the first relative to miss this in 35 years. I do have a good relationship with my in-laws, so I'd like to hope they'd understand, but this trip is just so sacred.
In fact, one year I went despite having a debilitating back injury and it was a giant disaster, in which I spent most of the time in pain and unable to do much. I'd like to think I've learned something since then, even though circumstances are different (for example, now we are married and are much better at communicating!)
It's hard because I "seem fine" on the outside (no cast, no gaping wound, going into the office most days), so people don't quite understand the wearing, wearying nature of the symptoms. My husband and his family are always sort of befuddled by things like anxiety and chronic pain that they can't see, and I already feel like I have a reputation as "the one with all the issues," if that makes sense. I really don't want to disappoint my sweet husband, who just wants to relax on the beach after a very crappy summer. All of the concussion setbacks and struggles have put a strain on our relationship, and this will not help matters. Should I just go anyway?
Any advice on how to resolve this would be most appreciated. Thanks y'all - it has been a while since I've visited here, but I always am really grateful for the words of wisdom.
Hi y'all,
I'll try to keep this as concise as I can. Back in May, I got a concussion when the metal shower curtain rod literally just fell on my head. While I never lost consciousness or had to be hospitalized, it has been a very very slooow recovery, with lots of setbacks. I've gradually gotten over my constant dizziness, but I'm still plagued by constant headaches and low energy. I'm being treated by a neurologist and the trend is up, but I'm still not really able to do a lot of my favorite things, like watch lots of TV or take long walks in the sunshine (luckily it's 99 degrees here, so no one's doing that much). I'm still slowly easing back into my job, having to take lots of screen breaks, wearing glasses, sitting in the dark, and getting pretty drained. I do have lots of tools to help manage symptoms and I am trying to stay confident that they will continue to get better over time.
My husband has been an amazing, reliable, steadfast partner through what has been a really challenging situation. I am already prone to anxiety and depression (I have a therapist and am being treated for all these things). This coming weekend marks his annual family beach weekend vacation. This is a sacred occasion - literally no one has missed this weekend in 35 years, unless they are dead. (!) It is very important to my husband. He really wants me to come on this trip.
I do not think I am up to things like airports, airplanes (we are the only relatives who are not within driving distance), crowded family meals, and long beach days. These things, which would normally be restorative and soul-healing, do not sound fun at all. (And let's not even mention Covid anxiety .......)
I am really trying to save my spoons for my job and getting back to a baseline level of functioning. Even big loud grocery stores are still pretty challenging. But when I say this, he is extremely disappointed and upset. I think my in-laws and the family may also be pretty peeved - again, I'd be the first relative to miss this in 35 years. I do have a good relationship with my in-laws, so I'd like to hope they'd understand, but this trip is just so sacred.
In fact, one year I went despite having a debilitating back injury and it was a giant disaster, in which I spent most of the time in pain and unable to do much. I'd like to think I've learned something since then, even though circumstances are different (for example, now we are married and are much better at communicating!)
It's hard because I "seem fine" on the outside (no cast, no gaping wound, going into the office most days), so people don't quite understand the wearing, wearying nature of the symptoms. My husband and his family are always sort of befuddled by things like anxiety and chronic pain that they can't see, and I already feel like I have a reputation as "the one with all the issues," if that makes sense. I really don't want to disappoint my sweet husband, who just wants to relax on the beach after a very crappy summer. All of the concussion setbacks and struggles have put a strain on our relationship, and this will not help matters. Should I just go anyway?
Any advice on how to resolve this would be most appreciated. Thanks y'all - it has been a while since I've visited here, but I always am really grateful for the words of wisdom.
Don’t go. Express your sincere disappointment. Send a snack basket and make sure your husband is clear on the party line—Yes, she’s so disappointed and would be here did she could possibly have managed it. She’s so sad. So glad to see you though! Want to go do x/y/z?
posted by studioaudience at 8:53 AM on July 31, 2022 [7 favorites]
posted by studioaudience at 8:53 AM on July 31, 2022 [7 favorites]
Talk to the neurologist. Maybe if your husband hears from them that the trip could cause a setback, he will relent.
posted by wryly at 8:54 AM on July 31, 2022 [37 favorites]
posted by wryly at 8:54 AM on July 31, 2022 [37 favorites]
You shouldn’t go. That’s very clear from your description. Your husband needs to trust your self assessment of your health and get over his expectations. If it would ease his mind, get a note from your doctor.
There is no point in going just to spend the weekend in a darkened bedroom proving to everyone you shouldn’t have gone. Take care of yourself, buy the family a bottle of wine, and let them know you’re looking forward to joining them next year.
Your husband will be disappointed, but that is what it is. Life has its disappointments. You shouldn’t sacrifice your health to try to protect him from this one.
posted by Winnie the Proust at 8:56 AM on July 31, 2022 [33 favorites]
There is no point in going just to spend the weekend in a darkened bedroom proving to everyone you shouldn’t have gone. Take care of yourself, buy the family a bottle of wine, and let them know you’re looking forward to joining them next year.
