Don’t say date night...
July 11, 2020 11:54 AM Subscribe
How are you, a parent, keeping the spark going in your relationship during the pandemic?
We have one small human and live in a tiny apartment with a teeny patio. Our child is 1 year and we already were not having much sex after baby was born because of pain for the mom. Then lockdown hit and we’re just exhausted. We are both essential workers so have continued to work and make do with swapping childcare shifts, working from home, washing pile after pile of dishes, etc.
All of the advice about keeping the spark alive only seems applicable to a pre-covid world. We can’t go on a date night, see a movie, or go out to eat. (Or really even order in). We don’t have a car so can’t go for a drive to get away. We have no family or childcare so walks for coffee or a picnic without our child are also not options for us. We do an hour or so of Tv together after baby is asleep but one of us usually ends up asleep on the couch before we can finish the show.
What other things are people doing to feed their relationship right now? Both more generally/broadly, but also in terms of intimacy and sex? I am fortunate in that we feel relatively solid right now, but do feel we could use a bit of a pick-me-up here.
We have one small human and live in a tiny apartment with a teeny patio. Our child is 1 year and we already were not having much sex after baby was born because of pain for the mom. Then lockdown hit and we’re just exhausted. We are both essential workers so have continued to work and make do with swapping childcare shifts, working from home, washing pile after pile of dishes, etc.
All of the advice about keeping the spark alive only seems applicable to a pre-covid world. We can’t go on a date night, see a movie, or go out to eat. (Or really even order in). We don’t have a car so can’t go for a drive to get away. We have no family or childcare so walks for coffee or a picnic without our child are also not options for us. We do an hour or so of Tv together after baby is asleep but one of us usually ends up asleep on the couch before we can finish the show.
What other things are people doing to feed their relationship right now? Both more generally/broadly, but also in terms of intimacy and sex? I am fortunate in that we feel relatively solid right now, but do feel we could use a bit of a pick-me-up here.
Shower together; give each other foot/back/neck rubs while watching tv in that 20 minute before one of you falls asleep; hug a lot; kiss each others’ necks; leave each other little love notes next to the sink or on the bathroom mirror; say thank you to each other. You are both stretched thin so see what you can do to fold moments of intimacy/affection into all the daily crap you both have to do (bathing, cleaning, taking care of your child) rather than stretching further to try to plan some big elaborate date. Oh, and if you’re comfortable with it and have the means, order take out once a week and eat off paper plates or leave the dishes til the next day. Give yourselves a night off from cooking and cleaning.
posted by sleepingwithcats at 12:32 PM on July 11, 2020 [15 favorites]
posted by sleepingwithcats at 12:32 PM on July 11, 2020 [15 favorites]
Step one is to find time for a discussion with your partner, whichever gender they are. Ask how they feel about the current frequency and share how you feel.
If you both agree that you want more sex (or the same amount but better), then consider setting a schedule. Part of the point of Date Night is to plan ahead so that you make space for each other. You can still do (some of) that planning ahead; agree that one of you will cover child care entirely for an hour, maybe even in an out-of-the-house way (walk in the park/around the neighborhood?) so that the other has time to blow off some steam. Do this say twice a week, one of you each time, with the idea that those days are Different.
Also set an expectation that sexy times are possible but definitely not a requirement. Each of you has to be able to say no (guilt free) in order to fully say yes. Maybe even for the first few weeks set an expectation of no sexy time, just respite care.
A side note— this idea may be terrible if your kid has a strong preference for one parent over the other. If that’s true for you, make sure the preferred parent still gets some respite, possibly the non preferred parent can do more dishes or more diaper changes to make sure the preferred parent can have a little time to themselves while the kid is napping.
posted by nat at 12:44 PM on July 11, 2020
If you both agree that you want more sex (or the same amount but better), then consider setting a schedule. Part of the point of Date Night is to plan ahead so that you make space for each other. You can still do (some of) that planning ahead; agree that one of you will cover child care entirely for an hour, maybe even in an out-of-the-house way (walk in the park/around the neighborhood?) so that the other has time to blow off some steam. Do this say twice a week, one of you each time, with the idea that those days are Different.
Also set an expectation that sexy times are possible but definitely not a requirement. Each of you has to be able to say no (guilt free) in order to fully say yes. Maybe even for the first few weeks set an expectation of no sexy time, just respite care.
