I won’t pray, but I’ll light a candle

March 3, 2021 2:22 PM

When I was hospitalized, a non-religious friend told me she’d light a candle for me, which I appreciated. What are some other secular actions of holding space for people who are experiencing difficulty in their lives?

(I realize candle lighting may also have religious associations, but I am wondering about other rituals or exercises people may have if, for example, a loved one is in the hospital).

posted by stillmoving to Grab Bag (17 answers total)

Making a donation to charity in their name/honor.
posted by AugustWest at 2:48 PM on March 3, 2021 [2 favorites]

Sending positive vibes- not just saying it , but actually sitting down and feeling/visualizing sending love and support towards that person
posted by DTMFA at 2:53 PM on March 3, 2021 [5 favorites]

A friend of mine made a pysanka for me and my partner, when my partner was in hospital. She used symbols that signify things like health, strength and renewal.
posted by Too-Ticky at 2:58 PM on March 3, 2021 [4 favorites]

Response by poster: These are great, thanks! NB: I am looking for things you do for people who are living (so not a donation or tree planting or other memorial-type gesture) or even just to send good vibes into the world.
posted by stillmoving at 3:01 PM on March 3, 2021

Maybe senbaruzu (a thousand origami cranes) in Japanese culture?
posted by castlebravo at 3:07 PM on March 3, 2021 [4 favorites]

I make donations all the time in someone's honor. SOmetimes it is a big moment in their life like a confirmation or graduation, sometimes just a thinking of you.

Btw, if someone planted a tree in my honor, obviously while I was living, I would be thrilled.
posted by AugustWest at 3:08 PM on March 3, 2021 [2 favorites]

It's not about holding space per se, but it's also totally about holding space - gifts. Flowers or a card or dropping off a freezer meal for them or their family, or any other token is really a physical manifestation of keeping that person in your thoughts.

I don't think anyone has ever made anyone a couple of lasagne without good will towards them.
posted by euphoria066 at 3:10 PM on March 3, 2021 [5 favorites]

Pre-COVID I would try to visit people in the hospital even if I didn't know them well, bring something simple like a magazine or newspaper or something for them (for people not seriously ill but recovering hospitals can be kind of dull and samey) and make my visit SHORT. Not everyone likes this, but often people do. Also offering, quietly, to take things away because sometimes people bring STUFF that is too much and offering to whisk it away can be a kindness. Too-Ticky has a very good point, sometimes the best way to support a person going through some stuff (who is safe and okay) is to support their support people or caregivers.
posted by jessamyn at 3:10 PM on March 3, 2021 [8 favorites]

I send someone some reiki healing, and I usually text them to get their permission and let them know when I am doing it, so they can try and feel the positive energy.
posted by Youremyworld at 3:11 PM on March 3, 2021 [3 favorites]

When my Mum had cancer, a friend made her a tiny quilt (large enough to cover the back of one of the hospital chairs) out of material printed with cranes. It felt like an invocation of the story about Sadako and the Thousand Paper Cranes.

I didn't think too hard about it at the time, but of course I knew that in the story, and in the true events it was based on, Sadako does not survive. The message remained, that someone cared enough to offer this, and that our stories go on even if we don't.
posted by Cheese Monster at 4:32 PM on March 3, 2021 [5 favorites]

So your question seems to focus on the idea of a secular holding of space, as in what lighting a candle might do in someone's memory. An intentional holding of someone in your mind, symbolized by a thought or action and done from afar. Wearing a particular piece of clothing, jewellery or colour in someone's honour? Reading aloud a poem of significance? Taking a walk and imagining their presence as you walk? Celebrating them by writing down a list of ways you are grateful to them? Setting a place at the table in their honour?
posted by nanook at 4:59 PM on March 3, 2021 [1 favorite]

Hmm, dedicating a song (by requesting it from a radio DJ)?
posted by batter_my_heart at 5:19 PM on March 3, 2021 [2 favorites]

Lots of different colored ribbons tied around trees.
posted by JoeZydeco at 6:16 PM on March 3, 2021

Mail them a card or note!
posted by emd3737 at 6:44 PM on March 3, 2021

If you’re a runner (or other endurance athlete), you can dedicate some distance of your run — say, a number with personal significance, in kilometres or miles. (Lots of us did this in memory of Ahmaud Arbery last year, but I’ve seen runners do it to honour the living as well.)
posted by armeowda at 7:04 PM on March 3, 2021

It depends on the person, but I am personally drawn to acts of service in the interests and values of the person in question. For my mother, it was cleaning neighborhood parks of trash and planting native plants for the bees. For my great-aunt, it was volunteering with the food bank and donating quilting supplies to a local reservation.
I don't always tell the intended recipient of these actions, but it seems very meaningful if I do.
posted by shesaysgo at 9:36 PM on March 3, 2021 [5 favorites]

The Quakers, even the non-theist ones, like to "keep you in the light".
posted by QuakerMel at 6:25 PM on March 7, 2021 [1 favorite]