Navigating complicated grief for alcoholic father
May 25, 2022 12:56 AM Subscribe
My father died on Friday night from the effects of alcoholism. I am struggling with the loss, grief and conflicting emotions and could use some words of advice. Lots more inside.
My father was only 68 years old when he died of cirrhosis, hepatorenal syndrome and decompensated liver disease. He was a 'functional' alcoholic during my childhood. He was a loving, very good father I was very close with for most of my life (I'm now 38).
After retirement, the lack of routine sent him down a path of full blown alcoholism, drinking all day every day. I begged him for years to seek help but he refused to admit he had a problem. Late last year his health started to deteriorate; when I visited him in hospital I learned he had all but bankrupted himself and my mother, remortgaged their house to the hilt, had tens of thousands of dollars in credit card debt from alcohol and online gambling. He started demanding money as 'repayment for all the things I've done for you'. He implied that mental health issues I had experienced in my 20s made me a burden and his support then meant he was entitled to money from me now.
I offered him an immediate $50K to put against their mortgage and he said I was only taking advantage of low interest rates. I walked out and we were estranged for six months. During that period, I regularly put money away in a separate account for my mother should she need it. She had trusted him to do the finances her entire life and had no idea how to do anything financial.
Two weeks ago he was admitted to ICU with a terminal diagnosis. We reconciled and I sat by his bedside for hours almost every day trying to spend time with him while I could. Despite general words about regrets for mistakes he had made and wishing he had lived a better life, he never acknowledged the financial destruction he's caused or the reason we had been estranged. The day he passed away, I found more credit cards with different banks and was too overwhelmed and angry to visit him again; he passed away later that night. The guilt of not visiting him one more time is haunting me even though we had a 'good' visit the day before where he was relatively lucid, glad to see me, and we parted well.
I am traumatised by what has happened; the sudden gaping hole in my life from his absence, the guilt of feeling that I abandoned him and perhaps pushed him further towards alcohol, and an inability to reconcile who he was during my childhood with the person he became. I feel enormous guilt for not trying harder to divert him onto another path. These feelings all lead to resentment because they have robbed me of 'proper' grief for my dad. This of course only compounds the guilt.
The funeral is next week. Following that, I have to focus on helping my mum pull herself out of the debt. We will be working with lawyers, financial counsellors, whoever we can, to try and minimise the damage. I am generally able to present as functional and coping in front of my mother and am fortunate to be in a position to financially support her. Naturally I have a lot of resentment towards her at the moment as well, for enabling him and being so reliant. However, I'm just not sure how to get through this for myself. I tend to collapse into tears the moment I get home from supporting her.
I tried Al-Anon last year and would be willing to return but feel nervous about 'hijacking' a meeting with my problems; I am open to therapy/counselling but Australia's mental health system is so stretched that waitlists are months long. I have a strong support network, workplace and partner, but I am really struggling even knowing what to ask for to help me get through this.
I have read through previous questions on this topic and appreciate, and will take on board, the advice offered to others who have gone through this. Thank you for reading, and any advice or words you might share.
My father was only 68 years old when he died of cirrhosis, hepatorenal syndrome and decompensated liver disease. He was a 'functional' alcoholic during my childhood. He was a loving, very good father I was very close with for most of my life (I'm now 38).
After retirement, the lack of routine sent him down a path of full blown alcoholism, drinking all day every day. I begged him for years to seek help but he refused to admit he had a problem. Late last year his health started to deteriorate; when I visited him in hospital I learned he had all but bankrupted himself and my mother, remortgaged their house to the hilt, had tens of thousands of dollars in credit card debt from alcohol and online gambling. He started demanding money as 'repayment for all the things I've done for you'. He implied that mental health issues I had experienced in my 20s made me a burden and his support then meant he was entitled to money from me now.
I offered him an immediate $50K to put against their mortgage and he said I was only taking advantage of low interest rates. I walked out and we were estranged for six months. During that period, I regularly put money away in a separate account for my mother should she need it. She had trusted him to do the finances her entire life and had no idea how to do anything financial.
Two weeks ago he was admitted to ICU with a terminal diagnosis. We reconciled and I sat by his bedside for hours almost every day trying to spend time with him while I could. Despite general words about regrets for mistakes he had made and wishing he had lived a better life, he never acknowledged the financial destruction he's caused or the reason we had been estranged. The day he passed away, I found more credit cards with different banks and was too overwhelmed and angry to visit him again; he passed away later that night. The guilt of not visiting him one more time is haunting me even though we had a 'good' visit the day before where he was relatively lucid, glad to see me, and we parted well.
