Relax.

July 24, 2022 11:51 AM

How do you talk yourself into relaxing when you’re angry?

After a morning of aggravations and set-backs, I find myself stuck in my car in a parking lot for two hours waiting for a ferry. This derails my weekend plan and wastes a precious Sunday. I’m so, so angry.

Clearly I need to chill out and accept my fate. Intellectually, I know this. But it’s not as easy as flipping a switch. I’m full of adrenaline from trying frantically to solve this problem, and failing. Looking for life hacks and routines for calming down.

posted by qxntpqbbbqxl to Health & Fitness (20 answers total)

Best answer: - vasovagal trix: deep breaths, at least 30s. plunge face into ice/very cold water several times.
- 12 step trix. identify what parts were out of your control. AND accept any responsibility for what happened that's on your side of the street.
- body trix: are you hungry or tired? can you fix that?
- systematics trix - move a part of your attention to the left hand. let go of any unnecessary pain or tension. become aware of any sensation in the hand.
- spiritual trix: Ask For Help, however you do that.

best - j_
posted by j_curiouser at 12:05 PM on July 24, 2022 [9 favorites]

Can you listen to music in the car? Like kind of loud and sing along? I do this (not in a car, don't have one but somewhere it wont bother others,), lixsten loudl to like really emotional stuff, for me thats Adele. Not something angry but something over the top emotional and immerse into this other emotion instead of my own.
posted by 15L06 at 12:17 PM on July 24, 2022 [1 favorite]

Complete the stress cycle.

Deep breathing is not always going to do it for me, and stuck in the car I find laughing is the best option. Find a comedy podcast or pull up a Weird Al album. I also like autocorrect fails (though sometimes they make me pee, maybe not while you're stuck in the car) and goats screaming like humans.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:19 PM on July 24, 2022 [8 favorites]

Best answer: You're 90% of the way there, having recognized that you're angry about something you can't change, and acknowledged that you don't want to be angry.
For me, the last 10% is recognizing that part of me does want to be angry — that adrenalized emotion is feeding itself — and then pretty much laughing at the absurdity of it. Once I recognize that I'm pissed off because an animalistic part of me likes being pissed off, I usually snap right out of it. YMMV.
posted by mumkin at 12:24 PM on July 24, 2022 [8 favorites]

How annoying to have to wait and how disappointing it is to feel your plans have been completely messed up!! As others have said, you're doing great: you're self-aware and trying to find good ways to deal.

As long you feel comfortable with it, I say lean into the anger by composing -- but not sending -- an email to a friend describing the situation. "Dear Bob, I just missed the ferry to XYZ and it seems my weekend plan is messed up and now I have wasted a Sunday!" Then explore those feelings because underneath something is deeper, frustration or helpless underneath the surface; this anger can likely lead to positive self-reflection about priorities. "I feel I have wasted a Sunday, which sucks because work has been super stressful lately and I was really hoping to return on Monday more relaxed." Or "I keep wanting to have a fun weekend but little things happen and my joy disappears. Why has it been so hard to feel happy lately?" Maybe you're just feeling grouchy because you're tired or annoyed because you want to mow the lawn before it rains; however, I think such reflection could ultimately be positive. Regardless, you've got this! I hope your Sunday evening is better than the day.
posted by smorgasbord at 12:38 PM on July 24, 2022 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I imagine someone I love seeing my evident anger and being hurt by it.

Once I was angry about something that was going on in the world, nothing even personal, and I happened to glance over at my partner and found myself wondering 'huh, what's that look on her face?' and before I could even complete that thought I realized 'Fear! That’s fear! — and I’m causing it!' and the anger was extinguished so fast I stumbled and almost fell on my face.

I really haven’t been nearly as angry since then in any circumstance, and that was decades ago. All the things I tried over so many years to rein in my temper, and all it took in the end was a look on one person's face.
posted by jamjam at 12:44 PM on July 24, 2022 [14 favorites]

For me if I can become aware of how much I'm tensing my jaw, thrusting my chin forward and grinding my back teeth, then working on relaxing the muscles doing those things can often break the cycle of grrrrrnnnghhhh...

If it manifests in the same place for you, try opening your mouth wide, letting your jaw hang as slack as possible and breathing deeply for a minute or two. Doing this in front of a mirror can be an extra help ; if you can get in tune with just how ridiculous you look, that's starting to put a bit of distance between yourself and your bodily responses.

I'm sorry your weekend got screwed up. Bonne courage for getting through the rest of it.
posted by protorp at 12:45 PM on July 24, 2022 [3 favorites]

For me I generally either have to complete it physically (go for a sprint/walk/spring/walk run or jump), or cry, or sometimes angry journalling helps. When I've been trapped at workplaces that have stairs I will literally run up and down the stairwells a few times.

If I'm in a place where I can't do that I'll go to the washroom and splash cold water and do some breathing/grounding stuff.

