How do I avoid stains on my "food shelf"?
April 3, 2022 4:46 PM Subscribe
I am very buxom and clumsy. Please name restaurant meals and hors d'ouerves that are unlikely to spill, splatter, crumble, leak and otherwise land on my "food shelf". Bonus points for healthier options.
I may have mentioned before that I have the largest home-grown boobs I've ever seen (and that the women at the speciality bra shop have had the pleasure of fitting). I'm also clumsy. (Could be dyspraxia from autism - still can't tie shoelaces). I tend to wear patterned tops so that food marks are disguised, because if a piece of food falls, it's not going to get as far as my lap napkin.
Spaghetti and other saucy pastas tend to drip from my fork - one splotch of carbonara sauce on a pristine black shirt looks like a gag from "Something about Mary". Salad dressing can leave grease marks. Even a bouncing fry /chip can pop a stain on my bosom. A drop of juice from a rare steak creates a target. Jam and cream throw themselves off scones and out of eclairs on to my chest.
This might seem like a ridiculously stupid question, but while I can teach myself standard deviation in a couple of hours, keeping my shirts in a condition so that they're still work-wearable has been an ongoing challenge. (I just bought a lovely lot of new clothes that I don't want to ruin and some of them are not patterned!)
I don't think it's acceptable to wear a bib except at lobster restaurants. (When eating at home, I wear pre-stained shirts. Luckily I live in a gated apartment block, with time to change should someone come a-calling, but not an option at social or work events).
What should I eat? Is there some magic product I can carry in my little cross-body bag to ameliorate this issue?
Many thanks.
I may have mentioned before that I have the largest home-grown boobs I've ever seen (and that the women at the speciality bra shop have had the pleasure of fitting). I'm also clumsy. (Could be dyspraxia from autism - still can't tie shoelaces). I tend to wear patterned tops so that food marks are disguised, because if a piece of food falls, it's not going to get as far as my lap napkin.
Spaghetti and other saucy pastas tend to drip from my fork - one splotch of carbonara sauce on a pristine black shirt looks like a gag from "Something about Mary". Salad dressing can leave grease marks. Even a bouncing fry /chip can pop a stain on my bosom. A drop of juice from a rare steak creates a target. Jam and cream throw themselves off scones and out of eclairs on to my chest.
This might seem like a ridiculously stupid question, but while I can teach myself standard deviation in a couple of hours, keeping my shirts in a condition so that they're still work-wearable has been an ongoing challenge. (I just bought a lovely lot of new clothes that I don't want to ruin and some of them are not patterned!)
I don't think it's acceptable to wear a bib except at lobster restaurants. (When eating at home, I wear pre-stained shirts. Luckily I live in a gated apartment block, with time to change should someone come a-calling, but not an option at social or work events).
What should I eat? Is there some magic product I can carry in my little cross-body bag to ameliorate this issue?
Many thanks.
Oh man, I am there with you! Some things I do:
Carry one of those little detergent stain sticks to get stuff out
Occasionally wear scarves/pins that cover stains or are easier to replace.
If I'm really worried bring an alternate top for emergencies
Dress in layers (easier to hide stains by rearranging them)
Work on an Eating Posture that is forward-leaning, and eat much smaller bites. This is hard with things like salads, giant oil-covered leaves flying about, so I tend to get shredded salad when possible
Disassemble things like burgers and cut them up into small, less drippy bites
Avoid pasta in general.
posted by emjaybee at 5:06 PM on April 3, 2022 [10 favorites]
Carry one of those little detergent stain sticks to get stuff out
Occasionally wear scarves/pins that cover stains or are easier to replace.
If I'm really worried bring an alternate top for emergencies
Dress in layers (easier to hide stains by rearranging them)
Work on an Eating Posture that is forward-leaning, and eat much smaller bites. This is hard with things like salads, giant oil-covered leaves flying about, so I tend to get shredded salad when possible
Disassemble things like burgers and cut them up into small, less drippy bites
Avoid pasta in general.
posted by emjaybee at 5:06 PM on April 3, 2022 [10 favorites]
I find cutting things into small bites and leaning forward to eat is the most practical. If I'm wearing something I don't want to ruin (silk tops, cashmere sweaters, etc) I'll use my napkin as a bib sort of thing by bringing it up to my shoulders rather than on my lap. The social mores of not using a bib was not designed for full chested women so eff them.
