End of life assistance in Seattle--any advice or experience welcomed
May 7, 2022 3:55 AM Subscribe
A friend in Seattle has just had devastating news: he has weeks, at the most months, to live. He and his wife are completely overwhelmed, and I am stepping in to assist them in getting his estate in order. That's not the hard part: we are in contact with a very capable estate lawyer.
The hard part, and what I would like assistance with, is suggestions for any sort of service or programme that would make my friend's final weeks easier. I've found a meals service that can provide great food at their home. But what else would be useful or helpful?
For example, any pointers to a cleaning service? Suggestions for anything that might make him more comfortable at home and in bed? Suggestions for soothing and amusing Youtube videos?
Seriously, if you have any thoughts on what might make next weeks more comfortable, I would love to hear them. Money is not an object.
The hard part, and what I would like assistance with, is suggestions for any sort of service or programme that would make my friend's final weeks easier. I've found a meals service that can provide great food at their home. But what else would be useful or helpful?
For example, any pointers to a cleaning service? Suggestions for anything that might make him more comfortable at home and in bed? Suggestions for soothing and amusing Youtube videos?
Seriously, if you have any thoughts on what might make next weeks more comfortable, I would love to hear them. Money is not an object.
Does he have access to hospice care? They'll have all these answers and more, either as services they can offer, or linking you to those who can. If he doesn't already, see if you can make contact with a hospice on his behalf and ask them for suggestions. I'm sorry for you also receiving this terrible news about your friend.
posted by penguin pie at 4:05 AM on May 7, 2022 [8 favorites]
posted by penguin pie at 4:05 AM on May 7, 2022 [8 favorites]
Agreeing that a hospice service would be a good call. This is what they do, so they can really help you and your friend out.
I think as for other things, let him guide you to what he wants. Doing too much at once might add to the overwhelm. One thing that would probably be useful is offering to be the wall between him and his wife and other well meaning friends and acquaintances who might want to visit/help/contact them to express condolences. It might be useful for them to have someone there to handle arranging visits and organising things like where to send cards or flowers, or whether they want donations to a charity set up, or to post updates online/in group chats, or similar places for kind but overwhelming attention to go.
When my step-sister was in hospital and looking like she had limited time left, my dad set up family group WhatsApps with various levels of confidentiality and he and her mum would post daily updates and photos (depending on whether that group was close enough to get details) or just have somewhere for people to send good wishes. It was useful for them because it meant everyone who needed to be was informed, but they didn't have to go around contacting people individually or field lots of calls.
You could also buy them a nice video camera and (if you have the tech know-how) and set up a way for him to record videos, if he wants, of his thoughts and anything he wants to pass on, or just bits of daily life. This might be valuable in the future when people want to remember him.
I'm sorry, this is very hard. Remember to look after yourself as well so you don't burn out. Eat and rest and take care of things in your life too.
posted by fight or flight at 4:42 AM on May 7, 2022 [2 favorites]
I think as for other things, let him guide you to what he wants. Doing too much at once might add to the overwhelm. One thing that would probably be useful is offering to be the wall between him and his wife and other well meaning friends and acquaintances who might want to visit/help/contact them to express condolences. It might be useful for them to have someone there to handle arranging visits and organising things like where to send cards or flowers, or whether they want donations to a charity set up, or to post updates online/in group chats, or similar places for kind but overwhelming attention to go.
When my step-sister was in hospital and looking like she had limited time left, my dad set up family group WhatsApps with various levels of confidentiality and he and her mum would post daily updates and photos (depending on whether that group was close enough to get details) or just have somewhere for people to send good wishes. It was useful for them because it meant everyone who needed to be was informed, but they didn't have to go around contacting people individually or field lots of calls.
You could also buy them a nice video camera and (if you have the tech know-how) and set up a way for him to record videos, if he wants, of his thoughts and anything he wants to pass on, or just bits of daily life. This might be valuable in the future when people want to remember him.
