Why do people match and then not respond?
March 8, 2021 8:23 PM Subscribe
I'm a relatively decent looking guy with a normal dating profile and an easy time making conversation. Why do I never get responses to my messages?
I'm 45 and live in Brooklyn.
My profile basically just says, "Dog lover, pretty good in the kitchen. Matches well with clever, funny, well-read women."
I match with maybe two women a week. Honestly in 10 years I've never had someone message me first. It's always felt like that scary moment is my responsibility which honestly kind of sucks. I usually think of something pleasant to ask about their profile or some question about one of their photos, where they traveled, their cute dog or whatever. Sure it's a little generic, but regardless I know nothing about the person (many have no bio) and little to go on and definitely don't believe in pickup lines. I've re-read all the messages (and shown them to women friends), and they're honestly...fine.
I would say 1 in 10 at this point responds to messages at all. A couple times someone had Super Liked me. I messaged her... silence...
Why is this? I guess my main question is, why is someone expressing interest at all if not interested in any level of communication much less meeting for a date? Why Super Like someone then completely ignore? I feel lost in this online dating world.
I'm 45 and live in Brooklyn.
My profile basically just says, "Dog lover, pretty good in the kitchen. Matches well with clever, funny, well-read women."
I match with maybe two women a week. Honestly in 10 years I've never had someone message me first. It's always felt like that scary moment is my responsibility which honestly kind of sucks. I usually think of something pleasant to ask about their profile or some question about one of their photos, where they traveled, their cute dog or whatever. Sure it's a little generic, but regardless I know nothing about the person (many have no bio) and little to go on and definitely don't believe in pickup lines. I've re-read all the messages (and shown them to women friends), and they're honestly...fine.
I would say 1 in 10 at this point responds to messages at all. A couple times someone had Super Liked me. I messaged her... silence...
Why is this? I guess my main question is, why is someone expressing interest at all if not interested in any level of communication much less meeting for a date? Why Super Like someone then completely ignore? I feel lost in this online dating world.
Women on dating sites typically get hundreds of messages within a day or two of posting a profile
posted by Jacqueline at 8:27 PM on March 8, 2021 [20 favorites]
posted by Jacqueline at 8:27 PM on March 8, 2021 [20 favorites]
Response by poster: I realize that's true, but why unmatch someone you'd shown interest in (even superficially)?
posted by deern the headlice at 8:36 PM on March 8, 2021
posted by deern the headlice at 8:36 PM on March 8, 2021
Because you met someone, or you've winnowed the pool down to just the handful of guys you like best and you don't want to be bothered by the rest anymore.
Especially since so many guys go absolutely psycho when they're rejected. It's safest to just remove their ability to contact you than to explicitly tell them that you've chosen someone else.
posted by Jacqueline at 8:47 PM on March 8, 2021 [57 favorites]
Especially since so many guys go absolutely psycho when they're rejected. It's safest to just remove their ability to contact you than to explicitly tell them that you've chosen someone else.
posted by Jacqueline at 8:47 PM on March 8, 2021 [57 favorites]
I don’t think this explains *all* of what you report, but: I have read of nefarious things done by dating-app overlords, up to and including fake profiles and likes, to keep people engaged. My own experience, though not like yours, to a non-significant extent does support what I have read.
posted by armoir from antproof case at 8:49 PM on March 8, 2021 [4 favorites]
posted by armoir from antproof case at 8:49 PM on March 8, 2021 [4 favorites]
Sometimes people do the "running man" and swipe right on everyone, and then decide if they like them based on matches.
I don't usually message first because I chicken out.
posted by DEiBnL13 at 8:49 PM on March 8, 2021 [3 favorites]
I don't usually message first because I chicken out.
posted by DEiBnL13 at 8:49 PM on March 8, 2021 [3 favorites]
Possibility: You match, you message, and the lady ankles over to review your profile... which "basically just says, "Dog lover, pretty good in the kitchen. Matches well with clever, funny, well-read women" and that is not enough info/evidence of sustained effort (for your particular dating pool, which is an ocean whether you're searching Brooklyn, NYC, or the tri-state area) to make responding worth their while from their perspective? You say your messages are generic, but if your profile is as bare as you describe here, it's also generic and may be working against you.
posted by Iris Gambol at 9:04 PM on March 8, 2021 [33 favorites]
posted by Iris Gambol at 9:04 PM on March 8, 2021 [33 favorites]
Why is this?
Because gamification is at least as toxic to the formation process of intimate relationships as it is to everything else it touches.
I feel lost in this online dating world.
This behaviour is by design.
posted by flabdablet at 9:12 PM on March 8, 2021 [12 favorites]
Because gamification is at least as toxic to the formation process of intimate relationships as it is to everything else it touches.
I feel lost in this online dating world.
This behaviour is by design.
posted by flabdablet at 9:12 PM on March 8, 2021 [12 favorites]
Response by poster: "and that is not enough info/evidence of sustained effort"
The main question I'm asking though is - why did they right-swipe in the first place? Why did we match at all if they thought my bio was generic?
but if your profile is as bare as you describe here,
I've swiped thousands of profiles at this point though and they are mostly blank. Mine is actually on the longer and more specific end of things.
posted by deern the headlice at 9:15 PM on March 8, 2021 [1 favorite]
The main question I'm asking though is - why did they right-swipe in the first place? Why did we match at all if they thought my bio was generic?
but if your profile is as bare as you describe here,
I've swiped thousands of profiles at this point though and they are mostly blank. Mine is actually on the longer and more specific end of things.
posted by deern the headlice at 9:15 PM on March 8, 2021 [1 favorite]
Your matches get so many more matches than you that they're basically using their set of matches the way you use the swipe right/left screen. It's a totally different experience. There was probably no message or profile text that could have put you into consideration in many of these cases, so fixating on those things will just make you feel worse.
posted by michaelh at 9:23 PM on March 8, 2021 [6 favorites]
posted by michaelh at 9:23 PM on March 8, 2021 [6 favorites]
Based on your question, I thought they were initially swiping based on your "relatively decent" looks + age, and then, after your message, doubling back to read a disappointingly wispy profile and losing interest. You've clarified that's not the case, so disregard my previous answer.
posted by Iris Gambol at 9:33 PM on March 8, 2021 [2 favorites]
posted by Iris Gambol at 9:33 PM on March 8, 2021 [2 favorites]
"Dog lover, pretty good in the kitchen. Matches well with clever, funny, well-read women."
