What is this?

December 12, 2020 10:22 PM

We met on a dating site and have been hanging out for five months on and off, 1-2 times a month. A move has not been made aside from a hug. What is this and is it worth it to ask?

Basically what it says in the title. We met on a dating site, and the first time we met talked about what we wanted in a partner and so on or out of dating. I find that the conversation flows when we are in person, and we've been in pretty frequent contract recently, but I'm not getting any outright moves from him, aside from him having initiated hello and goodbye hugs. I feel like some of the last times I've seen him I wondered if it might be the time that we would kiss or something along those lines, but it just hasn't evolved in that direction, and I'm not sure why. It just feels weird to keep hanging out with someone who I met off a dating site and for a move to have never been made, though I guess part of me likes the idea of getting to know someone well first.

In terms of reciprocity I would say both of us have issued invitations and so on to the other person, it feels more or less mutual along the lines of who has initiated hanging out. Though after the very first time we met sometime in July or August, we had a really nice saying goodbye conversation where it seemed like we both wanted to see the other again, but he didn't really follow up and I ended up being the one to ask for the second date. I've been on a date or two with other people in the last few months as well.

Possible factors as to why nothing is happening here:
- his parents live nearby, he's trying to be careful about COVID I think
- maybe I'm not giving signals to him? I feel like I've been a little on the fence on something which is why I haven't tried making a move myself. I like talking to him, find him to be an interesting and attractive person and in some ways I can envision him as a partner who kind of meshes well with me - like, we seem to be on the same wavelength in terms of our view of the universe and politics which feels important. He seems like a decent and nurturing and curious/intelligent person with integrity. But ...? I don't know.

Or maybe he's just not that into me... the only other time I had hung out with someone from a dating website this many times without a move being made that turned out to be the reason why.

The thing is it's now just getting to the point where I feel like I'd like to know what this relationship is, whether we're going to be friends or if he's interested in something more. I feel like I don't know how to communicate about that though, except for asking outright and I'm afraid if I ask outright, it will make things weird in one way or another. I think if he said he just wanted to be friends I would have to mentally adjust a little before I felt kind of okay with that, but if he said he wanted or was interested in more, I guess I am not sure that I'd be like, "hell yeah let's go for it!" Maybe you're supposed to think "hell yeah" before anything happens, but on the other hand, I could see a scenario where I would think not "hell yeah" but "this could be nice" and eventually get to "hell yeah!".

Anyway, I don't know what other information to include here, but this is my situation and I'm wondering what to do - say something, or not? If I say something what do I say and how do I say it? Please advise.

posted by knownfossils to Human Relations (24 answers total)

Well, this is one of those situations where there is one person who can definitely answer this, and it’s not strangers on the internet. You are waiting for him to make a move, but the move might be to start a conversation at least. “So, we met on a dating site and have been seeing each other a few times a month...”
posted by bluedaisy at 10:33 PM on December 12, 2020 [8 favorites]

I'm not getting any outright moves from him... maybe I'm not giving signals to him?

Semaphore is a particularly poor method of communication. Use your words and just ask him.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:38 PM on December 12, 2020 [30 favorites]

What DarlingBri said.
posted by armoir from antproof case at 10:40 PM on December 12, 2020

I get a lot of mileage out of acknowledging potential awkwardness up front, and any feelings you have about that. As in,

"Hey, this has the potential to be a little awkward and I'm a bit nervous about that, but..." (Or try without the minimisers.)

You could also use "so things are a little weird all round because of covid..."

Be ready, yourself, for any outcomes before you start, but asking this question shows you obviously do want to know very much.

This internet stickybeak would love to know how you go, good luck!
posted by freethefeet at 10:54 PM on December 12, 2020 [10 favorites]

The only thing we can advise you to do is to talk to him. Obviously none of us can predict what the outcome of that conversation will be, but if you need encouragement - if you met on a dating site and he's been making the effort to see you for months even during COVID-times (when logistics of such things are much more difficult for most people), your chances are good, IMO.

