Anxious about making choices post-vaccine and managing relationships

April 18, 2021 1:41 PM

I have been very isolated and am struggling with making decisions about how I will handle things when I am fully vaccinated in a couple weeks. Also trying to plan how I will navigate whatever boundaries I decide on with others in my life, who are reasonable but not as cautious as me.

I recognize that this is a good problem to have, and that some people reasonably could feel like I'm being precious because they have had to deal with being around people and many people are not able to get the vaccine yet. If you feel that way, I get it and this thread is probably not for you. 

I live in the US and have been working from home and social distancing strictly throughout the pandemic. I have occasionally gone on masked walks with people or done backyard visits. I got my first Pfizer shot (very grateful) and should be fully vaccinated by mid-May. I am in my 30s with one supposedly high-risk medical condition that I don't trust is necessarily a high-risk condition (being fat) because of medical bias but am still open to the possibility that there is something about adipose tissue that causes higher risk even if you are healthy and active. I worry about what I would do if I got sick because I live alone and don't have a car--it seems like calling people up to take you to see the doctor or for testing when you have symptoms of a deadly virus is not okay to do, and getting on public transit is an even worse thing to do. However, I also would want to pursue monoclonal antibody treatment if I do get sick so waiting at home unless it becomes so dire that I have to go to the ER is not an appealing option either. 

I live alone and just being around people at all makes me feel anxious now--it is not going to be easy to just flip the switch and feel comfortable with hanging out indoors. Having things be black and white was simple. My family and friends in the area take COVID seriously, but are significantly less cautious than me to varying degrees. The general attitude seems to be that once you're vaccinated, you can go about your life, just wear masks in public to not be an asshole. I feel like people are underrating the fact that more exposure is still more risk for vaccinated people and the case numbers and variants are very concerning. Sister's baby is unvaccinated (of course) and about to start day care; sister feels comfortable with me being around the baby once vaccinated, but I am also a bit worried (though haven't said) about the baby getting me sick. Friends in the area are social services workers working with marginalized populations, and because they haven't been able to work from home they never got horribly uncomfortable with being out in the world like I did. 

All of these people are thin and without high-risk medical conditions, and I have never had a conversation with any of them in which it was acknowledged that I am fat and/or that I am possibly at higher risk during this pandemic. 

Friends are not going to argue with me about my boundaries. Sister and her family will definitely try to convince me that I am worrying too much. I will find this difficult if I'm not confident in what my plan is. I also want to be able to say what I'm doing without making others feel like I'm judging them or making things awkward. Sister will also likely take things personally or like a judgment of her if I phrase things the wrong way. We are both anxious people.

My desired response would be for people to just not care what is on my face and want to hang out outside. 

I am stuck between 3 options--(1) For the time being, fine with no masks and vaccinated people and sister's baby outside, but I will wear masks when indoors even with vaccinated friends/family. Aside from reduced risk, the upside to this is being able to not have to worry about what other people are doing. I don't want to be thinking about whether one person is indoor dining now or whatever. (2) Do no masks inside with just sister and her immediate family, who have lower risk contacts/fewer contacts, not with other friends (3) Just follow the CDC recommendation that it's actually ok to be around vaccinated people without restrictions

How do I decide how to handle this? And how do I communicate this effectively to the people in my life and feel confident about what I'm doing rather than constantly second guessing myself?

posted by Squalor Victoria to Human Relations (10 answers total)

Is there any way you can get ahead of this potential for hurt feelings with your sister, by just telling her right now how you feel - that you totally respect whatever she chooses for her family but you believe you are going to continue to be very anxious about everything and you're probably not going to want to visit as soon or as often as she might like, or that she may have to humor you if you choose to visit at a distance with a mask on. It might make you feel better since you're already worrying about it.
posted by Glinn at 2:05 PM on April 18, 2021 [3 favorites]

My idea is that you should keep your boundaries and can frame it as what you’re comfortable with now / what you’re ready for. I think a lot of people are going to have a hard time turning the social life switch back on, and there’s still reason to be concerned about variants. We’re not at the new normal yet, the rules are going to be in flux for a while. Case numbers are still going up, for one thing.

