What do we owe to each other?
August 7, 2020 11:33 PM   Subscribe

We've been paying our beloved dog walker for the duration of the COVID pandemic. Now we're kinda-sorta moving, and our financial situation is changing. What are our ethical responsibilities here? How should we approach this?

[apologies in advance for the massive wall of text]

About our relationship: Prior to the pandemic, my husband and I both worked full-time from offices, so we had a dog walker come every day to walk our dog. Now, our dog is not the easiest guy. He's fearful and reactive, and he requires someone who is really understanding and patient with his needs. After kissing some frogs - including one walker who put another dog in harm's way by not taking our dog's restrictions seriously enough - we found a truly amazing, special-needs-savvy independent dog walker who we completely love. She's wonderful with our dog, and she's come through for us in so many situations - for example, she picked our dog up from boarding one time when we had a last-minute conflict (90 minutes each way!). Another time, another time, she came and let me in to my apartment when I was locked out on Christmas eve. I mean, she even protected our dog while being physically assaulted by an unstable stranger once (for the record, I would never have asked or expected her to do that....it was a truly terrible situation). Over the past 3+ years, she has become a good friend and a beloved member of our little local community.

Financially, we've always tried to do right by her - we pay her a rate that's somewhat above-average for our area, we've always been flexible about conflicts/illness/etc that come up, we insist on paying for sick/vacation days, etc. There's always been a bit of a weirdness to our conversations about money - despite the fact that I see her as a skilled professional that we really rely on and I expect to compensate her accordingly, she's doesn't seem to think she "deserves" as much as I think she does and she's very uncomfortable with holding us to the financial commitments we make. For example, she once permanently reduced our rate (she'd been charging a premium because we were somewhat our of her way, but then she got more clients in our area) (I would have been fine continuing to pay the higher rate, and I told her as much), she always protests when I send her pay for sick days, and she doesn't remind us or charge late fees when I forget to pay on time. I know she needs the money - we've had many conversations about how big a stressor money is for her. She's also significantly older than my husband and I (we're in our late 20s, she's in her early 40s), which may be a factor in the weirdness.

(To be clear, while we try to pay as generously as we can, the cost of walks is still a lot of money for us. It's our second-biggest expense after rent. It's a luxury, but one that we really value, and we've always been willing to cut back elsewhere to make it work.)

Now, with COVID-19: Since March, my husband and I have both been working from home and haven't needed any walks, but we've been paying her our normal rates (again, something I had to insist on; she still protests periodically when I send the money over). As we see it, we've still been making the same salaries we always did, and it's the same amount that's always been in our monthly budget, so it's not a hardship and it's the right thing to do.

Moving & school: However, in a couple weeks, my husband is leaving his job and starting full-time graduate school in a new state. We're still maintaining long-term ties to our current area (we're keeping our apartment; I'm staying at my job and would expect to work part-time in-person if my office ever reopens; and as of now we expect to move back here when his graduate program is over) but we are temporarily relocating to the area where his school is. Given that A. while my husband fortunately has some funding for his educational expenses, we're basically becoming a one-income family (and making the lifestyle adjustments needed to make that work) and B. we aren't even living in the same area as our walker anymore, we feel like we need to re-evaluate whether we can/should plan to pay the same rate to her in perpetuity. Under normal circumstances, moving away would definitely be a reason to, y'know, stop paying for services we no longer need. And I know that she would be completely understanding if we told her we couldn't swing it anymore. That said, I also know this is an incredibly difficult time financially for her - she was a full-time dog walker/petsitter, not a ton of work there right now, not to mention that her own dog is very old and very sick - and I'm not interested in compounding that. I know I can just stop paying, and I could find ways to justify it to myself, but I'd rather make a decision that I feel truly good about given all of the realities of our time.

So, my question is as follows: given everything above, how would you recommend we proceed? Ethically, how do I do right by her as a person and as a valued member of my little community? Plus, if things needs to change, how do I approach this conversation knowing full well that she'll just insist that we don't owe her anything?

