Yell embarrassing things at my wife!
October 1, 2021 3:19 AM   Subscribe

About one day a week I have an opportunity to embarrass my wife (she walks home from work right under our balcony and I wait for her).

Unfortunately, besides yelling "damn girl!" My creativity is a little limited when it comes to what I can yell at her to embarrass her. Nobody else is around, but someone could Be around. Hence the embarrassment.

What else can I yell? Nothing is off limits! (Though, while she knows it a joke I'd prefer funny jokes not mean jokes
posted by bbqturtle to Grab Bag (43 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
But soft! What light up yonder pavement walks
It is the east, and $her_name is the sun!
Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon
Who is already sick and pale with grief
That thou her maid art far more fair than she... etc

Works best if the moon is already out & she's approaching you from the east, I guess?
posted by rd45 at 3:39 AM on October 1, 2021 [14 favorites]

"I baked a chocolate cake and made roast and broccoli for dinner!"

"You have never seen our home this clean before!"
posted by amtho at 3:42 AM on October 1, 2021 [23 favorites]

"I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries.”
and other Python quotes
posted by Thella at 3:45 AM on October 1, 2021 [12 favorites]

About one day a week I have an opportunity to embarrass my wife

I am also firmly on team "maybe don't?" here.

Can != must.
posted by flabdablet at 4:24 AM on October 1, 2021 [55 favorites]

A kazoo and biodegradable confetti.
(search cornflower or petal confetti)
posted by phunniemee at 4:34 AM on October 1, 2021 [4 favorites]

If you are going to do this, do something more like the dude in this video, where every day he wears a goofy costume to embarrass his little brother as he gets off the school bus. Not only is it not mean in any way, the embarrassment is from being seen in public with the costumes, not making fun of anyone, not making a joke which might or might not land, not pointing the laughter at the other person.

I'm not saying you need to wear costumes (though that would be a great way to welcome her home), but that you should find a way to focus the embarrassment on yourself and bring her into the joke, rather than being the person who embarrasses her.
posted by Dip Flash at 4:58 AM on October 1, 2021 [11 favorites]

I can't come up with anything right now because I'm at work but just wanted to say that I'm jealous. This is what life is all about. I mean it. This is love.
posted by marimeko at 5:09 AM on October 1, 2021 [9 favorites]

Response by poster: Yeah, to respond to concern - I realize now how this must come off! It's in good fun and we both laugh and hug after! She responds in kind when the roles are reversed. Mostly we are just happy to see each other after both of us have a stressful day. I just need a boost to my creativity for our little game!

Keep the ideas coming. I love the "I have a roast on " one as a subversion as well :)
posted by bbqturtle at 5:19 AM on October 1, 2021 [4 favorites]

"Hurry up, my wife's about to get home!"
posted by SaltySalticid at 5:21 AM on October 1, 2021 [43 favorites]

Oh look! it's Lady Godiva where's your horse?

Why are you walking? Are your wings broken?

Stroll out wrapped up in a fitted sheet... Help! I tried to fold it....

Yell out a knock-knock joke.

Try out non-horrible pickup lines.

It's flirting which is like the verbal equivalent to a poke or a hip-bump and a bit of Public Display of Affection and shows desire and steadfast longing to always want to try to be there then they come back and let them know that you missed them and thought of them and blah blah blah.
posted by zengargoyle at 5:25 AM on October 1, 2021 [4 favorites]

If you're up for a little balcony karaoke:
Pretty Woman
Walk This Way
Hallelujah Chorus
Girl from Ipanema
posted by meinvt at 6:06 AM on October 1, 2021 [6 favorites]

"My embezzlement trial is going very well!"
posted by LionIndex at 6:10 AM on October 1, 2021 [6 favorites]

"Please hurry, I forgot how the plunger works!"
posted by LionIndex at 6:13 AM on October 1, 2021 [15 favorites]

If you're up for a little balcony karaoke:

Can't Take My Eyes Off You (especially if she likes the Heath Ledger scene)

You could always drop some marionettes down to have a conversation, or unfurl a welcome banner on her approach.
posted by trig at 6:18 AM on October 1, 2021 [7 favorites]

One can order 100 rubber bouncing balls, or 20 parachute toy soldiers for $10 on aliexpress.
posted by eotvos at 6:43 AM on October 1, 2021 [3 favorites]

Honey, I shrunk the kids!
posted by effluvia at 6:46 AM on October 1, 2021 [2 favorites]

Exotic menu items for dinner
Exotic cocktail prepared for her
Exotic desserts
Odd television shows or movies cued for the evening viewing
posted by effluvia at 6:50 AM on October 1, 2021

Sing "Two Tickets to Paradise"
posted by effluvia at 6:52 AM on October 1, 2021 [1 favorite]

Write an acrostic poem using the letters in her name. Her whole name. Make it super-sweet but awkwardly long.

Read old English love poems loudly and passionately. The more antiquated the language, the better.
posted by Ufez Jones at 7:02 AM on October 1, 2021

do a little Day Bow Bow
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 7:11 AM on October 1, 2021

Cheesy pick-up lines are what you should be yelling, of the "hey baby, are you a parking ticket? Because you've got "fine" written all over you" variety. Silly enough to be obviously in fun to any passers-by, not gross, non-specific compliments to her appearance. There are many lists of these on the internet.
posted by Frowner at 7:26 AM on October 1, 2021 [16 favorites]

Making fun of yourself is key here.

"Honey, I've locked the balcony door again"
"Umm, so about that monkey I said I wouldn't buy?"

Or something just a bit silly like, "Huh, if you're there, who's in the shower?"
posted by knapah at 7:39 AM on October 1, 2021 [11 favorites]

Colored chalk + sidewalk messages!

