How does one regain self-esteem after wimping out at work?
April 1, 2022 2:01 PM Subscribe
I caved to an abusive manager and lost self-respect because of it. Although a few years have gone by since then, I have not been successful at recovering my self-esteem.
I worked for an organization for over thirteen years. The first nine years were very good. I always received excellent annual reviews. Year ten, a new manager was brought on board, to whom I reported. New manager was very insecure and very controlling. (I later learned from multiple reliable sources that she had been fired from her previous position.)
New manager accused me of very bizarre, off the wall things that absolutely never, ever happened and were not true at all, e.g.:
"At times she is insubordinate"
"She is full of derogatory quips about people, and you can't tell whether or not she is kidding" (new manager told me that others had also complained to new manager about this, and when I asked new manager who the others were, new manager replied, "lots of people")
"She has raised her voice so loudly and so and heatedly toward me that those around us wondered if they should enter my office to intervene"
"She told me that people who donate to the poor during the holidays should not be thanked", etc.
In the first annual review new manager conducted on me, new manager checked the box, "improvement needed" regarding management of a database. I asked new manager in what way improvement was needed. New manager's response was, "The reason I checked 'improvement needed' is because management of the database is not a job duty that is assigned to you." How could new manager expect me to improve on a task that wasn't even a task that I had anything to do with?? (In reality, it was a task that I did, but she didn't know this because she never took the time to find out what any of my job duties were. BTW, I did the task well.)
I had gone to new manager three times over a period of a year to ask for assistance resolving a routine work-related improvement needed that was something that any manager would be expected to address, but she did nothing, and so after a year of limping along, I had to go to HR for assistance. HR brought in the CFO to help, and the improvement was made, but shortly thereafter, new manager called me into her office and said, "Don't ever go to HR for assistance again. Instead, come directly to me." The irony.
Eventually, I couldn't stand it anymore, and so I resigned from my job. My problem is that my self-esteem has taken a huge hit, not because of the way new manager treated me, but because I feel like I didn't stand up for myself. I feel like I completely wimped out. At the time, I did contact a few employment lawyers, but none of them were taking new clients. I live in a relatively small town, so the pool of lawyers is quite small. Another time, when new manager divulged personal health information to me about a fellow employee, I did report this to HR as it was a HIPAA violation. But other than those two meager attempts at defending myself, I did nothing.
Since this happened, I've only had the self-esteem to work a string of short-term, entry-level jobs. I have lost my nerve to go for a "real" job.
What advice can you give me regarding regaining my self-esteem?
I worked for an organization for over thirteen years. The first nine years were very good. I always received excellent annual reviews. Year ten, a new manager was brought on board, to whom I reported. New manager was very insecure and very controlling. (I later learned from multiple reliable sources that she had been fired from her previous position.)
New manager accused me of very bizarre, off the wall things that absolutely never, ever happened and were not true at all, e.g.:
"At times she is insubordinate"
"She is full of derogatory quips about people, and you can't tell whether or not she is kidding" (new manager told me that others had also complained to new manager about this, and when I asked new manager who the others were, new manager replied, "lots of people")
"She has raised her voice so loudly and so and heatedly toward me that those around us wondered if they should enter my office to intervene"
"She told me that people who donate to the poor during the holidays should not be thanked", etc.
In the first annual review new manager conducted on me, new manager checked the box, "improvement needed" regarding management of a database. I asked new manager in what way improvement was needed. New manager's response was, "The reason I checked 'improvement needed' is because management of the database is not a job duty that is assigned to you." How could new manager expect me to improve on a task that wasn't even a task that I had anything to do with?? (In reality, it was a task that I did, but she didn't know this because she never took the time to find out what any of my job duties were. BTW, I did the task well.)
I had gone to new manager three times over a period of a year to ask for assistance resolving a routine work-related improvement needed that was something that any manager would be expected to address, but she did nothing, and so after a year of limping along, I had to go to HR for assistance. HR brought in the CFO to help, and the improvement was made, but shortly thereafter, new manager called me into her office and said, "Don't ever go to HR for assistance again. Instead, come directly to me." The irony.