I am traumatised by what has happened; the sudden gaping hole in my life from his absence, the guilt of feeling that I abandoned him and perhaps pushed him further towards alcohol, and an inability to reconcile who he was during my childhood with the person he became. I feel enormous guilt for not trying harder to divert him onto another path. These feelings all lead to resentment because they have robbed me of 'proper' grief for my dad. This of course only compounds the guilt.
The funeral is next week. Following that, I have to focus on helping my mum pull herself out of the debt. We will be working with lawyers, financial counsellors, whoever we can, to try and minimise the damage. I am generally able to present as functional and coping in front of my mother and am fortunate to be in a position to financially support her. Naturally I have a lot of resentment towards her at the moment as well, for enabling him and being so reliant. However, I'm just not sure how to get through this for myself. I tend to collapse into tears the moment I get home from supporting her.
I tried Al-Anon last year and would be willing to return but feel nervous about 'hijacking' a meeting with my problems; I am open to therapy/counselling but Australia's mental health system is so stretched that waitlists are months long. I have a strong support network, workplace and partner, but I am really struggling even knowing what to ask for to help me get through this.
I have read through previous questions on this topic and appreciate, and will take on board, the advice offered to others who have gone through this. Thank you for reading, and any advice or words you might share.
I am so sorry. So much pain and grief.
I would suggest going back to Al-Anon since there is so much in what you write that resonates with family dynamics around substance abuse. You express so much responsibility for not being able to affect him or his choices—working on those boundaries is so important for your healing. Maybe attend a meeting with the plan to share the basic outline and then ask that they help you get connected to someone who can engage with you in depth as you work this out, either a professional or a seasoned Al-Anon leader?
posted by Sublimity at 4:16 AM on May 25, 2022 [7 favorites]
I would suggest going back to Al-Anon since there is so much in what you write that resonates with family dynamics around substance abuse. You express so much responsibility for not being able to affect him or his choices—working on those boundaries is so important for your healing. Maybe attend a meeting with the plan to share the basic outline and then ask that they help you get connected to someone who can engage with you in depth as you work this out, either a professional or a seasoned Al-Anon leader?
posted by Sublimity at 4:16 AM on May 25, 2022 [7 favorites]
Amateur support groups like Al-Anon do good work. But have you thought about seeking out a professional, a therapist? As you write, you don't want to hijack Al-Anon meetings with your problems, but you need focused, detailed attention.
Even with professional therapy, this will not resolve quickly. Give yourself some love and let time do its work. I mean, your feelings aren't weird or sick, they're human, but they are crippling and you deserve some real help.
posted by tmdonahue at 5:31 AM on May 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
Even with professional therapy, this will not resolve quickly. Give yourself some love and let time do its work. I mean, your feelings aren't weird or sick, they're human, but they are crippling and you deserve some real help.
posted by tmdonahue at 5:31 AM on May 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
Oh, I'm so sorry. As tmdonahue says, this won't resolve quickly. It really sounds to me like you have a realistic sense of things-- as much as you can, with all this going on. But you'll be feeling all different things and all different ways for quite a while. It's going on ten years since my father died and I think my feelings are still changing.
What you have done and are doing for your mother is incredible. I am literally in awe of how forward-thinking you have been and how much work you have put into this. Any guilt you have about something like missing a last visit will recede in time, in the light of all that. Honestly, there should be zero guilt even if you hadn't done all that. You have gone above and beyond for both of your parents. Definitely reach out for whatever support you can get. Al-Anon, or a grief support group, or both. This is such a huge combination of issues but you will find other people dealing with some combination of them.
Wishing you peace.
posted by BibiRose at 5:55 AM on May 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
What you have done and are doing for your mother is incredible. I am literally in awe of how forward-thinking you have been and how much work you have put into this. Any guilt you have about something like missing a last visit will recede in time, in the light of all that. Honestly, there should be zero guilt even if you hadn't done all that. You have gone above and beyond for both of your parents. Definitely reach out for whatever support you can get. Al-Anon, or a grief support group, or both. This is such a huge combination of issues but you will find other people dealing with some combination of them.
Wishing you peace.
posted by BibiRose at 5:55 AM on May 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
I am so sorry for your loss.
Guilt is a very common feeling when a loved one dies. I personally suspect this feeling is often due to deeply wishing there could have been a way to prevent the death, a way to control death - (If only I had done this or done that or tried harder, they would still be alive.) But, sadly, there wasn't.
This article from Hospice Foundation talks about grief and guilt.
posted by SageTrail at 6:06 AM on May 25, 2022 [3 favorites]
Guilt is a very common feeling when a loved one dies. I personally suspect this feeling is often due to deeply wishing there could have been a way to prevent the death, a way to control death - (If only I had done this or done that or tried harder, they would still be alive.) But, sadly, there wasn't.
