Awful Christmas CD recommendations.
November 16, 2020 11:55 AM   Subscribe

My family has a tiny tradition of gifting one another with a truly terrible Christmas CD. For example: Billy Idol, William Shatner, Olivia Newton-John & John Travolta, and Tiny Tim. I'm ready to buy another -- any in this, er, oeuvre that you know about?
posted by JanetLand to Media & Arts (38 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
 
Bootsy Collins has a Christmas album that starts off so completely awesome, but quickly turns into 'OK, that's enough now'.
posted by Capt. Renault at 12:01 PM on November 16, 2020 [2 favorites]


It's self-aware, but A Very Spidey Christmas from Into the Spiderverse was actually released as an EP.
posted by jozxyqk at 12:02 PM on November 16, 2020 [2 favorites]


Death Row Records - Christmas on Death Row
Duck the Halls: A Robertson Family Christmas
William Hung - Hung for the Holidays
Star Wars: Christmas in the Stars
Keith Sweat - A Christmas of Love
posted by box at 12:04 PM on November 16, 2020 [1 favorite]


Jingle Cats
posted by FencingGal at 12:06 PM on November 16, 2020 [11 favorites]


The Six Million Dollar Man Christmas Album! Unfortunately not on CD but plenty of LPs available on eBay.
posted by AzraelBrown at 12:08 PM on November 16, 2020 [1 favorite]


Extremely talented operatic tenor Jonas Kaufmann has released a Christmas album that I can only imagine meets your needs based on this perfectly ghastly track.
posted by less of course at 12:09 PM on November 16, 2020 [3 favorites]


I bought the Erasure Christmas Album, which proved to be a one-and-done listening.
posted by Capt. Renault at 12:12 PM on November 16, 2020 [1 favorite]


I like to pop in Bob Dylan's Christmas In The Heart and see how long it takes to have someone turn it off.
posted by andrewzipp at 12:15 PM on November 16, 2020 [5 favorites]




The worst Christmas album I've ever heard was the Hall & Oates one that came free from U-Line packaging (before I found out how politically awful they are). But it's not bad in a fun way, it just makes you want to die.

Not on CD, but this is the best worst Christmas song ever.
posted by rikschell at 12:17 PM on November 16, 2020 [4 favorites]


I like to pop in Bob Dylan's Christmas In The Heart and see how long it takes to have someone turn it off.

Yes, beat me to it, but this is consistently bad. Just try to get through one song never mind the whole album.
posted by jeremias at 12:18 PM on November 16, 2020


Air Supply put out a Christmas album.

The worst Christmas song ever is Paul McCartney's "Wonderful Christmastime."
posted by Melismata at 12:26 PM on November 16, 2020 [4 favorites]


Best answer: New Kids on the Block Christmas Album!
posted by hydra77 at 12:27 PM on November 16, 2020 [2 favorites]


Mannheim-god-damn-Steamroller.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:28 PM on November 16, 2020 [6 favorites]


The folks over at Popdose used to run a "Mellowmas" column full of this sort of thing.
posted by Johnny Assay at 12:31 PM on November 16, 2020


As mentioned above, Twisted Sister’s rendition of “Silver Bells” will have you headbangin’ against the steering wheel, it is so metallically wonderful.
posted by BostonTerrier at 12:40 PM on November 16, 2020 [1 favorite]


I don’t have a specific recommendation, but a line of inquiry. Call your local Dollar Tree. When I worked there, there were often $1 CDs that were... baaaad. They’re not usually made by famous artists, though once I got one by a boy band member from before he was famous (I don’t remember which). You could get a whole bunch and make it rain!
posted by Night_owl at 12:41 PM on November 16, 2020 [1 favorite]


For any Broadway fans, Michael "Phantom of the Opera" Crawford has a Christmas album that I couldn't honestly recommend in any other context.
posted by mersen at 12:49 PM on November 16, 2020 [1 favorite]


The Santa Claus Conquers the Martians soundtrack, with baby Pia Zadora on Hooray for Santy Claus, was written by Milton DeLugg (who was, among other things, the Gong Show's musical director for years). Hooray's on the novelty album Luau in December (King Kukulele & the Friki Tikis), as is You’re A Mean One, Mr. Grinch, Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer, and the Alvin and the Chipmunks-esque I Work for Santa Claus.

William Hung (of briefest American Idol notoriety): Hung For The Holidays
posted by Iris Gambol at 1:19 PM on November 16, 2020 [1 favorite]


Look no further than Richard Cheese: Cocktails with Santa!

https://richardcheese.bandcamp.com/album/cocktails-with-santa-2013
posted by grateful at 1:25 PM on November 16, 2020 [1 favorite]


I can't find the album, but the worst, the very worst Christmas CD I've ever owned was traditional songs, created by sampling baby noises to make the notes.

