How should my wife and I structure California parental leave?

February 13, 2022 7:13 PM

Newly expecting parents here, eager for advice. My wife and I are state workers in California, with (if all goes well) a baby due in October. We are both eligible, we think, for FMLA/CFRA leave. I have 5ish months of vacation +sick leave saved up; her job is newer so she has less paid leave time available. Substantial savings, so we can afford to not work for a while, though rent+ child care costs mean a while does not equal forever. What tips can mefite California (Bay Area, ideally) parents offer on good ways to structure our leaves? How long can we stretch them out for? Should we stagger our time? Any leave tips? What about the transition to childcare? Thanks!
posted by SandCounty to Human Relations (10 answers total)

There are real advantages to trading off. My husband and I each had six weeks. I took the first 6, he took the second. We both were equal “baby experts” by the time our son transitioned to care with a nanny who lived with us, and that equal experience, bond, and knowledge was essential as a foundation for our marriage and our parenting for at least the next decade.

If I could do it again, I’d do it the exact same way, except make it 6 months, not 6 weeks.
posted by shadygrove at 7:47 PM on February 13, 2022 [3 favorites]

+1 to trading off. We're in tech, so we each were fortunate to have ~5 months. We overlapped for a month at the start, which was useful because I was recovering from giving both and would have had a hard time taking care of a baby solo. Then I was in leave for 4 months, we overlapped for a week, and my husband was on leave for 4 months.

His bond with our daughter grew a ton due to being her sole caretaker, and this was despite doing more than half the work evenings/weekends when I was on leave. It's just a vast increase in the amount of time spent together.

The other thing I didn't realize before having a child is, babies grow so fast that even a few weeks makes a big difference, in terms of when to start daycare/nanny. So staggering was helpful there too
posted by matildatakesovertheworld at 8:05 PM on February 13, 2022 [1 favorite]

I'd start with the first two weeks off for both of you, then stagger.
posted by Toddles at 3:08 AM on February 14, 2022 [2 favorites]

Staggering is great but it is also valuable to have all hands on deck for the first few weeks. Nobody will be getting very much sleep, and the person who has just given birth might be in pretty rough shape. The severity varies wildly: with my first it was many weeks before I was physically ready to care for the baby solo, with my second it was only a few days. Planning for 2-3 weeks might be a good happy medium.

Get on childcare wait-lists now, it's truly wacky out there.
posted by february at 3:10 AM on February 14, 2022 [3 favorites]

I was coming in to say the same thing that Toddles and february said: make sure at least the first two weeks you're both together. Those weeks can be SO hard, and having the ability to swap out/back each other up will be invaluable. Then I'd loosely plan to stagger, as others have mentioned, with the understanding that you may just need to double up for as long as you can because every baby is different. Maybe yours will be one of those absolute angels that starts sleeping through the night at 2 months. Or maybe it'll be like our oldest and won't sleep through the night for the first time until 23 months, and every day will feel like an all-hands-on-deck emergency because of how fried you both are. Are you going to be able to rely on any other family/friend help for things like food and laundry?

Another point of advice I'd give is: don't listen to anybody's advice. Nobody has ever had your baby in your apartment within your relationship and your families and so at the end of the day it's all just anecdata. As helpful as some advice can be, it can also be poisonous in the way that it molds your expectations and sets you up to feel like you're desperately failing because things aren't going as well for you in whatever way. None of us have any idea what the hell we're doing, and that's okay! Having a new baby at home is one of the absolute most magical, bizarre times you'll ever experience.* Good luck!!!!


* Or maybe it won't be for you, again, I have no idea what I'm doing/talking about!
posted by saladin at 6:12 AM on February 14, 2022 [5 favorites]

Agree with others that it’s great to overlap the first 2-3 weeks and then stagger. Easy enough for your wife to do all of her leave and then you do all yours - but there’s a variety of other ways to split it up depending on what works for you both, your children, and your work. I found it helpful to build a spreadsheet with the various options. We ended up also both doing some part time where we were trading off (e.g. I went back to work 1 day a week at first, while my husband took that day off, which worked for me as a way to ease in). and then I took my final few weeks of leave after my husband had finished his so I had a chance to spend time with our twins at an older age.
posted by purplevelvet at 7:38 AM on February 14, 2022

Any leave tips?

Do not plan to start your novel / create a garden / whatever else during this time. If you can, great! If not, great! The one exception I would make to this rule is that it is helpful to try to meet other parents with babies at similar ages during this time to start to tap into the parent network (although your daycare fellow-parents can become this too.)

What about the transition to childcare?

I made the mistake of starting childcare the same day I started a new job. Do not do this! I made it through okay but it was soooo stressful. If you can, start daycare a week before you go back. You can pick your child up early for more time, but you can also sleep/get your hair done/fix the car whatever.
posted by warriorqueen at 11:51 AM on February 14, 2022 [1 favorite]

Since you say you do have some flexibility in the budget, can you consider hiring a postpartum doula? I know a lot of friends who had this help and they SWEAR it was the best money they spent. In SF doulas apparently cost about $80 an hour, but postpartum doulas are less expensive; one Bay Area friend who gave birth in early 2020 paid $1500 for a postpartum doula to visit 3 hours/day every day during the first week after birth and twice more for 2 hours each in the second week.

The doula helped the new parents to learn bathing, breastfeeding, burping, etc., she helped with light housekeeping tasks, and she also taught them baby massage and gave postpartum massages to mom. But what they appreciated most was she helped mom rest. Even though mom did feel able to walk around after a couple of days, the doula emphasized the need for mom to convalesce. (This is something I REALLY could have used when I gave birth, the temptation to just get up and get going is immense and it causes insidious damage to postpartum bodies.)

In general, I would advise that you prioritize spending money on getting help from other people for yourselves - doula, cleaner/housekeeper, pinch-hit nanny, therapy, etc. It might even be better to go back to work a couple of weeks early if it means you can afford the services that will help keep both of you sane and supported during the overwhelming event that having your first baby is.
posted by MiraK at 1:42 PM on February 14, 2022 [2 favorites]

My husband and I both staggered our leaves for our second and third kids. The first week or so off together and then I was off for 12 weeks and rhe. He took 12 weeks. It was great..except. 6 months was a really hard time developmentally for the babies to move to childcare. I think earlier would’ve been easier-and maybe even later. 6 months is lots of attachment/stranger anxiety and both those kids were needy terrors at childcare until they were one.
posted by purenitrous at 7:22 PM on February 14, 2022

I know someone who did this - Mum did 3 months (bar the first 2 weeks when they were both off), they had 3 months off together, then Dad had 3 months. In the overlapping period they went on an amazing caravaning holiday together.
posted by peanut butter milkshake at 12:11 PM on February 15, 2022