Coping with extremely limited options for future
July 8, 2021 10:48 AM Subscribe
I am a single 61-year-old woman and looking down the shortish barrel of the rest of my life. My income is quite low and will not be changing, I have chronic, progressive illnesses, and I basically can't afford to live here.
For the last 3 years I have been exhaustively researching housing options. I don't think there are any fixes, but I need help coping with the realization that I don't actually have any control over my larger life situation and how to come to some sort of peace so I'm not constantly at a high level of stress and anxiety.
I am single and rent an apartment in a very high cost-of-living area. I can afford this apartment only because I'm paying almost the same rent as when I first moved here 11 years ago, and I have a roommate and my disabled adult son also pays some rent. I hate this apartment; I was forced into this move under very bad circumstances. It's a huge, 2 floor, 9 room apartment, and it's ugly and falling apart and has a million stairs and a crappy, unresponsive landlord. I would dearly love a very small 1 or 2 bedroom apartment, but even a place half this size would cost at least 25% more. And I wouldn't have the space for a paying roommate. I hate having to have a roommate at this stage of my life and want to live on my own, or with my son as long as he needs to.
I make about 65% of my local AMI, only just enough to pay my bills, and deal with my own student loans (I earned my bachelors only 5 years ago) and some credit card debt, but almost nothing left over for savings. I rarely take vacations or travel, will drive my 2012 car into the ground, and spend only the minimum on clothes and house stuff.
My job record is not great. Before I got my bachelors I wasn't ever able to find work that paid very much or was at all fulfilling. I had long periods of not working, either because I was home raising my children (while I was married), or because of severe depression. So I've never held a job longer than 3 years; I've moved from entry-level job to entry-level job, never staying long enough to be promoted or expand my skills. I now work at an entry-level job that's OK. I loved it before the pandemic, but working from home is killing me with the lack of social contacts which were what kept me tolerating the boring, tedious part of my job. The one hope was that if my job could stay remote I might consider moving much further out where housing is less expensive, but I've been told I have to go back in September for at least 4 days in the office. By the way, I do feel very, very lucky to have a job with my history and the current state of employment in this country.
Because of my historical lack of opportunity for skills-building and exploration I feel really stuck about other job opportunities. I simply don't know what I could do that's not just another entry-level job. I very much don't want to leave my current employer; they provide good benefits and I really like the culture here (higher ed). The idea of starting a job search sounds terrifying and impossible, because of my age and my not-great job record. I have tried adding a 2nd job, but my health and my depression (being treated btw) deplete all my spoons and I just feel unable to add more work.
I have developed some chronic health issues over the years which are progressive and irreversible. I feel like I'll be very lucky if I have another 10 years of work left to me, but I have to prepare for the possibility of much fewer. I have 3 1/2 years worth of contributions to my 403(b), just a few thousand dollars. I contribute as much as I can afford, and my employer just started contributing. I have about $7K in savings and find it very difficult to add to it.
I wrote in several months ago for suggestions for financial counselors. I got some great resources from you all, and had meetings with 3 different people, all with the same result: I'm kinda screwed. One of the advisers specialized in affordable housing, and she confirmed what I had found out on my own: my income level is too low to afford even moderate level affordable housing costs, but I make just a little too much to qualify for what I could actually afford. This applies to affordable rental housing as well.
A couple of years ago I applied to public housing in anticipation of the time when I need to stop working, as waiting lists are 10 to 12 years. But my application was rejected because I make too much now. I explained that when I need to stop working all I will have are my social security and my teeny-tiny pension. But they said I need to wait until I'm not working to apply. And then wait another 10 years or longer.
I have no hope of my income changing at all significantly in the future. I will probably get the standard 2.5% raise every year, but no more. I won't be inheriting anything from relatives: my mother is in a public nursing home for dementia, and my father and I are estranged.
By the way, relocation to a less expensive area is not an option: my adult children are here and I don't want to leave them (especially my son who depends on me as his chief support), I don't have any connections in other areas, and the idea of looking for another job feels untenable (see above).
