How do I practice effective self-care during a lawsuit?
July 22, 2020 12:27 PM Subscribe
I'm head of a small organization that's being sued by a former senior staff member. I've only just managed to open the (massive) archive of their e-mails as part of the disclosure process and I've already found numerous abusive and defamatory comments about me and others. It's going to be tough to read once the righteous anger wears off and so I'm looking for tips and suggestions on how to take care of my mental health during the process.
A couple of supplementarypoints:
Our attorneys are well aware of the situation and we will be taking additional legal action based on some of the stuff we've already found out about this person's behaviour prior to their dismissal, so that's fairly satisfying. They might also end up the target of defamation suits from me and a couple of the others involved.
I don't respect this person at all, so their opinion of me doesn't matter very much. What does sting is the number of other people that they roped into their worldview, some of whom I did like and (used to) trust. Handling the knowledge of that duplicity is going to be difficult in at least a couple of cases.
For Reasons, there's nobody else who can handle this part of the disclosure process except me.
I have a therapist.
A couple of supplementarypoints:
Our attorneys are well aware of the situation and we will be taking additional legal action based on some of the stuff we've already found out about this person's behaviour prior to their dismissal, so that's fairly satisfying. They might also end up the target of defamation suits from me and a couple of the others involved.
I don't respect this person at all, so their opinion of me doesn't matter very much. What does sting is the number of other people that they roped into their worldview, some of whom I did like and (used to) trust. Handling the knowledge of that duplicity is going to be difficult in at least a couple of cases.
For Reasons, there's nobody else who can handle this part of the disclosure process except me.
I have a therapist.
How well do you know the people who got "roped in?" If you know them well, perhaps when this is all over and you are allowed to talk with others you could have a broad-based discussion to understand their world view and perspective. In the meantime, knowing that at some point you can have a talk about how a particular person felt about "Senior Staffer," might let you get through this. Put your feelings/questions on a parking lot to unpack later.
If these are people you don't need to work with in the future, then just let them fade. Know they can't be trusted. You don't need to tell others, and if you are ever asked about them, then you can just give bland/noncommittal responses about your opinion of them.
posted by brookeb at 1:14 PM on July 22, 2020 [1 favorite]
If these are people you don't need to work with in the future, then just let them fade. Know they can't be trusted. You don't need to tell others, and if you are ever asked about them, then you can just give bland/noncommittal responses about your opinion of them.
posted by brookeb at 1:14 PM on July 22, 2020 [1 favorite]
If people know you’re going through the e-mails then there are at least a few going through their Sent mailbox trying to decide what to do next. Some of them are going to want to explain themselves sooner rather than later so be prepared for that.
If you’re like most of us and a bit sloppy about work hours or sleep hours, you may want to pay extra attention in the coming months. The best time to deal with stress is before it happens, and having appropriate downtime will help a lot there.
Is there a chance of a physical confrontation? Not necessarily violence but them coming to the office and yelling or being otherwise disruptive? You might want to have a plan in place for that.
I’m glad to hear you have a therapist because you’ve encountered a tremendous amount of betrayal all at once, and I suspect this is going to be rough. Take care.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 2:48 PM on July 22, 2020 [2 favorites]
If you’re like most of us and a bit sloppy about work hours or sleep hours, you may want to pay extra attention in the coming months. The best time to deal with stress is before it happens, and having appropriate downtime will help a lot there.
Is there a chance of a physical confrontation? Not necessarily violence but them coming to the office and yelling or being otherwise disruptive? You might want to have a plan in place for that.
I’m glad to hear you have a therapist because you’ve encountered a tremendous amount of betrayal all at once, and I suspect this is going to be rough. Take care.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 2:48 PM on July 22, 2020 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Consider getting your own lawyer, if the counsel works for the organization. Especially if you have been defamed or mistreated yourself, or may need to defend decisions you made.
Strictly refuse contact or communication with opponents and have them go through the lawyer.