In your shoes I'd abandon my car and go for a run or an angry walk or if there were a place to throw stones at the water I would do that and then I would get an ice cream and read a good book on my phone. But I am not you I am just trying to brainstorm for you. I feel for you hard, for me the 'wasted Sunday' is a huge trigger. It usually relates to being overscheduled but there are rarely quick fixes for that. Unless you can call in sick for tomorrow today.
posted by warriorqueen at 12:53 PM on July 24, 2022

20 jumping jacks, splash some cold water on your face, poop if you can, and drink a cold bottle of water.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 12:57 PM on July 24, 2022

Best answer: I get so furious sometimes! And yeah like protorp says, bad for my jaw and I try to do some physical stuff to get a little more "in my body" and a little less in my head.

- Standing and doing some stretching--a few basic things like downward-facing dog, back stretches, maybe some planks--or even just moving my head and neck in a few different ways.
- Having a snack or something else that changes my blood sugar (maybe a drink if it's late and that's not a problem) which can help me focus on some positive physical sensations. Similarly taking a shower can sometimes work for this.
- Look at things around yourself and try to enjoy/appreciate your surroundings. Sometimes this is an exercise in gratitude because maybe things don't look that great and you have to work at it.

But also, readjusting your head can sometimes help. Acknowledging the feeling and moving past it. Sometimes anger can be anxiety, sometimes anger can be frustration, sometimes anger can be fear, sometimes anger can be hunger or tiredness, sometimes anger can be an unresolved conflict or feeling pressure from external forces. Trying to figure out why you're having this feeling a little more "Oh I was really looking forward to spending this time watching a movie and now I'm stuck waiting for this stupid ferry because of reasons" can sometimes let you then set it aside.
posted by jessamyn at 1:24 PM on July 24, 2022 [1 favorite]

Best answer: This is going to sound crazy, but it works for me. There was an episode of the Honeymooners from decades ago whereby Ed gives Ralph a mantra to deal with this sort of situation. It is simple, but it works for me maybe because it is simple and silly.

Pins and needles,
Needles and pins.
A happy man is a man that grins.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 1:33 PM on July 24, 2022 [3 favorites]

I take three. Deep. Breaths. Long, full, belly-expanding breaths. Does it solve the problem? No. But it can give me the space needed to be better able to start solving it, instead of just barreling along down the same path, with the same set of feelings and same mindset, which will inevitably just lead me to the same result.

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom.

- Victor Frankyl


Also i try to remind myself of the vast trove of research showing the long-term health effects of anger, and my own lived experience of some of those effects (hello heart attack at an early age), and how my body doesn’t need any more of that. So i try to choose — and give myself permission to have — a change of mindset that won’t grind me down any more.
posted by armoir from antproof case at 2:01 PM on July 24, 2022 [3 favorites]

nthing the getting it out in a physical kind of way. If I were in your shoes I'd clean the car shake out the mats, empty out the dash and trunk. Maybe get some wet paper towels and wipe things down.
posted by ljesse at 2:02 PM on July 24, 2022 [2 favorites]

When traveling it's best to focus on the here & now, and especially when away from home don't do anything while feeling frantic. Sit quietly for awhile, get something to eat, listen to music, and let the adrenaline burn out of your system. Take some deep breaths. Then try to focus on what you need to do right now. The weekend isn't over until it's over.
posted by bleep at 2:40 PM on July 24, 2022

Best answer: I make myself slow down, acknowledge my feelings, and that anger is okay and useful, but remind myself that I will make the best decisions if I am centered and not making choices from a position of anger. Deep breaths are helpful for relaxing. I would use the "wasted" time to do something like watch an inspirational lecture on YouTube on medicine or physics or something that I wanted to do but didn't have the time to get to earlier. This helps me calm down, refocus, have some other useful thoughts and not act out impulsively.
posted by effluvia at 2:44 PM on July 24, 2022

Don Pepino, you are a saint. I hope your mother appreciates you!
posted by JohnnyGunn at 4:01 PM on July 24, 2022 [2 favorites]

Here's a potentially-useful article on emotional processing.
posted by heatherlogan at 4:41 PM on July 24, 2022 [2 favorites]

My phone has made SUCH a difference in the level of patience I have nowadays. Not that I wouldn't be disappointed and angry about ruined Sunday plans, but after a few minutes of gnashing my teeth in frustration, I'd immediately begin thinking of how I could use the time either to relax or to be productive.

I might watch a movie, or read a book on my Kindle app, or think up a snarkily humorous Facebook post, or zone out and listen to some music. Or I might make my meal plan and grocery list for the week, or call someone I haven't talked to in a while. Or just mindlessly scroll TikTok.

Barring any of that, I might simply set an alarm and take a nap.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 4:46 PM on July 24, 2022

This is a more cognitive approach, but I ask myself "will this matter in 5 months? 5 years?". I try to imagine how I'll feel about it then, or if I'll even remember it. If I won't have any emotional reaction to it in 5 months, I can acknowledge it's probably not that big a deal right now.
posted by umwelt at 10:22 AM on July 25, 2022 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Thanks all for the answers! I did eventually return to my senses. I ate a banana and focused on my breathing. The ensuing physical awareness led me to realize I was roasting inside the car so I started the engine and cranked the AC. I would not normally do this while parked, but the car was right next to a smelly porta-potty, so opening the windows was unappealing. That cold air felt fantastic. I hope to one day become unflappable with the help of these strategies.
posted by qxntpqbbbqxl at 3:51 PM on July 25, 2022 [4 favorites]