Honestly in 10 years I've never had someone message me first.
if that's close to the actual text, that is an "I'm average; you be terrific" ad. straight women see these a lot. and they're not at all a bad strategy if you're the one contacting them--in that case, just reaching out to them is already flattering. sure he's just some regular guy, but he thinks I'm clever and funny!
but as an invitation to write to you, 'prove to me, some average guy, that you're clever and funny and well-read' is not appetizing. and if you're willing to make first contact, it doesn't have to be, it's fine. but if you are going to advertise for anything besides "seeks same," consider the extent to which it reads like an invitation to audition. generally, nobody likes those and nobody accepts them unless they have to.
posted by queenofbithynia at 9:49 PM on March 8, 2021 [84 favorites]
Honestly in 10 years I've never had someone message me first.
if that's close to the actual text, that is an "I'm average; you be terrific" ad. straight women see these a lot. and they're not at all a bad strategy if you're the one contacting them--in that case, just reaching out to them is already flattering. sure he's just some regular guy, but he thinks I'm clever and funny!
but as an invitation to write to you, 'prove to me, some average guy, that you're clever and funny and well-read' is not appetizing. and if you're willing to make first contact, it doesn't have to be, it's fine. but if you are going to advertise for anything besides "seeks same," consider the extent to which it reads like an invitation to audition. generally, nobody likes those and nobody accepts them unless they have to.
posted by queenofbithynia at 9:49 PM on March 8, 2021 [84 favorites]
Wait up. "I've swiped thousands of profiles at this point though and they are mostly blank. Mine is actually on the longer and more specific end of things."
Are you saying womens' profiles are mostly blank and your profile, compared to many profiles of the women you are interested in, is longer and more specific? Because that is not the evaluation you need to be making in your online dating endeavors.
As noted in a previous answer, women already get a lot more attention on dating sites; their profiles can bear to be sparse (as you yourself can attest).
Compare your profile against the profiles of other middle-aged men in Brooklyn hoping to meet women via online dating.
posted by Iris Gambol at 9:50 PM on March 8, 2021 [8 favorites]
Are you saying womens' profiles are mostly blank and your profile, compared to many profiles of the women you are interested in, is longer and more specific? Because that is not the evaluation you need to be making in your online dating endeavors.
As noted in a previous answer, women already get a lot more attention on dating sites; their profiles can bear to be sparse (as you yourself can attest).
Compare your profile against the profiles of other middle-aged men in Brooklyn hoping to meet women via online dating.
posted by Iris Gambol at 9:50 PM on March 8, 2021 [8 favorites]
Response by poster: if that's close to the actual text, that is an "I'm average; you be terrific" ad.
Sorry - that is not remotely what I'm implying. Matches well means, "we both like to laugh, we both like to read, that's why we'd match." I'm definitely not asking anyone to audition for anything. If anything the reverse feels true because I'm 100% on the hook for sending the first message as a sort of audition.
Compare your profile against the profiles of other middle-aged men
I'd say 50% of my friends here in NY are women. We talk about this stuff a lot. We show each other each other's profiles. Each one has essentially said about mine - "this sounds completely fine, I would probably swipe it." I mean they're my friends of course, but they're also brutally honest. So that's what's felt confusing. It's made me wonder if I'm actually doing anything "wrong" here, or if people are simply overwhelmed with quantity.
posted by deern the headlice at 10:01 PM on March 8, 2021 [1 favorite]
Sorry - that is not remotely what I'm implying. Matches well means, "we both like to laugh, we both like to read, that's why we'd match." I'm definitely not asking anyone to audition for anything. If anything the reverse feels true because I'm 100% on the hook for sending the first message as a sort of audition.
Compare your profile against the profiles of other middle-aged men
I'd say 50% of my friends here in NY are women. We talk about this stuff a lot. We show each other each other's profiles. Each one has essentially said about mine - "this sounds completely fine, I would probably swipe it." I mean they're my friends of course, but they're also brutally honest. So that's what's felt confusing. It's made me wonder if I'm actually doing anything "wrong" here, or if people are simply overwhelmed with quantity.
posted by deern the headlice at 10:01 PM on March 8, 2021 [1 favorite]
How old are the women you are swiping on/messaging?
posted by corb at 10:19 PM on March 8, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by corb at 10:19 PM on March 8, 2021 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Range is 38-50.
posted by deern the headlice at 10:23 PM on March 8, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by deern the headlice at 10:23 PM on March 8, 2021 [1 favorite]
I've accidentally super-liked or even liked profiles when I didn't mean to.
posted by batonthefueltank at 10:38 PM on March 8, 2021 [5 favorites]
posted by batonthefueltank at 10:38 PM on March 8, 2021 [5 favorites]
Not saying that's the reason, but here's a POSSIBLE reason.
You consider yourself average. 5/10
They are average 5/10 , but they consider themselves above average 7/10
So they are looking for 7/10 or better, and won't respond to 5/10's, unless they really have NO 7/10 matches. You're basically left on the backburner as something to "settle for".
posted by kschang at 11:02 PM on March 8, 2021
You consider yourself average. 5/10
They are average 5/10 , but they consider themselves above average 7/10
So they are looking for 7/10 or better, and won't respond to 5/10's, unless they really have NO 7/10 matches. You're basically left on the backburner as something to "settle for".
posted by kschang at 11:02 PM on March 8, 2021
Yes, it's a numbers game but you still need to put something into each and every message if you want women to feel you are actually interested in them and not just casting a wide net upon the sea to haul in whatever you can. A one-sentence question about their cute dog doesn't cut it. That reads as extremely low effort. There are scrillions of womens with pictures of cute dogs in their profiles, and all it takes to formulate that question is the briefest glance at one picture.
In order for me to be interested in responding to a message, there has to be evidence that the guy read my profile in its entirety, really got it, and had meaningful reasons to believe we'd be compatible. I have taken to including a silly keyword near the end of my profile text; the number of men who mention it is maybe 5%. The other 95% are showing me that they wouldn't be attentive to me if we went out. They'd listen to some small portion of what I had to say, while scanning the room for better alternatives. No thanks.
I have initiated messages to guys many times over the years, btw. I know how disheartening it can be to not hear anything back. But you can't let that dissuade you from putting actual effort into each message.
posted by Flock of Cynthiabirds at 1:03 AM on March 9, 2021 [6 favorites]
In order for me to be interested in responding to a message, there has to be evidence that the guy read my profile in its entirety, really got it, and had meaningful reasons to believe we'd be compatible. I have taken to including a silly keyword near the end of my profile text; the number of men who mention it is maybe 5%. The other 95% are showing me that they wouldn't be attentive to me if we went out. They'd listen to some small portion of what I had to say, while scanning the room for better alternatives. No thanks.
