How often do you cry in front of a trusted person?
April 4, 2022 2:50 PM Subscribe
Pretty much just what it says on the tin, but I'm also curious generally why it happens, and maybe age and gender identity. Mostly just curious.
I cry whenever and wherever I feel like it, cis woman early 30s. I was also taught to suppress my vulnerability for survival from childhood on, and I kind of went in the reverse direction with that once I began to heal myself. No shame in crying anywhere, everywhere, if that's your bag. The opposite is also true. Data point for crying anywhere, everywhere: Obama did this a lot, and it's one of the few things I respected about him (although I'm also wary of performative emotions as a tool of manipulation...)
posted by erattacorrige at 3:21 PM on April 4, 2022 [8 favorites]
posted by erattacorrige at 3:21 PM on April 4, 2022 [8 favorites]
Middle-aged woman. How often in terms of frequency? I would say I get a little teary every two or three months. Usually it’s when I’m reminiscing about something with my best friend and get wistful, and sometimes when it’s I’m talking about a relationship issue with my partner and get frustrated. It’s not often that I have a good cry anymore though. Mostly I just well up. I miss crying. It’s good for you.
posted by HotToddy at 3:22 PM on April 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by HotToddy at 3:22 PM on April 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
Late 40s cis woman. I cry pretty easily. I often tear up in therapy, but I couldn't say how often; it's not really notable because I just keep talking and blot my eyes. I have definitely cried in front of a trusted person in the past few months, and I'm trying to think how often. I can recall at least three times with three different people since, say, December; in each case, there was a big emotional issue on the table. In one case, it had nothing to do with the person I was talking to, but the content I was sharing was emotional for me.
posted by bluedaisy at 3:35 PM on April 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by bluedaisy at 3:35 PM on April 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
50yo woman. All the time. I'm a weeper, which is funny as for the first 40 years of my life I wasn't. I came from a family that never showed emotion so I was stoic as hell. I moved half a world away and now I cry at pretty much everything. If I'm happy I cry, sad I cry. I'll get misty eyed at a commercial on tv. I never try to stop myself anymore and I'm lucky I have a husband who just hugs me while I have a little cry. I think my brain has a lifetime of repressed emotions from childhood it's making up for.
posted by wwax at 3:35 PM on April 4, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by wwax at 3:35 PM on April 4, 2022 [6 favorites]
Cis woman, late 30s, recently divorced, medicated for anxiety and adhd. I don’t have a good memory for how my crying patterns have changed over the years, but they definitely have. I cried more regularly when my hormones and/or mental health were out of whack.
Currently I probably cry in front of someone once every 4-8 weeks. In the past couple of months I’m can recall the following instances::
1. Overwhelmed w appreciation for my boyfriend (happy tears)
2. Emotional with Divorce Feelings while taking to a friend (sad tears)
3. Emotional moment with a coworker expressing admiration (happy tears? Or maybe “inspired” tears? Is that a thing?
I also have recurring crying episodes every few months when I’m PMSing (usually no reason or my brain makes up a reason, sometimes I’m alone but occasionally will cry to my partner) and sometimes after very intense orgasms w my partner (like an overflowing well of emotion). Much more inclined to cry in front of partners, slightly less so for close friends and family, moderately comfortable with casual friends or coworkers, almost never in front of strangers.
posted by a.steele at 3:43 PM on April 4, 2022
Currently I probably cry in front of someone once every 4-8 weeks. In the past couple of months I’m can recall the following instances::
1. Overwhelmed w appreciation for my boyfriend (happy tears)
2. Emotional with Divorce Feelings while taking to a friend (sad tears)
3. Emotional moment with a coworker expressing admiration (happy tears? Or maybe “inspired” tears? Is that a thing?
I also have recurring crying episodes every few months when I’m PMSing (usually no reason or my brain makes up a reason, sometimes I’m alone but occasionally will cry to my partner) and sometimes after very intense orgasms w my partner (like an overflowing well of emotion). Much more inclined to cry in front of partners, slightly less so for close friends and family, moderately comfortable with casual friends or coworkers, almost never in front of strangers.
posted by a.steele at 3:43 PM on April 4, 2022
Mid-30s cis woman. Alone? Sure. In front of someone? Not unless it's entirely unavoidable, in which case it's regrettable. There isn't much good that could come of that. I don't want people thinking I'm being manipulative, and I certainly don't want to hand them an opportunity to invalidate me and make me feel worse.
I don't understand the point of showing particular emotions in front of someone when it's likely that an emotion they can't relate to will make them uncomfortable and annoyed at you, so there's that. If I'm sad about something that's important to me but wouldn't bother you, all you're going to tell me is that you wouldn't be sad about it. Okay, cool story. Why is that useful information in this context, right now?
posted by blerghamot at 3:49 PM on April 4, 2022
I don't understand the point of showing particular emotions in front of someone when it's likely that an emotion they can't relate to will make them uncomfortable and annoyed at you, so there's that. If I'm sad about something that's important to me but wouldn't bother you, all you're going to tell me is that you wouldn't be sad about it. Okay, cool story. Why is that useful information in this context, right now?
posted by blerghamot at 3:49 PM on April 4, 2022
I'm a cis woman in my early forties. I tear up once in a while - maybe once every couple of months? - but I very rarely full-on cry. Maybe once a year? Given the option I'd prefer to be alone for that; it's probably been several years since anyone saw me really cry.