Some other random things to mention:
-she's already aware of our impending move, but we haven't talked about the rest of it at all
-at least for the next few months, because everything is so uncertain, we won't be subletting our little studio apartment and it'll (probably) be empty. We could perhaps take advantage of that by A. offering the apartment to her as a second space to use when she needs space from her rather difficult roommates (I'd offer that she could temporarily live here, but unfortunately the building has breed/size restrictions that exclude her dog - I'd be fine if she snuck her in every once in a while, though) or B. paying her something to check in on the place periodically (not really a service we need, honestly, but I suppose it could be beneficial)
-As far as what we can afford, well, I'm not really sure how to calculate that - we're lucky enough to be in a situation where, even with one income & two [modest] apartments, we could still swing some money, but of course it'd mean tradeoffs elsewhere (like dipping farther into our savings than we already are)
posted by anonymous to Work & Money (21 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
 
Honestly you've already done so much, and the pandemic has been going on and on. Be honest, up front and give them as much notice as you can. Yes, it would be nice if you could assist this person forever, but you can't and that is okay!

In normal times, you'd just terminate the service because your circumstances changed. It is sad, and it's frustrating but your circumstances are changing, and it is not on you to fix all these problems.

Ethically, you cannot help everyone. She's someone you chose to help when you had the money to do so, with the assumption things were going to return to normal sooner than later. They didn't, and you are transitioning to new things.

You will find someone else to help in your new community or town in some way within your means if that's what you want to do. Take gentle care.
posted by AlexiaSky at 11:44 PM on August 7, 2020 [26 favorites]


I'd say that it's ethical if you give her as much notice as you would have if you were still having her actively come walk the dog, at minimum two weeks and ideally more like four. And if you want to help further, sure, you could offer to loan or give her additional money, but shift out of the idea that you're paying for services.
posted by slidell at 1:39 AM on August 8, 2020 [2 favorites]


Please do not do A or B. IANAL but people change and things can get tricky i.e. squatter's rights and all. If I'm reading correctly, you have been paying her for not working for 5 months. I think you've been above and beyond generous.

If you don't have an alarm system, maybe getting one may help if the apartment will be unattended for an extended period of time. I think cutting your financial ties and giving her about 2-4 weeks' notice as mentioned above is fine. I understand your feelings for this person and I commend you but this is not a family member and she is not your responsibility. No good deed as they say. Five months is a long time. Think of it as you've given her a severance package already and it's time to focus on your family and your savings.

I don't mean to come off as heartless but you have been extremely generous and corporations and our government haven't even been as kind. Take this opportunity as a final endpoint. It can be difficult to adjust to a one income household and you may need those additional funds for yourselves, I'm sorry to say, but if any health issues arise during this time. You have to put on your own oxygen mask first sort of thing.
posted by VyanSelei at 2:49 AM on August 8, 2020 [17 favorites]


I agree very much with what AlexiaSky said, but be prepared for some pushback. She sounds like a lovely person, but I've seen lovely, seemingly devoted, above-and-beyond, people turn absolutely vicious when they realize a generous income source is drying up. In one instance, it involved 5 fraudulent lawsuits against the Estate of the deceased, which took years to clear. In two others, the threat of being reported for paying under the table, essentially blackmailed for a substantial sum. In all three of these situations, the person in question was 100% described as "one of the family" and "has done so much for me/us" and "I don't know what we'd do without her."

You sound like a very kind and generous person, and hopefully this won't come to pass, but people can be scum when money is involved.
posted by basalganglia at 5:27 AM on August 8, 2020 [1 favorite]


Wow! It's really interesting to see how complex financial relationships become even with everyone involved having the best intentions.

You have definitely been responsible and generous in this situation, and that's wonderful. If only everyone were like you.
Having said that, your dog walker is an adult woman who must navigate the challenges of her own life the same as anyone else. You are not responsible for her welfare. Give her plenty of advance notice and you owe her no more than that. If you want to help out sending her some more business, you could also give her some glowing on line reviews. Check with her and see if there are places she would like to get a recommendation like Yelp or Google Reviews etc. Then go on with your lives with happy hearts. You are very nice people and I'm sure she will always look on the business she did with you as the best of experiences.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 5:54 AM on August 8, 2020 [20 favorites]


We are in the same situation - almost spookily so. Our move date is a bit uncertain, given current realities, so our plan depends a bit on that. If we move before the end of the calendar year, we will probably pay out the rest of the year, plus a sizable parting check. If we move early 2021, we will probably just cut the goodbye check. I don't think people without special dogs can fully appreciate the intense loyalty and friendship that springs up when you find someone who is able to care for your beloved pet. They are few and far between, so like you, we treat that relationship with special care, and try to remunerate accordingly. 

