Dating advice for interesting times
July 25, 2020 4:16 PM Subscribe
I want to start dating again, but I'm not sure where or how to start. So I'm hoping to get some advice as I head back out into the dating world in what is certainly a weird time.
September 2020 will be the fourth anniversary of my wife's death. I think I'm finally in a place mentally and emotionally where I could be present for someone else, so at the beginning of the year I decided that it was time to figure out how dating and meeting new people works in the 2020s.
And then all this happened - pandemic, economic uncertainty, and all of the other things that are making 2020 an interesting time to be alive. Part of me wants to wait until times are a bit less interesting, but part of me realizes that a) this is just me making excuses, and b) if I don't at least start then one day I'll look up and realize that 10 years have gone by and I'm still sitting on the couch alone.
So, my question: where does the mid-50s geek who likes anime, manga, and weird music even start to look? I've followed some of the recent online dating posts, and it seems like the big websites (Match, eHarmony, etc.) are out, and apps are in. But when I look at the websites for some of the dating apps, all I see are young, fit, and conventionally attractive people. I know a lot of this is just marketing, but no one looks like me: a middle-aged guy with a belly, a buzz cut, and a receding hairline. Do some of these apps skew younger vs. older? Or am I just getting discouraged by the fact that I'm obviously not the target demographic and I shouldn't let it get to me.
Also, how are people dating now? Just chatting online? All of this is a world that I wasn't really aware of the last time I was dating, which was 16 years ago. But from reading some of the dating questions here I know a lot of people have experience with online dating that I was hoping to tap in to as I start down this road.
For a bonus question, where could I get help creating a profile for a dating app? Reading through some of the dating questions here a frequent comment is that the men always have very boring and generic "khaki pants and polo shirts" profiles, and I'd like to avoid that.
September 2020 will be the fourth anniversary of my wife's death. I think I'm finally in a place mentally and emotionally where I could be present for someone else, so at the beginning of the year I decided that it was time to figure out how dating and meeting new people works in the 2020s.
And then all this happened - pandemic, economic uncertainty, and all of the other things that are making 2020 an interesting time to be alive. Part of me wants to wait until times are a bit less interesting, but part of me realizes that a) this is just me making excuses, and b) if I don't at least start then one day I'll look up and realize that 10 years have gone by and I'm still sitting on the couch alone.
So, my question: where does the mid-50s geek who likes anime, manga, and weird music even start to look? I've followed some of the recent online dating posts, and it seems like the big websites (Match, eHarmony, etc.) are out, and apps are in. But when I look at the websites for some of the dating apps, all I see are young, fit, and conventionally attractive people. I know a lot of this is just marketing, but no one looks like me: a middle-aged guy with a belly, a buzz cut, and a receding hairline. Do some of these apps skew younger vs. older? Or am I just getting discouraged by the fact that I'm obviously not the target demographic and I shouldn't let it get to me.
Also, how are people dating now? Just chatting online? All of this is a world that I wasn't really aware of the last time I was dating, which was 16 years ago. But from reading some of the dating questions here I know a lot of people have experience with online dating that I was hoping to tap in to as I start down this road.
For a bonus question, where could I get help creating a profile for a dating app? Reading through some of the dating questions here a frequent comment is that the men always have very boring and generic "khaki pants and polo shirts" profiles, and I'd like to avoid that.
Profile pic advice:
I tell my single women friends to avoid men whose profile pics show them scowling, wearing sunglasses, flexing while shirtless, or dressed like little boys (cartoon character t-shirt, sports jersey, ball cap, filthy tank top). “Look how outdoorsy I am!” images seem to be love-it-or-hate-it, but they always seem to make it harder to see what the guy looks like.
Assume she cares what you look like. Mug accordingly.
Smile, show your face, and wear a grown-up shirt, maybe even a tie or a jacket, and you’ll be ahead of the curve.
posted by armeowda at 6:54 PM on July 25, 2020 [7 favorites]
I tell my single women friends to avoid men whose profile pics show them scowling, wearing sunglasses, flexing while shirtless, or dressed like little boys (cartoon character t-shirt, sports jersey, ball cap, filthy tank top). “Look how outdoorsy I am!” images seem to be love-it-or-hate-it, but they always seem to make it harder to see what the guy looks like.
Assume she cares what you look like. Mug accordingly.