I have initiated messages to guys many times over the years, btw. I know how disheartening it can be to not hear anything back. But you can't let that dissuade you from putting actual effort into each message.
posted by Flock of Cynthiabirds at 1:03 AM on March 9, 2021 [6 favorites]
Another possibility, Dating apps are known to fake profiles of women, and even have them programmatically send likes, etc. Its unethical to illegal, but the app developers want to keep men engaged with the app no matter what.
and what everybody else already said.
posted by TheAdamist at 2:47 AM on March 9, 2021 [2 favorites]
and what everybody else already said.
posted by TheAdamist at 2:47 AM on March 9, 2021 [2 favorites]
I’ve been out of the game for about 4 years now, so I’m not familiar with the current apps and what shows up in a profile, but - if I saw a guy who was 45 and who said his age range was 38-50, that would be an automatic nope for me. You need to be willing to go just as many years older as you are willing to go younger.
Also, my usual reminder for dating app questions: you don’t need a lot of responses; you only need one from the right person. It generally took me about 18 months to find someone I wanted to meet in person, but I never had a bad date, and a date almost always turned into a long term relationship. Quality over quantity.
posted by MexicanYenta at 3:04 AM on March 9, 2021 [18 favorites]
Also, my usual reminder for dating app questions: you don’t need a lot of responses; you only need one from the right person. It generally took me about 18 months to find someone I wanted to meet in person, but I never had a bad date, and a date almost always turned into a long term relationship. Quality over quantity.
posted by MexicanYenta at 3:04 AM on March 9, 2021 [18 favorites]
Woman who used tinder here. I'd swipe right on any photo that looked half decent and then if we matched I might look at their other photos and read their bio*, other times I'd wait until they messaged to look through their other photos and their bio. I would only reply if I was still very keen having seen their full profile. Sometimes I'd unmatch, sometimes I'd just ignore it and unmatch them later cos it somehow felt less brutal and final.
*If I particularly liked what I saw, I'd message them. If I was bored, or in the mood to spend time talking to people, I might message like 10 guys. I too often have men not respond, or unmatch me upon receiving a message.
Also, your bio is "fine" but also boring/basic. Personally I'd rather see a niche interest/hobby mentioned to give me something to jump off.
Tl;dr: I don't pay that much attention when swiping, because it's time consuming. I decide if I want to talk to someone once we've matched and I can be bothered looking through my matches, or when someone messages me.
posted by Chrysalis at 3:17 AM on March 9, 2021 [10 favorites]
*If I particularly liked what I saw, I'd message them. If I was bored, or in the mood to spend time talking to people, I might message like 10 guys. I too often have men not respond, or unmatch me upon receiving a message.
Also, your bio is "fine" but also boring/basic. Personally I'd rather see a niche interest/hobby mentioned to give me something to jump off.
Tl;dr: I don't pay that much attention when swiping, because it's time consuming. I decide if I want to talk to someone once we've matched and I can be bothered looking through my matches, or when someone messages me.
posted by Chrysalis at 3:17 AM on March 9, 2021 [10 favorites]
Oh also, superlikes are usually mistakes when I've tried to swipe left on someone and been clumsy. It's awkward.
And 1 in 10 as a response rate is probably fairly normal. I'd say I got maybe 1 in 7, and I was getting maybe 10-15 matches per day depending on how long I spent swiping and am a woman.
posted by Chrysalis at 3:21 AM on March 9, 2021 [2 favorites]
And 1 in 10 as a response rate is probably fairly normal. I'd say I got maybe 1 in 7, and I was getting maybe 10-15 matches per day depending on how long I spent swiping and am a woman.
posted by Chrysalis at 3:21 AM on March 9, 2021 [2 favorites]
The level of interest expressed by a right swipe, for me, often is "in the .05 seconds I looked at his photo, I thought it seemed not unattractive". Any decisions about actually communicating come after that.
posted by Chrysalis at 3:30 AM on March 9, 2021 [6 favorites]
posted by Chrysalis at 3:30 AM on March 9, 2021 [6 favorites]
sometimes we swipe right hoping for more. May the best man win. It's pretty simple.
I've had not great first-dates and given men a second chance (usually a mistake) - but yeah, we're allowed to swipe right, test things out, and then back away. It's part of the dating game. And yes, the market IS flooded. You WILL have to work to keep our attention. Thats showbiz baby! We didn't make the Tinder objectification machine, we just live here.
posted by Dressed to Kill at 4:03 AM on March 9, 2021 [6 favorites]
I've had not great first-dates and given men a second chance (usually a mistake) - but yeah, we're allowed to swipe right, test things out, and then back away. It's part of the dating game. And yes, the market IS flooded. You WILL have to work to keep our attention. Thats showbiz baby! We didn't make the Tinder objectification machine, we just live here.
posted by Dressed to Kill at 4:03 AM on March 9, 2021 [6 favorites]
if that's close to the actual text, that is an "I'm average; you be terrific" ad.
That might not be what you’re implying, but it easily reads that way.
posted by sillysally at 5:51 AM on March 9, 2021 [13 favorites]
That might not be what you’re implying, but it easily reads that way.
posted by sillysally at 5:51 AM on March 9, 2021 [13 favorites]
You’re assigning too much importance to the lower stakes interactions of online dating.
Imagine you’re in a bar. Swiping right is like sweeping your eyes across the room and making a vague mental note of who you find acceptably attractive at first glance. A match is a moment of eye contact. Not even sustained eye contact, just: you saw each other in the room. The person you’ve had this moment of eye contact with has also seen a lot of other people in the room, and had eye contact with some of them as well. Maybe some of the people she’s seen appear, at first glance, to be a better match for her than you do. Maybe she can glean more information about them at a first glance than she can by just looking at you. Maybe she’s busy, out with friends, and although she’s, sure, single and looking, she isn’t really in the mood to meet a guy tonight.
In real life, would this moment of eye contact be enough to lead you to expect a conversation (and be surprised and confused if they don’t enthusiastically respond)?
You’re interpreting a match as an ‘expression of interest’ but I think you’re giving this tiny interaction more weight than it deserves. You need to recalibrate your expectations.
posted by EXISTENZ IS PAUSED at 5:56 AM on March 9, 2021 [41 favorites]
Imagine you’re in a bar. Swiping right is like sweeping your eyes across the room and making a vague mental note of who you find acceptably attractive at first glance. A match is a moment of eye contact. Not even sustained eye contact, just: you saw each other in the room. The person you’ve had this moment of eye contact with has also seen a lot of other people in the room, and had eye contact with some of them as well. Maybe some of the people she’s seen appear, at first glance, to be a better match for her than you do. Maybe she can glean more information about them at a first glance than she can by just looking at you. Maybe she’s busy, out with friends, and although she’s, sure, single and looking, she isn’t really in the mood to meet a guy tonight.
