Opening Gifts After Prolonged Family Feud
March 2, 2022 11:57 AM   Subscribe

Over the course of a several year-long (5?) family feud, I did not feel comfortable opening birthday/ Xmas gifts from certain family members - so I put them all in a storage container in my basement. The feud has now largely subsided, and so I have this container of gifts, and I am confused: part of me wants to open them, part of me not, part me only the obvious Amazon Gift Cards. This is a very weird situation about which I have no data: has anyone else been in this position?

Additional note: if I do open them, do I thank people for them? It's kind of weird to say, "hey BTW - I never opened your gifts for the past 5 years but instead put them in a storage container and then today I opened them all in one go: thanks!" (I can definitely think of family members who would be offended by this.)
posted by my log does not judge to Grab Bag (16 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
Do your family members have a habit of passive aggressive gifting? I've certainly received gifts that made me feel worse knowing what they are, curiosity be damned.

Take the cash/equivalents if you want, drive the rest to a thrift store unopened, wash your hands of this and move forward fresh and unburdened.
posted by phunniemee at 12:04 PM on March 2, 2022 [6 favorites]


Open them or don't, it's up to you. Personally, I see no reason not to open them and enjoy what you like/donate what you don't. Don't say anything to your fam. This is likely not on their radar at all, especially if they haven't mentioned it.
posted by amycup at 12:04 PM on March 2, 2022 [42 favorites]


I'd open them out of morbid curiousity if nothing else. Do you have a friend who could come over with wine or something festive and make a little evening of it? Then if some of the gifts are passive agressive or weird or awful, you won't be alone to get into your feelings, your friend can help reframe in the moment and make it a good but weird evening instead of an awful one? That would be my approach.

As far as thanking people, if you are now speaking to the gifters, just mention in passing how much you love one of the gifts and don't mention anything about the timeline/when you opened it. "it was so cold here on Thursday, I was snuggled under the blanket you gave me for *event*, it made me feel so warm!" for example.
posted by Sweetchrysanthemum at 12:14 PM on March 2, 2022 [23 favorites]


Open, no thank yous, donate what you don't like. Otherwise you are just storing garbage.

Or ask yourself this: What would be the event that would make you open them with joy or finally just throw them away/donate?
posted by The_Vegetables at 12:18 PM on March 2, 2022 [7 favorites]


If it was me, I’d think, This is just Stuff I have to deal with — packaging and wrapping in addition to the actual gift — and I hate dealing with Stuff. I’d happily drop it off at a thrift store and feel better afterward.
posted by acantha at 12:26 PM on March 2, 2022


I agree that it would be very weird to say "I never opened your gifts for the past five years," but it would be much less weird to say "I feel really bad that I never got around to writing you thank-you notes for all your kind gifts over the years! Thank you for the X, Y, and Z."

I agree that it is fine to not open them. But if you do want to open them - and they aren't weird passive-aggressive gifts - and you want to say thank you - that is one way to go.
posted by Jeanne at 12:38 PM on March 2, 2022 [22 favorites]


If possible, ask a friend to come over and hang out with you to help de-toxify this task. Have a bag handy for the tsuff being donated, get it out of the house promptly, then do something nice with the gift cards.

Full disclosure: I left a gift unopened for a month recently. It was a nice pair of socks and I wear them and don't even think about the bad behavior of the giver. They're just socks.
posted by theora55 at 12:48 PM on March 2, 2022 [6 favorites]


If you were getting gifts from them during this 5-year feud, I can't imagine these gifts have any thought or meaning behind them -- they were courtesy gifts because that's what people do out of a twisted sense of social obligation and norms.

Take the money and run. Make a guessing game of it and laugh at it all, donate what you don't want.
posted by archimago at 12:54 PM on March 2, 2022


If you do decide to donate items, please scrutinize them the same way you would any other donation for holes, mold, etc. Some items may not have held up over 5 yrs in storage.
posted by beaning at 12:58 PM on March 2, 2022 [2 favorites]


When I read your post I thought of what these gifts mean differently: At the time it was difficult for you to open this present from some relative, but though you two weren't getting along, the relative still got you this nice gift. My first reaction wouldn't be to think they are "just" courtesy gifts (and anyway, courtesy is still something). In fact, you could even tell that to the relative in a way that might help the feud subside yet further: A belated thanks for this present, which at the time I wasn't able to deal with opening. Looking back, I appreciate that even during those difficult times for us, you were thoughtful enough to get me this nice present.
Of course, this is just speculation and I know nothing about you or your family. But I would definitely open them!
posted by melamakarona at 1:04 PM on March 2, 2022 [6 favorites]


This is a product of my narrative driven mind, but I would wonder i there was a note hidden away, or a gift even that would re-contextualize the people in the feud. I know that in real life that Scrooges rarely actually change, but that's where my mind went, to a potentially hopefully idea.
posted by miles1972 at 2:39 PM on March 2, 2022 [2 favorites]


I can't think of a reason, beyond being weirdly passive-aggressive yourself, not to open them and it's too late now to return them. If you don't want to keep the gifts, that's perfectly legitimate and there are plenty of people who could use whatever they may be. So, open them and donate anything you don't want.