There's some upbringing stuff there, for sure. I come from We Do Not Display Emotions Openly people.
posted by Stacey at 3:56 PM on April 4, 2022
There's some upbringing stuff there, for sure. I come from We Do Not Display Emotions Openly people.
posted by Stacey at 3:56 PM on April 4, 2022
Early 50s, AFAB, nonbinary. Apart from funerals and memorial services, the only person I cry in front of is my partner of 25+ years.
I think the last time I had tears in front of someone not my partner (again, not counting memorial services) was 10-ish years ago when my much-loved boss's #2 person met with me to tell me that MLB had taken a job with another employer. (It was followed by "Take the afternoon off; we know you'll need to process this" which made it only slightly better.)
posted by Lexica at 4:00 PM on April 4, 2022
I think the last time I had tears in front of someone not my partner (again, not counting memorial services) was 10-ish years ago when my much-loved boss's #2 person met with me to tell me that MLB had taken a job with another employer. (It was followed by "Take the afternoon off; we know you'll need to process this" which made it only slightly better.)
posted by Lexica at 4:00 PM on April 4, 2022
Oh right, sex! A couple of times a year pent-up big feelings (either positive or negative, doesn't seem to matter) collide with really good sex and then the floodgates open. My poor love is always so sweet to me when I do this.
posted by HotToddy at 4:03 PM on April 4, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by HotToddy at 4:03 PM on April 4, 2022 [3 favorites]
38, male. I've only ever cried as an adult during romantic breakups, with another person crying too, in a big "oh why isn't our care for each another enough to kind to one another" pile of feelings. So about... once every five years, if that counts, or "never", if it doesn't.
posted by wattle at 4:07 PM on April 4, 2022
posted by wattle at 4:07 PM on April 4, 2022
Late 50s male. I can only remember two times I cried in public or private since I was an adult. One, I got teary eyed, not weeping crying, at my wedding when the rabbi pronounced us husband and wife. Didn't cry when the judge declared us divorced some 20+ years later. Two, I was hit in the nose which broke the nose and lots of blood from a foul-tip softball. That also brought water to my eyes.
I did not cry at either of my parent's memorial services and I loved them both.
I may or may not have cried as a kid when Thurman Munson was killed in a plane (his) crash when I was a late teen.
I don't think there is anything either physically or mentally that prevents me from crying in front of anyone, I just don't. Upon more reflection, I am more likely to cry at something over which I have no control or no direcr association like when you see those starving animals that need to be adopted commercials on late night TV. Or reading about some of the horrors in Ukraine.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 4:25 PM on April 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
I did not cry at either of my parent's memorial services and I loved them both.
I may or may not have cried as a kid when Thurman Munson was killed in a plane (his) crash when I was a late teen.
I don't think there is anything either physically or mentally that prevents me from crying in front of anyone, I just don't. Upon more reflection, I am more likely to cry at something over which I have no control or no direcr association like when you see those starving animals that need to be adopted commercials on late night TV. Or reading about some of the horrors in Ukraine.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 4:25 PM on April 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
Cis woman, just hit 60. I cry in front of other people very rarely and it's pretty rare when I'm alone too. I cried a little more in my 20's and 30's but have never been a big crier. In the past 20 years, my crying in front of other people has mostly been limited to times when I was reading sad books to my kids, the deaths of dogs, and my mother's memorial gathering. Also during sad parts of movies, but that only sort of counts as being in front of other people because even if other people are with me they're watching too and may not notice that I'm crying.
posted by Redstart at 4:30 PM on April 4, 2022
posted by Redstart at 4:30 PM on April 4, 2022
cis/het dude, 50s. about every sixth therapy session. I've had the crying mostly repressed right outta me.
oh, and film. usually something unexpected. e.g. the end of 'jeff who lives at home'.
posted by j_curiouser at 4:39 PM on April 4, 2022
oh, and film. usually something unexpected. e.g. the end of 'jeff who lives at home'.
posted by j_curiouser at 4:39 PM on April 4, 2022
Used to be maybe a few times a year, but in the last few years since I've had kids it's been more like weekly. Sometimes for "reasonable" reasons, sometimes because of a Bluey episode or a literal glass of spilled milk. I'd like to get it better under control - it's not good professionally, although so far my colleagues have been understanding, and it's not really the example I want to set for my kids. 30s woman.
posted by february at 4:51 PM on April 4, 2022
posted by february at 4:51 PM on April 4, 2022
Mid-40s trans woman. Pre-transition, basically never. Now, infrequently (maybe every couple of months?) but it does happen sometimes in therapy or in front of my partner.
posted by Shellybeans at 5:30 PM on April 4, 2022
posted by Shellybeans at 5:30 PM on April 4, 2022
In the last 4 years I'd say my partner has seen me cry 30 times. I usually don't cry that often - I'm a stoic type - but these were big years, with births and deaths and medical woes and lots of racism. Specific reasons included:
- Grief while 3 very close people and a pet were dying and after they died
- Dread of a possible scary medical diagnosis
- Happy / relieved at the births of our 2 children
- Furious / Helpless about people being racist at me in the workplace or in healthcare settings
- Angry at partner for gendered division of labour
- Racism - such as medical racism during the births and deaths, being accused of shoplifting (I do not shoplift), and aggression from random people including in-person verbal harassment and social media dogpiles.