Eventually, I couldn't stand it anymore, and so I resigned from my job. My problem is that my self-esteem has taken a huge hit, not because of the way new manager treated me, but because I feel like I didn't stand up for myself. I feel like I completely wimped out. At the time, I did contact a few employment lawyers, but none of them were taking new clients. I live in a relatively small town, so the pool of lawyers is quite small. Another time, when new manager divulged personal health information to me about a fellow employee, I did report this to HR as it was a HIPAA violation. But other than those two meager attempts at defending myself, I did nothing.
Since this happened, I've only had the self-esteem to work a string of short-term, entry-level jobs. I have lost my nerve to go for a "real" job.
What advice can you give me regarding regaining my self-esteem?
The way the workplace is structured, there aren't a lot of options for defending oneself against an aggressive manager who has it out for you. Your options are really just take another job or try to wait out a bad manager in the hopes they will be removed. If they're doing something that runs afoul of discrimination laws you could maybe go to HR but whether that will be actually helpful is a crapshoot that depends on your organization's culture, the specific behavior of the manager, your personal characteristics, etc.
So I don't know what you think you should have done to stand up for yourself but it almost certainly wouldn't have made a difference. You feel powerless or disempowered because you're imagining there was something you could do to make this person behave differently towards you or get them removed, but that's not reality. You took one of the only 2 actions that were actually available to you. That's great! Your next step is to figure out how to spin that experience to future employers.
Something like "there were management changes and the direction of the role was becoming incompatible with my career goals". Don't say your boss was an ass.
posted by jeoc at 2:30 PM on April 1, 2022 [7 favorites]
So I don't know what you think you should have done to stand up for yourself but it almost certainly wouldn't have made a difference. You feel powerless or disempowered because you're imagining there was something you could do to make this person behave differently towards you or get them removed, but that's not reality. You took one of the only 2 actions that were actually available to you. That's great! Your next step is to figure out how to spin that experience to future employers.
Something like "there were management changes and the direction of the role was becoming incompatible with my career goals". Don't say your boss was an ass.
posted by jeoc at 2:30 PM on April 1, 2022 [7 favorites]
These corporate jobs are like this. I've never been in any kind of job situation that wasn't actively toxic in all of the ways you describe. It's extremely difficult to know what you're supposed to do when people are behaving irrationally. You can't beat yourself up for not knowing how to do something that no one knows how to do. We're all just doing our best out here & that includes you. You should aim high because your retirement/old age/disability planning is what this is all about and don't let them sabotage you. That's what we're doing this for.
posted by bleep at 2:30 PM on April 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by bleep at 2:30 PM on April 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
I don't think there was anything you could have done, short of getting out of there sooner. Your manager had more power than you did, and it sounds like she was both experienced and ruthless when it comes to office politics. You were in an unwinnable situation.
After I left my Job From Hell and got a new one working for a very supportive manager (coincidentally starting as a temp, then getting hired as a regular employee), it took roughly three times as long as I'd been in the JFH for the twitchy, traumatized feelings to fully go away. But they did eventually. Be kind to yourself as you work through this.
posted by Lexica at 3:08 PM on April 1, 2022 [5 favorites]
After I left my Job From Hell and got a new one working for a very supportive manager (coincidentally starting as a temp, then getting hired as a regular employee), it took roughly three times as long as I'd been in the JFH for the twitchy, traumatized feelings to fully go away. But they did eventually. Be kind to yourself as you work through this.
posted by Lexica at 3:08 PM on April 1, 2022 [5 favorites]
Let's look at what victory could've looked like here.
a) Ultimate victory would have been getting rid of your toxic boss and replacing them with someone better. Alas, your toxic boss was your boss because their boss thought that they would be good at their job. Getting your boss fired means that you have to make your grandboss understand they've made a mistake in hiring. Not a winning proposition! Bad line bosses are like drop-ceiling water stains; you don't want them and the root cause is probably above them.
b) The stand-up-for-yourself path to victory: somehow you figure out the magic words to say and your boss is transformed into someone who is a good communicator and plays well with others and everything goes better. I am not a human hacker but I believe those words don't really exist. Jerks will jerk, and your boss is probably just doing things that have given them success in their career. Certain kinds of jerks are really privileged by capitalism.
c) The "way to win is not to play" victory. You leave.