Smile, show your face, and wear a grown-up shirt, maybe even a tie or a jacket, and you’ll be ahead of the curve.
posted by armeowda at 6:54 PM on July 25, 2020 [7 favorites]
Also, buy a cheap tripod for your phone with a clicker, or have a friend photograph you. Make sure you Google tips for lighting and effective camera poses for guys. Photos taken by your computer while you're sitting in front of it aren't flattering. They add unattractive shadows and distort the shape of your face.
Anyway, don't worry, you're not the first to wonder how to proceed: Here's a reddit conversation about male profile photos; here's some contrary advice to a famous okaycupid blog piece about most popular profiles of men and women (cited in the reddit article) and ... there's a lot of other advice out there besides. Here's the search I did.
In terms of what to wear — or even what to say — who do you want to attract? A coat and tie wouldn't do it for me. But I wouldn't find an armful of tattoos appealing either. Chances are you want to attract someone with shared interests, or shared values, or maybe just a good sense of humor and a good heart. Emphasize what matters most, but keep your touch light. A profile ad is like an introduction (from a corporate friend, but there we are), so don't confess anything, ramble or feel self-conscious. Just write a few paragraphs about who you are, what you like, where you like to hang out, maybe where you have the most fun, who your friends are, and so on.
As for "how to date," my roommate met someone online during Covid. They had several long chats through Zoom, so they could see/hear one another in person. That is important. The phone can lead the imagination astray while tempting folks into endless long rambling talks that don't clearly communicate either the in-person chemistry or, frankly, what the other person looks like in 3-D. Zoom will help approximate this, however awkwardly. Anyway, eventually, my roommate and the person he met online met in person for a distanced date in the park. After several months of this, they became exclusive. He's in the target age group (late 20s/early 30s approximately). Another friend who is nearly 50, however, followed pretty much the same pattern. So, long story short, if, as a widower, you're dipping back into the dating pool cautiously and a bit nervously, it's okay. We live in slower times now, so feel free to proceed slowly, too.
posted by Violet Blue at 8:40 PM on July 25, 2020 [3 favorites]
Anyway, don't worry, you're not the first to wonder how to proceed: Here's a reddit conversation about male profile photos; here's some contrary advice to a famous okaycupid blog piece about most popular profiles of men and women (cited in the reddit article) and ... there's a lot of other advice out there besides. Here's the search I did.
In terms of what to wear — or even what to say — who do you want to attract? A coat and tie wouldn't do it for me. But I wouldn't find an armful of tattoos appealing either. Chances are you want to attract someone with shared interests, or shared values, or maybe just a good sense of humor and a good heart. Emphasize what matters most, but keep your touch light. A profile ad is like an introduction (from a corporate friend, but there we are), so don't confess anything, ramble or feel self-conscious. Just write a few paragraphs about who you are, what you like, where you like to hang out, maybe where you have the most fun, who your friends are, and so on.
As for "how to date," my roommate met someone online during Covid. They had several long chats through Zoom, so they could see/hear one another in person. That is important. The phone can lead the imagination astray while tempting folks into endless long rambling talks that don't clearly communicate either the in-person chemistry or, frankly, what the other person looks like in 3-D. Zoom will help approximate this, however awkwardly. Anyway, eventually, my roommate and the person he met online met in person for a distanced date in the park. After several months of this, they became exclusive. He's in the target age group (late 20s/early 30s approximately). Another friend who is nearly 50, however, followed pretty much the same pattern. So, long story short, if, as a widower, you're dipping back into the dating pool cautiously and a bit nervously, it's okay. We live in slower times now, so feel free to proceed slowly, too.
posted by Violet Blue at 8:40 PM on July 25, 2020 [3 favorites]
I have a friend in her 50s who met her current partner on Match. So there's at least some use of it somewhere.
posted by crunchy potato at 8:42 PM on July 25, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by crunchy potato at 8:42 PM on July 25, 2020 [1 favorite]
Make sure that you consider the profiles of your female peers: middle-aged, possibly bellyful like you, possibly greying. I've noticed that it is unfortunately very common for men to only "see" young, thin, conventionally attractive women (on dating apps, and in real life). Your peers will not expect you to be a model. Don't expect them to be.
posted by nirblegee at 9:31 PM on July 25, 2020 [22 favorites]
posted by nirblegee at 9:31 PM on July 25, 2020 [22 favorites]
I'm in my mid-40s. I met my current partner on Tinder, and in the past few years of dating, I've met folks on Tinder, Bumble, and OkCupid, but OKC, while being the most detailed, almost seems the least fruitful for me. Tinder isn't only a hook up app, despite its reputation. Well, let me re-phrase that. It doesn't have to be. It has the most number of people in many places, I think. And there are plenty of women your age on all these apps.