I'm sorry, this is very hard. Remember to look after yourself as well so you don't burn out. Eat and rest and take care of things in your life too.
posted by fight or flight at 4:42 AM on May 7, 2022 [2 favorites]
All of these are great ideas - hospice for physical issues, being the single point of contact to manage many requests for info., and thinking about keeping the house clean for visitors, etc. One item not yet on the list is helping the wife manage her emotional well-being. She is likely to want to be at her husband's bedside 24/7, but really needs time away to process and regroup. You can encourage her to take walks with a friend, journal, or take other self-care measures during this time when that will likely be the last thing on her mind.
posted by eleslie at 5:29 AM on May 7, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by eleslie at 5:29 AM on May 7, 2022 [3 favorites]
I agree that hospice is the way to go, and you should have lots of options in Seattle, though I wonder if your time frame makes it difficult.
I'm not sure what your hospice is able to provide, but another option would be additional caregivers. When my brother was dying, his wife hired a nurse to sit with him at night so she could sleep. Another friend hired around-the-clock health care workers for her father with dementia (family was far away, and they wanted to keep him in his home).
Do they have a yard or garden that needs care? If so, hiring someone for that would be a kindness.
People on my cancer board are currently reading The End of Life Handbook and finding it helpful. I have not read it, so I don't know how much it would be useful in your situation.
Also, you sound like a really good friend. I don't know what your relationship with his wife is, but she will need good friends for a very long time.
posted by FencingGal at 5:48 AM on May 7, 2022 [3 favorites]
I'm not sure what your hospice is able to provide, but another option would be additional caregivers. When my brother was dying, his wife hired a nurse to sit with him at night so she could sleep. Another friend hired around-the-clock health care workers for her father with dementia (family was far away, and they wanted to keep him in his home).
Do they have a yard or garden that needs care? If so, hiring someone for that would be a kindness.
People on my cancer board are currently reading The End of Life Handbook and finding it helpful. I have not read it, so I don't know how much it would be useful in your situation.
Also, you sound like a really good friend. I don't know what your relationship with his wife is, but she will need good friends for a very long time.
posted by FencingGal at 5:48 AM on May 7, 2022 [3 favorites]
In Seattle, there are quite a few Death Doulas, empaths who help people and their families through this transition period.
posted by QuakerMel at 6:34 AM on May 7, 2022 [9 favorites]
posted by QuakerMel at 6:34 AM on May 7, 2022 [9 favorites]
Might be a good time for an acid trip if your friend is interested and there’s a good guide available.
posted by congen at 7:33 AM on May 7, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by congen at 7:33 AM on May 7, 2022 [4 favorites]
Other people have covered hospice care already, so I’ll just say that if your friend is at all interested in physician-assisted suicide, start that process now. My mother died an excruciating prolonged death from cancer at home in Seattle last year and she started the process too late. You have to have two appointments (phone calls in her case), a distance apart (maybe four weeks? Can’t remember for sure, last year is one horrible blur) and she was too far gone mentally by the second call. I am confident that if I could ask her about her regrets at the end, not starting this process earlier would be one of them. She had hoped to avoid the horrible pain and loss of mental capacity that she wound up suffering through in her last several weeks.
(I apologize if this comment seems tactless. What I went through with mom last year made a big and terrible impression on me and my family, and this was one of my biggest takeaways from all of it.)
posted by skycrashesdown at 8:26 AM on May 7, 2022 [11 favorites]
(I apologize if this comment seems tactless. What I went through with mom last year made a big and terrible impression on me and my family, and this was one of my biggest takeaways from all of it.)
posted by skycrashesdown at 8:26 AM on May 7, 2022 [11 favorites]
I'm sorry this is happening. You are a good friend.
-N'thing hospice and a communications gatekeeper. The gatekeeper can do things like set up and manage a Google calendar for people visiting, etc. They can also help maintain Ring Theory.
