Resources/ hacks for mental health during the holiday season?
October 4, 2021 10:38 AM Subscribe
I find the holiday season very stressful. Let's just say it, I have come to hate Christmas. Advice for dealing with family dynamics/ maintaining mental health during the holiday season?
I find the holidays, especially Christmas, incredibly stressful. If it were up to me, I would stay home with my husband, go on a nice walk, cook dinner together, and maybe go to the movies -- basically a chill day off from work. We did get a nice at-home Christmas last year thanks to Covid. But now we are back to regular Christmas which this year involves a long flight, hours of driving, balancing the schedules of both our families, spending way too much on gifts, and receiving gifts that will inevitably go straight to Goodwill— all in a boring, suburban environment.
And worst of all to me is dealing with this tug of war between my family of origin and my in-laws, in terms of how much time we spend with each one and which one is perceived as being prioritized.
Staying home or going on vacation just the two of us, is a no-go for my husband. He thinks it’s cruel to basically leave his parents sitting at home alone. There’s lots of duty/ obligation with my family too.
I know that every conversation with my mom for the next three months will include a run-down of the Christmas week schedule, and my head very well may explode this year after last year's taste of sweet freedom. I get so stressed and really struggle to enjoy anything about it, basically just try to get through it without lashing out or melting down.
Anyone else go through this? Any sage advice for maintaining mental health this year, and potentially even breaking out of this cycle in future years?
I find the holidays, especially Christmas, incredibly stressful. If it were up to me, I would stay home with my husband, go on a nice walk, cook dinner together, and maybe go to the movies -- basically a chill day off from work. We did get a nice at-home Christmas last year thanks to Covid. But now we are back to regular Christmas which this year involves a long flight, hours of driving, balancing the schedules of both our families, spending way too much on gifts, and receiving gifts that will inevitably go straight to Goodwill— all in a boring, suburban environment.
And worst of all to me is dealing with this tug of war between my family of origin and my in-laws, in terms of how much time we spend with each one and which one is perceived as being prioritized.
Staying home or going on vacation just the two of us, is a no-go for my husband. He thinks it’s cruel to basically leave his parents sitting at home alone. There’s lots of duty/ obligation with my family too.
I know that every conversation with my mom for the next three months will include a run-down of the Christmas week schedule, and my head very well may explode this year after last year's taste of sweet freedom. I get so stressed and really struggle to enjoy anything about it, basically just try to get through it without lashing out or melting down.
Anyone else go through this? Any sage advice for maintaining mental health this year, and potentially even breaking out of this cycle in future years?
I am someone who has somewhat reclaimed Christmas, but I went for the nuclear option of "I'm not coming home anymore" which isn't for everyone. (on preview, yes, we all have nuclear option in our holiday vernacular)
Let's assume that certain things are non-starters, like not seeing your in-laws or your own family. Think about ways you might be able to adjust some of the options to work more to your liking. A few ideas....
- Could you possibly see one family for Thanksgiving and one for Christmas, so you're not jamming two families into one stressful week?
- Could you possibly shorten the visit and spend a little together time just you and your husband after it's all over to just chill and debrief (whether that is at home or on a mini-vacation)?
- Could you do less or simpler gift buying and let people know ahead of time so there are no on-the-day disappointments?
- Could you schedule some little blocks of you-time (either you or you+husband) during the holidays you are with your family or his? Just little things like "Hey let's go for a short walk - it's been our COVID routine" or "We'll be happy to run out to the store to pick up some cranberry sauce?" stuff to give you some breaks and recharge time.
- Can you limit conversations with your mom t mostly non-holiday topics and tell her you're just looking forward to seeing her?
- Can you stay somewhere not at a family house and get a hotel so you have some morning/evening time to yourselves?
Because, I get you, often Christmas isn't the best way to see family or take a trip. There are often societal or familial obligations that are hard or impossible to unpack without causing even larger drama. Routines get seriously disrupted and COVID makes that all harder. It's tiring. But it's totally okay to put boundaries around the things you can control or to decide which things you are going to do less/more of, especially in These Weird Times.