While I won't say this plan is totally guilt free --- I care very much for our walker, and like you, she's a part of our family -- I feel like this is a reasonable way forward, that I don't think will make our walker feel uncomfortable or patronized and allows me to express our deep appreciation for her skills, professionalism, and love for our dog.  In your situation, I would also consider adding to that paying her to check in on the apartment once a month. That seems like a good idea for you to do whatever else you decide (lots can go wrong in unattended homes), and would allow you to continue to pay a small sum to her. 

That said, we can afford our plan easily, and I wouldn't feel guilty about doing less if I couldn't. Doing right by others depends a lot of on our circumstances, and only you know what's reasonable and right for you to do. But it's ok for that to be a lot (or what other people see as a lot)--- this is a real relationship worthy of care.
posted by MeadowlarkMaude at 7:08 AM on August 8, 2020 [4 favorites]


What strange answers here so far. I would talk to your dog walker and let her know you're sorry that you are moving and no longer need her services, such as they are. Give her a big severance check equivalent to one to three months pay and wish her well. She is a person. Treat her how you would like to be treated if you were her dog walker.
posted by k8lin at 7:09 AM on August 8, 2020 [46 favorites]


Would it be possible to find another local client for her, to replace you? It's far more than you're obligated to do, certainly, but then you wouldn't have to worry about the financial impact your move will have on her.
posted by DrGail at 8:03 AM on August 8, 2020


At this point she is not providing a service and she is not in your employ, so talking of advance notice and severance makes no sense. She is embarrassed that you continue to treat this relationship as a financial one, and that you keep paying her for work she isn’t able to do for you. Consider instead saying that you are leaving and you worry for her and would like to help, and would she be willing to accept a check in the name of help. Make it about helping a friend. It’s more representative of how you value her and ultimately more loving.
posted by Dragonness at 8:36 AM on August 8, 2020 [3 favorites]


Gently… I think you sound a little too involved. Your financial overtures make her uncomfortable, which she has said many times apparently. It’s reading as weirdly patronizing to me. Just be upfront! “Diane, we’ve loved working with you, but unfortunately we’re moving and won’t need your services after Fleptember 99th.” A three-month severance check — a month for each year of employment — strikes me as a good, solid conclusion.
posted by Charity Garfein at 8:48 AM on August 8, 2020 [32 favorites]


It’s August and you’ve been paying her since March for work she hasn’t been doing?

I’d tell her your husband is leaving his job and you’ll be moving away and won’t be needing her help anymore. Offer to write a letter of recommendation, be a reference, write some glowing reviews, or whatever else you can do to support her business.

Three months of pay seems like a ton of money. I’d probably go with two weeks and maybe a nice thank-you card and a fruit basket or something; say that you have really valued and appreciated her help, and if/when you move back to the area you’ll be sure to get in touch.

You sound very thoughtful and generous but nobody should expect you to pay indefinitely for a service you don’t need in a city you don’t live in. She’s probably uncomfortable because you are already going overboard by paying her for so long.
posted by beandip at 9:04 AM on August 8, 2020 [29 favorites]


I agree that you have been extremely generous already. A good reference, a couple of weeks severance and perhaps a nice gift are more than enough in this situation. Your dog-walker is an independent business person and a fully-fledged adult who needs to organize her own life and finances.

