Upping my kindness game while immunocompromised
January 1, 2022 9:26 AM Subscribe
Partly thanks to the recent MetaTalk thread, I've been thinking a lot about small acts of kindness I've received that have meant so much to me. I'd like to up my kindness game, but I'm on active chemotherapy and thus hard lockdown. Donating to charity is cool, and I do that, but I'm thinking more of reaching out to individuals, just ways to bring a smile to someone's face or make a hard time better. A few additional thoughts inside.
I've noticed that some people I know seem to be always finding a way to help those around them, and I've been the beneficiary of this a lot. Like if I mention that I'm trying to do something, I might get a response of "I can just drive over to your house and take care of it." I asked about trying to get an alternative to a planner I love that is no longer available in the US, and a MeFite literally wrote and volunteered to mail me one from the UK. When I asked a question because my washing machine died early in the pandemic, another MeFite offered to do my laundry. If you are one of these wonderful people spreading happiness in the world, did that come naturally to you? Is there anything better than "just do it" for becoming someone who immediately goes to "what can I do?"
I think part of the problem for me is a worry that I'm interfering. I've occasionally written notes to MeFites having a hard time, but I end up thinking does this person really want to hear from a random stranger? I've thought of bringing something for the nurses in the chemo center, but I don't know if they can accept presents or what would be appropriate - plus they change constantly.
I currently write letters to shut ins through a program at my church. I wasn't sure people would really want to get letters from a stranger, but they had to sign up for it, and I've received some appreciative replies. I don't feel safe going anywhere to mail things or buy things or help people in person. I am not physically strong, and I lose six days a month to chemo side effects (which is really messing up my house cleaning). I sent a few people who weren't expecting it Amazon gift cards - they were young relatives, but with older people, I'd worry that I'd make them feel obligated to do something for me. I'm financially stable, so I can put at least some money into this.
I've noticed that some people I know seem to be always finding a way to help those around them, and I've been the beneficiary of this a lot. Like if I mention that I'm trying to do something, I might get a response of "I can just drive over to your house and take care of it." I asked about trying to get an alternative to a planner I love that is no longer available in the US, and a MeFite literally wrote and volunteered to mail me one from the UK. When I asked a question because my washing machine died early in the pandemic, another MeFite offered to do my laundry. If you are one of these wonderful people spreading happiness in the world, did that come naturally to you? Is there anything better than "just do it" for becoming someone who immediately goes to "what can I do?"
I think part of the problem for me is a worry that I'm interfering. I've occasionally written notes to MeFites having a hard time, but I end up thinking does this person really want to hear from a random stranger? I've thought of bringing something for the nurses in the chemo center, but I don't know if they can accept presents or what would be appropriate - plus they change constantly.
I currently write letters to shut ins through a program at my church. I wasn't sure people would really want to get letters from a stranger, but they had to sign up for it, and I've received some appreciative replies. I don't feel safe going anywhere to mail things or buy things or help people in person. I am not physically strong, and I lose six days a month to chemo side effects (which is really messing up my house cleaning). I sent a few people who weren't expecting it Amazon gift cards - they were young relatives, but with older people, I'd worry that I'd make them feel obligated to do something for me. I'm financially stable, so I can put at least some money into this.
Google/Amazon reviews. Speaking as an author, I know those help me a lot (er, assuming they’re positive.) I don’t love Amazon, but positive reviews there do help sales. And I go out of my way to leave Google reviews for places I really appreciate around me, small businesses all.
Edited to add: It sounds like you’re doing a great job already.
posted by fruitslinger at 10:11 AM on January 1, 2022 [4 favorites]
Edited to add: It sounds like you’re doing a great job already.
posted by fruitslinger at 10:11 AM on January 1, 2022 [4 favorites]
I agree that it's okay if you just receive kindnesses! :) But something I do that seems a good fit for your parameters is that I have some Reddit logins I think of as "being nice to X" accounts. I don't always have the capacity to keep up on them, but occasionally I'll sign in and spend some time (minutes, days, weeks, whatever) helping folks with questions/dilemmas that are mostly just in need of a mature and compassionate reply, and/or some basic research/summarizing skills. Being the Amazon card fairy would also be a lovely contribution in many cases!