One of my pod people is more conservative about safety than I am and I honor that by either adhering to his caution level or not hanging out for a couple weeks after I do something riskier. You get to have the boundaries you want and leave situations where people are violating them.
posted by momus_window at 2:10 PM on April 18, 2021 [4 favorites]

You don't need to make this choice about the rest of your life, just about the next visit. Things are changing too fast. If you are comfortable right now doing outdoors gatherings where possible and staying masked indoors, let them know you'll be doing that and you'll remove yourself if something happens that you feel is too risky. Whenever the next visit after that is, let them know that you'll be following whatever your comfort level is at that point.

This is how it should be for everyone. This isn't a linear return to a baseline, and like all consent conversations should be worked out as you go, not once forever.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:16 PM on April 18, 2021 [11 favorites]

I'd focus less on the facts and more on your own feelings. Lots of people have varying degrees of agoraphobia from the last year, which is understandable. So for your family, I'd say something like "I know in the future I'll feel comfortable doing [x], but right now I need to ease back into normal life, which for me means wearing a mask and outdoor hangouts. I'm sure I'll feel comfortable doing more later, but for now that's my comfort level." If they don't accept that, I'd be firm "Look, you're asking me to do something that will be unpleasant and upsetting to me - please respect my decision for what's right for me." In return, I wouldn't comment on their decisions.

Once you're fully vaccinated, I'd prioritize whatever socializing or public activities will aide your mental well-being. Take it a day at a time.

Finally, this stood out to me: it seems like calling people up to take you to see the doctor or for testing when you have symptoms of a deadly virus is not okay to do

Even before getting vaccinated, if any of my friends (or even acquaintances, neighbors, co-workers) had gotten COVID and needed a ride to the hospital, I would have happily given them one. Maybe not everyone feels that way, but please don't feel like getting COVID would turn you into an isolated leper.
posted by coffeecat at 2:17 PM on April 18, 2021 [2 favorites]

My experience is that my sense of caution vs urge to connect with others shifted once i was really fully vaccinated. I'm sure that as I start to do some careful unmasked meetings it would gradually feeler safer to do it -for so long I just trained myself to think "danger" around others, it is taking me a time to gradually let that relax to a place that is in line with what seems to be objectively safe.

Also, we will know more in a month and even more in two months. There was a recent study from the CDC that supported the idea that it is in fact quite safe - based on conditions in the community at the time. More will be learned and having that will help you feel more confident in what is right for you.

So, give yourself permission to view this as a process and then present it to others as a "for now" decision"
posted by metahawk at 2:44 PM on April 18, 2021 [5 favorites]

I clicked on this post thinking it would be about internal conflict between wanting to spend time with people in a somewhat less-distanced way again versus wanting to be safe and prudent. But I don't see anything about that--it seems like it's mostly managing other people's feelings. I think only going as fast as you have independent desire for is reasonable--don't consider shifting your boundaries because someone else might think they're odd, consider shifting your boundaries when/if you personally need/want more connection with less distancing.
posted by needs more cowbell at 2:50 PM on April 18, 2021 [1 favorite]

I’m on about the same schedule as you, I will be fully vaccinated mid may and have a couple things that make me higher risk, I don’t drive and have been super isolated. The other day my one other RL friend, who is a teacher, finished the waiting period after her second shot and we met up and had a long chat outside with no masks for the first time in more than a year! It was astoundingly awkward, but wonderful.