If your insurance requires that you have someone check in on your apartment periodically while you are away, it sounds like she would be a good candidate to do it for a small fee.
posted by rpfields at 9:48 AM on August 8, 2020 [3 favorites]


Your kindness is in being clear and direct, with as much notice as possible.
Certainly let her know that you’ll give her a good reference and that you might be interested in her services in the future if circumstances allow.
posted by calgirl at 10:29 AM on August 8, 2020 [3 favorites]


I have family in the challenging/aged pet housecall service business. (Grooming, rather than walking, but not entirely different.) You've already gone far above beyond what's expected. A severance or a really big tip would be more than enough. Shit happens. People move. Dogs die. It's part of the job, even during Covid. (Best wishes, and thanks for caring.)
posted by eotvos at 10:51 AM on August 8, 2020 [2 favorites]


I agree with everyone above that you have been incredibly generous thus far, but if you tell your dog walker that you're moving, she will understand. Clients move all the time, especially now. My dog walker has had four or five clients move just in the last few weeks -- but she's balancing it out picking up new clients from the incredible puppy boom that happened this spring.

I am in a somewhat similar situation in that I have an incredible dog walker who is fantastic with my big galoot of a nervous coonhound I paid her not to work for a few weeks in March and April, but since then she has been coming to take my dog for midday walks (with outdoor pickup and drop off in my yard). I'm home all the time now and could definitely take him out myself, but this way she gets to work and I can keep paying her in a way we're both comfortable with. I think a lot of her clients are doing this now.

Best of luck with your move! You've been an incredible client for your dog walker for months now and I'm sure she's very grateful. If you can keep her on to do some occasional house sitting while you're away that would be great.
posted by fancypants at 10:53 AM on August 8, 2020


You’ve been more than generous and you sound a bit overly involved in the personal life of an employee. Give her some notice and perhaps a final check and then be done without guilt. She is not your responsibility.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:07 AM on August 8, 2020 [6 favorites]


I think you sound like a very kind and empathetic person. I strive for those qualities. Coincidentally, I've been paying 2 service providers in a similar situation. Because Reasons, I will shortly need to cut off one of those. I plan to give them 2 weeks notice and write a nice thank-you note about what their service has meant to me. Under the circumstances, to me this feels fair and also considerate.
posted by BlahLaLa at 11:27 AM on August 8, 2020 [1 favorite]


I agree that you've been more than generous.

The best thing you can do for her is to sing her praises on social media and local neighborhood groups. Someone is always asking for pet-sitter and pet-walker recommendations.
posted by hydra77 at 12:52 PM on August 8, 2020 [1 favorite]


Give her a big goodbye gift, arrange a masked and socially distanced farewell so she can say goodbye to the dog, and move on. I know the relationship with a great dog walker can be really emotional (ours moved out of town a few weeks ago and we're still very sad), and you've been beyond kind, but the fact that you're seriously considering trying to keep supporting a very in-person sort of service provider when you won't even live in town seems like an unhealthy lack of boundaries. A heartfelt, handwritten thank-you note with a picture of your dog tucked into the envelope along with whatever you consider an appropriate amount of cash ought to be a fine farewell.
posted by potrzebie at 2:55 PM on August 8, 2020 [4 favorites]


I think you’ve been very generous but I also think you’re infantilising her and it’s gotten weird. She’s a grown woman, she doesn’t need rescuing. There are dogs everywhere that will need walking, she can find another client and it’s really not the end of the world if you leave. Send her a nice card with a bit of extra money and let both of you go on and live your lives, she’ll be just fine.
posted by Jubey at 3:43 PM on August 8, 2020 [9 favorites]


Rather than giving her notice (which doesn't really make sense here), I would give her extra money in the next check in whatever amount feels comfortable as a final gift. You can't keep paying her forever or even for months giving the change in your household situation. So just do it and be clean and clear about it.

However, arranging for her to say good bye to the dog (in a safe way) would probably be really meaningful for both you and her. You could also take a picture that she can keep as a memento. If not, include a picture of your dog along with the card.

Finally along with the last check, I would send her a personal note expressing your appreciation and a more formal letter of reference with permission for her share it with others. Also, if you haven't already, make sure to give her a review on yelp, a mention on Next Door and a shout out on any other social groups that might include people needing (now or in the future) a dog walker.
posted by metahawk at 4:02 PM on August 8, 2020 [3 favorites]


« Older Protecting my assets   |   How do I write to a famous person? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.