- There was also an unbelievable amount of "background radiation racism" from people's horrible clueless-aggressive reactions to George Floyd's murder, which added a lot of intensity to that summer, and for several months it heightened all my other emotions.
My best friend has seen me cry maybe twice, while discussing the scary medical diagnosis and once over work stress (racism related).
And my employer saw me cry once, about bad boundaries + racism in the workplace.
My partner benefits from racism and from unfairly gendered labour, so he doesn't cry about them, he just gets to enjoy multiple types of societal privilege wherever he goes. I've never seen him full-out sob-cry, but he does get teary around births and deaths, or occasionally during a really big argument if he feels guilty. In 4 years I've seen him get teary maybe 8 times.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 5:31 PM on April 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
- Grief while 3 very close people and a pet were dying and after they died
- Dread of a possible scary medical diagnosis
- Happy / relieved at the births of our 2 children
- Furious / Helpless about people being racist at me in the workplace or in healthcare settings
- Angry at partner for gendered division of labour
- Racism - such as medical racism during the births and deaths, being accused of shoplifting (I do not shoplift), and aggression from random people including in-person verbal harassment and social media dogpiles.
- There was also an unbelievable amount of "background radiation racism" from people's horrible clueless-aggressive reactions to George Floyd's murder, which added a lot of intensity to that summer, and for several months it heightened all my other emotions.
My best friend has seen me cry maybe twice, while discussing the scary medical diagnosis and once over work stress (racism related).
And my employer saw me cry once, about bad boundaries + racism in the workplace.
My partner benefits from racism and from unfairly gendered labour, so he doesn't cry about them, he just gets to enjoy multiple types of societal privilege wherever he goes. I've never seen him full-out sob-cry, but he does get teary around births and deaths, or occasionally during a really big argument if he feels guilty. In 4 years I've seen him get teary maybe 8 times.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 5:31 PM on April 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
Middle-aged woman. I cry fairly often, but I no longer have anyone I can trust to cry in front of. For some reason it provokes intense rage in members of my immediate family.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 5:36 PM on April 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by The Underpants Monster at 5:36 PM on April 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
Middle-aged woman. I don't cry much. Now and again a song or a bit of text will make me well up, but actual full-on sobbing, it's been years.
posted by zadcat at 5:48 PM on April 4, 2022
posted by zadcat at 5:48 PM on April 4, 2022
There’s choked up, crying and ugly crying. I think that the level of cry needs to be indicated.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 6:12 PM on April 4, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by St. Peepsburg at 6:12 PM on April 4, 2022 [3 favorites]
Late 40s male. Never at the workplace IIRC, pretty regularly at home a decade ago when an old friend of 20yrs became unexpectedly terminally ill in his 50s about a decade ago. Once when my young son randomly chomped on my arm (he was not a biter and was not at all aggressive, it was just a totally random experimental impulse- I was so shocked and hurt that someone I love so dearly would cause me physical pain that it caused a spontaneous cry.)
Fairly infrequently nowadays, usually in response to a sentimental movie/song/show or The Underpants Monster's comment, which is kind of heartbreaking. (Was able to control it, but felt the impulse.)
posted by Larry David Syndrome at 6:36 PM on April 4, 2022
Fairly infrequently nowadays, usually in response to a sentimental movie/song/show or The Underpants Monster's comment, which is kind of heartbreaking. (Was able to control it, but felt the impulse.)
posted by Larry David Syndrome at 6:36 PM on April 4, 2022
Early 50s cis woman. I cry alone sometimes at random shit--a good book, a cat food commercial, a song that I haven't heard in a while that takes me back, usually sentimental tears--and pretty rarely in front of other people. With my partner sometimes usually when I'm having a hard time (usually not with something between us) or like, we didn't see each other for a year in early COVID (we're in an LDR) and when we first saw each other it was hard to not keep crying in a sort of "Wow things were really hard and maybe they're going to get slightly less hard" way, like how you start shivering once you're INside. I will occasionally cry when incredibly frustrated but this is usually not with a trusted person.
My partner, cis male, actually cries more than I do I think. He gets RSD with his ADD and will occasionally just FILL UP with feels and kind of lose it. We manage it better than we used to, but it would throw me for a loop at first because I'm not really used to men crying and because of the RSD stuff he'd sometimes blame me for it and I was like "Huh? I just said I wish you'd picked up some milk at the store" or whatever.
I'm from New England, am pretty laced-up about my feelings generally and have, in the past, been around people who would accuse me of using tears to manipulate them (fuck you very much, terrible ex-boyfriends) and so I have a somewhat odd relationship to my own expressions of feelings generally.
posted by jessamyn at 7:10 PM on April 4, 2022
My partner, cis male, actually cries more than I do I think. He gets RSD with his ADD and will occasionally just FILL UP with feels and kind of lose it. We manage it better than we used to, but it would throw me for a loop at first because I'm not really used to men crying and because of the RSD stuff he'd sometimes blame me for it and I was like "Huh? I just said I wish you'd picked up some milk at the store" or whatever.
