How do you relate with your older parent?

July 19, 2022 9:50 PM

I'm looking for examples of the roles and boundaries that have proven helpful (or that you recommend avoiding) in your relationship with your elderly parent.

My mother is entering her mid-70s, living independently but there are the beginning of signs that this won't last forever. She's been a widow for 25+ years and I'm an only child (married), so I feel a fair amount of pressure and duty. Our relationship is not super tight-- certainly not abusive -- but we just don't have a lot in common and I'm not always great at relating to people.

I'm just trying to figure out what is appropriate and what I want and I'm having a hard time conceptualizing / verbalizing what that might be; I hope some examples might help me. Thanks!

posted by Superilla to Human Relations (8 answers total)

Find something that is low-stakes and interesting to her, that creates conversations.

My dad was into vintage luxury cars, he was always pootling around in something ancient and temperamental with leather seats.

So we would go around to car lots, look at old cars and talk about them. Or we'd grab some free copies of AutoTrader or such.

That usually created other conversations.

The time he forgot to put the top back up on an Aston Martin and had to drive home from a concert sitting in a puddle, or the time my mom forgot to set the parking brake on the Morris Minor and it rolled off a cliff.

As our parents age, they want to tell stories, and there's always some object or hobby that exists as a doorway. Find the doorway.
posted by champers at 4:09 AM on July 20, 2022 [3 favorites]

Agreed with champers above. Find an entry point, ask questions, get her to tell stories.

Historically my late 70s mom and I haven't been that close, but it's improving as we both get older. Most of my phone convos with her are not that engaging. It's usually her listing off the errands she needs to run. But the other day I had a migraine and couldn't distract myself with social media during our chat and could only listen with my eyes closed. I'm planning a big upcoming vacation, and I asked my mom about her first 'big trip' with her parents and that led into her talking about this road trip in the 50s to New York where I live now and I asked her about her first impressions of the city as a child etc etc etc.

So maybe think of whats going on in your life currently, and ask your mom a relevant question about how it was going through the same thing in her life. Did you recently start a new job? Ask her about how she got her first job. Are you spending time at the beach this summer? Ask her what she did with her summers before she was married with kids. Are you catching a flight somewhere soon? Ask her about the first time she was on a plane. Could you talk about your dad? Sounds like you both lost him very early.

Could you learn something together? Maybe you both start picking up a new language on duolingo and challenge each other. Or a new instrument, something small like a ukulele. Or a more complicated game like chess. Or a hobby like embroidery.

Also for when you are together, could you find a shared hobby/pasttime/new tradition? Could be something so simple as going for a short walk in the same place whenever you hang out or cooking the same meal together or playing a board game. (e.g. Somehow over the last decade or so, everything I'm visiting home, my mom and I end up driving to the same overlook on the Blue Ridge Parkway, so that usually kills about and hour or two and we just comment on the changing of the seasons and growth over time. We also play scrabble for hours over wine, which can be really funny bc my mom is a lightweight and a sore loser.) My friend has started taking her elder parents on easy hikes in the woods and they challenge each other to find the best walking stick, then they have a place that they hide the walking sticks ["family hiding place"] to see if they will still be there the next time they go for a walk. Maybe you could start a vegetable garden together? Buy some planters and shop for seeds/plants, plant/cultivate/harvest together. Then cook and enjoy!

I spent most of my life trying to get my mom to meet me in the middle on common ground but it was tricky and frustrating so I just try to meet her where she is now or create new common ground together.

Good luck!
posted by greta simone at 6:35 AM on July 20, 2022 [5 favorites]

I haven't read it, but cartoonist Roz Chast's book Can't We Talk about Something More Pleasant? might be helpful, or at least entertaining.
posted by neuron at 9:09 AM on July 20, 2022 [1 favorite]

Does your mother like jigsaw puzzles? Easy to do together, fills time, and you can listen to podcasts while doing them, and then discuss the podcast together after. Or use this as a way to share your music tastes with each other.
posted by coffeecat at 10:40 AM on July 20, 2022 [1 favorite]

I talk to my mother nearly every day by phone. She prefers to talk about the present and does not like to tell stories or answer a lot of questions. So, we typically talk about her day-to-day (errands, activities, health etc.) I ask her abut what is going on with her friends and relatives who she keeps in touch with and she likes to tell me the latest. What I think is most important for us is that I listen to her and show genuine interest in how she is doing and what she is up to. Sometimes that's just watering the plants or trying to get the refrigerator fixed.

