Emotional Framing and the TWW
April 11, 2022 6:03 AM Subscribe
My SO and I have been trying to conceive for a few months now. This cycle, my ovulation was delayed because of illness, and instead of getting my period, I got launched into the two week wait (the two weeks between ovulation and pregnancy testing). It’s emotionally difficult to be in this space between hope and… hopelessness, I guess. How did you get through it? Did you have mantras or other framing tactics that helped?
How do you frame this liminal “not pregnant and not-not pregnant” stage? How do you handle it emotionally? Did you have any mantras or other tactics that you used to ground yourself and get yourself into a healthy headspace?
I am having a hard time today. This is my third cycle. My first, I had a very early loss. My second, I didn’t get pregnant. My third has been very long because evidently ovulation was delayed by a few weeks because of a virus. I am now approximate 3 days past ovulation, so I will be in this liminal space for a week, and I’m having trouble framing it in a way that doesn’t feel like toxic positivity but also doesn’t feel too doom-and-gloom. I do feel hopeful but I feel a lot of fear and resignation too.
How do you frame this liminal “not pregnant and not-not pregnant” stage? How do you handle it emotionally? Did you have any mantras or other tactics that you used to ground yourself and get yourself into a healthy headspace?
I am having a hard time today. This is my third cycle. My first, I had a very early loss. My second, I didn’t get pregnant. My third has been very long because evidently ovulation was delayed by a few weeks because of a virus. I am now approximate 3 days past ovulation, so I will be in this liminal space for a week, and I’m having trouble framing it in a way that doesn’t feel like toxic positivity but also doesn’t feel too doom-and-gloom. I do feel hopeful but I feel a lot of fear and resignation too.
I looked at a lot of statistics, which may or may not be your jam. I spent years trying not to get pregnant, and after being in that mental framing for so long, it felt like I should be instapregnant the moment we skipped a condom. Not the case. It was helpful to me to see the numbers and understand that I was far from alone in taking a long time to catch a baby.
If you can find another place in your life where you can focus on making forwards progress, that's another thing I felt was helpful. Another month went by where we "failed" at getting pregnant, but i achieved this fitness goal or this work goal or this art goal or whatever - to distract myself and remind myself that there is more to my life than one goal.
I decided (after multiple chemical pregnancies getting my hopes up) that I would never take the pregnancy test until I was at least 5 days late because it was better for my mental health - again, may or may not be your jam, but it was an approach that helped me.
Good luck. It's a tough thing to go through.
posted by february at 6:34 AM on April 11, 2022 [1 favorite]
If you can find another place in your life where you can focus on making forwards progress, that's another thing I felt was helpful. Another month went by where we "failed" at getting pregnant, but i achieved this fitness goal or this work goal or this art goal or whatever - to distract myself and remind myself that there is more to my life than one goal.
I decided (after multiple chemical pregnancies getting my hopes up) that I would never take the pregnancy test until I was at least 5 days late because it was better for my mental health - again, may or may not be your jam, but it was an approach that helped me.
Good luck. It's a tough thing to go through.
posted by february at 6:34 AM on April 11, 2022 [1 favorite]
Like february above, I also spent a long time trying not to get pregnant, and when we shifted over to welcoming the idea of a pregnancy it immediately made our sex life weird. Such an uncomfortable place to be, so much scrutiny on every encounter. It took about 18 months to catch, and I know exactly when we did it and it was the most unremarkable, least sexy, shortest sex of possibly my life.
I'm not sure why you (or any of us!) are tracking your cycle so closely. I don't know how we got to this point where it's another project to manage. What if you just made sure you had a lot of sex around ovulation, and didn't pregnancy test often? It would not make much of a difference to what your body is busy doing.
That said, the feeling of "failing" every month was an unwelcome surprise to me, so I understand wanting to mitigate it somehow. What if you were just super kind to yourself (and your partner, to the extent that they are also experiencing frustration)? When you catch yourself feeling low, do something nice for yourself, or explicitly say to yourself "this is not a great feeling, but I'm not doing anything wrong. I will accept this feeling, feel it, and release it."