I think I have exhausted all the options available to me. But I feel consumed by stress and worry and frustration that there seems to be nothing else available to me and that I seem to have no control over my life. Can you suggest ways for me to perhaps reframe this or come to some kind of peace?
For the last 3 years I have been exhaustively researching housing options. I don't think there are any fixes, but I need help coping with the realization that I don't actually have any control over my larger life situation and how to come to some sort of peace so I'm not constantly at a high level of stress and anxiety.
I am single and rent an apartment in a very high cost-of-living area. I can afford this apartment only because I'm paying almost the same rent as when I first moved here 11 years ago, and I have a roommate and my disabled adult son also pays some rent. I hate this apartment; I was forced into this move under very bad circumstances. It's a huge, 2 floor, 9 room apartment, and it's ugly and falling apart and has a million stairs and a crappy, unresponsive landlord. I would dearly love a very small 1 or 2 bedroom apartment, but even a place half this size would cost at least 25% more. And I wouldn't have the space for a paying roommate. I hate having to have a roommate at this stage of my life and want to live on my own, or with my son as long as he needs to.
I make about 65% of my local AMI, only just enough to pay my bills, and deal with my own student loans (I earned my bachelors only 5 years ago) and some credit card debt, but almost nothing left over for savings. I rarely take vacations or travel, will drive my 2012 car into the ground, and spend only the minimum on clothes and house stuff.
My job record is not great. Before I got my bachelors I wasn't ever able to find work that paid very much or was at all fulfilling. I had long periods of not working, either because I was home raising my children (while I was married), or because of severe depression. So I've never held a job longer than 3 years; I've moved from entry-level job to entry-level job, never staying long enough to be promoted or expand my skills. I now work at an entry-level job that's OK. I loved it before the pandemic, but working from home is killing me with the lack of social contacts which were what kept me tolerating the boring, tedious part of my job. The one hope was that if my job could stay remote I might consider moving much further out where housing is less expensive, but I've been told I have to go back in September for at least 4 days in the office. By the way, I do feel very, very lucky to have a job with my history and the current state of employment in this country.
Because of my historical lack of opportunity for skills-building and exploration I feel really stuck about other job opportunities. I simply don't know what I could do that's not just another entry-level job. I very much don't want to leave my current employer; they provide good benefits and I really like the culture here (higher ed). The idea of starting a job search sounds terrifying and impossible, because of my age and my not-great job record. I have tried adding a 2nd job, but my health and my depression (being treated btw) deplete all my spoons and I just feel unable to add more work.
I have developed some chronic health issues over the years which are progressive and irreversible. I feel like I'll be very lucky if I have another 10 years of work left to me, but I have to prepare for the possibility of much fewer. I have 3 1/2 years worth of contributions to my 403(b), just a few thousand dollars. I contribute as much as I can afford, and my employer just started contributing. I have about $7K in savings and find it very difficult to add to it.
I wrote in several months ago for suggestions for financial counselors. I got some great resources from you all, and had meetings with 3 different people, all with the same result: I'm kinda screwed. One of the advisers specialized in affordable housing, and she confirmed what I had found out on my own: my income level is too low to afford even moderate level affordable housing costs, but I make just a little too much to qualify for what I could actually afford. This applies to affordable rental housing as well.
A couple of years ago I applied to public housing in anticipation of the time when I need to stop working, as waiting lists are 10 to 12 years. But my application was rejected because I make too much now. I explained that when I need to stop working all I will have are my social security and my teeny-tiny pension. But they said I need to wait until I'm not working to apply. And then wait another 10 years or longer.
I have no hope of my income changing at all significantly in the future. I will probably get the standard 2.5% raise every year, but no more. I won't be inheriting anything from relatives: my mother is in a public nursing home for dementia, and my father and I are estranged.
By the way, relocation to a less expensive area is not an option: my adult children are here and I don't want to leave them (especially my son who depends on me as his chief support), I don't have any connections in other areas, and the idea of looking for another job feels untenable (see above).