I'm from New England, am pretty laced-up about my feelings generally and have, in the past, been around people who would accuse me of using tears to manipulate them (fuck you very much, terrible ex-boyfriends) and so I have a somewhat odd relationship to my own expressions of feelings generally.
posted by jessamyn at 7:10 PM on April 4, 2022
Cis bi woman in my early forties. I am a WEEPER, but that’s mostly been by myself - I grew up in a household where I was told in exactly these words that my negative emotions were poison and I shouldn’t spread them around the house.
Alone, I tear up at the news, both for heartwarming stories and for tragic or infuriating ones, multiple times a week. Powerful stories, films, or pieces of art make me cry, both happy and sad tears. Processing my feelings (which can be INTENSE) often involves tears - in hiding my emotions as a child, anger could only really come out via tears, and so even now anger often looks like me crying in frustration at myself and whatever I’m angry about.
In front of my partner, I probably cry every couple of weeks - we’re in therapy, he is a wonderful and generous listener, and we share openly things that are on our minds. He is one of only two people I can remember fully sobbing with as an adult - the other is a friend whose shoulder I cried on when my partner and I were first together, and something had gone very badly between us. *That* cry was actually the first time I genuinely felt as though I could “cry on someone’s shoulder” and be loved and cared for, rather than a poisonous mess.
I appreciate reading everyone else’s perspective - being present for other people’s intense feelings can be a profound intimacy, but of course there are so many different ways of expressing (or protecting, or holding space for) feelings in vulnerable moments.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 7:36 PM on April 4, 2022 [4 favorites]
Alone, I tear up at the news, both for heartwarming stories and for tragic or infuriating ones, multiple times a week. Powerful stories, films, or pieces of art make me cry, both happy and sad tears. Processing my feelings (which can be INTENSE) often involves tears - in hiding my emotions as a child, anger could only really come out via tears, and so even now anger often looks like me crying in frustration at myself and whatever I’m angry about.
In front of my partner, I probably cry every couple of weeks - we’re in therapy, he is a wonderful and generous listener, and we share openly things that are on our minds. He is one of only two people I can remember fully sobbing with as an adult - the other is a friend whose shoulder I cried on when my partner and I were first together, and something had gone very badly between us. *That* cry was actually the first time I genuinely felt as though I could “cry on someone’s shoulder” and be loved and cared for, rather than a poisonous mess.
I appreciate reading everyone else’s perspective - being present for other people’s intense feelings can be a profound intimacy, but of course there are so many different ways of expressing (or protecting, or holding space for) feelings in vulnerable moments.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 7:36 PM on April 4, 2022 [4 favorites]
42, cishet man. I probably cry in front of my wife at least once a month, sometimes upwards of 5 times per month. I probably cry while talking to my best male friend a few times a year. Basically, I'm perfectly content to cry regardless of audience if I feel like it. It helps me to feel better. I feel like I grew up in a culture at a time where the prevailing word was that boys were allowed to cry and be sensitive and it didn't make us less masculine to express our feelings, and I took that to heart and have always got a lot of benefit from indulging a need to cry.
posted by chudmonkey at 8:09 PM on April 4, 2022
posted by chudmonkey at 8:09 PM on April 4, 2022
67 year old straight male. Until I was in my 30s I didn't know that I'm hauling along with me this manic depression thing, and even after I found out I carry it around I had no idea how much it yanked me about. Having nothing to really compare to I had no idea what it gave me nor did I know what it took away.
Before I *finally* reached medicinal armistice with this goddamned illness, late 2003, the illness had the steering wheel, I was along for the ride. I honestly thought that everyone thought/felt as I did but just was better at covering it, and/or hid behind love or money or both of those. I cried a lot and a lot of it was gutshot sobbing, crying like a kid holding his dead puppy was run down in the road, hurting like a bastard on fathers day. Manic depression gives a lot also, art museums, musicians with heart, powerful movies -- I felt it. (Felt it both ways -- all I've got to do is think of Bjork, her performance in Dancer In The Dark -- I won't say anything more about it except if you haven't seen what she gave us in that flick you damn sure ought to do so.)
I'm still not the average kid on the block but being blessed with finding the right medications to mediate this illness has damn sure changed me. I've not had that gutshot type of sobbing in five years and a half, my nephews death, alcoholism -- drank himself to death. I loved that kid, I still do, that phone call was like getting run down by a bus.
One of my best friends, and we'd been friends since maybe 1986, out of nowhere she had a psychotic break -- it was amazing (is amazing, still) as Alison was such a grounded person. And normally, if a person is going to have a psychotic break it's going to hit them in their teens or 20s, not in their mid 50s. She was the hub of a huge crowd of people here in Austin, she had this huge heart, and smart, too, just such a fine person. One by one she cut us all out of her life, I was the last to let go, I pretty much just refused her telling me to buzz off. She finally just said "Go away." or whatever she said, I finally had to let her go, she lives now with her fears and delusions, it's a goddamned shame. I didn't cry behind this one, I think because I fought it so goddamned long, finally I just had to let it go. I love her, I miss her, but I know I can't reach her. So, no tears, just sad as hell.