A side note— this idea may be terrible if your kid has a strong preference for one parent over the other. If that’s true for you, make sure the preferred parent still gets some respite, possibly the non preferred parent can do more dishes or more diaper changes to make sure the preferred parent can have a little time to themselves while the kid is napping.
posted by nat at 12:44 PM on July 11, 2020
My sex drive didn’t come back until my kid was over two, for what it’s worth. And it came back like whoa, it’s been a surprise and a pleasure.
I would say that showing up for your partner, supporting her in whatever extra parenting falls to her (and for me, it still feels like although we are pretty egalitarian in all the routine stuff, I’m still the person whose body is more involved in the child’s emotional life, and she’s 4 1/2) will give you a great foundation for continued intimacy and a return to whatever sex you both feel is normal in your relationship. My partner’s absolute disinterest in pressuring me one way or another is something I trust and value extremely highly.
posted by Lawn Beaver at 1:04 PM on July 11, 2020 [1 favorite]
I would say that showing up for your partner, supporting her in whatever extra parenting falls to her (and for me, it still feels like although we are pretty egalitarian in all the routine stuff, I’m still the person whose body is more involved in the child’s emotional life, and she’s 4 1/2) will give you a great foundation for continued intimacy and a return to whatever sex you both feel is normal in your relationship. My partner’s absolute disinterest in pressuring me one way or another is something I trust and value extremely highly.
posted by Lawn Beaver at 1:04 PM on July 11, 2020 [1 favorite]
Lots of good ideas above re: consent. But, if you just need some joyful or sexy diversions to share:
Heart and Honey subscription
Go to Eschaton. (See review here.)
Do this Narrative and Experience Design workshop together (on separate laptops).
Do an online escape room.
posted by shadygrove at 1:09 PM on July 11, 2020 [3 favorites]
Heart and Honey subscription
Go to Eschaton. (See review here.)
Do this Narrative and Experience Design workshop together (on separate laptops).
Do an online escape room.
posted by shadygrove at 1:09 PM on July 11, 2020 [3 favorites]
Yes to much of the above but I happen to have an aging list of cheap dates for tired people with little money and no babysitter (*cough*), so here's some of that.
(FWIW I really wanted to have time and energy for sex after having each of my children and although I wouldn't have wanted to be pressured, my parent taking on some home jobs and clearing space for us to be intimate was greatly appreciated.)
Holiday Open House: Purchase 1-3 types of frozen appetizers like cheese puffs, the kind you see over Xmas holidays. While one parent earns their bedtime achievement badge, the other pops them in the oven. Break out one fancy tray and your beverage of choice; best paired with family-style comedy or feel good movies or shows - Schitt's Creek or Life in Pieces (the latter is even sketch-based so you can watch it in 1/4s of a show.)
Charcuterie Platter Night: Like the above, but with a meat/cheese/pickle platter. Best paired with something a little more highbrow like The Good Place.
Chop and Bop date: Might be a bit harder in a small place but we had a tradition of washing/chopping the vegetables for the week's lunches/stir fries/etc. together with some music on and a certain amount of hip-checking each other.
Spa Night: Two foot baths, soothing music, we happened to have BBC Earth that we would play softly in the background, scented candles. Warning: May be most conducive to sleep.
Pizza Night: We make our own pizza every Saturday; the rest of our family is home (my kids are much older) but there's something very partner-y about rolling the dough out and grating cheese together that fosters us...does not lead to sex directly but we relate.
Picnic With Kids: On a similar note, we used to eat outdoors on a patio or in a park (I think this could be safely done now if you bring your own food). Having the kids outside just felt different. We always kept the food part super simple - finger foods - buns, cheese, raw veg, corn chips.
Art Nap: We used to very rarely sit down together during nap time and each do something physically at the table like make a card or doodle.
We do Martial Arts together too but that's kind of specific. But maybe there's something specific that you can do together? Even in a park with a stroller along?
posted by warriorqueen at 1:13 PM on July 11, 2020 [20 favorites]
(FWIW I really wanted to have time and energy for sex after having each of my children and although I wouldn't have wanted to be pressured, my parent taking on some home jobs and clearing space for us to be intimate was greatly appreciated.)
