How to support my spouse after a D&C?

December 4, 2021 11:25 AM

My wife and I learned this week the 13-week old baby she's pregnant with has stopped growing. The baby's heart just stopped. We have no idea why, and we're devastated. Next week, she has to go in for surgery for a D&C as the doctor says there's too much risk from waiting for the body to have a natural miscarriage. I'd really like to come up with ways to help her in her physical and emotional recovery.

We have a big family (kids between the ages of 2 to 12) and this is the first time one of our pregnancies has ended this way. We really hadn't told too many people we were expecting, luckily, so once we un-tell our parents and close friends, we won't have to keep resharing the sad news that our son isn't going to be born :-( Thanks for any suggestions you might have.

posted by anonymous to Home & Garden (14 answers total)

I’m so sorry for your loss. My former spouse miscarried at 13 weeks, so I know some things about this. First, be prepared for what to do if she begins miscarrying before the scheduled D&C - this is what happened to us, and the fact that I wasn’t home or near my phone made it much harder. Post D&C there may be limits on what she can lift snd she’s likely to be bleeding for awhile, so please make a plan for taking on more kid duties than usual during her recovery and also for what you’ll tell the kids about why she’s not feeling well.

Her hormones are likely to be out of whack for awhile, which means she might be less in control of feelings and reactions than usual, and it’s so important that you don’t take that personally - that plus the grief you’ll both be feeling is a LOT. Make space to grieve - I hate so much that the grieving process after miscarriage isn’t validated - and keep in mind her grief will be different because this is happening to her body. If you’re a masculine person, put down all the internalized stuff that might stop you from getting help or support and seek that for yourself too.

Think about what makes her feel better when she’s under physical or mental strain and have those things ready when she gets home. (Heating pad? Painkillers? Soothing tea? Cozy blankets? Things to smash? Etc.) And try not to make this a secret or shameful thing. It really is okay to tell people in your support system what happened - when we did, we learned that a lot of people we knew had experienced miscarriage and hadn’t talked about it, and the wisdom and empathy they brought helped a lot.

Warmth and love for both of you - this is hard.
posted by centrifugal at 11:57 AM on December 4, 2021 [19 favorites]

I'm so sorry this happened to you and your family.

I've lost two pregnancies.

The first time, I had a D&C scheduled. But the day before, everything passed on its own at home. My husband had to take me to the ER due to blood loss and lightheadedness. I had an ultrasound to confirm everything had passed, plus a prescription for Cytotec. So, yes, it's possible the pregnancy will pass on its own before the appointment.

The second time, I had the D&C. It was upsetting and awful, but significantly less shocking and traumatic. I went in to an appointment, woke up not pregnant, went home with some pain medicine and rested.

Both times, the recovery from the miscarriage and/or surgery itself wasn't horrendous. Soreness, mostly.

But it takes a long time for the body to get rid of the pregnancy hormones. I felt sick, headachy, queasy, and emotional for weeks. Continuing to feel pregnant, when you know you aren't, on top of grief and shock, is intense and confusing.

As for specific things you can do, the most important is to be an equal partner in the grief. Don't go in with the mentality of "I will be her rock and be stoic" because that can feel really lonely. Let her know that you're grieving, too, and you'll hold space for that.

Beyond that, just keep the lights on and the trains running - bundle kids off to school, get some form of dinner on the table, make her life as simple as you can while her body gets back to a baseline. Let family and close friends help if they can.

And definitely deal with the logistics of the appointment itself - when to leave, is there traffic, where to park, do we pay for parking, do they validate, do we need to stop by the pharmacy, who picks up the kids if it runs late, what about... - that kind of mental load stuff should not be on her plate.

