Dating A Disabled Person - Advice for the non-Disabled

December 21, 2020 5:24 PM

I’ve recently started dating a disabled person. Not only have I not previously dated a disabled person, I haven’t even known any disabled people. Help me understand how not to be stupid, ignorant, or cause unintended difficulty or pain. What should a stock ignorant non-disabled relatively-privileged fortysomething male try to learn/understand, in order to not dumbassedly mis-navigate a relationship with an amazing intelligent disabled forthysomething female?

After 17 years during which a marriage and divorce occurred, I have recently began dating again and it just happened that the person who caught my eye is a person who is paraplegic and in a wheelchair. It has been exciting, fun, and intense. All the usual markers of new romance. It’s been largely over text (thanks, Covid) but we have seen each other a few times (after diligently sussing out and informing our respective bubbles). For the most part things have been going well (or so I thought….) however it’s recently come to my attention, in some stark and painful ways, that I may be missing some key knowledge or awareness of what to understand about, and how to navigate, certain aspects being with a disabled person.

Last night we had our first argument. Conflict is just growth trying to happen, right? Well, it didn’t end well. The argument was essentially about her having become convinced that I believe she is unfit for [significant life activity she wants very much to occur] because she is disabled. I am 99.9999999999% sure I never said anything of the kind, and 1000% sure I neither have thought nor believed such a thing. On the contrary, I am amazed and inspired by her and have often remarked to myself that her proven capability to move past challenges and achieve significant goals far outweighs my own. And I LOVE that. And yet, this argument happened, surprisingly and very fast, and she was vehemently sure that I had said and written, repeatedly, that I believe her unfit, and wouldn’t listen to me try to explain otherwise. Feelings were hurt. I don’t know if it’s irreparable but it certainly could be. It fucking sucks.

I realize there are a million other factors that could be at play here, having nothing at all to do with the fact that she’s disabled. We each bring a heckuva lot of history, baggage, trauma, etc. into it. I think we’ve each been very open and vulnerable about these other aspects of our selves, our pasts ; and I know we’ve both been in and around A LOT of therapy to perhaps be able to be somewhat facile at navigating whatever discussions would ensue.

So, if for the sake of this discussion we put aside the notion that one or more of these other non-disability-related factors is the prime factor in the painful happening of last night, I wonder: is there anything in particular that a stock ignorant non-disabled relatively-privileged fortysomething male should learn/understand, in order to not horrifically mis-navigate a relationship with an amazing intelligent disabled forthysomething female?

Thanks, AskMe.

posted by armoir from antproof case to Human Relations (18 answers total)

Disabled people are people.

If you treat your partner as a person, including talking to her openly the way you would anyone else, trying to figure out where the disconnect is, that's a good step.

There's no particular magic here. Disability comes in many forms, I'm blind, I can't really speak to what her particular challenges might be. Please don't fall into the trap of viewing her as an inspiration, if you can avoid it, that's potentially really hurtful, or at least awkward for everyone involved.

In short, don't look at this through the lens of her disability because the issues seem more interpersonal than anything.
posted by Alensin at 5:38 PM on December 21, 2020 [20 favorites]

Oh hey! I am not a disabled person (other than glasses, anxiety, sorts of things) but I spend a lot of time paying attention to disability Twitter, and if it's a platform you use, you might gain some knowledge just by following along and listening. You can start with Alice Wong who has written a recent book called Disability Visibility which contains a lot of first person narratives. Right now I'm reading Sitting Pretty which is by Rebekah Taussig and her public instagram is a really good look into some of the aspects of being a disabled woman being married to a non-disabled guy.

Might also be worth, if you're not already aware, getting to learn about the social model of disability, the general idea that the main "issues" for disabled people are a result of the world not being set up for them, not whatever differences in motion/movement/vision/hearing/etc they may have. It's a different outlook than I think many people are used to, and it's a view that is worth really getting to know. I watched the movie Crip Camp on Netflix recently and it definitely gets out a similar message (and talks about disability rights movements in a way that is centered around the experiences of the disabled people doing the most activism/agitating)

In terms of the miscommunication you and she have had, it might be worth not trying to pick it apart for now, restating that's not how you feel, asking if there's a way you can help her with [life activity] and not defending yourself in any particular way. As Alensin says, she's a person, you had a disagreement, everyone's having a hard time thanks to COVID. I hope you can find a way to work through this and find some comfort with each other.
posted by jessamyn at 5:39 PM on December 21, 2020 [12 favorites]

Speaking as a disabled person here but I am not a wheelchair user and thus don't have that specific experience as my disabilities affect my hearing and sight. Possibly your conscious mind doesn't feel that you said or did anything that warranted the start of the argument but perhaps your partner is responding to subconscious microaggressions? I also agree that covid stress is helping no one here and may have played a part in the direction the argument went and as you mentioned, you both have your own emotional baggage which could be at play here.

