Do I stay with him, or do we part ways?

July 15, 2020 7:55 PM

I got in an argument with my boyfriend recently that lead me to impulsively tell him I wanted to break up with him, which I ended up regretting. A day later, I told him I still want to be with him, which he seems to be cool with him him after we take a break. The reality is, I probably won't change my impulsiveness. Should we continue this relationship?

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 3.5 years. For context, we are in our late 20's. I have told him I wanted to break up with him multiple times throughout our relationship, but we always end up staying together. I love him because he is actually a really great guy. He cares about me and does many things for me. He is loyal, honest, trustworthy, and fun to be around. He is rational, while I am irrational. We balance out. A lot of the time, we are a good team together, and we both want and have the same goals for the future. Unfortunately...

A situation happened last year during Thanksgiving between my boyfriend and my sister. They got in a screaming fight over putting stuffing in the turkey. Of course, it wasn't really that and more my sister being emotional because of child abuse from our mother. That background just does not go away and comes up in random places. I backed up my boyfriend during this time. My sister got so mad that she left the house we were gathered at. She refused to talk to me for months. I love my sister and want a good relationship with her. She finally accepted an apology from me and told me she was not ready to talk to my boyfriend yet. Over this time, it seemed as though she still did not want to talk with him. Out of nowhere, she decides to get in an argument with me about how she can never forgive him. Because I got in an argument with her about it, I then took it out on my boyfriend when he got to my house with groceries for me that same day. I told him he needed to work it out with my sister or just not be with me. So, pretty much a break up.

My sister ended up apologizing to me the next day. I talked with my boyfriend after, and everyone agreed to hangout a couple days later. They acted as if everything was fine during the gathering, like nothing had ever happened, but my boyfriend was upset with me. I was also upset with the whole situation because according to the two, it all turned out to be my fault for not setting this up earlier, even though they were the ones who got in the fight! My boyfriend said that I make him not love himself, and he was upset that I "dropped" him so quickly the other day. He also pointed out I am always doing things like this, which is true, as I stated before.

The fact is, I am bipolar. I will always have these moments where I am not well. I have been trying to work on this my whole life, and I get better as time goes on, but I will always be bipolar. During these past few weeks before the recent drama, it seems as though no one noticed where I have been at mentally. I have not been well, and I let other people's misery get to me (ahem my sister), because I am not currently stable. I enjoy my boyfriend in my life, but I do not know if I have the ability to change this habit. Is he going to be able to handle my impulsive nature throughout our future together? I love him, but I wonder if I am the right person for him.

posted by sqrt(-1) to Human Relations (15 answers total)

I sympathize with what you’re going through, but very gently want to say that the criteria for bipolar disorder does not include emotional manipulation and treating your partner badly. I don’t mean to suggest you weren’t feeling stress or you weren’t feeling anxious, you probably were. But to write this off as “I have bipolar disorder so deal with it” is disingenuous and also ultimately not helpful to you and your relationships now and in the future.

I suggest getting yourself into therapy to work on impulsivity, emotion regulation and distress tolerance. Not sure if you are seeing a psychiatrist, but if you have bipolar disorder, I would recommend it.
posted by namemeansgazelle at 8:20 PM on July 15, 2020 [58 favorites]

It sounds like you have an impulsive streak that comes out sometimes and is making it hard to have a stable relationship. I think you've put your finger on it: if you plan on continuing to repeatedly break up with your boyfriend you should probably spare both of you the suffering.

I'd suggest you do some work on your impulsivity. It's going to be hard to have a stable relationship with anyone if you're delivering emotional gut punches at random.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:39 PM on July 15, 2020 [5 favorites]

It seems like the decision about your boyfriend, though of course very important and pressing, might not be the only issue to work through or even the first one to tackle. It sounds like you are struggling with acting in ways that are very impulsive, even contradictory, and not fully understanding why or how what you do relates to what you want and your values, rather than just how you feel in any given moment (no matter how powerful and intense I'm sure that can be). This struck me only because you sound like you don't really feel in control of what you say and do but rather almost at the whim of your emotions and this also comes through in the vagueness and lack of real clarity about what actually happened with your sister and your boyfriend and the haziness of your own view and motivations, it's pretty tough to gauge from this what you think about it and most importantly why you did and said what you did. (Maybe you are confused too. That's fair enough!)

