Help us survive toddler sleep issues
June 3, 2022 4:10 AM Subscribe
Our otherwise pretty great toddler is going through a really difficult (what we hope is just a) phase. Our 2 year, 4 month old son has gone from normally waking up between 6:45am-7:30am in the mornings to between 5-6am and it's awful. More details inside.
Our toddler, who I'll call J, typically gets put down for bed in his crib between 7:15pm and 8pm. Until around a month ago we'd do his bedtime routine, rock him in his chair for a minute or two and then place him in his crib, where he'd sleep through the night and then wake up between 6:45am and 7:30am, sitting up or standing in his crib quietly until we came to get him.
Around a month ago he began to become more difficult at bedtime, getting upset when we'd finish reading a book and then turning on his white noise machine. He'd complain and cry sometimes and we'd have to rock him longer than usual, and some nights he'd be put into the crib still crying and yelling for us. We would then do the sleep training intervals of waiting 5 minutes, ten minutes, etc. coming in to talk to him gently until he'd lay back down and fall asleep. Most times it only took a single visit, or he'd be asleep before even 5 full minutes of crying.
While the bedtime portion has gotten better, the mornings have not. J has been waking up between 5am and 6am, screaming and crying for mommy or daddy. When myself or his mom go in to get him, he'll then start crying or screaming for whichever of us is not there (if I go in to get him, he'll start screaming "mooommmy, mooommmy"). We have tried to have him just lay back down on us in the rocking chair in his room, which is something we've done many times in the past. Now, however, he will continue crying and yelling until we bring him back to our bed with us. The first thing he does is start to whine and whine for us to get him his cup of milk from downstairs. This happens 99% of the time. I go get him milk.
In bed he tosses and turns, never falls back asleep, and just seems to be biding his time until he then asks us to go downstairs or simply gets off the bed and starts whining to go downstairs. He lasts anywhere between 10 minutes and 40 minutes before he might do this.
At this point we don't know what the right methods to try to improve this situation are. Unlike at night with sleep training, letting him "cry it out" in the morning does not work. He doesn't lay back down in his crib and he doesn't go back to sleep. We've tried slightly moving his bedtime earlier or later to see if that has any effect and so far nothing has changed.
Please help us, and our son, get more sleep. Thanks!
Our toddler, who I'll call J, typically gets put down for bed in his crib between 7:15pm and 8pm. Until around a month ago we'd do his bedtime routine, rock him in his chair for a minute or two and then place him in his crib, where he'd sleep through the night and then wake up between 6:45am and 7:30am, sitting up or standing in his crib quietly until we came to get him.
Around a month ago he began to become more difficult at bedtime, getting upset when we'd finish reading a book and then turning on his white noise machine. He'd complain and cry sometimes and we'd have to rock him longer than usual, and some nights he'd be put into the crib still crying and yelling for us. We would then do the sleep training intervals of waiting 5 minutes, ten minutes, etc. coming in to talk to him gently until he'd lay back down and fall asleep. Most times it only took a single visit, or he'd be asleep before even 5 full minutes of crying.
While the bedtime portion has gotten better, the mornings have not. J has been waking up between 5am and 6am, screaming and crying for mommy or daddy. When myself or his mom go in to get him, he'll then start crying or screaming for whichever of us is not there (if I go in to get him, he'll start screaming "mooommmy, mooommmy"). We have tried to have him just lay back down on us in the rocking chair in his room, which is something we've done many times in the past. Now, however, he will continue crying and yelling until we bring him back to our bed with us. The first thing he does is start to whine and whine for us to get him his cup of milk from downstairs. This happens 99% of the time. I go get him milk.
In bed he tosses and turns, never falls back asleep, and just seems to be biding his time until he then asks us to go downstairs or simply gets off the bed and starts whining to go downstairs. He lasts anywhere between 10 minutes and 40 minutes before he might do this.
At this point we don't know what the right methods to try to improve this situation are. Unlike at night with sleep training, letting him "cry it out" in the morning does not work. He doesn't lay back down in his crib and he doesn't go back to sleep. We've tried slightly moving his bedtime earlier or later to see if that has any effect and so far nothing has changed.
Please help us, and our son, get more sleep. Thanks!
My kid did this too, it sucked! My solution was to hire a babysitter from 6-8 am to come play quietly with him. She was a young yoga teacher who taught a 9am class near my house and she was a morning person so she didn’t mind being awake that early. We would hand over the kid and go right back to sleep for 2 blissful hours. Honestly those mornings were the best $30 I ever spent!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 4:42 AM on June 3, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by nouvelle-personne at 4:42 AM on June 3, 2022 [6 favorites]
I have no children of my own, but I come from a big family and have done some coursework in early childhood development, so adjust your grain of salt accordingly and please forgive me if I'm overlooking something that should be obvious.
