Is it bad for newborns to get startled?
July 13, 2020 10:33 AM Subscribe
I have a newborn at home, just a few weeks old, and I fear I've already messed up by hanging out on the couch too much, breastfeeding and holding him to sleep. This is because he will sometimes get startled by the microwave, fridge door, other noises etc that my mom and husband make.
If he's sleeping, he will just have a slight startle reflex but not actually wake up. He also just startles awake randomly by flailing his arms around. Is this really bad for him? I admit I have a selfish desire to watch TV during the long breastfeeding sessions as well as be right there so people can bring me stuff.
If he's sleeping, he will just have a slight startle reflex but not actually wake up. He also just startles awake randomly by flailing his arms around. Is this really bad for him? I admit I have a selfish desire to watch TV during the long breastfeeding sessions as well as be right there so people can bring me stuff.
Based on my experience with one (1) baby, that is totally normal and fine. It is not practical or necessary for you to isolate yourself from ordinary household noises. My wife watched the entirety of Gilmore Girls while she was breastfeeding and our kid still seems fine. When the baby is more alert in the future you won’t be able to have the TV on probably bc the baby will get distracted from nursing, so you may as well watch now!
posted by rustcellar at 10:40 AM on July 13, 2020 [5 favorites]
posted by rustcellar at 10:40 AM on July 13, 2020 [5 favorites]
My first child hardly ever startled. My second startled all the time - sometimes when there seemed to be no reason. I think there is something innate in each child that guides this response. You aren't doing anything wrong.
posted by FencingGal at 10:43 AM on July 13, 2020 [7 favorites]
posted by FencingGal at 10:43 AM on July 13, 2020 [7 favorites]
The kid is adjusting a completely new environment, you aren't messing anything up, the world is just a very surprising place for babies. You might also be seeing the fall reflex - one of my humans could be reliably made to flail their arms around if they were rocked or moved backwards, and didn't like it. The other kid loved getting tossed in the air and largely never showed this reflex.
These startle reflexes are normal and a great sign of development & thriving, and know that the kid will quickly grow out of them.
posted by zenon at 10:44 AM on July 13, 2020 [23 favorites]
These startle reflexes are normal and a great sign of development & thriving, and know that the kid will quickly grow out of them.
posted by zenon at 10:44 AM on July 13, 2020 [23 favorites]
You're fine, your baby is fine. Keep a normal level of household noise during the day (consider keeping some music on sometimes and talk to your baby when he's awake) and then keep things reasonably quiet at night. Everyone will be fine.
posted by vunder at 10:46 AM on July 13, 2020 [5 favorites]
posted by vunder at 10:46 AM on July 13, 2020 [5 favorites]
The startle reflex is a very common newborn thing. It's called the Moro reflex, and it's why people swaddle their babies for sleep. Otherwise, they will wake themselves up by throwing their arms out. If it's not bothering you and your baby is getting enough sleep, you're fine. He will likely grow out of it in 3-6 months.
And, actually, you're probably helping your future self by training him to sleep through the sounds of every day life. Imagine if he learned to sleep in a completely quiet environment, and then you had to tip toe around the house for the rest of your life while he was sleeping. My kid sleeps through our 70 lb dog barking at the mailman every day and it is a BLESSING. But he doesn't know any different - he was hearing it even in utero.
posted by natabat at 10:47 AM on July 13, 2020 [37 favorites]
And, actually, you're probably helping your future self by training him to sleep through the sounds of every day life. Imagine if he learned to sleep in a completely quiet environment, and then you had to tip toe around the house for the rest of your life while he was sleeping. My kid sleeps through our 70 lb dog barking at the mailman every day and it is a BLESSING. But he doesn't know any different - he was hearing it even in utero.
posted by natabat at 10:47 AM on July 13, 2020 [37 favorites]
It is not only NORMAL for newborns to startle, but it's also NORMAL to watch television during breastfeeding because breastfeeding is boring. This is not selfish. Some moms who don't have the attention span for television listen to podcasts instead.
If you continue to have irrational self-deprecating feelings postpartum (such as thinking you're messing up, or being selfish for wanting to watch television while breastfeeding), please check in with your doctor for a PPD/PPA assessment. It will be okay.
posted by juniperesque at 10:47 AM on July 13, 2020 [38 favorites]
If you continue to have irrational self-deprecating feelings postpartum (such as thinking you're messing up, or being selfish for wanting to watch television while breastfeeding), please check in with your doctor for a PPD/PPA assessment. It will be okay.
posted by juniperesque at 10:47 AM on July 13, 2020 [38 favorites]
He also just startles awake randomly by flailing his arms around. Is this really bad for him?