Anyways, I'm not afraid of crying in front of or with others, and when I do it's generally not that gutshot thing, though if "Dancer In The Dark" is on my hard drive and I've got the jam for it tonight, the willingness to suffer those tears for that beauty, that movie will do the deal. (You might think that "gutshot sobbing" is inaccurate, and/or over the top. Well, I'm not going to wish it on you, nor anyone. I know what I've lived, good and bad, and I suspect that if you've not ached to tears from Art, or Love, you've missed a lot on this ride.)
posted by dancestoblue at 8:13 PM on April 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
Before I *finally* reached medicinal armistice with this goddamned illness, late 2003, the illness had the steering wheel, I was along for the ride. I honestly thought that everyone thought/felt as I did but just was better at covering it, and/or hid behind love or money or both of those. I cried a lot and a lot of it was gutshot sobbing, crying like a kid holding his dead puppy was run down in the road, hurting like a bastard on fathers day. Manic depression gives a lot also, art museums, musicians with heart, powerful movies -- I felt it. (Felt it both ways -- all I've got to do is think of Bjork, her performance in Dancer In The Dark -- I won't say anything more about it except if you haven't seen what she gave us in that flick you damn sure ought to do so.)
I'm still not the average kid on the block but being blessed with finding the right medications to mediate this illness has damn sure changed me. I've not had that gutshot type of sobbing in five years and a half, my nephews death, alcoholism -- drank himself to death. I loved that kid, I still do, that phone call was like getting run down by a bus.
One of my best friends, and we'd been friends since maybe 1986, out of nowhere she had a psychotic break -- it was amazing (is amazing, still) as Alison was such a grounded person. And normally, if a person is going to have a psychotic break it's going to hit them in their teens or 20s, not in their mid 50s. She was the hub of a huge crowd of people here in Austin, she had this huge heart, and smart, too, just such a fine person. One by one she cut us all out of her life, I was the last to let go, I pretty much just refused her telling me to buzz off. She finally just said "Go away." or whatever she said, I finally had to let her go, she lives now with her fears and delusions, it's a goddamned shame. I didn't cry behind this one, I think because I fought it so goddamned long, finally I just had to let it go. I love her, I miss her, but I know I can't reach her. So, no tears, just sad as hell.
Anyways, I'm not afraid of crying in front of or with others, and when I do it's generally not that gutshot thing, though if "Dancer In The Dark" is on my hard drive and I've got the jam for it tonight, the willingness to suffer those tears for that beauty, that movie will do the deal. (You might think that "gutshot sobbing" is inaccurate, and/or over the top. Well, I'm not going to wish it on you, nor anyone. I know what I've lived, good and bad, and I suspect that if you've not ached to tears from Art, or Love, you've missed a lot on this ride.)
posted by dancestoblue at 8:13 PM on April 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
Mid 40s cis woman. I cry often. Like at least twice a month in front of people and probably twice a week alone. Sometimes because I’m happy. Sometimes sad. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.
My four siblings - two men, two women, ages 58-69 - also cry. We all cried on saint Patrick’s day at a toast. We all cried last week at another toast.
Husband. Also mid 40s. Same and so are his parents.
posted by dpx.mfx at 8:19 PM on April 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
My four siblings - two men, two women, ages 58-69 - also cry. We all cried on saint Patrick’s day at a toast. We all cried last week at another toast.
Husband. Also mid 40s. Same and so are his parents.
posted by dpx.mfx at 8:19 PM on April 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
male, 45, straight...I rarely cry...besides cliche things like "the opening montage in the movie Up", the thing that consistently moves me to tears is seeing people training and overcoming adversity and ultimately succeeding. Especially if it is set to stir music. Basically any big video package before the Olympics kick off. I don't necessarily cry around my partner but that is just because we generally don't watch this kind of content together.
posted by mmascolino at 8:21 PM on April 4, 2022
posted by mmascolino at 8:21 PM on April 4, 2022
Mid-forties, trans man.
Before I transitioned, I cried rarely, but I did cry occasionally. When I did it was usually by myself but I definitely had a few sobbing episodes with trusted people.
Since I have gotten on testosterone (almost two years ago), I have not cried at all. I've had times of being very sad, but just haven't been able to make the tears come. I can't say 100% it is related to the testosterone since the base rate of crying was low anyway, but it does feel like crying is much harder now. Just, physically, tears don't happen.
YMMV of course.
posted by contrapositive at 8:34 PM on April 4, 2022
Before I transitioned, I cried rarely, but I did cry occasionally. When I did it was usually by myself but I definitely had a few sobbing episodes with trusted people.
Since I have gotten on testosterone (almost two years ago), I have not cried at all. I've had times of being very sad, but just haven't been able to make the tears come. I can't say 100% it is related to the testosterone since the base rate of crying was low anyway, but it does feel like crying is much harder now. Just, physically, tears don't happen.
YMMV of course.
posted by contrapositive at 8:34 PM on April 4, 2022
Female. 50.
I cry very easily. Cute animal videos, in therapy sessions, out of frustration, the lot. I only really feel comfortable crying in front of my husband.