This article from Hospice Foundation talks about grief and guilt.
posted by SageTrail at 6:06 AM on May 25, 2022 [3 favorites]
One thing sticks out to me: I am open to therapy/counselling but Australia's mental health system is so stretched that waitlists are months long.
Get onto one or three of those waitlists now. If the waitlist is six months or whatever, if you get in it now at least you have something. Get on as many as you can, because also sometimes people suddenly drop out and if you are in the waitlist perhaps you can become next in line for a therapy place. If you really don't need it anymore by time your turn comes, someone will happily take it.
This is something i learned during the last two years, desperately searching for therapy and help for my 13year old.
Also, while this may not be the case in Australia, where i live it is possible to get a therapy place if you pay yourself, rather than going through the state mental health system.
I am sorry you are going through this. When my father died 11 years ago, i also discovered just how very bad his finances were and how much he concealed, and lies he maintained.He basically lived a double life. For me, therapy was a real changing point, and necessary, in order to move in from this huge pain.
posted by 15L06 at 6:14 AM on May 25, 2022 [3 favorites]
Get onto one or three of those waitlists now. If the waitlist is six months or whatever, if you get in it now at least you have something. Get on as many as you can, because also sometimes people suddenly drop out and if you are in the waitlist perhaps you can become next in line for a therapy place. If you really don't need it anymore by time your turn comes, someone will happily take it.
This is something i learned during the last two years, desperately searching for therapy and help for my 13year old.
Also, while this may not be the case in Australia, where i live it is possible to get a therapy place if you pay yourself, rather than going through the state mental health system.
I am sorry you are going through this. When my father died 11 years ago, i also discovered just how very bad his finances were and how much he concealed, and lies he maintained.He basically lived a double life. For me, therapy was a real changing point, and necessary, in order to move in from this huge pain.
posted by 15L06 at 6:14 AM on May 25, 2022 [3 favorites]
Wow this is so much. I'm so sorry.
Every piece of this individually - losing a father, a critically ill father in the ICU, the wrenching decisions about how to take care of yourself in a parent's last days, an alcoholic father, a mother in desperate need of complicated help, frightening financial realities, these are just a few aspects of this that on their own would be overwhelming. Please give yourself permission to just acknowledge and recognize this is impossibly hard, and you just cannot be your normal self in this context.
While I have not had this experience, I've had parts of it. The part of having to manage compelex financial issues for parents, loss of parents, alcoholic parents, ambivalent relationships with them... this all is very familiar to me. What really resonates is I'm hearing an underlying assumption, very deeply held, that this is somehow all on you to fix. This is a very common feeling for a child of an alcoholic. For this reason, I think making a commitment to go to alanon once a week (or at whatever interval) for some period of months would be very wise. What alanon will do is give you a reality check on whether your sense of responsibility is accurate. Having clarity right now will be hard without some external feedback.
I agree that a skilled therapist (not everyone is!) would be really beneficial right now. Again, the right therapist will reflect back some outside perspective and help you navigate this ongoing process of caretaking your mom's needs while processing your own enormous feelings. One thing I have achieved in the last year of therapy is a much clearer sense of what is mine and not emotionally. I am a very big caretaker - which I am proud of! But my whole sense of self is wrapped up in that in a way that ends up hurting me. Recently I travelled to another state to help an aging aunt transition out of her home. With the help of my therapy process, I was able to do that in a way that didn't totally overwhelm me. For example I stopped our work days early and went and did something nice each day, like a hike in the park or a trip to a museum by myself. This helped me center myself and kept me aware of what parts of my aunt's difficult life I had to solve and what I didn't. Past me would not have done that.
Overall, losing both of my parents ultimately gave me a feeling of freedom and lightness I did not have when I was caring for them through the ends of their lives. I think you have potential to have a transformative experience out of this. I suggest taking advantage of that opportunity. Do the things you know are good for your mental health (exercise, taking things slow, letting go of stupid stuff you don't have to do, asking for help, being with friends if that helps, being alone if that helps). Know this is a slow process. You are doing it with much care and intention.
posted by latkes at 7:24 AM on May 25, 2022 [3 favorites]
Every piece of this individually - losing a father, a critically ill father in the ICU, the wrenching decisions about how to take care of yourself in a parent's last days, an alcoholic father, a mother in desperate need of complicated help, frightening financial realities, these are just a few aspects of this that on their own would be overwhelming. Please give yourself permission to just acknowledge and recognize this is impossibly hard, and you just cannot be your normal self in this context.