As miles1972 says, there may be something in those gifts that makes you re-consider the whole feud situation. At the least, them sending you gifts suggests they were thinking of you in some way not absolutely negative. Opening them may give you some form of closure over the now-finished feud as well.
posted by dg at 2:53 PM on March 2, 2022 [3 favorites]


Agree with miles1972.

Anyway, how can you not be mad to find out what's in there? It is highly likely to be the usual boring and disappointing stuff we're all familiar with, but... what if you find something amazing or heartwrenching?

Here's what I'd do:
Invite a friend over and have plenty of helpful beverages and snacks. Light some candles, put on some tunes and open the stuff, then go out dancing or picnicking, as appropriate. Later, alone and in silence, go through the items again slowly, giving yourself time to ruminate. Read Bartleby the Scrivener deep into the night. Surrender to the cathartic sobs. Awake refreshed in the morning and throw everything at the thrift store. Nobody needs any acknowledgment at this point, except in the extremely unlikely event that you actually found something evoking true pathos lurking among the regifts, scented candles, books you already read or will never read, and wrong-size/wrong-style L.L.Beane-wear.
posted by Don Pepino at 4:06 PM on March 2, 2022 [1 favorite]


If you have a friend that you trust, maybe you could get them to open them and describe the contents? Having a level of detachment would likely help avoid strong feelings, and having a friend help you with this would mean you have some level of support going in.
posted by Aleyn at 4:59 PM on March 2, 2022


Four boxes -- Keep, Throw Away (for anything expired, damaged or weird), Sell or Give Away, and Sentimental Value.
You may unpack your grandmother's photo album, or expensive vintage jewelry, or some bizarre but funny gag gift. But do check the contents before passing it on to unsuspecting strangers.

No, you do not need to stir up memories of a feud. I doubt if it is on anyone's radar that you didn't respond to several years of obligatory presents.
There may be a family member who cannot abide this sort of drama, or does not want to model this behavior for their children, and sent the gifts anyway. Someone may be taking the high road. Therefore, revealing that this person is not "loyal" to bickering is not helpful.
You may find a friend in those boxes. Good luck.
posted by TrishaU at 5:07 PM on March 2, 2022 [3 favorites]


"At the least, them sending you gifts suggests they were thinking of you in some way not absolutely negative. "

Oh heck no.

There's this thing called "love bombing", and it's something that abusers do to try to pull you back into the fold.

If there is ANY dynamic like there at all - I bet there is - next time (cuz of course there will be if you attempt to hold any boundaries), just return those gifts to sender as soon as they arrive, or don't even acknowledge that they did, and deal with them ASAP.

Get them out of your basement. If there's anything you want, keep it and consider it justified payment for the way they treated you. Anything you don't want, or that ends up making you feel bad, sell or re-gift or donate. Get the infection out of your basement. If at some point they ask about items, feel free to respond in ways like this:
- For gift cards: Tell them you used it on something basic, like groceries; on something they wouldn't approve of; or it wasn't for a place you patronize, so you gave away/sold the gift card.
- For sentimental items: Acknowledge you kept them, or state they weren't important and discarded them/ passed them on to another person who would appreciate them/ stored them for children/ a relative.
- For anything else, especially expensive things: it's perfectly ok to state it wasn't to your liking and you passed it on to someone who would appreciate it more.

And remember - gifts are GIFTS. As soon as they're gifted, they become YOUR property, and you're allowed to use them as you wish. The person giving does NOT get to ask for the item back, decide how you use it, or expect anything for it, including compliance with their demands. That's why it's a GIFT and not a loan or a payment.

Way too many of the responses above don't even bring into the equation the possibility (probability, imo) of toxic relationships. Therefore, for anyone whose situation even somewhat approaches a toxic or abusive dynamic, the advice ranges between poor and outright awful.

Your responsibility is to yourself, and then your children and/or partner if they exist.
Remember that. Your wellbeing matters.
posted by stormyteal at 9:01 AM on March 3, 2022 [1 favorite]


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