If you have a history of losing pregnancies, it might help to be in community with people with similar experiences. I don't think that the larger pregnancy and baby culture is very sensitive to those griefs and uncertainties. That wasn't my experience - I was just old and it took a while.
posted by Lawn Beaver at 6:52 AM on April 11, 2022 [1 favorite]
I'm not sure why you (or any of us!) are tracking your cycle so closely. I don't know how we got to this point where it's another project to manage. What if you just made sure you had a lot of sex around ovulation, and didn't pregnancy test often? It would not make much of a difference to what your body is busy doing.
That said, the feeling of "failing" every month was an unwelcome surprise to me, so I understand wanting to mitigate it somehow. What if you were just super kind to yourself (and your partner, to the extent that they are also experiencing frustration)? When you catch yourself feeling low, do something nice for yourself, or explicitly say to yourself "this is not a great feeling, but I'm not doing anything wrong. I will accept this feeling, feel it, and release it."
If you have a history of losing pregnancies, it might help to be in community with people with similar experiences. I don't think that the larger pregnancy and baby culture is very sensitive to those griefs and uncertainties. That wasn't my experience - I was just old and it took a while.
posted by Lawn Beaver at 6:52 AM on April 11, 2022 [1 favorite]
My advice with chemical pregnancies is similar to february's - I stopped doing tests early because it just was too much.
For hope/hopelessness that's just so personal, but I will share that I had a long, bumpy, fertility and secondary infertility journey and if I could go back, I wish I had kind of done more living and less waiting. I was in an online community of infertility blogs which was helpful, and for which I am grateful, but I also vaguely wish I had checked in with them say weekly and not obsessed every day.
I didn't know when I started it was going to be a long journey, but none, and I mean none, of the worrying and waiting added anything to my life nor did it put anything into my control. There is a mythology that in Modern Times We Have Control Over Reproduction and while we have some more control than in the past that is...so wrong. No one knows really why conception catches or doesn't. And don't get me into predicting when labour starts. We're still in a very grey box.
So you have this huge gap between Pregnancy Capitalism (buy eleventy tests!!!) and Pregnancy Moralism (if you sip a beer or sit next to a smoker for 10 minutes and don't play music at your belly you are bad and your child won't go to Harvard!!!) for a process that is wild. And I do mean wild, like wild animals, wild volcanos.
It's very very easy to say and extremely hard to do but I encourage you to let go of the idea of controlling conception and focus on doing stuff that has nothing to do with kids if possible. Especially things that are hard to do with kids! For me, around year 2 of trying, I started taking guitar lessons and singing a lot more which was an activity that let me be emotional and express emotion but also experience a lot of flow.
For lifestyle, I just stayed on prenatal vitamins (I got a prescription so insurance picked up some of the cost) and I was never a big drinker anyway but stayed off alcohol and light on caffeine for the ovulation-to-test period. On the advice of my doctor I didn't worry about listeria etc. too much during that time (where I live unpasteurized cheeses are rare anyway.) I should also note that my doctor said not to worry about a few drinks in the early days either, and that was kind of my personal choice.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:04 AM on April 11, 2022 [2 favorites]
For hope/hopelessness that's just so personal, but I will share that I had a long, bumpy, fertility and secondary infertility journey and if I could go back, I wish I had kind of done more living and less waiting. I was in an online community of infertility blogs which was helpful, and for which I am grateful, but I also vaguely wish I had checked in with them say weekly and not obsessed every day.
I didn't know when I started it was going to be a long journey, but none, and I mean none, of the worrying and waiting added anything to my life nor did it put anything into my control. There is a mythology that in Modern Times We Have Control Over Reproduction and while we have some more control than in the past that is...so wrong. No one knows really why conception catches or doesn't. And don't get me into predicting when labour starts. We're still in a very grey box.