Yes, you'll want good and recent photos -- photos where you are smiling, not wearing sunglasses, and where the picture is in focus. The photos should really be from the past year or so. If you don't have any, ask a woman friend to take some photos of you, and ask her what shirt to wear. In fact, ask her to take photos of you in a few different shirts. You'll want a picture that shows more than your face. Lots of men and women in your age range carry some extra weight. Be honest, rather than trying to hide that. The most annoying thing is when you go to meet someone on a date, and you realize that you took photos from various angles to hide who they are.
If you have an activity that you really enjoy, it would be great if you had a photo of you enjoying that activity (unless it's you holding a dead animal - that's a big turn off for many women, though I suspect maybe not your style, given your description of yourself).
Do you have any single women friends who have been on dating apps recently? They would be great helps in writing your profile. If not them, how about single men friends who are dating? It's okay if some of these friends are younger or older.
Also, here's a draft start to your profile description:
Geek who likes anime, manga, and weird music
See, it's not that hard, is it? You could say more about the music if you want. I wouldn't mention you're a widower but I suspect that will come up pretty early on in conversations because older folks on dating sites have usually been in longer term relationships already. I would mention it briefly and then move on and ask the person about herself.
So, maybe give Bumble a try if you're up for the apps but are a bit scared off by Tinder.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:57 PM on July 25, 2020 [2 favorites]
Yes, you'll want good and recent photos -- photos where you are smiling, not wearing sunglasses, and where the picture is in focus. The photos should really be from the past year or so. If you don't have any, ask a woman friend to take some photos of you, and ask her what shirt to wear. In fact, ask her to take photos of you in a few different shirts. You'll want a picture that shows more than your face. Lots of men and women in your age range carry some extra weight. Be honest, rather than trying to hide that. The most annoying thing is when you go to meet someone on a date, and you realize that you took photos from various angles to hide who they are.
If you have an activity that you really enjoy, it would be great if you had a photo of you enjoying that activity (unless it's you holding a dead animal - that's a big turn off for many women, though I suspect maybe not your style, given your description of yourself).
Do you have any single women friends who have been on dating apps recently? They would be great helps in writing your profile. If not them, how about single men friends who are dating? It's okay if some of these friends are younger or older.
Also, here's a draft start to your profile description:
Geek who likes anime, manga, and weird music
See, it's not that hard, is it? You could say more about the music if you want. I wouldn't mention you're a widower but I suspect that will come up pretty early on in conversations because older folks on dating sites have usually been in longer term relationships already. I would mention it briefly and then move on and ask the person about herself.
So, maybe give Bumble a try if you're up for the apps but are a bit scared off by Tinder.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:57 PM on July 25, 2020 [2 favorites]
I’m in a similar situation to you (widowed and youngish for that) expect that I’m a bit younger (Mid 40s) and I have a kid. At your age, I’d consider your feelings on that. The one dating effort which lasted the longest for me (two months) fizzled our because his kids were a bit older, he didn’t really remember the toddler world so his expectations weren’t realistic (e.g. he would call during the triangle of dinner/bath/bedtime) and not really understand why I couldn’t talk. He also, as a divorced parent, was on a different type of schedule than me because he didn’t have his kids every other weekend and had tons of free times, whereas I have my son with me all the time.
So consider your feelings on kids: if she’s divorced, and there is shared custody and a possible father involved (or not involved, which brings its own problems) or if she has kids who are older or younger and what that might mean. I feel like some guys your age might look at my situation, for example, and be grateful to have a chance at parenthood which they might have missed. My kid is three and would likely come to see a partner as his father. Conversely, some men your age might look at that and think wow, my kids are older and I just can’t imagine starting all over again with a pretty much baby at this age.
posted by ficbot at 7:06 AM on July 26, 2020 [3 favorites]
So consider your feelings on kids: if she’s divorced, and there is shared custody and a possible father involved (or not involved, which brings its own problems) or if she has kids who are older or younger and what that might mean. I feel like some guys your age might look at my situation, for example, and be grateful to have a chance at parenthood which they might have missed. My kid is three and would likely come to see a partner as his father. Conversely, some men your age might look at that and think wow, my kids are older and I just can’t imagine starting all over again with a pretty much baby at this age.