I like the advice above to go one interaction at a time. Decisions you make today can be changed tomorrow based on the information and situation you’re dealing with. As I dip my toe into the world again, I am finding that each day is different. I’m wrangling with mental and physical health concerns so I’ve been tossed into seeing doctors in person a bunch, and it’s funny because I feel safer at the doctor’s than I do at the grocery store, where people are constantly too close and don’t cover their noses and have to wrangle children. So maybe one day I feel fine taking my mask off for a dental appointment and having a conversation with my fully vaccinated dental assistant, and the next day I’m double masking and changing my clothes after getting back from a big shop.

As people get vaccinated they will have different reactions to that change. I think your anxiety will change shape over time as the people around you go through the same thing, just on a slightly delayed schedule. There is definitely this tendency for folks to best remember the most awful things, but try to make special note of good interactions you have, to reinforce them and shave down the anxiety. Like, I bet your sister will respect your boundaries if you clearly express them, and lots of folks will be vaccinated but still masking up in public, and as the weather warms there will be loads more outdoor activities you can participate in comfortably.
posted by Mizu at 3:02 PM on April 18, 2021 [3 favorites]

How do I decide how to handle this? And how do I communicate this effectively to the people in my life and feel confident about what I'm doing rather than constantly second guessing myself?

What's been helpful for me--someone who has been pretty SRS BZNS about this enough so I haven't spent weekends with my long distance boyfriend but I would occasionally grocery shop or masked walk with friends--is that it's worth paying attention to your second guessing feelings and just ask yourself what they might be telling you. Like... your boundaries are yours and you are welcome to them whatever they are and if people don't agree, that's on them in most cases. At the same time it's worth thinking about whether you have some conflicts within yourself about what you want versus what your worried mind thinks is safe.

I am mentioning this not to point a finger at you as much as explain this is how it worked for me. I am both really dying to see my partner but at the same time very very worried about it, but I've also been willing to be a little less careful (sitting distanced, outside, with a friend while we drank coffee) because it was in the moment and realistically it's been within my tolerance levels but a whole weekend date plan is a THING. My take on your feelings...

- I think it's okay to maybe not want to be around your sister's baby or maybe put boundaries around that (only outside, or something)
- I think you may be catastrophizing about what could/would happen if you got COVID (I am another person who would not blink at taking a sick friend to the hospital) which is okay and understandable but might be a thing you could mitigate by talking to a friend or family member?
- we are all feeling weird about things, and those feelings are 100% normal

I got a lot of pushback, initially, that I was not seeing my partner. I was and am a strict rule follower and since he lives in another state this was not okay. I definitely had some friends who seemed to think I was a little dim for making that choice, but that was kind of on them. I didn't complain about it, my partner was on board, and I would just confidently say "This is the decision that works for us" and I think you can get to a similar place. Talk to your sister "Hey I've got these feelings and this is the decision, right now, that works for me" and then see what your sister says, and feel free to listen with empathy, which you should be able to do while also maintaining your boundaries. As everyone says, things are changing, bot in what we know but also in what is happening in the world and so people's feelings will change.
posted by jessamyn at 3:26 PM on April 18, 2021 [4 favorites]

I want to agree with folks that a good way to frame this might be to make it about feelings and comfort, not facts. If you present something as being safe or not, then folks might argue based on facts. If you present this as, “It’s going to take some time before I’m comfortable being indoors without a mask on” then there’s less for folks to disagree with. You can also “Yes and” them. For example, they say, “Dr Fauci says X, Y, and Z.” You respond, “Yes, and I’m just not ready yet.”
posted by bluedaisy at 12:13 AM on April 19, 2021 [2 favorites]

For whichever option you choose, you don't owe anyone an explanation beyond "at this time I am comfortable with x" or "at this time I am not comfortable with y." (Along the lines of Ms. Manners "that won't be possible.")

However, if you feel like you need to give an explanation, you can say "Since I live alone with out access to a car, I still need to be very careful" or "After this past year, I'm still acclimating to the idea of seeing people in person again."
posted by oceano at 9:12 AM on April 19, 2021