While I have not had this experience, I've had parts of it. The part of having to manage compelex financial issues for parents, loss of parents, alcoholic parents, ambivalent relationships with them... this all is very familiar to me. What really resonates is I'm hearing an underlying assumption, very deeply held, that this is somehow all on you to fix. This is a very common feeling for a child of an alcoholic. For this reason, I think making a commitment to go to alanon once a week (or at whatever interval) for some period of months would be very wise. What alanon will do is give you a reality check on whether your sense of responsibility is accurate. Having clarity right now will be hard without some external feedback.
I agree that a skilled therapist (not everyone is!) would be really beneficial right now. Again, the right therapist will reflect back some outside perspective and help you navigate this ongoing process of caretaking your mom's needs while processing your own enormous feelings. One thing I have achieved in the last year of therapy is a much clearer sense of what is mine and not emotionally. I am a very big caretaker - which I am proud of! But my whole sense of self is wrapped up in that in a way that ends up hurting me. Recently I travelled to another state to help an aging aunt transition out of her home. With the help of my therapy process, I was able to do that in a way that didn't totally overwhelm me. For example I stopped our work days early and went and did something nice each day, like a hike in the park or a trip to a museum by myself. This helped me center myself and kept me aware of what parts of my aunt's difficult life I had to solve and what I didn't. Past me would not have done that.
Overall, losing both of my parents ultimately gave me a feeling of freedom and lightness I did not have when I was caring for them through the ends of their lives. I think you have potential to have a transformative experience out of this. I suggest taking advantage of that opportunity. Do the things you know are good for your mental health (exercise, taking things slow, letting go of stupid stuff you don't have to do, asking for help, being with friends if that helps, being alone if that helps). Know this is a slow process. You are doing it with much care and intention.
posted by latkes at 7:24 AM on May 25, 2022 [3 favorites]
.... am traumatised by what has happened; the sudden gaping hole in my life from his absence, the guilt of feeling that I abandoned him and perhaps pushed him further towards alcohol, and an inability to reconcile who he was during my childhood with the person he became...
You did not abandon your father, you set boundaries that he refused to respect in part because he was warped by substance abuse disorder and was thus not fully in his right mind. You did literally all you could to help and support him-- in fact, you went above and beyond-- and he refused to accept your outstretched hand. A child can never "abandon" the parent. Read that again. It only works in the reverse.
I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you can find ways to hold on to the memories of the dad you knew and find peace for the memories of the person he became. My dad's in a similar position (but he was pretty shitty to us growing up), so if you ever wanna DM, feel free. Hugs.
posted by erattacorrige at 7:41 AM on May 25, 2022 [8 favorites]
You did not abandon your father, you set boundaries that he refused to respect in part because he was warped by substance abuse disorder and was thus not fully in his right mind. You did literally all you could to help and support him-- in fact, you went above and beyond-- and he refused to accept your outstretched hand. A child can never "abandon" the parent. Read that again. It only works in the reverse.
I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you can find ways to hold on to the memories of the dad you knew and find peace for the memories of the person he became. My dad's in a similar position (but he was pretty shitty to us growing up), so if you ever wanna DM, feel free. Hugs.
posted by erattacorrige at 7:41 AM on May 25, 2022 [8 favorites]
I am so sorry for everything that has happened to you. How traumatic, after so many years of a functioning relationship, to suddenly have your very life thrown in your face. That wasn't your father, though--that was his disease.
I tried Al-Anon last year and would be willing to return but feel nervous about 'hijacking' a meeting with my problems
I absolutely know this feeling from my earliest visits to Al-Anon, but I beg of you if you are feeling short of support, please do consider powering through that nervousness. They are literally there, they literally exist, for people in circumstances like yours. If you can find a meeting you like with people who feel comfortable, it can help so very much.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 7:47 AM on May 25, 2022 [3 favorites]
I tried Al-Anon last year and would be willing to return but feel nervous about 'hijacking' a meeting with my problems
I absolutely know this feeling from my earliest visits to Al-Anon, but I beg of you if you are feeling short of support, please do consider powering through that nervousness. They are literally there, they literally exist, for people in circumstances like yours. If you can find a meeting you like with people who feel comfortable, it can help so very much.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 7:47 AM on May 25, 2022 [3 favorites]
the guilt of feeling that I abandoned him and perhaps pushed him further towards alcohol
Awwww hugs, this is so hard. I had a father who followed s similar path. Functional alcoholic when I was younger ans then retirement kind of untethered him and he started drinking earlier, blew up his marriage (second wife, not my mom) and was pretty isolated during the last year or so of his life. His post-divorce will was finalized just a few months before he died, suddenly at home, at 71, likely a stroke.