posted by ficbot at 7:06 AM on July 26, 2020 [3 favorites]
Widower, late 50's, nerd here. I've had a bit of success with plentyoffish, but none with Match, Facebook Dating or Tinder. I get a lot of compliments on my photos because I hired a professional to take them. I think it was about 200$ for a two-hour session in a local library (pre-COVID) surrounded by books, and I consider it well worth it.
posted by Mogur at 7:51 AM on July 26, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by Mogur at 7:51 AM on July 26, 2020 [3 favorites]
If you find a magic way to get dates, let me know. Mid 50s, curvy, I've been told I look younger than I am and even though I'm curvy I'm active. I'm on Match right now and....nothing. Started chatting with one guy who fizzled out. Any other people interested live much too far to be feasible. So I'm considering Hinge (had a friend meet someone on Tinder that turned out to be someone she already knew in a social circle of hers) but I'm also nervous! Also have another friend meet someone wonderful on Plenty of Fish, so there's that too...
posted by annieb at 3:49 PM on July 26, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by annieb at 3:49 PM on July 26, 2020 [1 favorite]
I was inspired to do a long evening of Bumble exploration on the basis of the commentary above. I'm back to report there are **a lot** of people in their 40s and 50s, so many, in fact, several hours of sleuthing didn't bring me to the end of the list. I'm also pleased to report an unexpectedly large range of professions and lifestyles are represented.
In terms of pics and text, it is so picture-oriented that is where I would expend most of my energy. The allowance for text is minimal, so much so you can write whatever you have to say on the fly, and then edit as you go. Note that you are urged into conversation quickly, in an app created for the age of text. I obviously can't speak to success on it, but in terms of opportunity, I'd say there's quite a lot for everyone from the OP on down. Further, it's one of the few newer apps these days that has a desktop version.
I don't recall exploring age ranges much on Match, but when I've tested it twice before it seemed aimed at a very traditional crowd. Since my taste runs strong toward the arts and humanities, it did nothing for me. As for OkCupid, which I've always loathed, I was a member twice, and came away with friends and dates back in the day. But as of a few years ago, the cap on over 40s was high, and our species was rare. It was also so polyfriendly, it was clearly not in my demographic any longer.
I never tried Plenty of Fish, but it was always my impression it wasn't really aimed at a college demographic. That may not be true anymore, but back in the day all of the apps had very clear target audiences and things were severely divided according to sociodemographics.
If anyone has any other tips, it's not just the OP who will be interested.
posted by Violet Blue at 1:41 AM on July 27, 2020 [1 favorite]
In terms of pics and text, it is so picture-oriented that is where I would expend most of my energy. The allowance for text is minimal, so much so you can write whatever you have to say on the fly, and then edit as you go. Note that you are urged into conversation quickly, in an app created for the age of text. I obviously can't speak to success on it, but in terms of opportunity, I'd say there's quite a lot for everyone from the OP on down. Further, it's one of the few newer apps these days that has a desktop version.
I don't recall exploring age ranges much on Match, but when I've tested it twice before it seemed aimed at a very traditional crowd. Since my taste runs strong toward the arts and humanities, it did nothing for me. As for OkCupid, which I've always loathed, I was a member twice, and came away with friends and dates back in the day. But as of a few years ago, the cap on over 40s was high, and our species was rare. It was also so polyfriendly, it was clearly not in my demographic any longer.
I never tried Plenty of Fish, but it was always my impression it wasn't really aimed at a college demographic. That may not be true anymore, but back in the day all of the apps had very clear target audiences and things were severely divided according to sociodemographics.
If anyone has any other tips, it's not just the OP who will be interested.
posted by Violet Blue at 1:41 AM on July 27, 2020 [1 favorite]
p.s. RE: The culturally weirdo question of men smiling. I remembered tonight (it's been a few years since I was on any of these apps) that a lot of men scowl into the camera or maybe just look severe when their face is at rest. I have a visceral negative reaction to this, and feel myself recoiling from the screen. So when a photo comes up with a man smiling — or even laughing! — it was seriously appealing as a result.
posted by Violet Blue at 1:48 AM on July 27, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by Violet Blue at 1:48 AM on July 27, 2020 [3 favorites]
As a counterpoint to some of the above, I found the 40+ geek of my dreams on OKC a couple of years ago and we are blissfully traversing middle-aged geekitude together. The level of detail on OKC is not for everyone, but I think it can be beneficial when you've been a long time out of the dating scene... I personally found it much less anxiety-inducing than bumble and tinder, and I did a lot of useful self reflection (what do I want in a partner? what's really important to me?) in working on my profile and answering their questions. YMofcourseMV.