But ultimately, she felt a certain way and it's worth discussing with her what happened. Perhaps even though you don't believe she's unfit in some way, you may be exhibiting behaviors that make her feel that you see her as unfit - like trying too hard to do things for her that she can do on her own (even if it causes her some difficulty). Or something like that. But there are times when I feel that people are underestimating what I can do and are "helpful" in ways that I find to be infantilizing and that's frustrating. And the thing with microaggressions is that they build up over time and can cause a person to react much more harshly to a seemingly small thing but it's really the weight of so many things finally causing the dam to break.

And I 100% agree with Alensin's comment above to not view her as inspirational. It's so frustrating when non-disabled people see a disabled person doing regular, everyday things and talk about how inspirational they are just for existing as people in the world. If you're not familar with the concept of "inspiration porn" then you should definitely familiarize yourself with it. I can't speak to how your partner feels about it because she is an individual in her own right with her own opinions and ideas, but it's a good idea not to fall into that trap with disabled people. That is not to say that she isn't an accomplished person who isn't worth celebrating but be aware of what it is you're actually praising. "Wow, you earned this because you worked so hard!" is a fair compliment. "Wow, you accomplished this even though you're disabled! That's amazing!" is a shitty compliment.

Ultimately, this should be a conversation with her. How does she prefer that you behave in certain situations? What are the circumstances in which helping her is warranted and in which cases should you just let her handle it herself? Are there words and phrases you've used that were problematic? Etc.
posted by NotTheRedBaron at 6:08 PM on December 21, 2020 [18 favorites]

I can say I've successfully dated a person with a disability for...

*checks calendar*

...over two decades, so I guess it's been a while. I'm told I'm not a total shithead, so I'll take it. My husband's blind, so a different scenario as far as what we encounter together, or him individually, on a day-to-day basis as far as lived experience goes, but I've learned a bunch of things along the way.

So I think I can address a few things from the person-without-a-disability-in-the-relationship perspective:

"I am 99.9999999999% sure I never said anything of the kind, and 1000% sure I neither have thought nor believed such a thing."

- When in doubt, always ask. Never make assumptions. Asking "Why is it that what I said makes you think that?" is a good step here, while at the same time not coming back with "No, but..." and instead taking a bit of time to think through what she tells you.

"I am amazed and inspired by her"

- See Alensin's comment above regarding "inspiration." I'd also recommend Stella Young's commentary on "inspiration porn." This is a critical switch in thinking and perception that you're going to need to make.

On the one hand, there's a big learning curve because the broader public discourse around disability and accessibility is generally mired in pig-ignorance and outright bigotry. And a great deal of it masquerades as "good intentions" in the minds of the people responsible for it. It's important to understand that there is a great deal to learn, and you're starting from a deficit.

And yeah, an argument is sometimes just an argument. People are people and we all have shit days, and things are certainly stressful for a whole bunch of reasons right now. You may have been misunderstood -- but you may have happened upon a particular way of talking about something that's really hurtful or demeaning, even if you are absolutely clear in your mind that you didn't mean it to be taken that way. So you'll want to listen very carefully to why that is.

The other way I think about it is this: 21 years in and I'm still learning.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 6:22 PM on December 21, 2020 [13 favorites]

On the contrary, I am amazed and inspired by her and have often remarked to myself that her proven capability to move past challenges and achieve significant goals far outweighs my own. And I LOVE that.
So, she hasn't had a choice in this, right? If you are highlighting this and gushing about all that she has achieved in spite of X (even if only to yourself), then you are suggesting she had an alternative.

Also, I'd be careful not to assume that anything that comes up about is about disability. As Alensin said, this sounds like an interpersonal and communication conflict. Sometimes in relationships, it doesn't matter what you felt or said, but what your partner heard and felt. Explaining what you really meant is often just a path to more stress. The thing to do is try to center her feelings. Maybe she was stressed because of previous experience, or maybe you really did say something that felt insensitive to her. The way to find out is by listening.