You've won, OP. It may not feel like it, but you have. That shitty person no longer has authority over you and your livelihood. You are free of them. You've still got damage from them and that sucks, but they've hurt you as much as they can, because you were smart and ditched a harmful situation that you were powerless to fix.
You will be stronger for this. You have learned where your boundaries are and how much toxicity you're prepared to deal with. When you encounter the next jerk -- and there will be another one, likely -- you will be better able to handle them. Learning how to deal with jerks is an invaluable skill that, alas, only comes via exposure.
How to move on? You've got nearly a decade of evidence that says you can do good work in your field. Lean into that. I've got mad imposter syndrome that jacks me up sometimes and when I feel it I look back at something I did well, something I was proud of, and that gets me through. Dwell on that stuff. Believe it. It is real. Reread your first paragraph. On those annual reviews, multiple people agreed that you were good at your job. That doesn't happen without genuine achievement.
Also, keep in mind that a certain class of leader will drive away able subordinates because they fear being replaced by their able subordinates. Maybe you were targeted not because you were vulnerable, but because you were strong?
posted by Sauce Trough at 3:21 PM on April 1, 2022 [22 favorites]
a) Ultimate victory would have been getting rid of your toxic boss and replacing them with someone better. Alas, your toxic boss was your boss because their boss thought that they would be good at their job. Getting your boss fired means that you have to make your grandboss understand they've made a mistake in hiring. Not a winning proposition! Bad line bosses are like drop-ceiling water stains; you don't want them and the root cause is probably above them.
b) The stand-up-for-yourself path to victory: somehow you figure out the magic words to say and your boss is transformed into someone who is a good communicator and plays well with others and everything goes better. I am not a human hacker but I believe those words don't really exist. Jerks will jerk, and your boss is probably just doing things that have given them success in their career. Certain kinds of jerks are really privileged by capitalism.
c) The "way to win is not to play" victory. You leave.
You've won, OP. It may not feel like it, but you have. That shitty person no longer has authority over you and your livelihood. You are free of them. You've still got damage from them and that sucks, but they've hurt you as much as they can, because you were smart and ditched a harmful situation that you were powerless to fix.
You will be stronger for this. You have learned where your boundaries are and how much toxicity you're prepared to deal with. When you encounter the next jerk -- and there will be another one, likely -- you will be better able to handle them. Learning how to deal with jerks is an invaluable skill that, alas, only comes via exposure.
How to move on? You've got nearly a decade of evidence that says you can do good work in your field. Lean into that. I've got mad imposter syndrome that jacks me up sometimes and when I feel it I look back at something I did well, something I was proud of, and that gets me through. Dwell on that stuff. Believe it. It is real. Reread your first paragraph. On those annual reviews, multiple people agreed that you were good at your job. That doesn't happen without genuine achievement.
Also, keep in mind that a certain class of leader will drive away able subordinates because they fear being replaced by their able subordinates. Maybe you were targeted not because you were vulnerable, but because you were strong?
posted by Sauce Trough at 3:21 PM on April 1, 2022 [22 favorites]
I mean, you can see yourself as having lost all your self esteem and blame yourself for that, or you can see yourself as a victim of gaslighting. Whatever outcome you're imagining would have emerged had you stood up for yourself would not have occurred. Gaslighters don't apologise for being successful at gaslighting, nor do they stop.
You quit. You won. Well done!
posted by DarlingBri at 4:14 PM on April 1, 2022 [6 favorites]
You quit. You won. Well done!
posted by DarlingBri at 4:14 PM on April 1, 2022 [6 favorites]
Any chance you have emails or other documentation saved from your first nine years documenting the good work and reasonable, positive feedback that made up your first nine years on the job? Friendly correspondence, glowing annual reviews, or whatnot? Looking through those once in a while, or even just thinking back on them if you don't have the actual paperwork, might be a helpful mental reminder that the problem here very clearly did not have to do with you, and that most people are better colleagues than your manager.
posted by eponym at 4:38 PM on April 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by eponym at 4:38 PM on April 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
This is an ideal situation for short term therapy.