posted by somanyamys at 7:57 AM on July 27, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by somanyamys at 7:57 AM on July 27, 2020 [2 favorites]
a lot of men scowl into the camera or maybe just look severe when their face is at rest
The best explanation I heard for this came from some guy's profile! He said that he realized he always hammed it up and scowled when a friend wanted to take a picture. (Which is to say, he wasn't excited to have his picture taken and didn't play along and smile nicely.)
posted by bluedaisy at 1:50 PM on July 27, 2020 [1 favorite]
The best explanation I heard for this came from some guy's profile! He said that he realized he always hammed it up and scowled when a friend wanted to take a picture. (Which is to say, he wasn't excited to have his picture taken and didn't play along and smile nicely.)
posted by bluedaisy at 1:50 PM on July 27, 2020 [1 favorite]
Dating app veteran here, with probably too much advice. I wouldn't mention that you're a widower in your profile or first chat... tons of scammers identify themselves as widowers. Nth on the scowling. A profile picture looking down and scowling ... the first thing you'd see when they opened the trunk after they'd duct-taped and abducted you. It is not a good look. No bathroom selfies or shots taken in your car. The advice upthread about a selfie stick/tripod is solid.
You have a receding hairline, OK. Is there a hairstyle that's more flattering than a buzzcut? Get that. Can you work on the belly? Do that. We are all more than the sum of our looks but, damn. Most women WORK and a lot of men's profiles look like they give absolutely zero fucks about making any effort at all. Many of these same men think they're entitled to absolute knockouts. Yeah, no.
Aim for originality. Down to earth? Simple? Yawn. Loves to laugh? (As opposed to everyone else, who prefer tears and misery....)
When you get a swipe, if it's Tinder, send a brief message that shows you read her profile or paid attention to some detail in her pics. "Hi, beautiful" does not a conversation starter make.
I've written and edited profiles for money (professional writer) but your female friends will be probably be happy to help. Good luck!
posted by 2soxy4mypuppet at 9:56 PM on July 27, 2020 [1 favorite]
You have a receding hairline, OK. Is there a hairstyle that's more flattering than a buzzcut? Get that. Can you work on the belly? Do that. We are all more than the sum of our looks but, damn. Most women WORK and a lot of men's profiles look like they give absolutely zero fucks about making any effort at all. Many of these same men think they're entitled to absolute knockouts. Yeah, no.
Aim for originality. Down to earth? Simple? Yawn. Loves to laugh? (As opposed to everyone else, who prefer tears and misery....)
When you get a swipe, if it's Tinder, send a brief message that shows you read her profile or paid attention to some detail in her pics. "Hi, beautiful" does not a conversation starter make.
I've written and edited profiles for money (professional writer) but your female friends will be probably be happy to help. Good luck!
posted by 2soxy4mypuppet at 9:56 PM on July 27, 2020 [1 favorite]
"mid-50s geek who likes anime, manga, and weird music" — Final note: You may want to show this with your glasses. Cheap plastic frames with an attitude are all over the place these days. They would communicate your sensibilities without your even saying a word.
posted by Violet Blue at 6:16 PM on July 31, 2020
posted by Violet Blue at 6:16 PM on July 31, 2020
This thread is closed to new comments.
To my surprise I met someone I actually like on bumble, and we've had a couple of video dates with more planned. Some people are doing socially-distanced dating (and some people are dating and hooking up as if nothing was going on). Bumble has an indicator for your dating preference. For me, when someone asks if I want to go get a drink, it's pretty obvious that we're not on the same page about science, citizenship, and at least vaguely following the news.
Be aware of fake profiles - after a bit you start to notice the signs: very attractive, but none of their pics relate to their stated locale, language usage is not in line with what you'd expect given the other information on the profile, and sometimes they repeat rather stilted/odd phrases. That's been my experience with fake profile pics for men, anyway - I just report them, when I realize what's happening, and move on. I've had better luck on bumble.
To keep your profile original and swipeable, be up-front about what's important to you and who you are. Use pictures that show the real you at your best, doing things you enjoy. Remember: it's just a profile - you can change it at any time.
Good luck to you!
posted by bunderful at 5:22 PM on July 25, 2020 [6 favorites]