posted by fiercekitten at 5:17 PM on April 3, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by fiercekitten at 5:17 PM on April 3, 2022 [4 favorites]
This isn't a problem I have. But, would a big scarf be an option? You'll wind up with a stained scarf, but that's better than a stained top. Having a bucket and some soap at work for an immediate soak might be worth a try if you have a desk/office space.
posted by eotvos at 5:46 PM on April 3, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by eotvos at 5:46 PM on April 3, 2022 [4 favorites]
I would get a few big patterned or dark silky scarves in colours that match your clothing (and silky so they’re not too hot) and now you have eating cloaks. A giant bib that looks fashionable. I never thought about how lap napkins are made for the flat-chested! Change the paradigm!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 8:00 PM on April 3, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by nouvelle-personne at 8:00 PM on April 3, 2022 [3 favorites]
I came to also recommend the scarf.
I also have coordination issues and a deep-seated loved for ramen/laksa/saucy foods, plus social anxiety issues. A while ago I did some serious research into adult bib options that also wouldn't draw attention in public and my answer was those big light-weight fabric scarfs, draped a few times loosely around (can't stand the feeling of things tight on my neck) and the ends tied at the back so they don't dangle in the food. When the meal is over just take it off and stuff it in your bag! They fold up really, really small and weigh nothing, so I keep a few in there. Patterned means stains are even less on an issue, but I haven't had trouble getting most foods out of the plain ones either.
To clarify, I don't wear scarfs day-to-day, just keep a couple in my bag to throw on and off at meals. I *do* feel a bit self-conscious but know that's just me being me and no one looks twice at someone in a drapey scarf (except to think what a nice scarf that is).
posted by Adifferentbear at 9:07 PM on April 3, 2022 [5 favorites]
I also have coordination issues and a deep-seated loved for ramen/laksa/saucy foods, plus social anxiety issues. A while ago I did some serious research into adult bib options that also wouldn't draw attention in public and my answer was those big light-weight fabric scarfs, draped a few times loosely around (can't stand the feeling of things tight on my neck) and the ends tied at the back so they don't dangle in the food. When the meal is over just take it off and stuff it in your bag! They fold up really, really small and weigh nothing, so I keep a few in there. Patterned means stains are even less on an issue, but I haven't had trouble getting most foods out of the plain ones either.
To clarify, I don't wear scarfs day-to-day, just keep a couple in my bag to throw on and off at meals. I *do* feel a bit self-conscious but know that's just me being me and no one looks twice at someone in a drapey scarf (except to think what a nice scarf that is).
posted by Adifferentbear at 9:07 PM on April 3, 2022 [5 favorites]
I'm also of the House of Clums, and had to spend time dialling back my excitement shoveling tasty food into my face so that I shook drops of broth off noodles* and severely restricted the load of pasta on my fork. I'm still a glutton, but one with tidier splash zone around my plate and down my shirt.
*: Some ramen is intended to be eaten noisily with the bowl near your face
posted by k3ninho at 11:27 PM on April 3, 2022 [3 favorites]
*: Some ramen is intended to be eaten noisily with the bowl near your face
posted by k3ninho at 11:27 PM on April 3, 2022 [3 favorites]
Focusing on your initial question:
-Foods that you eat by putting single, separate pieces in your mouth one at a time. Examples: cherry tomatoes, sliced apples, grapes, or cucumbers as hors doeuvre, cheese on a small cracker, anything on a toothpick (meant to be eaten in 1 bite), olives, mixed nuts
-Entrees: meat of choice but cut it in very small pieces to eat (shake fork or place pieces on the higher edge of your plate to drain, to avoid drips from juice), meat prepared as a "cutlet" or "tender" (easy to cut into small pieces and transport to your mouth), shrimp (no tails), basic fish dishes without a lot of sauce like pan fried [fish] with steamed veg (fish flakes nicely into bite sized pieces for easy conveyance on a fork), non-creamy simple pasta dishes like pasta with sautéed veggies, pasta cacio a pepe, or pasta with chicken. Err on side of selecting bite sized pasta shapes like farfalle, rotini.