I keep the accounts separate so that I don't have to do anything complicated to see the relevant communities, and so nobody in one place gets mad at me and goes after a completely unrelated group. (Which, sigh, there are apparently designated days for deliberately trying to do.) And these are general-purpose forums, not ones specifically for asking for help, which I find keeps things relatively light and moving along without anyone expecting me to be their everything. My current focus is trans and/or non-binary folks, especially kids, but really you could find just about any group you feel drawn towards.
posted by teremala at 10:16 AM on January 1, 2022 [6 favorites]
I keep the accounts separate so that I don't have to do anything complicated to see the relevant communities, and so nobody in one place gets mad at me and goes after a completely unrelated group. (Which, sigh, there are apparently designated days for deliberately trying to do.) And these are general-purpose forums, not ones specifically for asking for help, which I find keeps things relatively light and moving along without anyone expecting me to be their everything. My current focus is trans and/or non-binary folks, especially kids, but really you could find just about any group you feel drawn towards.
posted by teremala at 10:16 AM on January 1, 2022 [6 favorites]
It is great that you are thinking about this given your own struggles. I agree with the note above that just relaxing and letting others care for you on this time can be a powerful act of kindness in itself.
Another thing I like to do is leave good reviews, especially on creative projects like books, podcasts, YouTube videos etc.. Every creator I know says they get a huge boost from even a simple comment, and your reviews can help point others to great work they might enjoy. I also like to leave positive but informative reviews on products or businesses (e.g. “these shoes are great but much wider than average, if you usually go up a size you don’t need to do that here” since I find that kind of thing so helpful myself.
Personally, I rarely post anything that is uniformly negative, mainly because so many other people focus on or post only that, and I figure the point will be made elsewhere .
On preview, what fruitslinger said much more succinctly.
posted by rpfields at 10:16 AM on January 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
Another thing I like to do is leave good reviews, especially on creative projects like books, podcasts, YouTube videos etc.. Every creator I know says they get a huge boost from even a simple comment, and your reviews can help point others to great work they might enjoy. I also like to leave positive but informative reviews on products or businesses (e.g. “these shoes are great but much wider than average, if you usually go up a size you don’t need to do that here” since I find that kind of thing so helpful myself.
Personally, I rarely post anything that is uniformly negative, mainly because so many other people focus on or post only that, and I figure the point will be made elsewhere .
On preview, what fruitslinger said much more succinctly.
posted by rpfields at 10:16 AM on January 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
Remember events that are important to people. Ask about the job interview they they said was coming up a few weeks ago. Send a text or call someone on the anniversary of their loved one's death/birthday. See if there's any news about a real estate closing. Calendars can help with lots of this stuff... I certainly don't rely on my own memory, but I care enough to enter a reminder.
posted by kate4914 at 10:42 AM on January 1, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by kate4914 at 10:42 AM on January 1, 2022 [5 favorites]
I think it's great that you're thinking of this while you're dealing with such an intense health issue, and it's fine if you're not up for doing much just yet - no one is going to judge you adversely, except possibly yourself. If you're into writing letters, there are a lot of programs that will set you up with incarcerated people who would absolutely love to get one.
posted by bile and syntax at 11:00 AM on January 1, 2022
posted by bile and syntax at 11:00 AM on January 1, 2022
I am pretty active on Facebook, and I see people posting or sharing GoFundMe's pretty regularly, for things such as medical expenses, funeral costs, living expenses while going through a hard time, etc. I try to contribute to those when I can, especially when it is someone I know. Not only do they benefit from the money but I think there is a lot of psychological benefit to seeing that a number of people care enough about them to contribute and wish them well.
People also post charity fundraisers on Facebook for their birthday and those don't always get a lot of attention so I often contribute a bit to those when I see them. It makes the person posting the fundraiser feel good as well as helping out their cause. And of course wish people happy birthday on their timeline. It seems like a small, insignificant thing but it does feel good to have a bunch of friends and acquaintances take a second to acknowledge your day and wish you well. It's especially nice if you personalize it, but even just a plain "happy birthday" with a smiley face or something is nice.
Liking and commenting on people's posts on social media is another thing that might sound insignificant, but I can assure you as someone who posts regularly on Facebook how disappointing it is when you don't get much of a response. Laugh at their memes, compliment their photos, give a "hug" emoji when someone is feeling down. Lots of people disparage social media for whatever reasons, but to the people who like and use it, it is a way of connecting with others and getting a response is meaningful. (And of course likes on Metafilter are generally appreciated by the recipient.)