-An electronic will: listing accounts/passwords, how to deal with social media accounts, etc. From his phone password on up. He should consider anything he usually manages for the household that she isn't regularly involved in, such as the contact info for various service providers that may only be used once a year like a CPA.
-Encourage his wife to assemble a few good friends who are specifically tasked with supporting her, starting now.
-As others have mentioned, take care of yourself, as well.
posted by jenquat at 2:30 PM on May 7, 2022
-N'thing hospice and a communications gatekeeper. The gatekeeper can do things like set up and manage a Google calendar for people visiting, etc. They can also help maintain Ring Theory.
-An electronic will: listing accounts/passwords, how to deal with social media accounts, etc. From his phone password on up. He should consider anything he usually manages for the household that she isn't regularly involved in, such as the contact info for various service providers that may only be used once a year like a CPA.
-Encourage his wife to assemble a few good friends who are specifically tasked with supporting her, starting now.
-As others have mentioned, take care of yourself, as well.
posted by jenquat at 2:30 PM on May 7, 2022
Specifically to the cleaning service question, I've been an April Lane customer for many years and have only good things to say. Deepest sympathies to your friend and his family.
posted by potrzebie at 9:29 PM on May 7, 2022
posted by potrzebie at 9:29 PM on May 7, 2022
Another vote for hospice. My dad was in hospice until he died, and they brought equipment ( hospital bed, rolling table, toilet chair, oxygen concentrator and tanks), brought meds when he was low so we didn't have to go to the pharmacy. A nurse came twice a week and stayed an hour or so, taking vitals, talking with Dad and the rest of us, answering questions and concerns. A cna came three times a week to help him bathe and change his bedding. And near the end, when his terminal agitation was too much for him to be at home, they took him to a hospice center rather than a hospital, and kept his final days from breaking us.
They helped us find a sitter to come be with him a few times a week, even way out here in the country. I will emphasize that the more help they have, especially folks to come be with him at night, while his wife rests or just gets out into the world, the better. It's nice when those people are friends - but sometimes it's easier on the patient and family if they are paid outsiders. Your friend might feel he must put on a good face for people he knows love him - a paid sitter is someone to whom he owes no emotional labor.
Other friends may want very much to help, as well. Brainstorm concrete things they can do, rather than vague offers that bring more stress. Maybe one can take over getting the car serviced, another few can stop by to walk the dog, another can bring by a meal from his favorite restaurant, etc.
As far as entertainment - dad wanted to keep watching his regular shows until the end. Occasionally, we'd watch a new(to him) movie that he wanted to see, but he didn't really want much difference. People vary in this, of course, but let him lead on that.
This is hard stuff. Don't try to be strong. Be loving, however that looks in your friendship. Be with them in the experience, rather than trying to make them feel better during it.
posted by Vigilant at 1:17 AM on May 8, 2022 [2 favorites]
They helped us find a sitter to come be with him a few times a week, even way out here in the country. I will emphasize that the more help they have, especially folks to come be with him at night, while his wife rests or just gets out into the world, the better. It's nice when those people are friends - but sometimes it's easier on the patient and family if they are paid outsiders. Your friend might feel he must put on a good face for people he knows love him - a paid sitter is someone to whom he owes no emotional labor.
Other friends may want very much to help, as well. Brainstorm concrete things they can do, rather than vague offers that bring more stress. Maybe one can take over getting the car serviced, another few can stop by to walk the dog, another can bring by a meal from his favorite restaurant, etc.
As far as entertainment - dad wanted to keep watching his regular shows until the end. Occasionally, we'd watch a new(to him) movie that he wanted to see, but he didn't really want much difference. People vary in this, of course, but let him lead on that.
This is hard stuff. Don't try to be strong. Be loving, however that looks in your friendship. Be with them in the experience, rather than trying to make them feel better during it.
posted by Vigilant at 1:17 AM on May 8, 2022 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by XtineHutch at 4:04 AM on May 7, 2022 [8 favorites]