It seems like having heart to hearts with family about what you're planning on doing and then... letting them just sit with their discomfort about their perceptions of prioritizations might be a first step Sometimes it's okay to let other people be uncomfortable instead of yourself. I'd also talk to your partner just so he knows this is hard for you and maybe you can find some compromises, like ok you are going to go on this trip you don't want to go on but in exchange he can.... something. Think about what make it might go better for you and focus on the good parts of this and not let anticipatory anxiety ruin the next for months of not-Christmas.
posted by jessamyn at 10:58 AM on October 4, 2021 [13 favorites]
Let's assume that certain things are non-starters, like not seeing your in-laws or your own family. Think about ways you might be able to adjust some of the options to work more to your liking. A few ideas....
- Could you possibly see one family for Thanksgiving and one for Christmas, so you're not jamming two families into one stressful week?
- Could you possibly shorten the visit and spend a little together time just you and your husband after it's all over to just chill and debrief (whether that is at home or on a mini-vacation)?
- Could you do less or simpler gift buying and let people know ahead of time so there are no on-the-day disappointments?
- Could you schedule some little blocks of you-time (either you or you+husband) during the holidays you are with your family or his? Just little things like "Hey let's go for a short walk - it's been our COVID routine" or "We'll be happy to run out to the store to pick up some cranberry sauce?" stuff to give you some breaks and recharge time.
- Can you limit conversations with your mom t mostly non-holiday topics and tell her you're just looking forward to seeing her?
- Can you stay somewhere not at a family house and get a hotel so you have some morning/evening time to yourselves?
Because, I get you, often Christmas isn't the best way to see family or take a trip. There are often societal or familial obligations that are hard or impossible to unpack without causing even larger drama. Routines get seriously disrupted and COVID makes that all harder. It's tiring. But it's totally okay to put boundaries around the things you can control or to decide which things you are going to do less/more of, especially in These Weird Times.
It seems like having heart to hearts with family about what you're planning on doing and then... letting them just sit with their discomfort about their perceptions of prioritizations might be a first step Sometimes it's okay to let other people be uncomfortable instead of yourself. I'd also talk to your partner just so he knows this is hard for you and maybe you can find some compromises, like ok you are going to go on this trip you don't want to go on but in exchange he can.... something. Think about what make it might go better for you and focus on the good parts of this and not let anticipatory anxiety ruin the next for months of not-Christmas.
posted by jessamyn at 10:58 AM on October 4, 2021 [13 favorites]
This sounds like my nightmare as well. Do you see the inlaws and your family at other times of the year? I am super put off by the notion that we HAVE to see family over the Holidays BECAUSE FAMILY. I'd much rather everyone stay in their corner for the big holidays and instead have a beach week or something in the summer that is low key and low stress.
Also, your inlaws won't be alone. They will have each other, right? I don't get your husband's need to save them from being alone on the holidays.
My sympathies.
posted by tafetta, darling! at 11:00 AM on October 4, 2021 [3 favorites]
Also, your inlaws won't be alone. They will have each other, right? I don't get your husband's need to save them from being alone on the holidays.
My sympathies.
posted by tafetta, darling! at 11:00 AM on October 4, 2021 [3 favorites]
Oh man, I feel for you. I hate the holidays enormously, mostly because they are for families and it's a huge reminder that I don't have one, but even without that the whole gift giving thing to adults who don't need gifts is exhausting and boring, and pretending to enjoy it all is even more exhausting and boring.
My mother, however, Loves The Holidays, and since she is 80 and alienated most of her friends and my sister, Really Depends On Me to make it work. She still doesn't really get it, so every year, we have this conversation:
Mom: what do you want to do for the holidays?
Me: nothing.
Mom: I want to have a party [like I did for many years], so why don't you invite over all your friends to my house.
Me: I hate the holidays.
Mom: Aren't there any of your friends in town who might want to come over?
Me: As I've said a million times before, I want to stay in my room and listen to the Messiah, you would just pick on my friends like you always do even if they were in town, and I hate the holidays.
Mom: Why? I don't understand. I like them, so you should too.
Me: They are for families, and I don't have one, as I've said before.
Mom: [long lecture about being partnered isn't everything, from someone who was happily married for 25 years, and I should snap out of it since the holidays are wonderful]
Me: I've heard this before, and I hate the holidays. But, if there's somewhere you want to go, like a friend's house or something, I am fine with going with you, since I'm not a total monster.
Mom, a week later, still sulking: ok, we're going out to dinner with my brother. I wish your cousin lived nearer so that we could properly celebrate the holidays.
Then the next year, she's forgotten everything and we have this exact same conversation.