So you have this huge gap between Pregnancy Capitalism (buy eleventy tests!!!) and Pregnancy Moralism (if you sip a beer or sit next to a smoker for 10 minutes and don't play music at your belly you are bad and your child won't go to Harvard!!!) for a process that is wild. And I do mean wild, like wild animals, wild volcanos.
It's very very easy to say and extremely hard to do but I encourage you to let go of the idea of controlling conception and focus on doing stuff that has nothing to do with kids if possible. Especially things that are hard to do with kids! For me, around year 2 of trying, I started taking guitar lessons and singing a lot more which was an activity that let me be emotional and express emotion but also experience a lot of flow.
For lifestyle, I just stayed on prenatal vitamins (I got a prescription so insurance picked up some of the cost) and I was never a big drinker anyway but stayed off alcohol and light on caffeine for the ovulation-to-test period. On the advice of my doctor I didn't worry about listeria etc. too much during that time (where I live unpasteurized cheeses are rare anyway.) I should also note that my doctor said not to worry about a few drinks in the early days either, and that was kind of my personal choice.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:04 AM on April 11, 2022 [2 favorites]
Echoing what february and Lawn Beaver say; we tried to shift the physical mechanics into as practical a mode as we could.
As much sex as possible for a week around ovulation, no tests allowed until 5 or more days late.
We spent the rest of the month making an effort to do more nice things with / for each other than usual, with an emphasis on general (non-procreation related) relaxation, health and comfort.
We kept talk about the future as broad-based and, honestly, naive as possible. We tried to forget about "it", and where that wasn't possible made joint efforts to mentally reset the whole process to being just another monthly chore that would need to be done again soon.
I'm sorry you're going through this, I hope the right cycle comes round for you as soon as possible.
posted by protorp at 7:24 AM on April 11, 2022
As much sex as possible for a week around ovulation, no tests allowed until 5 or more days late.
We spent the rest of the month making an effort to do more nice things with / for each other than usual, with an emphasis on general (non-procreation related) relaxation, health and comfort.
We kept talk about the future as broad-based and, honestly, naive as possible. We tried to forget about "it", and where that wasn't possible made joint efforts to mentally reset the whole process to being just another monthly chore that would need to be done again soon.
I'm sorry you're going through this, I hope the right cycle comes round for you as soon as possible.
posted by protorp at 7:24 AM on April 11, 2022
My frame of reference is an arduous journey involving round after round of treatment, losses, years and years.
There was a lot of waiting.
It became tolerable by viewing it as background noise, and trying to have some sort of life in the foreground. I took up canning, went on walks. I didn't make major lifestyle adjustments, nor did I stare at the phone.
posted by champers at 7:47 AM on April 11, 2022
There was a lot of waiting.
It became tolerable by viewing it as background noise, and trying to have some sort of life in the foreground. I took up canning, went on walks. I didn't make major lifestyle adjustments, nor did I stare at the phone.
posted by champers at 7:47 AM on April 11, 2022
If you have been T.R.Y.I.N.G., has there been pressure put on your sex life to be a certain way? Can you make an extra effort (and have your partner make an extra effort) to have this ‘liminal space’ be about reconnecting with each other, mentally, physically, and emotionally? This could include romantic dinners where you stare into each other’s eyes, board game nights, netflix and chill, cuddling, or non-baby-making sexy times. This week can’t be about the maybe-baby, so the best way to care for yourself IMO is to not let it be.
posted by Night_owl at 8:45 AM on April 11, 2022
posted by Night_owl at 8:45 AM on April 11, 2022
Best answer: As you can see the common advice is to focus on other things in your life, be kind to yourself and do things you enjoy, cultivate closeness with your partner unrelated to baby making, and avoid testing early.
I knew all of this and still found myself white knuckling through every two week wait, fixated on the outcome, testing early, symptom spotting, analyzing my temp charts, building up hope that was usually dashed. So, I did everything you’re not supposed to do, and it felt bad and it was a very hard time.
So, I can join the kind folks on this thread and tell you what you should do, but even knowing that, I was personally not able to reframe my way out of the ugly feelings and difficult emotions.