Your husband will be disappointed, but that is what it is. Life has its disappointments. You shouldn’t sacrifice your health to try to protect him from this one.
posted by Winnie the Proust at 8:56 AM on July 31, 2022 [33 favorites]
I know it can be super complex when you're marrying into family traditions, because there are all of these "shoulds" and a bit of outsider syndrome to boot. But think of it this way - what if one of the "core" members was in an accident and couldn't attend? Would they be shunned forever? Unlikely!
But I am here to give you permission to tell your husband "I am sorry you're upset - I am too - but I'm still really not well. Please go and have fun. I am sure everyone will understand when you explain how sick I've been and how long and hard this road to recovery has been, and how much I wish I was there. Facetime me! Give them all my love and I can't wait to see them next year."
Most importantly, your husband needs to have your back in this, and nip any weird on-site speculations in the bud.
posted by nkknkk at 8:58 AM on July 31, 2022 [31 favorites]
But I am here to give you permission to tell your husband "I am sorry you're upset - I am too - but I'm still really not well. Please go and have fun. I am sure everyone will understand when you explain how sick I've been and how long and hard this road to recovery has been, and how much I wish I was there. Facetime me! Give them all my love and I can't wait to see them next year."
Most importantly, your husband needs to have your back in this, and nip any weird on-site speculations in the bud.
posted by nkknkk at 8:58 AM on July 31, 2022 [31 favorites]
You absolutely do not need to go! Your husband should go with your blessing if you can get along without him at this point, and his family will have their own feelings about it which are not your responsibility to manage. If you feel up to it you can send along a nice note and gift for everyone to enjoy, or ask your husband to make a quick video call at some point so you can say hi to people.
But this beach tradition will have to change at some point as people get older, get sick, have different jobs and family obligations, etc. Someone’s going to have to be first. It may as well be you if overall that is better for your health.
posted by Stacey at 9:06 AM on July 31, 2022 [8 favorites]
But this beach tradition will have to change at some point as people get older, get sick, have different jobs and family obligations, etc. Someone’s going to have to be first. It may as well be you if overall that is better for your health.
posted by Stacey at 9:06 AM on July 31, 2022 [8 favorites]
Also giving you permission to not go. I wonder, in all of those 35 years, how many people have dragged themselves along to this holiday when they really weren't physically or mentally well enough, or just plain didn't want to for various reasons, just because "Nobody's ever missed it in 5, 10, 20, 35 years"? You might be setting a very healthy new precedent where compulsory attendance is no longer the norm. "I really don't want to go with my debilitating illness/injury/loathing of the beach/long-term beef with Auntie Hilda, I'm so grateful bookgirl18 skipped last year, it means I feel like I can just not come, oh thank GOD" people will say.
I have long covid, which is a phrase that seems to just slide off people's ears because they don't really understand what it means, or because I'm often OK and they don't understand fluctuating chronic illness, or because they just can't bear to think about covid any more, or maybe some other reason I've just not yet figured out. I sometimes find that a written description of exactly what the problem is, and what the repercussions could be of doing the wrong thing, and what you need to do to survive when things are bad, somehow hits home more than just saying "I don't think I'm up to it", so perhaps you can do that both for your husband and his relatives?
posted by penguin pie at 9:11 AM on July 31, 2022 [10 favorites]
I have long covid, which is a phrase that seems to just slide off people's ears because they don't really understand what it means, or because I'm often OK and they don't understand fluctuating chronic illness, or because they just can't bear to think about covid any more, or maybe some other reason I've just not yet figured out. I sometimes find that a written description of exactly what the problem is, and what the repercussions could be of doing the wrong thing, and what you need to do to survive when things are bad, somehow hits home more than just saying "I don't think I'm up to it", so perhaps you can do that both for your husband and his relatives?
posted by penguin pie at 9:11 AM on July 31, 2022 [10 favorites]
Wait, the concussion happened less than 3 months ago, right? "I had a concussion less than 3 months ago and am still only partly recovered, so making an intensive trip is going to be too hard for me this year, but I want you all to go and relax and have fun because it's been a hard year for everybody" - how is this something anyone can object to?
All of the concussion setbacks and struggles have put a strain on our relationship, and this will not help matters.
Three months - I hope whatever strain this has put on your relationship is mild and has to do with things like "I feel bad that he has to pick up the slack" and not "I'm frustrated that I need to pick up the slack for my concussed spouse", because this really seems like it should not be a cause for relationship strain. People get sick and injured and disabled in life, often for much longer than three months or to more acute degrees than you're describing. That seems like something a relationship's got to be able to deal with.
My husband and his family are always sort of befuddled by things like anxiety and chronic pain that they can't see, and I already feel like I have a reputation as "the one with all the issues," if that makes sense.
