How can I handle my intense feelings in a difficult situation?

May 29, 2021 1:42 PM

I have an upcoming surgery on Thursday, just had some kind of viral illness and a COVID scare, and the whole situation has made what was already going to be a very stressful week much worse. I'm having a difficult time handling all of my emotions right now. What can I do to avoid spiraling, make this time more manageable, and make the best of the remaining time I have?

I'm having a prophylactic mastectomy on Thursday due to a BRCA1 gene mutation. That decision has been really difficult but I came to it a long time ago. Before then, I've had to work really hard over the past month to do everything that I can ahead of time since I'm one of only a few people at my work, we're understaffed, and there are a lot of things that only I know about. I've never worked this much in my life. Afterwards, I'll have a difficult period of surgery recovery then going right back into a lot of work three weeks later (when to be honest I will still have lots of recovering to do).

I had planned to see friends this weekend and spend more time with my partner, but then this past week I developed what seems to have been a non-COVID virus. I had a negative COVID test, and mostly am feeling better now, but I had to go to the ER at 1 in the morning, it meant I've been alone for the past week, I missed out on a bunch of social events, and I lost more time to finish work.

I think because this experience feels like it took away of a lot of what was going to make this last week manageable, as well as being stressful in itself in risking having COVID and postponing the surgery, and making the work situation even more difficult, I've become much, much more emotionally distressed about the whole situation and am having a hard time handling it. My emotional reactions to things right now are very disproportionate. Anything that is making me feel like this week was not going how I planned is causing a lot of distress. There's been a lot of ugly crying and generally just a lot of painful feelings. I feel like I had made a plan to deal with my emotions around this whole thing and now I don't have much to hold on to. Then I feel upset as well that the way I'm feeling is preventing me from doing the things that I either need to do, or that I would have wanted to do to make this time more manageable and enjoy some time more.

I had planned to do a photoshoot with my partner who is a photographer to sort of commemorate things and since my body is going to be changing. But because of this, we have very little opportunity to do that and I'm not sure I can deal with it emotionally, on top of today just having such wildly puffy eyes that I don't really want to be in photos at all. The idea that I won't get to do this either also is upsetting because it was really important to me.

I feel like I'm at risk of just spiraling into just a really bad emotional place in a situation where I truly do have to do certain work or otherwise will make the situation worse.

I've had lots of therapy about this whole situation and all my feelings about it, and while I could theoretically book another therapy session I don't think I'll have time or that it will add that much on top of the resources I already have.

So, what can I do to try to handle all of these immense feelings and still do what I need to do in the next couple days, and what I want to do? I'm going to get to see my partner today which I think will help a lot, and I've planned to either have a zoom thing or have a friend come over to hang out on my deck tomorrow, so I think I mostly have enough things in terms of planned activities and whatnot. I'm interested in any suggestions in terms of how to think about all of this, and smaller things I can do to make the next couple of days more manageable on both the work side of things, and everything else.

posted by lookoutbelow to Human Relations (12 answers total)

I am sorry you are going through this struggle.

My emotional reactions to things right now are very disproportionate. Anything that is making me feel like this week was not going how I planned is causing a lot of distress. There's been a lot of ugly crying and generally just a lot of painful feelings. I feel like I had made a plan to deal with my emotions...

I don't know how you get through this without a shit ton of really itense emotions and allowing yourself to grieve hard. That is so legitimate and even if your plans had not been sidetracked, I think you would be feeling this.

I would encourage you to do the photo session. You don't have to look at the photos if that's not a thing you want to do now, but you will have the option later. If you don't do it you won't have the option.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:13 PM on May 29, 2021 [10 favorites]

What often helps me is to just FEEL THE FEELS intensely and unapologetically for say a day. or half a day, whatever time you have. don't be ashamed for having the feels. it is okay to be upset, sad, mad, scared that you're having major surgery.

your surgery isn't until thursday. you can do the photoshoot tuesday or wednesday.

your work is shitty for not giving you much time off. you have permission to do the bare minimum for a few weeks until you're fully recovered.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 2:36 PM on May 29, 2021 [2 favorites]

Speaking as someone who is high risk for breast cancer and closely monitored, though BRCA negative.Your emotionality seems pretty normal to me honestly, especially given your heightened stress. In fact, your crying spells sound like are a stress response. Getting this surgery alone would have been a lot, and it sounds like you had a plan for managing that, but it was derailed and, well, now it's coming out wherever it can.