If I could go back, I would have tried to put less pressure on myself to feel good or OK or zen or relaxed about this thing that is objectively very difficult. I would have told myself just to feel the bad feelings and not have additional guilt about how focused or consumed I was by this outcome that I so desperately wanted.
For context we started trying in January 2020, took one cycle off in March due to COVID uncertainty, got pregnant in April and had an 8 week loss, then got pregnant again in September which resulted in a healthy baby. So I do come at this with the privilege that this very difficult time was, for me, temporary and didn’t require additional investigation or intervention.
Of course we have to continue to live our lives even when circumstances make things difficult. I did resolve, when we were TTC, not to act pregnant until I was confirmed pregnant, so I ate and drank as normal (though I’m not a tobacco or drug or cannabis user so didn’t have to consider those impacts on conception). I also resolved not to avoid making plans until I had a confirmed pregnancy. That helped a bit I suppose.
Ultimately, my advice is to take the wonderful suggestions others have made in this thread and try those that resonate with you, but also allow yourself to feel bad about this difficult thing that makes people feel bad.
posted by rodneyaug at 9:36 AM on April 11, 2022 [5 favorites]
I knew all of this and still found myself white knuckling through every two week wait, fixated on the outcome, testing early, symptom spotting, analyzing my temp charts, building up hope that was usually dashed. So, I did everything you’re not supposed to do, and it felt bad and it was a very hard time.
So, I can join the kind folks on this thread and tell you what you should do, but even knowing that, I was personally not able to reframe my way out of the ugly feelings and difficult emotions.
If I could go back, I would have tried to put less pressure on myself to feel good or OK or zen or relaxed about this thing that is objectively very difficult. I would have told myself just to feel the bad feelings and not have additional guilt about how focused or consumed I was by this outcome that I so desperately wanted.
For context we started trying in January 2020, took one cycle off in March due to COVID uncertainty, got pregnant in April and had an 8 week loss, then got pregnant again in September which resulted in a healthy baby. So I do come at this with the privilege that this very difficult time was, for me, temporary and didn’t require additional investigation or intervention.
Of course we have to continue to live our lives even when circumstances make things difficult. I did resolve, when we were TTC, not to act pregnant until I was confirmed pregnant, so I ate and drank as normal (though I’m not a tobacco or drug or cannabis user so didn’t have to consider those impacts on conception). I also resolved not to avoid making plans until I had a confirmed pregnancy. That helped a bit I suppose.
Ultimately, my advice is to take the wonderful suggestions others have made in this thread and try those that resonate with you, but also allow yourself to feel bad about this difficult thing that makes people feel bad.
posted by rodneyaug at 9:36 AM on April 11, 2022 [5 favorites]
Best answer: Some of the answers on this thread seem unrealistic to me. If you're trying to conceive, you should know when you ovulate and when your period is due, and generally where you are in your cycle. And if you know, it can be very hard not to think about it. That's not project management!
I don't have great advice because I'm in the same phase of life right now (in fact, I almost wrote a very, very similar question yesterday), but I agree that it is helpful to just let yourself feel bad and sit with it. Taking a long walk sometimes lets me do that.
I've also found some relief in thinking consciously about how the uncertainty I feel right now is almost guaranteed to be multiplied one hundred times over once I am a parent. Right now it seems like having a baby is the happy ending to this story -- and like if I can just get this one thing under control, I'll be sorted and my life will unfold in a certain way -- but it's really going to be the beginning of a lifetime of uncertainty with a new little person I won't be able to control. So this is good practice.
If you would ever like to chat, feel free to send me a private message.
posted by artisthatithaca at 9:58 AM on April 11, 2022 [2 favorites]
I don't have great advice because I'm in the same phase of life right now (in fact, I almost wrote a very, very similar question yesterday), but I agree that it is helpful to just let yourself feel bad and sit with it. Taking a long walk sometimes lets me do that.