As it stands now, J wakes up between 5:00 and 6:00, someone goes in to him, and nobody goes back to sleep after that. Would it be worth experimenting with not going in to him when he wakes? It's not like you'd be getting LESS sleep than you are now, and there's at least a possibility he might learn to amuse himself for a while after he wakes.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 5:08 AM on June 3, 2022
As it stands now, J wakes up between 5:00 and 6:00, someone goes in to him, and nobody goes back to sleep after that. Would it be worth experimenting with not going in to him when he wakes? It's not like you'd be getting LESS sleep than you are now, and there's at least a possibility he might learn to amuse himself for a while after he wakes.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 5:08 AM on June 3, 2022
In a similar situation folks suggested we leave books/toys in the crib with him so that he plays for a bit in the morning.
Also we went through a period of simply refusing to get up and get our toddler before 6am and he has settled into a regular 6am wakeup now. That meant letting him cry and yell for a few mornings.
posted by stray at 5:15 AM on June 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
Also we went through a period of simply refusing to get up and get our toddler before 6am and he has settled into a regular 6am wakeup now. That meant letting him cry and yell for a few mornings.
posted by stray at 5:15 AM on June 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
You said you tried moving his bedtime slightly later. It sounds like it might need to be an hour and a half later. If you didn't adjust it by that much, I would try that.
You might also try shortening nap time or, if he seems close to being able to go without a nap, cutting it out entirely.
Another approach I might take would be to go in shortly before the earliest time he wakes up, get him out of bed and put him into bed with you and see if he falls back to sleep and stays asleep until you're ready to wake up. If that works, you could gradually make the time you go to get him out of his crib later and later. I've successfully done something similar with dogs and I could see it working with a toddler. (I have also had toddlers.)
Or, since it's probably easier to adjust your own behavior than to try to mold his, you could just start going to bed earlier yourself so you're prepared to get up for the day at 5:00.
posted by Redstart at 5:45 AM on June 3, 2022 [2 favorites]
You might also try shortening nap time or, if he seems close to being able to go without a nap, cutting it out entirely.
Another approach I might take would be to go in shortly before the earliest time he wakes up, get him out of bed and put him into bed with you and see if he falls back to sleep and stays asleep until you're ready to wake up. If that works, you could gradually make the time you go to get him out of his crib later and later. I've successfully done something similar with dogs and I could see it working with a toddler. (I have also had toddlers.)
Or, since it's probably easier to adjust your own behavior than to try to mold his, you could just start going to bed earlier yourself so you're prepared to get up for the day at 5:00.
posted by Redstart at 5:45 AM on June 3, 2022 [2 favorites]
We had good luck when we made damned sure bedtime was no later than 7pm (gotta catch that 7 o’clock bus!!!!) and we did a blanket movement before we went to bed to lightly wake the kids, make them roll over and restart a sleep cycle… and then black out curtains and a shut window… this time of year they start hearing birdies earlier and earlier…
posted by pairofshades at 5:47 AM on June 3, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by pairofshades at 5:47 AM on June 3, 2022 [3 favorites]
Our daughter is approx the same age (born Jan 2020), and here is what we found helps:
1) We have shortened her nap to one hour, and that didn’t help, so we shortened it further to 30 min. That helps. Some kids in her nursery don’t even nap these days.
2) Later bedtimes due to clock changes, now at 7:45 -8 pm
3) Blackout blinds
4) a Gro clock which tells the kids when it’s an appropriate time to wake ip. She can make noise or play with her toys until that time, and we will check if she is okay but she cannot come out of her bedroom (unless she needs a wee of course, yes our kid is night-trained already). 2 years 4 months is a good age to learn set this boundary.
5) Limit morning sunlight. No idea if this helps, but this is the advice commonly given to the elderly if they have problems sleeping and they wake up too early.
posted by moiraine at 5:52 AM on June 3, 2022 [3 favorites]
1) We have shortened her nap to one hour, and that didn’t help, so we shortened it further to 30 min. That helps. Some kids in her nursery don’t even nap these days.
2) Later bedtimes due to clock changes, now at 7:45 -8 pm
3) Blackout blinds
4) a Gro clock which tells the kids when it’s an appropriate time to wake ip. She can make noise or play with her toys until that time, and we will check if she is okay but she cannot come out of her bedroom (unless she needs a wee of course, yes our kid is night-trained already). 2 years 4 months is a good age to learn set this boundary.