It sounds like this might be the root of the issue - that your husband doesn't truly believe you're in as bad a condition as you say. That's fairly natural, but also a pretty serious problem.
posted by trig at 9:28 AM on July 31, 2022 [10 favorites]
All of the concussion setbacks and struggles have put a strain on our relationship, and this will not help matters.
Three months - I hope whatever strain this has put on your relationship is mild and has to do with things like "I feel bad that he has to pick up the slack" and not "I'm frustrated that I need to pick up the slack for my concussed spouse", because this really seems like it should not be a cause for relationship strain. People get sick and injured and disabled in life, often for much longer than three months or to more acute degrees than you're describing. That seems like something a relationship's got to be able to deal with.
My husband and his family are always sort of befuddled by things like anxiety and chronic pain that they can't see, and I already feel like I have a reputation as "the one with all the issues," if that makes sense.
It sounds like this might be the root of the issue - that your husband doesn't truly believe you're in as bad a condition as you say. That's fairly natural, but also a pretty serious problem.
posted by trig at 9:28 AM on July 31, 2022 [10 favorites]
I’m disabled and couldn’t travel for my sister in laws wedding. We attended via video stream. Everyone understood. Present that as an option for some of the event. I would not suggest you attend. Your partner needs to support your health and recovery.
posted by Crystalinne at 9:29 AM on July 31, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by Crystalinne at 9:29 AM on July 31, 2022 [5 favorites]
That said, do make sure this isn't your anxiety speaking up - that you're not reading his disappointment as being more serious than it is, and that you're not projecting your own discomfort about having invisible "issues".
posted by trig at 9:31 AM on July 31, 2022 [11 favorites]
posted by trig at 9:31 AM on July 31, 2022 [11 favorites]
If this were an occasion like a wedding, or maybe even a bar mitzvah, that was happening once and you would never have the chance to attend again, I *might* take the position that you should go with lots of caveats about how you’ll have to rest or maybe skip the rehearsal dinner or something. But a beach weekend that takes place every single year, and has for the past 35 years? You’re still recovering from an actual traumatic brain injury and there’s no reason in the world you can’t give it a miss this year. If people are disappointed, well, so be it; part of being an adult is accepting that sometimes people will disappoint you and that it’s your job to deal with your disappointment in a mature way without letting it ruin the relationship.
And in fact, I wonder whether the actual issue here is that the family is not so good at dealing with disappointment in general. Because honestly, that *not one person* has missed this yearly event in 35 years seems…odd to me, in an unhealthy way. No one in the entire family ever was sick, even once in 35 years? No one ever had financial difficulties, or a work commitment, or a school event for the children, in 35 years, even once? Sounds likely that people are, at least part of the time, attending at least partly because they’re afraid to make the family angry at them. You have zero obligation to live your life in such a way that your in-laws are never angry or disappointed with you. They’ll get over it, and if they don’t, well, that’s a far deeper issue, and one that won’t go away whether you attend this year or not.
posted by holborne at 9:38 AM on July 31, 2022 [30 favorites]
And in fact, I wonder whether the actual issue here is that the family is not so good at dealing with disappointment in general. Because honestly, that *not one person* has missed this yearly event in 35 years seems…odd to me, in an unhealthy way. No one in the entire family ever was sick, even once in 35 years? No one ever had financial difficulties, or a work commitment, or a school event for the children, in 35 years, even once? Sounds likely that people are, at least part of the time, attending at least partly because they’re afraid to make the family angry at them. You have zero obligation to live your life in such a way that your in-laws are never angry or disappointed with you. They’ll get over it, and if they don’t, well, that’s a far deeper issue, and one that won’t go away whether you attend this year or not.
posted by holborne at 9:38 AM on July 31, 2022 [30 favorites]
If you felt you had to attend with a debilitating back injury, I wonder just how sick you’d need to be before you felt it was possible to not go. They way you describe this, it sounds like if this vacation happened the day you were released from the hospital after a triple amputation you’d still have to go (or you perceive it that way).
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:45 AM on July 31, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:45 AM on July 31, 2022 [4 favorites]
“The doctor told me that travel wasn’t permitted until I [specific recovery event].”
posted by sciencegeek at 9:54 AM on July 31, 2022 [9 favorites]
posted by sciencegeek at 9:54 AM on July 31, 2022 [9 favorites]
Omg, it's YOUR BRAIN. There is literally no medicine to make this better - the actual treatment for your very real injury is rest. Avoiding strain is not just about delaying recovery, it's about preventing regression as well. And I can't even fathom what the intersection of a bad case of covid might be with TBI. Jesus. Don't go. Any GP worth half a damn would write you a note saying not to go. I'm sad that your paragraphs signal that you're trying to convince us of the severity of the injury. IT'S YOUR BRAIN. It's your LIFE. Like, any sane person is horrified by those stories about football players who go back on the field after a hard hit, and you're feeling pressure to go "on the field" for a whole weekend? You are SO LUCKY to be recovering (the literature on this is grim), and I'm so happy for you, and I'm horrified that anything would risk that incredible gift of the progress you've made. This isn't the kind of shit you can just push through.