Again, I'm so, so sorry.
posted by champers at 12:29 PM on December 4, 2021 [13 favorites]

This is long term advice: for the rest of their life, your spouse may continue to think about, love, and miss your baby. You are the only other person who knows what that’s like. Don’t be afraid (unless they tell you otherwise) to keep remembering, talking, and loving your baby together. Your spouse should not feel alone in their remembering. Caveat: this may not be what your spouse needs, but I recommend checking in about it and keeping the door always open.
posted by CMcG at 12:37 PM on December 4, 2021 [15 favorites]

I am so so sorry. I had two "missed miscarriages" around 11-12 weeks and had a D&C with each of them.

Personally I worked at my job up to the day of my D&C. I did start miscarrying in the morning the second time which was tough to deal with. Recovery from each D&C was physically pretty easy, I had some bleeding and cramping that I treated with ibuprofen. Mentally obviously I was grieving but grieving a miscarriage or stillbirth is very tough, there's no body, no grave (although that's now an option in some states). I think you will have to take her cue. Does she want to return to a sense of normalcy with the family? Does she want alone time to process? I mostly wanted normalcy but also the week after I wanted to go on a fancy date night and then get completely drunk on expensive cocktails (which is not something we had done for many years), so that's what we did.

Both me and my husband had grief for future plans (and I wanted him to share that feeling with me), but I also had grief for the physical life I was carrying even if I only experienced her through secondary effects at that point. I treasured the few ultrasounds that I had for each pregnancy.
posted by muddgirl at 12:39 PM on December 4, 2021 [2 favorites]

If you normally work outside of your home I hope you can take at least a week or two off from work so that you can be home with your wife. If that's absolutely not possible be sure to line up help from family and friends for childcare, meals, housekeeping.
posted by mareli at 1:42 PM on December 4, 2021 [2 favorites]

I am very sorry for your and your wife’s loss—your family’s loss.

My partner and I have no living children and we lost two pregnancies, one at 20 weeks and one at 13.

There are some good points above. I have a couple of additional things to think about:

• After a loss, holidays and milestones are hard. I found Christmas and Mother’s Day very hard for a few years. It’s better now, but I still get sad. The baby’s due date can also be a difficult day. It’s been years now, but I still remember both babies’ due dates and think about how they would have been our children’s birthdays; I am sure I’ll always remember them. Eventually you and your wife will want to discuss if/how you’d like to commemorate your son.
• After each loss, my partner got us a small garden statue in memory of our baby. He asked me beforehand what kind of statue I would like, then went out and found it. I found it helpful to have a ritual to accompany grieving—choosing the place for each statue, installing it and saying a few words, burying the baby’s ashes that we were provided after our later term loss. It also gave us a place to go and sit peacefully when we were sad and wanted to think about the babies. Again, I’m very sorry for your loss. These things are so painful.

posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 1:51 PM on December 4, 2021 [10 favorites]

All that everyone suggested above.

There are also support groups out these. The one when we had a full-term stillbirth was called P.S. My Baby Died, and it was a mix of miscarriages, stillbirths, and post-birth losses. It was pretty helpful to us. You might want to contact the hospital or the doctor, they may have resources.

The loss will never go away, but with time, it needn't destroy you.

Very sorry for your loss.
posted by Windopaene at 3:21 PM on December 4, 2021 [2 favorites]

What everyone above said. Especially about being prepared to take on extra childcare duties.

Also, she may want to do or not do things that seem irrational to you. She may ask you to do or not do things that make no sense, including around sex.

Do not make her feel bad about that. Do not criticize the choices (unless that ate legitimately unsafe or problematic),. Do not make exasperated comments. Do not push for sex, even in the jokiest way, at all before she does.
posted by DebetEsse at 3:44 PM on December 4, 2021 [3 favorites]

