Sustaining and deepening friendships in middle age

October 23, 2020 9:54 AM

I'm a man approaching 40, and I think I am not very good at friendships. I can connect with people, but in a way that I feel doesn't go super deep. I also find that over time, I tend to get tired of the people that I'm closest to. This happens in both my platonic and romantic relationships. I feel like every kid instinctually knows how to have and how to be a best friend. What have I forgotten? How do I be a better friend?

This recent metafilter post and article made me sad because it makes me realize how shallow my connections tend to be. I think there are a few reasons. I think there's a lack of self-love/self-esteem that means the closer people get to me, the less good/interesting/cool they are, because after all, what kind of person would be friends with me? I also think that I have some of that charming ignorance/aversion to emotional labour that so many of my demographic have, so I don't tend to reach out/initiate with people, (I'm really working on changing this). I was also bullied by my friend-group when I was a teenager so there's some mistrust and hurt lurking there too.
I am actively putting more work into communicating with friends; mostly just texting or calling more, but also doing occasional socially-distant walks (thx covid). I have a great therapist, and I'm working through all this stuff with her. What else can I be working on to deepen friendships?

I included my age and gender because I get the feeling that isolated middle-aged man is a bit of a modern archetype and I'm wondering if there is media specifically addressing this? I'm interested in general media about friendship as well if you've found it useful in your own life.
Looking for books, podcasts and thoughts about being a better (middle-aged-man-)friend.

posted by LRAD_der to Human Relations (8 answers total)

Thanks for posting this. I appreciate the honesty and vulnerability you brought, in doing so. I would guess that those are elements of building stronger , deeper friendships; though it’s difficult, and can be frightening sometimes, for a guy to do those .

The challenge for men building/maintaining strong relationships in midlife is Totally A Thing.

You may find some interesting or pertinent discussion here:

https://www.metafilter.com/154563/Dear-men-you-should-totally-have-close-friends-post-30-years-of-age
posted by armoir from antproof case at 10:23 AM on October 23, 2020 [2 favorites]

I don't have any media to share but I can describe an example of a man succeeding at this. For the first time in my life I'm involved with a man who has friends of his own and it is fascinating. He reminds me of teenage me with my girlfriends in that he has a 100% comfort level with picking up the phone just to talk without any pretext whatsoever and it seems like he talks to at least one of them every day. And actually, now that I think about it, it's not just with male friends but with female friends as well.

He also somehow manages to trade favors with people on a scale I haven't seen before. He fixes their cars and they pick stuff up from Costco for him and he shovels their snow and they lend him their truck and on and on in this ever-widening web of reciprocity.

You mention lack of self-esteem but I don't think he's got any more of that than average--maybe a little less, even. He just does what he enjoys, which is interacting with people. I think a lot of us want close friends in the abstract but don't actually enjoy being social. I don't have a solution but it's an angle to consider as you work your way through this.
posted by HotToddy at 10:59 AM on October 23, 2020 [19 favorites]

For books, there was a "Looking for books about male friendship" question earlier this year.
In The Challenges and Rewards of Male-on-Male Friendship (The Atlantic, January 17, 2013), Mandy Patinkin mentions monthly dinners (his friend group first bonded as fathers of young kids); the article offers "TNT's Men of a Certain Age, starring Ray Romano, made a valiant attempt to portray contemporary men confiding in one another."
Men Can Have Better Friendships. Here's How (NPR, August 23, 2019; "This story comes from Life Kit, NPR's family of podcasts for making life better.")
posted by Iris Gambol at 11:02 AM on October 23, 2020 [1 favorite]

You might want to take a look at Evryman, a peer support group for men interested in learning to understand and work with their emotions. Their drop-in calls are free and open to anyone who identifies as male. (Not personally eligible but I've some good things about them second hand.)

And for the record, I completely disagree with your statement: I feel like every kid instinctually knows how to have and how to be a best friend. There are so many lonely kids in this world - I think the percentage who find this easy is probably the minority. The one thing I see in many very young kids is that they are happy to play with anyone and anyone they play is called "friend" - so very accepting and very low standards. That are adult versions of this - outgoing people who just very chill - but that is not the only or necessarily the best way to have friends as adult.
posted by metahawk at 11:38 AM on October 23, 2020 [3 favorites]

Best answer: I think friendship is closer to a skill (or set of skills) that is learned and practiced than something instinctual, although people certainly have varying aptitudes as with anything. To the extent it looks like kids have these skills naturally, it is probably because they are learning them from parents or people in their community! I can remember a lot of little times where my parents or teachers helped show me how to make friends or be good to existing friends.

