Dumb presents I shouldn't give people
December 12, 2021 5:51 PM   Subscribe

This Christmas I would like Santa to not give my family members really dumb things that shouldn't even exist. For example, I would like Santa to give my wife a note saying he is not giving her a cat litter box that will send a notification to her phone whenever the cat poops, along with an actual product description of this thing. What are some other things Santa shouldn't give my relatives?

My relatives include people between the ages of 10 and 75. So called "smart" devices are obvious candidates, but a good old-fashioned combination bottle-opener hair-comb would also meet my criteria.

So Hive Mind, let me have it. What are the stupidest things you've seen for sale in the last year?
posted by alms to Shopping (30 answers total) 16 users marked this as a favorite
 
Seems like the entire contents of the Skymall catalog was made for this.
posted by dr. boludo at 6:09 PM on December 12, 2021 [13 favorites]


I mean I would be really upset to receive a vintage knit toilet seat cover.

A faux fur merkin (link to Etsy, CW: merkins) would also be unappreciated.
posted by RobinofFrocksley at 6:11 PM on December 12, 2021 [3 favorites]


I was going to say "a mask with a straw hole" but I went to find you a link and the Internet informed me that what they really don't need is one with a mouth zipper.
posted by teremala at 6:19 PM on December 12, 2021 [7 favorites]


Anything involving poop. Pooping dolls, pooping candy, poop emojis, novelty TP, any of that.

My dad was gifted an incredibly strangely ugly desk sign one year that he threw straight out. So just ugly-ass shit. If you go to any "random stuff stores" in your area or thrift stores, you'll find all kinds of weirdness.

Or Spencer's/HotTopic stores, I've seen some flabbergastingly dirty Christmas sweaters there. Archie McPhee also has a lot of weird things.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:23 PM on December 12, 2021 [4 favorites]


We have had a debate in my house about whether these head massagers belong on your list.
posted by metahawk at 6:36 PM on December 12, 2021 [1 favorite]


I was given a Hotdogger, which is a hot dog bun driller that makes a hole in the bun so the hot dog won't leak. I am unsure how you are supposed to apply condiments and this thing is huge. Like, I don't eat hot dogs (so why did they give this to me??), but I do eat brats. If I put this inside a brat bun, I don't think there would be anything left but the crust, which would tear apart as soon as the brat gave off any steam.
posted by soelo at 6:49 PM on December 12, 2021 [9 favorites]




Maybe see how many items you can find that include a bottle opener…
Here are Reef flip flops
posted by calgirl at 7:13 PM on December 12, 2021 [1 favorite]


Anything from the Williams-Sonoma catalog mentioned in the Hater's Guide To The Williams-Sonoma Catalog. (Link to 2020 version; seems like 2021 is not out yet.)
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 7:19 PM on December 12, 2021 [2 favorites]


It could be entirely hot dog themed: Surely somewhere there is a novelty hot dog gadget with a built-in bottle opener.
posted by hades at 7:19 PM on December 12, 2021 [4 favorites]


How expensive? Bluetooth speakers are built into so many kitchen vent fans, and it's like an extra $200. You can buy a bluetooth speaker for like $5.

Taco-asaurus - kids taco holders. My in-laws got my kids this, and my kids don't even like dinosaurs that much.

Kids: blind bags for anything. These are like Mitch Hedburg's flyers "Here you throw this away" with the indignity of having to pay for it first.
posted by The_Vegetables at 7:20 PM on December 12, 2021 [3 favorites]


Instagram is the new Skymall catalog. I'd steer clear of anything on there.
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 7:32 PM on December 12, 2021 [4 favorites]


hades, I think the most hilarious hot dog-related item is the Octodog that turns hotdogs into octopuses.
posted by umbú at 8:43 PM on December 12, 2021 [5 favorites]


Metahawk- that product is also known as the "orgasmatron" and depending on your nerve sensitivity it's quite a pleasant head massager.

How about this pet peek window?
posted by freethefeet at 10:11 PM on December 12, 2021 [1 favorite]


Archie McPhee has oh so very many examples of what you're looking for:

Pickle-Scented Candle
Handerpants
Little Undertaker's Modest Urn
Cat Bonnet
"Hell Is Other People" doormat
Santaur ornament
Switchblade Spork
Inflatable Bee Beard
Pagan Breakfast God Mask
Krampus Sweatervest
Shakespeare Punching Puppet
Emotional Support Rubber Chicken

I'm pretty sure "create things that are too dumb to exist" is part of their mission statement.
posted by Vervain at 10:18 PM on December 12, 2021 [7 favorites]


A silver crumb scoop. Description and one for sale.
posted by paduasoy at 3:52 AM on December 13, 2021 [1 favorite]


There's a product called Ball Wash for perfuming one's testicles.
posted by champers at 4:13 AM on December 13, 2021


How about this pet peek window?

Hey, my dad had to cut a hole in the fence and set a plexiglass window, just so our dog would stop tearing down the back gate to see what was going on in the alley.
--
Some of these ideas are pretty great, you guys, and I wish I hadn't sent out my Christmas list on time like a good boy.
posted by wenestvedt at 7:15 AM on December 13, 2021 [2 favorites]


Any product that requires an online account to access it is going to break your heart when the company goes under or retires the product, and probably will also compromise your identity (and LAN) right away.

Anything that requires a paid subscription to keep using it is a shitty gift unless you, the giver, plan to fund it in perpetuity.
posted by wenestvedt at 7:17 AM on December 13, 2021


Just about anything from Thanko (note: Japanese), but they've got a page of specialties that are, well, special—pretty much the Japanese equivalent of "as seen on TV."

I especially like the phone magnifier and keyboard muffler. Also the automated cup-noodle ramen maker.
posted by adamrice at 7:52 AM on December 13, 2021


How has nobody mentioned the silicone-lined horror that is the Rollie Eggmaster Vertical Egg Cooker?
posted by flabdablet at 8:44 AM on December 13, 2021




Epicurious Kitchen Gadgets
posted by basalganglia at 9:40 AM on December 13, 2021


Author Naomi Kritzer (disclosure: she is a friend) does an annual blog post about gifts for people you hate that is absolutely FILLED with gifts you should definitely, absolutely not give people.
posted by bile and syntax at 9:46 AM on December 13, 2021 [4 favorites]


Some of these ideas are pretty great, you guys, and I wish I hadn't sent out my Christmas list on time like a good boy.

I'm not ashamed to admit that I own more than one of the things already listed and use them and love them, but I will raise you some radioactive uranium ore.
posted by Mchelly at 11:06 AM on December 13, 2021 [1 favorite]


Forget ore! What I really want is some Trinitite -- historic, radioactive, fused sand!
posted by wenestvedt at 11:23 AM on December 13, 2021


Anything that requires a paid subscription to keep using it is a shitty gift unless you, the giver, plan to fund it in perpetuity.

Do you mean a physical gift that will stop functioning if you stop paying? If so, I agree. But I think a limited subscription to a service is fine - such as a gym membership, season tickets to a museum or theater, or Spotify subscription.
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 11:30 AM on December 13, 2021 [2 favorites]


I saw a Sushiez* (mint in box) at the Goodwill on Saturday.

*Sushi easy? Sue-she-zee? Shush-ease?
posted by vespabelle at 7:24 PM on December 13, 2021


The Testicuzzi (mildly NSFW): a miniature hot tub for one's testicles.
posted by What is E. T. short for? at 7:44 PM on December 14, 2021




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