I guess my advice is to just figure out what are hard boundaries, and what are soft ones, and stick to them. I'm seriously considering telling some of my friends that I can't do the presents thing anymore, and if they complain, I love pointing out how all my guy friends get their wives to buy presents, and if I were a guy, no one would bat an eyelash. Since I'm in a very feminist culture/part of the country, this generally shuts them up.
Good luck!!
posted by sockerpup at 11:00 AM on October 4, 2021 [1 favorite]
My mother, however, Loves The Holidays, and since she is 80 and alienated most of her friends and my sister, Really Depends On Me to make it work. She still doesn't really get it, so every year, we have this conversation:
Mom: what do you want to do for the holidays?
Me: nothing.
Mom: I want to have a party [like I did for many years], so why don't you invite over all your friends to my house.
Me: I hate the holidays.
Mom: Aren't there any of your friends in town who might want to come over?
Me: As I've said a million times before, I want to stay in my room and listen to the Messiah, you would just pick on my friends like you always do even if they were in town, and I hate the holidays.
Mom: Why? I don't understand. I like them, so you should too.
Me: They are for families, and I don't have one, as I've said before.
Mom: [long lecture about being partnered isn't everything, from someone who was happily married for 25 years, and I should snap out of it since the holidays are wonderful]
Me: I've heard this before, and I hate the holidays. But, if there's somewhere you want to go, like a friend's house or something, I am fine with going with you, since I'm not a total monster.
Mom, a week later, still sulking: ok, we're going out to dinner with my brother. I wish your cousin lived nearer so that we could properly celebrate the holidays.
Then the next year, she's forgotten everything and we have this exact same conversation.
I guess my advice is to just figure out what are hard boundaries, and what are soft ones, and stick to them. I'm seriously considering telling some of my friends that I can't do the presents thing anymore, and if they complain, I love pointing out how all my guy friends get their wives to buy presents, and if I were a guy, no one would bat an eyelash. Since I'm in a very feminist culture/part of the country, this generally shuts them up.
Good luck!!
posted by sockerpup at 11:00 AM on October 4, 2021 [1 favorite]
Oh, re: the gift situation, I find many families are eventually willing to go to some kind of Secret Santa arrangement for the adults in the family, at least. That would at least cut down on the spending/waste. Probably you're not the only one who would like to avoid the mass exchange.
posted by praemunire at 11:00 AM on October 4, 2021 [2 favorites]
posted by praemunire at 11:00 AM on October 4, 2021 [2 favorites]
Your husband considers it cruel to leave your parents alone but I consider it cruel to put someone through 3 months of stress for a completely optional & unnecessary holiday. You're allowed to make your own decisions about how you spend your own time & other people are allowed to not like them. Husband included. How does he think he would expect to be treated if the roles were reversed? Most guys I know would just opt out completely of anything they weren't 100% into and would face no questions or consequences about it.
Jessamyn's advice above is good & also I will add that the pandemic is still here and you can still use it as an excuse.
posted by bleep at 11:02 AM on October 4, 2021 [15 favorites]
Jessamyn's advice above is good & also I will add that the pandemic is still here and you can still use it as an excuse.
posted by bleep at 11:02 AM on October 4, 2021 [15 favorites]
I broke out a couple years ago, I go visit for Thanksgiving and stay home doing whatever tf I want on Christmas. Thanksgiving is much less fraught so I prefer it, and since I live 1000 miles away gosh golly there's simply no way I can manage TWO trips down so close together.
I think the key here however is that I've reached the point where I do not care if people think I suck. I decided to prioritize my mental health and my own feelings over the feelings of others because I just don't have enough of the milk of human kindness in me to top up everyone else's cup.
posted by phunniemee at 11:02 AM on October 4, 2021 [9 favorites]
I think the key here however is that I've reached the point where I do not care if people think I suck. I decided to prioritize my mental health and my own feelings over the feelings of others because I just don't have enough of the milk of human kindness in me to top up everyone else's cup.
posted by phunniemee at 11:02 AM on October 4, 2021 [9 favorites]
It seems like the main problem is the two-families-in-one-week situation; can you and your husband split it up--he goes to his family, you go to yours? It's not ideal to spend a holiday without your partner if you'd prefer to spend it together, but it definitely beats dragging yourselves through the full rigamarole every year.
Since it doesn't seem like any Christmas-specific part of things is meaningful to you, maybe you and your husband could take another random day off work to relax together and cook/see movies/etc.