I think I have exhausted all the options available to me. But I feel consumed by stress and worry and frustration that there seems to be nothing else available to me and that I seem to have no control over my life. Can you suggest ways for me to perhaps reframe this or come to some kind of peace?
It may not help in the short term, but does your landlord have any other properties that you could trade into for the same rate? You say he is crappy, but he's let you keep a low rate in a rising market, so he's not that bad.
Jobwise, if I were you, I'd stick with this job a bit longer, (1-2 years) and then move on to try to get a better job. You'll have been there about 4-5 years by then right? That's plenty stable.
Then since you are 63 and only about 5 years of work left, go for the highest salary.
Can your son get a better job or take the lead on finding a better apartment? How about your roommate? Don't be so hard on your non-traditional living arrangement, having a roommate in olden age is not that bad, can be as good as being married but without the financial entanglements. Do you netflix? Grace and Frankie is a comedy about two women older than you living together - maybe it'll make you laugh occasionally.
posted by The_Vegetables at 11:10 AM on July 8, 2021 [4 favorites]
Jobwise, if I were you, I'd stick with this job a bit longer, (1-2 years) and then move on to try to get a better job. You'll have been there about 4-5 years by then right? That's plenty stable.
Then since you are 63 and only about 5 years of work left, go for the highest salary.
Can your son get a better job or take the lead on finding a better apartment? How about your roommate? Don't be so hard on your non-traditional living arrangement, having a roommate in olden age is not that bad, can be as good as being married but without the financial entanglements. Do you netflix? Grace and Frankie is a comedy about two women older than you living together - maybe it'll make you laugh occasionally.
posted by The_Vegetables at 11:10 AM on July 8, 2021 [4 favorites]
Maybe a different way to gather info would be a consultation with an eldercare advisor -- even though yes, you are on the young side.
We did this for my mother-in-law when it was clear she was going to have to change her living situation. The advisor did cost several hundred dollars (maybe $600ish? I forget) but the information we gained saved us thousands and thousands over the course of the end of m-i-l's life. For example, the advisor said, "She's earning a hair too much to qualify for XYZ benefit, but you can adjust ABC so that earning will go down, and now she will qualify." The advisor knew how to access in-home care and basically every state-run benefit. (YMMV; this was in a mid-sized city in central California.)
posted by BlahLaLa at 11:15 AM on July 8, 2021 [10 favorites]
We did this for my mother-in-law when it was clear she was going to have to change her living situation. The advisor did cost several hundred dollars (maybe $600ish? I forget) but the information we gained saved us thousands and thousands over the course of the end of m-i-l's life. For example, the advisor said, "She's earning a hair too much to qualify for XYZ benefit, but you can adjust ABC so that earning will go down, and now she will qualify." The advisor knew how to access in-home care and basically every state-run benefit. (YMMV; this was in a mid-sized city in central California.)
posted by BlahLaLa at 11:15 AM on July 8, 2021 [10 favorites]
There was a time that my parents were in a situation where they really needed help and just support, our entire family has a fierce sense of independence that can lead to lack of asking for help or support. It would've helped both of us had I been more aware before it bubbled over in that case.
That may not apply to you but you mention having another adult son - is he fully aware of your difficulty? If not is it possible to share this and potentially lean on him for support more (financial or otherwise)?
posted by artificialard at 11:26 AM on July 8, 2021 [3 favorites]
That may not apply to you but you mention having another adult son - is he fully aware of your difficulty? If not is it possible to share this and potentially lean on him for support more (financial or otherwise)?
posted by artificialard at 11:26 AM on July 8, 2021 [3 favorites]
I have no hope of my income changing at all significantly in the future.