Holiday Open House: Purchase 1-3 types of frozen appetizers like cheese puffs, the kind you see over Xmas holidays. While one parent earns their bedtime achievement badge, the other pops them in the oven. Break out one fancy tray and your beverage of choice; best paired with family-style comedy or feel good movies or shows - Schitt's Creek or Life in Pieces (the latter is even sketch-based so you can watch it in 1/4s of a show.)
Charcuterie Platter Night: Like the above, but with a meat/cheese/pickle platter. Best paired with something a little more highbrow like The Good Place.
Chop and Bop date: Might be a bit harder in a small place but we had a tradition of washing/chopping the vegetables for the week's lunches/stir fries/etc. together with some music on and a certain amount of hip-checking each other.
Spa Night: Two foot baths, soothing music, we happened to have BBC Earth that we would play softly in the background, scented candles. Warning: May be most conducive to sleep.
Pizza Night: We make our own pizza every Saturday; the rest of our family is home (my kids are much older) but there's something very partner-y about rolling the dough out and grating cheese together that fosters us...does not lead to sex directly but we relate.
Picnic With Kids: On a similar note, we used to eat outdoors on a patio or in a park (I think this could be safely done now if you bring your own food). Having the kids outside just felt different. We always kept the food part super simple - finger foods - buns, cheese, raw veg, corn chips.
Art Nap: We used to very rarely sit down together during nap time and each do something physically at the table like make a card or doodle.
We do Martial Arts together too but that's kind of specific. But maybe there's something specific that you can do together? Even in a park with a stroller along?
posted by warriorqueen at 1:13 PM on July 11, 2020 [20 favorites]
That should be "my co-parent" :) Missed the edit window.
posted by warriorqueen at 1:46 PM on July 11, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by warriorqueen at 1:46 PM on July 11, 2020 [1 favorite]
We're approaching our 23rd wedding anniversary (no kids) and although I love going places and doing things with my Bear, and hope someday we can again, the real key for us is touch and using our words. I rub his neck and tell him I love his broad shoulders, he strokes my hair and goes out of his way to help me... Just keep the lines open about what you love about your partner, actually articulate those feelings about being incredibly lucky to be with them, still finding them funny and gorgeous, and say thank you and notice the loving gestures from your partner. If you have that going on, you can get plenty of joy out of doing anything together; cooking, watching TV, trashing Trump, etc. I can tell you one of the bright spots of the pandemic is spending time with my Bear and our pets.
In short, I know it's trite to talk about feeling grateful for what you have, but it's truly a miraculously effective way to feel happy, loving and loved.. Just say why you appreciate your partner and feel fortunate out loud. It reinforces everything that matters.
posted by bearwife at 4:44 PM on July 11, 2020 [3 favorites]
In short, I know it's trite to talk about feeling grateful for what you have, but it's truly a miraculously effective way to feel happy, loving and loved.. Just say why you appreciate your partner and feel fortunate out loud. It reinforces everything that matters.
posted by bearwife at 4:44 PM on July 11, 2020 [3 favorites]
In couples therapy my partner and I were advised to hold on another naked every night and talk about our day for 15 minutes before sleeping. No expectation of sex and in fact no sex allowed for the first two weeks. It really helped.
posted by CMcG at 5:39 PM on July 11, 2020 [6 favorites]
posted by CMcG at 5:39 PM on July 11, 2020 [6 favorites]
Share and watch your favorite sexy movie scenes, then act them out.
posted by MountainDaisy at 6:14 PM on July 11, 2020
posted by MountainDaisy at 6:14 PM on July 11, 2020
To be honest, lightning quick sexytimes in the next room while our young child is occupied in a childproofed room with a gate. Also, for us, not watching TV / movies at all (we haven't for months) is a key to having time and energy to connect. I agree with everyone suggesting small gestures of affection. Just telling your partner they are attractive, non-sexual touch, etc. goes a long way. You mentioned you don't have childcare...any kind of childcare makes a big difference and I would push to try to find something you are comfortable with, even if it's just for an hour or two so you can go for a walk together.
posted by beyond_pink at 7:32 PM on July 11, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by beyond_pink at 7:32 PM on July 11, 2020 [1 favorite]
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posted by sexyrobot at 12:11 PM on July 11, 2020 [1 favorite]