God, this is actually making me viciously angry. I'm so mad that you had to spend a precious second of your current ability to focus looking at a screen to get emotional support. I'm mad that my response is getting too long because it might strain you further to read it, but I keep typing because I want to find the right words to unlock what you need to get you through.
DON'T GO.
posted by BlueBlueElectricBlue at 9:57 AM on July 31, 2022 [30 favorites]
God, this is actually making me viciously angry. I'm so mad that you had to spend a precious second of your current ability to focus looking at a screen to get emotional support. I'm mad that my response is getting too long because it might strain you further to read it, but I keep typing because I want to find the right words to unlock what you need to get you through.
DON'T GO.
posted by BlueBlueElectricBlue at 9:57 AM on July 31, 2022 [30 favorites]
This is a sacred occasion
No, it's a beach vacation.
Look, I appreciate family traditions - my own family has some, and we all were particularly bummed when we had to forego them during the pandemic. But I agree with those suggesting that the degree to which your husband's family values this annual vacation appears unhealthy. Your husband should not be pressuring you to do something that will make you miserable (and presumably by extension, him as well?), all in the name of tradition. You've made clear that the point of this tradition is communal restoration and relaxation - well, that's not something you're capable of right now.
All of the concussion setbacks and struggles have put a strain on our relationship
I agree with trig that this seems concerning, unless your anxiety is inflating it. Three months of being a bit off and tired but otherwise ok shouldn't be a cause for so much strain that you're considering making yourself miserable to avoid more conflict.
I agree with those saying that it sounds like your husband doesn't trust your own assessment of your physical health, because of your anxiety and depression. That's concerning and something worth addressing in the long-term, but for now, I agree that getting a doctor's note from the neurologist is probably your best bet - it will give you empirical "proof" that it's not just your anxiety/depression. Sorry you have to deal with this.
posted by coffeecat at 9:59 AM on July 31, 2022 [6 favorites]
No, it's a beach vacation.
Look, I appreciate family traditions - my own family has some, and we all were particularly bummed when we had to forego them during the pandemic. But I agree with those suggesting that the degree to which your husband's family values this annual vacation appears unhealthy. Your husband should not be pressuring you to do something that will make you miserable (and presumably by extension, him as well?), all in the name of tradition. You've made clear that the point of this tradition is communal restoration and relaxation - well, that's not something you're capable of right now.
All of the concussion setbacks and struggles have put a strain on our relationship
I agree with trig that this seems concerning, unless your anxiety is inflating it. Three months of being a bit off and tired but otherwise ok shouldn't be a cause for so much strain that you're considering making yourself miserable to avoid more conflict.
I agree with those saying that it sounds like your husband doesn't trust your own assessment of your physical health, because of your anxiety and depression. That's concerning and something worth addressing in the long-term, but for now, I agree that getting a doctor's note from the neurologist is probably your best bet - it will give you empirical "proof" that it's not just your anxiety/depression. Sorry you have to deal with this.
posted by coffeecat at 9:59 AM on July 31, 2022 [6 favorites]
“Tradition means giving votes to the most obscure of all classes, our ancestors. It is the democracy of the dead. Tradition refuses to submit to the small and arrogant oligarchy of those who merely happen to be walking about.” ― G.K. Chesterton, Orthodoxy
Send your husband off to have a wonderful time and enjoy the tradition of staying home when you need to heal.
posted by warriorqueen at 10:04 AM on July 31, 2022 [17 favorites]
Send your husband off to have a wonderful time and enjoy the tradition of staying home when you need to heal.
posted by warriorqueen at 10:04 AM on July 31, 2022 [17 favorites]
Pushing yourself to go on this trip could mean that your brain never fully heals! Are you okay with that outcome?
Because "some people felt upset" seems like a much better outcome than "my brain never fully healed" !
posted by carriage pulled by cassowaries at 10:12 AM on July 31, 2022 [13 favorites]
Because "some people felt upset" seems like a much better outcome than "my brain never fully healed" !
posted by carriage pulled by cassowaries at 10:12 AM on July 31, 2022 [13 favorites]
From your description, your doctor is unlikely to approve the trip if you're upfront with your doctor about your concerns.
If you believe that your doctor might approve it anyway - and your husband would be present when you ask (say if he provides transportation to the appointments) - please contact your doctor's office beforehand, let them know that you are being pressured / feel pressured to attend this trip that you feel would be too strenuous at this time - and ask them to please FIRMLY DENY your request when you ask.
Stay home. Don't let guilt about other people's reactions hinder your physical or mental wellbeing.
posted by stormyteal at 10:15 AM on July 31, 2022 [5 favorites]
If you believe that your doctor might approve it anyway - and your husband would be present when you ask (say if he provides transportation to the appointments) - please contact your doctor's office beforehand, let them know that you are being pressured / feel pressured to attend this trip that you feel would be too strenuous at this time - and ask them to please FIRMLY DENY your request when you ask.