For your nurses, I've never known a workplace to be unappreciative of donuts. If you have DoorDash or Uber Eats or something similar in your area, you may be able to order them online from Dunkin or a local bakery and have them sent to the center. Not sure if you can include a message that it's from you... although DoorDash does have a feature "send as a gift" so probably if you select that you can let them know who it is from. Or send in a catered lunch. Don't make it so fancy that those who are not on shift that day will feel left out, but a lunch of deli sandwiches, chips and cookies will be appreciated and enjoyed.
One more idea: giving money to charitable causes is of course a great thing to do, but if you want to do something that feels more personal, consider donating items to a charity that has a wish list. For example, Chicago Books to Women in Prison has a wishlist of things that women have specifically asked for, that you can purchase for them. It feels more personal when you can imagine a specific person receiving your gift and their day being brightened.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 11:56 AM on January 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
People also post charity fundraisers on Facebook for their birthday and those don't always get a lot of attention so I often contribute a bit to those when I see them. It makes the person posting the fundraiser feel good as well as helping out their cause. And of course wish people happy birthday on their timeline. It seems like a small, insignificant thing but it does feel good to have a bunch of friends and acquaintances take a second to acknowledge your day and wish you well. It's especially nice if you personalize it, but even just a plain "happy birthday" with a smiley face or something is nice.
Liking and commenting on people's posts on social media is another thing that might sound insignificant, but I can assure you as someone who posts regularly on Facebook how disappointing it is when you don't get much of a response. Laugh at their memes, compliment their photos, give a "hug" emoji when someone is feeling down. Lots of people disparage social media for whatever reasons, but to the people who like and use it, it is a way of connecting with others and getting a response is meaningful. (And of course likes on Metafilter are generally appreciated by the recipient.)
For your nurses, I've never known a workplace to be unappreciative of donuts. If you have DoorDash or Uber Eats or something similar in your area, you may be able to order them online from Dunkin or a local bakery and have them sent to the center. Not sure if you can include a message that it's from you... although DoorDash does have a feature "send as a gift" so probably if you select that you can let them know who it is from. Or send in a catered lunch. Don't make it so fancy that those who are not on shift that day will feel left out, but a lunch of deli sandwiches, chips and cookies will be appreciated and enjoyed.
One more idea: giving money to charitable causes is of course a great thing to do, but if you want to do something that feels more personal, consider donating items to a charity that has a wish list. For example, Chicago Books to Women in Prison has a wishlist of things that women have specifically asked for, that you can purchase for them. It feels more personal when you can imagine a specific person receiving your gift and their day being brightened.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 11:56 AM on January 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
If you are one of these wonderful people spreading happiness in the world, did that come naturally to you? Is there anything better than "just do it" for becoming someone who immediately goes to "what can I do?"
I wanted to respond to this question in your post. I have spent a lot of time trying to help others. I think "Acts of Service" is one of my love languages. I brings me great joy if I can do something to help someone (most of the time). I always remember being this way. It's a complicated thing, because, at times, I give too much and it impacts me or others in my life. I am trying to work on setting better boundaries to prevent this.
Sometimes I worry about interfering or being a bother. I try to not do things unless I'm asked. As I do something, rather than worrying about interfering, I think about how I would feel as the recipient. Letters are fun to receive and it would brighten my day - even a letter from a stranger. I colored bookmarks that will go into a STEM kit for kids in foster care, and I know that as a kid, it would be so wonderful to get something handmade during a tough time. This was through Together We Rise
There's more I want to do, but I have so little time. I remind myself that in this season of life, what I can do is limited. A few years down the line, I know I might have more bandwidth to do more. Consider this for yourself. As others have said, it's ok to receive right now. I admire that you are looking to do more.
posted by skunk pig at 1:09 PM on January 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
I wanted to respond to this question in your post. I have spent a lot of time trying to help others. I think "Acts of Service" is one of my love languages. I brings me great joy if I can do something to help someone (most of the time). I always remember being this way. It's a complicated thing, because, at times, I give too much and it impacts me or others in my life. I am trying to work on setting better boundaries to prevent this.