FWIW, I met my current guy around the same time you did this summer, and was stuck in this exact situation for a couple months. I initiated a conversation using almost exactly the opener bluedaisy provided above (eerie!). Turns out he was just shy. Things have been going well since. Be brave!
posted by btfreek at 10:55 PM on December 12, 2020 [5 favorites]

I'm not a fan of asking directly because the reality is that men will lie and tell you what they think you want to hear. If you do, you should be prepared for the possibility that he isn't being honest with you in order to string you along.

Personally I would just move on. This guy is an adult, if he is shy or is trying to be careful about COVID, he can just tell you.
posted by chernoffhoeffding at 11:00 PM on December 12, 2020 [5 favorites]

I agree with the other folks here saying that talking to him about this is the best strategy. It might also be helpful to reflect a bit more on what you want out of the relationship in the immediate term — if he is interested in building towards a more serious relationship, do you want concrete actions associated with that in the short term, or just the knowledge that he wants the to build the relationship to be more serious? If it's the former, just asking for the specific things you want might be sufficient for now (although you should definitely still have the "what is this relationship" discussion at some point).

If you are interested in trying to have a more serious relationship, asking for that is the best move. There are two outcomes there: either he's interested in that, or he's not. You're worried about "making things weird" if he's not interested, but whether things will be weird or not if there's a mismatch in what you want is up to him, not you — if it turns out that he pulls back from your friendship because you expressed romantic interest, that incompatibility will have been there all along, you'll just have hurried up finding out about it.
posted by wesleyac at 11:02 PM on December 12, 2020 [2 favorites]

I think what may be holding you back is your lack of certainty about your own feelings. It might help to acknowledge that up-front.

"I wanted us to talk openly about where this friendship is going and what's complicated, and the reason I didn't bring it up sooner, is that I'm unsure, myself. What do you think?"

it's MUCH easier said than done, I KNOW. But honesty and openness is the only way.
posted by cranberrymonger at 11:38 PM on December 12, 2020 [12 favorites]

I suspect you are reading the situation perfectly. He likes you but he's not sure if he likes you enough to have a couples relationship, although that is what he is looking for; he's picked up the idea that you are not sure either. He probably figures if he pushes for more you might walk and if he wants more he's waiting for you to signal interest. Or if he really would rather be friends you've got that currently, so it's good, even if he doesn't rule out more later. But he's not a creep so he's not pushing for sex. Although he is wondering if you are definitely not into him.

Ambivalence has met ambivalence and both feel that it is nice. Caution has met caution and both feel it would be prudent to wait until the other plays the first card.

I suggest you keep on the way you are going until one day you turn around and either jump his bones, or you tell him you got engaged to the guy you have been dating, or you maybe even realise the kids have left home and gone to college. If anything happens to make you decide you'd rather not go on like this, act on it then.

Try finding out more about him if you aren't ready to ask him if he is into you or not, as you might decide you are definitely not into him if you learn he is into Woody Allen, or you might decide he's gunna give you babies if you hear about how he tried to donate his kidney to his ex girlfriend from middle school but her cousin was a better match.
posted by Jane the Brown at 12:15 AM on December 13, 2020 [8 favorites]

Sometimes people can be shy, and you have to be the one to make the first move. Even if you're not sure if he's "the one" some move needs to be made to find that out. It's generally expected that it's the guy that does this, but if you want to explore this relationship further, it's time to be a little bold and find out how that goes. That's what I had to do with my partner... 19 years ago. It can be worth the risk!
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 12:32 AM on December 13, 2020 [4 favorites]

You sound pretty ambivalent about how you feel to me and if you’re signalling that to this fellow, it would explain why he hasn’t made a move. If you’re not showing any interest beyond turning up, chances are he doesn’t want to risk getting rejected. If you like him, show him! You don’t have to jump his bones, or have an explicit state of our relationship meeting. Take his hand. Touch his shoulder. Flirt a bit. Give him a reason to think if he goes in for a kiss, you’ll reciprocate, or heck, just do it yourself. Either way, put both of you out of your misery so you can know and move forward. Or if the thought of this is enough to make you not want to try anything, then that’s your answer and tell him you’re moving on.
posted by Jubey at 2:06 AM on December 13, 2020 [10 favorites]

And update us here :)
posted by intermod at 7:36 AM on December 13, 2020 [4 favorites]

It seems like he could have written this post almost verbatim, right? (Modulo gender pronouns in the event that you are not also a man, and with some differences in who made which signals. For example, he might say, "I've initiated hugs several times, and knownfossils seems OK with them, but it never seems to escalate beyond that.")