So first off agreeing with what other people say YOU DID NOT DO/CAUSE any of this. It's okay to have boundaries. One of the things I got used to about my dad's drinking problem was how, especially when he'd been drinking, he would externalize all his problems on to the people around him. His poor health was because of bad advice from the doctor, his marriage problems were because of his ex-wife, his isolation at home was because I wouldn't live with him and take care of him, crab crab crab.
You got a bum deal. The person who should have been supportive and caring for you turned on you. That sucks and is a bad feeling even if you reconciled. Grief will always find some new sore spots to poke and right now yours seems to be about blaming yourself. Al-Anon is a thing you can go to and it's okay to "hijack" a meeting to talk about this new huge thing. And I think finding that other people have been there, have been turned on by the alcoholic who they loved (and who loved them but who was also sick) may help you feel more like it's not your fault.
Again, I am so sorry. Time will help. Talking will help.
posted by jessamyn at 8:48 AM on May 25, 2022 [11 favorites]
Awwww hugs, this is so hard. I had a father who followed s similar path. Functional alcoholic when I was younger ans then retirement kind of untethered him and he started drinking earlier, blew up his marriage (second wife, not my mom) and was pretty isolated during the last year or so of his life. His post-divorce will was finalized just a few months before he died, suddenly at home, at 71, likely a stroke.
So first off agreeing with what other people say YOU DID NOT DO/CAUSE any of this. It's okay to have boundaries. One of the things I got used to about my dad's drinking problem was how, especially when he'd been drinking, he would externalize all his problems on to the people around him. His poor health was because of bad advice from the doctor, his marriage problems were because of his ex-wife, his isolation at home was because I wouldn't live with him and take care of him, crab crab crab.
You got a bum deal. The person who should have been supportive and caring for you turned on you. That sucks and is a bad feeling even if you reconciled. Grief will always find some new sore spots to poke and right now yours seems to be about blaming yourself. Al-Anon is a thing you can go to and it's okay to "hijack" a meeting to talk about this new huge thing. And I think finding that other people have been there, have been turned on by the alcoholic who they loved (and who loved them but who was also sick) may help you feel more like it's not your fault.
Again, I am so sorry. Time will help. Talking will help.
posted by jessamyn at 8:48 AM on May 25, 2022 [11 favorites]
I've noticed that a lot of feelings of blame around someone else's death may be reinforced by the brain trying to "solve" the loss. It's a tidy narrative, right? This almost incomprehensible thing has happened. Why did it happen? Because of me, obviously. Turn that paper in and go on about your day, we got this all sorted out!
"My fault" is a WAY easier answer than grappling with his inability or disinterest in being a responsible adult on multiple levels. WAY easier than realizing he chose this, including all the destruction he caused. Easier than realizing there was eventually probably something cognitively wrong with him but there's basically no support system to get any help for that before it hits endgame, and that you and your mom were let down over and over by multiple systems.
Going the "my fault" route means not processing, which is very seductive. It promises a kind of relief, but it's one that will eat you alive. You deserve better - better than the blame and better than being eaten alive - even though it means much harder and messier work to process that.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:19 AM on May 25, 2022 [3 favorites]
"My fault" is a WAY easier answer than grappling with his inability or disinterest in being a responsible adult on multiple levels. WAY easier than realizing he chose this, including all the destruction he caused. Easier than realizing there was eventually probably something cognitively wrong with him but there's basically no support system to get any help for that before it hits endgame, and that you and your mom were let down over and over by multiple systems.
Going the "my fault" route means not processing, which is very seductive. It promises a kind of relief, but it's one that will eat you alive. You deserve better - better than the blame and better than being eaten alive - even though it means much harder and messier work to process that.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:19 AM on May 25, 2022 [3 favorites]
I tried Al-Anon last year and would be willing to return but feel nervous about 'hijacking' a meeting with my problems; I am open to therapy/counselling but Australia's mental health system is so stretched that waitlists are months long. I have a strong support network, workplace and partner, but I am really struggling even knowing what to ask for to help me get through this.
I just want to add a few short points to the advice above:
- Absolutely go back to Al-Anon if it was useful to you. You won't be hijacking or wasting time, they are there to help people like you. Don't let these questions and conflicts you're feeling grow in the dark, take them to Al-Anon, shine a light on them. You deserve to be there as much as anyone else.