MeFi is not a very Christmas-friendly/Holidays-friendly place but I personally put a lot of stock into them and fully relate to your husband's guilt about leaving his parents alone. I'm sure some peoples' parents are total nightmares who would never celebrate unless it gave them an excuse to torture people but ...most people are not, actually, total psychopaths and some of them feel a legitimate emotional importance around these events.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 12:06 PM on October 4, 2021 [4 favorites]
Since it doesn't seem like any Christmas-specific part of things is meaningful to you, maybe you and your husband could take another random day off work to relax together and cook/see movies/etc.
MeFi is not a very Christmas-friendly/Holidays-friendly place but I personally put a lot of stock into them and fully relate to your husband's guilt about leaving his parents alone. I'm sure some peoples' parents are total nightmares who would never celebrate unless it gave them an excuse to torture people but ...most people are not, actually, total psychopaths and some of them feel a legitimate emotional importance around these events.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 12:06 PM on October 4, 2021 [4 favorites]
We transitioned out of parents expecting us home for Christmas over a roughly 9 year period in which we alternated on a three year cycle between years in which we visited his parents, years in which we visited my parents, and years in which we stayed home (or went elsewhere) and did our own thing. Now no one expects us to come home for Christmas, and while I did feel bad about not going anywhere in December 2019 and then not being able to see anyone for 18+ months when COVID hit, we probably won't be going anywhere this holiday season, either. Over time we've found this motivates both sets of parents to come see us at non holiday times, which is nice, as long weekends are easier for us to work with and they're all retired and not having to manage time off work, etc.
posted by deludingmyself at 12:09 PM on October 4, 2021 [5 favorites]
posted by deludingmyself at 12:09 PM on October 4, 2021 [5 favorites]
People with parents never seem to get the Christmas they want. They're always forced to rush around, chasing someone else's idea of the Perfect Christmas.
I vote for making your husband do alllllll the work of buying presents, scheduling travel, contributing food and coordinating plans. There's a whole lot of labour that just automatically gets shunted off to wives and girlfriends and that's a huge part of the stress. Let him do the work if it's so important. All you promise to do is get into the car on time with a smile on your face.
Or make him go alone and spend Christmas alone at home.
posted by Omnomnom at 12:14 PM on October 4, 2021 [23 favorites]
I vote for making your husband do alllllll the work of buying presents, scheduling travel, contributing food and coordinating plans. There's a whole lot of labour that just automatically gets shunted off to wives and girlfriends and that's a huge part of the stress. Let him do the work if it's so important. All you promise to do is get into the car on time with a smile on your face.
Or make him go alone and spend Christmas alone at home.
posted by Omnomnom at 12:14 PM on October 4, 2021 [23 favorites]
Make it a brief trip, and you and your husband each primarily visit your own families, with just a brief visit (like, maybe a meal) with the others' family. Or send your husband on his own if without his pressure, you would otherwise stay home.
If for some reason you are not willing to do what is best for you for the holidays, then brainstorm other ways to make it less onerous: for example leaving on Christmas Eve, or staying in a hotel with your husband instead of in others' homes. If you do stay in their homes, spend a lot of time in your room; slip away when they are all engaged in something else, say you're tired and need to lie down, etc.
posted by metasarah at 12:15 PM on October 4, 2021
If for some reason you are not willing to do what is best for you for the holidays, then brainstorm other ways to make it less onerous: for example leaving on Christmas Eve, or staying in a hotel with your husband instead of in others' homes. If you do stay in their homes, spend a lot of time in your room; slip away when they are all engaged in something else, say you're tired and need to lie down, etc.
posted by metasarah at 12:15 PM on October 4, 2021
So let's start with this: are you and your husband on the same page, if there was no family pressure? Because it sounds to me like part of the stress here is that your husband wants to travel and be with his parents, whether out of love or obligation, and then that adds the pressure from your family. I don't think you'll be able to break out of this until you all are on the same page. I don't know how you could get there. Could his parents travel to you? Could you alternate years of being at home and traveling to family? It's not clear if your families live near each other or not.
