Should I stay or should I go?

March 3, 2022 5:42 PM

I want to move but I'm worried about not being about being able to come back to my current town if things don't work out.

I live in a small college town with a couple of other small towns surrounding, and then not much for hundreds of miles. I moved here for college and there are many things that I love about it - the gorgeous nature surroundings (I'm 5 minutes from an old-growth forest and 15 minutes from the coast, everything looks like a postcard), the culture (hippy-vibes, kind, big music/art scene, everything feels creative and interesting, lots of local businesses and not many chains), lots to do (climbing gym, pottery, outdoor stuff), and I feel safe/cozy/settled here in a way that I didn't in the mid-size city I grew up in. There is also nowhere that feels quite like it.

That being said, I'm ready for a change. I was really depressed during most of my time here, have few ties here, especially since covid (no one I would consider a friend), and I don't love my housing situation (dirty + I don't think my roommates like me). I feel like moving would give me a little bit of a fresh start, new things to explore, and help me move beyond my current identity.

There is also a shortage of healthcare here, which hasn't mattered much to me since my health is good, but I'm interested in tackling my mental health and there aren't many resources for that. There are only 2 psychiatrists who take my insurance here and they have bad reviews and only 1 psychologist who has a 6+ month waitlist (I've tried working with two social workers but didn't find it to be helpful). My insurance covers many telehealth providers but many of them don't have good or any reviews and I don't feel like it's the same since they're lacking context for my life. I also don't have a dentist or doctor currently, and the waitlist for that would be 2-6 months for a doctor and 1+ years for a dentist (I see both occasionally in my hometown but have definitely missed cleanings/physicals).

There are also no work opportunities right now in my field, although something could come along (I had a job in my field and have seen probably 10 postings throughout the year for related jobs). I've been unemployed for 2 months after a job contract fell through.

Since I'm not thriving here, it seems obvious that I should move. I have a destination city in mind and I wouldn't mind moving around a bit until I decide where to settle permanently. But I'm worried about not being able to come back because there is a housing crisis here. It's been bad since I moved here, but my last move was especially stressful because my unstable landlord kicked us out with 1 month's notice. I almost had to quit my job and move home with my parent's but an old friend heard about what was happening and invited me to live in their spare room that they and their roommates had been using as an office. I know many people who have lived in their cars for months or couch surfed before finding a place. And the housing market for rooms has gone underground, since everyone knows someone who needs a room so finding a (decent) place on craigslist is not really an option. If I stayed, I could stay in my current house (roommates are graduating/moving out in the spring) or find a place with another friend who is moving back. I think I have a decent chance of finding a place if I look for the next 6 months.

Another factor is that the university here underwent a change that will be bringing in many more students in the coming year. Everything I have read predicts that the housing crisis is going to get exponentially worse and housing prices are already going up.

I would like a different perspective on this situation, perhaps through the lens of an abundance mindset. Any help is appreciated, thank you!

posted by fern to Grab Bag (15 answers total)

If you have no ties to the town but like aspects of it, I bet you can find other towns that have some of those qualities, and are friendlier for housing, jobs, and making friends.
posted by redlines at 6:01 PM on March 3, 2022 [23 favorites]

It sounds like the elements of abundance you’re looking for are elsewhere - like a city would have doctors/therapists to help you on your adventure to strengthen your mental health, job opportunities that could make you feel valued and give you the opportunity to make use of your skills, fun and diverse things to do, a wide variety of people to potentially room with and socialize with (with the benefit of many *other* folks with whom to connect, or your first roommates or social interactions turn out not to be right for you). And city parks to explore, plus fun weekend jaunts to out-of-city experiences with new friends who also love living in a city but making it out into nature.

If you’re up for adventuring a bit now to find a place where you thrive, perhaps you can think of sending emotional postcards to the part of you that will remain in the town you’re in now, a part of you that worries you will need to come back to this same place later (“I’m doing pretty good! I’m trying this and that new things in my new town - they remind me of things you love to do, and that means I think of you often, with love and fondness. xoxo”). If it becomes the right place for you again sometime in the future, you will figure it out - if it’s not the right place for you now, the world is full of opportunities for your joy and fulfillment in places you don’t even know yet.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 6:17 PM on March 3, 2022

If the housing market gets as impacted as you expect, the rent hikes may force you to move out anyway. A massive influx of new people is also going to affect the town’s culture, perhaps not in a way that you’ll like.

