Ease flying anxiety for a 5 year old
March 28, 2022 2:58 AM Subscribe
My daughter is afraid of flying and we're about to take a long trip with two flights each way. She's not an anxious kid, secure and even fearless normally. But we flew last year and she absolutely sobbed for the first 20 minutes, with all her muscles very tense. I held her the whole time, and spoke quietly with her, said she was safe, and she relaxed as we levelled off. Her description was that she hated the bumpiness and it made her body feel strange. Now she's dreading this trip. What can I do to help?
Happy to get tips for how to best help an anxious flier and things to help soothe her. She was definitely not in a place where distraction would have worked in the moment - she was truly terrified. But maybe something leading up to the flight? Videos or books you recommend? She doesn't get carsick, but I was wondering if it might be nausea? Open to trying medication but she's not used to it, so a bit worried about making her disoriented and more scared.
Happy to get tips for how to best help an anxious flier and things to help soothe her. She was definitely not in a place where distraction would have worked in the moment - she was truly terrified. But maybe something leading up to the flight? Videos or books you recommend? She doesn't get carsick, but I was wondering if it might be nausea? Open to trying medication but she's not used to it, so a bit worried about making her disoriented and more scared.
I hate hate hate the pressure shifts of take off and landing, but once I’m in the air the worst part about plane rides is the noise more than anything else. I have some sensory processing difficulties and I think pressure shifts make my brain go particularly haywire. It absolutely makes my body feel strange. I’ve never been afraid of flying but I’ve never liked it, either.
Some ways to help might be chewing gum (this helps your inner ear pressure), small sips of water or a favorite juice (this is an anxiety calming technique), breathing exercises like box breathing or 7-11 breathing (there are many visualization apps for this so she wouldn’t need to be able to keep count, just watch the shapes change or dials go around), bundling up under a weighted blanket or otherwise giving her even deep pressure squashes, and using a favorite fidget toy to help distract her and focus on something innocuous.
I think being really clear about it being a temporary feeling and it being caused by the plane needing to go so far up in the sky that you are above the clouds might help. She had never felt it that first time, but now she knows that it is just a small part of flying so remind her about that a lot. Learning about how things work always helps me be less scared of them. There are lots of ways to learn about how planes fly, even targeted for five year olds. You can talk her through the order of events ahead of time and let her ask a million questions about each step, and emphasize take off as being only one part.
I agree with the answer above as well. If she enjoys other things that cause similar sensations you can connect them for her, and try new ones to get her used to the feelings. For the record, I hate most anything to do with falling or climbing quickly, or going kind of fast. Only cross country skiing for me, rollercoasters are a no thank you, the space needle elevator was kind of awful for me, I never learned to swim or ride a bike… If your kid seems otherwise neurotypical in this regard, she will probably get incrementally more chill about flying each time it happens.
posted by Mizu at 3:46 AM on March 28, 2022 [5 favorites]
Some ways to help might be chewing gum (this helps your inner ear pressure), small sips of water or a favorite juice (this is an anxiety calming technique), breathing exercises like box breathing or 7-11 breathing (there are many visualization apps for this so she wouldn’t need to be able to keep count, just watch the shapes change or dials go around), bundling up under a weighted blanket or otherwise giving her even deep pressure squashes, and using a favorite fidget toy to help distract her and focus on something innocuous.
I think being really clear about it being a temporary feeling and it being caused by the plane needing to go so far up in the sky that you are above the clouds might help. She had never felt it that first time, but now she knows that it is just a small part of flying so remind her about that a lot. Learning about how things work always helps me be less scared of them. There are lots of ways to learn about how planes fly, even targeted for five year olds. You can talk her through the order of events ahead of time and let her ask a million questions about each step, and emphasize take off as being only one part.
I agree with the answer above as well. If she enjoys other things that cause similar sensations you can connect them for her, and try new ones to get her used to the feelings. For the record, I hate most anything to do with falling or climbing quickly, or going kind of fast. Only cross country skiing for me, rollercoasters are a no thank you, the space needle elevator was kind of awful for me, I never learned to swim or ride a bike… If your kid seems otherwise neurotypical in this regard, she will probably get incrementally more chill about flying each time it happens.
posted by Mizu at 3:46 AM on March 28, 2022 [5 favorites]
She is right to say it is a very strange feeling to take off or touch down in a plane - you're strapped in, you're being pushed way back into your seat for a really long time, your ears start to feel very strange and you have to actively pop them to relieve the pressure, your sinuses may feel quite painful even. And that's all before there is any actual bumpiness, which makes you feel as if you're falling because you are falling and conceptualising that that is ok in this particular situation is also quite difficult. So acknowledging that all these things are real and not necessarily very nice and that these not nice sensations may last several minutes before they pass is ok.