Also, I know dating in Covid times is complicated, but you said you've primarily been texting and gotten together in person "a few times." In my dating experience over the past few years, texting without in person interactions can create a sense of false intimacy, of knowing each other really well when you don't. If this argument happened via text, I really want to encourage you to pick up the phone or get on video chat or get together outside or whatever makes sense, so you can have a conversation. Also, if a few dates is only two or three, think about what it means to have such a gigantic argument so early in your dating. If this is really your first real foray into dating since the end of a long relationship, I'd be careful about investing so much if there's a lot of conflict early on.
posted by bluedaisy at 6:26 PM on December 21, 2020 [8 favorites]

Highly recommend Becoming an Ally by Anne Bishop for learning about what it means to hold power as an able-bodied person, and what to do when the way you are holding power hurts her.

I would suggest listening carefully to why she felt like what you said meant what it did, and willing yourself to not get defensive, but to be open to the possibility that you held power as an able-bodied person in a way that caused her harm. Seriously, scan your body for feelings of defensiveness or tightness, and then relax.

Ask her about what it felt like for her, what kinds of behaviour make her feel like this, what her history with being treated like this is, and how you can be more supportive in the future. Be present and listen and ask questions about her experience that are guided by your own curiosity and by wanting to know her and know how to treat her well. Commit to learning and doing something different. Ask her if there is anything specific she needs from you to repair this.

We all come to relationships experiencing different histories of oppression and experiencing differences in where we hold social power. Learning how to hold it well, how to apologize, how to bridge across differences in power and be a good ally is key to making this work. We all have power. We all cause harm. Being able to let go of the idea that you're a good person who doesn't hold ableist beliefs, and then to examine the ableist beliefs you do hold is key to being able to be a good ally. It's probably work you'll need to do on your own, so that you don't cause her to do the extra emotional labour of educating you.
posted by unstrungharp at 6:33 PM on December 21, 2020 [14 favorites]

On the contrary, I am amazed and inspired by her and have often remarked to myself that her proven capability to move past challenges and achieve significant goals far outweighs my own.

Yeah, as others have commented, you may not mean it this way but this sounds very close to inspiration porn. Definitely make sure that, even if you don't think that way, it's not coming across that way in your speech or acts. Also, I'm sure you have your reasons for not disclosing the significant activity you're talking about, but it might help. There are specific issues to different kinds of activities, with certain stereotypes or specific trigger points, that might be easier to identify if we knew what you were referring to.

I'm disabled and have previously used a wheelchair, though I don't currently and am not paraplegic. Some intro reading:

- Social model of disability
- Wheelchair etiquette

Oops, I've gotta run--will try and come back and finish this later, posting now in case I don't get the chance.
posted by brook horse at 6:36 PM on December 21, 2020 [6 favorites]

I am amazed and inspired by her and have often remarked to myself that her proven capability to move past challenges and achieve significant goals far outweighs my own. And I LOVE that.

This stood out to me. I'm not disabled but I am a minority and that kind of speak is so annoyingly patronising I would find it hard to believe that your partner did not feel the same way. The "aren't you amazing? look at you, little one!" Tiny Tim vibe feels like objectification to me. It implies very low expectations too which is really offensive. I compare it to when people call someone from one of my minority groups "articulate" (in this case, the black community).

It used to be the case that when society was more openly prejudiced you would look to people's insults to reveal what they thought. These days, in slightly more conscious times, we have to now look at people's "compliments".
posted by ihaveyourfoot at 9:27 PM on December 21, 2020 [37 favorites]

It implies very low expectations too which is really offensive.

Graeme Innes, former Disability Commissioner at the Australian Human Rights Commission, once called it "the soft bigotry of low expectations" in a talk he gave. It might be a quote from someone else but he's where I heard it first.

I work with people with disability and second everything written above. I've made a lot of mistakes in the last few years. I've asked people in wheelchairs to use the stairs, left a vision-impaired lady with a broken leg standing alone in the middle of a crowded public square, and in one incident with way too many witnesses I walked my blind friend into a wall while I got through the doorway. And the most important thing I've learned from these mistakes is that I am absolutely, definitely, 100% going to make a heap more.