I’m so sorry. This might not pertain to you, but consider how prepared you are to sit with your distressed wife and let her be distressed. Some people, in an effort to comfort and support a grieving or distressed loved one, treat the distress as if it’s a problem. This might look like seeing the person crying and rushing to get them to lie down or immediately asking what they need (as if crying after a loss or during a hard time is an indication they need something and isn’t just part of the process). It’s hard to simultaneously show up for a loved one in distress and avoid these pitfalls. You probably won’t get it perfectly right. But if you think you might be prone to this sort of thing, plan ahead for what you can do to manage that impulse to fix/soothe and instead be present with her in a way that accepts her distress. For me, that would look like expecting my person to be sad more often than not, and only asking “what do you need?” or “what can I do for you?” after I’ve taken a breath and reminded myself that them being sad isn’t a problem for me to solve.
posted by theotherdurassister at 4:15 PM on December 4, 2021 [11 favorites]

I had a D&E after a missed miscarriage and the surgery itself was not a big deal. Once I recovered from the anesthesia, it was not much different than having my period. It was a far better experience than my natural (so-called “spontaneous”) miscarriage (which, like Chambers’s, landed me in the ER). I agree with those who say the emotional aftermath is more likely to be the thing you most need to deal with, and would encourage both of you to seek counseling or a support group.
posted by Kriesa at 5:57 PM on December 4, 2021 [4 favorites]

First, my condolences. Miscarriage, medically defined as loss of pregnancy before the 20th week, is documented to happen 10 to 20 percent of all known pregnancies. However, actual numbers are probably higher because some women don't even know they're pregnant and the loss happened very early. Scientists and doctors have yet to find specific reasons for such losses, it sometimes "just happens".

Your first priority is not allow her to blame herself. Some people need to find something to blame, and some turn inward. What if I had done this instead of that, so on and so forth. Help her through the Kubler-Ross 5 stages of grief (denial / isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance), by joining a support group, bereavement group, or individual counseling, and attend together. It is your loss too.

Do NOT announce on social media, except to close family friends with orders NOT to retweet or repost. Antivaxxers are known to target women who had miscarried, trying to blame them for choosing vaccines. You should not have to deal with those emotional vampires.
posted by kschang at 12:20 AM on December 5, 2021 [3 favorites]

I’ll also add that in trying to make it clear that it’s not her fault, don’t make it seem that it doesn’t matter to you, or that it matters less to you, or that you’re only concerned about her, not the baby you lost. One of the worst parts in my perspective is the feeling of being *alone* in your grief.
posted by Kriesa at 5:03 AM on December 5, 2021 [1 favorite]

Twice when I went through this, I experienced a significant, sudden depression about a week or eight days after the D&C. It was partly the grief, but I think it must have been a sudden decline in pregnancy hormones as well, because it was really a marked shift from my experience of grief on the days leading up to that point and following. I was not actively suicidal but wished I could cease to exist. My husband managed to move everything to the back burner, pick up some sandwiches, drive me to a pretty, quiet place in nature, and sit next to me while I felt that way. So, watch for a cliff of painful emotion, and do what you can to be there if it happens. If I went through that today I would seek at least short-term therapy to help.
posted by TrixieRamble at 10:58 AM on December 5, 2021 [1 favorite]

FWIW, if you're in the US, it is permitted to use FMLA to take a few days off to spend with her to support her emotionally, generally speaking. Discuss this with your HR department ASAP, and with her HR if she's working. California mandates at least 3 PAID sick leave days for miscarriage, IIRC. Other states will vary.

And I concur that you must also demonstrate that you are hurting. Not all people wear emotions on their sleeves, and sometimes this may be misinterpreted as "not caring" enough. This is why group sessions can be very helpful, to show your support, share grief, and so on.

Be very careful with your words. Sometimes they may be misconstrued. Don't say things like "we can try again", because it may almost sound like the fetus is replaceable. When we suffer grief, our mind lashes out in random directions. Remember Kubler-Ross and 5 stages of grief. It is very easy to flip among the phases until finally hitting acceptance. Words that have no subtext would suddenly seem to have great hidden meaning when viewed through a lens of grief and anger (one of the 5 phases)

When you are not sure what to say, just hug her.

And remember, it is YOUR LOSS TOO. Don't forget to let yourself grieve the loss.
posted by kschang at 2:22 PM on December 5, 2021 [4 favorites]