It can be very embarrassing if I need to cry during a work meeting for example. That hardly ever happens, but it has.
My father gets weepy easily when he is moved by a sad film, or tells me about something sad. It seems to be out of intense empathy with people who are suffering.
I remember him weeping when watching an interview with a woman who could not have children, but had channeled her grief into creating a beautiful indoor garden.
I broke down and cried in front of my sister recently and I still feel really embarrassed about that even though I had a really good reason to cry.
posted by Zumbador at 8:58 PM on April 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
I cry very easily. Cute animal videos, in therapy sessions, out of frustration, the lot. I only really feel comfortable crying in front of my husband.
It can be very embarrassing if I need to cry during a work meeting for example. That hardly ever happens, but it has.
My father gets weepy easily when he is moved by a sad film, or tells me about something sad. It seems to be out of intense empathy with people who are suffering.
I remember him weeping when watching an interview with a woman who could not have children, but had channeled her grief into creating a beautiful indoor garden.
I broke down and cried in front of my sister recently and I still feel really embarrassed about that even though I had a really good reason to cry.
posted by Zumbador at 8:58 PM on April 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
39 year old queer woman. I cry very regularly alone and in front of my partner. I just finished a women's retreat and cried in front of them multiple times. I'd just met all of them Friday, and Friday night I cried a lot in front of them. I was raised to be shut down and stoic. I worked hard in therapy to get to my feelings and now I guess it's a point of pride in a way, proof that I overcame a lot of trauma to be able to feel my feelings. And I think the world needs more spaces for sensitivity. It's such a judged thing, so many have been taught to snuff it out in themselves that they push the same expectations on others. I want to be a beacon of the alternative way.
I cry so often that nobody close to me could possibly construe it as being manipulative.
I also have times of the opposite problem where I know there's something going on internally that I need to emote about but can't find it. Years of compartmentalization will do that to you.
posted by crunchy potato at 9:06 PM on April 4, 2022 [5 favorites]
I cry so often that nobody close to me could possibly construe it as being manipulative.
I also have times of the opposite problem where I know there's something going on internally that I need to emote about but can't find it. Years of compartmentalization will do that to you.
posted by crunchy potato at 9:06 PM on April 4, 2022 [5 favorites]
Late 30s cis woman. Seldom. A couple times a year with my spouse and maybe the first time I talk to a new therapist. I used to cry a lot more often but as I've grown older it's much less likely to happen. If you asked my partner I bet he'd say I cry all the time because it used to be a much more regular feature of our life together. Now I might choke up or shed a couple tears, but full out crying is rare.
posted by potrzebie at 9:40 PM on April 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by potrzebie at 9:40 PM on April 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
A handful of times in my life since adolescence, which was apparently too many for everyone involved. And it feels weird to me too, when it does happen. I have to really be in extremis.
My cats are pretty good about it though, and I naturally suppress it less when alone (with them).
posted by snuffleupagus at 10:35 PM on April 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
My cats are pretty good about it though, and I naturally suppress it less when alone (with them).
posted by snuffleupagus at 10:35 PM on April 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
Male, early 50s, occasionally in front of my therapist but never with anyone else. It would probably be better for me to cry more but I've got a whole stoic thing going on.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:50 PM on April 4, 2022
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:50 PM on April 4, 2022
I rarely weep in front of others. I believe that the last time I shed tears of grief in front of others was in 2012. Yet, there are moments that I feel sad, nostalgic, and may wallow in the exquisite nuance of emotional pain, almost as an observer as my eyes become wet and my lip quivers.
posted by jadepearl at 11:16 PM on April 4, 2022
posted by jadepearl at 11:16 PM on April 4, 2022
I cry when I am greatly moved, but I find it embarrassing so I suppress it except when I'm alone or with my partner. He is the only one I feel comfortable crying around, so I suspect other people perceive me as "not a crier"
I cry maybe monthly? More often when I'm having a hard time.
It's a running joke in my house that my husband turned round to see me crying in the middle of David Attenborough and was like, oh no! What's wrong! And I manage to choke out "I'm just so happy about all the whales" and we're both cracking up and I'm laughing and weeping at the same time.
posted by stillnocturnal at 2:23 AM on April 5, 2022 [3 favorites]
I cry maybe monthly? More often when I'm having a hard time.
It's a running joke in my house that my husband turned round to see me crying in the middle of David Attenborough and was like, oh no! What's wrong! And I manage to choke out "I'm just so happy about all the whales" and we're both cracking up and I'm laughing and weeping at the same time.
posted by stillnocturnal at 2:23 AM on April 5, 2022 [3 favorites]
Late 30s cis-ish AFAB person. I almost never full on cry. Probably less than once a year. I do occasionally well up quietly a bit - weirdly, those Bored Panda threads about strangers doing kind things sometimes do it - but we're talking little lump in the throat, not actual weeping. I also often can't cry - it seems like the thing to do and like I might feel better, but the tears just aren't there.
When I do cry, it's nearly always because I'm frustrated or completely overwhelmed; if I'm fully crying, I'm probably having an autistic meltdown. Doctor's appointments or complicated bureaucracy are usually the trigger. The last time I cried was trying to sort out a problem with my bank.