In real life, would this moment of eye contact be enough to lead you to expect a conversation (and be surprised and confused if they don’t enthusiastically respond)?
You’re interpreting a match as an ‘expression of interest’ but I think you’re giving this tiny interaction more weight than it deserves. You need to recalibrate your expectations.
posted by EXISTENZ IS PAUSED at 5:56 AM on March 9, 2021 [41 favorites]
It doesn't sound as though there's anything glaringly wrong with your profile. Instead, it kinda sounds like you're having an average dating-app experience and taking it too much to heart. We're given so little information to go on on these apps. I might be swiping in one mood--say, tipsy and lonely in the evening-- and a profile looks potentially interesting to me, and then the next morning when I'm dealing with work and life, I decide I can't be bothered. Very little of that has to do with my feelings about the actual person behind the profile, because I don't really know anything about them. Conversely, this happens to me, too -- I get matches that never message, messagers that vanish mid-conversation, random unmatches. I'm not saying that this gamified approach to meeting people is or feels good, but it's how it goes.
posted by attentionplease at 6:00 AM on March 9, 2021 [13 favorites]
posted by attentionplease at 6:00 AM on March 9, 2021 [13 favorites]
I might be swiping in one mood--say, tipsy and lonely in the evening--and a profile looks potentially interesting to me, and then the next morning when I'm dealing with work and life, I decide I can't be bothered. Very little of that has to do with my feelings about the actual person behind the profile, because I don't really know anything about them.
I am a 39yo woman on various dating apps and want to second this right here. I might circle back around to it later, I might not. It is rarely, if ever, about the other person on the app (unless they are viscerally awful, which I doubt you are) but always a reflection of how I'm feeling when the match comes in and if I have both the time and emotional bandwidth for messaging with strangers and all my other personal needs are being met (enough sleep, enough movement, enough hobby time) and if any of those are being undersupplied, the dating app is the first thing to plummet to the bottom of the list. I just assume this is the case for everyone. Like I was having a great conversation with someone a couple weeks ago and then they abruptly disabled their profile and disappeared without another word. Definitely not about me, how could it be? It's just all part of the package, unfortunately. If anything, it's happening even more during Covid because people are incredibly hungry for connection but then in the same moment reconsider the safety and wisdom of actually meeting up or get overwhelmed with life responsibilities and mental health and back away from the interaction.
I feel like I have a somewhat different approach than the supermajority of dating app users, like I never go on swiping sprees, I consider all pictures and read profiles in their entirety and then decide how I want to swipe. Blank profiles are an instant and automatic no, what a gigantic waste of everyone's time and energy. Why should I, who put myself out there and engaged meaningfully with the site to present my best self and qualify who I'm looking to connect with, spend my valuable time painstakingly teasing out additional 101-level details about you (generic you, not you specifically, OP) that you couldn't bother to present in the first place? That is such a freaking low bar to be on a dating app, it's almost offensive when it isn't done. So yeah, I end up with far fewer matches but the ones I do get tend to be way higher quality with a plethora of talking points with which to launch a conversation.
Your wording isn't terrible, I like the "clever, funny, well-read women" part ('cause that's definitely me lol hi) but I would pass because there's just not enough material for me to engage with or to set yourself apart. Most people like dogs and are halfway decent cooks, so what? What brings you to the app? What are you hoping to get out of it? What does your average day look like? Your perfect day? Give me a glimmer of your personality and dating style and outlook on life. Most profiles are so lame and bare that it's EXTREMELY NOT DIFFICULT to stand out even a little bit and yet so few people even try.
posted by anderjen at 8:19 AM on March 9, 2021 [11 favorites]
I am a 39yo woman on various dating apps and want to second this right here. I might circle back around to it later, I might not. It is rarely, if ever, about the other person on the app (unless they are viscerally awful, which I doubt you are) but always a reflection of how I'm feeling when the match comes in and if I have both the time and emotional bandwidth for messaging with strangers and all my other personal needs are being met (enough sleep, enough movement, enough hobby time) and if any of those are being undersupplied, the dating app is the first thing to plummet to the bottom of the list. I just assume this is the case for everyone. Like I was having a great conversation with someone a couple weeks ago and then they abruptly disabled their profile and disappeared without another word. Definitely not about me, how could it be? It's just all part of the package, unfortunately. If anything, it's happening even more during Covid because people are incredibly hungry for connection but then in the same moment reconsider the safety and wisdom of actually meeting up or get overwhelmed with life responsibilities and mental health and back away from the interaction.
I feel like I have a somewhat different approach than the supermajority of dating app users, like I never go on swiping sprees, I consider all pictures and read profiles in their entirety and then decide how I want to swipe. Blank profiles are an instant and automatic no, what a gigantic waste of everyone's time and energy. Why should I, who put myself out there and engaged meaningfully with the site to present my best self and qualify who I'm looking to connect with, spend my valuable time painstakingly teasing out additional 101-level details about you (generic you, not you specifically, OP) that you couldn't bother to present in the first place? That is such a freaking low bar to be on a dating app, it's almost offensive when it isn't done. So yeah, I end up with far fewer matches but the ones I do get tend to be way higher quality with a plethora of talking points with which to launch a conversation.
Your wording isn't terrible, I like the "clever, funny, well-read women" part ('cause that's definitely me lol hi) but I would pass because there's just not enough material for me to engage with or to set yourself apart. Most people like dogs and are halfway decent cooks, so what? What brings you to the app? What are you hoping to get out of it? What does your average day look like? Your perfect day? Give me a glimmer of your personality and dating style and outlook on life. Most profiles are so lame and bare that it's EXTREMELY NOT DIFFICULT to stand out even a little bit and yet so few people even try.
posted by anderjen at 8:19 AM on March 9, 2021 [11 favorites]
Just another voice (37F) confirming that it's most likely not about you. Right now I have ~10 people on a dating app (Hinge) whose messages I have not responded to for days, even though I'm choosy in my swiping. There is nothing "wrong" with these men (that I know of—because I don't know them!). It's a bandwidth thing. It's hard to wrangle life right now. I also have lingering texts from three close friends and a missed call from my dad.
(It's why I go through download/delete cycles with these apps every couple months! I want a partner, but I don't want to make men feel bad about themselves with my inevitable inattentiveness.)