No, it's completely normal! If his startle waking is interrupting your sleep, you can use a swaddle or sleep bag.
posted by DarlingBri at 11:00 AM on July 13, 2020 [1 favorite]
No, it's completely normal! If his startle waking is interrupting your sleep, you can use a swaddle or sleep bag.
posted by DarlingBri at 11:00 AM on July 13, 2020 [1 favorite]
Nothing to add here, except to say that the responses are reaffirming my faith in humanity, and I really needed that today. Thank you to everyone who responded.
posted by ivanthenotsoterrible at 11:23 AM on July 13, 2020 [9 favorites]
posted by ivanthenotsoterrible at 11:23 AM on July 13, 2020 [9 favorites]
Although the frequency with which babies exhibit this is somewhat varied, the complete absence of the startle reflex would be cause for concern. Sounds like your baby has a nervous system in good working order!
Also, having a newborn is super anxiety-provoking. There are eighty million things to worry about. I like to quote Dear Sugar, though: "Parenting is a tune played in the major keys. Were you there? Did you show up?" For a newborn showing up means: are you feeding it and holding it? Do you change its diaper? Do you limit its exposure to violence and chaos where possible?
Society is super freaked out about all the ways you can mess up a baby. By the time you have delivered one, and taken it home from the hospital (if that's where you had it) you will have heard about all the terrible things that can happen to babies. Most of them will never, ever apply to you or be risks that you even come close to coming into contact with. For your own sanity, try not to dream up new, exotic ways that you might possibly be messing up your baby, because for the next five-ish years you will probably be inundated by social and public health messages about how parenting is a dangerous proposition and the world is a dangerous place. All the information about danger that you need is already out there.
Babies are pretty resilient. They can be born into terrible conditions and do okay. If you are present and loving and doing your best, it'll probably be fine. Hang in there.
posted by unstrungharp at 11:24 AM on July 13, 2020 [14 favorites]
Also, having a newborn is super anxiety-provoking. There are eighty million things to worry about. I like to quote Dear Sugar, though: "Parenting is a tune played in the major keys. Were you there? Did you show up?" For a newborn showing up means: are you feeding it and holding it? Do you change its diaper? Do you limit its exposure to violence and chaos where possible?
Society is super freaked out about all the ways you can mess up a baby. By the time you have delivered one, and taken it home from the hospital (if that's where you had it) you will have heard about all the terrible things that can happen to babies. Most of them will never, ever apply to you or be risks that you even come close to coming into contact with. For your own sanity, try not to dream up new, exotic ways that you might possibly be messing up your baby, because for the next five-ish years you will probably be inundated by social and public health messages about how parenting is a dangerous proposition and the world is a dangerous place. All the information about danger that you need is already out there.
Babies are pretty resilient. They can be born into terrible conditions and do okay. If you are present and loving and doing your best, it'll probably be fine. Hang in there.
posted by unstrungharp at 11:24 AM on July 13, 2020 [14 favorites]
You are not messing up!! As others have said, the startle reflex is normal. I swaddled my baby because of this - I found the velcro swaddle cloths worked the best for me. But I also spent plenty of time snuggling a sleeping baby and breastfeeding. You could get a white noise machine for the baby's sleep area, that might help block out some of the house noises. But babies are all different - some will sleep for long stretches in a crib, and some will wake up constantly.
posted by beyond_pink at 11:38 AM on July 13, 2020
posted by beyond_pink at 11:38 AM on July 13, 2020
Are you also worrying that you're holding him too much? Don't worry about that at all and don't listen to anyone who says he needs to learn to be alone somehow in a bassinet or whatever. Hold him as much as you want. When your arms get tired, or you need to go take a shower, or anything else, hand him over to another loving family member. You cannot spoil a baby with too much love, and you cannot spoil a newborn with too much holding. (Grandma of five here)
posted by mareli at 12:08 PM on July 13, 2020 [16 favorites]
posted by mareli at 12:08 PM on July 13, 2020 [16 favorites]
Aw my heart just tugged reading this as I got flashbacks to the low level anxiety I had as a new mom. It is not only okay but good to have low level noise for daytime (and quiet at night). This will help them establish a good rhythm for future sleep skills. Listen to everyone here, all great advice. I just wanted to chime in that you are doing great!