I've also found some relief in thinking consciously about how the uncertainty I feel right now is almost guaranteed to be multiplied one hundred times over once I am a parent. Right now it seems like having a baby is the happy ending to this story -- and like if I can just get this one thing under control, I'll be sorted and my life will unfold in a certain way -- but it's really going to be the beginning of a lifetime of uncertainty with a new little person I won't be able to control. So this is good practice.
If you would ever like to chat, feel free to send me a private message.
posted by artisthatithaca at 9:58 AM on April 11, 2022 [2 favorites]
First, I never did home pregnancy tests while trying to conceive. I went and got a quantitative blood test at 14 weeks post ovulation and that was it. I never did a single home pregnancy test, ever. I see a lot of people on facebook doing home pregnancy tests every day and squinting and hoping for the faintest line and posting their sticks on facebook saying "Do you see it? I think I see it" (I don't see it, but lots of other people do so...*shrug*). Anyway, I think these people are torturing themselves.
As for framing, this isn't for the TWW, but when I got my period (usually the day they called to tell me I wasn't pregnant from the quantitative blood test), I told myself "You might already be one day pregnant.*" I thought of my uterus as Shrodinger's Uterus...both pregnant and not pregnant at the same time, from the first day or my period, until the day I ovulated.
* For anyone who doesn't know, pregnancy time/weeks is counted from the first day of your last period So if you get pregnant three days after you ovulate, then the moment you get pregnant you're about 17 days pregnant, right off the bat. And by extension, the day you got your period, you were 1 day pregnant.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 10:26 AM on April 11, 2022
As for framing, this isn't for the TWW, but when I got my period (usually the day they called to tell me I wasn't pregnant from the quantitative blood test), I told myself "You might already be one day pregnant.*" I thought of my uterus as Shrodinger's Uterus...both pregnant and not pregnant at the same time, from the first day or my period, until the day I ovulated.
* For anyone who doesn't know, pregnancy time/weeks is counted from the first day of your last period So if you get pregnant three days after you ovulate, then the moment you get pregnant you're about 17 days pregnant, right off the bat. And by extension, the day you got your period, you were 1 day pregnant.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 10:26 AM on April 11, 2022
Distraction. Try to get super invested in a new project or fantasy series or gardening or something.
posted by metasarah at 11:44 AM on April 11, 2022
posted by metasarah at 11:44 AM on April 11, 2022
Best answer: I was not really able to distract myself or keep myself from thinking about it. I managed to wait to test til about 14 days past ovulation, but I did a lot of symptom spotting and wondering in the mean time, and spent probably too much time on infertility Reddit.
Things that actually did help me feel better: being outside for long walks and exercising, spending time with friends. These didn’t necessarily distract me, but they did turn down the overall level of anxiety I was feeling. I would focus on just coping with your overall level of anxiety generally and hopefully it will help you bear the waiting and uncertainty.
posted by mai at 1:10 PM on April 11, 2022
Things that actually did help me feel better: being outside for long walks and exercising, spending time with friends. These didn’t necessarily distract me, but they did turn down the overall level of anxiety I was feeling. I would focus on just coping with your overall level of anxiety generally and hopefully it will help you bear the waiting and uncertainty.
posted by mai at 1:10 PM on April 11, 2022
I don’t know your age but 3 months TTC is very early days, only three attempts, so console yourself with the statistics of how long it generally takes.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 10:17 PM on April 11, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by St. Peepsburg at 10:17 PM on April 11, 2022 [1 favorite]
When we were in those long months it actually weirdly helped for us to think about what kind of a fun and valuable life we would have if we never were able to conceive. It sort of reminded us about how even though this was something we wanted to do together, we still actively enjoyed spending time together as individuals. We talked about all the pets we would have and all the places we would go and all the fancy restaurants we would eat at. I feel like that also helped us maintain a reminder of our relationship as a couple even as it changed when we finally ended up conceiving and becoming parents.
posted by donut_princess at 4:22 AM on April 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by donut_princess at 4:22 AM on April 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
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posted by haptic_avenger at 6:29 AM on April 11, 2022