But, in the interest of constructive feedback... Is it possible there's a certain desperation coming through in your interactions? Sometimes that transmits and can be overwhelming. Especially when the woman in question has two or three of those coming at her simultaneously. It can feel like... is this person even interested in getting to know me, or do they just want someone, anyone? And then I feel a sense of responsibility to that person (see above). My favorite dating app interactions are with people who obviously put thought into their responses, but stay lighthearted about it.
posted by gold bridges at 9:03 AM on March 9, 2021 [5 favorites]
(It's why I go through download/delete cycles with these apps every couple months! I want a partner, but I don't want to make men feel bad about themselves with my inevitable inattentiveness.)
But, in the interest of constructive feedback... Is it possible there's a certain desperation coming through in your interactions? Sometimes that transmits and can be overwhelming. Especially when the woman in question has two or three of those coming at her simultaneously. It can feel like... is this person even interested in getting to know me, or do they just want someone, anyone? And then I feel a sense of responsibility to that person (see above). My favorite dating app interactions are with people who obviously put thought into their responses, but stay lighthearted about it.
posted by gold bridges at 9:03 AM on March 9, 2021 [5 favorites]
What if you started thinking of ourself as the "object" of dating rather than the "subject" of dating. I think for most men, they're used to being the "subject" of the equation, while the world trains women and bends them into objectified roles.
So you have to take a cue from this because Tinder works in a very superficial, very flat and objectifying interface - what makes you an "object" of desire for women?
Try showing your profile to a woman that you respect and trust and from whom you can take criticism. Ask them what they honestly think. Listen to her feedback.
If you're more interested in letting women do all the work, try Bumble. They have to interact first.
posted by Dressed to Kill at 9:12 AM on March 9, 2021 [6 favorites]
So you have to take a cue from this because Tinder works in a very superficial, very flat and objectifying interface - what makes you an "object" of desire for women?
Try showing your profile to a woman that you respect and trust and from whom you can take criticism. Ask them what they honestly think. Listen to her feedback.
If you're more interested in letting women do all the work, try Bumble. They have to interact first.
posted by Dressed to Kill at 9:12 AM on March 9, 2021 [6 favorites]
Hi hello. 38F in Brooklyn here. Thirding this notion "I might be swiping in one mood--say, tipsy and lonely in the evening--and a profile looks potentially interesting to me, and then the next morning when I'm dealing with work and life, I decide I can't be bothered. Very little of that has to do with my feelings about the actual person behind the profile, because I don't really know anything about them" and everything that anderjen and gold bridges said above.
I swipe like once a week when I'm bored/lonely/tipsy/feeling bad about myself. By the time I revisit the apps a week later, I'm likely in a different headspace and the people I matched with I don't really care to chat with. I'm not actively trying to find a partner, so I often tend to brush off matches unless I'm like 'holy shit that guy seems amazing', which maybe happens once every two years and usually they don't write back if I message them ha.
I have been on apps for the last 10 years and only one of my matches have turned into a relationship. I've been on a bajillion app first dates and I've learned that for me, meeting people on apps is just not how I find a connection with someone. I still find IRL to have a better success rate for me, so I put very little investment into messaging with people as the ROI isn't that great for me.
posted by greta simone at 9:18 AM on March 9, 2021 [4 favorites]
I swipe like once a week when I'm bored/lonely/tipsy/feeling bad about myself. By the time I revisit the apps a week later, I'm likely in a different headspace and the people I matched with I don't really care to chat with. I'm not actively trying to find a partner, so I often tend to brush off matches unless I'm like 'holy shit that guy seems amazing', which maybe happens once every two years and usually they don't write back if I message them ha.
I have been on apps for the last 10 years and only one of my matches have turned into a relationship. I've been on a bajillion app first dates and I've learned that for me, meeting people on apps is just not how I find a connection with someone. I still find IRL to have a better success rate for me, so I put very little investment into messaging with people as the ROI isn't that great for me.
posted by greta simone at 9:18 AM on March 9, 2021 [4 favorites]
I am a dog-loving, clever, funny, well-read, and at least mildly attractive 47 year old cis woman with decent photographs, including one with my dog. I am pretty close to your target demographic, broadly speaking.
I like the line about "Matches well with" because it's like you've already complimented me if we do match. That's nice! I also second the idea of adding some more content to your profile and punching it up a bit. "Pretty good" in the kitchen is confusing. Are you a good cook? Say so and own it. Here are a few lines you are free to use or reject.
I already love your dog.
Can I cook dinner for you?
Can I cook [specific recipe you love and are good at] for you?
Would love to make [specific recipe you love and are good at] for you.
Currently reading ____
My favorite book is _______. What's yours?
And then give folks just a bit more to work with. Something about your work or hobbies or passions.
As for messages: are you asking questions? I know you don't have a lot to go on with blank profiles, but I sometimes give up in messaging with men if they don't at least sometimes ask a question because I feel like I am doing all that work otherwise. This might not be what's going on with you.
Also, let's discuss photos. Are yours current, with at least one close up with good lighting where you are smiling and not wearing a hat or sunglasses? Is there at least one that shows your clothed body or at least waist up? Ask your straight women friends or gay men friends to take a few photos or at least choose your photos (you can do this socially distanced outside right now). Sometimes I match with someone (and I am pretty picky in my swiping, as I think many women are) because they look reasonable and have a decent-ish profile but then after we match and message, I look more closely. If their appearance looks different in different photos, I'm trying to figure out which ones are current. If their pictures aren't great, I'm trying to figure out what they really look like.
Now, to answer your questions specifically. Here are reasons I have unmatched or not responded over the past few years when I've been on apps:
-I'm busy
-I'm overwhelmed with matches or messaging
-I have a great conversation going with someone else or maybe a few others
-I have a few dates lined up and don't know how to fit in more right now
-I started seeing someone new or reconnected with an ex
-Something they did or said bothers me (perhaps they were negative or asked a question that was too personal, like where specifically I work); sometimes it's volume. Or sometimes I just realize in the conversation that they aren't a good match.
-I like them but don't know what to say after asking them a bunch of questions and I want them to move the conversation forward
-I went on vacation and couldn't keep up
All of this is to say, sometimes it's you and sometimes it's me.
I think it's pretty easy for folks to get down about online dating, and I think you have to be careful not to bring this energy in your messaging. I will also add that sometimes I do message first, and I often don't hear back. But you're definitely right that for many women, it's easier to wait for the men who do message because I want to see some initiative and interest to connect.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:36 AM on March 9, 2021 [3 favorites]
I like the line about "Matches well with" because it's like you've already complimented me if we do match. That's nice! I also second the idea of adding some more content to your profile and punching it up a bit. "Pretty good" in the kitchen is confusing. Are you a good cook? Say so and own it. Here are a few lines you are free to use or reject.