You need to take a hard look at why you didn’t stand up for yourself (although from your description “there was no reasonable way to do it” seems like an answer) but more importantly you need to walk through why this has had such a dramatic effect on your life. What you are experiencing right now is the sort of thing that is the culmination of years of self doubt. The manager may have just been the final straw.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 4:44 PM on April 1, 2022 [5 favorites]
You need to take a hard look at why you didn’t stand up for yourself (although from your description “there was no reasonable way to do it” seems like an answer) but more importantly you need to walk through why this has had such a dramatic effect on your life. What you are experiencing right now is the sort of thing that is the culmination of years of self doubt. The manager may have just been the final straw.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 4:44 PM on April 1, 2022 [5 favorites]
Since this happened, I've only had the self-esteem to work a string of short-term, entry-level jobs. I have lost my nerve to go for a "real" job.
As someone who had a similar experience (got great performance reviews, was well-regarded, then new, emotionally-unstable and insecure manager ground me down and forced me out) I will say that getting a new, "real" full-time job with a new manager and a new team has been key in me moving forward from the mental and emotional damage of the bullying and belittling.
It's basically exposure therapy -- a bunch of new data points that I can let bounce around in my head. "Hmm, $shittypastmanager threw a fit when I suggested a new process for TPS reports. But $newmanager praised me for the suggestion, took it and now our team is processing 25 percent more reports... so my ideas ARE good after all."
"Hmmm, when a guy on my old team wasn't performing well, $shittypastmanager talked shit about him, spread rumors behind his back and forced him out. But on my new team, $newmanager is directly addressing difficulties, without showing anger and/or personalizing the problems."
"Hmmm, $shittypastmanager would spend our one-on-ones ranting to me about his in-laws and blaming me for unrelated problems in his personal life. $newmanager uses our one-on-one meetings to help me grow my career. I don't know anything about his personal problems and I don't dread our conversations. Huh, interesting!"
It's just... more data, so I can compare and contrast leadership tactics objectively. And YMMV, but I'm also making more money? Like, a lot more money? Than in the old role? Because that's a thing in different industries right now, especially with the Great Resignation. Occasionally I talk to former coworkers who are still working for $shittypastmanager and, they don't like working there, but, they... won't leave. They won't even... interview elsewhere. And they're making way less money and being belittled constantly! And it's just really informative to hear this and think, wow, I'm making more money, and I'm being treated with respect, and my new company is more successful, but there are people stuck there because they are scared to leave. It helps me be more kind to myself too.
Applying and interviewing for new jobs was really hard because of the mental damage $shittypastmanager inflicted. I had to:
1. Come up with a positive script of what happened at the job when asked, that felt fake
2. Come up with lots of happy positive answers about challenges I had faced, those felt fake
3. ACTUALLY START THE NEW JOB scared that my new manager and coworkers were going to lash out at me.
And... Job has gone fine. I've been getting oodles of positive feedback, doing in many instances the exact same kind of competent, normal-person-who-is-good-at-her-job stuff that $shittypastmanager bullied and belittled me for doing.
I still have shitty days where he's in my head telling me I'm worthless, and I replay the final conversation we had a lot, and remember all of the things I could have done to defend myself, that I didn't, and feel sad and ashamed. But, those are the shitty days, and most days I don't. And I know that over time I will fully move on.
Part of my healing is focusing on the fact that work is not important, and even IF I struggled professionally my whole life I still have worth and value and deserve respect. Turning to friends and family and getting out in the world to make sure I see the big picture. And that is TRUE. And that is good.
But also, for me personally, jumping back into the full-time job grind has been vital in showing me that I am competent, I have valuable skills, and just because one bozo was a cruel, incompetent human and I got trapped in his shittiness doesn't mean I have to set aside everything I've worked for. It's f'ing terrifying to try again and risk getting into a shitty environment again, but it's also the only way to reclaim your professional life. Good luck!
posted by rogerroger at 4:46 PM on April 1, 2022 [6 favorites]
As someone who had a similar experience (got great performance reviews, was well-regarded, then new, emotionally-unstable and insecure manager ground me down and forced me out) I will say that getting a new, "real" full-time job with a new manager and a new team has been key in me moving forward from the mental and emotional damage of the bullying and belittling.
It's basically exposure therapy -- a bunch of new data points that I can let bounce around in my head. "Hmm, $shittypastmanager threw a fit when I suggested a new process for TPS reports. But $newmanager praised me for the suggestion, took it and now our team is processing 25 percent more reports... so my ideas ARE good after all."