-Tacos, wrap sandwiches, and lettuce wrap dishes (because you must lean over the plate to prevent filling from falling everywhere)
-Avoid all soup and ramen and salads with a lot of dressing unless you try one of the napkin/scarf methods above or really lean in over the bowl
posted by Red Desk at 12:45 AM on April 4, 2022 [3 favorites]
-Foods that you eat by putting single, separate pieces in your mouth one at a time. Examples: cherry tomatoes, sliced apples, grapes, or cucumbers as hors doeuvre, cheese on a small cracker, anything on a toothpick (meant to be eaten in 1 bite), olives, mixed nuts
-Entrees: meat of choice but cut it in very small pieces to eat (shake fork or place pieces on the higher edge of your plate to drain, to avoid drips from juice), meat prepared as a "cutlet" or "tender" (easy to cut into small pieces and transport to your mouth), shrimp (no tails), basic fish dishes without a lot of sauce like pan fried [fish] with steamed veg (fish flakes nicely into bite sized pieces for easy conveyance on a fork), non-creamy simple pasta dishes like pasta with sautéed veggies, pasta cacio a pepe, or pasta with chicken. Err on side of selecting bite sized pasta shapes like farfalle, rotini.
-Tacos, wrap sandwiches, and lettuce wrap dishes (because you must lean over the plate to prevent filling from falling everywhere)
-Avoid all soup and ramen and salads with a lot of dressing unless you try one of the napkin/scarf methods above or really lean in over the bowl
posted by Red Desk at 12:45 AM on April 4, 2022 [3 favorites]
I have the same issue, but I love food too much to avoid certain messier foods! I do the whole leaning over, small bites, and sometimes I just tuck my napkin in like a bib. Life's too short to worry about what other people think.
posted by unicorn chaser at 2:23 AM on April 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by unicorn chaser at 2:23 AM on April 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
My grandmother was very dedicated to handling this issue, and I'd say from decades of observation that Red Desk has it. But she also had the ornamental scarves on hand, to cover up eventual accidents.
Some more detailed advice: if in an Italian restaurant where she could not avoid a pasta dish, she would have ravioli or similar small, stuffed pasta. Aways in butter or a clear broth, no tomato sauce.
She loved shellfish, but only had it at home, unless it was one of those restaurants where it is OK to wear a bib.
She loved artichokes, but only had them when they were made in the Roman style or Jewish style, where you can eat them with a knife and fork in small bites.
She was huge fan of sushi, sushi is very good for this, if you eat it with a knife and fork. You might find this more embarrassing than she did. Otherwise, no Asian food outside of the home.
If eating a meat and gravy type dish, she would very discreetly mash one potato at a time into the gravy, in order to transport the gravy encased in mash safely to her mouth
Greens like broccoli and string beans are safer to eat than spinach or other leafy greens.
If in doubt at a restaurant, always go for white fish, preferably baked or steamed.
Cheese is often better than dessert, if you can choose, and if you choose a dessert, go for a mousse or a dry cake (gran probably loved whipped cream more than she loved us, so this was a considerable sacrifice).
And the final tip from my grandmother: at home you just let loose girl! I think it comforted her to know while she was eating a boring steamed fish at a restaurant that at home she would be able to cook her own crab fest and all the sauces. Or the sauciest lasagna you have ever experienced.
posted by mumimor at 4:21 AM on April 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
Some more detailed advice: if in an Italian restaurant where she could not avoid a pasta dish, she would have ravioli or similar small, stuffed pasta. Aways in butter or a clear broth, no tomato sauce.
She loved shellfish, but only had it at home, unless it was one of those restaurants where it is OK to wear a bib.
She loved artichokes, but only had them when they were made in the Roman style or Jewish style, where you can eat them with a knife and fork in small bites.
She was huge fan of sushi, sushi is very good for this, if you eat it with a knife and fork. You might find this more embarrassing than she did. Otherwise, no Asian food outside of the home.
If eating a meat and gravy type dish, she would very discreetly mash one potato at a time into the gravy, in order to transport the gravy encased in mash safely to her mouth
Greens like broccoli and string beans are safer to eat than spinach or other leafy greens.
If in doubt at a restaurant, always go for white fish, preferably baked or steamed.
Cheese is often better than dessert, if you can choose, and if you choose a dessert, go for a mousse or a dry cake (gran probably loved whipped cream more than she loved us, so this was a considerable sacrifice).