My instinctive reaction to an impending cry is to Try Not To, but that's more because it usually happens when there's something I need to do, and crying will be inconvenient, not because I don't want to be seen crying. It's probably also because I can't have a discreet little leak - if I do cry, it's full on snotty can't-speak sobbing, so it's not like I can say 'Please ignore me, I'm fine, just a bit overwhelmed,' it's a showstopper.
So - almost never, but when I do it's a Whole Thing.
I don't know that it's a family thing - my family are not super demonstrative people, but having and showing feelings is not Something We Don't Do, certainly not something that's discouraged. I was never made to feel bad for crying there. It probably does have something to do with autistic masking- having internalised that if I'm loudly visibly upset about something, outside my family that'll probably be seen as weird or inappropriate because it'll be about something most people wouldn't cry over. I was definitely punished for meltdowns at school.
My wife's the opposite - early in our relationship I made the mistake of showing her Pan's Labyrinth, and she scared the hell out of me by dissolving into floods of full-on my-puppy-got-run-over weeping. I thought there was something wrong with her. No, turns out that's normal. She enjoys a good cry, which I understand is a thing but is totally alien to me.
posted by BlueNorther at 3:39 AM on April 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
When I do cry, it's nearly always because I'm frustrated or completely overwhelmed; if I'm fully crying, I'm probably having an autistic meltdown. Doctor's appointments or complicated bureaucracy are usually the trigger. The last time I cried was trying to sort out a problem with my bank.
My instinctive reaction to an impending cry is to Try Not To, but that's more because it usually happens when there's something I need to do, and crying will be inconvenient, not because I don't want to be seen crying. It's probably also because I can't have a discreet little leak - if I do cry, it's full on snotty can't-speak sobbing, so it's not like I can say 'Please ignore me, I'm fine, just a bit overwhelmed,' it's a showstopper.
So - almost never, but when I do it's a Whole Thing.
I don't know that it's a family thing - my family are not super demonstrative people, but having and showing feelings is not Something We Don't Do, certainly not something that's discouraged. I was never made to feel bad for crying there. It probably does have something to do with autistic masking- having internalised that if I'm loudly visibly upset about something, outside my family that'll probably be seen as weird or inappropriate because it'll be about something most people wouldn't cry over. I was definitely punished for meltdowns at school.
My wife's the opposite - early in our relationship I made the mistake of showing her Pan's Labyrinth, and she scared the hell out of me by dissolving into floods of full-on my-puppy-got-run-over weeping. I thought there was something wrong with her. No, turns out that's normal. She enjoys a good cry, which I understand is a thing but is totally alien to me.
posted by BlueNorther at 3:39 AM on April 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
Gosh that was longer than I realised when I posted it.
posted by BlueNorther at 3:39 AM on April 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by BlueNorther at 3:39 AM on April 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
Mid 30s straight male. Most recently in 2017 I think? Before that probably in 2008 when my last grandparent died.
I did shed a few tears recently looking at my newborn son but I don't know if I'd call that crying, really.
I'm not really into crying and have been pretty happy recently so haven't had much call for it.
I've only ever seen my parents cry at their own parent's funerals so definitely a family trait.
posted by atrazine at 4:00 AM on April 5, 2022
I did shed a few tears recently looking at my newborn son but I don't know if I'd call that crying, really.
I'm not really into crying and have been pretty happy recently so haven't had much call for it.
I've only ever seen my parents cry at their own parent's funerals so definitely a family trait.
posted by atrazine at 4:00 AM on April 5, 2022
40-year-old trans woman. For me this has a lot to do with hormones. I feel weird about this, because "estrogen makes you emotional" is such a bullshit sexist trope. But... yeah, for me at least, it does. Not any less rational, I don't think. And not even any more aware of my feelings. But definitely more inclined to respond to them with tears.
As a kid, I cried in front of others a lot, so much that teachers saw it as A Problem and wanted to Talk To My Parents about it. As a teenager and young adult, I didn't cry at all, either with others or alone, even when I wanted to. After I started taking estrogen during my transition, I went back up from "never" to "sometimes." And if I ever make a rapid hormone change, I cry a bit more until things settle down. (The one time I had to stop estrogen cold turkey, I was a weepy mess for a few weeks.)
Now I cry front of others... maybe every month or two? Sometimes it's a wedding or a movie, sometimes it's an argument, sometimes it's just stress or frustration that needs to be let out. I do it more often with people I feel safe around, but sometimes I have to fight back tears at work or on the phone with a stranger.
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:01 AM on April 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
As a kid, I cried in front of others a lot, so much that teachers saw it as A Problem and wanted to Talk To My Parents about it. As a teenager and young adult, I didn't cry at all, either with others or alone, even when I wanted to. After I started taking estrogen during my transition, I went back up from "never" to "sometimes." And if I ever make a rapid hormone change, I cry a bit more until things settle down. (The one time I had to stop estrogen cold turkey, I was a weepy mess for a few weeks.)
Now I cry front of others... maybe every month or two? Sometimes it's a wedding or a movie, sometimes it's an argument, sometimes it's just stress or frustration that needs to be let out. I do it more often with people I feel safe around, but sometimes I have to fight back tears at work or on the phone with a stranger.