While the physical location will stay the same, the city as you know it is going away. You can stay and watch it happen or you can move on.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:02 PM on March 3, 2022 [9 favorites]

There is also nowhere that feels quite like it.

Without denying that lots of places have a unique vibe, I feel like you might be . . . sort of romanticizing this town and viewing it as the kind of place you wish it was rather than the kind of place it is for you right now.

You have no job (and it seems like little prospect of one?), no physical or mental health care, no friends or support network, and an unpleasant and unstable housing situation. You are not thriving.

Why are you so concerned about not being able to move back in some theoretical future? If you move away and find friends and health care and a job and happiness, those things (except maybe the internal happiness and confidence you may develop in other places) won't move back with you. You'll be back in this small college town with a vibe you like but not much else. However much you may want this particular town to be the place you can thrive, it sure sounds like this place doesn't have the resources you need in order to thrive.

And seconding redlines, I think other places will have many of the things you love about your current town - right now you're maybe a little too stuck to see that.

I mean - "the gorgeous nature surroundings (I'm 5 minutes from an old-growth forest and 15 minutes from the coast, everything looks like a postcard), the culture (hippy-vibes, kind, big music/art scene, everything feels creative and interesting, lots of local businesses and not many chains), lots to do (climbing gym, pottery, outdoor stuff)". Just off the top of my head, just a short drive from where I am in Ohio, that describes Oberlin, Kent, and maybe Wooster to a tee. Except for the "15 minutes to the coast" thing - more like 30 or 40 minutes to the shore of Lake Erie - and I'm not 100% about "old-growth" forest, although there's lots of beautiful parks and nature preserves all over northern Ohio. And on top of that you'd be an hour or less from major cities, with all the additional arts & culture & etc. those offer. And that's just in my little corner of the world. There are TONS of small college liberal artsy towns across the US.

It's probably worth thinking about why you feel safe, cozy, and settled, when as far as I can tell you are not really any of those things, through no fault of your own.

come back to my current town if things don't work out.

Seriously, things aren't working out for you right there right now. Why would it be the place you come back to if things don't work out in another town? What would be different about your current town 6 months or a year or two years from now? A place that isn't right for you shouldn't be your backup safety plan. People don't keep the house that was blown down by a tornado just in case their new house gets hit by an earthquake.

You have every reason to leave and find a place that has the resources that will allow you to grow and thrive. That you might wind up priced out of the housing market IF you move back is . . . not a realistic practical concern.

Go. Find a place that lets you & helps you become the you you want to be. Worry about the housing market of current town when - IF - you actually have a compelling reason to move back.
posted by soundguy99 at 7:06 PM on March 3, 2022 [23 favorites]

Change can be hard (and scary). However, it seems that your current location no longer meets your needs. The more you take care of your health and your finances, the more options future you will have.

And remember, once you live some place... it's one less place to visit.
posted by oceano at 7:16 PM on March 3, 2022 [1 favorite]

I left the city I moved to for college two years after graduation, despite having a deep network and affection for the place. I was really scared when I made the decision. It turned out to be the best thing I've done as an adult: it opened my world up and gave me a lot of different experiences, and I'm immeasurably happier for it. I'm paid significantly more than I could have ever achieved in the field I originally thought I wanted to be in and now I live in San Francisco, a place I never expected that I'd even want to live when I was out East. And, returning to that city, I'm amazed by how it's changed but I don't get the feeling I'd want to live there again. It's funny how that works out.

There are housing crises everywhere. Don't let that be the make-or-break for you. You'll find it pretty much anywhere that's attractive to live. So go for another place that you want to try out, one that lets you have the opportunities for your profession. Give it a go. You can always go back.

You're young and there are a lot of opportunities to do different things. Embrace that.
posted by kdar at 7:42 PM on March 3, 2022 [1 favorite]

Go ahead and do a national search for jobs in your field/ your dream job.

You just might find a location that you're excited about, and hopefully that job pays at least a living wage for the new location.