I already love your dog.
Can I cook dinner for you?
Can I cook [specific recipe you love and are good at] for you?
Would love to make [specific recipe you love and are good at] for you.
Currently reading ____
My favorite book is _______. What's yours?
And then give folks just a bit more to work with. Something about your work or hobbies or passions.
As for messages: are you asking questions? I know you don't have a lot to go on with blank profiles, but I sometimes give up in messaging with men if they don't at least sometimes ask a question because I feel like I am doing all that work otherwise. This might not be what's going on with you.
Also, let's discuss photos. Are yours current, with at least one close up with good lighting where you are smiling and not wearing a hat or sunglasses? Is there at least one that shows your clothed body or at least waist up? Ask your straight women friends or gay men friends to take a few photos or at least choose your photos (you can do this socially distanced outside right now). Sometimes I match with someone (and I am pretty picky in my swiping, as I think many women are) because they look reasonable and have a decent-ish profile but then after we match and message, I look more closely. If their appearance looks different in different photos, I'm trying to figure out which ones are current. If their pictures aren't great, I'm trying to figure out what they really look like.
Now, to answer your questions specifically. Here are reasons I have unmatched or not responded over the past few years when I've been on apps:
-I'm busy
-I'm overwhelmed with matches or messaging
-I have a great conversation going with someone else or maybe a few others
-I have a few dates lined up and don't know how to fit in more right now
-I started seeing someone new or reconnected with an ex
-Something they did or said bothers me (perhaps they were negative or asked a question that was too personal, like where specifically I work); sometimes it's volume. Or sometimes I just realize in the conversation that they aren't a good match.
-I like them but don't know what to say after asking them a bunch of questions and I want them to move the conversation forward
-I went on vacation and couldn't keep up
All of this is to say, sometimes it's you and sometimes it's me.
I think it's pretty easy for folks to get down about online dating, and I think you have to be careful not to bring this energy in your messaging. I will also add that sometimes I do message first, and I often don't hear back. But you're definitely right that for many women, it's easier to wait for the men who do message because I want to see some initiative and interest to connect.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:36 AM on March 9, 2021 [3 favorites]
Another woman who once used dating apps weighing in. I'm well-read, but I agree strongly with queenofbithynia that your bio would be off-putting to me. Regardless of your intentions, it sounds like a test prospective dates need to pass. Whereas a bio that listed a favorite book/author, or that one enjoyed reading in bed - these would all be positives. So I'd change up your bio a bit, and phrase things in terms of "these are activities I like to do, and would like to include a romantic partner in."
And yeah, every "super like" I ever did was a slip of thumb. And I'll nth everyone saying that you are reading much too much into matches.
posted by coffeecat at 12:47 PM on March 9, 2021 [2 favorites]
And yeah, every "super like" I ever did was a slip of thumb. And I'll nth everyone saying that you are reading much too much into matches.
posted by coffeecat at 12:47 PM on March 9, 2021 [2 favorites]
I met my husband on Tinder. His bio was sparse, but he had good photos (like, clear and I could actually tell what he looked like) and I thought he was decently cute, so I swiped right. His opening message to me was a VERY specific question that made it clear he had actually read and considered my bio (fun-specific like "what's your opinion about this weird niche thing that is related to something you mentioned," not creepy-specific like "tell me exactly where you work"). We ended up having a great first conversation, largely because he put in some work to approach me as an individual person and not Dating App Woman #27 or whatever. Most men on Tinder do not clear that depressingly low bar, so he really stood out. If his opening message had been something like "Hey, cute cat," or whatever, we probably would not be married.
You describe your own messages as "fine." Is it possible you're trying so hard to appeal to a mythical generic woman that you're coming across as kind of bland? As others have pointed out, women are inundated with messages on dating apps even if we're selective in our swiping, and a lot of us are just going to ignore "hey, cute cat" guy. Even if he's likely a perfectly nice, interesting guy.
And yes, another vote for the wording of your bio being off-putting. So many dudes give off a vibe like they think they should get to pick traits as if they're ordering a woman off a menu, and even a whiff of that would be an instant no for me. Tell me about yourself, not about how you want me to be.
posted by catoclock at 1:40 PM on March 9, 2021 [12 favorites]
You describe your own messages as "fine." Is it possible you're trying so hard to appeal to a mythical generic woman that you're coming across as kind of bland? As others have pointed out, women are inundated with messages on dating apps even if we're selective in our swiping, and a lot of us are just going to ignore "hey, cute cat" guy. Even if he's likely a perfectly nice, interesting guy.
And yes, another vote for the wording of your bio being off-putting. So many dudes give off a vibe like they think they should get to pick traits as if they're ordering a woman off a menu, and even a whiff of that would be an instant no for me. Tell me about yourself, not about how you want me to be.
posted by catoclock at 1:40 PM on March 9, 2021 [12 favorites]
"Dog lover, pretty good in the kitchen. Matches well with clever, funny, well-read women."
I'm one of those people who would probably not respond to this, even though I could initially think that I like your photos. Phrasing it like this forces me to make a self-evaluation: am I clever and funny *enough*? Have I read enough for you to consider me well-read? This is not a very pleasant state from which to start an acquaintanceship with someone. Changing this sentence to something like "Matches well with women who like to banter and read" would sit a lot better with me. It's a lot less judgmental-sounding.
Another thing. You say that messaging someone first is scary. Why is it scary? Are you afraid of getting no response? IMHO, when it comes to on-line dating, changing your mindset from "What can these women do for me?" (they ought to respond, they ought to be clever, they ought to have read my favorite book) to "What I can offer to these women?" (this lady looks like a kind, intelligent person, - I can offer her a pleasant conversation, to begin with) could make messaging them a lot less scary. There is nothing scary in offering someone a complement, a curiosity, a coffee, etc., if you don't expect anything in return. Maybe they will like you, maybe they will not - one of these will happen and that's OK.
posted by LakeDream at 1:43 PM on March 9, 2021 [5 favorites]
I'm one of those people who would probably not respond to this, even though I could initially think that I like your photos. Phrasing it like this forces me to make a self-evaluation: am I clever and funny *enough*? Have I read enough for you to consider me well-read? This is not a very pleasant state from which to start an acquaintanceship with someone. Changing this sentence to something like "Matches well with women who like to banter and read" would sit a lot better with me. It's a lot less judgmental-sounding.