Are you sure? Entry-level jobs in higher ed admin tend to open up to advancement. It sounds like you're doing well in this job, and so if you've already been there a couple of years it would be worth talking with your boss to see what avenues of growth there might be for you (if you haven't already). Women are socialized to not do this, but often it really is the squeaky wheel that gets the grease. It might not be in your current department/office, but university jobs often favor internal hires. And if there is no room for growth at your current institution, than it can't hurt to apply (once you've built up experience in the current job) to more advances positions at other nearby higher ed institutions. Agism exists, but I'm in higher ed, and have known a number of older people who got hired for admin positions (who came from other higher ed admin jobs).
As for the housing, are there any low-cost ways you might make the apartment less "ugly"? Would a new coat of paint in a few rooms make a difference? I've had landlords pay for the cost of the paint before (provided they approved of the color). Would a friend or one of your children or roommate be able to help you paint? It really can make a big difference in an apartment that feels dingy. Relatedly, I enjoy browsing https://www.reddit.com/r/DesignMyRoom/ - people post photos of whatever space they want to change (with a range of budgets), people offer advice.
posted by coffeecat at 11:39 AM on July 8, 2021 [12 favorites]
Are you sure? Entry-level jobs in higher ed admin tend to open up to advancement. It sounds like you're doing well in this job, and so if you've already been there a couple of years it would be worth talking with your boss to see what avenues of growth there might be for you (if you haven't already). Women are socialized to not do this, but often it really is the squeaky wheel that gets the grease. It might not be in your current department/office, but university jobs often favor internal hires. And if there is no room for growth at your current institution, than it can't hurt to apply (once you've built up experience in the current job) to more advances positions at other nearby higher ed institutions. Agism exists, but I'm in higher ed, and have known a number of older people who got hired for admin positions (who came from other higher ed admin jobs).
As for the housing, are there any low-cost ways you might make the apartment less "ugly"? Would a new coat of paint in a few rooms make a difference? I've had landlords pay for the cost of the paint before (provided they approved of the color). Would a friend or one of your children or roommate be able to help you paint? It really can make a big difference in an apartment that feels dingy. Relatedly, I enjoy browsing https://www.reddit.com/r/DesignMyRoom/ - people post photos of whatever space they want to change (with a range of budgets), people offer advice.
posted by coffeecat at 11:39 AM on July 8, 2021 [12 favorites]
In most communities there is low-cost Federally subsidized housing that is intended for people who cannot otherwise afford housing, and nonprofits that arrange for that housing, often with a name like Community Action Agency. Investigate in that direction.
posted by yclipse at 11:51 AM on July 8, 2021 [2 favorites]
posted by yclipse at 11:51 AM on July 8, 2021 [2 favorites]
Would it work to reduce your hours a bit to reduce your income and qualify for affordable housing? You could frame it to your supervisor as related to health conditions, maybe?
Is it likely your son will want to continue to live with you long term? I think continuing to figure out how to access benefits for you and possibly him could be worthwhile depending on who the advisors you talked to are working for (and three isn’t a huge number). Have you tried your employee assistance program or healthcare provider for referrals? Done a search of nonprofits that might help? Can you get other kinds of assistance that would make a difference in your budget (food stamps, discounted transit, utility assistance)? I apologize if you’ve already tried these, accessing these systems requires a lot of persistence and self-advocacy, which is unfair when you’re already dealing with a lot. If you have any connections in similar situations (neighbors?) they may have tips.
posted by momus_window at 12:00 PM on July 8, 2021 [6 favorites]
Is it likely your son will want to continue to live with you long term? I think continuing to figure out how to access benefits for you and possibly him could be worthwhile depending on who the advisors you talked to are working for (and three isn’t a huge number). Have you tried your employee assistance program or healthcare provider for referrals? Done a search of nonprofits that might help? Can you get other kinds of assistance that would make a difference in your budget (food stamps, discounted transit, utility assistance)? I apologize if you’ve already tried these, accessing these systems requires a lot of persistence and self-advocacy, which is unfair when you’re already dealing with a lot. If you have any connections in similar situations (neighbors?) they may have tips.