Be enthusiastic and upfront that you're more than willing to relocate (and are excited about the new location).

If you're willing to share what field you want to be in, maybe we can help you brainstorm/ help make introductions.
posted by porpoise at 8:55 PM on March 3, 2022 [2 favorites]

We all make mistakes, but it's been my experience that people regret the things they didn't do far more than the things that they did. Be bold!
posted by kate4914 at 9:07 PM on March 3, 2022 [3 favorites]

There are more places to live than your current location and your target city! If it doesn't work out there, you can move somewhere else.
posted by penguin pie at 3:57 AM on March 4, 2022

It seems like just living in this town *at all* is pretty difficult - I'm not clear on how coming back would be all that much harder. If this was like, "I'm afraid to give up my job and sell my house in this town," that would be one thing but it sounds like the only thing that would make it harder to come back would be that you might lose touch with the underground room market - and if you stay in touch with your friends and neighbors (even just as social media friends) you can probably get back in on that pretty easily. (Like, I used to live in a college town with a similar kind of system and when I had an extra room a coworker of mine knew someone who was moving back to town and needed a room and tada, roommates.)

From here it looks like you have so much to gain by moving away: healthcare, work/money, potential for community, a less-precarious housing situation. I think you can find that "cozy" feeling a lot of places. On a psychological note: we, as humans, tend to be really loss-averse, and we hate the idea of losing something that we currently have, even if it's preventing us from getting something much much better. This is a really natural impulse but it's often counterproductive.

I do get it, though - I'm very slowly getting ready to move out of my home, which I love but which is not suited to my current lifestyle (too big, too high-maintenance). I know that there are better places for me to live but I am so very aware of the many things I'll miss about this house/neighborhood/town (and I see them every day! I don't see the cool stuff I'll be able to do in New Place every day).
posted by mskyle at 4:40 AM on March 4, 2022 [3 favorites]

You're going to move away to a new place with better opportunities, make friends, get a good job, get in a better place with your mental health, and start succeeding. In a few years, you and a few of your new friends can rent an RV and go on a little road trip, during which you can visit your old town and see if it's even a place you'd want to be anymore, housing crisis be damned. This is a non issue.
posted by phunniemee at 5:02 AM on March 4, 2022

I echo everyone else. Try a new place. There are many. South Dakota has some some beautiful spots. So does Arkansas. There are nice places where you might least expect them. If your destination city doesn’t work out, I am sure, actually sure, that there is another place you can try. You know what’s nice? St Johnsbury, Vermont. I spent a weekend there once by accident. I still think of it from time to time. I never would have guessed. You should move.
posted by kerf at 6:36 AM on March 4, 2022 [2 favorites]

I can see from one of your earlier posts you are just out of college. For the love of god, go. Now is the time. Move to a new city, preferably a big one where there are waves of new transplants your age moving into town any given month and looking to meet other people. Live with new roommates, meet new people, get a new job, expand your life. I did this when I was about 24 - like you, really apprehensive about leaving my home city for a new one - but a job offer forced my hand, so I did it. It was one of the best decisions I ever made, zero regrets.
posted by windbox at 7:04 AM on March 4, 2022 [6 favorites]

I am almost always #TeamMove, and at your age, hell yes you should strike out. BUT. Be aware that with healthcare (especially mental healthcare), there are long waits and shortages all over the country ... and housing costs are skyrocketing everywhere, too. So yes, you should make yourself thrive. Although with the roomies moving out in 6 months, your home could be clean and maybe filled with people you chose? I guess what I'm saying is, recognize that there are going to be challenges everywhere, and don't let rose-colored glasses keep you from thriving in that next challeging place. But you're young! Go! And good luck.
posted by cyndigo at 8:23 AM on March 4, 2022

There is also nowhere that feels quite like it.

Some towns end up being like "one-that-got-away" exes. You aren't happy there, you move away, it's the right thing to do — and even still, you find yourself sad that you'll never meet another partner town quite like them. That's okay. It doesn't mean you messed up. It just means that grief and nostalgia are real and powerful feelings that everyone has.

(Also: a partner town that is fascinating and attractive but treats you badly and makes you live in shitty conditions is not a good partner town.)
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:46 PM on March 4, 2022 [3 favorites]