- Therapy/Counselling: now, the advice here I want to give depends on how you feel a while from now. In this moment, you are right in the centre of the tornado of shock/grief/confusion/everything else you're feeling. Counselling is only so useful when things are so fresh. In, say, a few weeks or a couple of months, you might find that you've regained some balance, and found yourself coping alright with things - more ok than you imagined in this moment that you would be.
But. If not. If you don't feel these feelings starting to unfold gradually, and become less painful and uncomfortable, and/or you find yourself continuing to feel traumatised and unsteady, then that is the time to say to yourself, I need help now. Don't let yourself suffer because you're waiting for a health system that isn't yet properly set up to support mental health as well as physical. Do whatever you need to do to get counselling - either stump up for it, or look for services which help people who cannot afford the usual fees (these will vary depending on where you are).
I spent the cold hard cash to go private when I was suffering from PTSD and Post-Natal depression, and it saved my bond with my child, possibly much more. I don't know a single person who suffered trauma and regretted money spent on good counselling.
- I am really struggling even knowing what to ask for to help me get through this. Just quickly - person-centred ("talk") therapy (NOT CBT) will likely be useful for you whatever else you decide to try. But you mentioned trauma, and EMDR is proven to be effective for trauma (I did it, it worked fantastically well for me). It's available on the NHS here in the UK, it might be where you are, but if it isn't and you decide to pay for counselling, find a counsellor who is qualified to do it in case you decide to try it.
posted by greenish at 1:02 PM on May 25, 2022
I just want to add a few short points to the advice above:
- Absolutely go back to Al-Anon if it was useful to you. You won't be hijacking or wasting time, they are there to help people like you. Don't let these questions and conflicts you're feeling grow in the dark, take them to Al-Anon, shine a light on them. You deserve to be there as much as anyone else.
- Therapy/Counselling: now, the advice here I want to give depends on how you feel a while from now. In this moment, you are right in the centre of the tornado of shock/grief/confusion/everything else you're feeling. Counselling is only so useful when things are so fresh. In, say, a few weeks or a couple of months, you might find that you've regained some balance, and found yourself coping alright with things - more ok than you imagined in this moment that you would be.
But. If not. If you don't feel these feelings starting to unfold gradually, and become less painful and uncomfortable, and/or you find yourself continuing to feel traumatised and unsteady, then that is the time to say to yourself, I need help now. Don't let yourself suffer because you're waiting for a health system that isn't yet properly set up to support mental health as well as physical. Do whatever you need to do to get counselling - either stump up for it, or look for services which help people who cannot afford the usual fees (these will vary depending on where you are).
I spent the cold hard cash to go private when I was suffering from PTSD and Post-Natal depression, and it saved my bond with my child, possibly much more. I don't know a single person who suffered trauma and regretted money spent on good counselling.
- I am really struggling even knowing what to ask for to help me get through this. Just quickly - person-centred ("talk") therapy (NOT CBT) will likely be useful for you whatever else you decide to try. But you mentioned trauma, and EMDR is proven to be effective for trauma (I did it, it worked fantastically well for me). It's available on the NHS here in the UK, it might be where you are, but if it isn't and you decide to pay for counselling, find a counsellor who is qualified to do it in case you decide to try it.
posted by greenish at 1:02 PM on May 25, 2022
I am really sorry. You have done a lovely job of laying this out and reaching out for help.
I don’t know your financial position except that you mention you had been putting away some money in case your mother needed it - I think you need it. The mental health system is stretched, but I have found that if you are seeking a counsellor (rather than a psychologist) and are able to pay (rather than using a mental health referral plan from your GP), there are people available without the long wait. This contrasts with the terrible stories from friends trying to get their teenagers in to see psychologists etc and waiting months and months.
I was able to find a counselling for a specific issue in recent months with almost immediate availability and I’ve been very happy with them, I don’t think a psychologist was necessary.
As an example - and I don’t know this service at all, I just googled for ‘grief counsellor book online Melbourne’ (I don’t know where you are but if you are ok with online, it doesn’t matter) and got this place with at least one appointment next week and plenty for the following.
I am sure there are others available - ask someone in your support network to do some searching and find some for you and depending on how you feel, either to just pick one and book it for you or give you a short list of ones that look suitable.
While searching, I also got ads for Better Help which someone else may comment on but might be a more immediate option (again, it will have some cost).
It may also be worth talking to your GP (I know it is hard if you don’t have a regular one) to get a mental health plan and get in the queue somewhere, if you cannot otherwise afford it. All the mess with your parents finances etc will be going on for a long time, so put your care as a high priority for yourself.
posted by AnnaRat at 3:18 PM on May 25, 2022
I don’t know your financial position except that you mention you had been putting away some money in case your mother needed it - I think you need it. The mental health system is stretched, but I have found that if you are seeking a counsellor (rather than a psychologist) and are able to pay (rather than using a mental health referral plan from your GP), there are people available without the long wait. This contrasts with the terrible stories from friends trying to get their teenagers in to see psychologists etc and waiting months and months.