It was horrible. Humans have a natural attention-getting response to baby noises, and this CD is like pressing that reaction with a hammer. It's intrusive, and obnoxious, and horrible. If you put it on during at party, even at low volume, people stop talking to try to figure out what's happening.

I've never been able to listen to the entire album, nor has anyone else I've known, and I've listened to "Metal Machine Music" by Lou Reed.
posted by blob at 1:38 PM on November 16, 2020 [3 favorites]


Indie88 has some good suggestions in their list of the 15 worst Christmas albums of all time.. Disco Christmas is pretty dated.
posted by blob at 1:43 PM on November 16, 2020


Mr. Blobby by... Mr Blobby. One of the worst UK Christmas albums.
posted by blob at 1:47 PM on November 16, 2020 [1 favorite]


Best answer: Ah! I found it. Jingle Babies. The worst. Sample song is Jingle Bells.
posted by blob at 1:55 PM on November 16, 2020 [5 favorites]


Kidz Bop seems to put a new one out every year.
posted by Mchelly at 2:26 PM on November 16, 2020


Someone above recommended an album with an Alvin And The Chipmunks song on it. I'm here to recommend their entire CD: Chirstmas With The Chipmunks. (They have more than one Christmas album for some godforsaken reason, but this is the only one I've heard and I intend to keep it that way.)

I don't know what possessed my parents to buy this. It was fun when I was a kid but has become so grating that I've banned my family from playing it while I'm there.
posted by catabananza at 2:28 PM on November 16, 2020


I was in a used record store yesterday and spotted Christmas Eve With Colonel Sanders. It can't be good.
posted by brookeb at 3:01 PM on November 16, 2020


Neil Diamond has A Cherry Cherry Christmas.
Christmas with the Chipmunks is bad, but Volume 2 is a delight.
posted by kerf at 3:05 PM on November 16, 2020


If Mitch Miller recorded an xmas album (and I assume he did), it will be awful.
posted by she's not there at 3:34 PM on November 16, 2020


Iirc, Metal Machine Music is a "contractual obligation" album.
posted by she's not there at 3:38 PM on November 16, 2020


Jesus but that Jingle Babies track was terrible.
posted by wenestvedt at 4:09 PM on November 16, 2020 [2 favorites]


Christmas albums are like pizza, everybody has some platonic ideal of what is bad or good (the Dylan is one of our favourites as an example but if I ever hear Burl Ives or Bing Crosby again...) Mine is no different as I'm sure somebody somewhere will like it. So my terrible and least favourite is Gord Bamford's Christmas in Canada... I like the John Waters Christmas CD which some people likely think of as "so bad its good".
posted by Ashwagandha at 4:17 PM on November 16, 2020


What you need is Honk Yourself Merry Little Bikehorn by the same artist who brought us 3 other clown-horn-only albums.
posted by blnkfrnk at 5:07 PM on November 16, 2020 [1 favorite]


God, I miss my collection of 600+ Christmas turd albums on my mostly dead laptop (that won't stay alive long enough to transfer all the tunes off).

Truckers Christmas. Songs about Christmas and truckers. I found it at WalMart. In general, you want to go shopping at WalMart for Christmas turds.
Dr. Elmo (formerly of "Elmo and Patsy") makes sequels to his holiday hits....
I had some album of Meowy Cats, I had one that was just songs done by rubber bands...
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:47 PM on November 16, 2020 [1 favorite]


she’s not there: I think you mean, if Mitch Miller recorded a Christmas album, it would be fabulous, and everyone would sing along. Google tells me this album exists.

I’ll recommend “the Canadian Tenors” Christmas album as the album my in-laws live that I most want to smash at the end of Christmas.
posted by Valancy Rachel at 6:50 PM on November 16, 2020


My Little Pony has "A Very Pony Christmas" album that is full of extremely squeaky voices and Pony appropriate lyrics.

It's not actually bad, particularly if you know the show. 6 year olds love it.
posted by Omnomnom at 3:05 AM on November 17, 2020


Response by poster: Thanks everybody! These are all quite great (except that I completely disagree about Wonderful Christmastime). I'm going with New Kids on the Block, partly because it's got a track called "Funky, Funky, Xmas" and partly because it's particularly suitable for the person I'm giving it to. But I'm saving the Jingle Babies idea for another year when I really want to go nuclear.
posted by JanetLand at 6:32 AM on November 17, 2020 [2 favorites]


I know you have your selections, but for posterity's sake... All I Want for Christmas is a Goat. It's by ActionAid, but... really, it's all about the bleating and screaming of goats. I usually add it to my holiday playlists full of otherwise normal songs to watch people's reactions to, say, the goat version of Silent Night. I highly recommend it. :D
posted by daikaisho at 10:27 AM on November 19, 2020


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