Also, motion sickness medication is the best thing every - it basically knocks you out. You take it up to an hr before take off and I can easily fall asleep before we even start to taxi and wake up again as the wheels touch down on landing. At least on a short to medium flight. You could test how she reacts to this kind of medication at home, prior to the trip.
posted by koahiatamadl at 3:51 AM on March 28, 2022 [3 favorites]
Also, motion sickness medication is the best thing every - it basically knocks you out. You take it up to an hr before take off and I can easily fall asleep before we even start to taxi and wake up again as the wheels touch down on landing. At least on a short to medium flight. You could test how she reacts to this kind of medication at home, prior to the trip.
posted by koahiatamadl at 3:51 AM on March 28, 2022 [3 favorites]
Talk to your ped about antinausea meds.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:16 AM on March 28, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 4:16 AM on March 28, 2022 [4 favorites]
"she hated the bumpiness and it made her body feel strange"
Seconded, and I travel via air for a living. I liken it to that top-of-the-rollercoaster sensation in my belly, but instead of it being momentary it sort of triggers a cascade of full-body tension. It used to freak me out!
I've set up strong routines around air travel, including arriving to the airport very early so that I have at least an hour to chill out at the gate. I tend to do headphones-on meditations and walking meditations, the latter in which I spend maybe the last 15 minutes before boarding being very aware of my breathing, boily sensations, anxiety, and so on. The strange physical sensation doesn't go away, but I'm more saware of how it arrives, builds, peaks, ebbs, and goes away.
The Headspace app (that I use) does have a section for kids, and there are also all sorts of YouTube etc. resources for this kind of body-awareness practice for youngsters. I know this may seem like an out-there approach, but paying attention to a problem in a way that your daughter knows she's safe and knows what to expect from her own body is a good practice to include in whatever approach you take to situations like this. Good luck, and you both have my empathy!
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 4:20 AM on March 28, 2022 [5 favorites]
Seconded, and I travel via air for a living. I liken it to that top-of-the-rollercoaster sensation in my belly, but instead of it being momentary it sort of triggers a cascade of full-body tension. It used to freak me out!
I've set up strong routines around air travel, including arriving to the airport very early so that I have at least an hour to chill out at the gate. I tend to do headphones-on meditations and walking meditations, the latter in which I spend maybe the last 15 minutes before boarding being very aware of my breathing, boily sensations, anxiety, and so on. The strange physical sensation doesn't go away, but I'm more saware of how it arrives, builds, peaks, ebbs, and goes away.
The Headspace app (that I use) does have a section for kids, and there are also all sorts of YouTube etc. resources for this kind of body-awareness practice for youngsters. I know this may seem like an out-there approach, but paying attention to a problem in a way that your daughter knows she's safe and knows what to expect from her own body is a good practice to include in whatever approach you take to situations like this. Good luck, and you both have my empathy!
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 4:20 AM on March 28, 2022 [5 favorites]
One thing that helps me when my body tenses up is to make it *even more tense* and then relax. Something like "Plane's going up! Squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, squeeze aaaaand let go! Wriggle, wriggle, wriggle! Again!" would help me, an adult, so might also help a five year old.
posted by Adifferentbear at 4:43 AM on March 28, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by Adifferentbear at 4:43 AM on March 28, 2022 [4 favorites]
I am an adult who also doesn't like those sensations, and one thing that has helped me is going to a local playground for several days before a flight to go on the swings. I get on the swing and go as high as I can, which means I'm getting that "top of the roller coaster" feeling pretty strongly. Not sure if it's helping because I'm getting physically acclimated to the sensation, or if it's mental/emotional, but it does seem to help. I think of it as "falling practice" (which also includes that upward sensation, equally freaky) because I don't normally experience that sensation in my life.
posted by sockshaveholes at 5:14 AM on March 28, 2022 [11 favorites]
posted by sockshaveholes at 5:14 AM on March 28, 2022 [11 favorites]
My mother used to give me Dimetapp before a flight to help with congestion since I tended to get a lot of pain in my ears/sinuses with the pressure changes. I just remember thinking it tasted like the best candy ever.