"Hmmm, when a guy on my old team wasn't performing well, $shittypastmanager talked shit about him, spread rumors behind his back and forced him out. But on my new team, $newmanager is directly addressing difficulties, without showing anger and/or personalizing the problems."
"Hmmm, $shittypastmanager would spend our one-on-ones ranting to me about his in-laws and blaming me for unrelated problems in his personal life. $newmanager uses our one-on-one meetings to help me grow my career. I don't know anything about his personal problems and I don't dread our conversations. Huh, interesting!"
It's just... more data, so I can compare and contrast leadership tactics objectively. And YMMV, but I'm also making more money? Like, a lot more money? Than in the old role? Because that's a thing in different industries right now, especially with the Great Resignation. Occasionally I talk to former coworkers who are still working for $shittypastmanager and, they don't like working there, but, they... won't leave. They won't even... interview elsewhere. And they're making way less money and being belittled constantly! And it's just really informative to hear this and think, wow, I'm making more money, and I'm being treated with respect, and my new company is more successful, but there are people stuck there because they are scared to leave. It helps me be more kind to myself too.
Applying and interviewing for new jobs was really hard because of the mental damage $shittypastmanager inflicted. I had to:
1. Come up with a positive script of what happened at the job when asked, that felt fake
2. Come up with lots of happy positive answers about challenges I had faced, those felt fake
3. ACTUALLY START THE NEW JOB scared that my new manager and coworkers were going to lash out at me.
And... Job has gone fine. I've been getting oodles of positive feedback, doing in many instances the exact same kind of competent, normal-person-who-is-good-at-her-job stuff that $shittypastmanager bullied and belittled me for doing.
I still have shitty days where he's in my head telling me I'm worthless, and I replay the final conversation we had a lot, and remember all of the things I could have done to defend myself, that I didn't, and feel sad and ashamed. But, those are the shitty days, and most days I don't. And I know that over time I will fully move on.
Part of my healing is focusing on the fact that work is not important, and even IF I struggled professionally my whole life I still have worth and value and deserve respect. Turning to friends and family and getting out in the world to make sure I see the big picture. And that is TRUE. And that is good.
But also, for me personally, jumping back into the full-time job grind has been vital in showing me that I am competent, I have valuable skills, and just because one bozo was a cruel, incompetent human and I got trapped in his shittiness doesn't mean I have to set aside everything I've worked for. It's f'ing terrifying to try again and risk getting into a shitty environment again, but it's also the only way to reclaim your professional life. Good luck!
posted by rogerroger at 4:46 PM on April 1, 2022 [6 favorites]
Here’sa daily practice that has helped me:
At the end of the day, tell myself out loud everything I did successfully that day. Small things, big things; work things, home things, values things, self care things.
It feels goofy, but it’s really made a difference.
posted by spindrifter at 7:54 AM on April 2, 2022 [3 favorites]
At the end of the day, tell myself out loud everything I did successfully that day. Small things, big things; work things, home things, values things, self care things.
It feels goofy, but it’s really made a difference.
posted by spindrifter at 7:54 AM on April 2, 2022 [3 favorites]
You may want to read a bit of Ask A Manager to check in on how people recover from Toxic Bosses, because there is a transition, and it takes time to undo the damage they created. You can have your own epiphanies and additional development as you wrestle with the shadow that experience has cast. Have mercy on yourself, and getting out is self-preservation, a win. Dust off your resume, you’re taking care of an important family member, if anyone asks -yourself! But no one needs to know the specifics. What paths are interesting? If toxic boss flamed out, would you want to return, or would that be too triggering? Keep in touch with colleagues that recall your good work to cast away the gaslighting. The pandemic has been a whammy for everyone, so there is a lot of grace for people who have shifts in work over the past few years.
posted by childofTethys at 3:27 PM on April 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by childofTethys at 3:27 PM on April 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
"At the time, I did contact a few employment lawyers, but none of them were taking new clients. I live in a relatively small town, so the pool of lawyers is quite small."
What were you hoping the lawyers would do for you? Do you think your manager was discriminating against you based on your gender, race, age, etc? Your boss sounds lousy, but unless I missed something, they didn't do anything illegal.