Enlist a trusted friend to check in on you regularly to either listen/debrief or talk about other things.
Your team needs to stick together. Make a plan to do so and touch base regulalry.
Remind yourself of other things, people, activities that matter to you and intentionally make time for these things daily.
Try to treat the document review as an academic exercise of cataloguing data. You are sorting this material with your purpose in mind.
I would itemize the list of emails/documents in a spreadsheet by date, and with brief comments or categorization on each item's relevance to the case (to policies, contracts or legal points). Then you can look at the list and sort by relevant topic, rather than rereading the email when you dont need to. It wil also help establish what issue is easiest to document in your case, where the relevant parties are involved, and sort by date to build an accurate chronolgy.
Sounds awful; Good luck!
posted by chapps at 12:07 AM on July 23, 2020 [3 favorites]
Strictly refuse contact or communication with opponents and have them go through the lawyer.
Enlist a trusted friend to check in on you regularly to either listen/debrief or talk about other things.
Your team needs to stick together. Make a plan to do so and touch base regulalry.
Remind yourself of other things, people, activities that matter to you and intentionally make time for these things daily.
Try to treat the document review as an academic exercise of cataloguing data. You are sorting this material with your purpose in mind.
I would itemize the list of emails/documents in a spreadsheet by date, and with brief comments or categorization on each item's relevance to the case (to policies, contracts or legal points). Then you can look at the list and sort by relevant topic, rather than rereading the email when you dont need to. It wil also help establish what issue is easiest to document in your case, where the relevant parties are involved, and sort by date to build an accurate chronolgy.
Sounds awful; Good luck!
posted by chapps at 12:07 AM on July 23, 2020 [3 favorites]
Being involved in a lawsuit is very stressful. That was my experience anyway. The combination of anger and worry is really draining. I learned to schedule time off of work on days when I had to go to court so that afterwards, I could go home and stare into space like I was sick. I watched a lot of dark movies, too. It also helped to follow callmejay's advice here: lower my expectations to match my experience of people. So many people involved in the experience were disappointing or frustrating or annoying in some way. I wouldn't do this in a work situation, but at home privately with my husband, we created caricatures and nicknames for people. For example, when he asked how the call with the inspector went, I would just say "well, you know, Bob" (except using my husband's name) in the voice that to us captured the inspector's tendency to be officious, condescending, and clueless. It gave me a little amused distance from things and helped me resign myself. Similarly, we would remember lines from the opposing party's threatening emails to us or that their counsel said and bring them up out of context, almost as a punchline. I don't know if this is helpful, but see if you can find someone with whom you can let off a little steam.
posted by slidell at 12:24 AM on July 23, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by slidell at 12:24 AM on July 23, 2020 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thanks everybody, I really appreciate all these suggestions. The ones I've marked as "best answer" have suggestions that were not already on my radar. In particular, I think chapps's idea of making a spreadsheet will be very helpful.
posted by rpfields at 9:11 PM on July 25, 2020
posted by rpfields at 9:11 PM on July 25, 2020
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If it's the former, try to re-frame what you're seeing as their support. People will say a lot in private (or what they assume to be private) communications that they don't actually believe. Either to avoid awkwardness, to try to be a good/supportive friend with whatever the person is going though (aka not saying "this is all your fault" but agreeing that their manager sucks or something), because they're uncomfortable, or just to avoid continuing the conversation.
Even if this seems implausible, remember you are seeing all these emails all at once. Add that to whatever history you had with this person before they were let go, and you have (mostly) the whole picture.
On the other hand, maybe they just thought "Bob" got grouchy sometimes and had a bone to pick with you (or others), didn't feel like contradicting him, and maybe even agreed that you or others had some faults, although not the the same extent "Bob" believed it. They may have not known the extent of the situation and would be horrified to see how they come across now.
posted by sillysally at 12:46 PM on July 22, 2020 [2 favorites]