I also find sometimes closing my eyes and imagining like I'm riding a bucking bronco when there's really bad turbulence, or with a little kid, I might even try a "Imagine you're riding a winged horse or a flying dragon" or something. This depends on whether your kid would find it exciting or terrifying to ride on Pegasus. I know this sounds kind of weird, but there's something about being able to change my perception from "I'm strapped into a metal cylinder hurtling through the air at terrifying speed" to "This is a fun adventure! Yay!" makes it easier.
posted by litera scripta manet at 5:33 AM on March 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
I also find sometimes closing my eyes and imagining like I'm riding a bucking bronco when there's really bad turbulence, or with a little kid, I might even try a "Imagine you're riding a winged horse or a flying dragon" or something. This depends on whether your kid would find it exciting or terrifying to ride on Pegasus. I know this sounds kind of weird, but there's something about being able to change my perception from "I'm strapped into a metal cylinder hurtling through the air at terrifying speed" to "This is a fun adventure! Yay!" makes it easier.
posted by litera scripta manet at 5:33 AM on March 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
Oh, one other thing that helps me: This may be more about my sensory processing issues, but I find I really need to feel "held in" on flights. Honestly a weighted blanket would probably be ideal, but for me, I tend to sit on my feet or hook them under the chair in front of me, and I wrap myself up in a blanket really tightly and sort of wedge my arms in with the arm rest. Or if I'm on the window seat, I sort of plaster myself leaning against the window and then wrap myself in a blanket. Maybe with a couple coats thrown on top of me.
I have no idea why this helps. I think it is just generally something I find comforting, but it also sort of counteracts that "OMG I'm suspended in mid air" or "WTF we're falling now we're going up, now we're falling" feeling.
posted by litera scripta manet at 5:37 AM on March 28, 2022 [2 favorites]
I have no idea why this helps. I think it is just generally something I find comforting, but it also sort of counteracts that "OMG I'm suspended in mid air" or "WTF we're falling now we're going up, now we're falling" feeling.
posted by litera scripta manet at 5:37 AM on March 28, 2022 [2 favorites]
Respect her wishes and make alternative arrangements.
posted by pompomtom at 5:48 AM on March 28, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by pompomtom at 5:48 AM on March 28, 2022 [2 favorites]
You've gotten lots of great advice on bodily sensations, so I'm going to suggest a toy airplane with removable people, maybe like this Duplo one. Sometimes play or making a big scary thing small can help a child deal with fears. Though I think you're right to take her complaints about her physical feelings seriously, there are probably other aspects that she may not be able to voice as clearly. Play can help with that. (I was an extremely anxious kid and remember my father yanking me out of the car when I was about that age - I just wasn't able to explain that I thought this smoke I saw in the distance was the Chicago fire and we were all going to die.)
My daughter was absolutely terrified of owls - like she would freak out if we were reading a book and she knew that there was a picture of an owl in it somewhere. What got her over it was seeing a burrowing owl at a zoo - it was small and cute, and she just wasn't afraid after that. Fear isn't always logical in adults or children - and even if you think you know where it's coming from, there might be other elements. Play can really help children work through things like that. A small toy airplane is something she can have complete control over. She can make the people scared or not scared.
posted by FencingGal at 6:00 AM on March 28, 2022 [8 favorites]
My daughter was absolutely terrified of owls - like she would freak out if we were reading a book and she knew that there was a picture of an owl in it somewhere. What got her over it was seeing a burrowing owl at a zoo - it was small and cute, and she just wasn't afraid after that. Fear isn't always logical in adults or children - and even if you think you know where it's coming from, there might be other elements. Play can really help children work through things like that. A small toy airplane is something she can have complete control over. She can make the people scared or not scared.
posted by FencingGal at 6:00 AM on March 28, 2022 [8 favorites]
As a small kid I used to get very sick-feeling on planes--it was worst during takeoff but would usually persist the whole flight--and that would make me panicky. (The thought of maybe being sick in public! How awful!)
On one particularly bad flight when I was about 6 or 7, we had to circle for what seemed like 400 years. A flight attendant could see that I was suffering and brought me a small bag of ice. She told me to put the ice alternately on the inside of one wrist and then the other, then on the back of my neck. Between the temperature and the little routine, it helped tremendously.
I did that on flights for years, until I was old enough to decide to medicate myself or just to get a bit loaded ;) In fact, I still do it when feeling especially lousy on a flight. Maybe get a little cold pack, or just be ready to ask a flight attendant for it.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 6:21 AM on March 28, 2022 [3 favorites]
On one particularly bad flight when I was about 6 or 7, we had to circle for what seemed like 400 years. A flight attendant could see that I was suffering and brought me a small bag of ice. She told me to put the ice alternately on the inside of one wrist and then the other, then on the back of my neck. Between the temperature and the little routine, it helped tremendously.
