Codependency--short and sweet resources
October 2, 2021 5:54 PM Subscribe
I'm continuing to work through my codependent habits, and after taking a break from dating for 5+ years, I did a bit of dating and am finding that I need some quick and easy go-to resources for getting my thinking back on track.
Looking for podcasts, IG accounts, websites, anything that I can quickly access and refocus my brain in moments where I'm finding myself in old thought patterns. For example, I've been seeing this person for two months and we had some plans this weekend. They had forgotten they had company coming to town so I won't be seeing them. For the first time in YEARS I am finding myself mopey, sad, etc because I won't be seeing him. It's really uncomfortable and I don't want my weekend to be ruined. I'm finding lots of other things to do, but my brain keeps going back to them.
Looking for podcasts, IG accounts, websites, anything that I can quickly access and refocus my brain in moments where I'm finding myself in old thought patterns. For example, I've been seeing this person for two months and we had some plans this weekend. They had forgotten they had company coming to town so I won't be seeing them. For the first time in YEARS I am finding myself mopey, sad, etc because I won't be seeing him. It's really uncomfortable and I don't want my weekend to be ruined. I'm finding lots of other things to do, but my brain keeps going back to them.
Best answer: Are you sad because you don’t get to see him, or because part of you doesn’t trust him or the scenario (eg you’re having thoughts that he’ll cheat, or isn’t really interested)? Unless you tell us otherwise, I’m going to assume something like the latter because you did mention codependency.
Being single is SO much easier than navigating these moments, especially if life has given you reasons to mistrust, feel insecure etc :/ it’s world rocking to suddenly be vulnerable again, and no longer perfectly controlled and contained. And it’s part of life (because it’s mostly worth it to benefit from companionship, connectedness, understanding, laughs, and all that good stuff).
Try to have compassion for yourself for having worried thoughts (because history, if history applies). Then, revisit reasons to trust him, with concrete examples. And then try to remember that even in the worst case scenario where there are reasons to be mistrustful, it’s ok, because you survived losses before, which means you can do it again. And in that case, you’d be free to meet someone who’s a better match. Or maybe not, but at least you’d be free from perturbation. So - deep breath - ultimately, it’ll work or it won’t, and you’ll still be ok, it’ll be ok.
That’s how I’d logic myself out of it. For nerves, exercise is great, also talking to a friend.
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:04 PM on October 2, 2021
Being single is SO much easier than navigating these moments, especially if life has given you reasons to mistrust, feel insecure etc :/ it’s world rocking to suddenly be vulnerable again, and no longer perfectly controlled and contained. And it’s part of life (because it’s mostly worth it to benefit from companionship, connectedness, understanding, laughs, and all that good stuff).
Try to have compassion for yourself for having worried thoughts (because history, if history applies). Then, revisit reasons to trust him, with concrete examples. And then try to remember that even in the worst case scenario where there are reasons to be mistrustful, it’s ok, because you survived losses before, which means you can do it again. And in that case, you’d be free to meet someone who’s a better match. Or maybe not, but at least you’d be free from perturbation. So - deep breath - ultimately, it’ll work or it won’t, and you’ll still be ok, it’ll be ok.
That’s how I’d logic myself out of it. For nerves, exercise is great, also talking to a friend.
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:04 PM on October 2, 2021
Best answer: I like autogenics. It's a very simple routine that relaxes you physically and mentally. You can memorize the steps, or record them on your phone, and practice them anywhere.
But also, don't be too quick to dismiss any of your reactions to what just happened. Someone cancelling weekend plans like that is disrupting. I don't know how close to the weekend they cancelled or how they did it. Did they do it in such a way as to suggest they might be unreliable in the future? It's really common for some cracks to appear in the surface at precisely this stage in dating. Maybe you're not overly anxious; maybe you're just noticing something you want to pay attention to.
posted by BibiRose at 6:32 AM on October 3, 2021 [2 favorites]
But also, don't be too quick to dismiss any of your reactions to what just happened. Someone cancelling weekend plans like that is disrupting. I don't know how close to the weekend they cancelled or how they did it. Did they do it in such a way as to suggest they might be unreliable in the future? It's really common for some cracks to appear in the surface at precisely this stage in dating. Maybe you're not overly anxious; maybe you're just noticing something you want to pay attention to.
posted by BibiRose at 6:32 AM on October 3, 2021 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you all. This all fits so well. There is no reason to mistrust them; I'm struggling with not being ok not seeing them leading to feelings of being unwanted. I really appreciate your insights and feedback, it truly is helpful!!
posted by retrofitted at 9:03 AM on October 4, 2021 [3 favorites]
posted by retrofitted at 9:03 AM on October 4, 2021 [3 favorites]
I've found this book very helpful for my codependency issues: You Are The One You've Been Waiting For
posted by joeyjoejoejr at 7:01 AM on October 9, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by joeyjoejoejr at 7:01 AM on October 9, 2021 [1 favorite]
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