(This because I startle easily, so I would kind of cringe at the idea of being yelled at, even by my beloved. And as a neighbor it might become confusing/intrusive.)
posted by dum spiro spero at 7:48 AM on October 1, 2021 [2 favorites]

Serenade her. Or if your singing voice isn't your strongest that scene with John Cusack and the boombox her.
posted by wwax at 8:45 AM on October 1, 2021 [2 favorites]

Like Frowner, I’d go for sweetly flirty/flattery for this kind of thing. My own parents were pretty fond of an old-timey “Hubba hubba!” It was pretty cute.
posted by mochapickle at 8:46 AM on October 1, 2021 [5 favorites]

"Oh Dear God! Karen, hide! My wife is home!"

"Oh Dear God! Michael, hide! My wife is home!"

Memorize and recite suitable passages from "The Highwayman":

"...Over the cobbles he clattered and clashed in the dark inn-yard.
He tapped with his whip on the shutters, but all was locked and barred.
He whistled a tune to the window, and who should be waiting there
But the landlord’s black-eyed daughter,
Bess, the landlord’s daughter,
Plaiting a dark red love-knot into her long black hair..." Simper like Bess.

Drop a rope ladder made out of sheets and then drop a valise.

Sing "Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Old Oak Tree"

"Name of your local penitentary said you wouldn't be released until Friday!"

"Honey, come on in and take your pants off... WAIT! You're not the regular milkman!"

"Brave Sir Knight, Pray wear this favour as you fight and I shall know thou loveth me" Drop scarf or handkerchief

Wear a wig with an enormous long braid and drop the end of it "Oh Damn, it's not long enough!"

Drop water balloon "Gotcha!"

Drop confetti balloon "Gotcha!"

Drop helium balloon, tethered on very long fish line. "Missed!"

Show up in helmet, carrying a shield and shout your defiance: "You will never breach these walls!"

Refuse to let her in unless she answers a riddle

Wolf whistle and "Get a load of those gams!"

"Hey sailor, Looking for a good time?"
posted by Jane the Brown at 8:56 AM on October 1, 2021 [2 favorites]

I escaped - Don't pay the randsom!
posted by Colonel Sun at 9:20 AM on October 1, 2021

"Good news! Your new vibrator arrived from Amazon!"

...or change "your vibrator" to" my masturbation sleeve" or some other sex toy.
posted by Leontine at 9:57 AM on October 1, 2021

I like non-appearance-based compliments for this. "Dang, lady, you got a fine personality." "ooh honey, I love the way you fix my bike" etc.
posted by momus_window at 10:05 AM on October 1, 2021 [9 favorites]

(Feigned shock and surprise) “…..[Name]? [NAME] is that YOU? THEY TOLD ME YOU’D NEVER RETURN!” (Fake Victorian-era dramatic fainting)


“Honey, a bee bit my bottom. Now my bottom’s big!” (Then turn around, pants up, and shake your booty)

Just wear a unitard and act like nothing is amiss

Blast “God Save the Queen” or 1812 Overture as she arrives
posted by glaucon at 10:11 AM on October 1, 2021 [2 favorites]

-Wear an overly ridiculous outfit covered in the American flag and blast “I Am A Real American”
posted by glaucon at 10:27 AM on October 1, 2021 [1 favorite]

" I'm so glad you're home. I've been trying to reach you about your car's extended warranty"

"The Donner Party arrived. It's almost time to eat!"

"Sorry, Ed McMahon was just here with a bunch of balloons but I told him you weren't home"
posted by tafetta, darling! at 11:26 AM on October 1, 2021 [3 favorites]

Play “Ruffles and Flourishes” and then “Hail to the Chief.”
posted by jgirl at 11:50 AM on October 1, 2021

Now you finally have a reason to learn the guitar.
posted by amtho at 1:10 PM on October 1, 2021 [3 favorites]

bluetooth speaker behind you, cheap instrument to whoch you mime as you play along.

the roadmap grows: develop the mime with songs that start out solo before more instruments break out in the song, then songs with intro's that don't use the instrument you're miming, then a mannequin that's not even you, then you dance with the mannequin and do the "my wife's coming" home jokes then you've done actual lessons to play that guitar, then you mime to guitar shredding, then you ...

well tbh you have to publish the plan and subvert all of it, hiring actors to play you, borrowing a balcony down a floor/across the street. nb: moving house and playing the prank in another state might really challenge your organisational skills at the cost of missing your intended audience.
posted by k3ninho at 1:59 PM on October 1, 2021

Oh my god!
Ohhhh myyyyy goddddd!
Ohhhhhhhh myyyyyyyy godddddd!
You are SO amazinggggg!

(in increasingly higher-pitched and longer intonations, in the vein of an over-the-top, excitable teenager)
posted by dngrangl at 4:19 PM on October 1, 2021 [2 favorites]

Hachi machi
posted by potrzebie at 5:31 PM on October 1, 2021

I am in LOVE with you!
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 6:46 PM on October 1, 2021

"Honey! Good news about the threesome! Your mom's into it!"
posted by Paul Slade at 12:40 AM on October 2, 2021 [2 favorites]


We have a winner.
posted by Paul Slade at 12:46 AM on October 2, 2021

I like “Meow” as another version of “hubbba Hubba.”
I like the imagery of you wearing a goofy hat or costume each night or doing a different dance each time. That would make me laugh. If you had an instrument you could play, that would be great, especially if she doesn’t know you play it. Like look honey, I play the saxophone!
posted by areaperson at 7:02 AM on October 2, 2021 [2 favorites]

« Older Replacing a car stereo by myself   |   [uk] Car MOT about to run out, should I get it... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.