Being assigned male probably does come into play with this because people are less likely to think certain emotional skills are important to pass down to you. Really small example: I remember at some point realizing that a lot of people I knew who had been assigned female growing up had been taught a habit of stockpiling little gifts for no one in particular just in case, to roll out when a little gift felt appropriate. Not a skill anyone in rural Florida is liable to pass down to someone they think is a boy.

I always find breaking down a big skill into smaller skills to work on individually helps make it feel more manageable, so in case it's helpful for you too here is a list of some friendship-related skills I can think of off the top of my head:

*meeting new people (if you like someone, see if you can exchange some kind of contact info)
*getting to know new people (be curious, ask lots of questions! do some activities together!)
*finding opportunities to give and receive help (starting small and building up as comfort/trust develops)
*learning how people like to be supported (by noticing or asking)
*staying in touch with friends who don't automatically show up in your life right now
*consent, setting/observing/checking in on boundaries
*making space for communication styles that differ from what comes naturally to you (e.g. I love texting, but there are friends I basically only text to set up in-person plans because I know going back and forth on SMS is something they don't like)
*suggesting new kinds of a intimacy to existing friends (maybe you've never done a weekend trip before, or you're just getting to know someone in your broader social circle but you've never gotten together one-on-one. This can also be something really tiny—like, I recently offered to take over half of a friends' produce box when the downstairs neighbor who had been getting it moved out)
*active listening, offering counsel/offering advice/holding emotional space for people (and knowing or finding out which is appropriate)
*cooking/baking/mixing cocktails/etc. (There are lots of other fun material skills you can use to help you make friends! But making dinner or cocktails or a cake can help you get to know just about anyone.)
posted by Gymnopedist at 1:21 PM on October 23, 2020 [6 favorites]

Best answer: I am not a man and not quite middle-aged, but have struggled with similar issues. While low self-esteem certainly isn't doing me any favors, I'm coming to believe the real problem is my fear and instinctive avoidance of vulnerability. I have spent my whole life perfecting the art of not being vulnerable, keeping people at arm's length, not letting them see and know the whole me. But this protection from being hurt comes at the direct cost of missing out on real connection and love and belonging.

If this resonates at all, I'd suggest looking into Brené Brown's work. Maybe start with her Ted talks and go from there. A lot of her stuff doesn't quite hit the mark with me, but her discussions of how vulnerability, shame, courage, connection, and belonging work and are interconnected have been really enlightening for me.
posted by gueneverey at 2:14 PM on October 23, 2020 [4 favorites]

I'm pretty good at making and keeping friends, but when I came across Kat Vellos's book We Should Get Together, I decided to give it a read. I really liked it. I found it a real nice framework for how to turn the ideas of we should do friend things into actual steps.
posted by advicepig at 3:15 PM on October 23, 2020 [3 favorites]

Best answer: > I also find that over time, I tend to get tired of the people that I'm closest to.

This stood out to me, because I hear it from people I'm close to who have a history of disordered relationships, and I occasionally feel like that myself. I think you're on the right track identifying what your issues are.

I suggest you really dig into vulnerability. Men in particular have a difficult time being vulnerable, even with themselves. But you can't have real, true friendships without taking risks and allowing yourself to be vulnerable. It gets easier as you practice it, and while you will get hurt sometimes (that's just the nature of vulnerability) it becomes less painful as you learn that people's behaviours generally are reflections of themselves, not of you. I echo the recommendations to check out Brene Brown. Her later books are a little hokey, but if you skim over that stuff she offers a lot of great info, practices, and advice.

I also suggest you look into avoidant attachment style. You may find it resonates with you. Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller is pretty good. Attachment is a hot topic right now and there's a plethora of books available right now. I feel like no one self-help book has all of the answers; it's good to sift through a bunch of them and take the bits that work for you (thank goodness for libraries).

I also suggest reading up on, and then practising, self-compassion. This has been life-changing for me, personally. Once you start having compassion for yourself, forgiving yourself for your mistakes and your quirks, you'll start extending that compassion towards other people. It's made it much easier for me to connect with other people. Kristin Neff's book is a pretty good starting point.
posted by Stoof at 12:31 PM on October 25, 2020 [2 favorites]