Maybe you were hoping you could sue the company and win a bunch of money and punish the boss? I can see why that would be a lovely outcome, but that's just not how those things work. Since that was never an option, maybe knowing that that will help you let go of any guilt you're carrying around for not trying harder to make that happen.
I hope you find a new job where you feel more appreciated. Good luck!
posted by equipoise at 1:44 PM on April 3, 2022
What were you hoping the lawyers would do for you? Do you think your manager was discriminating against you based on your gender, race, age, etc? Your boss sounds lousy, but unless I missed something, they didn't do anything illegal.
Maybe you were hoping you could sue the company and win a bunch of money and punish the boss? I can see why that would be a lovely outcome, but that's just not how those things work. Since that was never an option, maybe knowing that that will help you let go of any guilt you're carrying around for not trying harder to make that happen.
I hope you find a new job where you feel more appreciated. Good luck!
posted by equipoise at 1:44 PM on April 3, 2022
Seconding Tell Me No Lies that short-term therapy could be helpful here. By your own account, this manager was "abusive," and it seems as though you may have internalized this abuse (calling someone a "wimp" is the kind of thing a bully does to their victim). You can un-internalize this on your own, but it may be helpful to have assistance from someone who can validate how messed up this situation was on all fronts until you can remember why you weren't able to act.
Best of luck. You can do it!
posted by pgoat at 8:55 PM on April 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
Best of luck. You can do it!
posted by pgoat at 8:55 PM on April 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
Coming in to second all the people saying that you won! I had the same situation (long time employee with great reviews etc dealing with new, insecure boss gaslighting me, citing 'aggression' failing to acknowledge my work history and patronising me to such a degree I genuinely became a bit unhinged).
I'd had enough and so I quit. I took a short term contract at a lower level so there was less pressure to hit the ground running. Then, once up to speed (took about six months) I moved into a better position, nailed it and have now been promoted past old boss's level in a better org working with great people and a super-smart and supportive line manager who recognises experience and skill when she sees it.
It's just a process. I think much of what happened was due to the 'boiling frog' perspective. I was put into an untenable situation and I tried to adapt - to the point that it became seriously dangerous for my mental health. It also became a vicious circle - my stress was making me act in ways that were not usual - forgetting things, getting emotional etc and that's what really knocked my confidence. Once out of that pressure cooker I was able to cool down and reflect. I know now that I will never again allow that to happen. Part of that process meant being super - observant of both my own behaviours and those of colleagues in new situations which - at first - was probably a form of paranoia, but it about learning to protect myself. Now I'm past that, and working with good people - I have come on leaps and bounds.
So! In short, you're good! You're just giving yourself the neccessary time to heal. You'll be ready sooner than you think. Good luck!
posted by freya_lamb at 12:08 PM on April 5, 2022
I'd had enough and so I quit. I took a short term contract at a lower level so there was less pressure to hit the ground running. Then, once up to speed (took about six months) I moved into a better position, nailed it and have now been promoted past old boss's level in a better org working with great people and a super-smart and supportive line manager who recognises experience and skill when she sees it.
It's just a process. I think much of what happened was due to the 'boiling frog' perspective. I was put into an untenable situation and I tried to adapt - to the point that it became seriously dangerous for my mental health. It also became a vicious circle - my stress was making me act in ways that were not usual - forgetting things, getting emotional etc and that's what really knocked my confidence. Once out of that pressure cooker I was able to cool down and reflect. I know now that I will never again allow that to happen. Part of that process meant being super - observant of both my own behaviours and those of colleagues in new situations which - at first - was probably a form of paranoia, but it about learning to protect myself. Now I'm past that, and working with good people - I have come on leaps and bounds.
So! In short, you're good! You're just giving yourself the neccessary time to heal. You'll be ready sooner than you think. Good luck!
posted by freya_lamb at 12:08 PM on April 5, 2022
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I think you were doing the best you could under crazeball circumstances. Also, you got out! That's standing up for yourself too, in a way.
Signed, Someone Else Who's Been Falsely Accused At Work. (Trying to defend myself did...not go great.)
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:26 PM on April 1, 2022 [6 favorites]