Stay home. Don't let guilt about other people's reactions hinder your physical or mental wellbeing.
posted by stormyteal at 10:15 AM on July 31, 2022 [5 favorites]
You need to tell him, "I know you want me to go on the trip, but what you really want is for me to want to go and to enjoy myself while I'm there, or at least not suffer. And that just can't happen this year. If I go, I'm going to be miserable and that will be even worse for you than if I stay home. So this year you're going to need to go alone. I feel bad about it, I wish I was healing faster, but going on this trip will probably actually slow down my recovery and neither of us wants that."
posted by Redstart at 10:20 AM on July 31, 2022 [8 favorites]
posted by Redstart at 10:20 AM on July 31, 2022 [8 favorites]
You don’t mention having an MRI or a CT scan, and without the reassurance of a clean scan, I wouldn’t consider subjecting myself to the pressure changes of a jet flight.
More than two months with the symptoms you have would make me raise the issue of a scan with my neurologist anyway if I hadn’t had one already. I was back on my bicycle three weeks after surgery for a large subdural hematoma which I made the mistake of waiting a month after my accident to seek treatment for, and while I had deficits, I didn’t have headaches, fatigue, light sensitivity, or dizziness post surgery, so if I were you I would want to make sure there was no ongoing problem in my brain that could be treated. This is not to suggest that you are fragile or not getting on with your life, by the way. On the contrary, you sound like a trooper so determined to get back to the battle that you may not be adequately taking care of yourself.
posted by jamjam at 10:24 AM on July 31, 2022 [8 favorites]
More than two months with the symptoms you have would make me raise the issue of a scan with my neurologist anyway if I hadn’t had one already. I was back on my bicycle three weeks after surgery for a large subdural hematoma which I made the mistake of waiting a month after my accident to seek treatment for, and while I had deficits, I didn’t have headaches, fatigue, light sensitivity, or dizziness post surgery, so if I were you I would want to make sure there was no ongoing problem in my brain that could be treated. This is not to suggest that you are fragile or not getting on with your life, by the way. On the contrary, you sound like a trooper so determined to get back to the battle that you may not be adequately taking care of yourself.
posted by jamjam at 10:24 AM on July 31, 2022 [8 favorites]
No, don't go. Your recovery has had lots of setbacks, and you don't need more. Nor do you need any complications while you're a plane ride away from your neuro and other regular medical team. (OP, I am wincing at your "went, despite painful back injury" story.) Decide that your attendance is not up for discussion. Be firm, and please don't feel guilty or ashamed.
Your husband, witness to your day-to-day struggles, should take your part in this! I'm so sorry that's not happening. Not every tradition is sacred. Instead of centering their feelings (known, or assumed), consider being at least a little disappointed in him and his extended family?
Encourage your husband to go; schedule a couple of meal deliveries, friend check-ins, and the like for that weekend, to soothe any concerns he harbors about you being alone at home. Follow Covid-safety protocols when he returns, because again, you don't need more setbacks in your recovery.
posted by Iris Gambol at 10:56 AM on July 31, 2022
Your husband, witness to your day-to-day struggles, should take your part in this! I'm so sorry that's not happening. Not every tradition is sacred. Instead of centering their feelings (known, or assumed), consider being at least a little disappointed in him and his extended family?
Encourage your husband to go; schedule a couple of meal deliveries, friend check-ins, and the like for that weekend, to soothe any concerns he harbors about you being alone at home. Follow Covid-safety protocols when he returns, because again, you don't need more setbacks in your recovery.
posted by Iris Gambol at 10:56 AM on July 31, 2022
Chiming in on the don’t-go chorus, and the recommendation to call your doctors and have them explicitly write out a note for you. (Does your husband fully understand the severity of your condition? Maybe such a note would be reason to build other accommodations into your life, like grocery delivery.)
If you feel it’s possible, I’d also encourage you NOT to apologize, or talk about how sad you are that you can’t go. Don’t feed the beast of this unrealistic family expectation. I love the model of trying “thank you” where we usually say, “sorry”. Instead of apologizing because you can’t attend or talking about how disappointed you or they might be that you can’t come, you could thank them for understanding how important your recovery is, and frame positively how happy it will make you to hear about the wonderful times they had from your husband.
The reality might be that the whole family has a big sulk about you not being there! But acting as though they *can* understand and respect your needs is a model for what it looks like to prioritize health and well-being over “tradition”. Who knows - maybe they will surprise both you and your husband with care and compassion - or maybe seeing you lovingly make space for and hold boundaries to meet your own needs would open the door for other folks to begin prioritizing their own needs, as well.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 12:14 PM on July 31, 2022 [7 favorites]
If you feel it’s possible, I’d also encourage you NOT to apologize, or talk about how sad you are that you can’t go. Don’t feed the beast of this unrealistic family expectation. I love the model of trying “thank you” where we usually say, “sorry”. Instead of apologizing because you can’t attend or talking about how disappointed you or they might be that you can’t come, you could thank them for understanding how important your recovery is, and frame positively how happy it will make you to hear about the wonderful times they had from your husband.