I'm not in any way meaning to be presumptuous or arrogant here, or offer an armchair diagnosis, but based on your self-description here, I think it could be worth investigating and exploring with your mental health team whether some of the traits of borderline personality disorder might resonant with you and if you could benefit from one common treatment, dialectical behavior therapy (or DBT).
posted by The Rehearsal at 12:14 AM on July 16, 2020 [1 favorite]

Your boyfriend got into a screaming match with your sister over stuffing? I understand she has anger issues because of childhood mistreatment. But, it it still takes two to tango and (without knowing the details) an emotionally healthy person might've walked away. Perhaps he's not the healthiest himself, feeding into your instability without realizing it.

If you are not being treated properly for your bipolar, maybe it's not a great time for you to be dating til things are under control
posted by shaademaan at 2:06 AM on July 16, 2020 [11 favorites]

You may want to check in with a therapist. This doesn't strike me as impulsive, your actions may be hurting people. Impulsive is more a vacation on a whim, or a purchase, or something like that, not fights and break ups with people close to you.
posted by kellyblah at 3:14 AM on July 16, 2020 [7 favorites]

Have you been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, and are you being treated for it? Or is “bipolar” more like a description of how you feel about some of your emotional reactions and behaviors? The reason I ask is that what you describe sounds a lot more like Borderline Personality Disorder. Regardless of whether it is BD or BPD or neither one, I would strongly suggest you seek treatment. These patterns of thought and emotion are only going to make it more difficult to sustain enduring close relationships, and ultimately will work against happiness. Medications, coping strategies and things such as Cognitive Behavior Therapy and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy can make a huge positive difference for people with BD and BPD.
posted by slkinsey at 6:13 AM on July 16, 2020 [3 favorites]

Out of nowhere, she decides to get in an argument with me about how she can never forgive him. Because I got in an argument with her about it, I then took it out on my boyfriend when he got to my house with groceries for me that same day. I told him he needed to work it out with my sister or just not be with me.

I'll leave others to comment about the mental health issues you have mentioned. What stands out for me is: this is asking too much. If you are going to stay together, you have to have his back in regard to any of this family drama. At least, if I were your boyfriend that's what I would think. Not that you have to solve every problem between your partner and family members; some of them are not going to get along. But you have to make your partner more of a priority and, where possible, avoid drawing them into this stuff or heaven forbid leave them to deal with it on their own.
posted by BibiRose at 6:27 AM on July 16, 2020 [6 favorites]

Is he going to be able to handle my impulsive nature throughout our future together? I love him, but I wonder if I am the right person for him.

You're not. If you can't control your "impulse" to tell him you're breaking up with him, then you're not the right person for him. This is on you to control, not for him to cope with.

Make a clean break, go no contact and give him space to find someone else while you work on yourself. This is not a healthy dynamic.
posted by jzb at 6:30 AM on July 16, 2020 [7 favorites]

With great respect and sympathy, I don't think that you are being fair when you characterize repeatedly breaking up with someone as "impulsiveness." Certainly, not all relationships are forever, and you can end a relationship with someone for any reason that seems good to you, but a healthy relationship is not one in which one or both parties repeatedly threaten to end the relationship.

A good rule is this: you get to break up with somebody twice.* After the second time, there is nothing new to learn about the other person or your relationship with them. You already know what it is like to be their lover and their ex.

*To be sure, there are exceptions to such a rule, but one should decide that one is an exception only with great care.
posted by gauche at 7:33 AM on July 16, 2020 [13 favorites]

You led with “loyal” while describing your boyfriend. That was odd.

I agree with others. Get therapy and help. Bipolar doesn’t excuse your selfish, impulsive behaviour.
posted by terrapin at 8:30 AM on July 16, 2020 [2 favorites]

As I've mentioned elsewhere on the site, my long-term partner has bipolar. The symptoms and severity have fluctuated over the years but impulsivity has always been an issue. Neither he nor I would want to stamp it out entirely - it is in some ways a delightful personality trait, certainly one that nicely counterbalances my tendency to Never Want Anything To Change At All. But he has spent a lot of time learning, in therapy and through fucking things up and fixing them afterwards, that it is possible to do a lot of channelling and careful oversight of how and when he lets his impulsivity loose. He's really damn good these days at assessing whether any given impulsive thought/idea is one that actually needs to be acted on.

(He also says, as he wandered through the room and I shared this post with him, that he learned the hard way that his diagnosis doesn't absolve him of the harm that his impulsive actions have caused. I wouldn't have said as much because I'm trying to be compassionate here, but maybe it'll be useful to you coming from someone who has your diagnosis.)

I guess what I'm saying is that if you and he want to stay together, you both have some work to do. You need to be working harder on getting a better handle on making choices about your interpersonal relationships that are less impulsive and that you don't immediately regret. Maybe that's therapy (DBT can be great in this regard) or maybe it's medication adjustment or maybe it's a support group or finding ways to build more room for harmless impulsivity in your life as a release valve. If you think that you've been unstable for weeks and no one's noticing, maybe you also need to work on asking for help when you need it.