posted by momus_window at 12:00 PM on July 8, 2021 [6 favorites]
I make about 65% of my local AMI, only just enough to pay my bills, and deal with my own student loans
This has probably already come up, but, just in case it hasn't, you should look into getting onto income-based repayment for your federal student loans. It may not drastically change your payment amount, but you're at the level where every few dollars help. Wishing you the best.
posted by praemunire at 2:33 PM on July 8, 2021 [5 favorites]
This has probably already come up, but, just in case it hasn't, you should look into getting onto income-based repayment for your federal student loans. It may not drastically change your payment amount, but you're at the level where every few dollars help. Wishing you the best.
posted by praemunire at 2:33 PM on July 8, 2021 [5 favorites]
You sound really down -- enough to make me wonder if depression is coloring how your view of your situation. I'm glad you are getting treated. I'm curious about what happened that brought you to post this question today? Is there a more recent situation that feels like the "straw that broke the camel's back"? It could be worth examining.
I wonder if your PCP or your therapist or psychiatrist could connect you to a case manager who could assist with navigating the system?
Could you move to somewhere less centrally located to get a smaller apartment at roughly the same amount that you are paying now?
What kind of benefits might your son qualify for? Can he work at all? Mass Rehab might be able to assist with this.
posted by gemutlichkeit at 3:14 PM on July 8, 2021 [3 favorites]
I wonder if your PCP or your therapist or psychiatrist could connect you to a case manager who could assist with navigating the system?
Could you move to somewhere less centrally located to get a smaller apartment at roughly the same amount that you are paying now?
What kind of benefits might your son qualify for? Can he work at all? Mass Rehab might be able to assist with this.
posted by gemutlichkeit at 3:14 PM on July 8, 2021 [3 favorites]
Depending on where you are could you look into getting a public job with a pension?
posted by sepviva at 3:40 PM on July 8, 2021
posted by sepviva at 3:40 PM on July 8, 2021
This sounds so stressful; I'm really sorry you're going through it.
It's heartening to hear that you work in higher ed, as most (though not all) colleges and universities tend to provide good job stability and staff support. My institution has something called the Disability Resources Center, which can help employees with physical or mental health concerns to navigate their job. You might be able to get accommodations for times when you're in poor health, or find ways to work longer than you planned with their support. Definitely something to look into; my guess is that a lot of institutions have something similar.
posted by leftover_scrabble_rack at 4:10 PM on July 8, 2021 [3 favorites]
It's heartening to hear that you work in higher ed, as most (though not all) colleges and universities tend to provide good job stability and staff support. My institution has something called the Disability Resources Center, which can help employees with physical or mental health concerns to navigate their job. You might be able to get accommodations for times when you're in poor health, or find ways to work longer than you planned with their support. Definitely something to look into; my guess is that a lot of institutions have something similar.
posted by leftover_scrabble_rack at 4:10 PM on July 8, 2021 [3 favorites]
As someone mentioned above you should look into income-based student loan repayment. If you work at a public or non-profit university you should also look into Public Service Loan Forgiveness. Another thing to consider is that if you're in an income-based student loan repayment program any before-tax money you put into a retirement account is not counted as income when they figure out how much you should pay every month. I discovered this on my own, I started in a higher ed job at 59 and stayed for 11 years. I retired after my student loans were forgiven, by which point I'd also accumulated some money in a retirement account.
A couple of other things: if you were married for ten years or more the amount you'll get on social security will be based either on your income or your ex-husband's. If he worked way more years than you did and earned more money, you will benefit from that.
And, if your son is disabled you should qualify for subsidized housing for the two of you, you're a family of two and he depends on you for care- physical and/or emotional. Is he on disability, does he get SSI or SSDI? Does he have a caseworker who might be able to help both of you find more affordable decent housing?
posted by mareli at 6:09 PM on July 8, 2021 [4 favorites]
A couple of other things: if you were married for ten years or more the amount you'll get on social security will be based either on your income or your ex-husband's. If he worked way more years than you did and earned more money, you will benefit from that.