I did that on flights for years, until I was old enough to decide to medicate myself or just to get a bit loaded ;) In fact, I still do it when feeling especially lousy on a flight. Maybe get a little cold pack, or just be ready to ask a flight attendant for it.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 6:21 AM on March 28, 2022 [3 favorites]
Maybe worth practicing on some other loud, bumpy mode of transport? Subway, train, moving van, roller coaster? You could enlist her help in thinking of other things she could try that would make her more "used to" the feelings on the plane.
posted by Rock Steady at 6:43 AM on March 28, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by Rock Steady at 6:43 AM on March 28, 2022 [3 favorites]
Make it an adventure and involve her in planning. Don't stress safety; little kids have no reason to believe flying is any more scary or dangerous than any other activity (car travel is way more dangerous per mile). Test various flavors of chewing gum, shop for game and coloring books, and try to decide the best content to load on a tablet, and the best picture book to bring. Talk about how the air pressure changes and watch how birds soar happily. Duplo airplane is a good idea. Peppermint is said to soothe the stomach, and telling someone it does can also work when you give them a peppermint. The noise of planes can be difficult for children to manage, so good headphones are helpful.
Once on the plane, have a ready supply of small treats - new markers or crayons, a few at a time, a small lucky plushy, fidget toy, book, etc. Issue them about once an hour while she's awake. Novelty is distracting.
posted by theora55 at 10:07 AM on March 28, 2022 [3 favorites]
Once on the plane, have a ready supply of small treats - new markers or crayons, a few at a time, a small lucky plushy, fidget toy, book, etc. Issue them about once an hour while she's awake. Novelty is distracting.
posted by theora55 at 10:07 AM on March 28, 2022 [3 favorites]
Respect her wishes and make alternative arrangements.
Respectfully, helping children overcome fears with compassion and patience is a better path to follow than avoiding the hard thing. Many of the suggestions here are right on: help her cope with her fear of flying. Starting early, like you are, will really help her learn that she can overcome the hard stuff, and sets her up to tackle other difficult things as she grows up.
posted by sucre at 12:25 PM on March 28, 2022 [17 favorites]
Respectfully, helping children overcome fears with compassion and patience is a better path to follow than avoiding the hard thing. Many of the suggestions here are right on: help her cope with her fear of flying. Starting early, like you are, will really help her learn that she can overcome the hard stuff, and sets her up to tackle other difficult things as she grows up.
posted by sucre at 12:25 PM on March 28, 2022 [17 favorites]
One idea I'm working on with my son is to help build a set of skills.
He's usually unable or unwilling to tell me what's wrong, only that something is wrong.
So 'makes her body feel strange' is not so useful to you as you'd like.
We're talking (a little every day) about specific things like:
if you tummy feels like it does on the swings, you could...
if your muscles feel tight (like these ones right here!), you could...
if you feel a big squish like dad is sitting on you, you could...
we also talk about which feelings are just uncomfortable vs dangerous, and we practice mindfully noting that 'when we talk about things, they don't feel so scary'. We've been doing that for a while now, and whenever he starts to calm down I make sure that he notices that he's talking about it and now it's not as bad!
posted by Acari at 12:55 PM on March 28, 2022 [2 favorites]
He's usually unable or unwilling to tell me what's wrong, only that something is wrong.
So 'makes her body feel strange' is not so useful to you as you'd like.
We're talking (a little every day) about specific things like:
if you tummy feels like it does on the swings, you could...
if your muscles feel tight (like these ones right here!), you could...
if you feel a big squish like dad is sitting on you, you could...
we also talk about which feelings are just uncomfortable vs dangerous, and we practice mindfully noting that 'when we talk about things, they don't feel so scary'. We've been doing that for a while now, and whenever he starts to calm down I make sure that he notices that he's talking about it and now it's not as bad!
posted by Acari at 12:55 PM on March 28, 2022 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks for all these creative, supportive suggestions! We are trying a bunch of them - so far bus rides and high swings have been big hits. After the first bus ride was a success (and she was nervous!), she actually said to the driver as we got off "Thanks, I'm all grown up now!". We also got out some toy planes and I'm talking about mindful breathing and relaxation (not sure it's getting through, but will mention it again). Also got some antinausea meds in reserve. We're off next week and I'm feeling much better about it, thanks metafilter!
posted by abecedarium radiolarium at 6:28 AM on April 1, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by abecedarium radiolarium at 6:28 AM on April 1, 2022 [4 favorites]
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posted by Too-Ticky at 3:25 AM on March 28, 2022 [2 favorites]