I was able to find a counselling for a specific issue in recent months with almost immediate availability and I’ve been very happy with them, I don’t think a psychologist was necessary.
As an example - and I don’t know this service at all, I just googled for ‘grief counsellor book online Melbourne’ (I don’t know where you are but if you are ok with online, it doesn’t matter) and got this place with at least one appointment next week and plenty for the following.
I am sure there are others available - ask someone in your support network to do some searching and find some for you and depending on how you feel, either to just pick one and book it for you or give you a short list of ones that look suitable.
While searching, I also got ads for Better Help which someone else may comment on but might be a more immediate option (again, it will have some cost).
It may also be worth talking to your GP (I know it is hard if you don’t have a regular one) to get a mental health plan and get in the queue somewhere, if you cannot otherwise afford it. All the mess with your parents finances etc will be going on for a long time, so put your care as a high priority for yourself.
posted by AnnaRat at 3:18 PM on May 25, 2022
In the years before my mother died, I confronted her several times about the thing she was doing which ultimately took her life (not addiction but failing to take seriously a medical condition). About a year before she died, I betrayed her trust by talking to a family member about what she was doing, and he then confronted her about it as well.
I know that this betrayal hurt her, although she never said so. In that last year she was distant and curt with me: she would answer the phone but very quickly get off without sharing much about her life, for instance.
I don't regret doing it: what she was doing could have resulted in her harming not only herself but also innocent strangers, if her medical condition had resulted in her being suddenly unable to control her car while driving, for instance. There was a real possibility of this happening. But I wish she could have understood that. I don't think she ever did.
It doesn't help, y'know, a lot, but it does help me to consider that, even knowing what I know now about how she would respond, and even knowing that I desperately wish we could have had a better relationship during her last year, I still would make the same decision to confront her and not to ratify her actions by my continued silence.
Your father placed you in a situation that was both difficult and unfair, and not of your own causing. You made the decision that seemed right to you and for what it is worth I think it was generous and honorable and meaningful, and also had appropriate boundaries around what you would and would not do. I think you did it right. Your father, for reasons that are not about you but about his alcoholism, could not in that moment respond to you with love, and that hurts. But from my perspective you did not do anything wrong, and you did a lot right.
That does not mean it doesn't hurt. Of course it hurts. It hurts and it feels wrong and because we are rationalizing beings we want to know what we could have done differently to have avoided the hurt. But you could not have escaped this hurt, one way or another, because you could not make your father respond other than how he did -- that was his choice -- and because if you had made a different offer, like say you had offered a smaller sum of money with no strings attached to it, you would not have helped him one whit. I know this because all of the other money that he spent through did not help him, and because he lashed out at you for having any boundary at all. Had you chosen differently, you would have made that choice at the cost of your own integrity, and with less opportunity than you have now to help your mother if you should choose to do so. That would have hurt as well. It might well have hurt even more.
Similarly, if you'd chosen to go see him, that night, when you were overwhelmed and angry at him for continuing to feed his addiction, in all likelihood your last words to him would likely have been said in anger. If you had not known, had not been overwhelmed and angry, you might have made another choice, but you did know and -- how could you not be? -- you were angry and overwhelmed. You chose -- I think rightly -- to spare him that confrontation on his last day. You gave him the gift of parting on good terms.
In my view you did right, in a bad situation not of your own making. If I'd been your friend and you'd asked me for advice, I'd have advised you to do what you did: offer to help to the extent you feel you should, but with boundaries; protect yourself from abuse; and, unless you really needed to air it out, I'd have advised you to spare a dying man from an angry confrontation that could never bear fruit.
You feel bad, because this feels bad. Of course it does. But I encourage you not to feel guilty or to mistake the bad feelings you have for self-reproach. You did it right.
posted by gauche at 7:19 PM on May 25, 2022 [4 favorites]
I know that this betrayal hurt her, although she never said so. In that last year she was distant and curt with me: she would answer the phone but very quickly get off without sharing much about her life, for instance.
I don't regret doing it: what she was doing could have resulted in her harming not only herself but also innocent strangers, if her medical condition had resulted in her being suddenly unable to control her car while driving, for instance. There was a real possibility of this happening. But I wish she could have understood that. I don't think she ever did.