The reality might be that the whole family has a big sulk about you not being there! But acting as though they *can* understand and respect your needs is a model for what it looks like to prioritize health and well-being over “tradition”. Who knows - maybe they will surprise both you and your husband with care and compassion - or maybe seeing you lovingly make space for and hold boundaries to meet your own needs would open the door for other folks to begin prioritizing their own needs, as well.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 12:14 PM on July 31, 2022 [7 favorites]
I’m the able-bodied, well spouse of a person with an invisible chronic illness that limits mobility. I think you should focus on conveying to your husband how you’re doing in terms he can understand. It might sound like, “I know it’s not possible to tell from looking at me, but I feel as unwell as I did the day after my knee surgery/when I had norovirus. It takes all my energy just to manage basic daily tasks. My dizziness is as limiting to my movement as the pain/nausea was. Everything is harder than normal, from showering to thinking. I need you to believe me that I am pushing myself every day to try to get better, but if I push too hard I will end up sicker and take longer to recover.” Don’t let thoughts like “well, it’s not pain/nausea, it’s just dizziness” or “well, it’s not every minute of the day, it’s more random,” sway you to downplay the impact this is having on your functioning. You are currently, at least temporarily, disabled, and you deserve to have your spouse understand your limits. If you were using a wheelchair and the vacation house and activities weren’t wheelchair accessible, surely you’d give yourself permission not to go, right? If so, you deserve to respect your own limits under your actual circumstances. Going on this trip in your condition would be like trying to run a marathon with no training: best case scenario you feel absolutely miserable but have minimal lasting damage from the experience, but more likely, you end up hurt in some way.
posted by theotherdurassister at 12:34 PM on July 31, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by theotherdurassister at 12:34 PM on July 31, 2022 [4 favorites]
They didn't all go to this sacred beach house during COVID, did they? Extraordinary times call for extraordinary measures. Please stay home and help yourself recover.
posted by tristeza at 12:54 PM on July 31, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by tristeza at 12:54 PM on July 31, 2022 [1 favorite]
In fact, one year I went despite having a debilitating back injury and it was a giant disaster, in which I spent most of the time in pain and unable to do much.
Remind your husband about this time and tell him you don't want another disastrous weekend where you're in pain and unable to do much. Tell him to go without you.
posted by sunflower16 at 1:02 PM on July 31, 2022 [1 favorite]
Remind your husband about this time and tell him you don't want another disastrous weekend where you're in pain and unable to do much. Tell him to go without you.
posted by sunflower16 at 1:02 PM on July 31, 2022 [1 favorite]
This won't help with your family but it may help soothe your anxiety to reframe things in your own mind.
A family vacation that this many people have not missed in this many years is bad, actually. It is impossible that no one has had an injury, illness, work obligation, personal opportunity, birth, grief, interpersonal conflict, etcetera that by rights should have kept them away. (In fact, you know this to be true, because it has happened twice to you personally!) I'm not surprised to hear that your husband and his family are "befuddled" by things they cannot see, since ignoring inconvenient life events or negative emotions is the only way one would be able to maintain the myth of perfect, friction-less attendance on this yearly trip. Confusion (whether performative or real) is often just another way to enact avoidance, and it sounds like maintaining the conditions of avoidance is a necessary protocol for them. A family with one massive, guilt-tripping obligation doesn't ever have only one massive, guilt-tripping obligation, you know what I'm saying?
Don't go. The health of your literal brain--not to mention, you know, your happiness--are far more important than maintaining a family myth.
posted by CtrlAltDelete at 3:18 PM on July 31, 2022 [10 favorites]
A family vacation that this many people have not missed in this many years is bad, actually. It is impossible that no one has had an injury, illness, work obligation, personal opportunity, birth, grief, interpersonal conflict, etcetera that by rights should have kept them away. (In fact, you know this to be true, because it has happened twice to you personally!) I'm not surprised to hear that your husband and his family are "befuddled" by things they cannot see, since ignoring inconvenient life events or negative emotions is the only way one would be able to maintain the myth of perfect, friction-less attendance on this yearly trip. Confusion (whether performative or real) is often just another way to enact avoidance, and it sounds like maintaining the conditions of avoidance is a necessary protocol for them. A family with one massive, guilt-tripping obligation doesn't ever have only one massive, guilt-tripping obligation, you know what I'm saying?