Do you have an employee assistance program through work? I wonder if it might be worth having some structured conversations with your husband and a therapist, even if it's just 3-5 sessions or so. You're getting lots of advice here about how to manage all this, but it seems to me like it's going to get a lot easier if you think of this first as a negotiation with your husband rather than your family.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:20 PM on October 4, 2021 [4 favorites]
Do you have an employee assistance program through work? I wonder if it might be worth having some structured conversations with your husband and a therapist, even if it's just 3-5 sessions or so. You're getting lots of advice here about how to manage all this, but it seems to me like it's going to get a lot easier if you think of this first as a negotiation with your husband rather than your family.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:20 PM on October 4, 2021 [4 favorites]
Not for nothing, but the pandemic isn’t over. And even if there’s not another wave coming in a few months (we can hope!), travel is Extra Special Nightmarish right now and will absolutely be even more so during the holidays.
Give yourself some more time to consider long-term changes, have some tough conversations with your husband, and stay home this year, too.
On preview: Seconding Omnomnom. Long term, if it is your husband who is the primary beneficiary of Christmas travel (in emotional terms), then he should be bearing the vast majority of the stress and labor of managing the logistics. Let him coordinate with family, buy/pack/wrap/dispose of presents, and manage reservations. You can be in charge of scheduling some non-family side-excursions for you both (or even just yourself), and getting some actual rest.
posted by CtrlAltDelete at 12:23 PM on October 4, 2021 [7 favorites]
Give yourself some more time to consider long-term changes, have some tough conversations with your husband, and stay home this year, too.
On preview: Seconding Omnomnom. Long term, if it is your husband who is the primary beneficiary of Christmas travel (in emotional terms), then he should be bearing the vast majority of the stress and labor of managing the logistics. Let him coordinate with family, buy/pack/wrap/dispose of presents, and manage reservations. You can be in charge of scheduling some non-family side-excursions for you both (or even just yourself), and getting some actual rest.
posted by CtrlAltDelete at 12:23 PM on October 4, 2021 [7 favorites]
To me this all sounds like a lot of boundaries need to be set. For example:
End any discussion of which family is getting the most attention. This is childish and dumb. "We worked hard to come up with a schedule that works for us and it can't be changed."
Let everyone know you will not be getting or receiving gifts any more. Or figure out a way to do a Secret Santa in which everyone gets ONE present.
You don't have to discuss Christmas on every phone call. You really don't.
Husband can do all the planning. For real. There's no good reason that the person most stressed out/least interested in Christmas drama do the planning.
posted by oneirodynia at 12:58 PM on October 4, 2021 [3 favorites]
End any discussion of which family is getting the most attention. This is childish and dumb. "We worked hard to come up with a schedule that works for us and it can't be changed."
Let everyone know you will not be getting or receiving gifts any more. Or figure out a way to do a Secret Santa in which everyone gets ONE present.
You don't have to discuss Christmas on every phone call. You really don't.
Husband can do all the planning. For real. There's no good reason that the person most stressed out/least interested in Christmas drama do the planning.
posted by oneirodynia at 12:58 PM on October 4, 2021 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: THANK YOU everyone who has helped validate my feelings that it kinda just sucks and offered helpful suggestions. It helps to hear!
Good news is that my husband does do a lot of the planner, and he is a great gift finder/giver. We are doing Secret Santa and a spending limit with one family.
Part of the hiccup/ reason I can't just totally bail is that this is "my family's year." So in theory we are going to their city, but husband's sibling lives 45 minutes away, so his parents are making the trip to that area as well. So we're back to the back-and-forth driving, coordinating schedules, scenario. Whereas, when we go to visit his parents at their home in another state, they don't have to "share us" with anyone else. (Everyone used to live in the same city, now we are in 3 different states.)
End any discussion of which family is getting the most attention. This is childish and dumb.
Agreed, but it's not discussion. What happens is "We're flexible!" beforehand, followed by subtext and hints and "I'm sad that XYZ happened/didn't happen" conversations after the fact. Or, at least that's what happened in the past and what I'm dreading. I will admit that a lot of it is anxiety and worries in my own head.
posted by jschu at 1:24 PM on October 4, 2021 [1 favorite]
Good news is that my husband does do a lot of the planner, and he is a great gift finder/giver. We are doing Secret Santa and a spending limit with one family.
Part of the hiccup/ reason I can't just totally bail is that this is "my family's year." So in theory we are going to their city, but husband's sibling lives 45 minutes away, so his parents are making the trip to that area as well. So we're back to the back-and-forth driving, coordinating schedules, scenario. Whereas, when we go to visit his parents at their home in another state, they don't have to "share us" with anyone else. (Everyone used to live in the same city, now we are in 3 different states.)