It doesn't help, y'know, a lot, but it does help me to consider that, even knowing what I know now about how she would respond, and even knowing that I desperately wish we could have had a better relationship during her last year, I still would make the same decision to confront her and not to ratify her actions by my continued silence.
Your father placed you in a situation that was both difficult and unfair, and not of your own causing. You made the decision that seemed right to you and for what it is worth I think it was generous and honorable and meaningful, and also had appropriate boundaries around what you would and would not do. I think you did it right. Your father, for reasons that are not about you but about his alcoholism, could not in that moment respond to you with love, and that hurts. But from my perspective you did not do anything wrong, and you did a lot right.
That does not mean it doesn't hurt. Of course it hurts. It hurts and it feels wrong and because we are rationalizing beings we want to know what we could have done differently to have avoided the hurt. But you could not have escaped this hurt, one way or another, because you could not make your father respond other than how he did -- that was his choice -- and because if you had made a different offer, like say you had offered a smaller sum of money with no strings attached to it, you would not have helped him one whit. I know this because all of the other money that he spent through did not help him, and because he lashed out at you for having any boundary at all. Had you chosen differently, you would have made that choice at the cost of your own integrity, and with less opportunity than you have now to help your mother if you should choose to do so. That would have hurt as well. It might well have hurt even more.
Similarly, if you'd chosen to go see him, that night, when you were overwhelmed and angry at him for continuing to feed his addiction, in all likelihood your last words to him would likely have been said in anger. If you had not known, had not been overwhelmed and angry, you might have made another choice, but you did know and -- how could you not be? -- you were angry and overwhelmed. You chose -- I think rightly -- to spare him that confrontation on his last day. You gave him the gift of parting on good terms.
In my view you did right, in a bad situation not of your own making. If I'd been your friend and you'd asked me for advice, I'd have advised you to do what you did: offer to help to the extent you feel you should, but with boundaries; protect yourself from abuse; and, unless you really needed to air it out, I'd have advised you to spare a dying man from an angry confrontation that could never bear fruit.
You feel bad, because this feels bad. Of course it does. But I encourage you not to feel guilty or to mistake the bad feelings you have for self-reproach. You did it right.
posted by gauche at 7:19 PM on May 25, 2022 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: I just wanted to thank you all for your kind, considered comments and suggestions. I'm so sorry to see others have had such similar experiences and I'm grateful for your generosity in sharing them with me.
I will take this advice on board and use it to try to find a way forward and through this for myself.
Thank you again.
posted by showeringsuns at 5:12 AM on May 27, 2022 [3 favorites]
I will take this advice on board and use it to try to find a way forward and through this for myself.
Thank you again.
posted by showeringsuns at 5:12 AM on May 27, 2022 [3 favorites]
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You only mention your support network in one sentence. Right now, ask for literally anything you need from them. It might really surprise you who comes through with what. For example, maybe you know someone who knows someone who can recommend a financial advisor, or your partner would love to be able to have meals ready for you every day, or your workplace has bereavement leave resources you should take advantage of. Maybe other people have had to work through alcoholism’s effects on their families and can commiserate. Maybe someone is adept at extricating themselves from credit card debt and would like to share their knowledge. Maybe someone has some big fluffy dogs who love to cuddle and would like to hang out with you while you have some good cries. Seriously, ask for anything, even stuff you don’t think they can really provide. Even if you are from a “guess” culture, this is the kind of emergency crisis situation in which asking is not rude. You really do need the help and it’s okay, even wise, to ask for it. A very simple thing to ask for would be to ask your friends to come to the funeral to support you. I’m sure many of them plan on it anyway but it might help to know for certain that you will be seeing some kind people there just for you.
Apart from imploring you to think about what you need and reach out to your community for it, I just want to say, he was your dad. It was never your responsibility to “repay” him for loving you. And it was not your fault that he passed on a day you discovered another overwhelming thing. Your angry thoughts do not have that power, and every one of your actions as you wrote here are ones of kindness and strength. It’s okay, even right, to be upset with what’s happened. But try your best to not be upset with yourself.
Have you heard of the Samaritans? They have an Australian branch, I think this is the right site for them… https://thesamaritans.org.au/ I called the US branch last year when I was going through some things. You can call and just talk, dump your feelings out, and someone will actively listen to you and empathize. They might be able to direct you to find some support for the family history of alcoholism, too. You are very good at conveying the complexity of your feelings and situation if the writing of this question is anything to go by. So you might really get some good processing going just by talking to a third party. You also might try journaling a little bit every day if talking to a person doesn’t feel like the right fit for you.
Again, my condolences, and be kind to yourself.
posted by Mizu at 2:32 AM on May 25, 2022 [7 favorites]