Don't go. The health of your literal brain--not to mention, you know, your happiness--are far more important than maintaining a family myth.
posted by CtrlAltDelete at 3:18 PM on July 31, 2022 [10 favorites]
You have a TBI, no minimizing. Enjoy a restful weekend at home while you don’t go and make things worse. You deserve to heal. You deserve to rest. Say no, and put this out of your mind.
posted by Bottlecap at 5:39 PM on July 31, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Bottlecap at 5:39 PM on July 31, 2022 [1 favorite]
Don't go. Your husband needs to be an adult here and manage his own feelings, not force you into putting yourself at risk for further injury in order for you to manage his emotions. Even more so for his family.
posted by lapis at 6:09 PM on July 31, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by lapis at 6:09 PM on July 31, 2022 [2 favorites]
If 3 months of this is putting a strain on your marriage, imagine how it will fare if you go and set back your recovery and never return to normal. I wouldn’t risk that.
posted by Bottlecap at 6:38 PM on July 31, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Bottlecap at 6:38 PM on July 31, 2022 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thanks everyone. I should say that I think this is hard for him (both of us) because it triggers bad memories of that back injury and other times when my anxiety and depression made things difficult. This whole thing has been one step forward, then I move my head backwards a funny way and I’m two steps back. So it’s not just these last months … there is a history there of me getting anxious and depressed when injured, and it’s hard to be a partner of an anxious or depressed person, however understandable it is.
Doctors don’t seem concerned about my prognosis or about my traveling- they just say I should trust my instincts and listen to my body. They say some people take longer than others and that I am not showing any worrying symptoms.
All that said, I did just call my mother-in-law and tell her I’m not going. She was remarkably cold and that feels shitty to both me and my husband. I really am a people pleaser who hates this. But I appreciate the support from you guys. And my husband is on board too to support me, I promise!
posted by bookgirl18 at 7:21 PM on July 31, 2022 [18 favorites]
Doctors don’t seem concerned about my prognosis or about my traveling- they just say I should trust my instincts and listen to my body. They say some people take longer than others and that I am not showing any worrying symptoms.
All that said, I did just call my mother-in-law and tell her I’m not going. She was remarkably cold and that feels shitty to both me and my husband. I really am a people pleaser who hates this. But I appreciate the support from you guys. And my husband is on board too to support me, I promise!
posted by bookgirl18 at 7:21 PM on July 31, 2022 [18 favorites]
I am really sorry your MIL was cold and shitty to you but telling them — actually telling them — is assuredly the most stressful part of this. YOU DID THE RIGHT THING and right now you are ACTIVELY taking care of yourself. That is so, so important.
I can’t fly right now because of a health thing and I had to back out of a business trip that would have been good to go on (I’d be seen as a real team player etc etc) I STRUGGLED with letting my coworker know (plus i was having trouble seeing myself as someone with a health problem that needed accommodations) but once it was done I was flooded with relief. I hope the same is true for you too, and I hope you continue to recover. I find it helpful to treat myself with the care and compassion I would treat someone I love. It makes it easier to advocate for and protect myself. xoxo.
posted by kate blank at 8:38 PM on July 31, 2022 [2 favorites]
I can’t fly right now because of a health thing and I had to back out of a business trip that would have been good to go on (I’d be seen as a real team player etc etc) I STRUGGLED with letting my coworker know (plus i was having trouble seeing myself as someone with a health problem that needed accommodations) but once it was done I was flooded with relief. I hope the same is true for you too, and I hope you continue to recover. I find it helpful to treat myself with the care and compassion I would treat someone I love. It makes it easier to advocate for and protect myself. xoxo.
posted by kate blank at 8:38 PM on July 31, 2022 [2 favorites]
I just want to say how relieved I am that you’re not going. I am SO GLAD. I’m so glad! I was reading your post absolutely horrified at the reactions of your family (to both past and current injuries), and I was so hoping you’d take the unanimous advice of staying home.
Your brain is injured and needs to rest. The beach will be there for later, and I’m sorry your MIL is being too self-centered to see that right now. Rest up, take it easy, and wishing you quick recovery.
posted by lesser weasel at 3:16 AM on August 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
Your brain is injured and needs to rest. The beach will be there for later, and I’m sorry your MIL is being too self-centered to see that right now. Rest up, take it easy, and wishing you quick recovery.
posted by lesser weasel at 3:16 AM on August 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
Another thought as someone in your husband’s shoes, having made my own mistakes in the process of understanding my spouse’s disability: it’s not my job to perfectly anticipate and understand my spouse’s pain level or mobility at all times, but it is my job to believe him and prioritize what he says he’s experiencing over any family bullshit. I have relatives who don’t understand why he “can’t just xyz” and I don’t need to give them a satisfactory explanation. I often try to give useful information (e.g., “that’s too much walking for him” or, “we’re only doing outdoor dining to limit Covid risk”) but one of the best shifts I’ve made has been from thinking “I need to do what I can to keep everyone happy and make this family event go smoothly” to “if my relatives are bummed out that we can’t join them for something that would be too painful for my spouse and they’re not willing/able to empathize with his literal physical limitations, I need to just accept that they’re bummed out.”