Sometimes I worry about interfering or being a bother. I try to not do things unless I'm asked. As I do something, rather than worrying about interfering, I think about how I would feel as the recipient. Letters are fun to receive and it would brighten my day - even a letter from a stranger. I colored bookmarks that will go into a STEM kit for kids in foster care, and I know that as a kid, it would be so wonderful to get something handmade during a tough time. This was through Together We Rise
There's more I want to do, but I have so little time. I remind myself that in this season of life, what I can do is limited. A few years down the line, I know I might have more bandwidth to do more. Consider this for yourself. As others have said, it's ok to receive right now. I admire that you are looking to do more.
posted by skunk pig at 1:09 PM on January 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
You can almost certainly bring in gifts for the nurses at your chemo center! You can also see if they participate in the DAISY Award program or have some other formal route for recognizing nurses and other staff and nominate anyone who does a good job. You don’t need to save it for someone who is truly extraordinary- be genuine and it will be appreciated. Using the center’s formal recognition program is most likely to help that person advance in their career and potentially be paid more if they have a clinical ladder or merit-based raises.
posted by MadamM at 1:58 PM on January 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by MadamM at 1:58 PM on January 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
You really can just sprinkle in some kind thoughts on every interaction you have. I just had to get a plumber out to my place today (new year's day so as you can imagine it was a drag and very expensive) and the woman at the answering service for the plumber we ended up going with made a point of apologizing to me that I had to deal with this on a holiday. It absolutely blew me away that this woman who has to work on a holiday doing a job where all day she talks to stressed-out people brought any empathy at all to that interaction. I was so charmed I didn't even know what to say.
I'm sure the healthcare professionals you interact with could use some kindness too. And yes, if the hospital has an official way to recognize great people, take advantage of that.
posted by potrzebie at 2:00 PM on January 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
I'm sure the healthcare professionals you interact with could use some kindness too. And yes, if the hospital has an official way to recognize great people, take advantage of that.
posted by potrzebie at 2:00 PM on January 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
You did something really nice for me about 18 months ago when I asked a question about a chemotherapy port for my recently-diagnosed brother. You gave me a super helpful answer and then followed up via Memail. I'll bet you could volunteer remotely for a cancer support organization as a peer counselor or as a resource for people diagnosed with your same type of disease. You had a really great factual yet compassionate way of sharing information that was both helpful and reassuring. It meant a lot to me.
posted by Kangaroo at 2:48 PM on January 1, 2022 [17 favorites]
posted by Kangaroo at 2:48 PM on January 1, 2022 [17 favorites]
Response by poster: Oh Kangaroo, you made me cry. Thank you.
Lots of super helpful answers here. Thanks to everyone so far.
posted by FencingGal at 2:49 PM on January 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
Lots of super helpful answers here. Thanks to everyone so far.
posted by FencingGal at 2:49 PM on January 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
I love this question and all of the answers! I don't have much else to contribute but wanted to drop a comment to say, for what it's worth, I always appreciate your comments and input on Metafilter, FencingGal. So that's some kindness that you're already putting out into the world, in your own little way, and don't discount that!
posted by carlypennylane at 3:40 PM on January 1, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by carlypennylane at 3:40 PM on January 1, 2022 [5 favorites]
Oh! Easy one- when you leave a store and the employee was at all notable, and maybe especially if they’re having a bad day- wave over the manager and say how helpful / knowledgeable / efficient / friendly / whatever the employee was.
Customer compliments are HUGE and can erase the mental residue of mistakes they made, late arrivals, pending discipline, etc. They feel nice but more importantly they increase the employee’s stability and indispensability at work which makes their whole life more stable.
Also go out of your way to do this for employees from historically-oppressed identities (race / gender / disability / social class / etc) because they take a lot of shit from bigoted customers, staff, managers, and the world, and they are more precarious and often first to be laid off.
And maybe especially if the employee is only mediocre or awkward or slow or seems new or had a bad day... They could be really insecure and on a bad streak at work and your compliment could maybe boost their confidence and social capital and actually help them turn it around.
So taking 2 minutes to say “ Hi, I just wanted to let you know that umm- Donna here- was wonderful. So on the ball and efficient. I always enjoy shopping
here - Thank you!” (Make sure to try to find something plausible that they actually did, even just “warmth” if they smiled or “professionalism” if they didn’t, lol).