He needs to be working on things like "why on earth would I get into a SCREAMING FIGHT about STUFFING" and "why does my ability to love myself come from how my partner treats me." Eventually you might want to do some couples therapy but I think that can wait until both of you have done some individual work and figured out if you even want to be in this relationship; right now you haven't done that groundwork that would support you in the difficult stuff that comes up in couples therapy.

It's really hard to do all that work within a long-term relationship where bad patterns are already set and there's a lot of harmful history. Not impossible, but hard. I think you have to think hard about whether you can do that work together with the shared history you have, or whether you should break up and give yourself the space to focus on yourself. That seems like the sort of question you don't have to answer today, but could discuss with those therapists or support groups you're hopefully going to be looking into.
posted by Stacey at 8:50 AM on July 16, 2020 [10 favorites]

This sounds like a very difficult and challenging situation, and I think you both have some issues to work on. I think you could both use some time in individual therapy and possibly together in couples therapy if you want to try to work through these issues. I want to point out a few things that noted. I think you have some stories you tell yourself about you and him, that maybe can get in your way. For example, you say that he is rational and you are irrational--but also that he got into a screaming fight with your sister about Thanksgiving turkey. Then you blamed your sister for that fight. If he was also screaming, that suggests to me he has some reactivity too and isn't always completely rational. Is the dynamic in your relationship such that he is never to blame, and it's always someone else's fault?

My boyfriend said that I make him not love himself, and he was upset that I "dropped" him so quickly the other day. He also pointed out I am always doing things like this, which is true, as I stated before.
So this is another example of assigning blame. You are responsible for your behavior, and what you did is certainly something that could be upsetting. But I don't think the blame on you is fair here. You can't "make" him lack self-esteem. If he says it's your fault he doesn't love himself, he's making you responsible for his self-esteem. That's an incredibly unhealthy dynamic. Or he's also manipulating you.

I wonder if I am the right person for him.
That is a decision for him to make for himself. Are you taking on all the responsibility for the bad things that happen in this relationship? But with your sister, you always blame her?

It sounds like you might be scared he will leave you, and you might be trying to make a decision to end the relationship before that happens.

Regardless, you are both in this dynamic, and I think you have to work together to decide if you want to try to work your way through and out of it. But that doesn't mean only you change. He also needs to be doing some work here, too. Do you want to continue this relationship? That's what you need to figure out, and he needs to figure out if he wants to, and then, if you both do, work on moving together as a couple.
posted by bluedaisy at 9:36 AM on July 16, 2020 [2 favorites]

Is he going to be able to handle my impulsive nature throughout our future together?

Well, you'll know for sure that he doesn't want to handle it anymore if you break up with him one day and he decides he's not interested in getting back together again. That seems pretty likely to happen at some point.

It seems like you are "impulsive" in a "I didn't really mean that, let me explain" sort of way. This will cause you trouble in life, because you'll come across many people who will take your first words as truth, and not be interested in further explanations.
posted by yohko at 3:05 PM on July 16, 2020

They got in a screaming fight over putting stuffing in the turkey. Of course, it wasn't really that and more my sister being emotional because of child abuse from our mother.

a "screaming fight" means screaming and emotion on both sides. I'm not sure why you're blaming it only on your sister or why you're convinced that this boyfriend is "rational." rational people don't scream back at their partner's screaming sister; they go for help or they step out.

You of course shouldn't break up with people if you don't mean it, and you should always be prepared for this or any other boyfriend to take you seriously and permanently, even if you want to change your mind later. If you already know it's probably going to happen again, I would look into trying different forms of treatment that might give you more sense of control.

Regardless, he is the only one who can tell you if he can "handle" your impulsivity in the long term. If he is so rational, he will be able to calm down and really think it through, and give you a good-faith answer. Whether you are right for him is totally up to him to say. Your concern needs to be whether he is right for you. Sometimes an impulsive break-up reflects more of your suppressed feelings than you think, particularly if it happens more than once.
posted by queenofbithynia at 3:24 PM on July 16, 2020 [3 favorites]

I was in a relationship with someone who is also mentally ill, and "broke up" with me several times out of anger. It did harsh, lasting damage to my psyche and damage to future relationships that I will have to work on. You are phrasing this as if your boyfriend will be good enough or tough enough to stay with you, and that is the exact wrong way to be thinking about this.

You are not a bad person. You have work to do to be in a long-term relationship. Having a relationship with anyone before doing this work isn't fair to your or them.
posted by FirstMateKate at 1:46 PM on July 23, 2020 [2 favorites]