And the final tip from my grandmother: at home you just let loose girl! I think it comforted her to know while she was eating a boring steamed fish at a restaurant that at home she would be able to cook her own crab fest and all the sauces. Or the sauciest lasagna you have ever experienced.
posted by mumimor at 4:21 AM on April 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Scarfs it is. And small things. Thank you!
posted by b33j at 7:13 AM on April 4, 2022
posted by b33j at 7:13 AM on April 4, 2022
I could have written this question! So: solidarity!
I agree with the scarves suggestion for when in public, either to cover an unexpected stain or as protection in the first place. I also wear aprons while eating at home (rather than change clothes), though ymmv on finding one that is full coverage enough. I like doing this especially when cooking/eating with others; I often “forget” to take it off when we sit down to eat, if the occasion is informal.
And while I also agree with the food choice suggestions (I basically never eat noodles, non-chopped salads, or sandwiches in public), I think there are some fork-handling techniques that are worth mentioning, too. I make a deliberate effort to gently tap a bite of saucier food on my plate before I raise it to my mouth; to open my mouth wider than is my instinct, to make sure I get my mouth around the whole bite; and to sit just a smidge farther back from the table than I otherwise might, so that my fork only has to travel in a wide arc over my breasts, rather than up from underneath and then over them (if that makes sense?).
posted by CtrlAltDelete at 7:50 AM on April 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
I agree with the scarves suggestion for when in public, either to cover an unexpected stain or as protection in the first place. I also wear aprons while eating at home (rather than change clothes), though ymmv on finding one that is full coverage enough. I like doing this especially when cooking/eating with others; I often “forget” to take it off when we sit down to eat, if the occasion is informal.
And while I also agree with the food choice suggestions (I basically never eat noodles, non-chopped salads, or sandwiches in public), I think there are some fork-handling techniques that are worth mentioning, too. I make a deliberate effort to gently tap a bite of saucier food on my plate before I raise it to my mouth; to open my mouth wider than is my instinct, to make sure I get my mouth around the whole bite; and to sit just a smidge farther back from the table than I otherwise might, so that my fork only has to travel in a wide arc over my breasts, rather than up from underneath and then over them (if that makes sense?).
posted by CtrlAltDelete at 7:50 AM on April 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
I have the same problem, and the scarf idea is an interesting one!
I tend to follow my fork/spoon with either the back of my other hand or for extremely drippy things, my other hand holding my napkin. I hear my etiquette-drilling mother in my head every time, but it's better than ruining every item I own with broth or sauce or dressing or taco grease.
I suppose I could use my own dark hankies for this, I would not have thought of that without this thread!
posted by ApathyGirl at 12:45 PM on April 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
I tend to follow my fork/spoon with either the back of my other hand or for extremely drippy things, my other hand holding my napkin. I hear my etiquette-drilling mother in my head every time, but it's better than ruining every item I own with broth or sauce or dressing or taco grease.
I suppose I could use my own dark hankies for this, I would not have thought of that without this thread!
posted by ApathyGirl at 12:45 PM on April 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
This is one of the reasons my standard daily wear "uniform" is a cardigan or other open-front garment over a shirt: I close the cardigan over my shirt when I eat, and it gets all the stains.
The secret for lessening ramen splash without crouching low over your bowl like a hungry gnome is to pick up the noodles with your chopsticks in your primary hand, then drain them over the spoon held in your secondary hand. Lean forward over the bowl and eat the noodles from the chopsticks while using the spoon to control the movement of the hanging end of the noodles. Don't slurp like spaghetti, gently feed the noodles in with chopsticks. Takes a little practice, but I promise you it is possible to eat ramen without wearing it, too. Although I still close my cardigan up while eating ramen.
posted by telophase at 1:50 PM on April 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
The secret for lessening ramen splash without crouching low over your bowl like a hungry gnome is to pick up the noodles with your chopsticks in your primary hand, then drain them over the spoon held in your secondary hand. Lean forward over the bowl and eat the noodles from the chopsticks while using the spoon to control the movement of the hanging end of the noodles. Don't slurp like spaghetti, gently feed the noodles in with chopsticks. Takes a little practice, but I promise you it is possible to eat ramen without wearing it, too. Although I still close my cardigan up while eating ramen.
posted by telophase at 1:50 PM on April 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
I am fat and like to read/browse my phone when i eat by myself.
I ask for a 2nd napkin to tuck in my collar.
posted by brujita at 6:02 PM on April 4, 2022
I ask for a 2nd napkin to tuck in my collar.
posted by brujita at 6:02 PM on April 4, 2022
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