I am still friends and colleagues with all of these people even though I was alternately laughed at and yelled at by the person affected by my actions. Shit happens! Like Anne of Green Gables I try not to make the same mistake twice, but I keep finding new mistakes to make because there is so much to learn.

And that's ok! You've made the best first step by asking here for what you need to learn. The linked videos and books and resources above are so good. But if you can be humble, and work really, really, really hard on not being defensive when you fuck it up, you will be so glad because it will change your world in the best way. Each time you do fuck it up, apologise sincerely and ask what you should do next time the situation comes up. Then make sure you do that thing. You have to earn the benefit of the doubt, because your good intentions are not enough to outweigh the impact of your mistakes.
posted by harriet vane at 2:54 AM on December 22, 2020 [8 favorites]

You're getting great answers here.

I'm a woman in my 40s and disabled with end stage renal, which required dialysis, constant medical interventions, and now caring for a rather unruly transplant. I wanted to levelset a bit here about how your question begins: "Not only have I not previously dated a disabled person, I haven’t even known any disabled people." I promise you, you have met people with disabilities. Hundreds of us. Perhaps thousands of us. Disabilities come in a lot of forms, both visible and not visible. Depression, for example, is a kind of disability. Nearsightedness. Dyslexia. Autism.

I'm mentioning this here because I think it's really easy to other people who happen to have very specific and visually obvious disabilities, like people who need mobility assistance, as people whose existence is unfathomably different from your own.

Let's say you're nearsighted and need glasses, which is common and likely in our 40s. This impacts your life in some way -- like, you can't drive or see a movie without them. If you swim, you have to plan in advance where to put them near the pool so you can find them again when you get out. Dealing with glasses is part of your daily life, though, and though it adds a layer of complexity to your day and your day would be nearly impossible without them, you know how to use them, you get exams, you go about your life. If someone said they were amazed or inspired by you for your brave and tireless courage in the face of nearsightedness, it would feel super weird to you. If someone framed their description of you to strangers as, This is armoir, he wears glasses, but he is able to take on challenges and achieve his goals, you would think they were ridiculous and overly dramatic. To you, you're just a person who needs and uses glasses, doing exactly what most people who deal with nearsightedness would do to just live their lives.

Obviously, everyone's going to have their own complexities, but that's the general idea. Living with a disability doesn't necessarily mean every day is a Lifetime movie.

And as with any relationship, the interpersonal is the most important, exactly as people are saying above. Like, my disability means that it's especially important that I'd need someone who gets that some days are better than others, that planning things is typically a lot more complicated, that I need to get a lot of rest, that maybe rock climbing and hang gliding perhaps aren't ideal hobbies for us to enjoy together. But like, I'd also need someone who could roll with my bad jokes and my bad habit of leaving clothes sitting in the washer for two days, but who thinks I'm kind and funny enough to make it all worth it.
posted by mochapickle at 4:05 AM on December 22, 2020 [42 favorites]

Deaf guy here.

1. Disabled people are people first.
2. If we need you to make a specific accommodation, we will tell you.
3. We are hyper-fucking-aware of our disability, and how others are responding to it.

Generally, while our disability is a thing, it's not the only thing that defines us. Probably not even the primary thing. Just be cool about it, and please don't make it into something bigger. It's already big.

I have no idea what your fight was about, and I've even less of an idea who's right or wrong here, but #3 is definitely a thing, and unconscious bias is definitely a thing, and maybe it's time to really listen. Nothing wrong with that.
posted by Capt. Renault at 8:26 AM on December 22, 2020 [7 favorites]

"the soft bigotry of low expectations"

An interesting search term might be benevolent abelism

she was vehemently sure that I had said and written, repeatedly, that I believe her unfit, and wouldn’t listen to me try to explain otherwise

When you tell someone that they have written or said something that hurt you, are you looking for them to tell you that you are wrong? Or are you looking for them to apologize and to demonstrate that they understand how what they wrote/said was hurtful so that they can avoid it in the future? Instead of defending yourself, this is a chance for you to learn how to better make sure that the impact of your words matches their intentions, which they clearly are not currently doing.
posted by solotoro at 8:34 AM on December 22, 2020 [7 favorites]

What should a stock ignorant non-disabled relatively-privileged fortysomething male try to learn/understand
How to shut their mouth and listen when someone is talking to them, especially about feelings. It sounds like you jumped immediately into denial mode. As a disabled person, I'm really familiar with this kind of response when I push back at someone when they treat me like a child or when they act like I'm incapable of doing something because they somehow have sussed out the limitations of my disability better than I have, even though I've lived this way my whole life.