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:01 AM on April 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
44, cis het woman, who has always been prone to crying/weepiness, but tends to only give into it when by myself, which is super rare these days. While I feel safe and loved with trusted people like my husband and mother, I struggle with crying in front of them, especially when it's in reaction to a book, a movie, world news, or things along those lines. I'll still tear up, but I try to contain it for some reason and wish I could let myself unapologetically feel my feelings regardless of who is with me. If it's a larger, personal issue or something that has just built up over time, I let it flow in front of my trusted people. So, a full on cry in front of trusted people is rare for me. I am far more likely to candidly talk about my feelings, but I know talking versus crying hits very different. That said, I surprised myself by ugly crying through our wedding ceremony a couple of years ago (which only had a Justice of the Peace, a photographer, and a friend recording) and I felt very silly/embarrassed about it even though I knew it was because I was so overwhelmed with happy emotions.
As for why I'm not easily able to cry in front of my trusted people, I think it has to do with an instinct to protect them from feeling like they need to take care of me or fix something. I also have depression and anxiety and often worry about that being a burden or setting off alarm bells. Lastly, there is also a narrative around women crying as a form of manipulation and, while that has never applied to my tears, the idea someone might think I was trying to manipulate them is horrifying to me. I know my trusted people know me better than that but I wouldn't be surprised if that was a factor on a subconscious level.
posted by katemcd at 5:44 AM on April 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
As for why I'm not easily able to cry in front of my trusted people, I think it has to do with an instinct to protect them from feeling like they need to take care of me or fix something. I also have depression and anxiety and often worry about that being a burden or setting off alarm bells. Lastly, there is also a narrative around women crying as a form of manipulation and, while that has never applied to my tears, the idea someone might think I was trying to manipulate them is horrifying to me. I know my trusted people know me better than that but I wouldn't be surprised if that was a factor on a subconscious level.
posted by katemcd at 5:44 AM on April 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
41, cis het man. Visibly, with other trusted people: when totally overwhelmed by grief. Or in other words, about three times a decade. In the dark at a movie theatre: every time the background music cue tells my subconscious 'this is an emotive moment', and I hurriedly cover it up. Repression seems a common story around here, I'd certainly like to be less so. I guess I'm an unintentional stoic?
posted by threecheesetrees at 8:21 AM on April 5, 2022
posted by threecheesetrees at 8:21 AM on April 5, 2022
44 year old cis het woman. I tear up in therapy almost weekly. And talking about my feelings with my husband maybe a few times a month. Full blown crying in front of someone? Maybe every 3-6 months if circumstances are particularly stressful.
I also cry watching movies, listening to music, writing in my journal. I'm tempted to say I'm a basket case but that's just how other people have made me feel about it: I am just an emotional person. For what it's worth I'm equally emotive about my other emotions!
posted by pazazygeek at 8:33 AM on April 5, 2022
I also cry watching movies, listening to music, writing in my journal. I'm tempted to say I'm a basket case but that's just how other people have made me feel about it: I am just an emotional person. For what it's worth I'm equally emotive about my other emotions!
posted by pazazygeek at 8:33 AM on April 5, 2022
Late 30's, AFAB agender person. I've always cried easily. I get teary and choked up on my own probably every couple of days - it happened last night while watching a silly tv show that made me feel Feelings. In front of another person (usually family), maybe once every few weeks - that usually due to venting frustration or other strong emotions. Full out sobbing crying is a lot rarer, though.
posted by darchildre at 9:16 AM on April 5, 2022
posted by darchildre at 9:16 AM on April 5, 2022
41 straight man. Never over interpersonal stuff or at work. Alone reading a book, my eyes well up whenever I read about heroic sacrifices (e.g., Medal of Honor winner pages) and whenever I read Flowers for Algernon. I try to convert that to actual crying, mainly for the experience, but it rarely works. I have had one strong cry since teenage years, when I watched "My Love Don't Cross that River" - hit me hard for some reason. I think that endeared me to my wife, though she knows and accepts that I rarely cry - while I love that she's the opposite.
posted by slide at 12:11 PM on April 5, 2022
posted by slide at 12:11 PM on April 5, 2022
Mid-life cis ace female, unmarried, living with non-blood family I trust. I've hit that age where my hormones are definitely doing a thing, so I tear up at the normal times - when I'm very happy, very sad, very scared, or very angry - and also at random weird times, like when I'm watching a particularly manipulative commercial or see a cute cat video or someone says something vaguely nice to me. Maybe... once a week or so? Unless the person I'm in front of at that time is a work colleague, I don't bother hiding it.
I also sometimes cry in therapy, but there are an equal amount of times in therapy when I sit there wondering why I'm there because I feel fine and have no issues and I'm just wasting everybody's time. Usually right before the crying starts again.
posted by invincible summer at 2:49 PM on April 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
I also sometimes cry in therapy, but there are an equal amount of times in therapy when I sit there wondering why I'm there because I feel fine and have no issues and I'm just wasting everybody's time. Usually right before the crying starts again.
posted by invincible summer at 2:49 PM on April 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by coffeecat at 3:17 PM on April 4, 2022