5) Limit morning sunlight. No idea if this helps, but this is the advice commonly given to the elderly if they have problems sleeping and they wake up too early.
posted by moiraine at 5:52 AM on June 3, 2022 [3 favorites]
Oh, and I very rarely let my kids sleep in past their wake up time unless they had been very tired for a few days in a row… we stuck to 7-7 for a long time… and really tried not to get up until 6:30 unless we had to and during time change in the year pushed things out in ten minute increments every day or couple of days so I would start there and move up to 6:30 but start trying for the 7pm bedtime, it has something to do with the timing of the sleep cycles that gets you through the 5:30 wake up whereas 7:30/8pm doesn’t get you through the 5:00/530 wake up- they hear the birds and don’t go back to sleep… with a 7 bedtime they lightly wake at like 4:30 and go back to sleep..
posted by pairofshades at 5:53 AM on June 3, 2022
posted by pairofshades at 5:53 AM on June 3, 2022
I would suspect either too much daytime sleep, or 2-year molars coming in.
My normally great sleeper (a few months younger) had a similar pattern when she has teeth coming in, but it's long before they actually break through (most recently she had 4 canines and an incisor come through within a couple weeks) - I suspect it's a deeper ache from teeth moving. The pediatric dentist recommended a dose of tylenol to see if that helps and it usually takes care of the difficulty sleeping.
Otherwise, if he's still getting a 2-hour daytime nap, I would try shortening it by 30 minutes and see if that helps the nighttime sleep.
posted by DoubleLune at 6:00 AM on June 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
My normally great sleeper (a few months younger) had a similar pattern when she has teeth coming in, but it's long before they actually break through (most recently she had 4 canines and an incisor come through within a couple weeks) - I suspect it's a deeper ache from teeth moving. The pediatric dentist recommended a dose of tylenol to see if that helps and it usually takes care of the difficulty sleeping.
Otherwise, if he's still getting a 2-hour daytime nap, I would try shortening it by 30 minutes and see if that helps the nighttime sleep.
posted by DoubleLune at 6:00 AM on June 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
Right now, he's awake between 5&6 so that's when your day starts. Stop bringing him into your bedroom - "mommy's sleeping, sshhh" - which will take a while and be unpleasant to break the habit, but at least one of you can sleep in.
posted by flimflam at 7:25 AM on June 3, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by flimflam at 7:25 AM on June 3, 2022 [2 favorites]
We had success at that age with putting her in a "big girl" bed (it was actually a queen sized mattress on the floor but that's a different story), giving her a clock that turned green when she was allowed to wake us up, and letting her play in her room (which we had childproofed as necessary.
We also had some success with moving bedtime earlier and eliminating the nap. She was a "sleep begets sleep" kind of kid and if we missed the window she ended up earlier.
But also, two-ish is one of those ages where they are learning sooooo much and it just causes disruptions. There was one for us when our kid learned to stand up in the crib but couldn't sit down. Another when she understood we were "leaving"; another when she got words. Hopefully it passes soon.
posted by dpx.mfx at 10:53 AM on June 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
We also had some success with moving bedtime earlier and eliminating the nap. She was a "sleep begets sleep" kind of kid and if we missed the window she ended up earlier.
But also, two-ish is one of those ages where they are learning sooooo much and it just causes disruptions. There was one for us when our kid learned to stand up in the crib but couldn't sit down. Another when she understood we were "leaving"; another when she got words. Hopefully it passes soon.
posted by dpx.mfx at 10:53 AM on June 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
Most likely it's a developmental leap and/or a need to adjust his nap or bedtime schedule.
That said, it might be that having to pee is what is waking him up and starting potty training or changing his body's pee schedule might help. Consider taking him to a potty at that 5am wakeup for a "morning catch" and if he goes then, he might still be up for the rest of the morning but he might be happier in general and entertain himself in his bed for a little bit or maybe fall back to sleep. If a morning catch doesn't work, you could try pushing more liquids earlier in the evening before bed so that his bladder timing is a little different and maybe it won't wake up. You could also try to get him to pee in the potty before bedtime. (If he resists these things, that's totally fine, just back off, but if you have success it might help even just a little.)
posted by vunder at 11:25 AM on June 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
That said, it might be that having to pee is what is waking him up and starting potty training or changing his body's pee schedule might help. Consider taking him to a potty at that 5am wakeup for a "morning catch" and if he goes then, he might still be up for the rest of the morning but he might be happier in general and entertain himself in his bed for a little bit or maybe fall back to sleep. If a morning catch doesn't work, you could try pushing more liquids earlier in the evening before bed so that his bladder timing is a little different and maybe it won't wake up. You could also try to get him to pee in the potty before bedtime. (If he resists these things, that's totally fine, just back off, but if you have success it might help even just a little.)
posted by vunder at 11:25 AM on June 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
More exercise & more dinner, in that order. At least that worked for my slightly older guy with an identical sleep schedule. He's had a couple of these phases already. Both coincided with growth spurts.
posted by mannequito at 1:02 PM on June 3, 2022
posted by mannequito at 1:02 PM on June 3, 2022
This may vary depending on where you're located, but where I am right now, it stays late until 8 pm, and it gets light by 5 am. Is it possible this change in sleep schedule has correlated with more daylight hours? Do you have blackout curtains in his room? It's possible he's reacting to the light - doesn't want to go to bed when it's still light out/has recently been light, and is waking up when it gets light in the morning.