I know this is easier said than done but if there is any way to park your work right now, I think that would help. Seriously, this surgery is about your survival. The fact that its hard on your coworkers and job...well, la di da, I'm sure you'd rather be in their shoes and able to work rather than getting a freaking prophylactic mastectomy, but you didn't get that health profile. At some point you have to accept that there is only so much you can on the work front and let whatever happens happen. This needs to be your priority - give yourself permission to focus on taking care of yourself and let other responsibilities go until you are on the other side. They will get over it. And if they don't, WOW, time to find a new job.
posted by amycup at 4:17 PM on May 29, 2021 [7 favorites]

I think if this were my situation--and I've been in similar but not exactly the same situation--I might actually be looking forward to my surgery as the thing that would WRAP UP THIS BAD WEEK OR TWO. You're doing the right thing for your health, you have a supportive partner, you might need to make some stronger boundaries with work (you can do that later!) but for now, you're on the right track, you're heading in the right direction, this is all very intense and it's super okay that it's intense. Take some photos, your face doesn't even have to be in them, feel free to just stay in bed or whatever the thing is that makes you feel like you're in "recovery mode" even though it's before your surgery. I am one of those people who feels very uneasy when I had a plan for managing stressful situations and then they go sideways, so I feel you. Try to make a new, smaller, more modest plan and realize that work, even though it's important, even thought you care about it, will maybe need to take a back seat to some of the taking care of you thinks you need to do. Best wishes for a straightforward surgery.
posted by jessamyn at 4:28 PM on May 29, 2021 [1 favorite]

I also need to have a big awful surgery due to a genetic condition, and I've been putting it off for way too long, so I may not be the best one to be giving out advice here. But honestly, if I was in your situation I'd look at rescheduling. You presumably don't have breast cancer right now, this is a preventative thing. So, why do this during covid, when you're just getting over some nasty virus, you're super stressed and the scheduling is causing you problems at work? There will probably never be a great time for this, but right now sounds like a particularly hard time. You're not at your best in like nine different ways, and you might actually have a harder recovery because of it. Maybe you feel like you can't budge this because you've already got the time off scheduled, but fuck it, take a few weeks of vacation now (it sounds like you could use it!) and do the surgery when things have settled down a little.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 4:48 PM on May 29, 2021 [2 favorites]

Yes, I agree with Ursula Hitler. Why do this now when your body is so stressed already? I know you already killed yourself at work getting ready for this but if you put it off 1) you'll be in better physical condition to undergo a hard surgery and 2) maybe you won't be so understaffed or work circumstances will otherwise have changed. And three weeks, I don't know. My friend had this two years ago and going by her experience, I think you will be feeling a lot better in three weeks but probably not better enough to be back at work full time in a stressful job. This just seems like an unnecessarily hard way to do it.
posted by HotToddy at 5:21 PM on May 29, 2021 [1 favorite]

Consider if your emotions are telling you this is not the right time to have this surgery. You just had a nasty virus, you are overworked, you haven't had time to socialize, prepare and take photographs as you planned. These are valid reasons for your emotions to be telling you, via anxiety and overreactions, that you may want to wait until you can get your self in a better situation.

I'm helping someone prepare for a major, life-changing surgery. His orthopedic surgeon stressed that my friend must be "medically optimized" and have a stable home/ life situation, or he would not do the surgery because it would be less likely to be successful. You might talk to the surgeon about your anxiety and overall situation to see what he thinks. Generally, there is a pre-op physical exam, so you could talk to that doctor as well about the virus and how long a recovery time would be best before having the surgery.
posted by KayQuestions at 8:53 PM on May 29, 2021

1. Not everyone is Marcus Aurelius and if they were, it'd be super weird. You have every right to feel every utterly bizarre feeling in this incredibly difficult and concerning circumstance.

2. Please take the photoshoot. Even if your eyes are swollen and you feel like you exist in space outside your body, you may develop connection with the photos later (or perhaps certainly will). It's such a unique time, and you can place them in a box until you're interested.

3. Is there any way you can white lie about a covid work extension? So you can have the actual break you need to heal? With such significant processing, it really sounds like you need support and this includes time.

Very best of luck, everything will be okay.. !
posted by firstdaffodils at 12:02 AM on May 30, 2021

Talk with your doctor. There's no moral failing in taking some tranquilizers for this short period to help stabilize your tensions.
posted by tmdonahue at 6:30 AM on May 30, 2021 [1 favorite]

Nth the suggestion that you consider rescheduling the surgery. If you feel dismay when you think about it, then, yes, go ahead and have it. If not, consider rescheduling!

I also want to point out that it's extremely difficult to go into a situation like this with everything tidy and manageably arranged. You are undergoing a major medical procedure, have made a powerful decision for your life and health down the road, but there is HUGE loss and stress involved. It's both normal and perfectly okay to mourn it.
posted by dancing_angel at 8:09 AM on May 30, 2021

Speak with your doctor about tranquilizers like Xanax or Ativan
posted by madstop1 at 3:51 PM on May 30, 2021

I had this same surgery for the same reasons in December and also felt like this beforehand. What helped me the most was the flatties United group on FB....this is a big surgery and a big deal, and there are lots of people who have gone through it who can help you with how you’re feeling.
posted by melodykramer at 5:45 PM on June 1, 2021