It seems odd to be baffled by someone else's behavior when it's outwardly indistinguishable from your own behavior.

Perhaps he's not making a move for the same reason you're not making a move. Or perhaps he fears rejection, or fears intimacy, or fears commitment. Perhaps he's just so happy with the status quo that he doesn't want to risk changing anything. Or perhaps he's just not that into you.

You yourself seem to have complex and ambivalent—almost contradictory—feelings. You would have to "mentally adjust" to the idea of being just friends, but you are not enthuastic about the idea of being more than friends. Perhaps his own feelings are similarly nuanced.

Since you've been settled into this routine for several months, it does seem likely that nothing is going to change unless you make it change. And since you are unhappy with the status quo, you should do so, probably by talking to him (or even by going in for a kiss yourself, if that's more your style).

You didn't mention your gender or suggest that gender might be a factor (other than by tagging this post "men"), but in the event that you are a woman, you might consider whether you are expecting him to make the first move because he is a man and you are a woman. If so, keep in mind that it's the 21st century and not everyone buys into the old-timey gender norms stuff. It's possible for men to be shy and anxious to the extent of being uncomfortable initiating an intimate relationship (just as women can be), and you might have to step out of the comfort zone of your traditional gender role for at least a moment if you want something to happen here.
posted by Syllepsis at 1:12 PM on December 13, 2020 [2 favorites]

If this was the beforetimes, I'd assume he's either super shy or not that into you. But now you have to factor Covid safety into the mix of why there's no touching. I have no idea how we factor Covid safety or Covid depression or Covid anything into figuring out whether or not a guy LIKElikes us any more.

I feel like I don't know how to communicate about that though, except for asking outright and I'm afraid if I ask outright, it will make things weird in one way or another.

I absolutely agree with you that it is going to make things weird if you ask, especially if it isn't mutual feelings. Unfortunately, given current circumstances, I feel that the only thing I can suggest is to agree with everyone else who says to ask, because saying "Kiss him and see what happens" isn't something you can just do any more.

But it's better to know now if he's just not that into you sexually, or keeping his distance because of Covid, or what. Bite the bullet and if it gets weird, the relationship such as it is will likely end anyway, so what does it matter. At least then you know and can move on with your life, or transition into platonic friendship, or quarantine for two weeks and then shag it out.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:26 PM on December 13, 2020

I think if he said he just wanted to be friends I would have to mentally adjust a little before I felt kind of okay with that, but if he said he wanted or was interested in more, I guess I am not sure that I'd be like, "hell yeah let's go for it!"

right, so neither of you want to put your cards on the table first because it's always a letdown to find out that the other person isn't any more into you than you are into them. suppose he is interested. do you want him to say so first because it would change how you felt about him and influence you into saying Yes (i.e. do you want to be interested and want him to help you feel interested via feeling desired), or because you would then have all the power to choose and none of the uncertainty that comes with being the first to speak?

either he feels the same way you do, or he is well aware that you're not sure and doesn't want to pressure you and fuck it up. you have to decide whether the worst thing for you would be the awkwardness of rejecting someone (in that case, speak now, not to ask him how he feels but to say how you do) or the disappointment of being rejected (in that case, hold your peace).

also one or two times a month is never going to lead to anything naturally, no matter how long it goes on for. with that long a gap between dates, you don't develop the physical comfort of familiarity that comes with seeing someone frequently. so it is unlikely to just happen organically the way it might if you were seeing each other more.
posted by queenofbithynia at 1:35 PM on December 13, 2020 [1 favorite]

Just for a data point - when I (cis straight male) started dating after my divorce, I overthought EVERY single interaction or signal or perceived signal and it made the reality of physical interaction fraught with anxiety because I didn't want to come across as a creep.