She also likes to stay up to date on current events and culture in the news but not dwell on the negative. So, I try to tell her about interesting and not stressful/depressing news. She likes theater and art so appreciates when I tell her about something new that I've read about happening on Broadway, shows in her city, a new artist I've learned about etc.

What works with your mom will of course vary based on her capacity, interests, and communication style. But I imagine just showing you care, listening and taking your cues from her is a good place to start.
posted by fies at 12:06 PM on July 20, 2022 [1 favorite]

my dad’s age and solo living, as well as my feeling of responsibility, are similar to what you describe. my dad is fiercely independent— it seems like the value he places on his independence grows in direct proportion to limitations developing. it’s clear he wants to stay living independently for as long as he can.

my role has shifted to more listening, and more of a facilitator. it’s difficult to put my finger on, but his aging has somehow made him more at the centre of our shared attention. I try to keep my tone a little gentler with him, be patient, and ask more questions. i’m a lot more mindful of not talking over him or brushing him aside. knowing how important his independence is to him, i have reoriented to ensuring his autonomy where i can— even if it’s just little things like a dinner preference, which blanket he wants, or simply listening when he tells me about some other mundane choices he has made. i still sometimes challenge him or broach difficult topics. however, i try to keep the tough things brief, or let them go if he seems tired. there is a lot of working to understand what his capacity is on a given day, or hour.

boundaries are also important, because a person could run themselves ragged caring for another person. he often doesn’t take my advice or suggestions, so i need to have a boundary around my investment in the outcome of anything that isn’t life/death or otherwise quite serious. for example, spending hours finding elasticized waist shorts in his size when he was starting to regain the use of his hands post-accident— and then having him reject the shorts because they aren’t his “style”, and prefers to wear clothes full of actual holes. it’s exasperating, but my boundary here is to remember that when i’m doing something “for him”, it can only ever be an offering. he will continue to live his own life for as long as he’s alive (*knocks wood*).

i wish you lots of luck navigating this time with your mom. the closest i can get to advice is: listen to your mom, and let her guide her own way. she doesn’t get to make decisions for you, so watch that the boundaries between her independence and yours remain intact. decide what role you are comfortable with, and let that guide you through this changing time.
posted by tamarack at 11:11 PM on July 20, 2022 [2 favorites]

Your Mom is independent now, and it's best for both of you that she can live that way as long as possible. This may mean some evaluation and planning now. Is her house safe once her mobility goes down? No stairs? My parents moved to a smaller one-floor house in their 70s, and that was extremely smart. My aunt, by contrast, had to move when she already had cognitive problems, and it caused immense confusion and stress.
posted by zompist at 2:41 PM on July 21, 2022 [2 favorites]

I’m one of those rare birds with a good relationship with my mom, who is close in age to yours. I live in walking distance from her house. A boundary that I have built with mom over the last 10 years is, “I am taking you at your word.” Meaning if she wants help, she needs to say it and not hem and haw say, ”noooooo I’m fine” and expect me to figure out that she wants help anyway. Easy for her. Easy for me. Less stress and hurt feelings all around.

She still lives in the one-floor house I grew up in, which is great for aging in place. She had some falls a few years back and that allowed me to open up a dialogue about what we can do to make her house safer. We made a list of improvements including installing rails next to her outdoor steps, renovating her tub into a shower with hand rails and a seat, moving her washer/dryer down from the attic onto the main floor, and replacing old wall to wall carpet that became wrinkly with age. She has ownership of those tasks and is chipping away at that list.

We talk almost every night for about 20 minutes on FaceTime and much of it is me listening to what she did with her day and how the Phillies are doing. We go out to eat one night a week.

Today is the last day of a mostly-yearly vacation I take with her. It builds new memories for us so I’m not always hearing about what we did when I was a kid.

I hope you find some strategies that work for you!
posted by kimberussell at 7:36 PM on July 21, 2022 [2 favorites]