And, if your son is disabled you should qualify for subsidized housing for the two of you, you're a family of two and he depends on you for care- physical and/or emotional. Is he on disability, does he get SSI or SSDI? Does he have a caseworker who might be able to help both of you find more affordable decent housing?
posted by mareli at 6:09 PM on July 8, 2021 [4 favorites]
Does your current bank/ credit union meet your needs? The less you pay in banking fees, the more money stays in your pocket. I bring this option to your attention, because it is low hanging fruit that you may actually have control over.
posted by oceano at 9:21 PM on July 8, 2021
posted by oceano at 9:21 PM on July 8, 2021
If you’ve worked in higher ed for three and a half years then you should start looking for a similar position at another institution in a lower cost of living area and bring your disabled son with you. A new job always brings an opportunity for a jump in salary, and combined with lower costs, you could change your situation significantly. Set up an alert in the jobs section of the Chronicle of Higher Ed and apply for anything that sounds like it would pay more. Don’t be shy. At my institution we are getting surprisingly thin results from job postings. Like, no internal candidates at all and maybe one that meets minimum qualifications. Let them tell you no—don’t do it for them!
posted by HotToddy at 9:50 PM on July 8, 2021
posted by HotToddy at 9:50 PM on July 8, 2021
Best answer: For the last 3 years I have been exhaustively researching housing options.
I’m gonna take you at your word that you have done all the research you can and discovered that you are in a sucky situation with no easy solution and the future looks grim.
California was too expensive for me and I had to leave. A friend of mine, who is older than you, still lives in San Francisco and also cannot afford to be there. This is what we both do to deal with stress: gratitude lists, meditation, and exercise to the extent allowed by our health.
I’m so sorry you are in this situation. I suspect that your mood will improve once you get back in the office and get to be social again. Many people who have not been poor do not understand that some challenging situations don’t have solutions. You just have to learn to accept them and hope that at some point there may be an unexpected opportunity for a higher paying job or a lowered priced apartment.
Honestly, I think you deserve kudos for your realism. You’ve worked to the best of your ability. You have chronic conditions that affect your ability to work. You’ve seen financial professionals to get advice. Now you’re attempting to accept the reality of your situation. That is both wise and brave. For me, accepting reality includes noticing every day at least one thing that does not suck and trying to acknowledge that and feel grateful for it.
I wish I had better advice for you. Sometimes, all we can do is to try to change our attitude about our situation. I’ve had borders, it was not fun. It was better than being on the street but it was not enjoyable. So I feel you hard, and I wish you all the best.
posted by Bella Donna at 1:43 AM on July 9, 2021 [7 favorites]
I’m gonna take you at your word that you have done all the research you can and discovered that you are in a sucky situation with no easy solution and the future looks grim.
California was too expensive for me and I had to leave. A friend of mine, who is older than you, still lives in San Francisco and also cannot afford to be there. This is what we both do to deal with stress: gratitude lists, meditation, and exercise to the extent allowed by our health.
I’m so sorry you are in this situation. I suspect that your mood will improve once you get back in the office and get to be social again. Many people who have not been poor do not understand that some challenging situations don’t have solutions. You just have to learn to accept them and hope that at some point there may be an unexpected opportunity for a higher paying job or a lowered priced apartment.
Honestly, I think you deserve kudos for your realism. You’ve worked to the best of your ability. You have chronic conditions that affect your ability to work. You’ve seen financial professionals to get advice. Now you’re attempting to accept the reality of your situation. That is both wise and brave. For me, accepting reality includes noticing every day at least one thing that does not suck and trying to acknowledge that and feel grateful for it.
I wish I had better advice for you. Sometimes, all we can do is to try to change our attitude about our situation. I’ve had borders, it was not fun. It was better than being on the street but it was not enjoyable. So I feel you hard, and I wish you all the best.
posted by Bella Donna at 1:43 AM on July 9, 2021 [7 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by amtho at 10:59 AM on July 8, 2021 [2 favorites]