You can actually kind of save a person’s JOB doing that, and it only takes a second!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 4:04 PM on January 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
Customer compliments are HUGE and can erase the mental residue of mistakes they made, late arrivals, pending discipline, etc. They feel nice but more importantly they increase the employee’s stability and indispensability at work which makes their whole life more stable.
Also go out of your way to do this for employees from historically-oppressed identities (race / gender / disability / social class / etc) because they take a lot of shit from bigoted customers, staff, managers, and the world, and they are more precarious and often first to be laid off.
And maybe especially if the employee is only mediocre or awkward or slow or seems new or had a bad day... They could be really insecure and on a bad streak at work and your compliment could maybe boost their confidence and social capital and actually help them turn it around.
So taking 2 minutes to say “ Hi, I just wanted to let you know that umm- Donna here- was wonderful. So on the ball and efficient. I always enjoy shopping
here - Thank you!” (Make sure to try to find something plausible that they actually did, even just “warmth” if they smiled or “professionalism” if they didn’t, lol).
You can actually kind of save a person’s JOB doing that, and it only takes a second!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 4:04 PM on January 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
How good are you at comparing two photos of a cat or dog, to see if it’s the same animal?
If you are on Facebook/NextDoor/etc., and your community has a few Lost and Found Pets groups, you can deploy this skill without leaving home. Pick a “found” animal or two, study their markings and descriptions, and then scour the “lost” listings for matches. If you find a match, you can help connect them.
posted by armeowda at 4:15 PM on January 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
If you are on Facebook/NextDoor/etc., and your community has a few Lost and Found Pets groups, you can deploy this skill without leaving home. Pick a “found” animal or two, study their markings and descriptions, and then scour the “lost” listings for matches. If you find a match, you can help connect them.
posted by armeowda at 4:15 PM on January 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
I'm loving these comments. Thanks for this, FencingGal -- it's something we could all probably afford to up our game on. Could you provide the link to the original thread that inspired this Ask?
posted by kate4914 at 5:26 PM on January 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by kate4914 at 5:26 PM on January 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
FencingGal, you've been so helpful to me as well. You took the initiative to memail me in response to one of my comments this year and I was really touched. So yes, I think most people would welcome your genuine, thoughtful outreach.
posted by mochapickle at 5:29 PM on January 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by mochapickle at 5:29 PM on January 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: There's so much kindness in this thread! I'm really appreciating the nice things people are saying about me too. That was unexpected, but appreciated.
The MetaTalk thread was asking for more kindness in comments on the blue. What really got to me was when someone wrote about how an Ask from years ago led to two young women being saved from sex traffickers. I went back and read that thread, and it was amazing to see how so many people offered so much help and were able to contribute to a positive outcome. It was all very dramatic, but it got me thinking about kindnesses I've received from MeFites. And that led me to wanting to put more kindness into the world. But being immunocompromised makes that harder for me, and I was having trouble of thinking of things I could do. I knew if I made this into an Ask, people would come up with some great ideas, and I have not been disappointed.
posted by FencingGal at 6:01 PM on January 1, 2022 [8 favorites]
The MetaTalk thread was asking for more kindness in comments on the blue. What really got to me was when someone wrote about how an Ask from years ago led to two young women being saved from sex traffickers. I went back and read that thread, and it was amazing to see how so many people offered so much help and were able to contribute to a positive outcome. It was all very dramatic, but it got me thinking about kindnesses I've received from MeFites. And that led me to wanting to put more kindness into the world. But being immunocompromised makes that harder for me, and I was having trouble of thinking of things I could do. I knew if I made this into an Ask, people would come up with some great ideas, and I have not been disappointed.
posted by FencingGal at 6:01 PM on January 1, 2022 [8 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
There are lots of ways to write a great note... in my world, people usually really like notes that make them feel seen - in other words, notes that say something like, "I want to let you know that I notice this aspect of your personality or skill set, and I admire / appreciate it!" Especially if the thing you comment on is something they strive towards, and extra points for expressing it in an unexpected way.
But really, I think if you're doing chemo, then this is a wonderful time to just kick back and accept love and help from others so you can recharge! It usually feels good to others to help you, so don't feel guilty or like you need to reciprocate. Hope you have a great year!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 9:57 AM on January 1, 2022 [9 favorites]