Frankly, I've noticed that a lot of people who date me seem to use my disability as a way to treat me like a child, or like I'm lesser than they are and either (1) not worthy of love (2) like I need some kind of protection or (3) like I'm some kind of amazing inspiration who will absolutely fall right off the pedestal you have built for me because I am just a human. So I'm absolutely on high alert about these things when I date, and it would surprise me if your girlfriend was also not on high alert for this kind of behavior. And if I try to bring up an issue with them and they dismiss me? That's just more evidence that they think that they know better than I do. That we are not equals in the relationship, but that I am lesser than they are. Gender compounds this dynamic.

So the real answer is to not think of your girlfriend as an inspiration, but as a human who is capable of her own thoughts and feelings. Don't dismiss her when she tries to talk to you about things, even if you don't agree. Listen more. You don't have to agree with her, and you don't have to date her if you think that she's putting blame on you that you don't deserve, but your inability to sit back and hear what she has to say and consider it would be a huge red flag if I were in her situation.
posted by k8lin at 9:03 AM on December 22, 2020 [12 favorites]

Be careful. Maybe there was a miscommunication, or maybe the women you’re dating who happens to have a disability also happens to be manipulative, or a narcissistic, or borderline. I’m not aware of any relationship between the two nor am I trying to imply there is one, just that disabled people are perfectly capable of emotional abuse and this sounds like a very rocky start.

Be curious as others have said. If she can’t convince you by referring to a specific incident, this sounds like it will be a communication nightmare. This is a romantic partner, soft bigotry of low expectations applies to interpersonal behavior as well.
posted by stoneandstar at 9:07 AM on December 22, 2020 [4 favorites]

I have a prosthetic leg. Nthing advice to just listen and just treat her like a person. Not going to pile on in re: inspiration.
posted by 8603 at 12:12 PM on December 22, 2020 [1 favorite]

>wouldn’t listen to me try to explain otherwise.

But you need to listen to her. She's convinced that you think she's unfit for X because she's disabled - you need to really understand how she came to that, shut up, listen, not interrupt, and not defend yourself until she's done saying her piece. And be ready to be wrong that you did a microaggression or you said something wrong that you thought wasn't wrong, whatever the case may be. Either that, or you said something that was completely in the clear, and she heard you wrong, jumped to conclusions and she has crappy communication skills (or you both do, which has nothing to do with her disability in this case). Or maybe a combination of both.

Here's what I suggest. Text her something like, "I'd really like to understand where you're coming from. Can we have a phone or video call and you tell me what hurt you? I won't interrupt you until you're done and I promise to listen and think for awhile about what I've done. I think you're amazing and want to keep seeing you."

As you can imagine, this type of script would work in almost any situation, disability or not. The point is to listen, be empathetic, don't interrupt, don't defend yourself, reflect on what she said and what you did, learn from it, change your thoughts and actions. If you still disagree with her, then maybe this is something that you can't move past and you have a fundamental incompatibility (better to find out sooner than later IMO).

And totally agree with the inspiration porn stuff.
posted by foxjacket at 1:43 PM on December 22, 2020 [6 favorites]

she was vehemently sure that I had said and written, repeatedly, that I believe her (REDACTED), and wouldn’t listen to me try to explain otherwise

So I am not disabled, and don't have any particular advice for navigating this argument around disability.

However, as a human who occasionally disagrees with people, I suggest you look at the part of your question I quoted above with a single word removed. Try this -- Imagine that you are reading a question about two people you don't know on a website... and that you don't know anything about what these people were disagreeing about, or about any abilities or disabilities they might or might not have. Can you think of a better way the person asking the question could have handled things? Maybe an option other than to try to explain to the person whose feelings were hurt that they were wrong?
posted by yohko at 3:46 PM on December 22, 2020 [2 favorites]

The above answers are great. I’ll tease out the idea of following disabled Twitter folks because it will really help you identify your unconscious bias. Imani Barbarin is a great person to start with, especially the hashtag #abledsareweird.
posted by matildaben at 9:59 PM on December 22, 2020 [2 favorites]