End any discussion of which family is getting the most attention. This is childish and dumb.
Agreed, but it's not discussion. What happens is "We're flexible!" beforehand, followed by subtext and hints and "I'm sad that XYZ happened/didn't happen" conversations after the fact. Or, at least that's what happened in the past and what I'm dreading. I will admit that a lot of it is anxiety and worries in my own head.
posted by jschu at 1:24 PM on October 4, 2021 [1 favorite]
Yeah, you need to let go of that. You can't control passive aggressive comments but you can ignore them.
A cheerful "Aw, that sucks" is a versatile reply to all sorts of verbal moping. Happily ignore any subtext. Subtext is none of your business. Subtext does not exist. If they want an answer, they'll need to come out and say something. It drives passive aggressive people up the wall.
As for husband's sibling, you can send him to visit his family on his own. After all, it's your family's year. A deal's a deal. He and his family can sneak one in in the guise of flexibility, but you don't have to play that game.
posted by Omnomnom at 1:35 PM on October 4, 2021 [7 favorites]
A cheerful "Aw, that sucks" is a versatile reply to all sorts of verbal moping. Happily ignore any subtext. Subtext is none of your business. Subtext does not exist. If they want an answer, they'll need to come out and say something. It drives passive aggressive people up the wall.
As for husband's sibling, you can send him to visit his family on his own. After all, it's your family's year. A deal's a deal. He and his family can sneak one in in the guise of flexibility, but you don't have to play that game.
posted by Omnomnom at 1:35 PM on October 4, 2021 [7 favorites]
You shouldn't have to see your husband's family during your family's year. That's an easy solution. "Honey I can't manage all the extra logistics so I will spend that time at my parents' house."
Part of the problem in situations like this is we either feel compelled and resentful, or say no and feel guilty. Unfortunately there's not really a third scenario where you get everything you want without having to field other people's disapproval.
"I'm sad xyz did or didn't happen."
"Oh okay, well I took your comments about flexibility at face value so I guess it was a miscommunication. If there's ever a specific experience you are wanting to have please do speak up as clearly as possible so we are on the same page and can all determine whether it's feasible!"
posted by crunchy potato at 1:54 PM on October 4, 2021 [6 favorites]
Part of the problem in situations like this is we either feel compelled and resentful, or say no and feel guilty. Unfortunately there's not really a third scenario where you get everything you want without having to field other people's disapproval.
"I'm sad xyz did or didn't happen."
"Oh okay, well I took your comments about flexibility at face value so I guess it was a miscommunication. If there's ever a specific experience you are wanting to have please do speak up as clearly as possible so we are on the same page and can all determine whether it's feasible!"
posted by crunchy potato at 1:54 PM on October 4, 2021 [6 favorites]
OMG, I feel this so hard. We are in the exact same boat every year, and it sucks sucks sucks. All my sympathies!
Could you.... just see your family this year, and don't do any coordination at all with your husband's family? Let him do it it if he want to see them, and you are so sick and resting at your parents' house. So sick.
posted by spicytunaroll at 2:49 PM on October 4, 2021 [1 favorite]
Could you.... just see your family this year, and don't do any coordination at all with your husband's family? Let him do it it if he want to see them, and you are so sick and resting at your parents' house. So sick.
posted by spicytunaroll at 2:49 PM on October 4, 2021 [1 favorite]
You can ignore/deflect from subtext, but you can also name subtext. Make it text. Something like, “Hey, Mom. When you talk about how disappointed you are about X not happening and us doing Y with in-laws instead, it sounds like you’re implying we love Husband’s family more than you, and that’s really hurtful to me. You know how hard it is to see and coordinate with everyone we love at the holidays. I know you wouldn’t want to prevent us from seeing our other loved ones at this ~important time of year~, so could you commit next year to scheduling the most important events in advance and then not bringing up the the other stuff again? I know you miss me, and we miss you, but I also know you don’t want to make me feel sad and guilty over something I can’t control.”
Or, you know, whatever the subtext actually is. And the next time it happens—because a lifetime of habits is hard to break—you can reference this conversation. (“Oh, it’s so sad we didn’t get to go caroling.” “Hey, remember how we talked about how that kind of talk is hurtful to me?”)