On our second date (several years ago now), we were hanging out at my place and I asked my now-girlfriend if she was ready to go get dinner and she said "Um, could we make out first?" and I was hugely relieved.

I'm not clear in your question if you want him to make a move or just clarity of where things are heading. Agree with the others that a conversation is your best option.
posted by Twicketface at 2:02 PM on December 13, 2020 [5 favorites]

On a related note, "Are you in a situationship?" might be beneficial to you to watch. (She also advises asking.)
posted by jenfullmoon at 3:25 PM on December 13, 2020

Response by poster: Well, I asked. He said he likes me but COVID was making him go slower. I asked what his views were on what that meant, what slow meant and he said he wondered if it didn't mean that maybe his anxiety about the whole thing was such that we should just be friends. I responded that if he felt that way maybe we should just be friends and I liked him though I was still hashing out my feelings but said I didn't want to put a lot of time into something that didn't eventually go somewhere. Was that a reasonable response? I guess it was an honest response. I don't want to make anyone go faster than they feel comfortable but the whole thing just feels like there's too much inertia at this point to be fulfilling as a romantic relationship.

I guess that's that. He never responded to my last message or hasn't yet and I'm feeling a little bit at loose ends.
posted by knownfossils at 2:20 PM on December 15, 2020 [3 favorites]

I think an honest response is exactly the right response, and even if it means it didn't work out (although I think it may be too early to be sure) this internet stranger is proud of you for having the courage to have the conversation. You'll be glad you did, too, in the long run.
posted by forza at 3:45 PM on December 15, 2020 [5 favorites]

It sounds a bit like you were each waiting for the other to be vulnerable and push forward? But neither of you would but instead kept sort of retreating? Like, it sounds like your response to him was, "If you don't like me, then I guess I don't like you." Except he didn't say he didn't like you. He said he was having anxiety that felt like it could be pandemic-related... but not that he didn't like you. But, he didn't send strong signs of being very interested either.

It sounds like you did this via text? That's a tricky way to have this kind of conversation. I realize it feels easier, but for future reference, I think this a great conversation to have in person or at least over the phone or via video chat. Preferably during a moment when you feel connected.

If this is a guy you like, you could get together again. But if you're ready to be done, then... I guess just decide you're done?
posted by bluedaisy at 5:02 PM on December 15, 2020

Response by poster: Not to get into back and forth cause I know that's not a MetaFilter thing but - I did suggest talking over the phone, it just turned into a text because he asked what was up when I asked if he wanted to talk.

I do like him. I guess, I just wanted it to advance in some way shape or form that would help me confirm or grow in my feelings...it feels hard to do this if we're riding the brakes.
posted by knownfossils at 5:09 PM on December 15, 2020

You know, in normal times, I would say that reluctance is a red flag. But in this pandemic, when none of us know what we are doing... maybe he was scared to make a move, and didn't want to offend you. I think I might suggest giving it one more chance. I don't know that you have a lot to lose. You could call (!) or text and say, "Hey, I like you. I'd like us to move forward in a way that feels good to both of us. Is that something you would like to do?" I would try to be direct and not hedge. The worse case scenario is he says no. But right now, you're in this weird in-between place. Having a clearer path forward, or stopping, seems like it might be okay?
posted by bluedaisy at 8:33 PM on December 15, 2020

Yeah - call him, you asked for a call, and I think this conversation deserves one.

And if you don't get an answer that feels good to you on that call, trust your intuition. COVID or not, you deserve to find someone who feels excited about you, not anxious.
posted by greenish at 9:07 AM on December 16, 2020

I interpret this as, he may like you, but not all that much if he's already saying you should just be friends and he's anxious and you would like to progress and he's not ready.

At least you know. Especially if you never hear from him again after that.
posted by jenfullmoon at 12:36 PM on December 16, 2020