If it’d be helpful, I’d be happy to share about my experiences with your husband. No pressure of course, but being a caregiver/able-bodied spouse is something I’ve felt quite alone in at times, and I’m game to help others feel less alone if I can.
posted by theotherdurassister at 6:31 AM on August 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
If it’d be helpful, I’d be happy to share about my experiences with your husband. No pressure of course, but being a caregiver/able-bodied spouse is something I’ve felt quite alone in at times, and I’m game to help others feel less alone if I can.
posted by theotherdurassister at 6:31 AM on August 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
She was remarkably cold
WHATEVER. She's remarkably blinkered, is what she is. This exalted yearly beach trip is some asinine ablist bullshit and needs to get exploded anyway. Befuddled, schmeschmuddled: why do some people have to get personally sick or wounded to realize that none of us is going to be hale forever and that decent behavior toward and accommodations for the unwell should be policy because it is good for them, too? Maybe the family has been run like a marine corps basic training operation for 35 years and everybody's toed the line and uniformly hollered praise about the sacred beach trip so far, but I agree with other commenters that not everybody in the family is fine with the rules, whatever they've all been saying on Facebook. Furthermore, eventually every single person in this family will cease to be "befuddled" because they'll get hurt or sick themselves.
posted by Don Pepino at 7:50 AM on August 1, 2022 [4 favorites]
WHATEVER. She's remarkably blinkered, is what she is. This exalted yearly beach trip is some asinine ablist bullshit and needs to get exploded anyway. Befuddled, schmeschmuddled: why do some people have to get personally sick or wounded to realize that none of us is going to be hale forever and that decent behavior toward and accommodations for the unwell should be policy because it is good for them, too? Maybe the family has been run like a marine corps basic training operation for 35 years and everybody's toed the line and uniformly hollered praise about the sacred beach trip so far, but I agree with other commenters that not everybody in the family is fine with the rules, whatever they've all been saying on Facebook. Furthermore, eventually every single person in this family will cease to be "befuddled" because they'll get hurt or sick themselves.
posted by Don Pepino at 7:50 AM on August 1, 2022 [4 favorites]
I had post-concussion syndrome that ended up sticking around for a few years, and I'm very glad you're not going.
posted by The corpse in the library at 1:54 PM on August 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by The corpse in the library at 1:54 PM on August 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
I hope you'll reread all these supportive comments if someone makes you feel bad about not going. Holy Hannah! You are healing from an injury! During a pandemic!
Please give yourself all the permission in the world to NOT please these people.
I'm sure your husband would be super happy if you felt well and could go as a cheerful participant, but if you can't, then he should be up for doing the trip on his own. If that bums him out, then he should maybe give that a think and decide whether he wants to go. Either way, you're making the right choice for you.
And, as someone dealing with chronic health issues, I hope you'll give yourself permission to find some ways to enjoy being home. Just because you have a situation that is preventing you from going on this vacation, it doesn't mean you have to be home "sick" and bummed out. If there are things that would make you feel more comfortable, keep you on a good trajectory or just enjoy some time to yourself, please do it! You're not cheating on the Super! Important! Precious! Required! Beach! Vacation!
posted by annaramma at 6:41 PM on August 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
Please give yourself all the permission in the world to NOT please these people.
I'm sure your husband would be super happy if you felt well and could go as a cheerful participant, but if you can't, then he should be up for doing the trip on his own. If that bums him out, then he should maybe give that a think and decide whether he wants to go. Either way, you're making the right choice for you.
And, as someone dealing with chronic health issues, I hope you'll give yourself permission to find some ways to enjoy being home. Just because you have a situation that is preventing you from going on this vacation, it doesn't mean you have to be home "sick" and bummed out. If there are things that would make you feel more comfortable, keep you on a good trajectory or just enjoy some time to yourself, please do it! You're not cheating on the Super! Important! Precious! Required! Beach! Vacation!
posted by annaramma at 6:41 PM on August 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
This is a sacred occasion - literally no one has missed this weekend in 35 years, unless they are dead
Ah, so the whole family is pressured to show up even if they have "oh this cough surely isn't anything contagious".
Perhaps if your doctor said you shouldn't go? Talk to your doctor, you can either explore your options or ask your doctor to please write you a note that you can't go due to post concussion syndrome. If the family likes sports find the name of a sports they like person who had issues due to concussion, maybe even an explanation about "being in training to get back in the game" or something.
posted by yohko at 2:15 PM on August 5, 2022
Ah, so the whole family is pressured to show up even if they have "oh this cough surely isn't anything contagious".
Perhaps if your doctor said you shouldn't go? Talk to your doctor, you can either explore your options or ask your doctor to please write you a note that you can't go due to post concussion syndrome. If the family likes sports find the name of a sports they like person who had issues due to concussion, maybe even an explanation about "being in training to get back in the game" or something.
posted by yohko at 2:15 PM on August 5, 2022
This thread is closed to new comments.
Otherwise, you're very sorry, but you're too sick to go. You couldn't be relaxing on the beach anyway. Your husband absolutely has permission to go without you. You can't wait to see everyone next year.
It's okay that your husband is upset. You understand that this is important to him, and if you could go, you would. But you need to focus on getting better. You're looking forward to hearing all about it from him.
posted by praemunire at 8:53 AM on July 31, 2022 [35 favorites]