Sometimes ignoring things is easier and simpler, but sometimes really laying it out can be helpful. I tried the “cheerfully ignoring subtext” approach with my family for awhile (when it became the only way I could engage with them at all), and eventually it just bummed me out so hard to constantly be playing conversation defense and not naming my actual feelings that I had to give it up. But ymmv!
posted by CtrlAltDelete at 3:19 PM on October 4, 2021 [4 favorites]
Or, you know, whatever the subtext actually is. And the next time it happens—because a lifetime of habits is hard to break—you can reference this conversation. (“Oh, it’s so sad we didn’t get to go caroling.” “Hey, remember how we talked about how that kind of talk is hurtful to me?”)
Sometimes ignoring things is easier and simpler, but sometimes really laying it out can be helpful. I tried the “cheerfully ignoring subtext” approach with my family for awhile (when it became the only way I could engage with them at all), and eventually it just bummed me out so hard to constantly be playing conversation defense and not naming my actual feelings that I had to give it up. But ymmv!
posted by CtrlAltDelete at 3:19 PM on October 4, 2021 [4 favorites]
Develop a routine of going to TDay at her folks/ Xmas at his folks this year, TDay at his folks/ Xmas at her folks next year, and stick to it, understanding that being firm now pays off eventually. The hiccup is all well and good, but It's My folks' year is used to radically limit the 45 minute drive and scheduling requests. And make your visit shorter, even if you have vaca available and it seems like a waste of a flight. Say you have limited vaca time or whatever. Plan stuff you like. hiking, museum, whatever. Invite family members along, but time hanging out hashing over plans and trying to please everyone while succeeding in pleasing no one is miserable. New traditions can happen. We've decided that movies and Chinese food the day after Xmas is our preference. Join Us!
Excess travel contributes to Climate Crisis, and you can try to reduce travel that way. Maybe.
"I'm sad that XYZ happened/didn't happen." reply cheerfully I know, what a bummer, and wouldn't it be nice to have a teleporter. Let's make sure we include longlost cousin Fergie next time. I love you and want to have great holidays with you.
When I did family holidays, I tried to give movies, books, puzzles, games, so there were activities. It helped some. Try to get Dad or Mom to do some story telling, go through old photos, and take notes; they won't always be around.
posted by theora55 at 4:16 PM on October 4, 2021 [1 favorite]
Excess travel contributes to Climate Crisis, and you can try to reduce travel that way. Maybe.
"I'm sad that XYZ happened/didn't happen." reply cheerfully I know, what a bummer, and wouldn't it be nice to have a teleporter. Let's make sure we include longlost cousin Fergie next time. I love you and want to have great holidays with you.
When I did family holidays, I tried to give movies, books, puzzles, games, so there were activities. It helped some. Try to get Dad or Mom to do some story telling, go through old photos, and take notes; they won't always be around.
posted by theora55 at 4:16 PM on October 4, 2021 [1 favorite]
I hold with just say no. But since that doesn't work for your spouse, stay at a hotel and limit the time you're with family.
posted by tmdonahue at 5:45 AM on October 5, 2021
posted by tmdonahue at 5:45 AM on October 5, 2021
(I have been fretting that my earlier comment made it sound like people who don't like holidays are psychopaths. This is not what I meant--I only meant that while some people who make a fuss about the holidays might be doing it for negative, manipulative reasons, most people who say the holidays are important to them are sincere.)
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 7:50 AM on October 5, 2021
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 7:50 AM on October 5, 2021
Consider having him bow out of seeing your family and you bow out of seeing his family.
Often the easiest way to do this is to agree before hand with your spouse that you will see the other one's family only if, unexpectedly, that morning you feel enthusiastic. Do not tell the families themselves that last minute excuses are being prepared. If, as expected, when the day dawns you would rather spend the day in bed with a terrible head cold, at that point he calls his family to let them know that he will be solo because you have a terrible migraine or whatever, while you spend the day in bed, munching Christmas cookies and enjoying Netflix.
The purpose of this deception is because it is likely to offend them a lot less to have you cancel because of not feeling good that morning even if it ruins the place settings at Christmas dinner, than for you to announce a month in advance that you hate them and you are not coming. Use whatever excuse will require the least amount of lying - "thinks she has one of her headaches coming on" or "bad case of the Christmas blues and doesn't want to be a downer" or "Didn't get enough sleep last night to cope" are the right level of deception. Send gifts and your love, and anything special you can think of so they know you still love them. "She made me promise I would hug you for her," is the kind of line your spouse should be using.