Another thing. You say that messaging someone first is scary. Why is it scary? Are you afraid of getting no response? IMHO, when it comes to on-line dating, changing your mindset from "What can these women do for me?" (they ought to respond, they ought to be clever, they ought to have read my favorite book) to "What I can offer to these women?" (this lady looks like a kind, intelligent person, - I can offer her a pleasant conversation, to begin with) could make messaging them a lot less scary. There is nothing scary in offering someone a complement, a curiosity, a coffee, etc., if you don't expect anything in return. Maybe they will like you, maybe they will not - one of these will happen and that's OK.
posted by LakeDream at 1:43 PM on March 9, 2021 [5 favorites]
Online dating presents a unique challenge such that you need to connect with people on a personal level to be successful but you also cannot take it personally when people opt not to do so. Actually, that could apply to all dating but perhaps online it's a bit more amplified. There's so much going on behind the scenes for any online interaction that you just can't read into it that much if you want to hang on to your sanity.
It sounds like you're frustrated with how things are going with this and I would not be surprised if that is leaking into your interactions with matches. Women can sniff this kind of thing out a mile away, especially if they've also been doing online dating for a while. Perhaps it's time to take a break? Or try a completely different approach with your profile and messages, because as a member of your target demographic (42 year old woman in Brooklyn), I agree with the others who have mentioned that the lines you provided are indeed a bit off-putting. Also, 100% of the superlikes I ever gave were by accident. For what it's worth, I had more than a few men who superliked me and then never responded, even when I messaged first. It's not a unique experience at all.
I know I've said it on this site before, but it's a numbers game. Women get a ton of messages, they don't reply to a large fraction of them, and they each deal with that barrage in their own way, whether it's unmatching, silence, or polite conversation that goes nowhere. If you want to be successful at this, it's going to take a lot of sifting through these kinds of interactions, which can be ego-bruising, but it's up to you to decide whether the potential payoff is worth it.
posted by Fuego at 2:04 PM on March 9, 2021 [5 favorites]
It sounds like you're frustrated with how things are going with this and I would not be surprised if that is leaking into your interactions with matches. Women can sniff this kind of thing out a mile away, especially if they've also been doing online dating for a while. Perhaps it's time to take a break? Or try a completely different approach with your profile and messages, because as a member of your target demographic (42 year old woman in Brooklyn), I agree with the others who have mentioned that the lines you provided are indeed a bit off-putting. Also, 100% of the superlikes I ever gave were by accident. For what it's worth, I had more than a few men who superliked me and then never responded, even when I messaged first. It's not a unique experience at all.
I know I've said it on this site before, but it's a numbers game. Women get a ton of messages, they don't reply to a large fraction of them, and they each deal with that barrage in their own way, whether it's unmatching, silence, or polite conversation that goes nowhere. If you want to be successful at this, it's going to take a lot of sifting through these kinds of interactions, which can be ego-bruising, but it's up to you to decide whether the potential payoff is worth it.
posted by Fuego at 2:04 PM on March 9, 2021 [5 favorites]
It's been a long time since I've used a dating app, but I can tell you how I found my husband on an app.
Women get 100s of messages. It's too many to deal with. We have to have some way to weed through them. And its so much that some of the criteria might be arbitrary, and absolutely not about you at all. Here's one that probably made me miss some fun dates - I didn't respond to men who didn't write in sentences like a grown up.
My hub-to-be asked me about unique things on my profile, and he had similar unique things on his. If you ask yourself, what makes you different that other people in a positive way? That answer should go on your profile. It might turn some people away, but it will really attract the right people.
Also, put a picture with your dog on your profile if it isn't already! Doing something interesting like hiking, frisbee catching, boating, showing, something to talk about, not just a "portrait" type pic. It helps people see you as a real person. That will help! But the big takeaway from what everyone's said is that women aren't being mean to you - they're overwhelmed and doing their best. Make it easier on them by standing out (just like polarizing messages get more attention, positive and negative).
posted by banjonaut at 7:26 AM on March 10, 2021 [3 favorites]
Women get 100s of messages. It's too many to deal with. We have to have some way to weed through them. And its so much that some of the criteria might be arbitrary, and absolutely not about you at all. Here's one that probably made me miss some fun dates - I didn't respond to men who didn't write in sentences like a grown up.
My hub-to-be asked me about unique things on my profile, and he had similar unique things on his. If you ask yourself, what makes you different that other people in a positive way? That answer should go on your profile. It might turn some people away, but it will really attract the right people.
Also, put a picture with your dog on your profile if it isn't already! Doing something interesting like hiking, frisbee catching, boating, showing, something to talk about, not just a "portrait" type pic. It helps people see you as a real person. That will help! But the big takeaway from what everyone's said is that women aren't being mean to you - they're overwhelmed and doing their best. Make it easier on them by standing out (just like polarizing messages get more attention, positive and negative).
posted by banjonaut at 7:26 AM on March 10, 2021 [3 favorites]
Each dating app has it's own style and if you're not seeing success with Tinder I would suggest trying a different app. I had better luck with Hinge. OKCupid used to be my favorite about 10 years ago but it seems to have decreased in popularity the last couple of years. Also agree that it's completely normal to not receive many replies.
posted by mundo at 9:21 AM on March 10, 2021
posted by mundo at 9:21 AM on March 10, 2021
37 yo cis woman. I met my now live in dude on hinge after YEARS of online dating on and off. I tried nearly every site out there.
Here's the truth. Assume every woman you see is equally if not more overwhelmed and tired by the labor of online dating as you are, and therefore evaluating your profile and messages for reasons to exclude you. Yes, it sucks, but this is how you are being sized up, and you can thank lame ass dudes for putting you in this position. Most women are not looking for reasons to say yes to interacting with you. They are looking for red flags to avoid wasted time and shit interactions.
This is because, assuming she meets even the most minimum baseline of attractiveness, she has every normal struggle you have - exhausting small talk, uncomfortable interactions that go nowhere, people who ghost, people who don't respond, people who unmatch - at a higher volume and frequency than you likely do just because she is a woman. In addition, she also has creepy interactions layered in that you are unlikely to ever encounter. First message immediately referencing something sexual? Check. Requests to send pics of your feet? check check. Start talking and seem normal and interesting and then suddenly throw a curve ball like not being the age they say or looking for some weird kink arrangement? A THOUSAND CHECKS. And no, these aren't received because women are posting scandalous pics or saying cutesy flirty stuff. You could post pics of yourself dressed like a victorian school marm and it will happen daily. No matter how I changed my profile, it never stopped, ever.