I watched pretty much the ENTIRE series of Suits, all 9 seasons, during breastfeeding sessions. She’s 20 months now and totally fine.
posted by like_neon at 12:42 PM on July 13, 2020 [4 favorites]
I watched pretty much the ENTIRE series of Suits, all 9 seasons, during breastfeeding sessions. She’s 20 months now and totally fine.
posted by like_neon at 12:42 PM on July 13, 2020 [4 favorites]
Totally normal. My wife and I had to hold our kid basically nonstop to get her to sleep for the first... probably three months. She startled a lot anyway. I watched 80s cop dramas with her all night, sound on (she and I love Hunter). She is now a very normal, easy-sleeping ~10 month old.
It's tough but you really do have to cut yourself and the baby a ton of slack early on. It's a totally new experience for both of you and it is not going to feel normal because of that, but it is. It'll be all right. Best of luck—it's tough but you get better at it, the baby gets better at it, and overall it gets easier.
posted by Polycarp at 12:44 PM on July 13, 2020 [4 favorites]
It's tough but you really do have to cut yourself and the baby a ton of slack early on. It's a totally new experience for both of you and it is not going to feel normal because of that, but it is. It'll be all right. Best of luck—it's tough but you get better at it, the baby gets better at it, and overall it gets easier.
posted by Polycarp at 12:44 PM on July 13, 2020 [4 favorites]
You are helping your baby learn to sleep through changing ambient noises. You are helping your baby learn to go back to sleep when a noise briefly jerks them awake. A++ parenting that will pay dividends later with fewer sleep problems.
Would not advise you to take the baby to a motocross race or something where the volume is completely inappropriate, but microwave noises or a sudden laugh track on the TV? Those are good for baby. Bonus points: you have done preliminary hearing tests and your baby appears to have good hearing.
Keep up the excellent parenting and don't be afraid of asking more questions. There are no stupid questions.
posted by Jane the Brown at 2:04 PM on July 13, 2020 [6 favorites]
Would not advise you to take the baby to a motocross race or something where the volume is completely inappropriate, but microwave noises or a sudden laugh track on the TV? Those are good for baby. Bonus points: you have done preliminary hearing tests and your baby appears to have good hearing.
Keep up the excellent parenting and don't be afraid of asking more questions. There are no stupid questions.
posted by Jane the Brown at 2:04 PM on July 13, 2020 [6 favorites]
My former inlaws tell me they did an aggressive and loud home reno while my ex was a baby. Nursing, then swing a hammer at wall. I attribute this to the fact that my ex could sleep through ANYTHING
You’re doing right. You are providing opportunities for him to adapt to his new world (where every sound is new ). He will get used to it and will be fine.
posted by armoir from antproof case at 2:59 PM on July 13, 2020
You’re doing right. You are providing opportunities for him to adapt to his new world (where every sound is new ). He will get used to it and will be fine.
posted by armoir from antproof case at 2:59 PM on July 13, 2020
One more person coming here to chime in - it's good for babies to be exposed to normal sounds and to learn to be surrounded by them. A baby conditioned to sleep only in a very quiet space will have a harder time and give you a harder time too. It sounds like you're doing exactly what you should be - cuddling him, breastfeeding and keeping yourself occupied. I read so many books while nursing - it's boring without something else to focus on!
posted by leslies at 3:07 PM on July 13, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by leslies at 3:07 PM on July 13, 2020 [3 favorites]
Your baby has been hearing those noises, muffled, for a while. If it feels unpleasant to you to have the sound of the microwave pinging, the phone making the incoming text noise, the dryer announcing it's done, etc., you can set up a google or alexa speaker to play calm music to help mask it. But these are the sounds of modern life and babies startle a lot and it's okay. You're doing great.
posted by theora55 at 3:41 PM on July 13, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by theora55 at 3:41 PM on July 13, 2020 [1 favorite]
Omg it's not selfish at all to watch tv with the little one and have people run around bringing you stuff! I found breastfeeding sooooo booooring. I watched more Greys Anatomy while breastfeeding, or just sitting trying not to move with a sleeping baby on me, than was probably good for me (seriously - that show redefines jumping the shark every season. I highly recommend it for your 3am breastfeeding sessions when your brain is mush). But baby was fine.