(Don't have kids, don't usually deal with kids, just a person who is very sensitive to light affecting my circadian rhythm, and have been this way since I was very young.)
posted by litera scripta manet at 1:32 PM on June 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
(Don't have kids, don't usually deal with kids, just a person who is very sensitive to light affecting my circadian rhythm, and have been this way since I was very young.)
posted by litera scripta manet at 1:32 PM on June 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
Oh I wanted to add with my morning babysitter suggestion above- you don’t need the sitter every day- every other or every third day works too. Your sleep deficit will feel unbearable on its third day but is probably manageable on the first day and maybe the second. So you can save money by just using the early morning sitter a couple times a week to “catch up” on sleep, for instance by maybe having them come only on Tuesday and Thursday.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 5:10 PM on June 3, 2022
posted by nouvelle-personne at 5:10 PM on June 3, 2022
We did a few things. One, we considered the possibility that they simply needed a little less sleep. Two we explained that bed time is not always the same as sleep time. If they got up before bedtime was over (bedtime was over when we came in at 7:00am), they could play quietly in their crib or bed. We actually have 3 kids in 30 months and did not want to buy 3 cribs so we put our oldest in a big girl bed at 22 months. They were happy about it and would play with their stuffed animals until we came in. The other two, boys, would play much louder, but they would wait in their room until we came in. Learning to amuse and sooth themselves was the best thing we ever 'taught' them. It has paid dividends for decades. They are in their 20s now and terrific sleepers.
Also, when we explained that bedtime could be longer than sleep time, they started sleeping longer bc they were bored and convinced we were not coming to get them unless it was a true emergency. It also smoothed any bedtime bumps. They learned that they got in bed at a specific time and we wanted them to go to sleep at that time too, but if they weren't tired they could stay up quietly in bed. They did the stay up thing for a few nights then started to try to sleep at bedtime.
Finally, we were very strict with sleep routines. I think they appreciated it. Nap at same time, bed at same time, wake at same time, etc. Even when they were process of dropping a nap, they benefited greatly from quiet but awake time.
We also had a mantra of "this too shall pass"
posted by JohnnyGunn at 10:02 PM on June 3, 2022
Also, when we explained that bedtime could be longer than sleep time, they started sleeping longer bc they were bored and convinced we were not coming to get them unless it was a true emergency. It also smoothed any bedtime bumps. They learned that they got in bed at a specific time and we wanted them to go to sleep at that time too, but if they weren't tired they could stay up quietly in bed. They did the stay up thing for a few nights then started to try to sleep at bedtime.
Finally, we were very strict with sleep routines. I think they appreciated it. Nap at same time, bed at same time, wake at same time, etc. Even when they were process of dropping a nap, they benefited greatly from quiet but awake time.
We also had a mantra of "this too shall pass"
posted by JohnnyGunn at 10:02 PM on June 3, 2022
My kid did this at about this age, and in his case it was that the urge to pee was waking him up and then the wet diaper made him uncomfortable. (He wasn’t potty trained, his body was just figuring stuff out on its own.)
What we did was have a kid-safe quiet play area with a horizontal surface, where the kid could play and the on-call parent could doze. He knew it was quiet time, and usually managed at least a half hour with minimal interruption. It sucks but it didn’t last a super long time; his bladder got bigger or he drank less, and the grumpy wake-up moved from 4:30 to his usual 6:30 over the course of a month or so.
posted by tchemgrrl at 4:14 AM on June 4, 2022
What we did was have a kid-safe quiet play area with a horizontal surface, where the kid could play and the on-call parent could doze. He knew it was quiet time, and usually managed at least a half hour with minimal interruption. It sucks but it didn’t last a super long time; his bladder got bigger or he drank less, and the grumpy wake-up moved from 4:30 to his usual 6:30 over the course of a month or so.
posted by tchemgrrl at 4:14 AM on June 4, 2022
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Is he napping still?
An ok to wake clock might work (you do have to build up to the time though) here's a guide
And maybe a snack before bed so he's full?
posted by freethefeet at 4:16 AM on June 3, 2022