This is just what it means to be a woman trying to date online (and IRL) - a certain segment of men feel entitled to interact with you on their terms, however inappropriate, and there is nothing you can do to prevent it from happening to you. It takes about 5 minutes before your guard goes way up and your patience and enthusiasm is in the toilet. Therefore, if you want to make it through this noise with any woman who is clever, funny, and well-read, your profile and messages have to be more than fine. They have to be FANTASTIC. Your descriptions have to be specific and thoughtful, and your messages need to acknowledge something about the woman you are messaging that is personal to her, and easy for her to respond to. Bluedaisy's suggestions are spot on - take her advice. The jump in messages I got after replacing saying I was successful in my career with a joke about having a mini fridge in my office was big. Finally, you will probably have to do more lifting in the beginning and be the patient party. Remember, she's looking for reasons to disqualify you. Be prepared to prove you are qualified. That said, the bar is generally VERY LOW - being employed, personable, patient, and good-humored will get you far.
Final note if this all sounds tiring and depressing: remember what you are doing. You aren't shopping for groceries - you're searching for an authentic romantic connection. Even if you match all the time, most of these connects won't be it. There isn't a bevy of supply available when it comes to this - you're searching for one in a million. Be prepared to look long and hard, be very clear on what you do and don't want to narrow your field, and take breaks when you need it. This is a marathon, not a sprint, but it's worth the run when it happens. Good luck!
posted by amycup at 10:30 AM on March 10, 2021 [15 favorites]
Here's the truth. Assume every woman you see is equally if not more overwhelmed and tired by the labor of online dating as you are, and therefore evaluating your profile and messages for reasons to exclude you. Yes, it sucks, but this is how you are being sized up, and you can thank lame ass dudes for putting you in this position. Most women are not looking for reasons to say yes to interacting with you. They are looking for red flags to avoid wasted time and shit interactions.
This is because, assuming she meets even the most minimum baseline of attractiveness, she has every normal struggle you have - exhausting small talk, uncomfortable interactions that go nowhere, people who ghost, people who don't respond, people who unmatch - at a higher volume and frequency than you likely do just because she is a woman. In addition, she also has creepy interactions layered in that you are unlikely to ever encounter. First message immediately referencing something sexual? Check. Requests to send pics of your feet? check check. Start talking and seem normal and interesting and then suddenly throw a curve ball like not being the age they say or looking for some weird kink arrangement? A THOUSAND CHECKS. And no, these aren't received because women are posting scandalous pics or saying cutesy flirty stuff. You could post pics of yourself dressed like a victorian school marm and it will happen daily. No matter how I changed my profile, it never stopped, ever.
This is just what it means to be a woman trying to date online (and IRL) - a certain segment of men feel entitled to interact with you on their terms, however inappropriate, and there is nothing you can do to prevent it from happening to you. It takes about 5 minutes before your guard goes way up and your patience and enthusiasm is in the toilet. Therefore, if you want to make it through this noise with any woman who is clever, funny, and well-read, your profile and messages have to be more than fine. They have to be FANTASTIC. Your descriptions have to be specific and thoughtful, and your messages need to acknowledge something about the woman you are messaging that is personal to her, and easy for her to respond to. Bluedaisy's suggestions are spot on - take her advice. The jump in messages I got after replacing saying I was successful in my career with a joke about having a mini fridge in my office was big. Finally, you will probably have to do more lifting in the beginning and be the patient party. Remember, she's looking for reasons to disqualify you. Be prepared to prove you are qualified. That said, the bar is generally VERY LOW - being employed, personable, patient, and good-humored will get you far.
Final note if this all sounds tiring and depressing: remember what you are doing. You aren't shopping for groceries - you're searching for an authentic romantic connection. Even if you match all the time, most of these connects won't be it. There isn't a bevy of supply available when it comes to this - you're searching for one in a million. Be prepared to look long and hard, be very clear on what you do and don't want to narrow your field, and take breaks when you need it. This is a marathon, not a sprint, but it's worth the run when it happens. Good luck!
posted by amycup at 10:30 AM on March 10, 2021 [15 favorites]
"this sounds completely fine, I would probably swipe it."
This is what stuck out to me. As others have said above, women are overwhelmed with matches and messages. Women get hundreds of guys who's profile are "completely fine", you need to stand out.
One thing that I automatically would unmatch for is uninspired opening (I know this sounds shit, especially since its very hard to have a good opener, especially when people dont have much on their profile but hear me out). I am a foreigner in the country I live, you know how many time I got asked:
- why did I come here?
- how long have I been here?
- do I like it here?
Remember that all those boring intro questions, which generally are very fine when talking in person, can get very tedious when you get the same questions over and over and over and over and over through text on an app.
Give them something that grabs their attention. And you don't have to do hard work every time! I have a go-to ice breaker question that is weird but is definitely attention grabbing. I use it over and over because I'm not creative. Find something like that, that fits with your personality and what you want to project about yourself, and use it. Keep using it with every woman if you want! But you want to stand out, any of the boring get-to-know-you personal questions are not going to help that.
And finally, you've gotten alot of advice here, most of it telling you ways to make yourself stand out. It can seem daunting and overwhelming, but show the pride in the parts of you that you want to shine and you'll find something that works for you.
posted by LizBoBiz at 1:49 AM on March 11, 2021 [1 favorite]
This is what stuck out to me. As others have said above, women are overwhelmed with matches and messages. Women get hundreds of guys who's profile are "completely fine", you need to stand out.
One thing that I automatically would unmatch for is uninspired opening (I know this sounds shit, especially since its very hard to have a good opener, especially when people dont have much on their profile but hear me out). I am a foreigner in the country I live, you know how many time I got asked:
- why did I come here?
- how long have I been here?
- do I like it here?
Remember that all those boring intro questions, which generally are very fine when talking in person, can get very tedious when you get the same questions over and over and over and over and over through text on an app.
Give them something that grabs their attention. And you don't have to do hard work every time! I have a go-to ice breaker question that is weird but is definitely attention grabbing. I use it over and over because I'm not creative. Find something like that, that fits with your personality and what you want to project about yourself, and use it. Keep using it with every woman if you want! But you want to stand out, any of the boring get-to-know-you personal questions are not going to help that.
And finally, you've gotten alot of advice here, most of it telling you ways to make yourself stand out. It can seem daunting and overwhelming, but show the pride in the parts of you that you want to shine and you'll find something that works for you.
posted by LizBoBiz at 1:49 AM on March 11, 2021 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by deern the headlice at 8:25 PM on March 8, 2021