Please, let yourself enjoy this very boring but anxiety producing phase of newborn life, by sitting on the sofa eating exactly what you want and watching wonderful junk. In a few years your little one will be forcing you to watch Peppa Pig or some other monstrosity for hours at a time.
sending you hugs.
posted by EllaEm at 5:06 PM on July 13, 2020 [1 favorite]
Please, let yourself enjoy this very boring but anxiety producing phase of newborn life, by sitting on the sofa eating exactly what you want and watching wonderful junk. In a few years your little one will be forcing you to watch Peppa Pig or some other monstrosity for hours at a time.
sending you hugs.
posted by EllaEm at 5:06 PM on July 13, 2020 [1 favorite]
You’re doing great. If further down the road you want to gently start introducing some self soothing sleep stuff, I’ve found the website and book Precious Little Sleep useful, but srsly keep doing what you’re doing.
posted by stray at 6:35 PM on July 13, 2020
posted by stray at 6:35 PM on July 13, 2020
If it bothers you, talk to the pediatrician.
If being bothered bothers you, talk to your doctor.
You are still in the fourth trimester of pregnancy. Big adjustments back to pre-pregnancy body. Some things never go back to what they were before. This is your new normal. It's okay.
Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint. You've got this.
Parent of two thirty-somethings. Boy, does this bring back memories.
posted by TrishaU at 11:12 PM on July 13, 2020 [1 favorite]
If being bothered bothers you, talk to your doctor.
You are still in the fourth trimester of pregnancy. Big adjustments back to pre-pregnancy body. Some things never go back to what they were before. This is your new normal. It's okay.
Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint. You've got this.
Parent of two thirty-somethings. Boy, does this bring back memories.
posted by TrishaU at 11:12 PM on July 13, 2020 [1 favorite]
I watched all 10 seasons of Friends when I was pumping and nursing twins. You're doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing. Keep up the good work!!
...to this day, the theme song makes my nipples twitch
posted by widdershins at 6:21 AM on July 14, 2020 [3 favorites]
...to this day, the theme song makes my nipples twitch
posted by widdershins at 6:21 AM on July 14, 2020 [3 favorites]
This question is giving me flashbacks to the newborn days. Startling is perfectly normal and healthy. I remember vividly the first time I had to sneeze while nursing and my baby jerked and screamed like I had pinched her. Remember everything is new to them and the only tool they have to communicate right now is crying.
I'm not a very dogmatic parent. What works for you and the baby is the best, IMO. Nothing is permanent, everything changes. Try watching TV and if she's bothered, maybe use headphones.
posted by muddgirl at 8:15 AM on July 14, 2020 [1 favorite]
I'm not a very dogmatic parent. What works for you and the baby is the best, IMO. Nothing is permanent, everything changes. Try watching TV and if she's bothered, maybe use headphones.
posted by muddgirl at 8:15 AM on July 14, 2020 [1 favorite]
Everyone has such right good kind answers. It’s normal, it’s ok. Having a newborn baby in the best of times is anxiety-provoking and isolating; I can’t imagine how hard it is now with in-person new parent groups or other interactions so limited in so many parts of the world.
In any case OP, there’s a parenting group we started for Metafilter folks on FB, we’re a couple hundred strong and very active and supportive, and we help each other through this stuff all the time from the very early days and on. I’m sure we’d all happily share our newborn-days binge series recommendations as well as commiserate after a particular hard day or night. Memail me to join, and that goes for anyone else reading who could use the parenting support.
posted by sestaaak at 5:14 PM on July 14, 2020
In any case OP, there’s a parenting group we started for Metafilter folks on FB, we’re a couple hundred strong and very active and supportive, and we help each other through this stuff all the time from the very early days and on. I’m sure we’d all happily share our newborn-days binge series recommendations as well as commiserate after a particular hard day or night. Memail me to join, and that goes for anyone else reading who could use the parenting support.
posted by sestaaak at 5:14 PM on July 14, 2020
This thread is closed to new comments.
Noooooo that is 100% what you and the new baby should be doing. Keep up the good work!
posted by The corpse in the library at 10:39 AM on July 13, 2020 [74 favorites]