If you each dodge out of meeting the other one's family you will reduce the stress on both of you and if you each support each other in this, it will make you closer and put you on the same page.
posted by Jane the Brown at 8:08 AM on October 5, 2021
Often the easiest way to do this is to agree before hand with your spouse that you will see the other one's family only if, unexpectedly, that morning you feel enthusiastic. Do not tell the families themselves that last minute excuses are being prepared. If, as expected, when the day dawns you would rather spend the day in bed with a terrible head cold, at that point he calls his family to let them know that he will be solo because you have a terrible migraine or whatever, while you spend the day in bed, munching Christmas cookies and enjoying Netflix.
The purpose of this deception is because it is likely to offend them a lot less to have you cancel because of not feeling good that morning even if it ruins the place settings at Christmas dinner, than for you to announce a month in advance that you hate them and you are not coming. Use whatever excuse will require the least amount of lying - "thinks she has one of her headaches coming on" or "bad case of the Christmas blues and doesn't want to be a downer" or "Didn't get enough sleep last night to cope" are the right level of deception. Send gifts and your love, and anything special you can think of so they know you still love them. "She made me promise I would hug you for her," is the kind of line your spouse should be using.
If you each dodge out of meeting the other one's family you will reduce the stress on both of you and if you each support each other in this, it will make you closer and put you on the same page.
posted by Jane the Brown at 8:08 AM on October 5, 2021
Also I guess all of these responses are taking as a given that 0 percent of the other relatives involved will permit any changes to their OWN plans. Is that the case? Do the separate families hate each other/are they unable to interact peaceably?
What I'm wondering is if your husband's family is 45 minutes away from yours...can you and your husband arrange a gathering in the middle for both sides? Is there perchance a restaurant that could do a big dinner (depending on what state, the weather might even be outdoor-amenable)? Then it's one day, one gathering--you and your husband can even stay at a hotel in the central location, and just never do the back-and-forth driving at all.
If you can do a central, outdoor gathering you could posit it as "let's just try this because baby, it's covid inside" and then heck, if it's super fun, maybe it sticks.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:42 AM on October 5, 2021
What I'm wondering is if your husband's family is 45 minutes away from yours...can you and your husband arrange a gathering in the middle for both sides? Is there perchance a restaurant that could do a big dinner (depending on what state, the weather might even be outdoor-amenable)? Then it's one day, one gathering--you and your husband can even stay at a hotel in the central location, and just never do the back-and-forth driving at all.
If you can do a central, outdoor gathering you could posit it as "let's just try this because baby, it's covid inside" and then heck, if it's super fun, maybe it sticks.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:42 AM on October 5, 2021
Hello! I hate Christmas too! I won't list all the reasons why though it certainly includes travel at the busiest travel time of year and family tug-of-war with a large helping of TOO MANY PRESENTS where even could I possibly put all this stuff (I have children), and not insignificantly, the December deaths of some of my beloveds. Also I hate cooking. And all the cleaning up. Oh and it is the busiest time of year to the point of insanity at my job. And I don't care for winter weather.
Anyway. I hate Christmas too!
There's a lot of good suggestions here. My major hack has been to just give up any expectation that I will enjoy the season. Because on top of all the things that suck about it is the expectation that it is The Most Wonderful Time of the Year! Some people have allergies all spring, some people wilt in the summer heat. I don't enjoy Christmas. I evade what and can, do what I must, and remind myself I am lucky that have a life where I thoroughly enjoy most of my regular normal days.
posted by Jenny'sCricket at 4:56 AM on October 6, 2021 [1 favorite]
Anyway. I hate Christmas too!
There's a lot of good suggestions here. My major hack has been to just give up any expectation that I will enjoy the season. Because on top of all the things that suck about it is the expectation that it is The Most Wonderful Time of the Year! Some people have allergies all spring, some people wilt in the summer heat. I don't enjoy Christmas. I evade what and can, do what I must, and remind myself I am lucky that have a life where I thoroughly enjoy most of my regular normal days.
posted by Jenny'sCricket at 4:56 AM on October 6, 2021 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
(The classic solution to this is to have a couple of kids, making holiday travels unfeasible, but that is a bit of a nuclear option.)
posted by praemunire at 10:53 AM on October 4, 2021 [1 favorite]